Failing the Challenge

Failure is an awful feeling.

Especially when it's a choice.

Because I did have a choice.  I could have held on and mucked through.  But the truth is that aside from the challenge last week was unpredictably tough.

A new recipe I made for the challenge -
Scottish oatcakes.  Quite tasty!  And cheap!

First off, the challenge was tougher than I thought it would be!  While it was different from the Ration Challenge in that I didn't feel that hard, aching hunger (I did make it halfway through the challenge), I did feel hungry at times.  I was much more anxious than usual as I knew how reliant I was on prep, and had to remember to bring the food I'd prepped with me to work.  My time felt much more precious.  And I had less of it than I had during last years challenge.  Even though I had more 'choice' in food than last time, it was still tough to eat the same thing for days in a row.  And even though those things were things I'd chosen that I like, the lack of variety was tough.

And then I got the headaches.  On the second day of the challenge I felt super wiped out and had a massive headache.  After school drop off, on the only day I have home alone, when I'm usually cleaning or writing, I went to bed to read and passed out for three hours.  The next day felt much the same, and not helped by a 5am start (Abby likes to wake up around then).  While I was hoping to have some time to rest and do food prep, after grocery shopping I had to pick Abby up from Kindy as she had a reaction to her immunisations which put everything - food, rest and work, into a spin.

My usual morning coffee           

When I saw my Mum before heading into work she told me the headaches were probably caffeine
withdrawal.  It seemed weird as I only have one coffee most mornings, and never had this when I did The Ration Challenge.  But the timing made sense.  I popped some paracetamol and headed into work.  Work was insane.  I'd forgotten we had a nursery sale on, which is always the busiest sale of all.  I worked extra hours to help out.  I was so busy, the headaches became some low background haze.

When I arrived home on Friday, I learned a dear friend had passed away on Thursday night.  It was expected, but still, grief hit me like a tidal wave.  And I had no food prepped.  After that, I just didn't have the resolve to continue.  All my resolve just left my body.

Had I been in the position of someone actually living below the line, I could not have done the things I did next.  I could not have afforded the petrol, or bus-fare to head North to say goodbye.

Even though I didn't finish the challenge, my circumstances really hit home to me how hard it would be to be in a less privileged position.

Had I been in the position of someone living below the line, there would be no way I could have gone to say goodbye.  We had to pay for the petrol to drive up to her Marae.  We had to find easy ways to feed the kids.  I needed to give her whanau a koha to help with the tangi.  She was loved by so many, it is no small thing.  And we are fortunate in that we can do that.  Not everyone can.  Even when they love someone with all their heart, not everyone has the option to drop everything to farewell their loved ones.

This privilege was reiterated when on driving home I got another headache.  This one put holes and rainbows through the left side of my vision.  This has happened to me before, and it was due to a severe sinus infection.  I then realised my earlier headaches probably weren't caffeine withdrawal*, but the beginning of this infection.  We drove straight from Northland to our local White Cross so I could get a check up and some meds.  Two more things that may not have been possible had I not been in the position to afford the emergency Drs fee, or the medication.

I do not regret opting out.  I needed to farewell my friend but I am so, so grateful that I am in the position that I could.

I know there is more to say, but right now I feel tired, hurt and raw.  So I will revisit this in the future.  In the meantime, I will take nothing for granted.

* Just in case, I've quit coffee anyway.  It had just become a habit after I had kids.  I never used to drink it.  To my knowledge, I've never experienced withdrawal symptoms from anything.  After hearing how bad they are, I have no desire to.

Prep for Living Below The Line

So I am starting this challenge tomorrow.

I just finished the last of my shopping (veges) and am feeling pretty good going in to this.  Certainly, compared to the Ration Challenge, this feels easier.

Last years Ration Challenge gave me this plus salt, lemon pepper, cinnamon, 125g of tofu, 170grams of carrots and 120 grams of peanuts.

This year, my $19.95 has bought me all this plus I have $2.03 left over to spend on small, cost calculated, extras from the pantry*.  I opted to just shop at my usual places that are easily accessible by foot, rather than going to the bulk foods store which is a bit further.  Shopping around is  something not always easy for someone on limited means.  All of this comes from Pak n Save Alderman Drive and our local Asian vege store - besides the pumpkin which was an impulse buy from Countdown when doing a fruit dash for kids lunches as it was just $2!

