Me Too Part Two

Last weeks post had the highest initial hit rate of anything I've posted to date.  I think this is thanks to the zeitgeist of the #metoo campaign, however this doesn't lessen the personal relevance of this topic.  Today I'm focusing on addressing questions that came up - both from others and from myself - from the last post.

The first thing I want to restate is that my intention with blogging is not to shock.  I write to help people feel less alone in their experiences.  I mean this generally - not just in terms of last weeks topic.  It took going to rehab to come to this realisation myself and it completely changed my life.  Because no matter what you've experienced in life, someone else will have experienced it too.

Maybe not down to the infinitesimal details - but the crux will be the same.  For me, realising I was not alone helped me feel stronger - like thousands of strangers were standing behind me and propping me up.  When I write, I hope to impart this feeling to others.  Yes, reading something on the internet is a dilution of living with people like yourself (as I did in rehab) - but the gist is the same.  You are not alone.  Someone else understands what you are going through no matter how strange or awful it is.
I promise you this.

* * *

The next thing I want to say is that I know my post did shock some people.  I'm glad as it means that some people have not had the experiences I have.  When I look back at my life objectively it is not an exaggeration to say I was an easy target for this kind of abuse.

• I came from an unstable nuclear family
• My parents came from unstable families
• I had an upbringing focused on the differences in the roles of men and women
• I grew up in an era where it was commonplace to leave kids to their own devices
• I was a fast developer

Coming from an unstable family meant that it was difficult for me to feel I could rely on my parents.  And moving frequently meant it was difficult to build stable relationships with adults outside of my family.  I felt independent from a very young age - I think this was a combination of situation and personality.  As a means of maintaining my independent position, I rarely took my problems to my parents.  They had other stuff going on and I genuinely believed I was better at managing them myself.

In defense of my parents, they both grew up in unstable homes too.  I will say no more than that as it's their story to tell, but it is an objective truth.  Both of my parents wanted to be better parents than they felt their parents had been.  And for the most part they were good parents.  We were by no means neglected and we were definitely loved.  But I think they lacked the skills - having not had it themselves - to really emotionally connect with us.  As a child I never felt close to either of my parents.  And living among the instability of their relationship further distanced me from them.

Haphazard religion provided an odd focus on some old fashioned ideas regarding gender roles.  Growing up on farms, I learned that a woman could do anything provided she came home and cooked and cleaned afterward.  And good women kept their hair long.  A dominant scary father and submissive, shy mother were my gender role models.  And whilst from a young age I rallied to be defined differently, it was difficult to fight my conditioning.

And it was the 80's.  I think people may have forgotten how normal it was to just let kids play by themselves back then.  In this respect my childhood was no different than that of my peers.  In truth, we were even more closely monitored than many kids I knew.  And in the country especially, most of the time (I feel) we were safe.

To me Boy reflected how things were growing up in the country in the 80's,

albeit a more extreme reflection than how I personally grew up.

The only times these incidents took place was when there were small opportunistic windows.  And they only happened more than once because I never said anything.

* * *

And once something becomes a bit dented it breaks more easily the next time it falls.

Being exposed to sexual things early made me come to expect these experiences as normal*.  I had also been groomed my entire life to be a 'nice girl'.  I found (and still find) it hard to deviate from this.  As a 'nice' teenage girl with early sexual encounters I struggled to understand how to set boundaries in terms of sex.  I struggled to even understand my own sexuality, as it always seemed be defined by who I was with.  I was a 'nice' girl - lost.

Teen me, my boyfriend and bro crew (faces greyed for privacy.

I soon found a solution to that boundary setting problem which meant I rarely had to deviate from 'nice'.  I became a serial monogamist.  Constantly having a boyfriend meant I no longer had to have those awkward conversations.  I could just say 'Sorry, I have a boyfriend'.  This was especially helpful as growing up, most of my friends were boys**.  Always having a boyfriend meant I could still hang out with my guy mates as mates with no worries.  The longest I've ever been single since I was fourteen was for about three months.

Before I came up with that solution however, I tried something else.  Hitting puberty before my peers was hard.  There were different expectations of me and new interest in me.  This was uncomfortable, along with the new feeling of jiggle when I ran.  And when things became worse at home and we*** finally left, I started trying to instill my own control with how I ate.

I wouldn't say I was anorexic - my weight loss and outlook were never that extreme.  I would say I went through periods of very unhealthy relationships with food.

After cutting so much from my diet that my body started to reject food (uncontrollably vomiting after eating) I freaked out a bit and made a conscious effort to eat more normally.  Since then though - up until my mid 20's I had patches of binging and purging, excessive exercising and extreme dieting - each incident sparked by something in my life which triggered a strong urge to control whatever I could.  This hasn't been problematic for years, but viewing food as a facilitator of control or pleasure is something that will never go away.

The latest Kardashian cover

Following this, I tried to love the body I was in - curvy.  But not seeing this body type reflected on TV or in magazines at that time, I turned to the only outlet that seemed to appreciate women who looked like me - pornography.  I watched it.  I read it.  I drew pictures of it.  It wasn't a thing of sexual titillation - it was just the only way I could see women who looked like me 'appreciated' other than in paintings that were hundreds of years old.  None of this will have helped me in terms of having realistic expectations regarding my body, sex and relationships.

