Rethinking what health looks like

So earlier this year I wrote about 'Getting Strong'.  In that post I wrote about how I wanted to lose 5% of my body weight this year to improve my health.

When I wrote that post in February, I had already lost 2kg through exercise.  Until three weeks ago, I had maintained that 2kg of weight loss but hadn't lost any more.  But I didn't beat myself up about it and I didn't give up on exercising.  Being able to lose 2kg, JUST 2kg and maintain that weight loss for five months without giving up, getting obsessive or depressed was a massive achievement for me.

      My favourite chip of all chips.

But there was a reason why I'd only lost 2kg.  With the stress of Covid coupled with Murray's epilepsy, smashing back a bag of kettle chips at night had become a fairly regular thing.  Plus we were eating more takeaways.  Being tired and having our routines bent out of shape made it easy to justify not cooking.  While for the most part I ate a healthy diet during the day, I often binged on chips or sweets or too many glasses of wine at night.  To have something to look forward to.  To drown out the noise of the stress of my life.  And because I was exercising most days I wasn't gaining weight, so I felt vindicated.

My relationship with food is something I've always struggled with.  Whether it's obsessing about what I eat and how much I'm exercising or I'm shoveling chips into my face, basically since puberty my relationship with food has been problematic.  And I've known that since I was a teen.  At one point my body became so unused to consuming saturated fats eating any high fat food made me horrendously ill.  That really scared me.  It took some years before I could eat foods like icecream again (and I still don't really like it).  I've done lots of therapy around these issues and was extremely lucky to be introduced to OA meetings not long out of my teens.

While OA was helpful, unlike the other issues covered by the 12 Step Programs, it's not like you can just 'quit' food and work through your issues.  Humans kinda need food to survive.  Whether your issue is eating too little or eating too much.  Whether it's about body image or lack of self-confidence, what it all comes to is control.  And this issue is much bigger than considering what you're eating.  This issue follows you around where-ever you go.  So when parts of my life become uncontrollable, there they are.

About a month ago I had a massive reality check.

It's not just about diet, but it's a good start.    

Murray got some blood results back and his cholesterol was crazy high.  Like, he told me the number and I thought he'd misread it and asked him to read it again.  Before we'd even been to his GP for the follow up we'd downloaded a calorie and exercise tracking app and completely overhauled how we eat.  Because while there are other factors as to why that number was so bad, diet is the one thing we could do something about.

We're a team.  So if Murray needed to change his diet to manage his health then I would too.  It was the kick in the butt I needed to start making an active effort to address my bingeing.  Part of me hadn't wanted to address it because it needed that crutch to help me cope.  Another part of me was scared I'd replace it with different unhealthy, obsessive habits.  But when we got that news I didn't even consider any of  those things.  I just went 'righto' and we made those changes*.

I was worried that using a tracking app would make me fall into old habits.  But so far, that hasn't happened.  I think this is in part due to being very aware of these issues.  The app allocates an amount of kilojoules (or calories) you can have per day based on your age, height and weight and how quickly you want to lose weight (if at all).  I record everything honestly.  And I try not to eat more than 10% under my allowance.  I have days where I eat more than my allocated amount and I don't beat myself up about it.  I haven't cut chocolate.  Or chips.  Or wine.  I have upped fruits and veges and cut way back on cheese.  I'm not starving, or hungry or depriving myself of anything (like earlier iterations of me would have done).  I'm just very aware of what I'm eating**.

Last year this exercise felt impossible

 

I think the other reason it hasn't happened is because the way I think about my body has changed over the past year.  I have to credit this in part to the amazing osteo I was seeing for some issues with my hips***.  Because even though his other job was as a fitness instructor, even though I was overweight and he had to see me in shorts and a bra most weeks he only ever made positive comments about my body and what it was capable of.  And this helped me realise how capable my body was.  It was strong.  It was flexible.  It was fit.  I was now able to do exercises easily that I had previously struggled with.  At this time I was also spending a lot of time in the sauna.  Being in a close environment with other people wearing very little clothing forces you to feel more ok in your skin.  In the sauna I've met folks from many ages, shapes, sizes, ethnicities and genders - and we're all there for our health in one form or another.  This really impressed on me that what we look like and how healthy we are doesn't always look like what we expect it to.

Charity Witt: power lifter.  Superwoman.    

Plus The Titan Games.  The host, Dwayne Johnson, handpicks athletes that represent diversity.  Contestants come from a variety of backgrounds including disability, health conditions and overcoming great adversity.  One of the contestants was Charity Witt.  Charity was diagnosed with cardiac arrythmia at the age of 18.  She was told she'd be on medication for the rest of her life.  She didn't like the sound of that so she sought a second opinion, and was told that with exercise and a healthy diet she should be able to mange without the meds.  And she started exercising. Not only did Charity set records in US power lifting, but she won the first season of The Titan Games.  Watching her pull a giant ball weight so easily blew my mind.  She made it look like she was taking her dog for a walk while other contestants struggled to even get it moving.  And in regular clothes, she didn't look at all like what we're taught 'health' looks like.  Because we're not taught to equate strength with health with women.

And this made me think about all these amazing female athletes performing at the top of their fields.  All these different bodies.  All exceptionally healthy bodies at their absolute performance peak.  Not all of these bodies look like what we're taught 'healthy' looks like.

Look at all these bad ass women's bodies.  All in peak form.  All different from each other.

And this reminds me of this awful weight loss/health trope.   I've seen it on almost every fucking weight loss miracle thing that's ever existed: The aspirational before and after pic.  I don't mean the one where they flick up a picture of 'before' when they are over 100kg and it's at a bad angle and they've chosen a bad outfit and they've 'overcome' that image of themselves.  I mean the 'before' they got big pics.  The photos you 'should stick on your fridge' pics.  The 'I wish I looked like that now' pics.  Because being smaller does not necessarily mean being healthier. 

