On Abortion

I have had two abortions.
Not one, but two.

And I don't feel guilty about either one.  Not at all.

I do feel terrified about telling people.  Not people like my Mum - she knew at the time because I trust her because she is awesome.  But it is not a fact about me that is common knowledge.

I have never been dishonest about my abortions - I am a terrible liar.  It's just that it's not something that comes up in conversation very often.  I am nervous about the response I'll get to this post - about the judgment of my peers.  But at the same time I'm confident that those who know me best will understand and love me regardless.   I am not writing this in an attempt to sway people from their personal beliefs - this is a very personal thing which is why it isn't spoken about openly.  I am writing in the hope to educate on how abortion actually works in New Zealand, and why I believe it is important that it is legalised.

This is not comfortable for me to write about, but there have been so many signs this year which made me feel it was time that I did:

Sign 1: When I read that women were actually denied abortions in NZ as in, they still are today. 
Sign 2: Finding out about the smear campaign on Jacinda Ardern which said she supported full term pregnancy abortions*.
Sign 3: Shortland Street - Harper - a prominent ER Dr has an abortion which opens up a discourse on it among her peers.

So I want to introduce some perspective to those for whom this issue has never directly arisen.  I want to talk about my experience with abortion, and my naivety regarding abortion law.  If you are uncomfortable reading my story because of family/proximity/fear of judging me - feel free to read these other real life NZ abortion stories instead.

*              *              *            *              *              *            *              *              *             *

Me at 18 with my flatmates (not sure if they want to be identified, hence face greyness)

I first found out I was pregnant the week I had moved into my first flat and started University.  I fell pregnant to my on again/off again boyfriend of four years (fiance) in between things when I had gone off the pill.  We probably had unprotected sex once.  I should have used protection.  Absolutely.  But in the heat of the moment I just didn't think.  We'd been in a relationship where we'd not needed to use condoms for years so it wasn't at the forefront of our minds.

When I found out I was floored.  I was 18.  I had no maternal inclinations nor any desire to have children.  I told my flatmates and the Dad straight away and tried to do the right thing.  I took the Dad out for a 'talk' about our options, because even though I had already decided an abortion was the best option for me, I wanted to know how he felt.  Because it was fair.  He desperately wanted the abortion.  He had just started a new relationship** and wanted minimal complications.

His mother opened a private letter I had sent him about the abortion (we didn't do the email thing back in the year 2000).  She told her son that if we aborted this baby she would move to Australia to be with one of her daughters because there was no reason for her to stay here***.  She cried.  She told us that this was a baby conceived in love and that it was a sign we should get back together.

We both agreed it wasn't.  And she did not move to Australia.

Despite his promises to come to appointments, he was unreliable due to pressure from his new partner.  I'm pretty sure one of my wonderful flatmates came to my first scan.  I can't remember who came to the second.  But he did come for the 'main event'.

This is not the guy.  This is some guy from Thames.

Similar to Greenlane man in that he is old and white

and telling women what to do with their bodies.

Here's what happens in an abortion in NZ:
Step 1: You confirm you are pregnant at the Doctors
Step 2: You say you totally want an abortion and get a referral
Step 3: You have a scan to confirm how pregnant you are.
Step 4: You have two psych consults - one with a Dr and one with a nurse, to be sure you truly want an abortion and are not acting under duress.
Step 5: You wait.  You have to fucking wait until the sweet spot between 12 - 13 weeks in which they are happy to perform an abortion because (apparently) it is the best time to do it as the tissue is large enough that it should come away easily.  Because it has graduated from embryo to foetus.
Step 6: You go to Grafton Hospital where you pass the same old man protesting abortion every day.  They confirm who you are, and that you have a lift home and they give you a pill to help get things started then you wait in a room with other women doing the same thing until it's time.
Step 7: You have the actual abortion
Step 8: You hope that it's worked and that you are not broken.
Step 9: You go for a six week check up with your GP to confirm you are not in fact broken or get fixed up if you are.
 
Here is what I remember about the actual abortion:

They inject your cervix with a relaxant - this part didn't really hurt.  Then they basically scrape out the uterus.  I am sure they give you pain relief, but it was probably just codeine as I was not spacey and felt the whole procedure.  They offered me gas.  I learned at that moment that gas is not for me - it gave me hiccups and made me feel light headed.  I rejected the gas.  I focused my attention to a butterfly sticker on the ceiling.  I think someone - likely a nurse - understood that a focal point was helpful to those of us lying down there.

He (the Dad) did not even text me to check if I was ok after the abortion.

I was in fact not ok after the abortion.  I was mentally sound - it was the right decision and I had no regrets****.  But I did manage to be one of the lucky 5% who got a pelvic infection post termination.  I followed the instructions so caught it as soon as was reasonably possible.  The antibiotics I was on gave me rectal bleeding.  It wasn't great.  But I wasn't pregnant and could keep living my life.

*              *              *            *              *              *            *              *              *
Would I have had my art featured in Black Magazine had I not had a termination?

The second time I decided to have an abortion was much harder.

It was 6 years later and I was most of the way through my design degree.  The circumstances by which I fell pregnant were not dissimilar to the first - on again off again - off pill, stupid idiot mistake.  Pregnant.  In this instance me and the Dad were back together.  And I absolutely loved him to bits.

He thought abortion was the only option.  I still was a non-maternal person with no inclination toward babies and my mental health at the time was not so great.  He was just starting his career post Uni and also not at all keen on kids.  It was a no-brainer.

I didn't want to tell my Mum.  I felt so much guilt.  My situation was different to the stereotype knocked-up-teen-best-option scenario.  I didn't feel she would understand but I told her anyway.  And truthfully, she didn't.  She was not upset with me, but she did try and manipulate me into wanting to keep the baby.

I know that Mum meant the best.  And now I am a Mum I have some understanding of her position.  But at the time, it was less than helpful.  Both me and the Dad were very certain if we kept the baby his parents would view it as me trapping him.  And he did tell them about the pregnancy, so this wasn't supposition.  They were not bad people, but our relationship had not been the most stable and they were looking out for their son.  I felt keeping this baby would mean the end of our relationship, and this would not be good for our potential offspring.  And I didn't want to end the relationship.

The specifics of that termination are much blurrier than the first.  I think it was because I was in a safer space, with good support from my (then) partner.  It is less memorable, because it was less traumatic.

