On Taking Time Out

I go on holiday alone once a year.  I have done for the last three years.

My hotel room door from this years trip.

I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary act.  But after my most recent alone-time holiday I was reminded how odd this idea seems to many people.  Most Mums I spoke to about it reacted with surprise or envy*.  And while I guess I only know one other person who does this, so I know it isn't that common, I still find the reaction really sad.  Sad for us as Mums.  Sad for our whole society.  Sad that the world we live in doesn't think that it's normal for us to want or need a break.  That as women, taking time out from our family for ourselves is still a somewhat shocking idea.

And it's sad because of the double standard.  Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it.  The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same.  I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male.  This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family.  He expected me to agree with him.  I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong.  This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent.  It's just sad.

When I was last catching planes before
I took time out for myself....      

I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray.  He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament.  I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment.  It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods.  But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy.  It had to become a reality.

And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't.  Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing.  At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project.  Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human.  But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult.  Having some space away from the family would help. 

But more importantly, I was sleep deprived.  I was touched out.  I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself.  When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work.  Or with friends or family.  Or with Murray.  I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health.  So I decided I would go on a holiday too.

The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it.  I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy.  I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta.  I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night.  I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return.  I was set.

The finished Suburban Birds Zine

And while the plan was to take the laptop down and work on drawing and writing for Suburban Birds, the bigger picture was simply to spend time doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had kids.  So I went out for breakfast.  I went to galleries and museums.  I read books.  I watched a crappy comedy at the cinemas.  I caught up with friends and played board games at Counter Culture.  I drank more than two glasses of wine without feeling guilty about it.  It was amazing.

And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok.  That first year I had genuine concerns.  The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***).  I phoned home more than I needed to.  But Abby coped, and Etta did too.  Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.

So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.

This year has been tough for me.  There's been difficult family stuff.  I've had friends pass away.  I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health.  This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it.  So I rethought things.  I simplified.  And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need.  So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.

And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.

I saved up my Paypal survey rewards for a holiday facial and massage

After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget.  After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday.  I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers.  Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.

A robin I saw on Tiri.  So cute!

Holidaying close to home was truly brilliant.  There are so many things I used to do locally that I just don't do now I have kids.  There were things I'd forgotten I could do.  I discovered a world of possibilities that are literally on my doorstep.  I went to a friends 40th where I knew (almost) no-one and had a wonderful time meeting new people.  I took a day trip to Tiritiri Matangi - a place I've never been before - and it was just magical.  I went to bed at 9pm and actually slept.  Having time and space to just do things that I wanted to do helped me discover things that I think my family might also like to do.

I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege.  I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips.  But the point of writing this isn't about showing off.  I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.

And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us.  Maybe not so many days away.  But if it's possible to have just one night away.  If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night.  If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night.  Just imagine the possibilities!  You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself.  You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself.  The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.

Because you deserve it!  Us Mum's, we all deserve it.  If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates.  Or if you're more inclined, by yourself.  If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too.  If going away overnight is too hard that's ok.  Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie.  The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure.  You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you.  You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.

Everyone deserves this.  Your family deserves this.



* In a good way

** I breastfed Abby until she was over three.  It was never intentional.  I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months).  The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.

*** I could never pump.  My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me.  Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away.  Neither of those things happened.  I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...

**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive.  If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal.  I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).

Why I Work in Retail

Recent positive results toward achieving living wage in this sector have highlighted the level of this industry's pay inequity.  This makes the questions about why I choose to do what I do seem more pertinent than ever.  I  know the pay sucks.  But my peers, not always.  And while I've answered this question countless times on countless occasions, nothing I say seems to quite capture why I choose to work in this notoriously low paid industry.

Fresh faced for Video Ezy

I have almost always worked in customer service or retail in some form or other.  At high school I worked in our local garden centre cafe.  At University, I worked in a call centre (this 'crap job' turned into my first 'real job').  Whilst at Unitec I worked in a winery and Indian restaurant, then afterward at a specialty art supplies store and video shop.  When the recession hit and the 'real job' I had fell apart, retail welcomed me back.  And when my store management job dissolved whilst I was on maternity leave, I returned to work for a previous employer in - you guessed it - retail.

Retail work has always been there for me.  Retail work has always been a safe place for me.

