So... I'm writing a book

Well, this is the plan.  And I'm telling everyone because I know I'm bad at following through.  I know I need external (or perceived) pressure to get things done.  Used to working collaboratively or in a team, I am not so great at being my own boss.

Tim Curry as the illustrious Dr Frank-N-Furter

But I can do it, and I need to do it.  Because this book should exist.

It was the infamous Dr Frank-N-Furter who instructed us 'Don't dream it, be it.'  A mantra I sincerely agree with.

So when a Facebook friend made me aware there were no fab collections of queer folk from Oceania I did some research.  What I found was that while we do have some great books about aspects of Aotearoa's queer history, most are scholarly heavy reading texts, or biographies.  Most of which were about gay men or lesbian women.  I found nothing easy to read that encompassed our diverse rainbow community and their history.  My children's fixation* on books like What Would She Do? and any similar collection of women through history evidenced what style of book might fill this gap.  And following those wise words from Frank-N-Furter, I decided to change this.

I'm probably not the best person to do this, but maybe that person is busy right now.  What I have learned in life is not to underestimate my capabilities, and that if I want to see changes in the world I need to start making changes yourself.  This will be the first non-fiction book I will have ever written.  But I have published fiction.  I have maintained a regular blog for seven years, and last year I worked consistently to meet my writing goals.  Having always been interested in gender politics and sexuality this is something which really excites me.  And with my educational background, and having been a comics and zines nerd, I know a fair few amazing queer Kiwi illustrators.  I know I have the knowledge, the intention and the connections to make this happen.

And it needs to happen now.

Elizabeth Kerekere - a queer Kiwi worth celebrating

This history is important.  When there are folk like Israel Folau and Brian Tamaki actively promoting hate speech about queer people, we need to fight back.  And the best way to combat bigotry and ignorance is through knowledge.  The solution to hatred, is love.  So I will combat those voices by building a book which promotes the history of queer Aotearoa, giving love to our tipuna and those doing the mahi right now.  To me, our pre-colonial takatāpui history, and the history of our neighbouring Pasifika nations is especially important.  Queer people have existed in Aotearoa since people first set foot here.  And before colonialism, takatāpui, fa'afafine, fakaleiti were just an accepted part of polynesian culture.  While much of this history has been lost or hidden, there are amazing people like Dr Elizabeth Kerekere working hard to bring this to light.  It is important for us to realise there was a time in Aotearoa when it was ok to be queer.

And while much has changed for some LGBTQIA+ communities, this is not the same for everyone.  Trans rights are gaining visibility, but acceptance and understanding of this community is still lagging behind.  Our intersex and asexual communities are so seldom acknowledged they are both still largely rendered invisible.  These communities are important.  As are our takatāpui and fa'afafine communities, our disabled queer communities and our religious queer communities.  And ask yourself - how many famous bi or non-binary Kiwi's can you name?  We still have a long way to go.

Why is it important to me?  Because I've felt the prejudice of being different.  It may not be common knowledge** but I have never identified as straight.  While I used to identify as bi, now I prefer the term queer as I feel the term encompasses more than just sexuality.  While I think a non-binary view makes more sense, with gender equity as it stands I feel there is more power for me in womanhood.  Having a Civil Union wasn't just about having a platform to talk about inequality between straight and queer people.  It felt hypocritical to choose to marry, something only straight people could do at the time, when the person I chose to spend the rest of my life with could just have easily have been a woman.

Me with a friend at Grandma's Rocky Horror Birthday***

I have always felt a lot of fear around who I am.  Not so much of being judged, more a fear of not knowing what to do, of getting things wrong.  I am a pro at the unrequited crush, the drunken hook-up, the missed signals, confusing signals.  This came more from lack of community than an unsupportive family.  While my family are far from perfect, as a kid it still felt that they were accepting of queer people.  Even though derogatory epithets for queer folk were regularly used on the farm, when it came down to the nitty gritty, my parents got it.  I know that because they accepted that a little boy we grew up with was a girl.  He knew from the time he was three - probably before that even.  They accepted that.  They did their best to support her family within a small, rural community who were dealing with something people didn't really talk about in the late 80's.  And when my Grandma had a Rocky Horror themed 60th and I was introduced to the magic of this cult film, I knew being different must be ok with them too.

But society was less accepting.  I remember there was only one out gay guy**** at my high school.  And it was a big school - more than 1500 kids when I was there.  I remember more than one girl across my two high schools getting teased and called 'dyke' just because they cut their hair short.  I remember two friends being teased mercilessly after they were caught kissing.  In the 1990's it was only ok to be a lesbian if it was for the benefit of the male gaze.