I feel like for me, this is plenty.  My $19.95 bought me 500g of rice, 6 eggs, 500g yellow split peas, 750g oats, a tin of creamed corn, tomatoes and coconut cream, a large pumpkin, about 1/2 a cup of roasted, salted peanuts, some popcorn kernels, 2 mushrooms, 2 lemons, some onions, a bag of carrots and a little bit of ginger and garlic.  It is definitely enough to make enough meals for me to live on.  And it wasn't all planned!  Although I am very much a planning down to the last cent kind of person, the pumpkin was so big and cheap I couldn't walk past it and I kinda splurged on mushrooms and lemons.  So I don't feel hard done by.

But there are some notable things missing.  Meat is expensive, and something that I lived without for years, so it was a no-brainer to not even bother.  Also, no dairy.  I had hoped I'd be able to afford some cheese, but the sacrifices I'd have had to have made for that cheese was not worth it.  Nor is there bread.  I could definitely not afford the gluten free bread I usually buy, nor is it worth it for me to buy $1 bread even though it would make this coming week easier**.  I really wanted to buy a bag of fruit, but when it came down to a choice between carrots and fruit, I went with carrots because they were cheaper, and also more flexible.  There are no quick meals here - besides porridge, carrots and eggs.  All my main meals take time and preparation.

Vege shopping (sans pumpkin)

There are no drink things here.  Even though I do drink coffee every morning, it hadn't crossed my mind until after I'd done my supermarket shop.  Not that I could afford it without cutting into other things.  And even then, it would have to be the cheapest instant coffee and I'd have to have it without milk, which is yuck.  And spend more on pantry sugar.  All round, it was not possible.  This week's 'coffee' will be lemon in hot water.  That way I still feel like I'm having 'something', while also having some vitamin C.

Because while this week is more vegeful than my Ration Challenge week, it still doesn't meet the nutritional minimum.  I've worked out I'll get about 3 or 4 out of my 5 plus a day from this.  So while it's ok, it's not ideal.  Looking at this picture, I have no idea where my calcium will be coming from, and I'm guessing there will be other things I've missed out on nutritionally given I'm not a trained nutritionist.

Tarka daal, YUM! (and cheap to make)      

 But I am excited about the meals!  I decided to base my food choices around healthy(ish) comfort foods that I usually eat.  So I'm making my favourite Taarka Daal, pumpkin soup, sweetcorn fritters and egg fried rice, in quantities that will give me multiple meals.  I will supplement this with 'found' salads, oat-flour flatbreads, carrot sticks and peanuts.

To make this experience more 'true' to living below the line, I will also not exercise any personal spending.  It feels silly to restrict one side of life, and not any other.  So no retail therapy, no Instant Kiwis (secret bad treat) and only free-to-air TV this week.

While I am not asking for donations directly, if you appreciate what I'm doing here, feel free to donate to Live Below the Line, the Ration Challenge ***, KidsCan or Foodbank New Zealand.

Watch this space for updates!




* Limited, cheap spices cost 10c per teaspoon, salt costs 1c per teaspoon, soy sauce costs 6c per Tbsp, canola oil costs 6c per Tbsp, brown sugar costs 25c for 1/4 cup, white flour costs 15c for 1 cup, baking powder costs 7c per tsp.  I'm not intending on using much of any of these.

** The only naughty for my health thing I bought was the onion, but that quantity spread over a week should not cause a drama.

*** If you don't know anyone doing the challenge, you can still donate!  What I did last year was topped up a few teams or individuals who were at the bottom of the leaderboards to help them feel more supported.  Great way to boost someone doing something super tough whilst giving to a great cause.

Why Food Challenges are important... to me anyway.

It's weird being middle class.  Having grown up very not middle class, it's confronting*.  It's a daily battle amalgamating two different sets of values.  And this reiterates to me just how much our childhood impacts us.  From the foods we like to eat, to the people we socialise with to the jobs we choose and the aspirations we have.  My childhood defines me, for both better and worse.

Growing up I never thought I would own my own home.

Living in relative comfort, I feel a sense of guilt every day.  I know what I have.  Poverty is not theoretical to me.  Not only have I been in this position, but I still have family in this position.  My daughter goes to a decile 3 school, a KidsCan school.  We can see the need for that support in our community.  Conversely, we have enough food to fill our kids lunchboxes.  We have enough money to pay our mortgage - we own a house in Auckland.  We have Netflix.  I know these are the sorts of things many people we know may take for granted as basics.  But I also know they aren't.

At the moment I'm feeling especially guilty because The Ration Challenge is starting again soon and I'm not doing it.