While no-one ever says it, there's a reason why I'm asked so often why I work in retail.  There's a snobbery around it.  An assumption that retail is not a proper job, and as an educated, intelligent person I should want more.  As if I'm some sort of oddity underselling myself.  But the reality is that I'm not an outlier.  Retail is full of educated, intelligent men and women*.  And we're expected to want more.  More challenges, more opportunity to progress our careers, more recognition and more money.  And while I would love, and certainly deserve more money for what I do**, the truth is that for me retail meets those other needs, and more.

Me, working retail whilst pregnant,
featured in an article in the NZ Herald.
This was rewarding, challenging retail work.

I am challenged in my job and learn new things every single day.  Working where, and as I do requires nothing if not versatility.  While my primary role is serving customers, doing this well requires a broad skill set.  Communication skills, computer skills, basic mathematics, problem solving and conflict management are just a few.  I never know one day to the next whether I will need to become an expert on the mechanics of vacuums or if I'll be building a shelving unit.  I never feel bored at work.

And I am recognised.  Not just by my managers and my peers***, as someone who works hard, but by those that I serve.  While in retail we are often faced with uncomfortable or confronting situations with customers, but the majority of the time we are faced with kindness.  I have been told 'God bless you.' twice in the past week.  I am thanked from the heart by strangers every day.

Beaks, the beloved TY toucan  

 

And in turn I have a job where I feel I can impact the lives of others.  Yes, my primary role is selling products, but the best way to do that is to forge real connections.  And this is what drives me in my work.  I've seen a kid literally jump with glee when I found the specific TY toy (which wasn't on the shop floor) she desperately wanted for her Mum's birthday.  I've given a young new Mum advice on how to manage her obvious mastitis without spending more than she had on one of our breast-pumps****.  I've shared my struggles around having a kid with sensory issues with other Mums in the same boat.  I use my position in retail to forge connections and help others feel less alone.

Because the truth is that even though often we are surrounded with people, many of us are lonely.  We live in a country where many people don't have family close by.  We live in a country where societal expectations often do not gel with who we are.  We also live in a country where prejudice is a real problem, and this further alienates those communities with less support.  Kindness and connection is an essential part of disrupting that prejudice. 

While I can post meme's on Facebook 10 times a day about kindness and compassion, really, it's just words.  And these words do not go far.  Not far beyond my circle of friends and family, not crossing barriers of language or poverty.  At work I can smile at every person I see.  I can empathise with others struggles.  I can show kindness by sharing something of myself to help others*****.  And when I encounter anger or prejudice I can do my best to dismantle it using calmness and kindness.  This costs me nothing, and gives me so much back in return.  And I get paid to do it.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         *          *          *         

A sparrow from my left-handed bird drawing series

The other side of this is that I have a job that I can leave at work.  I cannot do my work from home.  I seldom get home and worry about work.  And that's important because I need to be present for my kids.  And I want to be present to pursue my other work.  Having a creative practice is like having a second job.  Regardless of what form it takes, or how much money it makes, this is work.  And this work is always on my mind.  Whatever project I'm working on lives within me.  Having a job that I can leave at work gives me space to live my life as a creative and a Mum.

This not only gives me a great sense of joy, but allows me to share this equilibrium with our kids.  Etta knows you can be a Mum, and have a job and be a writer.  She knows you can have exhibitions at home and make money from your art.  And she knows you have to work hard to do these things.  Through my creative practice our kids see that things don't always work out how you'd like, that what's important is to keep trying.  Sometimes Mum gets published, sometimes she doesn't.  But she keeps working, and trying to be better at doing what she loves.  And it shows them that while they are my world, my world is more than them.  And this makes their worlds bigger too.
    

I've always wanted to be on a game show!             
So glad we could show our kids our dreams can become a reality.

And working retail gives me time.  Part time, stable jobs that can work around having kids are difficult to come by.  Unless you work retail.  Here, I am blessed with a job that allows me to participate in the world and contribute to home finances, without compromising my need to be home.  And because I work so close to home, and in an understanding team (many of whom are also parents) if something goes wrong with the kids I can be there for them.

I know this is not possible for all working Mum's, and I am thankful to be in the position where I can have some flexibility.  As someone with diagnosed health, and mental health issues I need that time.  While I am a high functioning anxious person with endometriosis and adenomyosis, I am functional because have a lot of downtime.  I need adequate rest to manage my pain levels.  I need adequate rest to calm my busy brain.  And I need to be functional not just for my family, but for myself.

