On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 2

This post will focus on what makes abusers, and how we can change this.

Recent police data shows that the majority of those directly affected by violent crimes in Aotearoa are women (54%), and perpetrators are overwhelmingly male (76%).  And violence resulting in injury is perpetrated by a higher percentage of men (87%) against a higher percentage of women (65%).  While these stats also reflect that men are also victims, and women perpetrators, they are the minority.  3/4 of all violent crimes, and almost 90% of serious violent crimes (resulting in injury) are perpetrated by men. 

Crimes of a violent nature are overwhelmingly a male problem.

There is no 'male' or 'female' brain.  Just brain.

Why is this? It is often blamed on the 'male'* hormone testosterone, but this is a simplistic argument.  Metastudies have shown that in spite of popular opinion, there is little difference between the male and female brain.  Studies that have been touted as 'proving' difference based on gender have for the most part been discredited.  This is due to size (some referenced studies with as few as 12 participants), inconsistency in results, or showing too marginal a difference to be of note.  The only studies which have consistently shown any difference between men and women regard spacial visualisation abilities.  And even so, the difference is less than 5%.**  So testosterone and 'male brains' are not likely the culprits.

If it's not nature, then surely it's nurture.

Aotearoa's 'culture' of the 1960's (when my Mother was born) was all about rugby racing and beer.  And this illustrates an important point.  Because rugby, racing and beer were just for men.  We may have won the right to vote before other nations (thanks to the temperance movement) but, prior to 1961 women weren't allowed to drink in public outside of hotel bars.  Women could not be professional jockey's until 1978 and we did not have an international women's rugby team until 1991.  Although this was recognised as quintessentially 'Kiwi' culture, for decades our culture excluded women.

So many of us have grown up with an image of New Zealand in which our women were rendered invisible.  While this is changing (slowly, we still have more 'John's' in the boardroom than women...) we still have a long way to go in terms of gender equality.  And we constantly seem to be roadblocking that by creating new trends that mark gender.

This new tradition does not serve us.

We live in a time of gender reveal parties.  Where the first question many of us are asked when we discover we will become parents is 'Would you prefer a girl or a boy?'  When you can get blood tests that can determine your babies gender from just 10 weeks into your pregnancy.  Before these tiny humans are even born, their gender is considered the most important thing about them.

Even if like me, you've tried really hard to avoid this.  As a feminist with a strong desire to build a better world for the next generation I have worked hard to avoid gender typing.  But kids don't live inside a vacuum.  Etta was teased by other girls at Kindy for wearing 'boy' clothes.  Now, at not quite six she and her friends are already struggling with physical intimidation by boys in the playground.  I've sat in school assemblies where playground violence has been quietly attributed to 'the boys'.  And even while this may be true, and even while they were being told it was wrong, telling them this is what boys do is not helping.

Even though it mightn't seem so, it's as bad as saying 'boys will be boys'.

Because when we say this, kids hear us.  They hear that this is what we expect from them.  And because gender is talked about as an important defining part of who they are, they want to meet those expectations.  They want to play the part expected of them so they can be a 'good' boy or girl.  So if we tell our boys they are rough, unemotional and not good with words, and we tell our girls to be pretty, they will work hard to be what we say they are.  And this doesn't serve anyone, particularly our kids.

There are many things our violence rates illustrate about what is wrong in our culture.  To me though, the biggest one is that boys need to be allowed, and taught how to manage their emotions and that it's ok to cry***.  In Aotearoa particularly, men are expected to be staunch, to be strong, to not cry.  Sometimes it feels like the only emotion are boys are expected to express is anger.  On many occasions I've seen men I know struggling to process emotion go straight to anger.  And how can we expect any different?  If they are not taught to feel and manage other emotions, where else can they go?

 Voices like John Kirwin's and Mike King's are so important.
What would help even more if someone came out about addressing their anger.

I expect our ever increasing male suicide rates might answer this question.

It doesn't feel nice hurting people.  Yes, there are certainly sadists out there who get a kick out of it, but I believe they are the minority.  Acknowledging that we have hurt someone is hard.  For anyone.  Particularly hard if you don't know how to deal with your emotions.  Statistics show that many perpetrators of abuse were abused themselves.  For those people, they not only have to process their mistakes, but they have to process what happened to them.  It's a lot to process.  I am not justifying abuse as a course of action here, I am simply saying that we need to do more to support our men emotionally.  Equality is a two way street.  Why shouldn't men have the same tools as women?  Not having them is literally killing them, and in the process, us.

So what can we do to change this?

There are many small things we can do to change this culture of abuse, within our own homes, families and communities.  It will take time to change, but it won't change at all if we don't do anything about it.  Here are a few simple things we can do to change this culture.

• Educate ourselves on our countries history.  Use this education to help us acknowledge the impact colonialism had, and still has on Māori.
  
• Educate ourselves on what abuse looks like.  There are plenty of resources online, and many courses you can do.  Can you recognise systemic abuse?  Can you recognise fiscal abuse?  Can you recognise emotional abuse?
  
