On sexism and the election

I cried when she stood down.  I was heartbroken.

Other people have written about this far eloquently than I, with better researched arguments and more politico savvy.  But someone said something to me the other day which made me feel like I had more to add.  So I may just be reiterating things you already know, and things you've read about before.  But regardless, I need to say it.

Never in my lifetime has NZd's political sexism been as transparent as it is in the lead up to this election.

Well, maybe it has.  Maybe it's just the first time we've had strong female leaders at the helm for a while.  Regardless of why, it is a phenomenon which makes me feel physically ill.

In the lead up to this election we have seen three party leaders use tax payers money in a fraudulent manner.  For one of whom, the fraud was historical and self-admitted.  For the other two the fraud happened whilst they were in parliament, and was uncovered by researchers or the media.  Two of these party leaders are still leaders running in this election.  Neither of these leaders outed themselves about the fraud and one of these leaders is the current Prime Minister of New Zealand.

The one who is no longer a leader has also been strongly nominated as the 2017 New Zealander of the Year.  And whilst stepping down as leader was entirely Metiria's choice - it was understandable given the immense pressure she and her family were under following her admission.  Whilst the media pursued the other leaders too, the ferocity with which they came after Metiria was jaw dropping with some calling for her resignation.  While both Bill English and Winston Peters paid back the money they had appropriated whilst in government, their public admonishments were not nearly as strong as that received by Turei even though their fraud was committed whilst they were in government and earning a decent income.

Why is this?

I postulate there are three parts to it.  The first part is that New Zealanders love to hate beneficiaries.  This is bolstered by the current governments constant painting of them as criminal fraudsters living it up large on the tax payer dollar.  It is easy to kick those that are already down, so even though benefit fraud only accounts for a small proportion of other types of fraud in NZ (like tax avoidance) beneficiaries are relentlessly hounded by the MSD and the media.*  So even though Turei's fraud was historical and circumstantial she was 'one of them' and needed to be taken down.

The second part to this is that like many women do, Metiria chose to put her family before her work.  Whilst the majority of her party were in support of her staying and staying would have been more powerful in terms of the argument she was trying to make, she put the needs of her family (namely her elderly mother) first.  It is difficult for me to see either Bill English or Winston Peters feeling the imperative to make the same choice.  And truthfully, I think it's because they're pākehā (or pākehā valued) men.  Whilst both are parents, and probably also someones kids, they don't have the same direct responsibilities as Metiria as a solo parent or as a Māori woman.

I don't know the stats.  My evidence is mostly anecdotal (but there are papers on it so it's obviously a thing) and based on my understanding of Te Ao Māori and experiences.  But overwhelmingly, I have seen women of colour - especially Māori and Pasifika women - to have different responsibilities than pākehā women.  They are often directly responsible for the care of other family members - siblings, parents, Grandchildren, cousins, nephews and nieces.  And if not directly responsible, they often still have a level of responsibility for care within the whanau - driving elderly relatives to hospital appointments, or financially supporting extended family members. 

These are not responsibilities easily understood by pākehā.

I think the third factor in Metiria's treatment is that she is not just a woman, but a Māori woman.  Whilst pākehā do also care for extended family directly or financially (this is the case within my own family), it is the exception rather than the rule.  Whanaungatanga is an important part of te ao Māori - so caregiving is a cultural expectation.  Metiria has lived with responsibilities misaligned with pākehā values and a strongly pākehā government.  This is part of who she is.  And this has been interpreted negatively because of her admission of benefit fraud, which was (again) done to aid her family.

I do not think she intentionally martyred herself for her people.  There were a lot of factors in her downfall, but from my perspective the biggest factor by far is that her experience as a woman, a caregiver and a mother, is not one often pitched from parliament.  Hearing a woman's experience - in particular a struggling Māori woman's perspective, is confusing.  Because we do not hear it often enough.  Because women's experiences are largely not valued by our government.

So that's half of it.

Jacinda Ardern: A New Hope? 

Now lets talk about Jacinda.

I don't even know where to start.  Do I start with the fact that her clothing choices are questioned in a way male political leaders aren't?  Or the fact that someone decided that her choices regarding procreation were a political issue?  Or the fact that  a prominent business man thought it acceptable to describe her as a 'pretty little thing'?  These are just the superficial issues.

The things regarding Jacinda that have irked me the most have been less obvious, and are things that as a woman she probably has dealt with her entire life.  The first of which is mansplaining.

This is probably just a personal bugbear.  Men do it to me all the time - including my partner** and I fucking hate it.  This makes me feel that my intelligence, experience and personhood has been written off in an instant purely because of my gender.  And it sucks!  I'm an educated, intelligent woman who reads extensively and has worked broadly.  And watching a woman of Jacinda's quick wit, education and experience have basic statistics and political concepts mansplained to her debate after debate is sickening.

If she were Colin Craig, she would have probably sued someone over it.

Watching Bill English and Mike Hosking talk over the top of her has been hard.  When I voiced this to Murray during the first debate he said 'English is just better at talking through them'.  I thought about it, and truthfully he was right.  He is better.  And I wondered why she wasn't being more forceful in the debate.  But it made me wonder what would happen if Jacinda applied the same approach as English: would we see her as better at getting her point across and leading an argument?  Or would she be perceived as a mouthy bitch?  Given the events that have happened in the lead up to this election, after serious thought I think her conservative approach is sensible.

This is the thing about women in politics - it is impossible for them not to be aware of their gender in every little thing they do.  Because they are judged to a different set of standards than your male counterparts.

Watching the debates I have to admit, I perceived Jacinda to be weak.  I appreciated that she has a moral high ground she didn't want to tread on as other politicians do regularly, but I didn't think she was strong enough.  Every time she waited politely for Bill to finish, every time she used the words 'please' and 'thankyou' and acknowledged her fellow MPs for the valuable work they were doing, I cringed internally.  I saw this as a consequence of her having lived as a woman, and having to kowtow to men on a regular basis.

But after serious thought I've realised this is not the case.  Jacinda is just smart.  She understands public perception.  She's just seen another woman get crucified for her womanhood.  Jacinda is gaming it.

Which brings me to why I felt the need to write this.