Because I've got shit to do!  I've got plans.  And while some of those plans involve creative ventures, and forging connection with others, another part of that is positive role-modeling for our kids.  I don't want them to believe that life is purely about work.  That amassing wealth is what they should strive for.  I want them to see the world is full of possibilities.  And if I can show them I can realise my dreams, this gives them the capacity to believe in their own potential to do so.

And this is made possible for me because I have flexibility in my work.  Because I work where I do.  And my job allows me to model the most important thing of all.  As Abby would say (it's Kindy's current whakatauki): Manaaki ki te katoa - Be kind to all.

Makyla Curtis, Renee Liang and me - the production team from The Kitchen

* But mostly women.

** I believe everyone deserves The Living Wage.  I am excited about the changes union action is bringing to the retail sector.

*** I cannot stress enough that not all retail work is amazing and flexible.  I have been very lucky in this respect.  I have managed to work for, and with amazing people, and my current work is no different.  The reason I am happy staying where I am, in spite of the pay is because of the team I work with.  Our managers lead by example.  Our merchandisers work their butts off (quite literally.  Lifting microwaves and boxes of sheets and plates and racks of clothing is not light work).  Our sales assistants are mostly like me - they care about people.  Their drivers for work, I suspect, are not so different from mine.  Our store is diverse which not only makes me lucky in the shared lunches department, but in learning about different cultures.  I work in a place where, for the most part, I feel appreciated and loved.  And I know this is not something that happens in every workplace.

**** Hand- expressing in a hot shower (she didn't even know you could hand-express), cabbage leaves, and if she has a temp get straight to her GP.

***** And I can merchandise the dolls section so that it's more reflective of the community I live in (more curvy, POC dolls in the front, less blonde barbies)

On Having Amazing Mum Friends

I have some amazing Mum friends.

I have Mum friends that keep their houses tidy.

I have Mum friends that also have successful careers.

I have Mum friends that run marathons.

I have Mum friends with amazing hair.

I have Mum friends that are work and write amazing plays.

I have Mum friends who still create and exhibit art in galleries 

I have Mum friends that write award nominated books. 

                Andra, I think you're amazing

I have Mum friends that have no family close by.

 

I have Single Mum friends.

And while I love my family and life, it is a daily struggle not to compare myself with my many  successful Mum friends.

 

I am not sure if this is a thing that Mums from creative backgrounds struggle with more intently than regular Mums.  But I think not.  I think most Mums probably compare themselves in some ways with others.  And while I'm sure this has always been the case (how does Mrs Jones get her nappies so white?), I also think the advent of social media has exacerbated the ways in which we compare ourselves.

How do they get their nappies so white?  Maybe sunshine?

Because now we have an insight into our Mum friends kids lunchboxes, holidays, meal plans, work-life balance and how fine they're looking post baby-belly.

And it's tough.

At the moment my house is a shambles.  The rubbish bins need to be emptied.  The fridge and freezers need to be cleaned out.  The bathroom needs a general scrub and the kids rooms are both atrocious.  I did clean my bedroom this week - the state it was in was starting to impact on my sleep.  I am embarrassed to have my Mum over and fearful that - post recent surgery - she will tidy up while Abby and I nap (she did, by the way).

The house looks like shit but look! I drew this bird.

There are a multitude of reasons for this mess.  The main one being that I am working on my Suburban Birds project to get it set for the zine to launch in a few weeks.  And Abby's started waking more overnight and starts her day at 5am.  And I have been quite unwell this week and struggling to do anything.  And I have pre-schoolers who, bless their wee souls, leave a path of destruction in their wake.  So I tend to focus on the necessary cleaning (pee, poo, washing, dishes) and leave the rest.

But somehow in a few weeks, the parts of the house that will be seen will be clean enough, my zine will be complete* and my exhibition will be hung.  And even though this is the first time I've exhibited work since I've had kids, or written anything that's been (self)published, and even though my Christmas shopping is still not done, the garden has gone to pot and the floor in the kitchen still needs replacing I am sure I will have some Mum friends that will think 'How does she manage this when she's a Mum?'

Ahhh, my beautiful jelly.                 

What you can't see here is that it didn't set properly.

We need to remember that people clean up before we visit them.  That the biscuits they've given us aren't necessarily the first batch, and that some people have childcare available.  We need to remember that what we're seeing and comparing ourselves with is only what is presented to us - it's just a tiny snippet of someone else's life.  And on social media these snippets are edited and selected to put our best face forward.