*              *              *            *              *              *            *              *              *

Why are these stories important?

Because they are true.

Ria Vandervis who plays Harper - not her fault about the shit storyline.

Watching the Shortland Street plotline annoyed me in that it just showed the fallout - it was ingenuine about the actual process.  These days they do conduct non-surgical abortions in early term pregnancies ie: they administer the drug and send people home to miscarry in the comfort of their own home.  But given that Harper suffered sepsis following her abortion it's more likely her character was supposed to have had a surgical termination - in which case she would have had to be 12 - 13 weeks pregnant which was possible but unlikely given her pregnancy timeline.

It annoyed me because whilst emotions were the focus, like other TV shows the implication was that abortion is a quick fix.  That you can just go 'I'd like one abortion please sir' and bang!  Bye bye baby.  That's not how it works.  The actual procedure is not the hardest thing about having an abortion.  It's the waiting to have an abortion.  You have to sit in your decision while you carry a potential life inside you.

And I didn't know that some people get rejected from having abortions.  Given my two were sorted with little difficulty, and I know others in the same boat as me it never occurred to me that they could say no.  Yes, I sat through the psych evaluations - but I just thought it was some weird part of the protocol.  I truthfully didn't even realise that abortion was still illegal in New Zealand after having had two abortions.

Coathangers should not be used to perform abortions

I cannot imagine my life had someone said 'no' to either of my abortions.  I can guess at what I would have done next.  I would likely have done what women did - and still do - in countries where abortions are not legal.  First, I would have tried to do it myself, then I might seek the help of a friend - possibly one with more medical knowledge than me - possibly just someone handy with a coathanger.  This is how desperate I would have felt.  I imagine that of the hundreds of women denied abortions last year because they were deemed 'not justified' a large number would have felt exactly how I would.  It's just not right.

Why did I not consider adopting out?  We have had babies adopted into and out of our family over a few generations.  And as a consequence I was told from young that babies would no longer be adopted out of our family.  I knew that if I fell pregnant and wanted to opt for adoption, I would have to whāngai the baby to someone in my extended family - or face the disappointment or rejection of my family.  I couldn't do that.  I couldn't live with having a child from my body raised within reach by someone else.  And I couldn't live without my family.

I think my decision to be an egg donor was due in part to my experience with my terminations.  It wasn't that I felt guilt over them and needed to redeem myself, it was that (at the time) I desperately did not want to be a parent.  I empathised with the position of people who desperately wanted to be parents.  Because I understood the desperation.  And because I had found myself knocked up accidentally on more than one occasion, I assumed I had the goods to help others.  Turned out I did - I'm exceptionally fertile.  And while the donation didn't result in a baby, I am still so glad I gave a couple a chance to fulfill their dream.

Me, ready for kids with my kids

Has being a Mum changed how I feel about termination?  Kinda.  I don't regret my terminations at all - I wouldn't have the family I have today had I not had them.  I cannot predict the trajectory of my life if I had, but I think it's unlikely I would have received the education I have, met the people I have or had the experiences I have if I'd had a child unsupported at age 18.

Obviously, the not wanting to have kids thing changed over time (short story = Murray wanted kids and I love Murray). At the same time the idea of having a termination now is problematic.  My family is definitely complete, but I don't know what I'd do if I fell pregnant.  If I could have a medical termination at 6 weeks, I wouldn't even think twice.  But having to wait to 12 - 13 weeks whilst growing that life while I live each day with what that little life could become?  I'm not so sure.

What I am sure of though, is that abortion should be a legal option for women to decide about for themselves.

* A cousins Facebook friend completely swallowed this fact (church).  I was happy to re-educate him on the 'facts' although he still was not happy that Ardern advocated abortion being legal.
** He did actually marry that girl.
*** Even though she still had two daughters, a son and five Grandchildren living in the Auckland area.
**** I never have any regrets.  I don't believe regret is a healthy response because it requires dwelling on the past.  What I do believe in instead is making mistakes.  I think of them as mis-takes - as in you are making a film, and you didn't get the first take right so you have to do over.  Sometimes you get it sorted on the second take, and sometimes it takes 42 takes to get the right shot.  The main point is that you learn from what happened the first time and move forward.

Some Things People In Poverty Don't Have

I have a sort of hangover from growing up in poverty.  Consequently, there are things people who grew up in other socioeconomic climes expect to be normal for a household that will not be normal for ours.  It's hard to place value on things if you've managed your entire life without them.

I do not think my list will be consistent with other poverty stricken homes - we were just a bit poor.  But I think it might be an interesting insight nonetheless and was inspired by a fantastic article I read yesterday.

1) Tissues
I have never lived with tissues.  Never ever.  I even felt resentful recently buying tissues for Kindy when a tissue donation was asked for (but I did it anyway because those kids are germ bags and we can afford to donate more easily than some other Kindy families).  What is wrong with using toilet paper?  If you come to my house and ask for a tissue and then look dismayed when I say I don't have any, please don't be offended if I flick you a bit of stink eye.  I have offered you paper of a marginally different quality.  You can still wipe your nose with it.  I offered to help with your nose leakage.  I am a good hostess.

The same goes for paper towels.  I have to admit, recently I did start buying paper towels because they are quite handy for some things - especially now we have kids, but I cannot say I don't look at them and see them as a reminder in my class shift.  Even if they are Budget brand.

2) Icecream
We don't carry icecream.  We never had icecream growing up unless we were visiting Grandma Thompson's house.  Then we'd have a slice from a cardboard box of vanilla icecream after lunch as was her tradition.  And we did have it on special occasions.  The no icecream thing wasn't just a money thing - it was a living-in-an-isolated place thing.  Like, it would melt by the time we got home so it was pretty pointless buying it.

When I was a teenager, a while after my parents separated, we were slightly better off financially.  Mum would buy icecream (neopolitan) - I think it was to make up for our less privileged childhood - but it would sit in the freezer uneaten until it went icy.  Well, sometimes the chocolate would get eaten but not the rest.  The thing was that we were so unused to having it that it felt weird to have it so we would forget we had it, or feel strange about having it.  Icecream was just stressful.

Today, we don't usually* have icecream in the freezer because we have a tiny freezer which needs to accommodate other more important items - like frozen meals and sausages (now that I've bred minions that eat mostly sausages).  And because it does still kinda stress me out.