I was talking to a colleague about the election, and who we were planning on voting for.  And she said to me 'I'm voting Labour, because then maybe we'll have a woman PM.'  She went on to tell me that she knew this was probably sexist, but after what happened to Metiria she was just tired of seeing women getting beaten down.  I was appreciative of her honesty, but must admit I was shocked.

But I thought about it, like really thought about what she said and I actually totally agree.  I am sick of the boys club.

 I miss Aunty Helen...                           

I am saddened that we had nine years of a wonderful female Prime Minister (who kept our books in surplus incidentally), but we are still back to debating what colour Jacinda will wear to a debate.  We should be better by now.  I mean, there's been a smear campaign that Jacinda supports 'full term abortion' - and people have believed it***.  Seriously.  It's all a bit ridiculous.

So fuck it.  I'm going to say it.  Let's vote for a female PM.  Or if not, lets vote for parties that at least support us**** as women.  We should be waaaay past the 'you need to vote, women fought hard for your right, blah blah blah' rhetoric.  We need to vote.  And we need to vote for people who actually represent our rights as women.

Because this boys club does not have our best interests at hard.  And it has got to go.

Basic breakdown- best party for broadly addressing women's rights is The Green Party, 
and the Maori Party also have some great ideas.  

The worst parties are Act and NZ First.

* Just FYI - I have been audited for benefit fraud before.  I have very seldom received any money from the MSD - just at two periods of time in my life - both for under a year - and both due to breaks in my mental health affecting my ability to work.  Whilst I hadn't committed any fraud to my knowledge, I was terrified that I may have done so accidentally.  None of this is particularly helpful for someone who is unable to work due to suffering from chronic anxiety.

** Sorry Murray, but it's true.  There will definitely be an element of me misconceiving some things as 'mansplaining' that are regular explaining - but when you've been mansplained to your entire life it is difficult not to feel touchy when people get patronising on your arse - especially about things like mechanics of a board game that I statistically win as much as you (and you know the stats).  I don't think you're trying to be an arse, and I love you.

*** Man do I live in a bubble!  I had no idea this was going on until someone posted about it as a comment on my cousin's Facebook page.  I didn't even know this was happening, let alone that someone would believe it.  It's totally just copying the Religious Right's treatment of Hillary during the lead up to the US election.  And people still believe it.  What is happening is that Labour is in support of decriminalising abortion - not that it's ok to terminate pregnancies after 37 weeks...  This is my next blog topic right here.  Truly.  I'm pissed right now.

**** You're not an 'us' you're a dude?  Woman's rights are still in your best interests.  Just read/watch this or one of many other great articles or videos on it if you haven't been schooled on it already.

On becoming middle class

So this is an awkward conversation topic.

It's not the done thing to talk about how you use money or your financial position.  It's not what polite society does  But I think we have to.  Because when we don't, it can create a big gap in peoples understanding of how wealth accumulation works.  And it means we don't talk about the feelings we associate with financial wealth (or lack thereof) and how it affects us.  Because it's uncomfortable.  But not talking about this stuff doesn't help anyone.

I grew up in a working poor family.  I cannot remember a long period of time where both of my parents were unemployed.  I know it happened from time to time as things were always harder then, but usually there was work.  We lived itinerantly.  Whilst I was lucky to only attend four Primary schools and two high schools (the second by choice) I did move house 14 times in the first 14 years of my life.

Whilst we were poor - and I knew we were poor because we couldn't go on some school trips or have Christmases like my cousins - I didn't feel deprived.  There were times when we were hungry, but they were few because my parents supplemented our diet by hunting, fishing and gardening.  And rural living meant we were often paid in meat - a half a beast or a hoggart would last the family for a long time.  We had clothes as we got hand me downs from cousins, and until I was 12 years old I had no idea that clothing had any social relevance.

Since childhood I can remember a strong desire to rectify my financial position.  I believed I could do better than my parents, and I think this had a lot to do with knowing people who lived differently to us, and not being disparaged for thinking differently.  Later on, this opened doors for me in terms of understanding I could further my education.  Whilst I never had any desire to be wealthy, I did always crave stability in the form of my own home.

The standard mythology would be that I changed my position through foresight and hard work.

But that's just not true.

Me at the only exhibition where all my work sold (knitted she-wees)
Yes, I did get an education.  But I got a design degree and majored in painting, and fine arts is not exactly renowned for its ability to pay the bills.  And while I am good with money thanks to high school accounting classes and screwing up as an 18 year old, I have never been that great at getting my hands on it.  I never made marketable art.  I've struggled to value my own skills.  I've never enjoyed working full time as I've always needed time and brain space to create.


Basically, I only changed my position through luck and 'marrying up'.

This was not a conscious choice.  Studying at tertiary level meant mixing with folk from a different economic background from myself.  Yes, there were people like me studying, but in truth - we were the minority.  All but one (the high school boyfriend) of my serious relationships were with people from a different financial background to myself.  It wasn't rocket science to predict I would end up hitched to someone similar.

Cos she ain't nothing but a gold-digger (not actually...)

How did Murray's background help us?  Well aside from the fact he had some money in trust from his parents he miraculously hadn't spent yet, it meant he had some fiscal skills I didn't.  His parents owned two businesses and a rental property so he knew how grown up stuff like businesses and real estate worked (kinda).  He had insurance.  More importantly, he understood insurance.  He had a reliable vehicle.  He worked his way up through a workplace over a period of time and earned a decent wage*. 

I didn't understand how any of these things worked.  Most people I knew couldn't afford to get their vehicles warranted as soon as it run out, let alone keep them in good working order.  And I never had insurance.  Of any kind.  I couldn't afford it.  I didn't know many people that did and I am still getting my head around how it works.  Once we were 'Civilised', Murray's parents even got us in touch with a financial planner.  My knowledge of how money worked was that if you had some you spent it on something cool and then traded that thing in for something cooler when the novelty wore off.

This was a foreign and terrifying world.

I like to think Murray and I forged some sort of balance.  He had some knowledge, but he had no personal savings.  He had never felt the need to save for anything as he was a man of simple needs and always earned enough to meet them.  I was great at saving and goal setting, and having mostly lived on lower incomes am quite good at stretching money.  I have approached the financial nous of his family with caution but it has definitely helped us be more financially savvy.