These days, us curvy ladies have the Kardashians to look up to.  But like the women in porno, they are there to sell one thing - sex****.  If society idolised women based on their skills rather than their looks we could begin to see a larger representation of women in terms of looks.  And the focus would start to shift from what we looked like at all.  To me, this is optimal in terms of shifting the focus from women as objects to women as people.

The Librarians 'cover' - way more awesome

* * *

The other thing I realised after posting is that in all my history of this stuff is that I never personally experienced any kind of workplace sexual harassment.   Have I witnessed it?  Yes, a number of times.  But it never happened to me.

I think this is because at work I'm quite a different person.  Work has preset boundaries which makes it easier for me to set personal boundaries.  Also, I'm kinda bolshy - I'm the person people dreaded having in operations meetings because I would always bring up (important) issues not on the agenda.  In the workplace colleagues were (and maybe still are?) a bit scared of me.  Consequently, they have never been any kind of sexual threat.

The kinds of women I've seen harassed at work were almost the antithesis of me at work - shy, soft-spoken, or possessing a fragility obvious underneath a staunch facade - this hasn't changed over the 20+ years I've worked.  It's horrible.  I've seen sexual harassment perpetrated by colleagues, bosses, clients and customers.  They purposefully target quieter women as they seem like a 'safe' bet.  And in only one instance I witnessed did the victim actually speak up about her experience (I was her boss.  We took it to HR.  We sorted it).

In every case I have seen (bar one, and I still feel bad about it) I have encouraged these women to speak up.  Sadly, not all of them did.  I had one workmate who suffered ongoing harassment from customers.  I encouraged her to talk to our manager but she didn't want to be a problem.  I knew our manager would back her - it was a very caring family business we worked for.  Regardless, she was scared she would lose her job.  I couldn't speak for her - I understood and respected her position - how could I not?  I was in it so often in my own life.  But I still felt sad for her.

Thank you Taylor Swift for outing this opportunistic creep.  Straight up workplace harassment.

* * *

I think I could write about this all day every day and still have more to say.  But I have to leave it here for now.

I am so grateful for all the people who messaged me - publicly or in private - last week.  Mostly because it shows we are starting to open up a dialogue about these uncomfortable things.  Because they need to be talked about***** if we are going to understand how to change things to make this a safer place for the next generation.

Thank you Poto Williams         

I hope this legislation gets through!

 

I am hopeful that the #metoo movement heralds bigger changes.  It is hard to see us able to move very far when we still have men in power like Donald Trump.  But it's certainly a possibility.  I am grateful that at least here in New Zealand a change in government will likely mean changes to our criminal justice system putting the onus on the accused rather than the accuser.  At least that's a start.

We still have a long way to go.

* Not exactly relevant to me, but important to note that about 1/3 of women who experience rape before the age of 18 experience rape as an adult (US stats - struggling to get the link to work sorry).

** As a kid I didn't really 'get' most other girls.  I generally had different interests, and on hitting puberty early, and becoming even more different, I started to get bullied for those differences.  Until I hit my late 20's all my closest friendships had been with dudes, and I'm grateful to still count some of those guys in my close circle today (although also grateful to have met a bunch of fucking amazing women who get me and love me anyway).

*** When I was 14 I left home and my Mum followed shortly after.  We then got a small flat in Helensville and Mum and Dad had joint custody of my brother.

**** They do this so they can sell us something else - the Kardashian brand.  Because they know that sex sells.  From their perspective, it's smart marketing, but unfortunately most of us don't really watch the Kardashians because we appreciate their marketing skills.

***** I don't think that everyone should feel like they have to talk about this stuff.  For some people, this may not be helpful to their mental wellbeing.  They should not feel like they have to talk about it until they are ready.  That is unfair.  I am comfortable having this dialogue which is why I do it.  Although it may not seem so, there are plenty of things I do not feel comfortable talking about.  Yet.

Me Too And Why I Didn't Tell Anyone

** TRIGGER WARNING** Sexual assault.

Please don't read if you know this may be triggering or unhelpful to you.  I am not trying to be gratuitous, I am trying to give an honest account of my experiences as a woman as I don't believe them to be uncommon.  I am hopeful that in doing this I can help other women feel that they are less alone in their experience, and maybe give an insight to those who do not live with suffering sexual harassment and abuse on a regular basis.

If you want to skip the incidents and just read about why I never told anyone, and what I think we can do differently - just miss the first section in italics and read ahead.  If you are in New Zealand, and you do read this and things come up for you you can call victim support on 0800 842 846.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was nine years old an older boy I had not met before showed me his penis in a spa pool.  It was the first time I'd seen a penis that didn't belong to my Dad or my brother.  He wanted to see  something in return so I showed him my hand which made him angry.  I didn't know what to do (there were no adults around at this time) so I showed him my flat nine year old chest which placated him for a while.  Then when I refused to cater to his next request (oral sex) he chased me into the house and pinned me down.  Then someone (an adult relative) arrived home and he got off me and pretended like nothing had happened.*

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

Me around age 10 wearing my Brownie sash.

When I was eleven years old I went to a very small country Primary school.  During Summer, we were allowed to have supervised swimming at lunchtimes which was great because it was hot and we were kids.  For a period of time, during swimming an older boy would chase and grab me then try to forcefully penetrate me with his fingers under the water.  This happened many times and I always fought him because it really hurt me, and I didn't understand why he was doing it.  He was much bigger than I was.  He would just laugh at me while he did it while I tried not to drown.  It was a game to him.