If I were to choose a 'fridge' pic that represented me at my aesthetic best I would probably choose this:

This pic was a local magazine cover.  I was just a guest singer in this band, but the magazine wouldn't do it without me because then it wouldn't fit the aesthetic they were looking for.  Yes, it's been photoshopped - my regrowth was shopped out, my skin has been cleaned up.  But my size was not shopped.  At the time of this shoot I was 24 years old and quite mentally unstable.  I was a size 8 and underweight.  I was exercising excessively, I was eating erratically and I was a pro at putting away vast quantities of free wine at exhibition openings.  I cannot deny that I look like what we're told 'pretty' looks like in this photo.  But I was definitely not healthy.  This should never be an aspirational pic for me, or for anyone else.  Yet women this size (usually smaller) and just as unhealthy grace our magazine covers with far more regularity than women like Charity Witt ever do.  It's unsurprising as to why so many of us have messed up notions as to what 'health' looks like.

And the reality is that whether we've been this ill or not, aspiring to look like we did 10 or 20 years ago is just weird.  I've had kids since this shoot.  I have less organs in my body than when this photo was taken.  I'm 16 years older.  Without extensive plastic surgery, it's literally impossible for me to look like the person in this picture.

I understand why people use these photos of themselves - visual cues are a great aid when we're trying to make behavioral changes.  But the problem is that for many of us, a 'healthy' version of ourselves now does not have a visual we can attach to it.  I don't know what a healthy today me should look like.  So I'm doing my best to let go of visual cues other than those I'm starting to see when I look in the mirror.

A more accurate aspirational pic.  Me last year.           
A little lighter than now with my Millenium Falcon.        

I've even let go of the idea of 'my ideal weight' because I honestly don't know what that will look like.  BMI is a shit measure of health.  And it's especially shit for anyone at either end of the bell curve.  I'm short.  And I'm trying to increase my muscle mass.  So I don't use it.  Now I'm tipping 40, what's considered 'healthy weight' is also different than when I was 24.  I do want to be a little smaller than I am now, but I have no aspirations to ever be as small as the waif in that picture ever again.  I've set a weight goal, but if I feel good in myself before I get there then it just means I got there early.

And I've now lost 5% of my body weight!  This was the first of many things I have in place to mark progress in terms of my health.  It means my heart health is better, my cancer risk is lower and I'm less likely to get type 2 diabetes.  But I have other things in place to mark progress.  I want to chafe less.  I want to fit some of my clothes more comfortably.  I want to have better body tone and I wouldn't mind having more definition through my cheekbones and chin.  And I want to teach my kids that size is not an indicator of health.  I want them to have a healthier relationship with food than I've had.  And I want to live a long time so I can spend as much time with them as I can.  These are the indicators I'm using to measure my health.  These are the things that truly matter.

I want to live until my kids are old enough THEY need regular colonoscopies

* This was easier for me than it would be for many due to my existing experience and skill sets.  My love/hate relationship with food has meant I've had many jobs where I work with food.  For a while, writing healthy recipes was a part of my job.  And as a lapsed vegetarian, cutting red meat out and replacing it with healthier, vege based options was not difficult.

** When I do feel like bingeing a crunchy snack I have replaced the chips with carrots.  After one carrot, I'm full so don't feel like eating any more anyway.  And I really like carrots.  And I still occasionally knock back a bottle of wine - but it's one of those 187ml teeny dealios.  And only sometimes.

*** Ahhh, broken ankles.  The gift that keeps on giving.

On Joining The Gym

So I joined the gym.  This is a thing I never thought I'd do.  I've been a gym member once before.  That was 20 years ago.  I cannot remember for the life of me why I joined.  I think I was teaching aqua-aerobics around the same time so might have been on some weird fitness kick.  I went regularly for about a month.  Then there was a fire drill and I had to exit the gym.  I was mortified to be seen out in my gym clothes (lord forbid other humans see my bare arms).  I never went back.

Me in my moonboot at my cousins wedding.             
Oh to be so slender without trying again!                

Besides that my only gym experience has come from seriously injuring myself*.  This required months of physio - I had to learn to walk all over again.  This was a positive experience for me.  My time in the gym translated very literally to my body's ability to do normal stuff again.  Watching my progress was exciting.  Even though I really enjoyed my time in the gym, I didn't continue with it after physio as other aspects of my life pressed on both my time and finances.

I never thought I'd join a gym because I:
a) Dislike intentional exercise
b) Hate exercising in public

I'm oddly self conscious about people seeing me exercising.  I can pinpoint the specific incident this anxiety stems from, but this doesn't thwart the feeling.  I know my feelings are irrational - that what happened then is not happening now - but knowing this does not make those feelings disappear.  Just like the many other facets of my anxiety, it's an irrational, annoying constant.  You learn to live with the discomfort.

In gyms my self-conscious feelings compound.  Fit people go to gyms.  People with great bodies go to gyms.  I am neither fit nor buff and my inexperience with gym equipment sets me firmly as an outsider to the gym world.  When I was rehabbing my ankle at the Unitec gym it felt ok because I was almost always there with my physio.  She kept me focused.  Plus I had an obvious injury so I did not feel as if others would judge my performance.  On top of that, with it being a student gym the membership was diverse -it wasn't just fit people - there were people there just like me.

So when I joined the gym I promised myself I did not have to go.  It only cost $3 a week more to get access to the gym on top of the pool membership.  It seemed worth the gamble.  It's only $3.  If I can walk up those stairs to the gym even six months after joining, then it's worth it.  Because it gives me a reason to overcome that fear**.  Because I am a tight arse.  I was never going to be ok not utilising that $3 investment that I could better spend elsewhere.  I used a conscious subconscious trick to push myself to walk up those stairs.