3) Oranges, grapes and berries                                    Gooseberry gathering

I think this may still resonate with maybe the older generations.  I used to just have oranges at Christmas.  I'd get one in my Christmas stocking and it was a treat.  Consequently, I think I'm programmed to see oranges as a rich person food and something only for special occasions.  I like oranges.  I don't think they're the best fruit around, but they are nice and refreshing and enjoyable.  Our house has an orange tree.  It produces pretty good oranges.  I STILL struggle to eat them.

And grapes and berries** were totally the realm of the rich.  We only had them at parties hosted by other people and for fear of eating too many and being reprimanded I just left them alone.  I struggle to eat grapes now (I actually hate the texture of their skins and pips), but berries have come a little easier.

This has been aided by my decision to start a berry patch.  After realising they grew well under the orange tree, and seeing how much our kids enjoyed picking them (as I also did as I child) I thought this a marvelous plan.  It currently homes cape gooseberries, blueberries and a thornless boysenberry, and we've JUST put in strawberries - so will hopefully have a berryful Summer.  We can do this though because we are lucky to be home owners and live somewhere with good soil.

4) Any green vegetable we didn't grow ourselves
Apart from frozen peas (which I despised).  Otherwise we just had silverbeet and in Summertime sometimes beans.  I don't think I had broccoli until I was a teenager.  Or spinach.  I adore both.  I still won't buy either unless they hit a magical price number I have stashed in my brain.  If it's on special I will buy extra for my Mum.

The plus side of this is that as a grown up I have a garden abundant with simple greens - silverbeet, spinach and kale.  And instead of icecream our freezer teams with blitzed silverbeet - handy for making lasagne, ravioli and saag aloo.  And free and nutritious.

Our silverbeet and kale (today)

5) Store bought biscuits
This will have been a combination of having not a lot of money, and also being country folk who grew up in the women-bake-for-the-shearing-gang kind of mentality.  Mum made bread, scones, pikelets, peanut brownies, louise slice, albert slice, ginger slice, animal biscuits (my childhood favorite - chocolate with a hint of spice) and rice bubble squares.

We had no need for such things as bought biscuits.  I felt pretty spoilt.  Shop biscuits were reserved for times of year like Christmas, where someone in the family would no doubt gift us one of those Sampler boxes and we'd argue over who got the biscuits with real chocolate on them.

6) Chicken
Are you fucking kidding me?  That shit was expensive!  Besides sausages and mince, I don't think we really bought meat.  We just got whatever we were allowed from the farm.  And a few times we kept our own pigs, so had pork and bacon and stuff.  But chicken was for fancy people because they came from the shops.  Because if you've ever eaten one of your hand raised chickens you will know that they taste very different to what comes from Tegal.  And not in a good way.

The teeny tiny primary school I mostly went to.  Lots of happy memories in the library here.

7) School trips & Extra curricula activities
Kids at my school went to swimming lessons.  They studied piano and gymnastics and dance.  Living in an isolated area on a limited income meant this was just not possible for our family.  My extra-curricula time was spent in the school library reading or playing computer games or writing kiddy novellas whilst Mum cleaned the school (she was the cleaner).  When a brownie troop started up locally though, I was allowed to go!  This was a definite highlight of my childhood.  I felt very lucky.  There were still no local extra-curricula activities for the boys in our area.

We didn't miss every school trip.  But we couldn't afford to go on the bigger ones.  The senior school at my teeny tiny primary school went to the Whakapapa ski fields one year.  I couldn't go.  I was not alone, but there were only a few of us who couldn't (it was a high decile school).  Things like this fed into the thinking that we were different to our peers - those shared experiences that we missed out on.

I have still never been to the snow.  Truthfully though, I don't think I'd like it.  I suspect it's very cold.

*           *            *            *           *            *            *           *            *            *           *


So these are the things I remember.  I had a pretty good childhood, and would have actually been relatively unaware of most of the things my parents struggled with.  We also didn't often eat out, or have sweets, or have takeaways - but this hasn't really seemed to impact on my psyche too much.  I remember that food was harder to come by when Dad took a break from farming for a bit (no free farm meat) and our diet shifted significantly.  We were lucky that my parents often worked in jobs where they got food on the side - orchards, market gardens and the local venison farm Game Meats.

Mum and I have talked about this quite a bit.  And I think it would be helpful to contrast my list with some of the things she finds hard to afford now living alone on a benefit today.  I have summarised a little as her list was understandably long. 

1) Choice
When you are poor, you have less choice.  It doesn't matter how ethical you are, or wish to be - there is no way you can afford things like eco-products or free range eggs or olive oil.  You can never afford to buy premium brands because every cent counts and is counted.  Mum usually cooks a family size meal and eats the same thing for dinner 3 - 4 nights in a row as she has little freezer space to store meals.  It is boring, but it is the most affordable way to eat nutritious and filling meals. 

And if you are tired and don't want to cook, you can't just get takeaways or go to a restaurant because it's just not financially feasible.  As a treat Mum will sometimes get some hot chips, but that's about it.

Hot chips are a treat

2) Technology
Internet, smartphones, Freeview - these are all things Mum doesn't have that most of us take for granted.  We tried to help get her set up with Freeview - bought a Freeview box and a newer TV (she had an old style boxy one) and a super aerial thing, but because of where she lives - still no Freeview.  It costs about $300 to have a proper aerial installed which she can't afford - and we can't afford to do for her either - especially because it's for a rental property that she may have to leave at any given time.

And internet... To use this at home, she needs a smartphone as this is the only affordable way she could manage it.  Mum can't afford to buy a smartphone.  Yes, these days you can get them for $40 - but this is still $40 she does not have, and is double the price of a non smart-phone.  And yes, you can get a basic Skinny package for $16 per month which includes 1GB of rollover data - but that's still $4 less per week to spend on food.  This is still out of reach for lots of people.  Yes, Mum can access the internet at her local library (and does).  This is not remotely the same as having internet on hand 24/7.

3) Snacks
It is hard enough to afford meals let alone things to eat in between.  You just have to eat less.  Mum doesn't eat breakfast either (although to be fair, I can never remember her eating breakfast - might be something similar to me and oranges).  And even though we live in a country which grows some amazing produce, fruit is unaffordable - especially outside of the peak harvest seasons of Summer and Autumn.  So while this should be a good snacking option, it's just not easy to do for half of the year.