Me and Murray at our new home in Sunnyvale

And how did we manage to buy a house in Auckland?  Luck and timing.  We spent nearly a year looking for the right house for us, which meant that when we did buy we had really thought about what we needed in terms of our house, location and how much we could afford to spend.  And if we had have tried to get into the market just 6 months later we couldn't have.  As it was, with our savings, Murray's trust and my Kiwisaver we could JUST scrape through on a low equity loan.  So without the money from Murray's parents we couldn't have done it.  With the increase in deposit required (20%) and the increase in housing prices we would have been like many people I know - locked out.

Buying a house has made things financially easier for us 5 years down the track.  Buying a reasonably priced house combined with low interest rates means that even if I combine our mortgage repayments and rates we pay at least $50 less a week than the average rental rate for a house of our size in the area we live in.

Why do I think it's important I tell you this stuff?  Because I am sick of hearing this rhetoric:

'I worked hard for what I've got'.

This may well be true.  X person may well have worked themselves up from the bottom of the heap doing 70 hour weeks in the coal mines and eating only bananas and wearing the same holey shoes for ten years.  But this does not mean that Y person didn't work equally hard and sacrifice just as much and end up with nothing.

Do we have what we have because we worked hard?  Eh, kinda.  We did plan and we made some sacrifices and held down full time jobs and put money away and moved to the suburbs, sure.  But do I know people that work harder than us and have less?  Definitely.  Things can work in our favour that we take for granted - like job stability, housing markets, our health and having family with fiscal knowledge.

I get really annoyed by the implication that people who have little do not work hard and make poor decisions.  I have previously blogged about how things are set up to benefit those who have more.  People with little have to fight to just survive the daily bills, and then just when they feel they're making headway - BANG!  Someone gets sick or the washing machine breaks down.  It is no surprise that when there's a little money available it gets spent on something that brings a glimmer of happiness into the gloom.

And things are set up to disadvantage those with less.  Renting means less stability and less control over the quality of your home.  This may make it less easy to stay in the same job and garner the titles and payrises a more stable person might - or make it more expensive to get to work.  It also contributes to higher rates of illness and more sick days.  Inability to pay for things on time means paying extra: late payment fees, fines for no WOF, fines for no license.  Attempts to increase your revenue - like getting another job - mean you incur secondary tax - the most unfair tax of all.

I am smiling even though I work full time for minimum wage.
Because I work in retail.
It all seems pretty unfair.

And this unfairness makes me uncomfortable.  I am totally aware that we are in the position we are due to Murray's family being financially stable and a bit of luck.  And I am also aware of how easy it would be to end up less lucky.  Consequently, I'd love it if we could level the playing fields by making it a little easier on those with less, and maybe a little tougher on those with more.  The best way I feel I can work toward changing this, is by voting for politicians who understand this dichotomy, and who seek to rectify it.

I'm guessing that most of the people who read my blog are friends and whanau with a similar outlook to me.  But the other important thing I have to say (which you friends and whanau may disagree with) is that people who think differently to us are not the bad guy.  Thinking this is the case is easier - sure, but it's not necessarily true.  We probably feel how we do based on the evidence of our own lives, or the lives of people we know.  This is probably the same for them.  For those people who have succeeded, and only have friends who have enjoyed similar success, it will be hard to believe you can work hard and not reap any benefits.  Because they haven't seen it.

It's like expecting someone to believe the boogey man is real by just telling them so.
This doesn't make them arseholes.  It makes them ignorant.

We can show them all the stats and figures and Tedtalks we can muster and they might believe us, but it's just as likely that they won't.  Because they don't see it, and it doesn't affect them, and they will be able to find some statistics somewhere that back their position.  In fact, it works to their benefit if they pretend it doesn't exist (that is arseholey, but they are possibly not even aware of it).  But creating an 'us' and 'them' mentality doesn't really help anyone.

So how can we change things?  We can change how we use our money.  We can stop buying rental properties or playing the property market to our personal financial betterment to make it easier for wanna be homeowners to get a look in.  We can do our best to help our friends and whanau if they are less fortunate then ourselves, in ways that are welcome.  We can invest in small, local businesses or in our friends business ideas.  We can vote for parties that will change taxation and other policy to help level the playing field.  And we can talk openly about our experiences.

*Shortly after we met I was actually earning more than him as an online advertising editor, but the partnership of the company I was working for collapsed amidst accusations of fraud and I ended up taking the owner to mediation as he refused to back pay me monies owed for when I was working outside my contract (and a new contract had been negotiated).  Then the recession hit, so I was unable to get another job working at the same level I had done previously.  Luck huh?

Ideas around parenting kids like Etta

I wanted to write up a little summary on what I've learned through the last few years being Etta's parent.  These are just simple things that seem to be working for us.

1) Trust your gut
If something feels off with your kids, follow it up.  You are the parent.  You are going to notice the behaviors and mannerisms in your kids more than anyone else.  Consequently, others may not notice - they don't see your kid every day.  Your first trip to the GP will likely result in being told you are an overprotective parent and have nothing to worry about.  This may be right.  It also may not be.  Remember that a GP is exactly that - a general practitioner.  They are not specialists.  They may have a particular field of interest but it may not be pediatrics or psychology.  In fact, it most likely isn't.

If something doesn't feel right - read, talk to other parents - talk to your parents as giftedness, sensory issues and ASD are usually hereditary.  Even if we were gifted ourselves - we will not necessarily understand the challenges our parents faced parenting us. They may have some useful insights on what helped them with parenting you.  Reach out on social networks.  Connect with people and information until something clicks.  Then follow that lead.  The best help for your child may be a small and simple thing - it may not.  But you won't know unless you pursue it.

2) Remember Your Kid Is Not Naughty 
Well, I'm sure sometimes they are, but by and large this is not the issue.  Behavior is a way kids communicate information to their parents.  They are young, so they are still learning how best to do this.  Some kids become overwhelmed by feelings and cannot verbalise this so it manifests physically.  Some kids are trying to establish boundaries.  Some kids are just trying to get your attention.