Fancy equipment!  Well, any equipment is fancy to me...

And it worked.  It took me less than a month.  Last week I put on the running shorts I'd asked for for Christmas and climbed those stairs.  I introduced myself to the man at reception and he showed me around the cardio area.  Luckily, I had chosen a time to visit when the gym was fairly quiet.  This made it less scary.  And there were nice, big lockers I could just put my stuff in for free.  And the gym equipment was clean, modern and fancy.  And while most people fit my idea of what 'gym' folk look like they didn't seem to care I was there.  They were too busy working out.

Last week I walked up those stairs three times.  Not only that, but I actually exercised too.

The awesome thing about this particular gym is that it offers a series of five one-on-one sessions as part of the membership.  This is optional.  If you just want to get on a treadmill and do your thing, that's ok too.  But if you want the extra support, it's there.  I decided if I was going to come this far I might as well utilise the professional support available.  Given I have so little experience, even just from a safety perspective it makes sense.  I had my first appointment on Sunday.

The trainer I met with was lovely.  Relaxed, non-judgmental, relatable (impressive given I'm old enough to be his Mum and his interests are sports and mine are not) and friendly.  Being weighed and measured and asked personal health questions are things that are probably uncomfortable for quite a few people.  Especially folk going to the gym to get in shape.  He understood that, and was so chill and professional that it felt ok.  The only part I struggled with was watching my arm measurements being done.  I'd never seen my arms like that in a mirror before.  I hadn't realised how big they were.  But that was only one uncomfortable thing.  And maybe the more I do this uncomfortable stuff the less uncomfortable I will feel in the future.

I have lost 12 butters!       

Because taking those initial measurements gives me a place to work from.  And given I've already lost 6kg, it's likely my arms were even bigger than that a few months ago.  So who knows?  Maybe when I do another measure in a couple of months time they will be a bit smaller.  My arms are already feeling stronger.  All the regular swimming has tightened up the muscles on my thighs, and I can feel my shoulder muscles for the first time ever.  These are pretty exciting changes.

And I am hopeful that seeing these changes helps me want to stick with this gym business.  Even if I don't end up liking the personalised program they set for me, coming this far is a huge achievement.  In just one week I've discovered I like using cross trainers.  I've discovered I can do a cardio work out for half an hour without keeling over.  And just a few months in to regular swimming it's difficult to imagine my life without it in it.  Maybe this will happen with the gym too?

One study found up to 60% of women experience diastasis recti
   post-partum.  Super common, but seldom talked about.

For now, I am focused on the exciting parts of this lifestyle change.  I am excited about the improvements I've made in my swimming.  When I started, I was tired after swimming 500 meters.  Now, my standard session is at least 1000 meters.  I have visible muscles where there was just bulk before and (the most exciting improvement) after years of diastasis recti, and feeling like it would never get better, I no longer have abdominal separation.  Well, a little, but it's down to a 1cm gap which is far less than it used to be.

I still have a lot of weight to lose to hit my goal weight (about 13kg).  But even if I don't lose another gram I feel like I've accomplished a lot.  I'm starting to feel like I am enjoying life.  After years of struggling with my body, its changes and limitations, I'm starting to feel more invested in living inside it again.  Just overcoming my anxiety about going to the gym is pretty huge.  It shows me that I can just make a decision to try something different and uncomfortable.  It might not always work out, but it is absolutely worth the risk.


* I fractured my talus and tore a bunch of ligaments through my ankle misjudging a jump in a trampolining gym (why I was doing a trampolining class in the first place is a whole different story).  I fell from about 3 meters onto the solid edge of the trampoline.  I was in hospital for four days because they weren't sure what to do with me.  The kind of injury I had is termed a 'pilots fracture' as was common amongst pilots falling from planes during WWII

** And something to do when the swimming lanes are really busy or being used for waterpolo.

On a fresh start

It was a tough year last year.  I lost two friends to cancer and had a few unexpected things come up which required some serious lifestyle renovations.

But we got through.  Pretty much intact.  Losing people you care about sucks but there is one positive: it really helps put things in perspective.  Especially when those people have fought through so many barriers to achieve what they did during their own lives.  While I struggled not to be swallowed up by grief for a time I realised neither of my friends would want me to do that*.  They would want me to get out there and live my life and appreciate all that I have in front of me.  I am blessed with the gift of living in this world while they have moved on.

    Recent pic of me - much bigger
than I feel comfortable seeing myself

This realisation helped me to understand that I've been stuck in the quagmire of grief for quite some time.  Ever since my health diagnosis a year and a half ago, I have struggled to make sense of how exactly to manage my life.  And I have used it as an excuse rather than facing my feelings head on.  While yes, I do normal Mum things and have a job and pay the bills I have been using numerous crutches to survive day-to-day.  Namely food and alcohol**.  And it has slowly been killing me.

Being heavier has been killing my confidence.  It is an awful thing to admit when you pride yourself on being a feminist, but I have discovered sadly, just how much of my confidence is tied up in how I look.  I have always been ok with being curvy.  I have pretty much never been a 'skinny' girl.  But I have always been roughly the same give or take a couple of kilos.  The reality is, that when I had this realisation I was about 20kg heavier than I was before I got pregnant with Abby.  And when you are short like me, 20kg is a LOT.

What brought me to this realisation?  Seeing friends get off their butts and do this for themselves.  The good and bad thing about social media is that it allows you a sneak peek into the lives of others.  And while these peeks should always be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes they really are the kick in the behind you need.  Because when pondering how amazing it is that a friend could write an amazing book after surviving brain cancer, you also see friends in the here and now making huge changes in their lives it drives home the fact that you can do it too.