4) Cleaning, sanitary and skin care products
When you have a teeny wee food budget, buying things that are non-food can cut out a lot of money you could use on veges or bread.  Mum also has a citrus allergy, so can't buy a lot of the cheaper cleaners or even basic hair care products because they are lemon, grapefruit or lime based and cause her skin to peel off and give her a hayfever type reaction.  She doesn't have to buy fancy ones, but just regular priced cleaners are usually at least $4, which is still unaffordable.

And moisturiser?  Even the cheap one that we use (which is Olay for sensitive skin) costs about $12 a bottle.  And even if that bottle lasts for ages, you still have to come up with the $12 in the first place.  Which might mean buying no eggs or cheese for two weeks (which is Mum's main source of protein as she is vegetarian).

5) Money for leisure
It is hard to have hobbies, because most of them cost money.  Mum can't afford to go swimming let alone join a gym. Even baking biscuits costs extra - especially with the cost of butter these days.  She cannot go 'get her hair or her nails did' - she can't afford haircuts at all.  Same goes for shopping for new clothes.  She cannot afford to travel - even locally - because petrol is expensive.  Mum can barely afford craft supplies from $2 shops to make things at home with***.

6) Prescriptions and Pet care
Mum has a permanent disability but is not on a sickness benefit because they no longer exist (they have been absorbed into the 'jobseekers benefit').  And even though she has had three failed surgeries (and one upcoming), her GP will not sign her off onto an invalids benefit even though simple things - like walking - can be difficult for her on bad pain days.

Because she has no dependents, in order to be eligible for the prescription subsidy, she needs to get 20 prescriptions per year for herself.  This is $100 worth of prescriptions - and that's just if the medications are already subsidised.  This is on top of GP costs.  Sometimes she cannot afford to fill her scripts and has to wait, in pain, until she can afford to.  This is not uncommon for people on benefits.

Pets are important for our well-being        

Equally, taking her cat to the vets is very difficult.  Vet bills are expensive and unpredictable (we spent over $3000 on a rabbit who was then euthanised...)  I do not feel it is fair to say poor people cannot have pets.  Mum lives alone.  Humans need comfort from other animals.  Remember Maslows monkeys?  Having pets is now thought to promote longevity in humans and more and more hospitals and rest-homes now use pet therapy.  When life is hard, a little warmth is important.

7) Electricity and water
Speaking of warmth, Winter is especially hard because it is cold.  Mum is aware of how much power costs, so uses it sparsely, which means she doesn't use a heater even though her home is cold and uninsulated.  The same goes for water.  Washing is done sparingly and showers are minimal.

*           *            *            *           *            *            *           *            *            *           *            *           
So yep.  It's a pretty grim picture, and Mum's current concerns make my childhood ones appear silly.  The truth is that our cost of living has skyrocketed, and benefits and incomes have not kept up.

Whilst there has been much debate about this number (and I'm going with the version from before the current government changed their parameters) 290,000 children currently live below the poverty line in NZ.  This number The poverty they experience will be well beyond that I experienced growing up - likely much harder than what Mum experiences.  She only does ok because she has support**** from her family. 

There is a massive chunk of our society who do not get to experience the kind of lives many of us take for granted as 'normal'.  And as inequality grows due to numerous factors, the future of these children, and their families seems bleak.

I am 36 and I still can't eat oranges.                                       Oranges on our tree
Something needs to change.


* Sometimes we do because Murray likes to make icecream with the kids.  Because we are lucky and can sometimes afford fancy icecream ingredients like cream and eggs.

**Besides blackberries, which in the 80's grew abundantly unsprayed on many a roadside and were delicious. 

*** Mum's free leisure activity is reading books and getting out documentaries from the library (which are also free).  She also does the book run for her local rest home and spends time with the residents there.  And she helps me with the kids once a week and (when well enough) Grandma with her garden.  In spite of having little financial wealth, Mum is an extremely giving person.

**** Mum is extremely grateful to receive varying forms of support from her family.  I am extremely grateful to our family too, as the support we can offer Mum is there -  but it is more limited than what would be ideal.

Hannah's Voting Guide (unbiased, promise) PLEASE VOTE

This is a simple post and plea:
Please vote.  Please have your say.

If you are as yet unenrolled - it is not too late!  You can enroll at advanced voting booths and you don't even need to bring in your ID - just your name and address.  You can't enroll on election day (I thought you could, but you can't) - but you can up until that day.  And if you do need to go and enroll - you may as well just vote then and there.  There are hardly any lines and it's pretty straight forward.

You do not need your easy vote card to vote - it is just like it sounds - it makes it easier to vote.  You also do not have to vote in the electorate you are enrolled in - you can vote anywhere.  You can even vote from overseas if you are already enrolled.

You can find more information on how to vote here.  And you can find your nearest voting booth here.  If you have a disability and it is hard - find more info on how to vote here.  But I promise you, for most of us it's not hard and most people should be able to vote fairly easily.  If you have no transport, maybe talk to friends and neighbours who live close by and all go and vote together.  And if you know someone in this position that you can help out - help them have their say - bring them to vote with you.

If you think for any reason you can't vote on election day (this Saturday) just go vote early.  High possibility of a hangover, you're going to be at the beach, you're going to be stuck with kids and no transport (like me) - just vote early.  If you have health issues, or anxiety about crowds - vote early.  There are very few people, few queues and it's not scary I promise (I voted on Friday).

I've spoken to numerous people who choose not to vote and the main issues I've heard are:
a) They don't feel qualified to vote
b) They feel their vote won't make a difference
c) They feel all political parties represent the same things.

If you are over 18 and are a New Zealander, then you are qualified to vote.  If more people vote, the more accurate our representative democracy can be.  If only wealthy, educated people vote, then the interests of wealthy, educated people will be what is most represented in parliament.  Your vote is important no matter your background.  It is important precisely because it represents you and what is important to you.

And your single vote can determine who is in government.  More people didn't vote in the last election than voted for the party which won the election (National).  Consequently, had those people voted we could have had a very different election outcome.  We have had many very close elections, and we have also had many recounts in electorates because there were just a few votes separating the two top MPs.  This happened in my electorate during the last election between Hone Harawira and Kelvin Davis.  During the first count there were only 16 votes difference between them.  And this is in a pretty big electorate.  My single vote truly counted. 