Bad behavior is just a way your kid can communicate with you.  They might be telling you they are too tired, or too hungry, or too scared to do X thing.  They might be just baiting you to understand the boundaries around a certain issue.  They might just need more quality time with you (this is usually the driver in our household).  They are not just being an arsehole for no reason.

Kids don't want to be bad, and they don't want to feel like they are a bad person - no-one does.  What they do want is to communicate with their caregivers.  For some, bad behaviors may seem like the most effective way to do this.  It is our job to be understanding and help them learn other ways of effective communicating.

Etta having a tantrum roadside - we got through it together (eventually)

3) Follow Your Child's Lead
I don't mean let them do whatever they want - that won't help anybody.  I mean if they are giving you queues that something is not right for them, follow those queues.  This might mean taking a little more time to prepare them for going out.  This might mean letting them take their comfort thing to X place.  It might even mean it's not a good day to do X activity.  Following their lead and giving them time and space to process is going to make things easier for everyone - it could mean the difference between having a lovely outing or physically removing a kicking and screaming kid from a cafe floor.

Sometimes this is not possible.  Sometimes you are in the middle of a supermarket and in a hurry and it's just not feasible.  Sometimes they are just fixated on getting the thing they want and that thing is not appropriate for them.  This is life.  The main thing is that when you can, when there's time, acknowledge however they were feeling, explain why you couldn't follow their lead at the time, learn from the incident and move on.

Uhh, not my kid...

4) Don't Sweat The Small Stuff
Being a good parent means developing a thick skin.  For me, the hardest part of parenting Etta (besides public tantrums) has been around food.  I love food!  I have worked with food in a number of jobs and I have some food making skills.  I can make amazing vegan and gluten free meals* that grown ups love.  But none of this is helpful to Etta.  Over time I have realised that the big picture is that Etta is growing healthily and eats enough.  She does eat a limited diet but this is because trying new food is genuinely scary for her because of its potential for sensory overload.

Our approach to her eating is like this one and this is what works best for her.  At the end of the day the people I am trying to please with feeding Pinterest worthy veggie based meals to my kid exist in my head.  And they are not as important as Etta.  Because they are not real.  Do I feel stressed in social settings where Etta has to eat food?  Yes.  But so does she.  It's not like it's just healthy food she won't eat.  She is scared of trying most new things.  So usually I will find a few things that I know she will eat, and always bring something I know she will eat, so that she doesn't leave the party feeling left out or hungry.

The important lesson here for me has been in getting over my own ego.  I feel like my kid should be eating amazing healthy meals because I like making those meals.  I feel like others judge me because I don't.  The best thing I can do is remove myself from the equation and look at what is best for Etta.  And that is getting enough energy to learn and grow (which she does) and feeling safe to try new foods (which she sometimes does).  Forcing her to eat stuff only intensifies her food fears.

At the end of the day, I want Etta to have a healthy relationship with food.
What has helped me is remembering that I was an extremely fussy kid too!  I would not eat avocado or mushroom or pumpkin or peas or any mixed together foods (I didn't eat pizza or burgers until I was well into my teens).  And that completely changed.  The foods Etta eats now do not dictate her adult diet.  And if I make food a safe place for her, she can - in her own time - discover new things.

It might  not be food that's your private battle - it might be going to Kindy, or bedtime or something else.  But if you take your ego out of the equation and put your kid at the front of it, I am certain this battle will become more manageable.

5) Try to Forge A Balance
This is 100% the trickiest thing for me.  When do you give them time and space to manage their feelings and when do you push them to try new things?  What I try and do is watch her behavior and try and gauge how she's feeling.  What kind of day has she had?  Is she demonstrating any behaviors that indicate she's tired or upset?  How hard is this thing for her to do?  If it's a great day then it's the best time to try something new - be it an activity that might feels scary to her, visiting people in a different house, or trying a new food.

The other thing is - again where possible - to follow their lead.  Etta is aware of her struggles to do certain things.  And with some of those things she has a strong desire to rectify this.  Often she will tell me when she is ready to retry an activity that has previously been too hard for her.  When she does that, I try my best to promptly follow up so I can give her the learning opportunity she craves and if I can't do it immediately, I will talk to her and solidify a time when we can (she never forgets).

Sometimes external pressures are helpful in pushing for you.  Etta was ready to start toilet training the week we brought Abby home.  I was really not able to follow her lead on that (colic baby, couldn't put her down, recovering from childbirth...).  Consequently, this pushed back her desire to toilet train.  Whilst we had tried a bunch of methods at home (rewards, schedules, tandem peeing etc) it wasn't until she started Kindy and saw other kids going to the toilet that her interest was sparked.  This external pressure forged the balance Etta needed to want to toilet train.

 The Circle of Security - truly a useful tool in understanding what kids need from their parents/caregivers.

Many of us struggle finding the balance between protecting them and allowing them to explore.

6) Being Compassionate
I feel extremely grateful to have some understanding of how it feels to be unsure of the world at large - to be scared.  My anxiety makes compassion for Etta and her situation simple for me.  It isn't always easy to follow up on it though.  Sometimes she will get a fright from a noise outside.  Because this happens so frequently it can be difficult to address her needs right away (in the middle of washing dishes, peeing, just tired of dealing with regular noise complaints...).  In these instances where I am not able to be with her immediately, I still try and acknowledge and manage her feelings when I get there.

Because just having those conversations about what is hard and scary for her - even after the fact - is what's important.  We are constantly reinforcing to her that it's ok to be scared.  We remind her that everyone is scared of something - Murray is scared of snakes.  I don't like driving.  Nana is scared of mice.  This reminds her that not all fears are rational, but that everyone has them so it's ok for her to have them too.  When she hears something scary when she's trying to go to sleep I will first ask her why it's scary and what she thinks it is.  Then we talk about what I think it actually is and the the specifics of how it can't hurt her.  And then because we've worked through it together she's not afraid anymore. And she goes to sleep.

Even if Etta's fears are irrational, her feelings around those fears are valid.  And even though it can be annoying or sometimes seem ridiculous (hand dryers and troll sculptures), it's important to remember that when talking about it.