I have lost 6kg since then end of November.  2kg so far this year.  I'm still heavier than I was the last time I attempted to lose weight, but it's still a significant achievement.  Especially given I've achieved most of it through entering a new territory: planned exercise.

Me before having Abby.     
Oh to be this size again!     

I've never been an 'exercise' person.  It's just not my thing.  I'm just not one of those people who thinks it's 'fun' to go for a run or 'hit the gym' or go tramping.  Fun things for me are board games and writing and comedy and cooking and drawing.  While for me some sports are fun (soccer and touch) I am not very good at them and thus anxious about joining a team.  And while I do enjoy being in nature and walking, in truth, the outside world is not my friend.  Bugs love me.  No matter which sunblock I use, the sun will burn me.  Going for a bush walk will result in welts and burns.  The beach is the same.  Summer is not designed for people like me.

I have always loved swimming.  The thing is though when you are uncomfortable with your size, the scarier getting into a pair of togs feels.  While swimming with the kids was once a fairly normal part of our week, once I got to a certain size I made excuses to avoid it.  My endo is playing up.  Etta's just started school.  Everyone is sick.  But truly, most of the time I was uncomfortable chasing my children around with so little to cover me.  But then I saw my friend was doing it.  My cousin was doing it.  My colleague was doing it.  All around me people were sucking it up and putting their bodies in the water no matter their size.  And it was good for them.

So I did too.

Most of my weight loss has come from swimming.  And even before I lost that much a funny thing changed.  I stopped feeling self conscious in my togs.  While I did buy a suit that had a little more coverage, it wasn't the main factor.  I just got used to it.  I realised that I was the only person who cared what I looked like.  People did not stare at me in horror.  I was just one of many bodies of many shapes and sizes going for a swim.

Similarly, my self-consciousness over being 'good' enough to go swimming dissipated over time.  When I started swimming, I was extremely anxious about lane swimming.  I was worried I would be bad.  That others would be annoyed by me being too slow or too clumsy or too anything.  So I mostly waterwalked unless I could be in a lane by myself.  A few months on I no longer care.  I dive straight into a lane and swim.  Just swim, without thinking about what everyone else is thinking about.

When school holidays began, for a time my swimming life was over.  As the primary caregiver of our children, all the time I had free before to swim was now sucked into childcare.  For two weeks I did not swim.  And then I realised (again) that I was just making excuses.  Of course I could still swim! I just had to get creative with time.  Now I swim Wednesday nights once Murray is home from work, Fridays after work, and Sunday afternoons.  I am swimming 3 - 4 kilometers every week.

Gotta love a good spreadsheet!

And I love it.  Not only am I losing weight, but it helps give me space away, not just from the family, but from my thoughts.  Once I've been swimming for about 20 minutes or so I go into a sort of meditative state.  I get into my body and out of my head and actually relax.  This is quite a hard thing for an anxious person to do.  And with the help of my favourite Microsoft program I can track my weight-loss and set myself goals and incentives.  This is fun for me!  Making weight loss fun is just smart!  Today, I hit my first incentive goal - 2kg***.  Which means tonight I get a celebratory teeny vino.

     Me today not feeling as self-conscious

So my goal is to get back to my pre-Abby weight - around 60kg.  But I have set other goals along the way.  I have already reached my goal of being able to fit my clothes more comfortably.  I have reached my fitness goal of being able to swim comfortably for half an hour non-stop.  And in all honesty these goals are more important than the numbers.  If I am healthy, and feel good in my body, then I will be happy.  Basically, if I am between 50 - 66kg I am in the healthy weight range for my age.  If I manage to get to 66kg and feel good, then that will be ok.

I still have a way to go to to get there, but right now I am just focused on enjoying the journey.  I will do my best to keep you updated and who knows?  Maybe I can help someone else feel like they can do it too.

Big thanks to Miriam, Penny, Lashaya, Cass and Jess.  Seriously, you are all fabulous.


*Well, maybe Sam a little.  He was fabulous and liked knowing it.  It would be good for his ego knowing how sad the world is for us without him.

** Not in a classic 'alcoholic' sense, but definitely in a 'having more than is good for your health' sense. 

*** I started my weight loss incentive chart at the beginning of this year

After week 1 on a diet thing - well, kinda

Maybe it's not the best idea to start a diet the week of Easter?

So I only lost 1 butter this week.  Oh well, only 9 to go!

So I decided I'd try this crazy strict diet for the first three days of eating healthier - kinda like a cleanse - and then just be more sensible with food from there.  I adjusted it a little though.  Cos it's crazy strict.  I don't know how anyone could actually follow this without collapsing from low blood sugars.   Cos I almost did on the first day before I adjusted it.*

So I had fruit, yoghurt and nuts for breakfast, a bland chicken stew (chicken with veges) for lunch (made from chicken breast for low fat hence the bland) and the eggs and salad as suggested for dinner.  I ended up having hummus and grainy crackers as a snack - and fruit or carrots if still hungry.  The morning lemon cleanser was easy as I already do that - but I decided to halve the green tea night time quotient as my bladder was unlikely to let me get any sleep if I had a litre of tea between 6pm and bedtime.

That was totally doable (and non-collapsable).

Then after that first three days I just had normal meals - but cut gluten and red meat and continued with healthy snacks and that awesome breakfast (with the addition of a little muesli) and not snacking after dinner.  And it wasn't that hard.  I loved the breakfast.  The lunch was bland, but filling and healthy and whilst dinner sounds simple I honestly really enjoyed it.  And whilst it would get boring if I had to have it every day, I could totally rock it twice a week no problems.

And then BANG.  It was Easter Weekend.  And working bee at the bach.  And our anniversary.  And two children's Easter egg hunts.  And Abby's birthday - all in the space of one long weekend.