 *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was fourteen years old I started going out with a guy my age.  He, and other friends were sleeping over at a party at my house for my fourteenth birthday.  We thought we'd try to give sex a go.  I didn't really know how it worked, and neither did he.  Long story short, we didn't have sex and we broke up shortly thereafter.  He told all the boys in my year that I was too tight to have sex with so he dumped me.  Unsurprisingly, I was teased about it at school by strangers mercilessly**.

 *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was fifteen years old I was at a party at my boyfriends house.  I was extremely intoxicated.  He wanted to have sex with me.  I told him no - we had had sex before but I was not interested at that time because of my drunken state.  I don't even know how many times I said that word.  In the end I was so drunk and tired I just lay there and let him do it because it was just easier that way.  We never spoke about it and remained friends.

 *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

My award winning team-mates from YES       
(I'm not in this photo as I had work that day)    

  

When I was sixteen years old I was walking from a friends house (mentioned above ^) to High School for a Young Enterprise Scheme meeting.  A man stopped me on the street to ask me the time.  He then grabbed my wrist and tried to drag me into a bush.  I managed to wriggle out of his grip and run to the Massey shops, then waited until I was sure he was gone before continuing on to my meeting.  This was in the afternoon on a main thoroughfare.  I was wearing a long brown velvet skirt (it was the 90's), a black shirt, and a smart/casual brown jacket.  I thought I looked like a businesswoman.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was eighteen years old I went on a couple of dates with a guy I had known some years earlier through High School.  We had only ever kissed.  One night we were at a party with mutual friends.  We were playing drinking games and I became very intoxicated.  He took me to a bedroom and locked me in there with him.  A friend was concerned so was banging on the door trying to get him to unlock it.  I don't remember any of this - she told me the next day when she was checking that I was ok.  I can vaguely remember the sex.  I remember trying to seem enthusiastic even though I was barely conscious - it was what you were supposed to do, right?

In the morning, I remembered that I had my period.  The sex had been had while I had a tampon in and it was very stuck and took some time to dislodge.  I never heard from or saw this boy again.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

When I was maybe 24 years old I went to a Halloween party down the road from my house at the home of an acquaintance where I was meeting friends.  On arriving to the party someone - I have no idea who because the hallway was as crowded as a moshpit - grabbed me through my dress between the legs and tried to insert their fingers into me.  I writhed away from their hold and screamed out exactly what had just happened.  No-one in that crowd even asked me if I was ok - they just moved away from me like I was a crazy person.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

Last week I was walking home from the dairy with my kids when an older man I know (he is a friendly fixture of the neighbourhood) stopped to say hi and talk to the kids.  He gave me a bag of oranges even though I told him please, I don't need any oranges.  We have an orange tree.  He ignored me.  He then tried to kiss me on the mouth and touch me in an inappropriate way.  I left as quickly as I could.  I felt like I was going to throw up.  I have not felt comfortable walking to the dairy since.

 Me, the day after the incident above - at Paw Patrol with my family.

These are just a few of the many incidents that I've dealt with over my life.  There are many more but I don't think it's necessary or helpful to share all of them for you, reader, to understand my point.  Women like me suffer incidents like this far too often.

And I know many women who have suffered far greater that I.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

The Harvey Weinstein allegations and the #metoo social media campaign have opened up an international dialogue around women's every-day experiences of sexual harassment and assault.  Sadly, so far nothing I have read - none of the heartfelt personal statements from any public figures or strangers or friends or family have shocked me.  Because, as you may already know, these experiences happen to women everywhere, every day.

The other commonality is that we don't tell anyone.  And we carry the shame and guilt of the experience, and of not telling anyone.  Discussing why this is, and how we can change things, is what I want to focus on today.

I never told anyone about what happened when I was nine.  I think I might have told a therapist in my 20's, and probably some friends when I was older but I definitely never told anyone at the time.  I can remember aspects of that day with crystal clarity, because even though I wasn't 100% sure what was happening, I was sure it was meaningful.  I felt a mix of feelings - fear of getting in trouble for what had happened and excitement - that an older boy did things that demonstrated that he 'liked' me.

It's the same story with the incident when I was eleven.  Even though I felt sick and disgusted and hurt and not an ounce of excitement.  And even though I was asked by an adult if I was ok because it was apparent something was going on (supervised swimming) - I still said nothing.  The adult who checked on me (the principal of the school) had previously referred to me in passing as 'a flirt'.  I wasn't entirely sure what that meant, but I didn't think it was good.  And I was sure it was linked to attention from boys.  So I was sure that if I told him what was actually happening to me I would get into trouble.  Because I had somehow initiated things.

It took me until I was in my late 20's to even begin to consider those date rape stories as such.  Even though I had said no and even though I was intoxicated and clearly not consenting.  Because I felt that  probably during sex I would have made some sort of consenting noise in order to speed the process along.  Because I didn't want it to be happening, but felt powerless to stop it from happening.  I stayed friends with one of the guys until the friendship ran its natural course.  I put the incident down to a fumble on both our parts due to lack of knowledge of how sex was supposed to work.  I never saw a need to tell anyone and in truth, I still don't feel mad at him.  That second guy though - retrospectively - he was a predatory creep and I really should have told someone.  But what do you say when this happens?

Teen me, wearing the same brown skirt.

