Christmas box fun
So, obviously from previous posts this is something I'm passionate about so it's something I'm generally hyper aware of. I am that annoying person who cringes when strangers make positive comments about the joys of having daughters and who dresses her child like (as said by another stranger) a 'Dad' would ie: in whatever is handy and comfortable regardless of colour or gotogetherableness.*
And while I have strong ideas about gender, I also have strong ideas about Etta developing her own sense of self. So from as long as she's been able to make decisions for herself, I let her 'choose' her own clothing when shopping. Within reason, of course - no crazy baby label stuff for instance (easily solved by never venturing past these stores front doors), or giant adult sunglasses she's nabbed off the stand. What this means is that if she needs new shorts, I find appropriate options and give her colour/pattern choices. She always has a preference. Currently she favours imagery she knows (owls, robots etc) and prints in bright colours (predominantly yellow, navy and pink).
At 19 months, Etta still doesn't wear dresses. This is because Etta is just learning to walk now, and what is most important to us as parents, is not to impair her physical progress unnecessarily (especially with arriving at the walking party a little late). Dresses (besides the very very short ones) impair her ability to crawl and move, and at this age exploring the world around her is super important. And at this stage she does not care. While she is starting to establish her own ideas around gender, she doesn't have notions of 'boys' and 'girls' clothing. Yet.
What she has established is that women are 'Mummies' and men are 'Daddies'. This, rather than their function, is their gender. She will point to women on the street, on TV or in books and say 'Mummy', and does the same with the 'Daddies' she spots. While this is disconcerting for our friends (many of whom are not yet functional Mummies or Daddies), I am not yet discouraging her from doing this. Mostly because she's using logic to understand the world around her, and I want her to feel confident to continue doing this.
And in Etta's reasoning, all children are still 'bubbas'. While shop mannequins are 'Mummies' and some cartoon characters are 'Daddies', all children are 'bubbas' and do not have a gender. I'm guessing for Etta gender pertains to adult traits of men and women (voice, boobs, facial hair etc). I am still trying to work out how she can tell the gender of things - while in cartoons it's easy (bow/colour/eyelashes), with headless mannequins dressed in fashionable old lady pants it's more difficult. In fact, womens/mens fashion doesn't seem to come into Etta's understanding of 'Mummies' and 'Daddies' - For instance Ellen DeGeneres is still a 'Mummy'. She rarely gets it wrong (although Sam from Green Eggs and Ham is randomly a 'Mummy' which may well be true as Sam's gender is not defined - yay Dr Seuss!)
Seeing first hand that children have independent thought about gender and gender roles from such an early age helps me feel more confident in my decisions. I am so glad we have done our best to establish balanced ideas about gender for her from day one. And we're really not that hardcore about this**. For us, it just means ensuring her toys aren't overly sexualised (as so many dolls these days are), her clothing is practical and comfortable (ie: not used to objectify her), she has a wide range of (inexpensive) toys to play with, and we reaffirm good qualities in her person other than being beautiful, nice or 'cute'. And we try not to make assumptions of her abilities or chosen methods of play based on her gender, or at least, not to verbalise these in front of her.
Because as we knew, external sources (marketing) will do/are doing their very best to convince her of their own agenda around gender (which is done solely for their own benefit, not societies, trust me). Children of either gender do not need pink tutus or kiddy lipgloss or lessons on how shopping will make you fulfilled (seriously, Shopkins are an actual product). All they need is the basics - unconditional love, shelter, food, stability (where possible) and fun - all of which can be fulfilled in simple clothing with a ball, bubbles a balloon and a box. And marketing will ensure that at some point they are likely to 'realise' for themselves that they need more than the basics, so I reckon keeping it simple while it's easy to do so is just sensible.
As I've said in previous posts I know I can't shelter Etta from the outside world, and I really don't try. What I try to do instead is educate and support her the best way I know how whilst encouraging her own ideas and preferences (currently it's The Moe Show, baths, bubbles, dolly, drawing and cars). I cherish this time with her where I am not battling peer pressure, marketing and other parents notions of gender to provide equal opportunities for her. I am grateful I can dress her like a 'Dad' would and she doesn't hate me for it.
*Hence, the 'unrevealing' of the gender of our current child-to-be.
** We haven't taken all 'gendered' books off our shelves, or redrawn characters to be different genders, or banned the colour pink, or stopped using gendered terms, or banned TV, or avoided malls, or yelled at family members for their inappropriately gendered Christmas gifts.