So I kinda fell off the wagon.

One thing I can say is that I didn't go too crazy.  I did eat chocolate and snack foods and eating after dinner.  But I also did lots of walking and lugging and laying mulch at the working bee.  So I figured it (almost) balanced out.  And at Abby's birthday party whilst I did snack and eat things with gluten again, I wasn't crazy.  Like, I didn't eat an entire bag of crackers or chips (or even half a bag) which I probably would have previously.

So I can't really complain about only losing 500 grams.  I'm pretty sure I usually gain weight over Easter, so honestly, I'm pretty happy.

The best part of this diet so far is the massive increase in fruits and vegetables.  That can't be a bad thing.  I've also cut my coffee consumption down from daily to weekends and just occasionally during the week.  And my energy levels are fine - I needed coffee less than I thought I did**!  And starting the day ticking off two out of five servings of fruit or veges just feels really good - both physically and psychologically.

The worst part of this diet is the cost.  Truly - it ain't cheap.  Just looking at breakfast my daily cost has gone from about $1.00 (coffee and toast) to about $2.30.  And whilst dinner is probably cheaper, lunch is also dearer.  It's mostly the nuts, the proteins and the yoghurt - natural nuts are damned expensive!  Fruit, not so much - but the cost in time of ensuring there is fresh fruit and salad veges available for me each day is definitely an adjustment.

But hopefully, it'll just become a habit.

Because I like my new breakfast.  And I'm really enjoying rediscovering salad.  I've always liked salad, but I've always been lazy at making salad.  Because opening a bag of mescalin or baby spinach is just not enough - I want something tasty.  In doing this diet thing, I've realised I can actually whip up a really tasty green salad in under 5 minutes - and it's totally worth it.  Because filling up on salad means I eat less high calorie low nutrition food.  And that's what I need to do at the moment.

And fingers crossed I do it a bit better this week.  With no Easter maybe I can drop another two butters...



* Not a problem for me cos I don't need to lose 10 pounds in one week anyway.  Actually, no-one does.  Well, maybe people on The Biggest Loser, but not regular people.  Cos that's quite extreme weight loss.  So not really very sustainable.  And probably not very healthy.

** Probably what I actually needed was just better nutrition...

On Weight Gain

So what I didn't say in the last post about the horrid driving test was that this was with being back on medication.  (Imagine if I hadn't!  How crazy would that test have been?)

After a lot of thinking and assessing and checking in with other people, I decided that whilst I was coping reasonably ok, I wasn't coping as well with every day things as I could and it was impacting on the people I loved.  So I went back onto a low dose of sertraline.

At the same time I went back on the contraceptive pill.

Not primarily for contraceptive purposes though.  Despite having my period return when Abby was just 9 months old, it wasn't until recently that it started getting crazy again.  It went from tolerable to so heavy I had fainting spells.  After three months (I had to make sure it wasn't just a bad month) of horrible, irregular periods I decided to go back on the pill - I've used it previously to help regulate them and it works a treat for me.

The only sucky side effect of both of these things is that I very promptly blew up like a balloon.

While I'm quite comfortable in my own skin and genuinely don't feel that I look awful, I am not comfortable with the prospect of having to buy new clothes.  I quite like the clothes I already have and I just want to be able to fit into them a bit better.  And I'm a cheap bastard, so it seems ridiculous to have to spend money on clothes just because I've put on a little weight.

This probably wasn't helped by our holiday to Rarotonga.  Despite swimming every day, and sweating buckets in the crazy heat I'm pretty sure I gained at least half of this weight over there.  Holiday mode + being the home of my favorite dessert (poke) - which no-one else in my family likes - meant much poke was consumed (among other things...).

I have actually only gained about 3kg over the last two months, but it's just enough to tip the balance between me feeling ok about my size and not.  Before the weight gain I was already not feeling that great about myself, but because of breastfeeding and not sleeping I felt like my weight was not really a priority, and something to look at when other areas of my life were more stable. 

But now I am almost the heaviest I've ever been (besides during and immediately post pregnancy) and it feels uncomfortable.  I am not used to the way my thighs move against each other, and how I can't wear the tops I used to without thinking about my back fat.  3kg is not much, but when you are a shortie like me, it's proportionately more than for a regular person.

So now I'm sitting about 5kg above what is considered the top of 'healthy BMI' range for my height.  Now whilst I think BMI is a pretty shitty measure of 'health' there is a weight bracket I feel comfortable in - and that is around the 57 - 60kg mark.  I have dropped my weight right down under 50kg before.  And whilst many short celebrities happily rock those teeny numbers (Vanessa Hudgens who is my height is 50kg, Salma Hayek is 54kg), from experience I know that being little just ain't my bag.  My immunity goes AWOL which to me indicates it's not a healthy weight for me*.

But neither is 65kg.  So it's time to do something about it.

So this week I'm going on a cleanse for three days.  Then returning to much cleaner eating.

Pregnancy hormones had one positive for me: they made it easier for my body to digest stuff.  And whilst Abby is still having night feeds, most of those magic hormone things have gone, and it's time to acknowledge that my body doesn't want to process a lot of those things any more.  So it's goodbye to red meat** and back to a low gluten and low lactose diet for me.

I am not going to calorie count (like I have previously) and I'm not going to stop enjoying our weekly takeaway night (not cooking!), or my once a week food court work lunch.  And I'm not going to stop my Thursday late night tradition of lollies at work (to share - because late nights are hard).  But I am going to be more selective about what and how much I eat.

So this morning I started with this:

acidophilus yoghurt, kiwifruit and almonds.  It was delicious!