I did tell someone about the incidents with strangers.  I told friends, and I think I did tell my Mum about the man who grabbed me on the street.  Telling someone about strangers acting dangerous didn't feel so awkward because strangers are the people we are told will do this to us.  I didn't tell the police.  It never even occurred to me that this was something I should do.  Now I'm a parent and reading awful articles about guys trying to (and sometimes succeeding in) grab(bing) kids and young teens, I would call straight away.  But I didn't know this then.  And at the time, both my Mother and myself had had negative dealings with police.  I had been given no reason to trust them to do anything if I did tell them.

I told my Murray about the recent incident immediately.  I had already had an uncomfortable dealing with this person and had told Murray I felt unsafe around him.  Murray went around and spoke to him that night to try to 'iron things out' and help me feel safer.  I really appreciate it, because it was not an easy thing to do (this is a big guy from a different cultural background - he could have easily hit Murray) but I still feel unsafe.  He knows where I live and work - how can I feel safe?

So why didn't I feel safe enough to tell anyone about most of these incidents at the time?
Because I thought all of them were somehow my fault.

Many of us 70's and 80's kids learned about the

'facts of life' from this illustrated tome.      

While I remember being read Where Did I Come From vaguely as a young child, those awkward period discussions at Intermediate and seeing horrifying images of STI's at High School, I don't remember anything else in the way of sex education.  I didn't feel I could talk to my parents openly about this sort of stuff.  I remember my Dad catching me and the next door neighbour boy kissing behind a horse float when I was about five and him saying 'Don't let boys touch you.'  He never said why, and I was actually a bit scared of boys for a while (five year olds are notoriously imaginative).  What was implicit in that sentence though was that I was the gatekeeper of my body.

It doesn't seem that huge a leap to feel that if someone breached my body it was going to be my fault: 'Don't let.' = my job.  So every time a boy touched me inappropriately, I felt I had failed to do my job.  And if the adults in my life found out, I would be duly punished.

I don't think this feeling is unusual.  Sure, other girls mightn't have had it said in those exact words. But maybe when they were older someone said: 'You're not going out dressed like that are you?' or 'You shouldn't be out so late at night' or 'You shouldn't have got so drunk.'  Every single one of these statements puts the ownership of women's safety squarely on their own shoulders.

Every one of those statements implies that it's our fault if someone else breaches our bodies.
That we failed.

*            *            *            *             *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

How have these things impacted on my life?  Well, they certainly haven't helped with my social anxiety that's for sure.  I doubt my own judgment or my ability to accurately assess situations.  I have trust issues - generally, with humans.  Having been penetrated before I ever knew self love, I have never felt my body was my own to love.  I was promiscuous from very young - sex just never felt like much of a big deal because my body never felt like it was my own.  I do not feel strong, or capable of being strong.  I feel tired and worn down and angry. 

And when incidents like the most recent one happen these old feelings become stronger, my anxiety worsens and I develop insomnia.  So yeah, I'd say there's a significant impact.

How can we change this?

There are many thoughts about this already out there (like this great list) but I see no harm in adding to them.

Here are some of my thoughts:

• We need to create a safe environment for our children to come to us with their thoughts, fears and mistakes.  If we can show them they can tell us anything and we will still love them and take their concerns seriously, they will be more likely to come to us.  And if we can start this process when they are young, we have a lot of time to put in the building blocks for when they're older.

• We need to educate our kids about sex, age appropriately, from very young.  We have to stop assuming that abuse only happens post-puberty.  We need to remember that 90% of victims of childhood sexual abuse know their abuser.  We have to arm them with knowledge - about their bodies, their rights and what to do if something goes wrong (there's some good stuff here).  We need to make sure they feel safe to tell us what's happening even if their abuser is Uncle Bob.

• We have to stop forcing our children to have physical interactions with family members and friends.  I don't care if Aunty Margaret thinks it's just polite.  This sends mixed messages regarding consent and unwanted touching.  Our children's well-being is far more important than Aunty Margarets traditions or hurt feelings.   End of story.

Harvey Weinstein - a powerful man.  Now accused 
by over 40 women of sexual misconduct spanning decades

• We need to remember that abusers are manipulative and most abusers are known to their victims.  If they weren't good at hiding their actions, they would not be able to continue the abuse.  Abusers will lie, coerce, bend truths and 'correct' peoples memories to ensure their position is secure.  Our abusers are our fathers, our uncles, our sons, our partners, our friends, our family friends, our neighbours, our work colleagues.  They will usually seem like 'a bloody good bloke' to most.  They will do their utmost to seem like the pillar of morality when it serves them.

Why do we immediately think Bill Cosby

is innocent?  Because he was a tv Dad and

because we don't know the women who

have accused him so we don't believe them.

• We have to stop putting the onus on women for sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape.  Slut-shaming, and self imposed curfews on women imply that we are in the wrong.  It is not wrong to want to go for a walk and enjoy the night sky.  It's not wrong to want to feel the wind on your skin.  It is not wrong to go on a date with someone then decide you don't want to sleep with them.  It is wrong to sexually assault someone.  The fault is with the abuser.  As a society we need to start recognising this.

• We need to listen with open minds to women's stories.  We need society to become a safer place for these stories to be heard.  Until it feels safer, why would they tell anyone?

• When we talk about gender we need to stop reinforcing these antiquated fucked up roles that pitch men as this and women as that.  This macho rugby, racing and beer bullshit bro-code does no-one any favours***.  Even better - stop focusing on gender period - gender is a social construct.  We have built our own rape culture.  We need to un-build this.