7) Aim to be 'Good Enough'                                                    Me as I am - no filter - an actual human parent

Perfection is not reality - this is an unachievable goal.  But being good enough is totally doable.  When kids perceive their parents as perfect they feel as though they can never meet their high standards.  If they never see us fail, if they never see us cry then how can they know that it's ok to do those things?  While we all want what's best for our kids, and we want them to reach their full potential, what they actually need to do that is to see their parents being their imperfect selves.

This can be especially hard for some of us.  Giftedness goes hand in hand with perfectionism.  And many of those with gifted kids will be gifted themselves.  Letting go of that perfectionist aspect is hard - for both ourselves and our kids.  We want to present our best selves.  We want to be seen as competent and strong at all times.  But this is not showing the reality of our situation.  And this isn't teaching our kids how to manage the genuine ups and downs of real life.

For me, it means apologising to Etta for being grumpy and explaining that I'm just having a bad day (she also totally understands what 'hangry' means).  It means if I forget aspects of 'the routine' I explain that  I actually just forgot because I'm tired.  It means there is an embarrassingly awful drawing I did of Abby where I make a Muldoon analogy up on her bedroom wall (because whilst it was a failure for me, the kids love it).  In seeing me as an emotional, imperfect person, she can see that it's ok to make mistakes - which makes it easier for her to talk to me about her mistakes.  This articulation makes it easier for me to process and forgive my own mistakes, so it's better for everyone all round.

8) Get Support
A (hu)man is not an island, and a parent certainly shouldn't be.  Remember back in the day how it literally took a village to raise a child?  These days, this can feel impossible with many folks extended families spread across the globe.  Parenting any child is hard.  It is overwhelming and time consuming and exhausting.  Parenting a kid with different needs can feel even tougher.  We need breaks and time to ourselves. If you have no family, reach out and build a family.  It might be making friends with your next door neighbours.  It might be joining a baby yoga group or meeting other parents through your local Playgroup.  It might just mean reaching out for help within an online community.  These are all valid means of building your own village.

Making food at Bellyful                   

If you need more targeted, external support, it is out there.  If you have a child under 1 you can get help through Maternal Mental Health.  If not, contact your local woman's centre and see what services they have on offer.  Call one of the 0800 numbers that offer help with depression.  Reach out.  Actual, needed support is not always easily accessible in NZ these days, but it could be.  There are places that offer respite and childcare for free.  There are places that might just cook you some meals to make the daily grind a little easier for a bit.  But if you don't look, you won't find it.  We cannot do this parenting thing alone.

9) Be Kind 
Be kind to yourself.  Some days are harder than others and on those days it's important to remember that your kid doesn't care if the washing is still on the line, or if you have made breakfast for dinner (common occurrence in our home as quick and kids will eat it).  They need you to be there for them, to enjoy them and to watch over them.  Sometimes these feel like insurmountable things.  Some days you can't wait for them to be quiet in their beds so you can just feel like yourself for a moment.  These feelings are normal.  You are not a bad parent.  And tomorrow is another day.

Be kind to your family.  Remember that none of us are perfect, and that most of us are not trying to be hurtful or spiteful in our actions.  Kids with behavioral issues are not bad kids.  They are just trying to navigate through big feelings and ideas with limited resources. At the end of the day everyone is seeking the same thing - feeling connected, safe and happy.

These things are all possible, and are made simpler with kindness.

Etta on the same day as her tantrum pictured earlier.  She was upset because she needed 'Mama time' (and because she wanted a rock that I wouldn't let her have.  She didn't get the rock, but she did get 'Mama time').  This is what happened when I could meet her needs.


* Just need to make clear I am not vegan.  I do try to eat low gluten (for help managing my IBS) and don't eat a lot of meat, but I like creating recipes that are delicious and suitable for folk on restricted diets.  Also, veges are DELICIOUS.
 

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 3

So then we were back to where we had kinda started - with Indigo to have Etta assessed for giftedness.

This was a two part assessment - the first part where Etta was assessed, and the second part going over her assessment results and what they meant. 

To be able to take Etta I had to arrange childcare for Abby - which meant (because of available time frames) we had to explain to someone outside of our immediate family why we were doing this.  While this made me nervous - because I wasn't totally sure it was necessary - it went ok.  Murray's parents had kids that were different too, so his Mum genuinely understood why we wanted the assessment and thought it was logical to want to do it before she started school.

We arrived extremely early because we weren't sure of traffic (we don't commonly head to Glenfield during peak) - then had a very long wait until our appointment with usual specialists-running-over-schedule issues.  Not the best way to start an hour long assessment!  But Etta enjoyed the one-on-one time with me drawing pictures and reading books.  And the psychologist was great so consequently Etta mostly enjoyed the assessment.

Questions were on flash cards, and looked a little like this

It was basically an IQ test for little people which looked at memory, language skills and spacial understanding.  And whilst carrying out the assessment the psychologist was looking at indicators of other issues - motor skills, verbalisation, empathy et al.  Etta enjoyed the areas of the test she was good at - but got very frustrated attempting the things she struggled with, even refusing to participate in certain activities.

I didn't really need the follow up to get the gist of the results*.  Whilst Etta is extremely bright in some areas - memory and language, some of her other skill sets are below average.  The gap in skill levels causes her frustration when engaging in new or difficult activities, so she prefers to do things she is good at.  So when she feels forced to attempt activities that are harder for her, she melts down.

Whilst this gap in abilities is very normal for gifted kids, the thing which makes things more difficult for Etta are her sensory issues.  She struggles most with fine motor skills and spacial awareness - which is unsurprising given that she doesn't like engaging with certain physical sensations.  Not wanting to self feed, dress herself or - for a long time - walk**, also meant that she missed out on a lot of practice time that other children have with learning the basics in motor skills.  And because - like most people - she seeks praise, she wanted to focus on doing the things she did well.

The recommendations for Etta were very simple: look into seeing an OT to help her manage her sensory issues, and provide learning support so she could direct her frustrations into positive projects to feed her mind and keep her focused.