When we compare ourselves to others we are often missing most of the picture.  We usually don't know how much people earn, their family circumstances, their expectations, their experience.  We don't know how much support people have, how healthy they are, if they have cleaners or nannies or family support.  We may know some of these things - particularly of our close friends - but it's unlikely we have the full picture most of the time.

It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I simply need more sleep to be functional than some people I know**.  Consequently, I have less productive hours in the day to work with.  Rather than feeling guilty or comparing myself to people with different circumstances, I should focus on what I am doing with the hours I have.  And to remember there are people who need more sleep that have even less time than me.

Check out this photo of a pigeon!  
Don't look in my kitchen...

And because I am embarrassed by the shambolic aspects of my life I, like many others, only post the images that project the image of myself, or my family, that I want people to see.  We have to realise that while we're busy coveting some aspect of another amazing Mums life, someone is likely coveting yours.

We are all amazing Mums*** in some form or another.  Rather than coveting those other amazing Mums we should revel in the amazing things we have, the amazing things we do and the amazing people we are.  Because within the context of our own lives - these snippeted highlights - even if they may seem small in the context of the larger world - are still extraordinary.


* It will not be perfect, but it will exist as a physical object in the world.

** I am pretty sure this is from when I had undiagnosed Glandular Fever in my early 20's as this seems to be when it started.  My immunity is awesome - I am seldom sick - so long as I get enough rest.  It's not a crazy amount - just 7 to 8 hours of quality sleep - but difficult to achieve with kids and intermittent insomnia.  I note this sleep thing because I know some people I know feel like 4 to 5 hours is ample.  And I kinda envy them.

*** You may not be someone's Mum exactly, but I'm sure you will Mum someone (colleagues, parents, guinea pigs).  And even if you don't - pretty sure this thing probably applies to most people.  Aside from those who think they are better than everyone.
 

Ideas around parenting kids like Etta

I wanted to write up a little summary on what I've learned through the last few years being Etta's parent.  These are just simple things that seem to be working for us.

1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up.  You are the parent.  You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else.  Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day.  Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about.  This may be right.  It also may not be.  Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner.  They are not specialists.  They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology.  In fact, it most likely isn't.

If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary.  Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you.  Reach out on social networks.  Connect with people and information until something clicks.  Then follow that lead.  The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not.  But you won't know unless you pursue it.

2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty 
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue.  Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents.  They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this.  Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically.  Some kids are trying to establish boundaries.  Some kids are just trying to get your attention.

Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you.  They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing.  They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue.  They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household).  They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.

Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does.  What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers.  For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this.  It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.

Etta having a tantrum roadside - we got through it together (eventually)

3) Follow Your Child's Lead
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody.  I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues.  This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out.  This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place.  It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity.  Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.

Sometimes this is not possible.  Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible.  Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them.  This is life.  The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.

Uhh, not my kid...

4) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin.  For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food.  I love food!  I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills.  I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love.  But none of this is helpful to Etta.  Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough.  She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.

Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her.  At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head.  And they are not as important as Etta.  Because they are not real.  Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food?  Yes.  But so does she.  It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat.  She is scared of trying most new things.  So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.

The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego.  I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals.  I feel like others judge me because I don't.  The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta.  And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does).  Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.

At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too!  I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens).  And that completely changed.  The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet.  And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.

It might  not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else.  But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.

5) Try to Forge A Balance
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me.  When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things?  What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling.  What kind of day has she had?  Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset?  How hard is this thing for her to do?  If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.

The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead.  Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things.  And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this.  Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her.  When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).

Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you.  Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home.  I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...).  Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train.  Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked.  This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.

 The Circle of Security - truly a useful tool in understanding what kids need from their parents/caregivers.

Many of us struggle finding the balance between protecting them and allowing them to explore.

6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared.  My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me.  It isn't always easy to follow up on it though.  Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside.  Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...).  In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.

Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important.  We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared.  We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes.  I don't like driving.  Nana is scared of mice.  This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too.  When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is.  Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her.  And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.

Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid.  And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.

7) Aim to be 'Good Enough'                                                    Me as I am - no filter - an actual human parent

Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal.  But being good enough is totally doable.  When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards.  If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things?  While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.

This can be especially hard for some of us.  Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism.  And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves.  Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids.  We want to present our best selves.  We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times.  But this is not showing the reality of our situation.  And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.

