Ideas around parenting kids like Etta

I wanted to write up a little summary on what I've learned through the last few years being Etta's parent.  These are just simple things that seem to be working for us.

1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up.  You are the parent.  You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else.  Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day.  Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about.  This may be right.  It also may not be.  Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner.  They are not specialists.  They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology.  In fact, it most likely isn't.

If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary.  Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you.  Reach out on social networks.  Connect with people and information until something clicks.  Then follow that lead.  The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not.  But you won't know unless you pursue it.

2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty 
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue.  Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents.  They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this.  Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically.  Some kids are trying to establish boundaries.  Some kids are just trying to get your attention.

Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you.  They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing.  They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue.  They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household).  They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.

Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does.  What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers.  For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this.  It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.

Etta having a tantrum roadside - we got through it together (eventually)

3) Follow Your Child's Lead
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody.  I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues.  This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out.  This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place.  It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity.  Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.

Sometimes this is not possible.  Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible.  Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them.  This is life.  The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.

Uhh, not my kid...

4) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin.  For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food.  I love food!  I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills.  I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love.  But none of this is helpful to Etta.  Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough.  She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.

Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her.  At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head.  And they are not as important as Etta.  Because they are not real.  Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food?  Yes.  But so does she.  It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat.  She is scared of trying most new things.  So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.

The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego.  I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals.  I feel like others judge me because I don't.  The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta.  And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does).  Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.

At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too!  I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens).  And that completely changed.  The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet.  And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.

It might  not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else.  But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.

5) Try to Forge A Balance
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me.  When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things?  What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling.  What kind of day has she had?  Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset?  How hard is this thing for her to do?  If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.

The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead.  Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things.  And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this.  Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her.  When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).

Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you.  Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home.  I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...).  Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train.  Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked.  This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.

 The Circle of Security - truly a useful tool in understanding what kids need from their parents/caregivers.

Many of us struggle finding the balance between protecting them and allowing them to explore.

6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared.  My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me.  It isn't always easy to follow up on it though.  Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside.  Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...).  In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.

Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important.  We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared.  We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes.  I don't like driving.  Nana is scared of mice.  This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too.  When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is.  Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her.  And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.

Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid.  And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.

7) Aim to be 'Good Enough'                                                    Me as I am - no filter - an actual human parent

Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal.  But being good enough is totally doable.  When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards.  If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things?  While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.

This can be especially hard for some of us.  Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism.  And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves.  Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids.  We want to present our best selves.  We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times.  But this is not showing the reality of our situation.  And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.

For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means).  It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that  I actually just forgot because I'm tired.  It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it).  In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes.  This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.

8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be.  Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child?  These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe.  Parenting any child is hard.  It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting.  Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher.  We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family.  It might be making friends with your next door neighbours.  It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup.  It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community.  These are all valid means of building your own village.

Making food at Bellyful                   

If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there.  If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health.  If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer.  Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression.  Reach out.  Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be.  There are places that offer respite and childcare for free.  There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit.  But if you don't look, you won't find it.  We cannot do this parenting thing alone.

9) Be Kind 
Be kind to yourself.  Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it).  They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them.  Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things.  Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment.  These feelings are normal.  You are not a bad parent.  And tomorrow is another day.

Be kind to your family.  Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions.  Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids.  They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.

These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.

Etta on the same day as her tantrum pictured earlier.  She was upset because she needed 'Mama time' (and because she wanted a rock that I wouldn't let her have.  She didn't get the rock, but she did get 'Mama time').  This is what happened when I could meet her needs.


* Just need to make clear I am not vegan.  I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets.  Also, veges are DELICIOUS.
 

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 3

So then we were back to where we had kinda started - with Indigo to have Etta assessed for giftedness.

This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant. 

To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this.  While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok.  Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.

We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues.  Not the best way to start an hour long assessment!  But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books.  And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.

Questions were on flash cards, and looked a little like this

It was basically an IQ test for little people which looked at memory, language skills and spacial understanding.  And whilst carrying out the assessment the psychologist was looking at indicators of other issues - motor skills, verbalisation, empathy et al.  Etta enjoyed the areas of the test she was good at - but got very frustrated attempting the things she struggled with, even refusing to participate in certain activities.

I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*.  Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average.  The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at.  So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.

Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues.  She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations.  Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills.  And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.

The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.

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I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT.  I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might.  One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy.  This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children.  She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT.  That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary  The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.***  Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.

Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do.  And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago.  This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.

One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids.  In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids.  Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different.  So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways.  Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.

The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course.  I felt like I had literally come full circle.

Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time.  She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there.  In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure.  Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down.  So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.

The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious.  It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine.  It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation.  And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!

A few weeks ago Etta desperately needed some 'Mama time', so I organised for Murray's parents to take Abby for a few hours so we could have some time together.  Because she loved playing mini golf in Rarotonga we decided to go to the mini-golf place in New Lynn for a special outing.  This was a bad call on my part.  The moving and talking characters terrified her.  We were the only people there, so the operator offered to turn them all off.  It took me a while to calm her down, but I persevered.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to calm down and experience something I knew she would enjoy.  We managed to play about five holes and she was quite happy.  Then she saw a troll and it was all over.  I carried her screaming and hitting out of the mini-golf course.

This was difficult.  Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things.  And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun.  And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior.  But I understood it.  Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta.  We played at the playground.  We went to the library.  (We went to McDonalds...)

And we talked about our feelings.  I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing.  She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary.  But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger.  When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.

These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations.  These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it.  In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen.  But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.

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Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons.  I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill).  Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth.  But today, she decided to confront her fear.  When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face.  I am so proud of her.

We are making progress.



* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.

** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga.  We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes).  Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme.  In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.

*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls.  Honestly.  I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise.  And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot.  And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed.  I am not proud, but this is the truth.

**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy.  I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home.  Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences.  Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community.  Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.

Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy.  Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 2

And apparently smarts often go hand in hand with other things.  Smart kids will always try to push the boundaries.  Because they're smart they are naturally curious so will question everything.  Often kids that have a lot of skills in one area will struggle with another, and because of anxiety around failing focus on what they're good at.  This will be why some smart kids avoid social situations, or physical activities.  Gifted kids are often developmentally imbalanced.  At the extreme you have kids who are 'twice gifted' - kids who are smart, but have other issues, like ASD or dyspraxia.

After reading all this I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Maybe I wasn't just a terrible parent?  Regardless, Etta still needed support.

Einstein didn't talk until he was four.

At this point in time Etta was not quite four.  I know it sounds like I'm being a crazy, overprotective Mum, but hey, I'm anxious and truthfully, her behavior was out there.  Her tantrums dictated whether we could even leave the house.  She once went into a spin about leaving the park and ran out onto the road (I had to leave Abby with a stranger and run)*.  And she wasn't being naughty - she was literally terrified and overwrought by emotions.  Any attempts at direct intervention was wood on the flames so having other people 'attempt' to help only made her tantrums last longer.  With another small child in the house, this was just not a feasible (or fun) way to live long term.

And it was frustrating.  Because not only was it eating into the family's time, but into hers.  This prevented her from being able to do lots of the regular things that kids her age do: zoo trips, visits to friends, actually just playing with her toys.  I could see her childhood slipping away in terrifying tantrums that sapped her energy and stopped her from engaging with the world.

And in just over a year Etta would be starting school.  If she did have additional needs it would be in everyone's best interests - hers especially - if we could get an understanding of these before she started school.  Because big picture - her needs might indicate to us that we need to enrol her in a different school than initially planned.

Murray was keen on taking her to the GP and going from there.  With my vast personal experience with GP's and what our public health system is capable of, I thought this would put us into an unproductive loop.  Like most things, unless someone's behaviors are problematic on a larger scale, they are just written off as 'normal' at this level, and especially at this age.

So I did my own research.  The first place I called was Marinoto - which is the children's mental health unit at Waitakere Hospital.  Having dealt with the hospital for my own health, and being in my locale, I thought it a good start.  Unfortunately, they were unable to help in terms of assessments but at least were very clear about this from the outset.  So then I looked into help through private specialists in the area of gifted children.

While I felt I was jumping the gun in terms of diagnosing her, I didn't feel much like I had a choice.  Her behaviors and attitudes exactly matched those in the book I had just read.  But did I think she was a genuis?  No.  She did start talking very early - around 8 months.  She had a developed sense of humour before she was 18 months old.  And she memorised most of her books and would read them back to us before she was two.  So we did know she was smart.  But genius?

The common theme with info on gifted kids seems to be really boring images

I read up on the net and found Indigo.  Their tagline is 'Assessment and counseling for individuals who connect with the world differently'.  This statement in itself made me feel confident I was headed in the right direction.  Now as someone with social anxiety, making phone calls is not really my strong point.  So after a garbled conversation with the receptionist about crazy behaviors and road safety she told me someone would call me back.  She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to help us either.

Someone did call back though.

They also were not sure if they could be of help.  But they did tell me about someone who might be.  Links is a two bit organisation** that helps link families of kids with behavioral issues with the right support.  It sounded like exactly what we needed.

Now you have to understand that we did all of this outside of public health - this meant it was not exactly cheap.  But Etta needed help (our family needed help), and I didn't know how else to provide it, so as far as I was concerned this was necessary.  I am just saying this to precursor folks going 'OMG!  I need this too!' then finding them and getting freaked about the cost.  It is a little expensive.  But at this point we believed it to be a necessary expense.

So we booked a time.  This was a big deal as they needed to meet both me and Murray to accurately assess us, our home and Etta, so Murray took time off work.  It was a two part operation with one (the child psychologist) spending about an hour with Etta, while the other one interviewed Murray and I about Etta, our relationships, and our main concerns.  This tag-team approach meant they had a fuller picture of what exactly was needed (and seeing kids away from their parents makes it easier to assess the kids).

Truthfully, I did not like the woman who did our side of the assessment.  She seemed to have some kind of God complex and was totally self involved.  But she was apt.  And she was honest.  And while I didn't like her personally, I did think that she did a good job.  Both her and her partner (who was lovely) concurred that Etta was most likely gifted.  They also did not think she had ASD but picked up that she did have sensory issues.

I did not know what sensory issues actually meant.
I did see that Etta had issues with sounds, light and textures - but because society so strongly links this to ASD I hadn't got past that roadblock.  Sensory issues occur when the brain has trouble processing the information it receives from the senses.  Etta's tantrums were her way of managing her brain overloading on information.  This is why any verbal or physical attempt to stop them exacerbated things.  Conversely, this is why her comfort thing was her snuggly.  When feeling scared she could self calm by twisting the wool between her fingers.  She had already learned (without help) how to reassure herself with positive sensation.

If the ugly book was the first lightbulb moment, this was the second.  Etta needed some skills and some compassion, in negotiating her way around what was for her often a very scary world.

Etta bracing herself for more facepaint..
She loves the idea of it, but hates getting it put on.

to be continued (only one more installment I promise - it's just looooong!)

* This was exactly the point at which I decided I needed some help...

**  They don't have a website yet, nor do they know how to professionally format assessments in ways regular people will read them.  But they were very helpful - message me if you need a phone number or email address.