*          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *        

I am not proud to say it, but we have not yet sent Etta to an OT.  I have ummed and ahhed about it, and we still might.  One reason I haven't is that we discussed our concerns/ test results with the head teacher at Etta's Kindy.  This is a woman I like and trust who has over 20 years experience working in Kindergartens with many, many children.  She was very certain it was not necessary for Etta to see an OT.  That it wouldn't cause any harm, but just wasn't necessary  The other reason I haven't is that Etta has made progress.***  Which, I think, is in a part, to do with Kindy.

Being outside her comfort zone with starting Kindy pushed Etta to try things she previously wouldn't do.  And whilst it was a tricky adjustment for her initially, the child we see now is very different to the child we saw a year ago.  This is partly due to age, but a big part of this (I think) is due to feeling confident and secure in a learning environment with peers.

One of the things I really liked about the book I read on gifted children is that it didn't prescribe ways of managing gifted kids.  In terms of education the thinking was basically that different kids need different things - Montessori and extension programs will not work for all bright kids - some kids excel in a regular learning environment, surrounded by lots of kids.  Because in numbers there will be other kids that are different.  So you are not alone in your difference, because there are many kids who are different in many ways.  Etta is very secure at her Kindy****, and consequently at this stage we feel confident that sending us to her local school, alongside her peers, is the best move for her going forward.

The other thing that felt a little like kismet, is that the parenting approach recommended for gifted kids is that of 'the good enough parent' - the very premise of the Secure Beginnings parenting course.  I felt like I had literally come full circle.

Learning about Etta's sensory issues helped me feel justified in my frustration about the recommended course of action in managing Etta's tantrums at that time.  She didn't need me to hug her - but she did need me to be there.  In practicing 'being there' for her with an awareness of what that meant, it helped her to feel more secure.  Over time, this has meant that she feels so safe with us as parents that sometimes when she's going to tantrum she will allow us to hug her and it does actually help her calm down.  So this course has proven extremely valuable to us.

The other thing that has been helpful generally is my awareness of how it feels to be anxious.  It breaks my heart seeing my child live with something that, for me, has influenced every aspect of my life.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful that I can use my experience to, hopefully, make her path a little easier than mine.  It means we can have very honest conversations about our feelings, which in turn makes it easier to find ways to help manage them - on both sides of the conversation.  And it means that Etta has been 'calm breathing' since she was two - which definitely can't hurt!

A few weeks ago Etta desperately needed some 'Mama time', so I organised for Murray's parents to take Abby for a few hours so we could have some time together.  Because she loved playing mini golf in Rarotonga we decided to go to the mini-golf place in New Lynn for a special outing.  This was a bad call on my part.  The moving and talking characters terrified her.  We were the only people there, so the operator offered to turn them all off.  It took me a while to calm her down, but I persevered.  I wanted to give her the opportunity to calm down and experience something I knew she would enjoy.  We managed to play about five holes and she was quite happy.  Then she saw a troll and it was all over.  I carried her screaming and hitting out of the mini-golf course.

This was difficult.  Not just because I felt I'd blown $22 on nothing, but because I felt bad for misjudging things.  And for blowing the little bit of time we had to spend together that was supposed to be fun.  And truthfully, I felt a little irritated by her behavior.  But I understood it.  Whilst I could have gotten upset about it I redirected our plans to include things that were nice and comfortable for Etta.  We played at the playground.  We went to the library.  (We went to McDonalds...)

And we talked about our feelings.  I talked about how I was sorry I had got things wrong, and about how it is hard for me to judge if we need to leave, or if she just needs some time to adjust to a new thing.  She talked about the scary troll and how it was scary.  But she also told me that she really would like to go back there when she was bigger.  When she was seven she would be big enough, she said.

These experiences are where the growth lies - these awkward truthful conversations.  These moments of being kicked and punched in public and just sitting with it.  In order for Etta to grow and feel confident in negotiating the world, these moments will happen.  But how we manage them, and how we view them, is what makes the real difference.

*          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *           *          *          *

Today Etta used the hand-dryer voluntarily in the bathrooms at Kelly Tarltons.  I was not there, this was with Murray and Abby (I have been home ill).  Etta has been terrified of hand dryers since birth.  But today, she decided to confront her fear.  When they came home from Kelly Tarltons it was the first thing she told me - she had the hugest smile on her face.  I am so proud of her.

We are making progress.



* I did go to the results assessment part, but that was just an expansion of things that were already apparent from her initial assessment comboed with what I already knew about gifted kids - so I don't think it needs writing about.

** Etta started walking properly when we went to Rarotonga.  We are fairly certain that she decided to do this because she didn't like the sensation of the grass and dirt on her knees, but it was ok on her feet (wearing shoes).  Etta regularly walked a few steps - religiously - on the big parachute mat at Wriggle and Rhyme.  In short, we are fairly certain Etta didn't walk for so long because she didn't like the sensation of walking, so only walked when it felt sensually better than other alternatives.

*** The other reason is that I get very anxious about making phone calls.  Honestly.  I never know what to say when starting a conversation about something that seems a little flimsy as a premise.  And I feel guilty cos a lovely friend recommended we see someone she knew, and she told them we were seeing her, and then I got busy and then I had that Kindy conversation and then I got anxious, and then I forgot.  And by the time I remembered again I felt like that window had closed.  I am not proud, but this is the truth.

**** I just want to point out that I love Etta's Kindy.  I feel like its values line up fairly well with ours, and the culture around accepting different cultures and ideas matches that at home.  Because we live in an area that is culturally diverse, this is reflected in the local Kindy and school, which means Etta is already not alone in her differences.  Consequently she has friends which in itself helps her feel included and part of her community.  Which, speaking from experience as someone who was also a 'different' kid, is a really important thing to feel.

Also, she would never have attempted this climb (pictured) before Kindy.  Truly, she has literally grown leaps and bounds there.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 2

And apparently smarts often go hand in hand with other things.  Smart kids will always try to push the boundaries.  Because they're smart they are naturally curious so will question everything.  Often kids that have a lot of skills in one area will struggle with another, and because of anxiety around failing focus on what they're good at.  This will be why some smart kids avoid social situations, or physical activities.  Gifted kids are often developmentally imbalanced.  At the extreme you have kids who are 'twice gifted' - kids who are smart, but have other issues, like ASD or dyspraxia.