For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means).  It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that  I actually just forgot because I'm tired.  It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it).  In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes.  This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.

8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be.  Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child?  These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe.  Parenting any child is hard.  It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting.  Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher.  We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family.  It might be making friends with your next door neighbours.  It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup.  It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community.  These are all valid means of building your own village.

Making food at Bellyful                   

If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there.  If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health.  If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer.  Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression.  Reach out.  Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be.  There are places that offer respite and childcare for free.  There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit.  But if you don't look, you won't find it.  We cannot do this parenting thing alone.

9) Be Kind 
Be kind to yourself.  Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it).  They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them.  Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things.  Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment.  These feelings are normal.  You are not a bad parent.  And tomorrow is another day.

Be kind to your family.  Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions.  Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids.  They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.

These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.

Etta on the same day as her tantrum pictured earlier.  She was upset because she needed 'Mama time' (and because she wanted a rock that I wouldn't let her have.  She didn't get the rock, but she did get 'Mama time').  This is what happened when I could meet her needs.


* Just need to make clear I am not vegan.  I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets.  Also, veges are DELICIOUS.
 

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 3

So then we were back to where we had kinda started - with Indigo to have Etta assessed for giftedness.

This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant. 

To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this.  While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok.  Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.

We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues.  Not the best way to start an hour long assessment!  But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books.  And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.

Questions were on flash cards, and looked a little like this

It was basically an IQ test for little people which looked at memory, language skills and spacial understanding.  And whilst carrying out the assessment the psychologist was looking at indicators of other issues - motor skills, verbalisation, empathy et al.  Etta enjoyed the areas of the test she was good at - but got very frustrated attempting the things she struggled with, even refusing to participate in certain activities.

I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*.  Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average.  The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at.  So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.

Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues.  She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations.  Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills.  And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.

The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.

*          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *        

I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT.  I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might.  One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy.  This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children.  She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT.  That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary  The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.***  Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.

Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do.  And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago.  This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.

One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids.  In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids.  Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different.  So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways.  Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.

The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course.  I felt like I had literally come full circle.

Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time.  She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there.  In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure.  Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down.  So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.

The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious.  It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine.  It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation.  And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!

A few weeks ago Etta desperately needed some 'Mama time', so I organised for Murray's parents to take Abby for a few hours so we could have some time together.  Because she loved playing mini golf in Rarotonga we decided to go to the mini-golf place in New Lynn for a special outing.  This was a bad call on my part.  The moving and talking characters terrified her.  We were the only people there, so the operator offered to turn them all off.  It took me a while to calm her down, but I persevered.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to calm down and experience something I knew she would enjoy.  We managed to play about five holes and she was quite happy.  Then she saw a troll and it was all over.  I carried her screaming and hitting out of the mini-golf course.

This was difficult.  Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things.  And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun.  And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior.  But I understood it.  Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta.  We played at the playground.  We went to the library.  (We went to McDonalds...)

And we talked about our feelings.  I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing.  She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary.  But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger.  When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.

These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations.  These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it.  In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen.  But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.

*          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *

Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons.  I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill).  Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth.  But today, she decided to confront her fear.  When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face.  I am so proud of her.

We are making progress.



* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.

** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga.  We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes).  Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme.  In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.

*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls.  Honestly.  I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise.  And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot.  And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed.  I am not proud, but this is the truth.

**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy.  I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home.  Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences.  Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community.  Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.

Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy.  Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 2

And apparently smarts often go hand in hand with other things.  Smart kids will always try to push the boundaries.  Because they're smart they are naturally curious so will question everything.  Often kids that have a lot of skills in one area will struggle with another, and because of anxiety around failing focus on what they're good at.  This will be why some smart kids avoid social situations, or physical activities.  Gifted kids are often developmentally imbalanced.  At the extreme you have kids who are 'twice gifted' - kids who are smart, but have other issues, like ASD or dyspraxia.

After reading all this I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Maybe I wasn't just a terrible parent?  Regardless, Etta still needed support.

Einstein didn't talk until he was four.