But now I'm hungry... And it's only been 3 hours... And I also had a banana... And it's still 2 hours until lunch time!  So wish me luck.  It's an especially hard day because Abby was up from 10.30pm until just after 1am then had to sleep in bed with me so I'm totally knackered.  Mumming + diet = extra hard cos no coffee... So wish me even more luck!

*And when my boobs bottom out below a C cup I feel like something is seriously wrong with me (cos I have almost always been at least a D cup.  So I'm used to my cups runningeth over)

** Not like I was eating much, but the stuff I was eating was definitely not good for me and not worth eating big, labour intensive to farm animals over.

On Week 6 and 7 of the Hannah Made diet

Piece of piss my ass!  The first problem I had was that in Week 6 I did pretty much the opposite of the first goal I set the week before.  I was out every night of that week.  There was only one night that I got home before 8pm.  I didn’t get to cook at all.  The healthiest meal I would have eaten was the stir fry my husband cooked me.  I didn’t eat any hot chips though.  I guess that’s something.

By the end of Week 6 I wasn’t only upset with my diet, I was upset with how completely out of control my life was.  Some of the things in my schedule could be moved, but I couldn’t move my father-in-laws birthday, mum going into hospital for surgery, or the first anniversary of our Civil Union.  The time I had managed to set aside (one night), was booked by my husband who was nobly trying to help out a friend of ours, and by that time I was starting to go completely insane.

So last week I decided that I was going to properly hibernate.  I was going stir crazy, the mess at home from not being at home was making me anxious, I was about to start another job (temporarily) and on top of that it was bloody cold.  And in Week 7 I achieved this hibernation.  I planned to go to be out for two nights (one of which I KNEW tasty, healthy food would be served at), and in the end, was only out for one night (the tasty food night).

Even with the hibernation, and plans for more hibernation, I have decided to take my diet a little less seriously and (for now) give up the food math.  It has started to become a chore, rather than a fun thing to do.  And to be honest, now I know what is in most of the things I eat, I am pretty reasonable at self monitoring.  I have kinda been doing this for the last four days, and it seems to be working ok.  I’ve also decided this as it is coming in to Winter and my body is rebelling with how strict I have been attempting to be. 

I will be a little easier on myself.  There are foods I will not eat, and haven’t eaten – even on my free days – since I started being accountable for my consumption.  Continuing not to eat these foods will help.  And I’ve gotten into the habit of eating a LOT more fruit and vegetables, which will definitely help me to avoid snacking on high cal, low nutrition foods.  The exercise plan is pretty much out the window just for now.  But I changed my morning work walk route so it’s now more of an up-hill battle, and I still walk about 3 k’s every day I work at my usual job.

And I lost some weight over the last two weeks.  Not much, not quickly, but it’s still a loss.  And to be honest, the goal was to fit back into my jeans by Winter and I have a feeling that I’m less than a kilo away from achieving that goal.  I’m still aiming for 56, but I’m going to be a little less urgent about it.  I am very keen to get back into the 58’s next week though, so I’m hoping I lose around 400 grams this week.

My weigh in days will be changing to Wednesdays.  My normal Monday’s at home will cease to exist from now until August as I go back for a short stint at the video shop to help out my old boss.  The pro about the video shop is that it’s at the end of my street, and next to a vege shop, so I can be home by 5.15pm to cook a proper dinner on Mondays every week, eat fabulously, then settle down to watch a free movie.

Wednesday 11^th April current weight:     59.2 kilos

Ultimate goal weight:                             56.0 kilos

Weight loss so far:                                  3.4 kilos

Weight to go:                                          3.2 kilos

On Week 5 of the Hannah Made Diet

Due to Easter I wasn't able to weigh in until today because I weigh myself on the Pt Chev chemist scales and Monday was a public holiday. According to Food Math I should have lost around 600 grams since I last weighed in. What actually happened is that I gained 600g. We had a weekend fraught with adventure, manual labour, Easter treats, teppanyaki and sake. And I was a little lax on accounting for everything. Because there was a lot to account for.

The week went like this:

Monday: Tried to join the gym. Failed. Did some washing.

Tuesday: Work then pub quiz. Hot cross buns make me want to go on murderous rampage.

Wednesday: Work. Desire for murderous rampage.

Thursday: Extreme eleven hours of work followed by drive up to bach. Feelings for murderous rampage hampered by the end of Easter working week. Thank God!

Then the weekend went like this:

Friday: Pruning trees then paving. Bricks and spades are heavy.

Saturday: A little paving, then drove to Auckland, then went to Action World for Lucy’s birthday, then to teppanyaki and sake

Sunday: Watched TV and played Angry Birds. My entire body rebelled against the day.

Monday: Still in pain. Damn you bricks! Went to mini-golf then Thai for dinner for my father in laws birthday.

Yesterday: Work then pub quiz. Yay for no more hot cross buns!

So it was a mess basically. I did weigh my dress and playsuit. My playsuit is 100 grams lighter than my weigh in dress (which I was wearing today) so I really only gained 500g. It kinda sucks, but it’s Easter. It’s better than gaining a kilo. And I am 100% certain after doing all the brick laying and mad running about that at least half of the weight I put on will be muscle, which is a win. The only time I did join a gym I gained one kilo in the first week due to weight training. I’ll try and lose 500g this week and get back to where I was in Week 5, but with more muscle. The more muscle mass you have, the faster your metabolism naturally works, so this isn’t a bad thing.

Last week I was totally gung ho about joining the gym. My workmate had told me it was only $25 a fortnight for the gym around the corner from work. What I didn’t know was that there was also a joining fee of $100, and a card fee of $25. For someone only planning to go to the gym for a short while, and who is saving for a house and overseas trip and currently living in central Auckland, this kind of expense just isn’t feasible. If I went to the gym for three months it’d cost $31.25 per week. I didn’t let this get me down. I then visited Club Physical on my way home. This gym cost $30 per week to visit on a casual basis. So when I got home I called the Unitec gym. This costs $12 per session for casual visits. This would be the most financially feasible, but I’d only be able to go once a week.