• Educate ourselves on the links between sexism, racism, abelism and abuse.  Understanding this will help us teach our children differently (hopefully).
  Good on ya Kanoa!
  

• Vote for political parties that acknowledge this issue and are willing to do the work to make relevant changes in law reform, mental health outreach and support, and equality.
  
• Support your local woman's refuge however you can.  Equally, support programmes that support men in accessing and managing their emotions.  Do not assume all programmes out there are helpful, or that if someone is attending one they will be 'better'.*****  This is not a simple problem that can easily be fixed.
  
• If abuse has happened in your family try and work through the shame.  Seek help to address proactive ways of managing what has happened through counseling, or talking with people that you trust.  We need to erase the stigma around abuse.
  
• Make sure your children understand what emotions are, why they are feeling them, and things they can do to manage those feelings.
  
• Do not tolerate violence in your own home (where possible).
  
• Realise this is not a black and white issue.  There are many sides to any story, and while all are relevant, resolutions should focus on respecting boundaries set for safety.
  
• Act with kindness.
  
• Share what you learn with your loved ones and children.

* Women produce testosterone too... Just in smaller amounts.

**Please read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info.

*** The flip side of this is, of course, that girls need to it's ok to be strong.  It's ok to go against the grain and they shouldn't be punished for it.  The other thing those stats illustrated is that females are more likely to suffer a violent assault than men.  Sadly, other data shows that girls who grow up in a home where their Mum is abused by their Dad are six times more likely to experience sexual abuse, than girls who don't.  Equally, a young boy witnessing his mother being abused is 10 times more likely to abuse a future female partner.

**** I've been to a few domestic violence groups now where women have said their partners/ex-partners used their anger management classes as justification for their behavior/ to minimise the abuse they perpetrated.

***** Although it overwhelmingly impacts on trans folk more than any other group, queer people and women.

On NZd's Culture of Abuse Part 1

So I've been thinking about this a lot lately.  Which, if you read my blog regularly, may come as no surprise.  But recent events, both personal and political have caused me to need to speak.  This week I read about a friend celebrating her one year anniversary since her stalker was convicted.  I have heard Brian Tamaki threaten prison riots and minimise rape purely because his Man Up courses have not been instituted in prisons.  This week I had my voice silenced by someone I've known for most of my life, simply for speaking about the impact of abuse.  I am probably not saying anything on this topic that hasn't already been said.  In fact, I read a fantastic article about this on Noted earlier this week.

How can any person run a course on violence who
incites and promotes violence himself?            

 

But for me, blogging feels like taking action.  I only voice things publicly when I feel that if just one person reads this and learns something from it then it's worth sharing.  On topics around trauma, I speak because I know so many can't.  This isn't easy for me.  But I'm a strong believer that the personal is political and I know that the small things we say and do can make big changes.  I believe this, because I see it happening in both good and bad ways every day.  And I think this is particularly true to us here in Aotearoa, where each one of us is a greater percentage of population than in larger countries.

Here in Aotearoa, every single one of us will know both someone who has been abused, and someone who is an abuser.  Every one of us.

Even if we don't know it. 

Those who are abused are often not in a position to come forward about their abuse.  What I mean by this is that coming forward may risk victims of abuse a loss in financial or family support, or even their lives.  Almost 75% of domestic violence homicides happen while the person is trying to leave, or in the two weeks after they leave their violent partner.  90% of sexual assault is perpetrated by someone known to the victim.  33 - 39% of women in New Zealand experience physical or sexual violence from an intimate partner.  Our abusers are our partners, lovers, friends and family.  This is not easy to talk about.

      Everyone should be familiar with this

Secondly, many people do not understand what abuse looks like.  Abuse is not always bruises and black eyes, or hate speech or unwanted sexual contact.  Abuse can be many things.  Abuse can be someone using finances as a mean of controlling your behavior.  It can be having threats made against pets or loved ones.  It can be acts of violence against inanimate objects.  The cycle of violence is a great resource to refer to if you are questioning whether something happening in your life constitutes abuse.

For me, growing up with abuse was not about getting smacked.  I did, but not often and never with undue force and smacking was pretty normal in the 80's.  The infrequent smacking was never the problem.  For me, the abuse was more about a sense of fear.  That if I said the wrong thing, there would be consequences, and these consequences were demonstrated.  I was 13 when Once Were Warriors was released and I saw it in the cinema with my family.  And my family said 'this is not us'. And that was true.  It wasn't.  But I still didn't think I would survive my childhood. 

Even when abuse does not leave a physical mark, it leaves a mark.

For children growing up with abuse this mark often takes the form of Complex PTSD.  Young children who suffer abuse or neglect have brains that are wired differently.  Their neurological pathways are not able to develop normally.  Children who have grown up with abuse struggle with many things others take for granted like regulating their emotions, sleeping or trusting other people.  They struggle with self image and feeling worthy of love.  Those with Complex PTSD are far more likely to attempt suicide than those without.