One of the hottest movie scenes from my teen years - constructed for the male gaze

And while I know this is changing, I know those feelings, for many of us, are still there.  Of being different.  Of not fitting in.  Of not being enough.  And when we already have those negative voices in our heads, the voices of those like Folau are all the more powerful.  But we can't give them that power.  Because we are all enough.  Knowing our predecessors, our queer tipuna, this whakapapa is important.  Knowing where we come from gives us shoulders on which to stand so we can stand tall no matter who we are, or how we identify.

Carmen Rupe

 And it's not like there are a shortage of amazing queer folk in Aotearoa's history.  I've only been researching in earnest over the last couple of months and so far I have over 80 people on my list.  And thanks to the support of friends, whanau and online communities, I am adding to this list every day.  This small antipodean nation is not just home to amazing queer performers like Carmen Rupe, the Top Twins and Buckwheat, but politicians like Georgina Beyer, Louisa Wall and Jan Logie who have, and are, changing our nation for the better.  We are home to LGBTQIA+ artists and writers, like Toss Woolaston, Frank Sargeson, Keri Hulme and Emily Writes and sportspeople like Laurel Hubbard and Amini Tuitavake Britteon Fonua.  We are home to so many queer people supporting their communities like Mani Mitchell, Ngahuia Te Awekotuku and Mama Tere.  We have trans astronomers.  We have gay religious leaders.  We have takatāpui parents.


We have a rich and beautiful queer history full of stories that should be told.

I need to write this book to give readers a chance at a peek into those stories.  So young LGBTQIA+ folk regardless of where they come from, or what their families believe, know they can stand tall on the shoulders of others who have walked this path.


* I bought this book for my own gratification knowing it was well beyond their reading level/comprehension.  But even at ages 3 and 5 they were hooked on the combination of image and information.  Etta can quote Malala Yousafzai and Abby can quote Frida Kahlo and Emmaline Pankhurst - they loved learning about them so much.

** But if you'd ever asked me I would have told you.  Everyone always assumes I'm straight.

*** My sitting on her lap = no indication that she is queer or we were a couple.  She was just a good friend and she gave great hugs and made a good chair.

**** And I think he was only out because he was a punk so no-one messed with him.  We also had one out bi guy.  I am pretty sure he was teased, but he was so tall that I don't think anyone thought it was a great idea to take him on, but I could totally be wrong.

If you have any ideas or names of queer Kiwis that you think are important please let me know!  Comment here or send me an email at queervoicesaotearoa@gmail.com .  I will not be able to include everyone, but I do want to ensure those I do include are representative our Aotearoa's many diverse communities. 

I'm hoping to fundraise for this book via Kickstarter, but that won't be happening until I'm a little further long with researching, likely early next year.  So if you want to know more, or would like to show your support when the Kickstarter begins then subscribe to this blog as I will be posting regular progress updates.

Why I Work in Retail

Recent positive results toward achieving living wage in this sector have highlighted the level of this industry's pay inequity.  This makes the questions about why I choose to do what I do seem more pertinent than ever.  I  know the pay sucks.  But my peers, not always.  And while I've answered this question countless times on countless occasions, nothing I say seems to quite capture why I choose to work in this notoriously low paid industry.

Fresh faced for Video Ezy

I have almost always worked in customer service or retail in some form or other.  At high school I worked in our local garden centre cafe.  At University, I worked in a call centre (this 'crap job' turned into my first 'real job').  Whilst at Unitec I worked in a winery and Indian restaurant, then afterward at a specialty art supplies store and video shop.  When the recession hit and the 'real job' I had fell apart, retail welcomed me back.  And when my store management job dissolved whilst I was on maternity leave, I returned to work for a previous employer in - you guessed it - retail.

Retail work has always been there for me.  Retail work has always been a safe place for me.

While no-one ever says it, there's a reason why I'm asked so often why I work in retail.  There's a snobbery around it.  An assumption that retail is not a proper job, and as an educated, intelligent person I should want more.  As if I'm some sort of oddity underselling myself.  But the reality is that I'm not an outlier.  Retail is full of educated, intelligent men and women*.  And we're expected to want more.  More challenges, more opportunity to progress our careers, more recognition and more money.  And while I would love, and certainly deserve more money for what I do**, the truth is that for me retail meets those other needs, and more.

Me, working retail whilst pregnant,
featured in an article in the NZ Herald.
This was rewarding, challenging retail work.

