On a fresh start

It was a tough year last year.  I lost two friends to cancer and had a few unexpected things come up which required some serious lifestyle renovations.

But we got through.  Pretty much intact.  Losing people you care about sucks but there is one positive: it really helps put things in perspective.  Especially when those people have fought through so many barriers to achieve what they did during their own lives.  While I struggled not to be swallowed up by grief for a time I realised neither of my friends would want me to do that*.  They would want me to get out there and live my life and appreciate all that I have in front of me.  I am blessed with the gift of living in this world while they have moved on.

    Recent pic of me - much bigger
than I feel comfortable seeing myself

This realisation helped me to understand that I've been stuck in the quagmire of grief for quite some time.  Ever since my health diagnosis a year and a half ago, I have struggled to make sense of how exactly to manage my life.  And I have used it as an excuse rather than facing my feelings head on.  While yes, I do normal Mum things and have a job and pay the bills I have been using numerous crutches to survive day-to-day.  Namely food and alcohol**.  And it has slowly been killing me.

Being heavier has been killing my confidence.  It is an awful thing to admit when you pride yourself on being a feminist, but I have discovered sadly, just how much of my confidence is tied up in how I look.  I have always been ok with being curvy.  I have pretty much never been a 'skinny' girl.  But I have always been roughly the same give or take a couple of kilos.  The reality is, that when I had this realisation I was about 20kg heavier than I was before I got pregnant with Abby.  And when you are short like me, 20kg is a LOT.

What brought me to this realisation?  Seeing friends get off their butts and do this for themselves.  The good and bad thing about social media is that it allows you a sneak peek into the lives of others.  And while these peeks should always be taken with a grain of salt, sometimes they really are the kick in the behind you need.  Because when pondering how amazing it is that a friend could write an amazing book after surviving brain cancer, you also see friends in the here and now making huge changes in their lives it drives home the fact that you can do it too.

I have lost 6kg since then end of November.  2kg so far this year.  I'm still heavier than I was the last time I attempted to lose weight, but it's still a significant achievement.  Especially given I've achieved most of it through entering a new territory: planned exercise.

Me before having Abby.     
Oh to be this size again!     

I've never been an 'exercise' person.  It's just not my thing.  I'm just not one of those people who thinks it's 'fun' to go for a run or 'hit the gym' or go tramping.  Fun things for me are board games and writing and comedy and cooking and drawing.  While for me some sports are fun (soccer and touch) I am not very good at them and thus anxious about joining a team.  And while I do enjoy being in nature and walking, in truth, the outside world is not my friend.  Bugs love me.  No matter which sunblock I use, the sun will burn me.  Going for a bush walk will result in welts and burns.  The beach is the same.  Summer is not designed for people like me.

I have always loved swimming.  The thing is though when you are uncomfortable with your size, the scarier getting into a pair of togs feels.  While swimming with the kids was once a fairly normal part of our week, once I got to a certain size I made excuses to avoid it.  My endo is playing up.  Etta's just started school.  Everyone is sick.  But truly, most of the time I was uncomfortable chasing my children around with so little to cover me.  But then I saw my friend was doing it.  My cousin was doing it.  My colleague was doing it.  All around me people were sucking it up and putting their bodies in the water no matter their size.  And it was good for them.

So I did too.

Most of my weight loss has come from swimming.  And even before I lost that much a funny thing changed.  I stopped feeling self conscious in my togs.  While I did buy a suit that had a little more coverage, it wasn't the main factor.  I just got used to it.  I realised that I was the only person who cared what I looked like.  People did not stare at me in horror.  I was just one of many bodies of many shapes and sizes going for a swim.

Similarly, my self-consciousness over being 'good' enough to go swimming dissipated over time.  When I started swimming, I was extremely anxious about lane swimming.  I was worried I would be bad.  That others would be annoyed by me being too slow or too clumsy or too anything.  So I mostly waterwalked unless I could be in a lane by myself.  A few months on I no longer care.  I dive straight into a lane and swim.  Just swim, without thinking about what everyone else is thinking about.