After reading all this I felt like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders.  Maybe I wasn't just a terrible parent?  Regardless, Etta still needed support.

Einstein didn't talk until he was four.

At this point in time Etta was not quite four.  I know it sounds like I'm being a crazy, overprotective Mum, but hey, I'm anxious and truthfully, her behavior was out there.  Her tantrums dictated whether we could even leave the house.  She once went into a spin about leaving the park and ran out onto the road (I had to leave Abby with a stranger and run)*.  And she wasn't being naughty - she was literally terrified and overwrought by emotions.  Any attempts at direct intervention was wood on the flames so having other people 'attempt' to help only made her tantrums last longer.  With another small child in the house, this was just not a feasible (or fun) way to live long term.

And it was frustrating.  Because not only was it eating into the family's time, but into hers.  This prevented her from being able to do lots of the regular things that kids her age do: zoo trips, visits to friends, actually just playing with her toys.  I could see her childhood slipping away in terrifying tantrums that sapped her energy and stopped her from engaging with the world.

And in just over a year Etta would be starting school.  If she did have additional needs it would be in everyone's best interests - hers especially - if we could get an understanding of these before she started school.  Because big picture - her needs might indicate to us that we need to enrol her in a different school than initially planned.

Murray was keen on taking her to the GP and going from there.  With my vast personal experience with GP's and what our public health system is capable of, I thought this would put us into an unproductive loop.  Like most things, unless someone's behaviors are problematic on a larger scale, they are just written off as 'normal' at this level, and especially at this age.

So I did my own research.  The first place I called was Marinoto - which is the children's mental health unit at Waitakere Hospital.  Having dealt with the hospital for my own health, and being in my locale, I thought it a good start.  Unfortunately, they were unable to help in terms of assessments but at least were very clear about this from the outset.  So then I looked into help through private specialists in the area of gifted children.

While I felt I was jumping the gun in terms of diagnosing her, I didn't feel much like I had a choice.  Her behaviors and attitudes exactly matched those in the book I had just read.  But did I think she was a genuis?  No.  She did start talking very early - around 8 months.  She had a developed sense of humour before she was 18 months old.  And she memorised most of her books and would read them back to us before she was two.  So we did know she was smart.  But genius?

The common theme with info on gifted kids seems to be really boring images

I read up on the net and found Indigo.  Their tagline is 'Assessment and counseling for individuals who connect with the world differently'.  This statement in itself made me feel confident I was headed in the right direction.  Now as someone with social anxiety, making phone calls is not really my strong point.  So after a garbled conversation with the receptionist about crazy behaviors and road safety she told me someone would call me back.  She wasn't sure if they were going to be able to help us either.

Someone did call back though.

They also were not sure if they could be of help.  But they did tell me about someone who might be.  Links is a two bit organisation** that helps link families of kids with behavioral issues with the right support.  It sounded like exactly what we needed.

Now you have to understand that we did all of this outside of public health - this meant it was not exactly cheap.  But Etta needed help (our family needed help), and I didn't know how else to provide it, so as far as I was concerned this was necessary.  I am just saying this to precursor folks going 'OMG!  I need this too!' then finding them and getting freaked about the cost.  It is a little expensive.  But at this point we believed it to be a necessary expense.

So we booked a time.  This was a big deal as they needed to meet both me and Murray to accurately assess us, our home and Etta, so Murray took time off work.  It was a two part operation with one (the child psychologist) spending about an hour with Etta, while the other one interviewed Murray and I about Etta, our relationships, and our main concerns.  This tag-team approach meant they had a fuller picture of what exactly was needed (and seeing kids away from their parents makes it easier to assess the kids).

Truthfully, I did not like the woman who did our side of the assessment.  She seemed to have some kind of God complex and was totally self involved.  But she was apt.  And she was honest.  And while I didn't like her personally, I did think that she did a good job.  Both her and her partner (who was lovely) concurred that Etta was most likely gifted.  They also did not think she had ASD but picked up that she did have sensory issues.

I did not know what sensory issues actually meant.
I did see that Etta had issues with sounds, light and textures - but because society so strongly links this to ASD I hadn't got past that roadblock.  Sensory issues occur when the brain has trouble processing the information it receives from the senses.  Etta's tantrums were her way of managing her brain overloading on information.  This is why any verbal or physical attempt to stop them exacerbated things.  Conversely, this is why her comfort thing was her snuggly.  When feeling scared she could self calm by twisting the wool between her fingers.  She had already learned (without help) how to reassure herself with positive sensation.

If the ugly book was the first lightbulb moment, this was the second.  Etta needed some skills and some compassion, in negotiating her way around what was for her often a very scary world.

Etta bracing herself for more facepaint..
She loves the idea of it, but hates getting it put on.

to be continued (only one more installment I promise - it's just looooong!)

* This was exactly the point at which I decided I needed some help...

**  They don't have a website yet, nor do they know how to professionally format assessments in ways regular people will read them.  But they were very helpful - message me if you need a phone number or email address.

On Working Out How To Parent Etta Part 1

Etta has always been a bit different.

The difference was not something I could easily put a finger on but a collection of things that just seemed a little off.   If you said any of the things in isolation to another parent or a Dr or Kindy teacher they'd just say 'well, that's normal - some children do that'. 

But there were just so many small things.

 Etta patting Casper at a party

She would tantrum for up to an hour.  During tantrums she was lost: throwing things, screaming, breaking stuff - including things she loved and injuring herself, usually by accident.  The best way to calm her down was to stay with her but not talk or touch - these seemed to exacerbate things.  And this started when she was 11 months old.  She couldn't sleep when her room was untidy.  She had a strong need for routine and created and extended her own making every day events (like bedtime) take increasingly longer periods of time.  She had issues with light/noise/smells and new foods.  When we tried starting her on finger foods she flat our refused, so ate purees well past the ages of the children of our friends.  She didn't start walking until she was almost two years old.

And once I had another child those differences became more apparent.