I am challenged in my job and learn new things every single day.  Working where, and as I do requires nothing if not versatility.  While my primary role is serving customers, doing this well requires a broad skill set.  Communication skills, computer skills, basic mathematics, problem solving and conflict management are just a few.  I never know one day to the next whether I will need to become an expert on the mechanics of vacuums or if I'll be building a shelving unit.  I never feel bored at work.

And I am recognised.  Not just by my managers and my peers***, as someone who works hard, but by those that I serve.  While in retail we are often faced with uncomfortable or confronting situations with customers, but the majority of the time we are faced with kindness.  I have been told 'God bless you.' twice in the past week.  I am thanked from the heart by strangers every day.

Beaks, the beloved TY toucan  

 

And in turn I have a job where I feel I can impact the lives of others.  Yes, my primary role is selling products, but the best way to do that is to forge real connections.  And this is what drives me in my work.  I've seen a kid literally jump with glee when I found the specific TY toy (which wasn't on the shop floor) she desperately wanted for her Mum's birthday.  I've given a young new Mum advice on how to manage her obvious mastitis without spending more than she had on one of our breast-pumps****.  I've shared my struggles around having a kid with sensory issues with other Mums in the same boat.  I use my position in retail to forge connections and help others feel less alone.

Because the truth is that even though often we are surrounded with people, many of us are lonely.  We live in a country where many people don't have family close by.  We live in a country where societal expectations often do not gel with who we are.  We also live in a country where prejudice is a real problem, and this further alienates those communities with less support.  Kindness and connection is an essential part of disrupting that prejudice. 

While I can post meme's on Facebook 10 times a day about kindness and compassion, really, it's just words.  And these words do not go far.  Not far beyond my circle of friends and family, not crossing barriers of language or poverty.  At work I can smile at every person I see.  I can empathise with others struggles.  I can show kindness by sharing something of myself to help others*****.  And when I encounter anger or prejudice I can do my best to dismantle it using calmness and kindness.  This costs me nothing, and gives me so much back in return.  And I get paid to do it.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         *          *          *         

A sparrow from my left-handed bird drawing series

The other side of this is that I have a job that I can leave at work.  I cannot do my work from home.  I seldom get home and worry about work.  And that's important because I need to be present for my kids.  And I want to be present to pursue my other work.  Having a creative practice is like having a second job.  Regardless of what form it takes, or how much money it makes, this is work.  And this work is always on my mind.  Whatever project I'm working on lives within me.  Having a job that I can leave at work gives me space to live my life as a creative and a Mum.

This not only gives me a great sense of joy, but allows me to share this equilibrium with our kids.  Etta knows you can be a Mum, and have a job and be a writer.  She knows you can have exhibitions at home and make money from your art.  And she knows you have to work hard to do these things.  Through my creative practice our kids see that things don't always work out how you'd like, that what's important is to keep trying.  Sometimes Mum gets published, sometimes she doesn't.  But she keeps working, and trying to be better at doing what she loves.  And it shows them that while they are my world, my world is more than them.  And this makes their worlds bigger too.
    

I've always wanted to be on a game show!             
So glad we could show our kids our dreams can become a reality.

And working retail gives me time.  Part time, stable jobs that can work around having kids are difficult to come by.  Unless you work retail.  Here, I am blessed with a job that allows me to participate in the world and contribute to home finances, without compromising my need to be home.  And because I work so close to home, and in an understanding team (many of whom are also parents) if something goes wrong with the kids I can be there for them.

I know this is not possible for all working Mum's, and I am thankful to be in the position where I can have some flexibility.  As someone with diagnosed health, and mental health issues I need that time.  While I am a high functioning anxious person with endometriosis and adenomyosis, I am functional because have a lot of downtime.  I need adequate rest to manage my pain levels.  I need adequate rest to calm my busy brain.  And I need to be functional not just for my family, but for myself.

Because I've got shit to do!  I've got plans.  And while some of those plans involve creative ventures, and forging connection with others, another part of that is positive role-modeling for our kids.  I don't want them to believe that life is purely about work.  That amassing wealth is what they should strive for.  I want them to see the world is full of possibilities.  And if I can show them I can realise my dreams, this gives them the capacity to believe in their own potential to do so.

And this is made possible for me because I have flexibility in my work.  Because I work where I do.  And my job allows me to model the most important thing of all.  As Abby would say (it's Kindy's current whakatauki): Manaaki ki te katoa - Be kind to all.