At this point in time Etta was not quite four.  I know it sounds like I'm being a crazy, overprotective Mum, but hey, I'm anxious and truthfully, her behavior was out there.  Her tantrums dictated whether we could even leave the house.  She once went into a spin about leaving the park and ran out onto the road (I had to leave Abby with a stranger and run)*.  And she wasn't being naughty - she was literally terrified and overwrought by emotions.  Any attempts at direct intervention was wood on the flames so having other people 'attempt' to help only made her tantrums last longer.  With another small child in the house, this was just not a feasible (or fun) way to live long term.

And it was frustrating.  Because not only was it eating into the family's time, but into hers.  This prevented her from being able to do lots of the regular things that kids her age do: zoo trips, visits to friends, actually just playing with her toys.  I could see her childhood slipping away in terrifying tantrums that sapped her energy and stopped her from engaging with the world.

And in just over a year Etta would be starting school.  If she did have additional needs it would be in everyone's best interests - hers especially - if we could get an understanding of these before she started school.  Because big picture - her needs might indicate to us that we need to enrol her in a different school than initially planned.

Murray was keen on taking her to the GP and going from there.  With my vast personal experience with GP's and what our public health system is capable of, I thought this would put us into an unproductive loop.  Like most things, unless someone's behaviors are problematic on a larger scale, they are just written off as 'normal' at this level, and especially at this age.

So I did my own research.  The first place I called was Marinoto - which is the children's mental health unit at Waitakere Hospital.  Having dealt with the hospital for my own health, and being in my locale, I thought it a good start.  Unfortunately, they were unable to help in terms of assessments but at least were very clear about this from the outset.  So then I looked into help through private specialists in the area of gifted children.

While I felt I was jumping the gun in terms of diagnosing her, I didn't feel much like I had a choice.  Her behaviors and attitudes exactly matched those in the book I had just read.  But did I think she was a genuis?  No.  She did start talking very early - around 8 months.  She had a developed sense of humour before she was 18 months old.  And she memorised most of her books and would read them back to us before she was two.  So we did know she was smart.  But genius?

The common theme with info on gifted kids seems to be really boring images

I read up on the net and found Indigo.  Their tagline is 'Assessment and counseling for individuals who connect with the world differently'.  This statement in itself made me feel confident I was headed in the right direction.  Now as someone with social anxiety, making phone calls is not really my strong point.  So after a garbled conversation with the receptionist about crazy behaviors and road safety she told me someone would call me back.  She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to help us either.

Someone did call back though.

They also were not sure if they could be of help.  But they did tell me about someone who might be.  Links is a two bit organisation** that helps link families of kids with behavioral issues with the right support.  It sounded like exactly what we needed.

Now you have to understand that we did all of this outside of public health - this meant it was not exactly cheap.  But Etta needed help (our family needed help), and I didn't know how else to provide it, so as far as I was concerned this was necessary.  I am just saying this to precursor folks going 'OMG!  I need this too!' then finding them and getting freaked about the cost.  It is a little expensive.  But at this point we believed it to be a necessary expense.

So we booked a time.  This was a big deal as they needed to meet both me and Murray to accurately assess us, our home and Etta, so Murray took time off work.  It was a two part operation with one (the child psychologist) spending about an hour with Etta, while the other one interviewed Murray and I about Etta, our relationships, and our main concerns.  This tag-team approach meant they had a fuller picture of what exactly was needed (and seeing kids away from their parents makes it easier to assess the kids).

Truthfully, I did not like the woman who did our side of the assessment.  She seemed to have some kind of God complex and was totally self involved.  But she was apt.  And she was honest.  And while I didn't like her personally, I did think that she did a good job.  Both her and her partner (who was lovely) concurred that Etta was most likely gifted.  They also did not think she had ASD but picked up that she did have sensory issues.

I did not know what sensory issues actually meant.
I did see that Etta had issues with sounds, light and textures - but because society so strongly links this to ASD I hadn't got past that roadblock.  Sensory issues occur when the brain has trouble processing the information it receives from the senses.  Etta's tantrums were her way of managing her brain overloading on information.  This is why any verbal or physical attempt to stop them exacerbated things.  Conversely, this is why her comfort thing was her snuggly.  When feeling scared she could self calm by twisting the wool between her fingers.  She had already learned (without help) how to reassure herself with positive sensation.

If the ugly book was the first lightbulb moment, this was the second.  Etta needed some skills and some compassion, in negotiating her way around what was for her often a very scary world.

Etta bracing herself for more facepaint..
She loves the idea of it, but hates getting it put on.

to be continued (only one more installment I promise - it's just looooong!)

* This was exactly the point at which I decided I needed some help...