All political parties don't stand for the same things.  If you don't want to read or know more than you already do, here are the simplest ways of thinking about your vote:

- Are you happy with the current direction of the country?  If so, vote National.  If not, vote Labour.
- If you are in favor of more social services - vote Labour.  If you are in favor of lower income tax - vote National.
- If you like Bill English as our Prime Minister - vote National.  If you like Jacinda Ardern- vote Labour.
- If you dislike both Labour and National immensely just vote for whichever minority party you like most.

Jacinda vs Bill - FIGHT!

Then either people vote to match your party vote, or if you know your candidates, just vote for who you like the most.  Inversely, if you strongly dislike a candidate then vote for the MP of the party most likely to have a chance against them - so if you are in Upper Harbour and hate Paula Bennett just vote for the Labour candidate - whoever that is (it's Jin An)

There are also a multitude of calculators you can use to answer questions and get a run down on which parties values align most closely to yours.  On The Fence is a good one which doesn't ask too many questions, and asks questions which relate specifically to NZ.  Vote Compass is a more indepth quiz and a bit more generic to world politics.  Either is helpful though if you are feeling really lost.

If money is your bottom line then it is worth checking out the income calculators of the major parties.  Basically, if you are a lower income family, Labour will most likely be most beneficial to you.  If you are a higher income family, or have a good income and/or no children, National will most likely be most beneficial to you.*  It's totally worth checking both calculators because there are a few different factors here.

Cleaning up our waterways is one of my personal priorities.

 My feeling about voting is that you should vote for a party that best represents what is important to you.  You can compare policy very easily this election using this awesome app on The Spinoff.  If you are unsure of who to vote for, pick something important to you and compare policy on  The Spinoff app.  This can be where the minority parties come in.  For me personally, social equality, education and the environment are important to me.  So I have party voted Green.  I have a colleague who is strongly anti-immigration.  She will be party voting NZ First. 

The only issue with voting for minority parties is that in order to get into parliament, parties need to have at least 5% of the vote.  So if you are voting for a minority party that is not very popular, chances are that they might not get in and their votes will be essentially absorbed by the bigger winning party.  At this stage the only minorities looking likely to get through are Green and NZ First - but it doesn't mean that the other minorities won't.  And it is your vote, and you can choose to put it where you like.  This is the entire point of democracy.

When it comes to tactical voting ie: voting for what will most likely change/not change** the government I say you just consider this.  What is more important to you?  Is it more important that the government stays the same or changes?  Or is it more important you give voice to the party that most represents your interests?  It's the same with your people vote.  Would you rather vote for the person you like the most?  Or would you rather prevent the person you like least getting in to parliament?  Because it is going to be a very close election this year, you might tactically vote where in other years you haven't.  You might not.

Here is a poll.  Just to think about.  Feel free to ignore it.

The only thing I would say is to please don't worry too much about polls!  How they are carried out has a huge affect on their accuracy.  For instance, polls carried out via landline are only going to represent a small subsection of society - usually older, wealthier people (poor folk can't afford land lines, young folk don't usually feel like they need them) so these are inherently biased.  The truth is, we won't know what is going to happen for sure until the day.  If the polls are freaking you out - just vote from the heart and try not to overthink things. 

The point of all this is that it's up to you!  You are important.  And once every three years you get the chance to influence the direction of your country.  Government influences/determines everything including how much money you have in your pocket, how easy it is to go to the Drs, or how our criminal justice system works.  These things directly effect you, and this is the time you get to have a say on it.  Your voice is important.

*             *            *            *             *            *             *             *            *           

If none of this helped at all and you still think voting is silly and you don't want to read further - just vote based on this image:

 Truthfully though, I don't know why Ned Flanders isn't the Conservative guy.  
I guess cos he's too nice to represent Colin Craig.

And if you have more time on your hands to vote at random, why not play this informative fighting game and vote based on which character is best at handling transport in a crisis.  Or just who has the most badass depiction.

Not only can you vote for whoever you want - you can choose how you decide who to vote for in whatever way you like.

But please, vote.

* Our financial situation is such that there is very little financial difference whether we choose National or Labour (literally $1 better off a week under National).  So if you are in a similar boat to us, it is better to look at broader financial factors, like health care costs, education costs, extra taxes.  Or just forget about the money and look at another area that is important to you.

** Party Vote Labour or Greens for change, or Party Vote National to keep the status quo.

On sexism and the election

I cried when she stood down.  I was heartbroken.

Other people have written about this far eloquently than I, with better researched arguments and more politico savvy.  But someone said something to me the other day which made me feel like I had more to add.  So I may just be reiterating things you already know, and things you've read about before.  But regardless, I need to say it.

Never in my lifetime has NZd's political sexism been as transparent as it is in the lead up to this election.

Well, maybe it has.  Maybe it's just the first time we've had strong female leaders at the helm for a while.  Regardless of why, it is a phenomenon which makes me feel physically ill.

In the lead up to this election we have seen three party leaders use tax payers money in a fraudulent manner.  For one of whom, the fraud was historical and self-admitted.  For the other two the fraud happened whilst they were in parliament, and was uncovered by researchers or the media.  Two of these party leaders are still leaders running in this election.  Neither of these leaders outed themselves about the fraud and one of these leaders is the current Prime Minister of New Zealand.

The one who is no longer a leader has also been strongly nominated as the 2017 New Zealander of the Year.  And whilst stepping down as leader was entirely Metiria's choice - it was understandable given the immense pressure she and her family were under following her admission.  Whilst the media pursued the other leaders too, the ferocity with which they came after Metiria was jaw dropping with some calling for her resignation.  While both Bill English and Winston Peters paid back the money they had appropriated whilst in government, their public admonishments were not nearly as strong as that received by Turei even though their fraud was committed whilst they were in government and earning a decent income.

Why is this?

I postulate there are three parts to it.  The first part is that New Zealanders love to hate beneficiaries.  This is bolstered by the current governments constant painting of them as criminal fraudsters living it up large on the tax payer dollar.  It is easy to kick those that are already down, so even though benefit fraud only accounts for a small proportion of other types of fraud in NZ (like tax avoidance) beneficiaries are relentlessly hounded by the MSD and the media.*  So even though Turei's fraud was historical and circumstantial she was 'one of them' and needed to be taken down.