This year is a bit of a struggle for me.  My workload is heavy, family stuff is heavy and my health is suffering.  The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!  I struggled to get through my normal workload last year.  And currently, I'm working more than I was last year so it just doesn't feel feasible**.  Last year I got the shakes.  I cried.  I lost 2kg that week.  And I wasn't even living on the minimum.  As one of the fortunate folk connected enough to get good sponsorship, I enjoyed a few extras.  I can't imagine how hard it would have been without them.

I know I'm making the right decision.  But I still feel guilty.  It's not even just about the money.  After last years challenge, facing the reality of what thousands of people live with on a daily basis, I started donating a small amount monthly to Oxfam.  I know that even a small amount makes a difference.  But giving money isn't enough to assuage my guilt.

     The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!

Doing this challenge last year was hard, but doing it felt really good.  Not only because I raised much more money than I ever thought I could, but because it reminded me of just how lucky I am.  It reminded me how easy it might be for someone in my position to forget.  And that if someone's never felt hungry for longer than a few days, it is difficult for them to understand the long term impact of hunger.  In fact, every person I've spoken to who works in fundraising has said that the areas where people give the most, often have the least.  Fundraisers do better in low income areas, like Henderson and Mangere, than in places like Remuera or Parnell.  I think it's because in wealthy areas many have no concept of what it's like to live with so little.

Of course, many people rise from poverty to relative financial success who have also forgotten.  The two people foremost in my mind are our former PM John Key, and National MP Paula Bennett.  They too lived through tough times.  Both were reliant on government support for a time - John Key as a child who's mother was on the Widows Benefit, and Paula Bennett via the DPB as a young Mum.  I'm not saying they didn't work hard to get to where they are now.  I've seen the video of John Key working the stock market, pissing into a bottle.  I'm just saying that other people work just as hard and don't move far from where they started.  I'm scared that if I forget where I came from, if I forget how it feels to have less choice, to be hungry, I could easily be like them.

The Cycle of Poverty                 
It doesn't always look like this         
but a good overview nonetheless.       

So while I am not doing the Ration Challenge, I've decided I will do a food challenge.  After last year, I think I'm going to have to do one every year to ensure I don't forget.  This year I've decided I'm going to do the Live Below The Line challenge for 7 days instead.  The last time I planned on doing this I had to flag it as I found out I was pregnant with Etta the week before I was due to start...  Now the time for this actual challenge has already passed this year.  But given my goals are (in a way) selfish, there is no reason why I can't just do it anyway.

I have chosen this challenge because, while it feels as though it'll be easier than the Ration Challenge, it is still going to be a challenge.  I will have $19.95 to feed myself for seven days.  The main difference between this and The Ration Challenge is that I have some choice.  The Ration Challenge was particularly hard due to the dire lack of vegetables.  While the perks in the Ration Challenge did drive me to fundraise more, it simultaneously added to the stress of doing the challenge.  I know people who live on this amount, or a little less, or a little more, most weeks.  It is important that I remind myself of how it feels to be like them.  The flow on effect of having limited options.  And I can write about my experience and hope it gives an insight as to why it's so important to have compassion for those with limited means.

I also understand that donating money is a privilege.  Many want to give, but truly cannot.  Last year I felt as if a few of my friends and whanau felt bad about not donating, or not donating more.  I don't like making people feel bad.  So I'm not going to ask for donations on social media.  I will post some links in my blogs in case people want to donate independently, and will also provide links later on for places you can donate food or time to help those in need.

The wonderful, prolific vege, puha

Doing this off book means I'm allowing myself a couple of perks.  The perks are things we can all do to supplement our diet here in NZ, but were not possible in the Ration Challenge***.  Because I'm an experienced forager, and know many in poverty are not, I'm only going to forage basic foods found in most places around NZ - dandelion, puha, nasturtium, rosemary and wild fennel.  Equally, I've opted to spend a little of my $19.95 on pantry basics that will last six+ weeks, to trade (by value amount) for pantry basics I could conceivably have bought during previous weeks if this was my normal budget.  I've chosen salt, pepper, turmeric, garam masala, soy sauce and small amounts of flour and white sugar.

And because I don't want this to impact my family as much as The Ration Challenge did last year, I am doing it at a time that works best for us.  So my Challenge week will be the 21st to the 27th of May (after Etta's birthday celebrations are finished).  Last year the last night of the Ration Challenge fell on our annual Matariki celebration - which is literally a feast with old friends.  That was hard!  I'm also not taking on as many additional hours at work that week (this was hard in that I suck at saying no).  I know that doing this demonstrates my privilege, but I am making some allowances for my health this year.

