On Gender Neutral Parenting (again)

 Because this is how advertising for Lego has changed over 40 years...
 

I've talked about this a bit before in this post from last year and this one.  And I'm going to talk about it again because it's important, and becomes more obviously so the bigger the kidlets get. (And three posts about something important to me over three years isn't really too much, is it?)

The first thing I need to say about our choice in parenting is that it is not about us as parents.  It's about our kids.  I do not do this to feel 'special*' or 'unique' or 'on trend' - I do this because I think it is the best way to grow happy children.

And why will choosing to parent this way make them happy?  Because it allows us to support them in doing whatever pursuits they enjoy most.  We are trying to create a safe environment for them to learn and grow in where they feel comfortable being true to themselves.  If instead we create an environment where we expect that a girl does X thing and a boy does Y thing, if a girl happens to like doing Y thing (or vice-versa) there is a high chance they will end up feeling guilty or uncomfortable about it.  And that's not something we want our kids to feel.

We don't want our kids to grow up thinking it's not ok for boys to cry or for girls to speak their mind.  We don't want them to grow up feeling that they are inferior in any way because of their gender, or that others are.  We don't want gender to impede on their interests and progress.  Instead, we want to encourage all feelings, all interests and all learning we possibly can.

But it's a fact: boys-prefer-cars-and-girls-prefer-dolls you say?  Most studies show this is only true when it is reinforced that boys should play with 'boys toys' and vice versa for girls.  So what I'm saying is that boys prefer to play with 'boys toys' because they are encouraged to do so.  Children pick up on our tone of voice, body language and the type of language we use.  Even if we don't actively say 'play with the boy toy' if we indicate we have a preference for what toys they play with (and how they play with them) they will do their best to please us.  Children display a preference to certain 'gendered' toys when they are rewarded for doing so.  This may be by the smile of a parent or other adult, or because of the responses of their peers.  Which is why often childrens colour preferences change once they start going to kindy, daycare or school as they interact with more people.  It's not because girls are innately attracted to the colour pink.

So if we do our best not to show a preference for what our children play with, or how they play we allow them to learn a wider range of skills than if we only showed a preference for certain toys.  They may prefer playing with dolls to cars, but if they want to play with cars that's ok too.  This is important because children learn through play.  We ensure they have a wide array of things to play with to encourage learning a wide range of skills.

But-it's-pointless-cos-girls-and-boys-are-innately-different you say?  Science (for the most part) says  you're wrong.  There are very few differences between boys and girls.  Most gendered brain theories (which have been latched onto by the media resulting in all kinds of craziness) are based on very small scale studies (the MRI brain activity ones being as small as 16 adults) and are in the minority of neurological gender studies.  And neurological studies on adults are not helpful in proving innate differences between male and female humans anyway because our experiences in life affect our neural pathways.  So there is no telling whether the differences in adult brains are due to biology or experience.  And because we live in such a strongly gendered society, our experiences as men and women differ greatly.  The reason we only hear about the ones which show a difference between boys and girls (or men and women) is because it's more newsworthy than the greater quantity of studies which show little to no difference whatsoever.  So all that boys-are-better-at-spacial stuff and girls-are-better-with-language stuff is bunkum.**

So do I get upset when strangers misgender my kids?  No.  It's irrelevant.  I don't even correct them most of the time.  I purposefully dress my kids gender neutral*** to avoid incurring strongly gendered language from strangers (because strangers love to talk to parents with small children about the gender traits of their child because it's the only information they have to talk about).  Babies look like babies - how could they possibly know that Abby's a girl?   Gender is not the most important aspect of a person - it's just an aspect of a person.

Living in a society that creates a dichotomy around gender is unhealthy.  This is evidenced in our rape culture, our domestic violence rates, our hard man culture and our crazy high male suicide rates.  How do I fight this for the future generation?  By doing my best to change the current culture.  And change begins at home.  Yes, our kids will pick this dichotomy up from the media, their friends, their family etc.  No, I won't hide them under a rock and make them crazy hermit people (that's just as messed up as thigh gap****).  But what I can do is set up a strong foundation for them to understand that (for the most part) gender is a social construct and they are capable of doing many things regardless of their gender.

 Because not only is this dichotomy unhealthy for men and women, but it doesn't take into account everyone in between.  While intersex folk make up only 0.05% of the NZ population, that's still over 200,000 people in New Zealand who are not represented here.  How do you think this makes them feel?  How would you feel if because of this dichotomy you were basically treated as a non person?  If we focus less on putting folk into gender boxes, and more on other things, the world might start to be kinder to our trans communities (who top the charts in depression, addiction and suicide rates) who's only crime is trying to be themselves.  If gender wasn't deemed such a black and white thing, maybe people wouldn't get so het up about people's choices regarding their gender/gender expressions?