Makyla Curtis, Renee Liang and me - the production team from The Kitchen

* But mostly women.

** I believe everyone deserves The Living Wage.  I am excited about the changes union action is bringing to the retail sector.

*** I cannot stress enough that not all retail work is amazing and flexible.  I have been very lucky in this respect.  I have managed to work for, and with amazing people, and my current work is no different.  The reason I am happy staying where I am, in spite of the pay is because of the team I work with.  Our managers lead by example.  Our merchandisers work their butts off (quite literally.  Lifting microwaves and boxes of sheets and plates and racks of clothing is not light work).  Our sales assistants are mostly like me - they care about people.  Their drivers for work, I suspect, are not so different from mine.  Our store is diverse which not only makes me lucky in the shared lunches department, but in learning about different cultures.  I work in a place where, for the most part, I feel appreciated and loved.  And I know this is not something that happens in every workplace.

**** Hand- expressing in a hot shower (she didn't even know you could hand-express), cabbage leaves, and if she has a temp get straight to her GP.

***** And I can merchandise the dolls section so that it's more reflective of the community I live in (more curvy, POC dolls in the front, less blonde barbies)

Failing the Challenge

Failure is an awful feeling.

Especially when it's a choice.

Because I did have a choice.  I could have held on and mucked through.  But the truth is that aside from the challenge last week was unpredictably tough.

A new recipe I made for the challenge -
Scottish oatcakes.  Quite tasty!  And cheap!

First off, the challenge was tougher than I thought it would be!  While it was different from the Ration Challenge in that I didn't feel that hard, aching hunger (I did make it halfway through the challenge), I did feel hungry at times.  I was much more anxious than usual as I knew how reliant I was on prep, and had to remember to bring the food I'd prepped with me to work.  My time felt much more precious.  And I had less of it than I had during last years challenge.  Even though I had more 'choice' in food than last time, it was still tough to eat the same thing for days in a row.  And even though those things were things I'd chosen that I like, the lack of variety was tough.

And then I got the headaches.  On the second day of the challenge I felt super wiped out and had a massive headache.  After school drop off, on the only day I have home alone, when I'm usually cleaning or writing, I went to bed to read and passed out for three hours.  The next day felt much the same, and not helped by a 5am start (Abby likes to wake up around then).  While I was hoping to have some time to rest and do food prep, after grocery shopping I had to pick Abby up from Kindy as she had a reaction to her immunisations which put everything - food, rest and work, into a spin.

My usual morning coffee           

When I saw my Mum before heading into work she told me the headaches were probably caffeine
withdrawal.  It seemed weird as I only have one coffee most mornings, and never had this when I did The Ration Challenge.  But the timing made sense.  I popped some paracetamol and headed into work.  Work was insane.  I'd forgotten we had a nursery sale on, which is always the busiest sale of all.  I worked extra hours to help out.  I was so busy, the headaches became some low background haze.

When I arrived home on Friday, I learned a dear friend had passed away on Thursday night.  It was expected, but still, grief hit me like a tidal wave.  And I had no food prepped.  After that, I just didn't have the resolve to continue.  All my resolve just left my body.

Had I been in the position of someone actually living below the line, I could not have done the things I did next.  I could not have afforded the petrol, or bus-fare to head North to say goodbye.

Even though I didn't finish the challenge, my circumstances really hit home to me how hard it would be to be in a less privileged position.

Had I been in the position of someone living below the line, there would be no way I could have gone to say goodbye.  We had to pay for the petrol to drive up to her Marae.  We had to find easy ways to feed the kids.  I needed to give her whanau a koha to help with the tangi.  She was loved by so many, it is no small thing.  And we are fortunate in that we can do that.  Not everyone can.  Even when they love someone with all their heart, not everyone has the option to drop everything to farewell their loved ones.

This privilege was reiterated when on driving home I got another headache.  This one put holes and rainbows through the left side of my vision.  This has happened to me before, and it was due to a severe sinus infection.  I then realised my earlier headaches probably weren't caffeine withdrawal*, but the beginning of this infection.  We drove straight from Northland to our local White Cross so I could get a check up and some meds.  Two more things that may not have been possible had I not been in the position to afford the emergency Drs fee, or the medication.

I do not regret opting out.  I needed to farewell my friend but I am so, so grateful that I am in the position that I could.

I know there is more to say, but right now I feel tired, hurt and raw.  So I will revisit this in the future.  In the meantime, I will take nothing for granted.