Refugee camps in Jordan.  It's no small thing.

If you are in good health and want to understand what it's like to live with less, I highly recommend participating in The Ration Challenge.  It is tough, but it gives the gift of insight into how whole communities survive on so little.  It forces us to form communities, and support strangers.  The lessons I learned from doing this year are invaluable.  I cannot emphasise this enough.  And I promise I will sponsor you.

* Talk about First World Problems...

** In fact, Murray told me he was very glad I wasn't doing it again as last year was also tough on him and the kids...
*** Because it was emulating the situation for refugees in camps in Jordan, which are basically settled on dust.

On becoming middle class

So this is an awkward conversation topic.

It's not the done thing to talk about how you use money or your financial position.  It's not what polite society does  But I think we have to.  Because when we don't, it can create a big gap in peoples understanding of how wealth accumulation works.  And it means we don't talk about the feelings we associate with financial wealth (or lack thereof) and how it affects us.  Because it's uncomfortable.  But not talking about this stuff doesn't help anyone.

I grew up in a working poor family.  I cannot remember a long period of time where both of my parents were unemployed.  I know it happened from time to time as things were always harder then, but usually there was work.  We lived itinerantly.  Whilst I was lucky to only attend four Primary schools and two high schools (the second by choice) I did move house 14 times in the first 14 years of my life.

Whilst we were poor - and I knew we were poor because we couldn't go on some school trips or have Christmases like my cousins - I didn't feel deprived.  There were times when we were hungry, but they were few because my parents supplemented our diet by hunting, fishing and gardening.  And rural living meant we were often paid in meat - a half a beast or a hoggart would last the family for a long time.  We had clothes as we got hand me downs from cousins, and until I was 12 years old I had no idea that clothing had any social relevance.

Since childhood I can remember a strong desire to rectify my financial position.  I believed I could do better than my parents, and I think this had a lot to do with knowing people who lived differently to us, and not being disparaged for thinking differently.  Later on, this opened doors for me in terms of understanding I could further my education.  Whilst I never had any desire to be wealthy, I did always crave stability in the form of my own home.

The standard mythology would be that I changed my position through foresight and hard work.

But that's just not true.

Me at the only exhibition where all my work sold (knitted she-wees)
Yes, I did get an education.  But I got a design degree and majored in painting, and fine arts is not exactly renowned for its ability to pay the bills.  And while I am good with money thanks to high school accounting classes and screwing up as an 18 year old, I have never been that great at getting my hands on it.  I never made marketable art.  I've struggled to value my own skills.  I've never enjoyed working full time as I've always needed time and brain space to create.


Basically, I only changed my position through luck and 'marrying up'.

This was not a conscious choice.  Studying at tertiary level meant mixing with folk from a different economic background from myself.  Yes, there were people like me studying, but in truth - we were the minority.  All but one (the high school boyfriend) of my serious relationships were with people from a different financial background to myself.  It wasn't rocket science to predict I would end up hitched to someone similar.

Cos she ain't nothing but a gold-digger (not actually...)

How did Murray's background help us?  Well aside from the fact he had some money in trust from his parents he miraculously hadn't spent yet, it meant he had some fiscal skills I didn't.  His parents owned two businesses and a rental property so he knew how grown up stuff like businesses and real estate worked (kinda).  He had insurance.  More importantly, he understood insurance.  He had a reliable vehicle.  He worked his way up through a workplace over a period of time and earned a decent wage*. 

I didn't understand how any of these things worked.  Most people I knew couldn't afford to get their vehicles warranted as soon as it run out, let alone keep them in good working order.  And I never had insurance.  Of any kind.  I couldn't afford it.  I didn't know many people that did and I am still getting my head around how it works.  Once we were 'Civilised', Murray's parents even got us in touch with a financial planner.  My knowledge of how money worked was that if you had some you spent it on something cool and then traded that thing in for something cooler when the novelty wore off.

This was a foreign and terrifying world.

I like to think Murray and I forged some sort of balance.  He had some knowledge, but he had no personal savings.  He had never felt the need to save for anything as he was a man of simple needs and always earned enough to meet them.  I was great at saving and goal setting, and having mostly lived on lower incomes am quite good at stretching money.  I have approached the financial nous of his family with caution but it has definitely helped us be more financially savvy.