I want my kids to be happy in themselves whoever that self may be.  That means if they want to play drums - all good.  If they want to play board-games - all good.  If they want to play netball or rugby or pursue dancing or design or dirt bike racing - all good.  I just want them to feel free to participate in life to the fullest.  It means encouraging diverse learning so they are able to explore a wide range of activities and feel confident doing so.  So if they want a Star Wars birthday party they can have a Star Wars birthday party.  It's at the peak of the zeitgeist right now.  It's not that weird.

 Because why wouldn't anyone love Darth Vader?  Just look at that face.

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So, what can you do to help us parent our kids this way/parent your kids this way?

1) Read Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How To Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes by Christia Spears Brown.  I have read a LOT of books on this topic, but this is the best.  Least extreme, well researched and most realistic in terms of actual parenting.  Seriously, it's a good, easy read (I read it in under a week with baby brain) and sums up most things I could possibly say regarding gender, feminism and parenting.  You can request it from the library.  It's totally accessible.  And if you would prefer reading something written by a Kiwi read Fathers Raising Daughters by Nigel Latta.  Not actually for Dad's specifically.  Or about daughters specifically.  Great no nonsense ideas for everyone.

2) If books are too hard (and I totally understand this) here are some practical things you can do to help:

- If you still don't understand - ask us questions.  Please.  We are happy to answer them.  We want you to understand, not to feel confused and upset and just generally think we're jerks.  We're not trying to be jerks.  We don't want to be jerks.  Lets start a dialogue.

- Try not to make a deal of gender around the kids.  No 'boys will be boys' or 'that's not very ladylike' talk.  And if you catch yourself doing it (cos it is hard to stop, it's culturally ingrained) just say 'Oops!  What I meant to say was ....'  No-one's perfect (including us).

- Don't make a deal over what the kids are wearing or playing with.  Regardless of if it's a dress or a doll or a truck or a potato.  Don't make it a thing - they're just kids being kids.  Get on board with whatever they're doing/playing and have fun!

- Try to avoid stereotyping - of any kind - about anyone.  Kids are malleable.  They take that stuff on board and it feeds into the gender dichotomy.  If you say 'all boys are penguins' they could take you at your word.  Just saying.  Not helpful.  And not true.

- Re: gifts.  Anything we deem inappropriate (strongly gender biased/pinkpinkpink/promoting negative body image) will 'disappear'.  Please don't take offense, we are just trying to be good parents to our kids.  There are heaps of toys and clothes that are appropriate.  There are 'experience' gifts (Groupons, zoo passes etc).  Or educational stuff.  Or instruments.  Or craft/building stuff.  Or books.  Or ask us what the kids are into.  Or better yet - just come hang out.  We have enough things.

- Please don't make negative comments about peoples gender preference or sexuality.  Kids can hear you, even when you're not talking to them directly.  And what they don't understand, they will interpret for themselves.

There are a heap more, but that's enough writing for today...

Basically, all we're trying to do is not limit our kids potential - and you can help us by not imposing limits on them either.  Think about what limits were (or weren't for those with progressive parents) imposed on you as a child.  How would your life be different if they hadn't (or had) been?  This is all we want for our kids.

* I am pointing this out because certain people close to us/our children seem to have latched onto this notion.  It's just not true.  And pointing this out to us, and to them, and to strangers is totally unhelpful.  I wish we weren't going against the grain.  I wish this were the status quo.  I feel like it's crazy that we live in an environment that is still so pervasively sexist so many years after the 'feminist revolution'.  Pointing this point of difference out in front of our kids undermines the entire reason for us doing this - to make them feel comfortable being who they are.  If it is made a focal point it will become a 'thing', rather than just something normal, which is the goal.

** Read Delusions of Gender by Cordelia Fine for more info on this.

*** Etta chooses her own clothes these days which arrive via hand-me-downs and things she helps us choose for her.  Her favorite colour is still yellow and she tends to choose clothing items based on what's on them rather than their colour.  Her favorite shoes are black and purple and light up when she jumps.  Her wardrobe is an assorted rainbow of things as we have no bans on colours and shop across boy/girl sections based on what she prefers (cos dinosaurs and monsters and penguins and pink and blue things are for everyone).  Now she is walking confidently there are dresses in there too, which she has just started feel comfortable wearing as more every-day wear, but she is generally most happy wearing just a nappy, or nothing at all (which is totally fine with us.  When else do you get to be nakey whenever you like?  It's one of the perks of being a kid as far as I'm concerned) .

**** Check out #5: Men think it's Super Hot.  What men?  When?  I have heard many men utter an array of sexual things at women, but never have I ever heard them yell 'Damn girl, your thigh gap is bangin!'  And even if they did, why should we change our bodies to cater for men?  They're our bodies!  They're for us.  All round crazy.