* Just in case, I've quit coffee anyway.  It had just become a habit after I had kids.  I never used to drink it.  To my knowledge, I've never experienced withdrawal symptoms from anything.  After hearing how bad they are, I have no desire to.

Prep for Living Below The Line

So I am starting this challenge tomorrow.

I just finished the last of my shopping (veges) and am feeling pretty good going in to this.  Certainly, compared to the Ration Challenge, this feels easier.

Last years Ration Challenge gave me this plus salt, lemon pepper, cinnamon, 125g of tofu, 170grams of carrots and 120 grams of peanuts.

This year, my $19.95 has bought me all this plus I have $2.03 left over to spend on small, cost calculated, extras from the pantry*.  I opted to just shop at my usual places that are easily accessible by foot, rather than going to the bulk foods store which is a bit further.  Shopping around is  something not always easy for someone on limited means.  All of this comes from Pak n Save Alderman Drive and our local Asian vege store - besides the pumpkin which was an impulse buy from Countdown when doing a fruit dash for kids lunches as it was just $2!

I feel like for me, this is plenty.  My $19.95 bought me 500g of rice, 6 eggs, 500g yellow split peas, 750g oats, a tin of creamed corn, tomatoes and coconut cream, a large pumpkin, about 1/2 a cup of roasted, salted peanuts, some popcorn kernels, 2 mushrooms, 2 lemons, some onions, a bag of carrots and a little bit of ginger and garlic.  It is definitely enough to make enough meals for me to live on.  And it wasn't all planned!  Although I am very much a planning down to the last cent kind of person, the pumpkin was so big and cheap I couldn't walk past it and I kinda splurged on mushrooms and lemons.  So I don't feel hard done by.

But there are some notable things missing.  Meat is expensive, and something that I lived without for years, so it was a no-brainer to not even bother.  Also, no dairy.  I had hoped I'd be able to afford some cheese, but the sacrifices I'd have had to have made for that cheese was not worth it.  Nor is there bread.  I could definitely not afford the gluten free bread I usually buy, nor is it worth it for me to buy $1 bread even though it would make this coming week easier**.  I really wanted to buy a bag of fruit, but when it came down to a choice between carrots and fruit, I went with carrots because they were cheaper, and also more flexible.  There are no quick meals here - besides porridge, carrots and eggs.  All my main meals take time and preparation.

Vege shopping (sans pumpkin)

There are no drink things here.  Even though I do drink coffee every morning, it hadn't crossed my mind until after I'd done my supermarket shop.  Not that I could afford it without cutting into other things.  And even then, it would have to be the cheapest instant coffee and I'd have to have it without milk, which is yuck.  And spend more on pantry sugar.  All round, it was not possible.  This week's 'coffee' will be lemon in hot water.  That way I still feel like I'm having 'something', while also having some vitamin C.

Because while this week is more vegeful than my Ration Challenge week, it still doesn't meet the nutritional minimum.  I've worked out I'll get about 3 or 4 out of my 5 plus a day from this.  So while it's ok, it's not ideal.  Looking at this picture, I have no idea where my calcium will be coming from, and I'm guessing there will be other things I've missed out on nutritionally given I'm not a trained nutritionist.

Tarka daal, YUM! (and cheap to make)      

 But I am excited about the meals!  I decided to base my food choices around healthy(ish) comfort foods that I usually eat.  So I'm making my favourite Taarka Daal, pumpkin soup, sweetcorn fritters and egg fried rice, in quantities that will give me multiple meals.  I will supplement this with 'found' salads, oat-flour flatbreads, carrot sticks and peanuts.

To make this experience more 'true' to living below the line, I will also not exercise any personal spending.  It feels silly to restrict one side of life, and not any other.  So no retail therapy, no Instant Kiwis (secret bad treat) and only free-to-air TV this week.

While I am not asking for donations directly, if you appreciate what I'm doing here, feel free to donate to Live Below the Line, the Ration Challenge ***, KidsCan or Foodbank New Zealand.

Watch this space for updates!




* Limited, cheap spices cost 10c per teaspoon, salt costs 1c per teaspoon, soy sauce costs 6c per Tbsp, canola oil costs 6c per Tbsp, brown sugar costs 25c for 1/4 cup, white flour costs 15c for 1 cup, baking powder costs 7c per tsp.  I'm not intending on using much of any of these.

** The only naughty for my health thing I bought was the onion, but that quantity spread over a week should not cause a drama.

*** If you don't know anyone doing the challenge, you can still donate!  What I did last year was topped up a few teams or individuals who were at the bottom of the leaderboards to help them feel more supported.  Great way to boost someone doing something super tough whilst giving to a great cause.