The second part to this is that like many women do, Metiria chose to put her family before her work.  Whilst the majority of her party were in support of her staying and staying would have been more powerful in terms of the argument she was trying to make, she put the needs of her family (namely her elderly mother) first.  It is difficult for me to see either Bill English or Winston Peters feeling the imperative to make the same choice.  And truthfully, I think it's because they're pākehā (or pākehā valued) men.  Whilst both are parents, and probably also someones kids, they don't have the same direct responsibilities as Metiria as a solo parent or as a Māori woman.

I don't know the stats.  My evidence is mostly anecdotal (but there are papers on it so it's obviously a thing) and based on my understanding of Te Ao Māori and experiences.  But overwhelmingly, I have seen women of colour - especially Māori and Pasifika women - to have different responsibilities than pākehā women.  They are often directly responsible for the care of other family members - siblings, parents, Grandchildren, cousins, nephews and nieces.  And if not directly responsible, they often still have a level of responsibility for care within the whanau - driving elderly relatives to hospital appointments, or financially supporting extended family members. 

These are not responsibilities easily understood by pākehā.

I think the third factor in Metiria's treatment is that she is not just a woman, but a Māori woman.  Whilst pākehā do also care for extended family directly or financially (this is the case within my own family), it is the exception rather than the rule.  Whanaungatanga is an important part of te ao Māori - so caregiving is a cultural expectation.  Metiria has lived with responsibilities misaligned with pākehā values and a strongly pākehā government.  This is part of who she is.  And this has been interpreted negatively because of her admission of benefit fraud, which was (again) done to aid her family.

I do not think she intentionally martyred herself for her people.  There were a lot of factors in her downfall, but from my perspective the biggest factor by far is that her experience as a woman, a caregiver and a mother, is not one often pitched from parliament.  Hearing a woman's experience - in particular a struggling Māori woman's perspective, is confusing.  Because we do not hear it often enough.  Because women's experiences are largely not valued by our government.

So that's half of it.

Jacinda Ardern: A New Hope? 

Now lets talk about Jacinda.

I don't even know where to start.  Do I start with the fact that her clothing choices are questioned in a way male political leaders aren't?  Or the fact that someone decided that her choices regarding procreation were a political issue?  Or the fact that  a prominent business man thought it acceptable to describe her as a 'pretty little thing'?  These are just the superficial issues.

The things regarding Jacinda that have irked me the most have been less obvious, and are things that as a woman she probably has dealt with her entire life.  The first of which is mansplaining.

This is probably just a personal bugbear.  Men do it to me all the time - including my partner** and I fucking hate it.  This makes me feel that my intelligence, experience and personhood has been written off in an instant purely because of my gender.  And it sucks!  I'm an educated, intelligent woman who reads extensively and has worked broadly.  And watching a woman of Jacinda's quick wit, education and experience have basic statistics and political concepts mansplained to her debate after debate is sickening.

If she were Colin Craig, she would have probably sued someone over it.

Watching Bill English and Mike Hosking talk over the top of her has been hard.  When I voiced this to Murray during the first debate he said 'English is just better at talking through them'.  I thought about it, and truthfully he was right.  He is better.  And I wondered why she wasn't being more forceful in the debate.  But it made me wonder what would happen if Jacinda applied the same approach as English: would we see her as better at getting her point across and leading an argument?  Or would she be perceived as a mouthy bitch?  Given the events that have happened in the lead up to this election, after serious thought I think her conservative approach is sensible.

This is the thing about women in politics - it is impossible for them not to be aware of their gender in every little thing they do.  Because they are judged to a different set of standards than your male counterparts.

Watching the debates I have to admit, I perceived Jacinda to be weak.  I appreciated that she has a moral high ground she didn't want to tread on as other politicians do regularly, but I didn't think she was strong enough.  Every time she waited politely for Bill to finish, every time she used the words 'please' and 'thankyou' and acknowledged her fellow MPs for the valuable work they were doing, I cringed internally.  I saw this as a consequence of her having lived as a woman, and having to kowtow to men on a regular basis.

But after serious thought I've realised this is not the case.  Jacinda is just smart.  She understands public perception.  She's just seen another woman get crucified for her womanhood.  Jacinda is gaming it.

Which brings me to why I felt the need to write this.

I was talking to a colleague about the election, and who we were planning on voting for.  And she said to me 'I'm voting Labour, because then maybe we'll have a woman PM.'  She went on to tell me that she knew this was probably sexist, but after what happened to Metiria she was just tired of seeing women getting beaten down.  I was appreciative of her honesty, but must admit I was shocked.

But I thought about it, like really thought about what she said and I actually totally agree.  I am sick of the boys club.

 I miss Aunty Helen...                           

I am saddened that we had nine years of a wonderful female Prime Minister (who kept our books in surplus incidentally), but we are still back to debating what colour Jacinda will wear to a debate.  We should be better by now.  I mean, there's been a smear campaign that Jacinda supports 'full term abortion' - and people have believed it***.  Seriously.  It's all a bit ridiculous.

So fuck it.  I'm going to say it.  Let's vote for a female PM.  Or if not, lets vote for parties that at least support us**** as women.  We should be waaaay past the 'you need to vote, women fought hard for your right, blah blah blah' rhetoric.  We need to vote.  And we need to vote for people who actually represent our rights as women.

Because this boys club does not have our best interests at hard.  And it has got to go.

Basic breakdown- best party for broadly addressing women's rights is The Green Party, 
and the Maori Party also have some great ideas.  

The worst parties are Act and NZ First.

* Just FYI - I have been audited for benefit fraud before.  I have very seldom received any money from the MSD - just at two periods of time in my life - both for under a year - and both due to breaks in my mental health affecting my ability to work.  Whilst I hadn't committed any fraud to my knowledge, I was terrified that I may have done so accidentally.  None of this is particularly helpful for someone who is unable to work due to suffering from chronic anxiety.

** Sorry Murray, but it's true.  There will definitely be an element of me misconceiving some things as 'mansplaining' that are regular explaining - but when you've been mansplained to your entire life it is difficult not to feel touchy when people get patronising on your arse - especially about things like mechanics of a board game that I statistically win as much as you (and you know the stats).  I don't think you're trying to be an arse, and I love you.

