So we got a little extra money, so I ovaried up and booked my restricted license test.
I even managed to go and sit it. And guess what?
It went even worse than I imagined.
Truly. I imagined it not going well, but maybe being ok (and maybe even magically managing to pass it). But that didn't happen.
I didn't even go to the right place for the test! I thought it was at the AA, but it was actually at the testing station up the road. And even though I'd read everything several times over, and had checked the directions and everything I still got that wrong (shows how strongly anxiety can work to sabotage things huh). So before I even arrived I was anxious because I got there 10 minutes later than I was anticipating being there and wasn't sure I'd have my paperwork done in time.
And then the L Plates I'd bought from a $2 shop (cos I'm bad and don't use them usually) started to peel off in the sun! And then I didn't know where the demister was (and was totally not expecting her to ask me where it was) because we always have it set on 'demist' and I just turn it on. And then, because of how the parking works at the testing station, I had to start my test with a reverse hill start in a manual. And I stalled the car. And then I actually almost had a car accident during the test (this is not something that usually happens when I drive the car). But the test was over even before that because I had already failed on points. It was horrible, horrible, horrible.
And I don't want to say 'I told you so' but I did.
How did I know this would happen?
Because I:
a) haven't had any lessons or practice tests (have been too anxious to even turn up to those I've booked so have thrown that money down the drain)
b) hate driving
c) have had such anxiety around the idea of doing this test that I'd delayed doing it for over 15 years.
d) have watched enough horror movies to know that when people are in an extreme state of fear they will do stupid things: ie: run into oncoming traffic to escape a movie monster (which is pretty much exactly what I did during the test)
But I had to do it. I know this is totally the backward way to do something but I had to go to the test to know that I could go to the test before I could make myself invest further in going to do the test.
I know that sounds crazy. It's because it's totally crazy. Anxiety isn't a rational thing.
But it is a real thing. Which is why it's frustrating when you have people constantly saying 'You'll be fine. You'll ace it. It's no big deal' Because whilst you know these people are meaning well and trying to be kind and good and all it's just not realistic.
And maybe it's harder (in a teeny way*) for those of us who don't seem as anxious as others.
I am one of many other humans who (for the most part) is a regularly functioning person with mental health issues. My illness is pretty much completely invisible. So when you tell someone you have it, their inclination seems to be to either not take you seriously, or disbelieve you entirely. And while I'm out and proud and honest online about my crazy, in my daily life I seldom mention it. Because it seems incongruous to my personality for most people, so it's difficult for them to understand. And because it's not a necessary fact to know about me it's just easier not to have this conversation.
On this occasion I did try. At the outset of the test I told my instructor I was very anxious. She told me this was normal. I was like, no seriously, I've been delaying this for 15 years - I'm very anxious. Then, because I seemed fairly calm initially, she was quite shocked when I had a total and absolute sobbing breakdown panic attack in the car following the test. She even said 'You seemed so calm' in spite of me having told her about my chronic anxiety specifically about the test.
She then decided that my anxiety must have been about my failure and was lovely and tried to tell me all the things I did well, and that she'd love for me to resit with her again because I just needed some coaching on some small things, and it would be ok. And she thought I just didn't even know what the test entailed - cos if I had have I would have surely done better (I did know, I just couldn't do all the things cos I was just trying to follow her instructions without crying or vomiting so my attention to detail/mirror checking was definitely shit). But because she was trying to be helpful she didn't get out of the car for ages which - because I was anxious about the situation of the test - was all I needed her to do to be able to calm myself down. So every word she said made my panic attack worse
And then she finally did get out of the car, and Mum came to drive us back (I was in no fit state to drive) and then she came back. She wanted to give me the name of an instructor. And it was horrible, because I know she was just trying to be helpful, like, beyond the call of duty helpful, but I couldn't even deal with her because I just needed for that test, and everything about it, to be over.
So yep. I failed.
But I sat the test.
I actually did something that terrified me more than most things in this world.
Prior to booking the test, I decided that I would give myself a big reward for just going. Because it might not seem like much to anyone else, but to me it's like climbing Everest. So because we had a little extra money I'm doing something I've always wanted to do, and will be booking a shark snorkel at Kelly Tarltons*.
And immediately following my test due to roster changes, and under-staffing, I had a 9 1/2 hour shift at work.** Sounds awful, right? Well, it was tiring, but it was perfect. Because it ensured my panic attack curtailed itself quick smart and I couldn't dwell on that stressful time in the morning. And because it was actually a pretty good day at work, I couldn't even say I'd had a shit day - because it just wasn't true. I had had a hard day, but a very productive day.
Driving = absolutely terrifying. Shark diving = so excited!
I was going to book my shark dive for the day following my test, but thankfully decided to wait a bit. Because the day after I was absolutely exhausted. Massive panic attack plus long shift at work made for chronic 'meh'ness. That absolutely drained feeling. Like, I had no emotions left. Like how you feel after three days crying on the couch after absolute heartbreak. Or in the first week with a new baby. Totally empty.
And I have to do it all over again.
I don't resent this. Sure - I don't want to be doing it again, but I also don't want people who aren't great (or observant) drivers on our roads. So if I didn't make the grade that's ok. I just have to try again. And the best thing about this is that it's a lesson for my kids - who know I hate driving - that we aren't always perfect. And that if we fail we just have to keep trying.
And next time it'll be different. Hopefully. Hopefully with a different result. If not I'll be ok. I know numerous people who've failed at least once - and even know of one person who had to sit seven times to pass. It's not an easy test. And now I've done the awful thing I know I can turn up to a driving lesson to practice for the next test. I know I can do better.**** And because it is no longer the 'unknown', I know that next time I'll be less anxious.
* Because being non- functionally anxious is fucking hard. I mean, I am able to get a license, have a job and (most of the times) leave my own home so I've got things pretty easy in the big picture scheme of things.
** Just a cage dive. We aren't totally rich, but it will still be totally friggin awesome!
*** Not only that, but because I was the only staff available for cover I got a text from my colleague saying she really had to pee so to come to the clearance store to cover her first. Which meant I got to work pretty quick smart.
**** And I will resit with the same instructor if possible. Even though she didn't understand my panic attack she was really lovely and truly did care and genuinely wanted me to pass. And I do appreciate that. (and it'll be another not new element having the same instructor which will help me feel less anxious)