• We can start by doing our best not to objectify women.  This is such a built in part of our daily lives that as women many of us have come to crave objectification.  We want to be seen as beautiful.  We buy the magazines, we buy the lipsticks, we idolise the Beyonce's.  We need to stop just referring to our female children as 'pretty' and start throwing some other adjectives in there so that they seek approval for their intelligence, their kindness and their wit rather than their ability to be a good object.  We need to focus on all their abilities rather than just those celebrated by society as befitting for women.  Because if you think this isn't a thing maybe just have a look at the slogans in kids T shirts in basically any department store.  Trust me, girls are groomed from babies to be pretty, passive flowers.

• Likewise, we need to stop treating men and boys as unfeeling observers.  We need to give our male children dolls and teach them kindness and empathy and that it's ok to cry.  We need to hug and kiss them and respect their feelings.  We need to stop telling them to 'man up'.

• We need to educate boys to understand consent.  And if we see errant behaviors we need to correct them at the time.  Saying 'boys will be boys' is basically just a straight up license for them to continue doing what they like.  It's not ok.  Do not praise peers for 'scoring' with 'chicks'.  We have to stop creating a dynamic where boys and men get kudos for being hypersexual while women are punished for it.

• We need to create some sort of website or PSA about exactly what to do if you have been sexually assaulted.  Do you know what to do if this happens to you?  I sure as shit still do not.  I picture some kind of pyramid of incidents going from catcalling and the like (at the bottom) to rape at the top.  Each with a series of things to do when this happens.  What do we do?  Who do we tell?  What precisely will happen if we tell?

• We need clear processes and procedures within our schools and workplaces regarding sexual harassment, discrimination and abuse.  And we actually need those processes and procedures communicated to us - maybe even during orientation at a new workplace.  Because if we don't know they exist, how can we use them?

The Roast Busters + John Tamihere and Willie Jackson      

who shamelessly victim blamed *Amy (a victim of the pair)   

on live radio.                                        

• We need to demonstrate that there are consequences for abusers.  Recently we've seen massive public abuse cases like Roastbusters where a cop has received the international award of Most Outstanding International Female Investigator even though no prosecution has been laid.  These are our public examples of what happens to known rapists in New Zealand - absolutely nothing.  What is the deterrent to perpetrators of abuse?  Very little.

And for those of us who have made mistakes, we need to rectify these.  We need to apologise to those we my have hurt and make amends.  We need to stop excusing our behavior and work to do better and we may need to get help and support to facilitate that change.  We have all grown up in the 'rape society' I speak about.  We have all been conditioned to accept and believe certain things.  But we all have the capacity to do better.  We can change this culture.  We can make the world a safer place for our children than it was for us. 

* I realised post-posting that I should point out being left alone was not a common occurrence of my childhood.  This was pre celphones - there was a miscommunication and it was expected that my relative would be home - this happened in a small time frame - probably less than half an hour.

** I think it is important to note that this boy, many years later tracked me down via Oldfriends and apologised to me.  It sounded likely that he was going through a 12 Step Program and was up to the 'making amends' part.  I accepted his apology.  I was no longer upset - it had happened a long time before, and I had some understanding of his family situation.  His apology was surprising, realising that he had held on to the guilt from his actions that long made me feel sad for him.  Even though I didn't need the apology I am grateful to him to this day for realising how this may have impacted on my life.

*** Read previous post re: male suicide rates.

On Mental Health Awareness Week and my Mental Health

Because it's Mental Health Awareness Week I thought I should talk about mental health.  I've talked about this before - but it's always good to revisit as I learn new things over time.

My official diagnosis is PTSD resulting in anxiety, depression and dissociative disorder.  PTSD stands for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and in my case it's childhood trauma - so I can never  remember a time where I wasn't mentally ill.

I wasn't officially diagnosed until I was 20, but I have been symptomatic my entire life.  When I was  11 I was diagnosed with exercise induced asthma.  Retrospectively, what I was actually suffering from would have been panic attacks.  Kids didn't get diagnosed with mental health stuff back in the 80's and NZ has the second highest rate of asthma in the world, so it was a reasonable assumption.  Even though my peak flows were always off the charts.

How does having this illness affect me in daily life?

Like Masha and the Bear only not so cute...      

Well, sometimes it doesn't affect me much.  Living with mental health issues is like living with a friendly bear.  You live together side by side, most of the time it's just a little uncomfortable because it's a bit weird living with a bear.  But some days the bear just shits in your bed.  And you have to clean it up before you can go to sleep.  And some days the bear totally maims you with its claws and you feel like you will bleed to death and die.  But you don't want to tell anyone because your flatmate is an unpredictable bear.

And you don't always know when those messy days will occur.

Sometimes I know when things are starting to get bad and you I help.  But sometimes I've convinced myself that I'm ok, so I don't.  I have been in and out of therapy for 22 years now and I still don't get it right all the time.  I am sure this is not uncommon.

If only I had a protocol droid

The everyday things I struggle with are social.  I need to know what is socially expected of me to feel comfortable - I wish I had a protocol droid like C3PO at my side 24/7 to help me negotiate my way through social situations.  If I don't know what is expected of me I tend to panic and then shut down - like an overheated engine.  Consequently, I am scared of phoning people I don't know, walking into a situation I have little information about, or trying new (social) things.