The allure of the gym is all about magical machines. Most of the machines count how many calories/kilojoules you burn. That’s a very handy job for them to do. It would mean I don’t have to work it all out myself. Also, there are a lot of machines that do many different things. And they’re all in one place. And you’re guilted into going because you’ve paid some crazy fee and have to make it worth it. I am time poor and lazy like many. It’s easy to see why the gym is the ideal exercise solution.

But after the financial reality check (how do normal people afford the gym?), I had a rethink. I went home and put on my Strip to Fit DVD (please don’t stone me in the street). Just so’s you know, Carmen Electra may be hot, but she has no idea about fitness DVD’s. Her DVD’s are cut so you go from sitting to standing in half a second. Not physically possible. Love to see Carmen try to do it, and I bet a bunch of people would pay to see Carmen try to do it. Anyway, I digress. I figure I can buy another non-Carmen-made DVD, do DVD exercises for strength training once a week, use my step machine once or twice a week and try and go for a swim at the Mt Eden Pools ($6 per session) once a week. I’ll have to count stuff myself, but I love math so I should harden the fuck up about doing more of it and become more like Rain Man.

Now that the insane Easter period is over, I’m also going to try and get my life into more of a routine. I think we managed to spend two nights at home in the evenings last week. I’m aiming for at least four to five. The nights where I’m not at home I don’t eat properly, and end up eating crap. Even if I’m careful with kilojoules of what I eat, I usually eat high fat foods of little nutritional benefit because that’s all there is within my budget and the sushi places close at night time.

Also, I love cooking. When I’m out a lot, I don’t have time to cook and I get sad. I really like eating the food I cook because I’m a pretty good cook. Also, I get sick if I eat crap food all the time. My skin goes horrid, I feel exhausted and get sick more easily. It’s very important to my physical wellbeing that I get to eat home cooked, proper meals. As well as it benefiting me, it’s how I show my husband I care about him, so I feel very out of sorts when I don’t have time to cook.

So how I’m going to get back on track this week is through applying some simple tricks:

1) Attempt to be home more so that I can eat home cooked meals.

2) Take pre-made meals with me to eat if I do have to be out at night.

3) Eat 6+ a day fruit and vegetables.

4) Keep more accurate food math records to increase accountability.

5) A little regular exercise including cardio and strength training.

6) No more combating murderous rage with chocolate.

7) NO MORE hot chips.

So there is the plan people! Now it’s just a matter of actually sticking to it. I’ll let you know how I get on. Only five days to lose 500 grams? Piece of piss.

Wednesday 11^th April current weight:     59.9 kilos

Ultimate goal weight:                             56.0 kilos

Weight loss so far:                                  2.7 kilos

Weight to go:                                          3.9 kilos

On Week Three of the Hannah Made Diet

This week I almost lost a whole kilo.

BUT I was extremely ill for the first half of the week, so I think that added to the weight loss a little. I had an allergic reaction to the dye from the scan I had on Monday which caused me to have extremely bad pelvic pain, swelling, itchiness and vomiting. I was off work until Friday, and spent most of the week in a crying, painful, messy stupor.

On Monday I hadn't started puking but I felt like balls so we got takeaways for dinner. That’s right. Bad old fish and chips. First chips I’ve eaten all diet. I still did my food math, and still accounted for them, but I tell you, illness makes dieting seem unfair and you really resent the diet. If it was an animal, and you didn't want to throw up and had more than an ounce of strength, you'd probably kill it and eat it alive.

Because how do you account for vomiting in a kilojoule counting diet? Obviously this will result in some negative kilojoules as some things are coming out before they are properly in, but how much? I decided not to take it into account at all and attempt to stick to my diet as best I could. On Tuesday and Wednesday I was so ill during the daytime I couldn’t keep down even water - in retrospect, I possibly should have gone to hospital, or at least got some anti-emetics. It’s amazing how your brain stops working when it has no fuel to run it…

So due to lack of brain, even though I accounted for everything, this week’s spreadsheet definitely is not reflective of a healthy diet. There are big gaps of nothing from where the idea of eating made me want to hurl. There are patches where I felt I could eat ok, so wanted to eat everything in the house. There are sweet high energy drinks that I wouldn’t normally have in an attempt to get my food intake above the starvation zone. There are days where my intake is below the starvation zone. Basically, the start of this week was a food disaster.

On Thursday I thought I might be well enough to go to work. Then I threw up my herbal tea. Then I went to sleep. I slept most of Thursday, and in the patches where I drowsily emerged I ate small things. By Thursday night, I felt much better, and apart from the glitch in the morning, my food intake returned to the close-to-normal zone.

I noticed that I really do need to work a little harder to ensure not only my diet is within caloric requirements, but also that I’m not just ‘saving’ kilojoule space for things like wine and Chupa Chups and little Easter eggs. I think this would be totally fine if I were not foregoing my 5+ a day to do so, but sometimes it’s a bit like ‘well, you could have a banana OR you could have a little Easter egg…’ It’s especially important with being gluten free because it’s easy to miss out on fibre and vitamins – Us GFers are supposed to eat 7+ a day. So this is what I’ll be working on in the future. I’ll put a new column thingee in my anal Excel food math spreadsheet. This will help. I like my homework to be pristine.

I also watched a lot of daytime TV during my time of illness. TV told me to take the Symbio challenge. My addled brain thought ‘Hey, why not?’, so I’m doing that. Given that I have IBS anything that might help my digestive system to do its job properly is worth trying. Plus, it’s one less snack to have to plan out to take to work in the morning, so that’s great. I’ll let you know if I think it does anything. So far, all I’ve noticed is that it is one of the few yoghurts that are gluten free, so that’s a bonus.