**  They don't have a website yet, nor do they know how to professionally format assessments in ways regular people will read them.  But they were very helpful - message me if you need a phone number or email address.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 1

Etta has always been a bit different.

The difference was not something I could easily put a finger on but a collection of things that just seemed a little off.   If you said any of the things in isolation to another parent or a Dr or Kindy teacher they'd just say 'well, that's normal - some children do that'. 

But there were just so many small things.

 Etta patting Casper at a party

She would tantrum for up to an hour.  During tantrums she was lost: throwing things, screaming, breaking stuff - including things she loved and injuring herself, usually by accident.  The best way to calm her down was to stay with her but not talk or touch - these seemed to exacerbate things.  And this started when she was 11 months old.  She couldn't sleep when her room was untidy.  She had a strong need for routine and created and extended her own making every day events (like bedtime) take increasingly longer periods of time.  She had issues with light/noise/smells and new foods.  When we tried starting her on finger foods she flat our refused, so ate purees well past the ages of the children of our friends.  She didn't start walking until she was almost two years old.

And once I had another child those differences became more apparent.

I have never wanted anything but the best for my kids and knowing how little experience I have in the area of childcare I thought it was highly possible it was just me and my anxiety.  Maybe I was overthinking things.  Maybe she was completely normal.  Maybe I just wasn't getting this parenting thing right.  It was also very likely that Etta was - like me - anxious.  I was very anxious when pregnant with her and anxious pregnancies make for anxious kids.  So I was totally happy to do an intensive parenting course.

The Circle Of Security was recommended to me by my maternity mental health facilitator.  She thought it was a good fit for my style of parenting and our values and she was right on the money.  Over 20 weeks I watched myself, and other parents, on film interacting with our kids.  We did this to  decode the language that our relationships with our children was built upon.  This was not an easy emotional journey - but it was absolutely worthwhile and I highly recommend the course and the ideal of trying to be a 'good enough' parent rather than a perfect one.

However, because of the time frame and simple base of this course (and the fact it was trying to help us retrain our brains so had to be simple) it didn't allow for variances.  And whilst much I learned was very helpful I was left feeling I was still missing something.  And I was frustrated.

The course also didn't take into account other relationships - between us as mothers with other children, or between our child with other adults.  Whilst I understand this was due to a focus on bettering ourselves, it also implicated that we were ultimately responsible for our children, and relegated their fathers/other caregivers to a backseat.  This felt unfair to them, and also heaped more responsibility on us as primary caregivers.  I also felt this was unfeasible with other parental obligations.  On the course they said a child feels heard if they are responded to something like 30% of the time.  But what if there are more than one?  How is a mother of five supposed to easily manage the emotional health of all of her children equally whilst also managing a busy household and her own needs?  How is she supposed to do this alone?

A part of the course taught us that children are like cups that need to be kept full.  We fill their cups by 'being with' them.  Which means providing enough quality time, listening and engaging, to keep them feeling secure.  And whilst this approach works with Abby no problem, when applied to Etta it seemed to make her cup grow bigger, her expectations of 'Mummy time' higher and my capacity to meet her needs just never enough.  And when I raised this with the facilitators I was never given any adequate response as to why this would be.

This led me to wonder if we were missing something more big picture.  With Murray* and his brother having dyspraxia, and a history of ASD through my family I wondered about whether this was the issue.  But it just didn't quite fit.  Whilst Etta has struggled with elements of socialising, her understanding of empathy and kindness made this seem unlikely.

Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was.

On a sit down review of the course three months on with one of the facilitators I brought this up.  She reassured me Etta was a perfectly normal kid - if anything was off it would have been picked up during their interactions with her.  They were two qualified children's psychologists and both very certain Etta was just a regular kid who just needed more connection with me.

I found this hard, because whilst I accept that I struggle with staying connected with people due to aspects of my childhood (like everyone else on the course) I do remember being a kid.  I can remember the things that were important to me.  I can remember the feelings of being not heard**, of feeling less than and, as a parent, I try to incorporate this into how I talk to our kids.  I felt that I was already doing so much split between two kids, managing my mental health, a partner and work, that doing any more was just not feasible.  I felt like mothering Etta was a Herculean task that I would never quite manage.  I felt like a failure.

Then randomly I found a book.