When school holidays began, for a time my swimming life was over.  As the primary caregiver of our children, all the time I had free before to swim was now sucked into childcare.  For two weeks I did not swim.  And then I realised (again) that I was just making excuses.  Of course I could still swim! I just had to get creative with time.  Now I swim Wednesday nights once Murray is home from work, Fridays after work, and Sunday afternoons.  I am swimming 3 - 4 kilometers every week.

Gotta love a good spreadsheet!

And I love it.  Not only am I losing weight, but it helps give me space away, not just from the family, but from my thoughts.  Once I've been swimming for about 20 minutes or so I go into a sort of meditative state.  I get into my body and out of my head and actually relax.  This is quite a hard thing for an anxious person to do.  And with the help of my favourite Microsoft program I can track my weight-loss and set myself goals and incentives.  This is fun for me!  Making weight loss fun is just smart!  Today, I hit my first incentive goal - 2kg***.  Which means tonight I get a celebratory teeny vino.

     Me today not feeling as self-conscious

So my goal is to get back to my pre-Abby weight - around 60kg.  But I have set other goals along the way.  I have already reached my goal of being able to fit my clothes more comfortably.  I have reached my fitness goal of being able to swim comfortably for half an hour non-stop.  And in all honesty these goals are more important than the numbers.  If I am healthy, and feel good in my body, then I will be happy.  Basically, if I am between 50 - 66kg I am in the healthy weight range for my age.  If I manage to get to 66kg and feel good, then that will be ok.

I still have a way to go to to get there, but right now I am just focused on enjoying the journey.  I will do my best to keep you updated and who knows?  Maybe I can help someone else feel like they can do it too.

Big thanks to Miriam, Penny, Lashaya, Cass and Jess.  Seriously, you are all fabulous.


*Well, maybe Sam a little.  He was fabulous and liked knowing it.  It would be good for his ego knowing how sad the world is for us without him.

** Not in a classic 'alcoholic' sense, but definitely in a 'having more than is good for your health' sense. 

*** I started my weight loss incentive chart at the beginning of this year

New Year Fresh Start

Happy New Year!

I am not a New Years person. I am generally one who hunkers down and is in bed before midnight and have never been one for resolutions.  But this year I'm doing things differently*.
 

The metoo movement has actually been around for more than ten years now.
It was the Weinstein allegations and Hollywood that popularised it last year.

Last year was a tough year.  I think for most people.  I'm not sure what it was, but it felt like a year of a lot of change.  And I think it was tough because coping with change is tough.   In global ways with the #metoo movement gaining momentum sparking friction in gender politics and in local ways via Grace Millane's murder making more Kiwis aware of our atrocious rates of violence**.

On a personal level 2018 brought many changes too.  It was a year of conflict, and a year where I had
no choice but to learn how to manage conflict differently.  That it's just not possible to please everyone all the time.  That sometimes it is best to just put your energy where it is needed most, where it most resonates with your values.  That choices come at a cost but that cost is necessary.  I learned conflict is part of life and I have to learn to live with it rather than let my fear of it consume me.

Most folk know endo, when I was diagnosed
with adenomyosis I had never heard of it before.

2018 also brought me new health diagnoses which, whilst not a total shock, have been a struggle to come to terms with.  I have been reluctant to make the changes necessary to best manage myself due to no reason other than choosing to prioritise short term happiness over long term wellness.  Whilst I think this is an understandable response, it was certainly not the best response in terms of health.

And when my mental health started to fall by the wayside, an understandable result of processing such big changes, I had to make sacrifices in my art practice to get my health back on track.  This meant opting out putting on an exhibition of recent work.  It was a difficult decision to make, but definitely the best decision***.  In spite of all these changes and health crises I still managed to write one short story a month as I set out to do at the beginning of the year.  And I managed to get one of those stories published.

So while 2018 was a hard year, it was a productive year.  It was a year with a steep learning curve.  It was a year of struggle precisely because it was a year of change.  And change is hard for all of us.  But change is important.  2018 taught me that even though I might not feel like it, I can be quite resistant to change - both positive and negative.  For 2019 to be a better year I need to stop resisting.  I need to start to work within the change.

I am so loving watching these two grow up.   
I want to be here with them as long as possible.

And I need to do that simply.