*** Man do I live in a bubble!  I had no idea this was going on until someone posted about it as a comment on my cousin's Facebook page.  I didn't even know this was happening, let alone that someone would believe it.  It's totally just copying the Religious Right's treatment of Hillary during the lead up to the US election.  And people still believe it.  What is happening is that Labour is in support of decriminalising abortion - not that it's ok to terminate pregnancies after 37 weeks...  This is my next blog topic right here.  Truly.  I'm pissed right now.

**** You're not an 'us' you're a dude?  Woman's rights are still in your best interests.  Just read/watch this or one of many other great articles or videos on it if you haven't been schooled on it already.

On becoming middle class

So this is an awkward conversation topic.

It's not the done thing to talk about how you use money or your financial position.  It's not what polite society does  But I think we have to.  Because when we don't, it can create a big gap in peoples understanding of how wealth accumulation works.  And it means we don't talk about the feelings we associate with financial wealth (or lack thereof) and how it affects us.  Because it's uncomfortable.  But not talking about this stuff doesn't help anyone.

I grew up in a working poor family.  I cannot remember a long period of time where both of my parents were unemployed.  I know it happened from time to time as things were always harder then, but usually there was work.  We lived itinerantly.  Whilst I was lucky to only attend four Primary schools and two high schools (the second by choice) I did move house 14 times in the first 14 years of my life.

Whilst we were poor - and I knew we were poor because we couldn't go on some school trips or have Christmases like my cousins - I didn't feel deprived.  There were times when we were hungry, but they were few because my parents supplemented our diet by hunting, fishing and gardening.  And rural living meant we were often paid in meat - a half a beast or a hoggart would last the family for a long time.  We had clothes as we got hand me downs from cousins, and until I was 12 years old I had no idea that clothing had any social relevance.

Since childhood I can remember a strong desire to rectify my financial position.  I believed I could do better than my parents, and I think this had a lot to do with knowing people who lived differently to us, and not being disparaged for thinking differently.  Later on, this opened doors for me in terms of understanding I could further my education.  Whilst I never had any desire to be wealthy, I did always crave stability in the form of my own home.

The standard mythology would be that I changed my position through foresight and hard work.

But that's just not true.

Me at the only exhibition where all my work sold (knitted she-wees)
Yes, I did get an education.  But I got a design degree and majored in painting, and fine arts is not exactly renowned for its ability to pay the bills.  And while I am good with money thanks to high school accounting classes and screwing up as an 18 year old, I have never been that great at getting my hands on it.  I never made marketable art.  I've struggled to value my own skills.  I've never enjoyed working full time as I've always needed time and brain space to create.


Basically, I only changed my position through luck and 'marrying up'.

This was not a conscious choice.  Studying at tertiary level meant mixing with folk from a different economic background from myself.  Yes, there were people like me studying, but in truth - we were the minority.  All but one (the high school boyfriend) of my serious relationships were with people from a different financial background to myself.  It wasn't rocket science to predict I would end up hitched to someone similar.

Cos she ain't nothing but a gold-digger (not actually...)

How did Murray's background help us?  Well aside from the fact he had some money in trust from his parents he miraculously hadn't spent yet, it meant he had some fiscal skills I didn't.  His parents owned two businesses and a rental property so he knew how grown up stuff like businesses and real estate worked (kinda).  He had insurance.  More importantly, he understood insurance.  He had a reliable vehicle.  He worked his way up through a workplace over a period of time and earned a decent wage*. 

I didn't understand how any of these things worked.  Most people I knew couldn't afford to get their vehicles warranted as soon as it run out, let alone keep them in good working order.  And I never had insurance.  Of any kind.  I couldn't afford it.  I didn't know many people that did and I am still getting my head around how it works.  Once we were 'Civilised', Murray's parents even got us in touch with a financial planner.  My knowledge of how money worked was that if you had some you spent it on something cool and then traded that thing in for something cooler when the novelty wore off.

This was a foreign and terrifying world.

I like to think Murray and I forged some sort of balance.  He had some knowledge, but he had no personal savings.  He had never felt the need to save for anything as he was a man of simple needs and always earned enough to meet them.  I was great at saving and goal setting, and having mostly lived on lower incomes am quite good at stretching money.  I have approached the financial nous of his family with caution but it has definitely helped us be more financially savvy.

Me and Murray at our new home in Sunnyvale

And how did we manage to buy a house in Auckland?  Luck and timing.  We spent nearly a year looking for the right house for us, which meant that when we did buy we had really thought about what we needed in terms of our house, location and how much we could afford to spend.  And if we had have tried to get into the market just 6 months later we couldn't have.  As it was, with our savings, Murray's trust and my Kiwisaver we could JUST scrape through on a low equity loan.  So without the money from Murray's parents we couldn't have done it.  With the increase in deposit required (20%) and the increase in housing prices we would have been like many people I know - locked out.

Buying a house has made things financially easier for us 5 years down the track.  Buying a reasonably priced house combined with low interest rates means that even if I combine our mortgage repayments and rates we pay at least $50 less a week than the average rental rate for a house of our size in the area we live in.

Why do I think it's important I tell you this stuff?  Because I am sick of hearing this rhetoric:

'I worked hard for what I've got'.

This may well be true.  X person may well have worked themselves up from the bottom of the heap doing 70 hour weeks in the coal mines and eating only bananas and wearing the same holey shoes for ten years.  But this does not mean that Y person didn't work equally hard and sacrifice just as much and end up with nothing.

Do we have what we have because we worked hard?  Eh, kinda.  We did plan and we made some sacrifices and held down full time jobs and put money away and moved to the suburbs, sure.  But do I know people that work harder than us and have less?  Definitely.  Things can work in our favour that we take for granted - like job stability, housing markets, our health and having family with fiscal knowledge.

I get really annoyed by the implication that people who have little do not work hard and make poor decisions.  I have previously blogged about how things are set up to benefit those who have more.  People with little have to fight to just survive the daily bills, and then just when they feel they're making headway - BANG!  Someone gets sick or the washing machine breaks down.  It is no surprise that when there's a little money available it gets spent on something that brings a glimmer of happiness into the gloom.