My actual diagnoses are PTSD and Dissociative Disorder.  But basically, I have CPTSD*.  This is a lifelong diagnoses.  I have always had it.  I always will.  I have no idea what it feels like to be 'normal.'  I am anxious, particularly about social situations.  I take medication to manage this.  If I don't, it takes so much energy to go to work, or take the kids to Kindy and school I become non-functional.  I often feel that I am wearing a 'human suit' and staring out through the eye holes.  This feeling often makes me question my existence.  I have attempted suicide.  I have bouts of insomnia but I've learned ways to manage this**.  I am sensitive to the emotions of others.  I am easily startled.

These marks compound mine, and others, ability to speak out.  How does one speak out if they do not feel they can trust others?  How does an emotionally fragile person present as a viable witness?

If we contrast that with the skills we know perpetrators of abuse often have, it is easy to see why it's simply easier to ignore abuse.  Abusers are manipulative.  They are often charming and affable.  And they are all of these things precisely because if they weren't, it would be difficult to maintain their position of power.  Wikipedia defines abuse as:
The improper usage or treatment of a thing, often to unfairly or improperly gain benefit. 
Abusers treat people improperly for their own gain.

We have a system that saw no issue
in raiding Ruatoria for fear of an 'uprising',
yet turned a blind eye to known concerns in Christchurch.  

If we look at this from a wider angle it makes it easier to understand why we are so accepting of abuse here in Aotearoa.  Our country is premised on it.  Colonialism is an abuse of power to the advantage of the colonisers.  The colonisers here still benefit from this.  The people who were here first still suffer for it***.  Much of our history is still not taught in New Zealand schools.  I only just learned the true origins of the ANZAC's this year.  There is a reason for this. That reason is simply that those in power want to keep the status quo.  Because it benefits them.  And when this is challenged by someone who is unhappy with the power imbalance, they are painted as 'extreme' 'crazy' or 'stuck in the past.'  Or, they are arrested, or discredited.

We have the same problem regarding attempts to right our gender imbalance.  This week Sean Plunkett said: Within the next two years, the liberal left wing woke feminazis will call for the banning of rugby entirely****. 
Every time some ground appears to be made up for women like by, say, the #metoo movement, or having a new bill passed through parliament to grant leave to those trying to leave abusive situations, some old white dude tries to redirect the conversation.  The reason for this is because these old white dudes are desperate to stay at the top of the heap.  Every time a privileged white dude says 'it happens to men too.' or 'Not all men' he is basically just desperately trying to stay relevant in a world where he can see his position slipping.

So grateful to have so many amazing women
in parliament.  There is so much work to do!

We live within a power structure which is inherently abusive.  This is why it is so easy for many of us to miss it, or to ignore it.  If we are at the top of the heap and doing ok, it is simply easier to shrug our shoulders than to acknowledge that which doesn't directly affect us.  If we are not, our voices are ignored.

And I cannot ignore this.  I cannot ignore this because it happened to me, and I see it happening to others on a daily basis.  To people I care about.  And no-one deserves this.  I have come to a point in my life which I call PFO - Post Family Obligation.  What that means is I refuse to feel obligated for the sake of blood ties.  This was not an easy place to get to.  It took me almost 40 years.  As an eldest child, as an empathetic, educated child within a family that I love dearly, this was not an easy decision.  But becoming a parent simplified things for me.

When we ignore abuse, it allows this cycle to perpetuate.  And I do not want this legacy for my children.

I know that if I allow behavior that I know is not ok to continue, this impacts my kids.  Not just because it heightens the possibility of them being abused, but because they learn to allow it themselves.  When I excuse the obviously hurtful behaviors of others, it teaches them to excuse them too.  I grew up like this.  Most of us will have grown up like this.  'She'll be right' is part of our Kiwi culture.

So I'm working to change this.  For me, therapy was helpful.  Particularly going to group therapy and meeting other people with similar backgrounds to me.  When I became a parent of two it became apparent I did not know what I was doing.  My mental health compounded this.  But I did not want to repeat the mistakes of prior generations.  I sought help from Maternity Mental Health.  I did a parenting course.  I work hard to do the best I can by our kids.  I make mistakes.  I make a lot of mistakes.  But I try to learn from my mistakes.  From my families mistakes.

My obligation to them is more important than any other obligation.
I cannot change New Zealand.  But I can work on the culture in our home.

Part two to follow soon! 

*  This term wasn't in common usage when I was diagnoses 17 or so years ago.

** I have a sleep routine.  I have my Shakti mat.  If my brain won't shut up, I read until I'm so exhausted that it does.  If my anxiety is so bad none of this helps, I take Phenergan, a simple hayfever medication, because sleeping meds do not work for me.

*** Just make an effort to read any of our current median wage stats, or NZ prison stats, or education stats.  Or read my last blog for a link

**** I comfortably consider myself to be a liberal left wing woke feminazi, and while I have little to no interest in watching rugby, I personally have no interest in banning it.  His very suggestion completely ignores the fact that the Black Ferns exist, and have the highest winning percentage of any international rugby team.  And no, I don't just mean in Women's rugby - all rugby.  If I were able to make any changes to rugby it would simply be to give the Black Ferns the props (pun intended), and the income, they deserve.