This may seem odd to people who know me because I am a social, friendly person.  It's because I like people.  And I am fine in social situations if I know what's expected of me.  That's why I like working in retail - there are obvious parameters for most interactions.  The kinds of things I'm not good at are small talk with parents I don't know, or interacting with tradespeople or going to job interviews.

The other thing I suck at is conflict resolution.  I may seem bold on social media, and in person, but when it comes to actual conflict I freeze.  I have watched myself do it.  When someone touched me inappropriately recently (even after I had told him 'no' insistently) I just froze*.  It's like I'm a deer caught in the headlights.  I don't want to respond this way, but my body physically refuses to do anything else.  It's part of my dissociative disorder.

The other part of this is that I often zone out so much I truly do not see or hear anything outside of my 'zone'.  If I am out of the house, I am usually on a mission - so I'm in my 'zone'.  People have often accused me of 'snobbing' them because I have completely ignored them despite their bids to get my attention.  I'm telling you now, 98% of the time I would have just not seen or heard them at all.  This isn't the greatest for my kids - I have to work really hard on trying to be present for them, but it is really handy for getting work done in a noisy environment, or staying on task to complete a project.  So it's not all bad.

If I am unwell, I will try and manage my survival by procrastination or total avoidance.  I will avoid areas of known potential conflict.  I will not make the phone calls or open my mail.  I won't engage in unpredictable social activities.  When I was extremely unwell at 20 I just stopped leaving my house entirely**.

Sertraline - truly a lifesaver for me      

    

These days I manage my illness primarily with medication.  I take a low dose of Sertraline (the safest anti-depressant for when breastfeeding or pregnant), which is an SSRI that helps balance out my brain chemistry a little.  For me, being on medication means I can actually just live a normal life.  When I came off my meds recently, cashing up at work would often cause me to have a panic attack** even though I'm very experienced and good at this.  Because I was panicking, I would make mistakes.  Taking my medication means I can actually do my job competently without freaking out.

I've heard many misconceptions around antidepression and antianxiety medications - the main one being that it makes people into zombies.  Sure, if someone is on lithium or loads of sleeping meds or a combination of meds then maybe yes.  But in my case it just helps me feel, I guess, like a well person.  This will likely be the same for most people with long mental health histories - over time we have found the right chemical balance for us.  There are many, many different medications out there, and you often have to try several before finding the right one.  Dissociation makes it difficult to feel connected with reality.  It often feels like I am watching everything through plastic, like I'm a voyeur in my own life.  For me, medication helps me feel more connected with the world and consequently, makes it easier to make better decisions***.

I've also heard that it kills your creativity.  Maybe it does for some people, but not for me.  I try and write about something I care about at least once a week.  I photograph birds daily.  I try and have an annual creative project to work toward and look forward to.  Medication actually reigns in my manic tendencies which allows me to have better focus.  And my creative tendencies help me manage my mental health in a productive way.

Consciously engaging with nature daily in a creative way helps me to feel grounded

I do other things to manage my mental health as well.  Medication is the stabiliser, but in order to stay well I need to live consciously.  I try to make sure I have regular time to myself.  I focus on gratitude - daily when I'm not coping well.  I connect with the bigger world outside.  I walk.  I read.  I utilise routines.  I (try to) practice mindfulness.

1 in 6 New Zealanders will experience mental illness at some point in their lives.  And women are 1.6 times more likely to be diagnosed than men.  I don't believe is necessarily because we experience it more.  I think that Kiwi men still struggle to talk about their wellbeing so are less likely to get a diagnosis - I'd say our suicide statistics reflect this.  I am so grateful that we have men like John Kirwin and Mike King working to change this.

If I could impress one thing on those struggling to understand mental illness, it would be that it is a real illness.  We are not just really sad.  We are not just high strung.  We cannot just 'get over it'.  Like managing any illness, we need to visit our Drs regularly.  We need to utilise tools (medication, therapy, changes to lifestyle) to manage our illness.  And living like this is tough.  For some of us we have to live this way for the rest of our lives.  And it's not to feel special, or because we are too lazy to be 'normal'.   Mental illness is not a choice.
No-one would choose this.

But with understanding, patience and compassion you can choose to support those of us who experience it.

*            *            *            *            *            *             *            *            *            *

If you think that you, or someone you know may be suffering from mental illness read this.
If you want more ideas on how to help someone suffering from mental illness, read this.

* It was (again) due to social disconnect.  If he were some rando I would probably have kicked him in the balls.  But he wasn't.  He's someone I know who is older and doesn't speak much English, and I didn't know the social convention of how to handle bad touching from an old person I know.

**At that point I didn't think I could cope with any social interactions in an appropriate manner (besides with my Mother) and was terrified of running into people I knew on the street - there was also a high chance of doing that as I was living in the suburb I grew up in where everyone knows pretty much everyone else.

***Because of perceived time pressure leading to awkward social interactions with managers.
 
**** When you don't feel like you actually exist it's very easy to make poor choices.  It's like you're playing a video game and you're curious to see what will happen if you walk into that pit with the spikes.  You know that you can just start over.  Because you're not really dead.  If you don't feel connected with existence to begin with it is difficult to feel afraid of death or of the outcomes of poor choices.

Sometimes It's Hard To Be A Woman

I am totally envious of Tammy's hair.  Not her song choice though.

The only good line in a terribly outdated sexist song.  But a good line nonetheless.
I feel this acutely at the moment.  Right now, for me, it feels hard to be a woman.