And things are set up to disadvantage those with less.  Renting means less stability and less control over the quality of your home.  This may make it less easy to stay in the same job and garner the titles and payrises a more stable person might - or make it more expensive to get to work.  It also contributes to higher rates of illness and more sick days.  Inability to pay for things on time means paying extra: late payment fees, fines for no WOF, fines for no license.  Attempts to increase your revenue - like getting another job - mean you incur secondary tax - the most unfair tax of all.

I am smiling even though I work full time for minimum wage.
Because I work in retail.
It all seems pretty unfair.

And this unfairness makes me uncomfortable.  I am totally aware that we are in the position we are due to Murray's family being financially stable and a bit of luck.  And I am also aware of how easy it would be to end up less lucky.  Consequently, I'd love it if we could level the playing fields by making it a little easier on those with less, and maybe a little tougher on those with more.  The best way I feel I can work toward changing this, is by voting for politicians who understand this dichotomy, and who seek to rectify it.

I'm guessing that most of the people who read my blog are friends and whanau with a similar outlook to me.  But the other important thing I have to say (which you friends and whanau may disagree with) is that people who think differently to us are not the bad guy.  Thinking this is the case is easier - sure, but it's not necessarily true.  We probably feel how we do based on the evidence of our own lives, or the lives of people we know.  This is probably the same for them.  For those people who have succeeded, and only have friends who have enjoyed similar success, it will be hard to believe you can work hard and not reap any benefits.  Because they haven't seen it.

It's like expecting someone to believe the boogey man is real by just telling them so.
This doesn't make them arseholes.  It makes them ignorant.

We can show them all the stats and figures and Tedtalks we can muster and they might believe us, but it's just as likely that they won't.  Because they don't see it, and it doesn't affect them, and they will be able to find some statistics somewhere that back their position.  In fact, it works to their benefit if they pretend it doesn't exist (that is arseholey, but they are possibly not even aware of it).  But creating an 'us' and 'them' mentality doesn't really help anyone.

So how can we change things?  We can change how we use our money.  We can stop buying rental properties or playing the property market to our personal financial betterment to make it easier for wanna be homeowners to get a look in.  We can do our best to help our friends and whanau if they are less fortunate then ourselves, in ways that are welcome.  We can invest in small, local businesses or in our friends business ideas.  We can vote for parties that will change taxation and other policy to help level the playing field.  And we can talk openly about our experiences.

*Shortly after we met I was actually earning more than him as an online advertising editor, but the partnership of the company I was working for collapsed amidst accusations of fraud and I ended up taking the owner to mediation as he refused to back pay me monies owed for when I was working outside my contract (and a new contract had been negotiated).  Then the recession hit, so I was unable to get another job working at the same level I had done previously.  Luck huh?

Ideas around parenting kids like Etta

I wanted to write up a little summary on what I've learned through the last few years being Etta's parent.  These are just simple things that seem to be working for us.

1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up.  You are the parent.  You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else.  Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day.  Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about.  This may be right.  It also may not be.  Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner.  They are not specialists.  They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology.  In fact, it most likely isn't.

If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary.  Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you.  Reach out on social networks.  Connect with people and information until something clicks.  Then follow that lead.  The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not.  But you won't know unless you pursue it.

2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty 
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue.  Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents.  They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this.  Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically.  Some kids are trying to establish boundaries.  Some kids are just trying to get your attention.

Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you.  They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing.  They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue.  They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household).  They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.

Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does.  What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers.  For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this.  It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.

Etta having a tantrum roadside - we got through it together (eventually)

3) Follow Your Child's Lead
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody.  I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues.  This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out.  This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place.  It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity.  Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.

Sometimes this is not possible.  Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible.  Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them.  This is life.  The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.

Uhh, not my kid...

4) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin.  For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food.  I love food!  I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills.  I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love.  But none of this is helpful to Etta.  Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough.  She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.

Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her.  At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head.  And they are not as important as Etta.  Because they are not real.  Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food?  Yes.  But so does she.  It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat.  She is scared of trying most new things.  So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.

The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego.  I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals.  I feel like others judge me because I don't.  The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta.  And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does).  Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.

At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too!  I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens).  And that completely changed.  The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet.  And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.

It might  not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else.  But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.

5) Try to Forge A Balance
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me.  When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things?  What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling.  What kind of day has she had?  Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset?  How hard is this thing for her to do?  If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.

The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead.  Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things.  And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this.  Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her.  When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).

Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you.  Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home.  I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...).  Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train.  Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked.  This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.

 The Circle of Security - truly a useful tool in understanding what kids need from their parents/caregivers.

Many of us struggle finding the balance between protecting them and allowing them to explore.

6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared.  My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me.  It isn't always easy to follow up on it though.  Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside.  Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...).  In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.

Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important.  We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared.  We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes.  I don't like driving.  Nana is scared of mice.  This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too.  When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is.  Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her.  And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.

Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid.  And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.

7) Aim to be 'Good Enough'                                                    Me as I am - no filter - an actual human parent

Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal.  But being good enough is totally doable.  When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards.  If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things?  While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.

This can be especially hard for some of us.  Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism.  And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves.  Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids.  We want to present our best selves.  We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times.  But this is not showing the reality of our situation.  And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.

For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means).  It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that  I actually just forgot because I'm tired.  It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it).  In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes.  This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.

8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be.  Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child?  These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe.  Parenting any child is hard.  It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting.  Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher.  We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family.  It might be making friends with your next door neighbours.  It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup.  It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community.  These are all valid means of building your own village.

Making food at Bellyful                   

If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there.  If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health.  If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer.  Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression.  Reach out.  Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be.  There are places that offer respite and childcare for free.  There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit.  But if you don't look, you won't find it.  We cannot do this parenting thing alone.

9) Be Kind 
Be kind to yourself.  Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it).  They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them.  Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things.  Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment.  These feelings are normal.  You are not a bad parent.  And tomorrow is another day.

Be kind to your family.  Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions.  Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids.  They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.

These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.

Etta on the same day as her tantrum pictured earlier.  She was upset because she needed 'Mama time' (and because she wanted a rock that I wouldn't let her have.  She didn't get the rock, but she did get 'Mama time').  This is what happened when I could meet her needs.


* Just need to make clear I am not vegan.  I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets.  Also, veges are DELICIOUS.