Why Food Challenges are important... to me anyway.

It's weird being middle class.  Having grown up very not middle class, it's confronting*.  It's a daily battle amalgamating two different sets of values.  And this reiterates to me just how much our childhood impacts us.  From the foods we like to eat, to the people we socialise with to the jobs we choose and the aspirations we have.  My childhood defines me, for both better and worse.

Growing up I never thought I would own my own home.

Living in relative comfort, I feel a sense of guilt every day.  I know what I have.  Poverty is not theoretical to me.  Not only have I been in this position, but I still have family in this position.  My daughter goes to a decile 3 school, a KidsCan school.  We can see the need for that support in our community.  Conversely, we have enough food to fill our kids lunchboxes.  We have enough money to pay our mortgage - we own a house in Auckland.  We have Netflix.  I know these are the sorts of things many people we know may take for granted as basics.  But I also know they aren't.

At the moment I'm feeling especially guilty because The Ration Challenge is starting again soon and I'm not doing it.

This year is a bit of a struggle for me.  My workload is heavy, family stuff is heavy and my health is suffering.  The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!  I struggled to get through my normal workload last year.  And currently, I'm working more than I was last year so it just doesn't feel feasible**.  Last year I got the shakes.  I cried.  I lost 2kg that week.  And I wasn't even living on the minimum.  As one of the fortunate folk connected enough to get good sponsorship, I enjoyed a few extras.  I can't imagine how hard it would have been without them.

I know I'm making the right decision.  But I still feel guilty.  It's not even just about the money.  After last years challenge, facing the reality of what thousands of people live with on a daily basis, I started donating a small amount monthly to Oxfam.  I know that even a small amount makes a difference.  But giving money isn't enough to assuage my guilt.

     The Ration Challenge is bloody tough!

Doing this challenge last year was hard, but doing it felt really good.  Not only because I raised much more money than I ever thought I could, but because it reminded me of just how lucky I am.  It reminded me how easy it might be for someone in my position to forget.  And that if someone's never felt hungry for longer than a few days, it is difficult for them to understand the long term impact of hunger.  In fact, every person I've spoken to who works in fundraising has said that the areas where people give the most, often have the least.  Fundraisers do better in low income areas, like Henderson and Mangere, than in places like Remuera or Parnell.  I think it's because in wealthy areas many have no concept of what it's like to live with so little.

Of course, many people rise from poverty to relative financial success who have also forgotten.  The two people foremost in my mind are our former PM John Key, and National MP Paula Bennett.  They too lived through tough times.  Both were reliant on government support for a time - John Key as a child who's mother was on the Widows Benefit, and Paula Bennett via the DPB as a young Mum.  I'm not saying they didn't work hard to get to where they are now.  I've seen the video of John Key working the stock market, pissing into a bottle.  I'm just saying that other people work just as hard and don't move far from where they started.  I'm scared that if I forget where I came from, if I forget how it feels to have less choice, to be hungry, I could easily be like them.

The Cycle of Poverty                 
It doesn't always look like this         
but a good overview nonetheless.       

So while I am not doing the Ration Challenge, I've decided I will do a food challenge.  After last year, I think I'm going to have to do one every year to ensure I don't forget.  This year I've decided I'm going to do the Live Below The Line challenge for 7 days instead.  The last time I planned on doing this I had to flag it as I found out I was pregnant with Etta the week before I was due to start...  Now the time for this actual challenge has already passed this year.  But given my goals are (in a way) selfish, there is no reason why I can't just do it anyway.

I have chosen this challenge because, while it feels as though it'll be easier than the Ration Challenge, it is still going to be a challenge.  I will have $19.95 to feed myself for seven days.  The main difference between this and The Ration Challenge is that I have some choice.  The Ration Challenge was particularly hard due to the dire lack of vegetables.  While the perks in the Ration Challenge did drive me to fundraise more, it simultaneously added to the stress of doing the challenge.  I know people who live on this amount, or a little less, or a little more, most weeks.  It is important that I remind myself of how it feels to be like them.  The flow on effect of having limited options.  And I can write about my experience and hope it gives an insight as to why it's so important to have compassion for those with limited means.

I also understand that donating money is a privilege.  Many want to give, but truly cannot.  Last year I felt as if a few of my friends and whanau felt bad about not donating, or not donating more.  I don't like making people feel bad.  So I'm not going to ask for donations on social media.  I will post some links in my blogs in case people want to donate independently, and will also provide links later on for places you can donate food or time to help those in need.