Me post surgery looking fly in hospital garb

To date, I have been hospitalised* 11 times.  82% of these hospitalisations were directly related to my biological gender.  And every surgery I've ever had, of which there are four, have been directly related to the anatomy of my sex.  All (bar one) were necessary for my survival.

For Mum, it's 13 hospital stays in total with 92% of those being related to her biological gender.  Of 10 surgeries, eight were lady specific.  And she's got another surgery coming up later this month.

A recent scan showed I have a large submucosal uterine fibroid.  I am hoping to avoid hospital this time by attempting to treat my symptoms naturally via diet and contraceptive pill (so I don't get periods**).  My GP is happy with this conservative approach so long as it's monitored well and effectively manages my pain.  If not, I'll be heading back to see yet more gynae specialists.

I know our stats may be disproportionate to the norm, so I wanted to share some more general stats about common women specific health issues:

• Women are 4 times more likely than men to experience bladder leakage issues.
• 30 - 40% of women will experience vaginal prolapse (these rates increase for women who've had more than two children or a hysterectomy).  And about 25% of women will suffer a uterine prolapse. 
• 25 -  80% of women in NZ will have fibroids.  Of these however, only 20 - 50% of women will be symptomatic. (Weird stats, but all I could find... feel free to research yourself)
•  3 - 10%*** of women in NZ suffer from endometriosis. 
• An estimated 5 - 10% of women in NZ suffer from PCOS (poly cyctic ovarian syndrome)
•  One study of 1200 women post partum found that 18 months on, 24% of women still experienced significant pain with intercourse (dyspareunia). 

 

Not Helpful Big Bang Theory        

So when I see sitcoms making fun of PMS and period pain and no bigger picture context, I get pissed.  We see girls bleeding through their dress at Prom, we see a Jekyll and Hyde like projection of women on or off their periods, we see 'frigid women' - portrayed as bitches, or someone who is later 'transformed' by the 'right man' (as opposed to them possibly being survivors of sexual assault, or gay, or suffering from painful or embarrassing medical issues, or lacking in esteem, or just genuinely not interested in sex).  Simplifying women's health issues to these basic tropes is unhelpful.  Especially when so many women suffer from an array of serious illnesses in relation to menstruation and the functions around our ability to build and carry new life. 

The average time between presentation of symptoms and getting a diagnosis for endometriosis in New Zealand, is eight years.  The most common symptom for this disorder is painful periods but others include IBS like symptoms and exhaustion.  For some women, the pain is unbearable.  Whilst I understand that this presentation is generic and could apply to many other disorders or combinations of disorders, eight years seems a long time to diagnose something with sometimes debilitating symptoms and, on average, affects 10% of the female population.

But I think the main thing that prevents diagnosis of this and other women's health issues, is that as women we are raised to expect that pain is just normal.  We get told that periods are painful.  And if we grow up in Christian households we are told this pain is to atone for Eve's sin**** so it's a natural part of 'God's plan' for us.  We see ads on TV for products designed specifically to help with period pain and for heavy flow days.  Our pain is just part of our experience as women.

'PMS isn't real Needy, it was invented by the boy-run media to make us seem like we're crazy.' - Jennifer Check (Jennifer's Body [2009])

Women's pain is normalised to the point where I have seen women try to tear those down who don't experience it.  As in, there is something wrong with women that aren't in agony once a month.  It's like the more pain you're in the more womanly you are perceived to be.  But, simultaneously you are supposed to be able to handle this pain.  It's like some weird competition in stoicism.  It's fucked up.

Take this and you'll feel better.  Just maybe not so keen on sexy times.

And when we go to our Drs and complain about this pain they too often will write this off as 'normal'.  Because women's pain is regularly not taken seriously.  To give perspective, ovarian cysts caused me so much pain that two drs (my GP and ED Dr) misdiagnosed it as appendicitis.  I am grateful they took me seriously at all.  I know for a fact that plenty of other women will have presented in this level of pain and been told to go home and take some panadeine.  The one thing Drs will often do for period related complaints is give us the magical cure-all - 'the pill' which often helps us feel better, but doesn't actually treat the underlying issue.

I started my relationship with 'the pill' when I was 14 years old.  I started menstruating when I was 11 and my periods had always been inconsistent and painful.  By the time I was 14 I realised this was affecting my ability to attend school.  Family Planning thought the mini pill was a good place to start and no-one questioned this choice at the time - least of all 14 year old me.  Because it really did help.

 But like most drugs, the pill is not perfect.  The common side effects of the pill I take now (Ava) are:

• nausea
• abdominal pain
• weight gain
• headaches
• mood changes
• breast tenderness
• lowered libido (listed as less common)

Also, rates of thrombosis and breast cancer increase for women regularly taking contraceptive pills.

So I take this magical pill which stops me from fainting at work and crying when I pick up my children, but I pay for this in other ways.  Like not knowing about random stuff growing in my own body (cysts/fibroids) because my symptoms were masked for years.  The side effects I get from any pill I'm on include an increase in IBS like symptoms, weight gain and lowered libido.

What's the point in birth control if you can't get it up?

I don't know why lowered libido is listed as 'less common'.  Almost every woman I've spoken openly with about this stuff has experienced either this, or the inability to orgasm, whilst taking the contraceptive pill.*****  My guess is that it was less reported in trials because people are not always that honest when it comes to how sexy they feel.  Why do you think there's no male pill yet?  I think it's because 'possible side effects: erectile dysfunction' wouldn't make for a best seller.