Me and Murray at our new home in Sunnyvale

And how did we manage to buy a house in Auckland?  Luck and timing.  We spent nearly a year looking for the right house for us, which meant that when we did buy we had really thought about what we needed in terms of our house, location and how much we could afford to spend.  And if we had have tried to get into the market just 6 months later we couldn't have.  As it was, with our savings, Murray's trust and my Kiwisaver we could JUST scrape through on a low equity loan.  So without the money from Murray's parents we couldn't have done it.  With the increase in deposit required (20%) and the increase in housing prices we would have been like many people I know - locked out.

Buying a house has made things financially easier for us 5 years down the track.  Buying a reasonably priced house combined with low interest rates means that even if I combine our mortgage repayments and rates we pay at least $50 less a week than the average rental rate for a house of our size in the area we live in.

Why do I think it's important I tell you this stuff?  Because I am sick of hearing this rhetoric:

'I worked hard for what I've got'.

This may well be true.  X person may well have worked themselves up from the bottom of the heap doing 70 hour weeks in the coal mines and eating only bananas and wearing the same holey shoes for ten years.  But this does not mean that Y person didn't work equally hard and sacrifice just as much and end up with nothing.

Do we have what we have because we worked hard?  Eh, kinda.  We did plan and we made some sacrifices and held down full time jobs and put money away and moved to the suburbs, sure.  But do I know people that work harder than us and have less?  Definitely.  Things can work in our favour that we take for granted - like job stability, housing markets, our health and having family with fiscal knowledge.

I get really annoyed by the implication that people who have little do not work hard and make poor decisions.  I have previously blogged about how things are set up to benefit those who have more.  People with little have to fight to just survive the daily bills, and then just when they feel they're making headway - BANG!  Someone gets sick or the washing machine breaks down.  It is no surprise that when there's a little money available it gets spent on something that brings a glimmer of happiness into the gloom.

And things are set up to disadvantage those with less.  Renting means less stability and less control over the quality of your home.  This may make it less easy to stay in the same job and garner the titles and payrises a more stable person might - or make it more expensive to get to work.  It also contributes to higher rates of illness and more sick days.  Inability to pay for things on time means paying extra: late payment fees, fines for no WOF, fines for no license.  Attempts to increase your revenue - like getting another job - mean you incur secondary tax - the most unfair tax of all.

I am smiling even though I work full time for minimum wage.
Because I work in retail.
It all seems pretty unfair.

And this unfairness makes me uncomfortable.  I am totally aware that we are in the position we are due to Murray's family being financially stable and a bit of luck.  And I am also aware of how easy it would be to end up less lucky.  Consequently, I'd love it if we could level the playing fields by making it a little easier on those with less, and maybe a little tougher on those with more.  The best way I feel I can work toward changing this, is by voting for politicians who understand this dichotomy, and who seek to rectify it.

I'm guessing that most of the people who read my blog are friends and whanau with a similar outlook to me.  But the other important thing I have to say (which you friends and whanau may disagree with) is that people who think differently to us are not the bad guy.  Thinking this is the case is easier - sure, but it's not necessarily true.  We probably feel how we do based on the evidence of our own lives, or the lives of people we know.  This is probably the same for them.  For those people who have succeeded, and only have friends who have enjoyed similar success, it will be hard to believe you can work hard and not reap any benefits.  Because they haven't seen it.

It's like expecting someone to believe the boogey man is real by just telling them so.
This doesn't make them arseholes.  It makes them ignorant.

We can show them all the stats and figures and Tedtalks we can muster and they might believe us, but it's just as likely that they won't.  Because they don't see it, and it doesn't affect them, and they will be able to find some statistics somewhere that back their position.  In fact, it works to their benefit if they pretend it doesn't exist (that is arseholey, but they are possibly not even aware of it).  But creating an 'us' and 'them' mentality doesn't really help anyone.

So how can we change things?  We can change how we use our money.  We can stop buying rental properties or playing the property market to our personal financial betterment to make it easier for wanna be homeowners to get a look in.  We can do our best to help our friends and whanau if they are less fortunate then ourselves, in ways that are welcome.  We can invest in small, local businesses or in our friends business ideas.  We can vote for parties that will change taxation and other policy to help level the playing field.  And we can talk openly about our experiences.

*Shortly after we met I was actually earning more than him as an online advertising editor, but the partnership of the company I was working for collapsed amidst accusations of fraud and I ended up taking the owner to mediation as he refused to back pay me monies owed for when I was working outside my contract (and a new contract had been negotiated).  Then the recession hit, so I was unable to get another job working at the same level I had done previously.  Luck huh?