And quite simply, when I weigh up the importance of all the facets of my life the two most important things are my family and my health.  And without my health, I cannot do what is best for my family.  So this years focus will be my health.  It feels weird not having an art project to work on, but I have to shift my thinking and view my health as one of my projects.

I also have to do this slowly.  I have a tendency to run gung-ho into projects and plans and then lose steam shortly after starting.  This needs to be different.  This needs to be a sustainable plan for life.

So, simply, my plan is this: to put in place three small things every six weeks that will be beneficial to my health.  Six weeks so I can focus on just those things.  Six weeks so I can build a habit and maintain those habits before I begin working on forming new ones.  Six focused weeks of small changes.

To start with I am doing the following:

• Eating a healthier breakfast
• Drinking plenty of water
• Eating 5 + a day every day

These three things may seem small.  But they are three basic things I haven't been maintaining.  I am pretty good with drinking water most of the time, but sometimes I do forget.  I am embarrassed to say my former regular breakfast included cheese**** - not ideal for someone with my current health issues.  And 5+ a day - we should all be eating 5+ a day, right?  Well, I haven't been.  And I LOVE most fruit and vegetables.  I was vegetarian for 12 years.  So I should be managing this no problem.  But I haven't been.  I have always found it hard to snack on fruit due to preparation requirements and mess, and with losing my favorite fruits to the 'shouldn't eat' list post diagnosis I was seldom eating fruit at all.  So all of my veges were crammed into dinner and even then it wouldn't have been 5+ servings most days.

LOVE this yoghurt!

So far I've maintained this change for a week.  I've managed this by doing things I know will work for me.  I changed up my breakfast from GF toast with ridiculous toppings to muesli with probiotic yoghurt and fruit (currently blueberries - thank you Summer!) which also gets me a headstart on the 5+ quota.  To increase my vege intake in other areas I've started making a simple carrot and lentil soup, and when I feel hungry I just have half a cup of that which contains about two servings of veges.  And I have started trying to have an afternoon fruit snack - I am better at doing this when I'm at work.  Just that gives me 4 serves before dinner.

It's a huge change for me.  But by just making little tweaks it's achievable which means it's hopefully a change I can maintain.  It's only been a week but I have managed to do these three small things every day.  And that's because they are just three, simple things.

And I already feel better!  Eating more fruit and veg plus drinking more water has helped me be a bit more regular in the poop department which in turn, takes the pressure of my painful lady organs.

On the tail of a tough 2018, I think making three small changes to better your life is not a bad idea.  It might not be 5+ a day for you, it might be about watching less Netflix or reading more books.  But if you do want to try my delicious carrot soup (because it is super delicious) I have the recipe below for you.  Like the rest of this years plan, it is very simple.

Carrot and Lentil Soup

 
Ingredients:
 1 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp grated fresh ginger
1/2 tsp ground turmeric
A sprinkle of chili flakes
1Tbsp olive oil
300g grated carrot (about 3 large carrots)
3/8 of a cup of lentils (I use red but brown is better on your tummy)
500mls vege stock (I use Massels, vegan and gluten free)
1/4 cup of milk or coconut milk

Directions:
1)  Heat a large pan to a medium high heat.  Add the cumin seeds, turmeric and chili flakes and toast until fragrant (about 1 minute).  Add the oil and ginger and cook a further minute until you can smell the ginger.
2) Add the grated carrots and lentils and stir through until coated in the spice mix.
3) Add the stock and simmer on medium low for about 15 minutes until the lentils are soft.
4) Take off the heat and stir through the milk.  Let cool for about 15 minutes
5) Blend (I use a stick mixer) then season to taste.

This makes about 750mls of soup, so about 6 half cup serves of soup.

*  Not the New Years Eve part.  A last minute invite meant I did attend a party (next door), but due to codeine was drunk after just two large glasses of wine, so went home around 8pm, ate toasted sandwiches and was asleep by 10pm.  Great way to miss out on all the fireworks.

** It still saddens me that a foreign, white, pretty, privileged girl had to die before this happened given that this happens to women here on the reg but hey, if it helps change our culture of violence I'll take it.

*** I was struggling with basic social interactions at that time.  The thought of hosting people that were assessing my work was definitely not something I could have managed well.

**** GF toast with mustard, cheese and cucumber