So why did do we accept this for women?  I think it's because we don't feel like we have much of a choice.  In my case I can live in intermittent chronic pain and have a sex drive, or I can live with lower pain levels and not.  And the nice side effect is that it also provides birth control, which for someone with my health history****** is actually the only contraception I can use besides condoms (and I have a latex sensitivity, son prolonged use of condoms gives me thrush).

Speaking of lowered libidos, I looked high and low to find information on when sex should stop hurting post childbirth.  Because after Etta, it hurt like a bitch.  Not just the first time, but for over the first year of 'attempting' it.  It wasn't just sex - it hurt to insert a tampon.  I went to my Dr and they did a physical exam, said I was fine other than having BV and said I should try some lube.  Thanks Dr Ali.  No-one tries lube before they come to the Dr to get their vagina uncomfortably examined.  You're a medical genius

It wasn't the BV that was causing me pain.  I talked on Mummies forums and I read as much as I could and then I learned that women who deliver via emergency C Section are twice as likely as women who laboured naturally to have pain with sex 18 months after delivery. My uneducated guess, in my case anyway, is that having a baby stuck in the vaginal passage may cause nerve damage which takes considerable time to heal.  After reading that, and considering my delivery, I wasn't surprised that sex hurt so bad.

My C Section scar.  Much less painful than my vagina.

My point in all this is that I wish there was better support for women's health issues at an education level, a medical level and a social level.

I wish that girls learned in school not just about STI's and periods, but about every day things that might happen to their bodies.  I'd like them to get a run down on the most common issues to affect women, their symptoms, and who to go to if they have concerns about any of these things.  If girls are learning this stuff in school now, I'd love to know, because we certainly didn't.  If they still aren't by the time my kids are that big I can promise you that that section of education is going to be taught at home.  And it will be taught thoroughly.  And I will happily teach any other kids if anyone will let me do it.

I wish that our health system was under less pressure.  I wish Drs were more able to spend time to talk to patients to form a more holistic view for more accurate diagnoses.  I was at my Drs yesterday and after a half hour wait with two squiggly sick kids she was very apologetic for the delay and was obviously stressed.  Our Drs always seem stretched.  And heading into hospitals it seems even worse.  My hope is that if the pressure came off GP's and hospital services, they might have a better chance of diagnosing these common problems earlier which would save bajillions of tax payer dollars down the line in surgeries whilst giving loads of people better quality of life. 

If there were more funding available for women's health issues, maybe more serious things could be diagnosed earlier.  A woman who's endometriosis is discovered when she's at stage 2 rather than stage 4 may still be able to get pregnant.  If my Mum's friend had had her fibroids discovered earlier, it is unlikely she would have had to have a full hysterectomy.  And if there were more understanding of how these issues impact on women's lives, maybe there could be more understanding and support from WINZ (in terms of disability allowance and thinking more appropriately in terms of returns to work), and more flexibility within the workplace (in terms of hours/breaks/time off).

If problematic fibroids are usually treated with steroids to reduce size, 

or using laproscopic surgery to remove them.  

I wish there was less focus on getting a Beyonce post baby body and more focus on how our bodies are actually recovering from child birth.  Rather than seeing a colleague gossiped about for going home for work 'just' because of her period, I'd like to see someone check if they are ok, and offer them support in getting help if it's a recurring problem.  I wish we would talk more openly about our prolapses and our weak bladders and our fibroids.  Because the more we share information, the more we educate each other and the stronger we can collectively feel.

*            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            *            

I just want to explain a few things about this post.  I have excluded STI's and cancers because whilst they present differently in men and women, this is an area that is fairly well understood and there are awareness campaigns for both men and women around many of these issues*******.  We learn about breast exams and smear tests and STI's at school.

Like most of my posts which centre around gender, this is not intended to be divisive, it is intended to be educational.  I strongly believe in equality, and often this means taking into account issues that stop the playing field being level - in this case, women's health issues.  Because we do not choose our sex.  And we certainly do not choose the issues that can affect us due to our anatomy.  What we can do is gain better understanding of these issues together so we navigate new ways forward.

In the same way I wish there were better provisions for PPL for Dads, and change tables in mens bathrooms (or at least unisex bathrooms with change tables), I wish these issues were common knowledge, so that women suffering from these conditions have the opportunity to live better lives.

I had three abdominal surgeries during the course of trying to conceive (and deliver) Etta.  

Two of which were life saving.  Following childbirth I suffered dyspareunia 

which had a far bigger impact on my confidence and relationship than losing my baby weight.

* By this I mean overnight stays excluding any minor procedures where I've been in and out in a day.
** The bleed you get on the sugar pills is not a period.  It's just a withdrawal bleed.

*** Varying stats given.  I'd say that 10 percent is likely more accurate given that US estimates of endometriosis sufferers are between 10 - 20%
**** Genesis 3:16: To the woman he said, “I will surely multiply your pain in childbearing; in pain you shall bring forth children. Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you.”
***** A friend was so sick of being unable to orgasm on her contraceptive that she stopped taking it before going on her honeymoon because she just wanted to have a fucking orgasm on her honeymoon.  Can you blame her?  This is how their first child was conceived.

****** Ectopic pregnancy = no IUD allowed (increases incidence of ectopics further).  Family history of mental illness + personal history of mental illness = robo-arm (Jadelle) and the injection are inadvisable.
******* I do wish there was more awareness around testicular cancer, and self checking like breast cancer.