The wonderful, prolific vege, puha

Doing this off book means I'm allowing myself a couple of perks.  The perks are things we can all do to supplement our diet here in NZ, but were not possible in the Ration Challenge***.  Because I'm an experienced forager, and know many in poverty are not, I'm only going to forage basic foods found in most places around NZ - dandelion, puha, nasturtium, rosemary and wild fennel.  Equally, I've opted to spend a little of my $19.95 on pantry basics that will last six+ weeks, to trade (by value amount) for pantry basics I could conceivably have bought during previous weeks if this was my normal budget.  I've chosen salt, pepper, turmeric, garam masala, soy sauce and small amounts of flour and white sugar.

And because I don't want this to impact my family as much as The Ration Challenge did last year, I am doing it at a time that works best for us.  So my Challenge week will be the 21st to the 27th of May (after Etta's birthday celebrations are finished).  Last year the last night of the Ration Challenge fell on our annual Matariki celebration - which is literally a feast with old friends.  That was hard!  I'm also not taking on as many additional hours at work that week (this was hard in that I suck at saying no).  I know that doing this demonstrates my privilege, but I am making some allowances for my health this year.

Refugee camps in Jordan.  It's no small thing.

If you are in good health and want to understand what it's like to live with less, I highly recommend participating in The Ration Challenge.  It is tough, but it gives the gift of insight into how whole communities survive on so little.  It forces us to form communities, and support strangers.  The lessons I learned from doing this year are invaluable.  I cannot emphasise this enough.  And I promise I will sponsor you.

* Talk about First World Problems...

** In fact, Murray told me he was very glad I wasn't doing it again as last year was also tough on him and the kids...
*** Because it was emulating the situation for refugees in camps in Jordan, which are basically settled on dust.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 2

This post will focus on what makes abusers, and how we can change this.

Recent police data shows that the majority of those directly affected by violent crimes in Aotearoa are women (54%), and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male (76%).  And violence resulting in injury is perpetrated by a higher percentage of men (87%) against a higher percentage of women (65%).  While these stats also reflect that men are also victims, and women perpetrators, they are the minority.  3/4 of all violent crimes, and almost 90% of serious violent crimes (resulting in injury) are perpetrated by men. 

Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.

There is no 'male' or 'female' brain.  Just brain.

Why is this? It is often blamed on the 'male'* hormone testosterone, but this is a simplistic argument.  Metastudies have shown that in spite of popular opinion, there is little difference between the male and female brain.  Studies that have been touted as 'proving' difference based on gender have for the most part been discredited.  This is due to size (some referenced studies with as few as 12 participants), inconsistency in results, or showing too marginal a difference to be of note.  The only studies which have consistently shown any difference between men and women regard spacial visualisation abilities.  And even so, the difference is less than 5%.**  So testosterone and 'male brains' are not likely the culprits.

If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.

Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer.  And this illustrates an important point.  Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men.  We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars.  Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991.  Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.

So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible.  While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality.  And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.

This new tradition does not serve us.

We live in a time of gender reveal parties.  Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?'  When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from just 10 weeks into your pregnancy.  Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.

Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this.  As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing.  But kids don't live inside a vacuum.  Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes.  Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground.  I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'.  And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.

Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.

Because when we say this, kids hear us.  They hear that this is what we expect from them.  And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations.  They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl.  So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are.  And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.

There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture.  To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***.  In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry.  Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger.  On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger.  And how can we expect any different?  If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?

 Voices like John Kirwin's and Mike King's are so important.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.

I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.

It doesn't feel nice hurting people.  Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority.  Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard.  For anyone.  Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions.  Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves.  For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them.  It's a lot to process.  I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally.  Equality is a two way street.  Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women?  Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.

So what can we do to change this?

There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities.  It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it.  Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.

• Educate ourselves on our countries history.  Use this education to help us acknowledge the impact colonialism had, and still has on Māori.
  
• Educate ourselves on what abuse looks like.  There are plenty of resources online, and many courses you can do.  Can you recognise systemic abuse?  Can you recognise fiscal abuse?  Can you recognise emotional abuse?
  
• Educate ourselves on the links between sexism, racism, abelism and abuse.  Understanding this will help us teach our children differently (hopefully).
  Good on ya Kanoa!
  

• Vote for political parties that acknowledge this issue and are willing to do the work to make relevant changes in law reform, mental health outreach and support, and equality.
  