And just a quick PSA outro for this blog – throwing up food will make you lose weight. But it is not healthy. It will destroy your stomach, rot your teeth, give you bad skin and hair and stop your brain from functioning. You will smell like vomit no matter how many mints you chew. Don’t do it on purpose! Lose weight through diet and exercise. It does work. See! I am showing you how it works. Be sensible.

Monday 26th March current weight: 60.6 kilos
Ultimate goal weight: 56.0 kilos
Weight loss so far: 2.0 kilos

Weight to go: 4.6 kilos

On the first week of the Hannah-made diet

First I have to say that I like my diet. On my diet I can still eat chocolate and jellybeans and cheese and drink coffee and wine. And I’ve made sure there is a free-for-all day, which was very necessary this week as I got to go on an AMAZING wine tour on Waiheke Island for my friend Sara’s 30^th. And, on my diet you do lose weight. I hopped on the scales and I knew I couldn’t have lost much and I didn’t. I only lost 0.4 kilos.

I was a teeny bit sad because I’ve been so good, but then I realised two things:

a) I’m 30, and my metabolism isn’t what it used to be.

b) My life isn’t The Biggest Loser Australia.

My life is still my life and because I’m still 5 weeks out from surgery I can’t really work out so it’s just losing weight via diet. And I have a job and a husband and a social life, so it can’t just be about dieting and exercise and ‘me’ all the time. My diet also allows me to eat fun things, which I don’t think they do cos their trainers will blow their face off with their giant noisy face holes. I really think that treats are important even if they have no nutritional value. If I’m under my maximum KJ consumption for the day, I’m totally allowed some jellybeans!

So actually, losing 0.4 kilos is not that bad. It’s almost a whole American pound! That’s almost a whole block of butter!

What I’m really enjoying is how thinking about what I eat makes me both aware and accountable for everything I put in my mouth. It’s very easy to not think about taste testing the tasters at work, or eating a left over pie at the end of the day (waste not want not), but when you realise how many extra unnecessary kilojoules that is popping into your body it makes it easy to say no. I’m enjoying having a proper sit down breakfast with myself every morning and deciding on snacks to take to work.

I’m also learning that how I naturally cook is actually quite healthy to start with. I haven’t had to change much. The biggest change has been in being organised so we can HAVE a home cooked meal instead of takeaways. I don’t get home until just before 7pm three to four nights a week and have a husband who doesn’t cook. And I’m not one of those people who can come home from working a 9 hour day and then cook and then eat at 7.30 or 8pm. That would make me a hangry murderous kind of person. So usually about three nights a week we end up resorting to takeaway foods.

I’m finding ways around this. I made the batter for some sweetcorn fritters the night before we needed them, and had Murray cook them for dinner the following day (he can do that kind of cooking). We served it with a simple salad that I made when I got home. It took me literally about 7 minutes to prepare that batter, and we were eating by 7pm. Easy and tasty, it just shows I need to be more organised. No takeaways at all for me this week.

The bigger challenge was eating out. We went to a friend’s birthday dinner on Friday night at That’s Amore pizza. Because I was winerying on Saturday, I didn’t have a free dinner pass. Luckily, they don’t do gluten free pizza anyway, so I was restricted to eating salad even without being on a diet. I ordered an amazing salad with artichoke hearts, walnuts and parmesan and asked for the dressing on the side. It was so good that I didn’t feel left out of the fun of the pizza party. The only fail was the three glasses of wine… I almost totally drank the extra un-bought pizza.

This week is super busy and the necessity of meal planning is showing me that I do actually need to spend more time at home. Looking at it now, I’ll only have two nights where I’ll be home before 8.30pm: tonight and Sunday. This makes planning dinners tricky – but also has helped me look at how little time I get for resting and keeping sane. So all in all I think this losing weight thing may end up being helpful in other areas as I will try and trim back my social life and schedule regular time at home to cook, eat, knit and rest.

So this week coming, I probably won’t change much about this diet plan thing, apart from the free day: it should definitely be a free meal. After the wine tour I was a little tipsy and ate a bunch of naughty things. One wine tour with tipsy mistakes won’t be likely to happen again soon, so I think it’ll be easy to avoid this in future. Otherwise, I’ll keep on trucking with my meal planning and food maths – it’s seriously fun!

Monday 12^th March current weight: 62.2 kilos

Ultimate Goal Weight: 56.0 kilos

Weight to go: 6.2 kilos

OoooH! And here is a recipe along with the food math. I'll try and put one of these in every post:

Basic Stiryfry (serves 3 - 4)

2 eggs 648

1/2 tsp Chinese 5 spice 22

1 Tbsp vege oil 485

1 onion 117

1 capsicum 100

4 large button mushrooms 280

200g brocolli 200

2 cloves garlic finely chopped 60

1 red chilli finely chopped 25

3 Tbsp soy sauce 45

1 Tsp honey 267

1 tsp Fish sauce 30

2 Tbsp Japanese cooking wine 168

Total Kilojoules 2269

1) Scramble eggs with 1/4 teaspoon of Chinese 5 spice. Heat half the oil in a wok and fry the egg. Remove from pan.

2) Stirfry veges in remaining oil. I start with the onion, add brocolli and capsicum and lastly the mushroom.

3) Combine garlic, chilli, soy sauce, honey, fish sauce and cooking wine in a small cup. Add with egg to the stir fry once it has cooked.

Divide into 3 or 4 servings and serve each with 3/4 cup cooked white rice (760 kj) or with 3/4 cup brown rice (685kj) This gives you a tasty meal under 2000kj