We were at the library on one of our regular excursions, and as usual it was nigh on impossible to leave the kids section without a double kiddy meltdown.  I had run out of books to read at home, and as reading was part of my usual sleep routine I was desperate.  Luckily, the parenting section is next to the childrens section at our library, so after a quick peruse I picked up a book with a hideous cover and a wordy title:  The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize their Child's Potential by Barbara Klein.  I was desperate.

That ugly book was the first thing that made any kind of sense to me regarding Etta.  All the behaviours she was exhibiting were there on the pages in front of me in black and white.  Suddenly so many pieces clicked into place.

Murray and I were both bright kids.  In the PATs (like America's SATs) at primary school I always scored in the top 98th or 99th percentile across the board and was extended (especially in language) as far as they thought socially allowable (I was held back a little).  And Murray had been put into a special class with other bright kids where they could learn whatever interested them.  We both sat some School Cert subjects early (math and science) and both got UE in sixth form.  And guess what?  Intelligence is hereditary.

to be continued...

* Murray will want it stated for the record that he wasn't officially diagnosed with this growing up, but his mother and A&E record testify differently.

** Just need to point out these are not digs at my parents.  My parents were generally actually pretty good with this stuff.  This is a dig with society generally not taking kids seriously.  That old adage 'children should be seen and not heard' - total uncompassionate hogwash.  Children are little people.  Their ideas, needs and feelings are just as valid (if not moreso) than those of adults.

What I did today

It's hard to feel any sense of achievement when your house is in a constant state of this ^

I was feeling really down about the state of our house.  I usually write a 'to do' list daily, then take things off the list as they get done.  But lately I've felt like I haven't been able to get much on my list done.  And those remaining very important (but not absolutely necessary) jobs sit there taunting me and making me feel stink. So today (well, yesterday now that I have time to write this) I decided to do something different.  I wrote a list of the things I did do instead.

So here's my list.  It's from the time I got up until midnight (figured that was fairest) I'm sure I've left stuff off.  And I'm sure maybe there are things on there that others don't consider 'work' - but hey - I tried to include everything (including the things I do for myself - cos equally important for sanity):

•          Washed one load of dishes
•          Breakfasted the kids
•          Engaged in some sort of intelligent conversation online
•          Washed a load of nappies
•          Washed a load of delicates
•          Had a shower (then Etta and Abby had a bath)
•          Read 10+ kids books to kids
•          Brought in washing
•          Made up nappies
•          Dressed 2 x kids
•          Took kids to dental nurse
•          dropped clothes to clothing bin
•          Hung out two loads of washing
•          Washed more dishes
•          Fed kids lunch
•          Made marinade for chicken
•          Got two kids to nap
•          Read (grown up books.  To myself)
•          Napped for almost one hour myself
•          Played with kids in paddling pool
•          Dressed two kids
•          Made cupcakes with kids
•          Put all the dishes away
•          Changed all the nappies
•          Tidied and Vacuumed Etta's room
•          Put a painting up in Abby's room
•          Tidied and vacuumed Abby's room
•          Played cars in the hallway with Abby
•          Read articles on immigration/Trump blah blah online
•          Picked up takeaways for kids dinner
•          Took photos of birds
•          Helped kids with their dinner and sang happy birthday with cupcakes
•          Re-vacuumed Etta's room after cupcake disaster
•          Cleaned up cat vomit
•          Looked at export options for payments on Google Adwords for MIL
•          Made dinner for the grown ups
•          Brought in one load of washing
•          Put Abby to bed
•          Dressed Etta for bed
•          Did part of Etta's bedtime routine with her before leaving for pub quiz
•          Edited photos of birds
•          Went to pub quiz (the fun activity of the day)
•          Attempted to resettle one itchy 21 month old

I think this is a much better way of accounting for my time than just taking things off a list.  Look!  Lots of things!  I did lots of things!  The other way I do things just makes everything I did invisible and presents me with all I have yet to do.  Which in turn makes me feel useless and pretty stink.  Lame!

So maybe if you're feeling a bit crap about the state of your house/washing/dishes/human relationships give this a go.  Make sure you write it all down.  I reckon you'll find you do a lot more than you think!  And maybe a lot more things with/for your kids than you think.  And at the end of the day, that's a pretty important thing.

This is actually what comes of me ignoring the kids to do chores* - Etta reading to Abby.

 

 

* Only sometimes... On the odd occasions where they aren't yelling/hitting/pushing/zombies to kids TV (AKA technological babysitter)