• Support your local woman's refuge however you can.  Equally, support programmes that support men in accessing and managing their emotions.  Do not assume all programmes out there are helpful, or that if someone is attending one they will be 'better'.*****  This is not a simple problem that can easily be fixed.
  
• If abuse has happened in your family try and work through the shame.  Seek help to address proactive ways of managing what has happened through counseling, or talking with people that you trust.  We need to erase the stigma around abuse.
  
• Make sure your children understand what emotions are, why they are feeling them, and things they can do to manage those feelings.
  
• Do not tolerate violence in your own home (where possible).
  
• Realise this is not a black and white issue.  There are many sides to any story, and while all are relevant, resolutions should focus on respecting boundaries set for safety.
  
• Act with kindness.
  
• Share what you learn with your loved ones and children.

* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.

**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.

*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong.  It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it.  The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men.  Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't.  Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.

**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.

***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 1

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Which, if you read my blog regularly, may come as no surprise.  But recent events, both personal and political have caused me to need to speak.  This week I read about a friend celebrating her one year anniversary since her stalker was convicted.  I have heard Brian Tamaki threaten prison riots and minimise rape purely because his Man Up courses have not been instituted in prisons.  This week I had my voice silenced by someone I've known for most of my life, simply for speaking about the impact of abuse.  I am probably not saying anything on this topic that hasn't already been said.  In fact, I read a fantastic article about this on Noted earlier this week.

How can any person run a course on violence who
incites and promotes violence himself?            

 

But for me, blogging feels like taking action.  I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing.  On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't.  This isn't easy for me.  But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes.  I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day.  And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.

Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser.  Every one of us.

Even if we don't know it. 

Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse.  What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives.  Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner.  90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim.  33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.  Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family.  This is not easy to talk about.

      Everyone should be familiar with this

Secondly, many people do not understand what abuse looks like.  Abuse is not always bruises and black eyes, or hate speech or unwanted sexual contact.  Abuse can be many things.  Abuse can be someone using finances as a mean of controlling your behavior.  It can be having threats made against pets or loved ones.  It can be acts of violence against inanimate objects.  The cycle of violence is a great resource to refer to if you are questioning whether something happening in your life constitutes abuse.

For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked.  I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's.  The infrequent smacking was never the problem.  For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear.  That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated.  I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family.  And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true.  It wasn't.  But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood. 

Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.

For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD.  Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently.  Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally.  Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people.  They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love.  Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.

My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder.  But basically, I have CPTSD*.  This is a lifelong diagnoses.  I have always had it.  I always will.  I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.'  I am anxious, particularly about social situations.  I take medication to manage this.  If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional.  I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes.  This feeling often makes me question my existence.  I have attempted suicide.  I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**.  I am sensitive to the emotions of others.  I am easily startled.

These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out.  How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others?  How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?

If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse.  Abusers are manipulative.  They are often charming and affable.  And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power.  Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. 
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.

We have a system that saw no issue
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.  

If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa.  Our country is premised on it.  Colonialism is an abuse of power to the advantage of the colonisers.  The colonisers here still benefit from this.  The people who were here first still suffer for it***.  Much of our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools.  I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year.  There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo.  Because it benefits them.  And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.'  Or, they are arrested, or discredited.

We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance.  This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****. 
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation.  The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap.  Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.

So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament.  There is so much work to do!

We live within a power structure which is inherently abusive.  This is why it is so easy for many of us to miss it, or to ignore it.  If we are at the top of the heap and doing ok, it is simply easier to shrug our shoulders than to acknowledge that which doesn't directly affect us.  If we are not, our voices are ignored.

And I cannot ignore this.  I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis.  To people I care about.  And no-one deserves this.  I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation.  What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties.  This was not an easy place to get to.  It took me almost 40 years.  As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision.  But becoming a parent simplified things for me.

When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate.  And I do not want this legacy for my children.

I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids.  Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves.  When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too.  I grew up like this.  Most of us will have grown up like this.  'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.

So I'm working to change this.  For me, therapy was helpful.  Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me.  When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing.  My mental health compounded this.  But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations.  I sought help from Maternity Mental Health.  I did a parenting course.  I work hard to do the best I can by our kids.  I make mistakes.  I make a lot of mistakes.  But I try to learn from my mistakes.  From my families mistakes.

My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand.  But I can work on the culture in our home.

Part two to follow soon! 

*  This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.

** I have a sleep routine.  I have my Shakti mat.  If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does.  If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.

*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats.  Or read my last blog for a link

**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it.  His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team.  And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby.  If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.