I have never wanted anything but the best for my kids and knowing how little experience I have in the area of childcare I thought it was highly possible it was just me and my anxiety.  Maybe I was overthinking things.  Maybe she was completely normal.  Maybe I just wasn't getting this parenting thing right.  It was also very likely that Etta was - like me - anxious.  I was very anxious when pregnant with her and anxious pregnancies make for anxious kids.  So I was totally happy to do an intensive parenting course.

The Circle Of Security was recommended to me by my maternity mental health facilitator.  She thought it was a good fit for my style of parenting and our values and she was right on the money.  Over 20 weeks I watched myself, and other parents, on film interacting with our kids.  We did this to  decode the language that our relationships with our children was built upon.  This was not an easy emotional journey - but it was absolutely worthwhile and I highly recommend the course and the ideal of trying to be a 'good enough' parent rather than a perfect one.

However, because of the time frame and simple base of this course (and the fact it was trying to help us retrain our brains so had to be simple) it didn't allow for variances.  And whilst much I learned was very helpful I was left feeling I was still missing something.  And I was frustrated.

The course also didn't take into account other relationships - between us as mothers with other children, or between our child with other adults.  Whilst I understand this was due to a focus on bettering ourselves, it also implicated that we were ultimately responsible for our children, and relegated their fathers/other caregivers to a backseat.  This felt unfair to them, and also heaped more responsibility on us as primary caregivers.  I also felt this was unfeasible with other parental obligations.  On the course they said a child feels heard if they are responded to something like 30% of the time.  But what if there are more than one?  How is a mother of five supposed to easily manage the emotional health of all of her children equally whilst also managing a busy household and her own needs?  How is she supposed to do this alone?

A part of the course taught us that children are like cups that need to be kept full.  We fill their cups by 'being with' them.  Which means providing enough quality time, listening and engaging, to keep them feeling secure.  And whilst this approach works with Abby no problem, when applied to Etta it seemed to make her cup grow bigger, her expectations of 'Mummy time' higher and my capacity to meet her needs just never enough.  And when I raised this with the facilitators I was never given any adequate response as to why this would be.

This led me to wonder if we were missing something more big picture.  With Murray* and his brother having dyspraxia, and a history of ASD through my family I wondered about whether this was the issue.  But it just didn't quite fit.  Whilst Etta has struggled with elements of socialising, her understanding of empathy and kindness made this seem unlikely.

Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was.

On a sit down review of the course three months on with one of the facilitators I brought this up.  She reassured me Etta was a perfectly normal kid - if anything was off it would have been picked up during their interactions with her.  They were two qualified children's psychologists and both very certain Etta was just a regular kid who just needed more connection with me.

I found this hard, because whilst I accept that I struggle with staying connected with people due to aspects of my childhood (like everyone else on the course) I do remember being a kid.  I can remember the things that were important to me.  I can remember the feelings of being not heard**, of feeling less than and, as a parent, I try to incorporate this into how I talk to our kids.  I felt that I was already doing so much split between two kids, managing my mental health, a partner and work, that doing any more was just not feasible.  I felt like mothering Etta was a Herculean task that I would never quite manage.  I felt like a failure.

Then randomly I found a book.

We were at the library on one of our regular excursions, and as usual it was nigh on impossible to leave the kids section without a double kiddy meltdown.  I had run out of books to read at home, and as reading was part of my usual sleep routine I was desperate.  Luckily, the parenting section is next to the childrens section at our library, so after a quick peruse I picked up a book with a hideous cover and a wordy title:  The Challenges of Gifted Children: Empowering Parents to Maximize their Child's Potential by Barbara Klein.  I was desperate.

That ugly book was the first thing that made any kind of sense to me regarding Etta.  All the behaviours she was exhibiting were there on the pages in front of me in black and white.  Suddenly so many pieces clicked into place.

Murray and I were both bright kids.  In the PATs (like America's SATs) at primary school I always scored in the top 98th or 99th percentile across the board and was extended (especially in language) as far as they thought socially allowable (I was held back a little).  And Murray had been put into a special class with other bright kids where they could learn whatever interested them.  We both sat some School Cert subjects early (math and science) and both got UE in sixth form.  And guess what?  Intelligence is hereditary.

to be continued...

* Murray will want it stated for the record that he wasn't officially diagnosed with this growing up, but his mother and A&E record testify differently.

** Just need to point out these are not digs at my parents.  My parents were generally actually pretty good with this stuff.  This is a dig with society generally not taking kids seriously.  That old adage 'children should be seen and not heard' - total uncompassionate hogwash.  Children are little people.  Their ideas, needs and feelings are just as valid (if not moreso) than those of adults.

On Boardgaming and why I love it

I spend a big chunk of my spare time playing board games.  I don't know why I haven't posted about it before.  I guess I figured it's not the most relatable thing to post about, but given that most of my readers (I think) know me quite well by now, it's worth posting about.  Because it's a big part of my life and kind of an important aspect of who I am.

I've been set up to be a gamer since pretty much birth.  In my family it was mostly cards: Cribbage, 500 Euchre, Canasta, Poker - I played most of them before I hit high school.  What I liked about cards - both then and now is how you can use basic games to teach (or learn) so many useful skills.  Cribbage was a great game for math.  Poker, for how to read peoples body language (and how to lie successfully.  I was, and still am, crap at Poker).  500 for deductive reasoning, and in partnered games, communication.

But we played the old fashioned board games too: Monopoly, Cluedo, Scrabble, and Backgammon to name a few.  My favourites were probably Scattergories and Scrabble because I loved thinking on my feet.  And because spelling was easy for me, I enjoyed the true challenge of analysing how I could maximise my score best based on the letters and board in front of me.

NOTE: I've linked all the games to their pages on Board Game Geek if you want to learn more about any of them.

You can play board games practically anywhere - and we have.  We've played board games in Brunei, Melbourne and Rarotonga (we bought Congkak - a traditional game in Brunei which I love).  We've played board games on planes.  We've played board games in cafes (only requirement is a largish table or a smallish game).  We regularly play board games up at our bach - that's part of our winding-down-at-the-bach tradition really.  Basically, we rarely leave to go anywhere for any period of time without taking at least a few games with us. They are a huge part of mine and Murray's lives.

 Me and Murray on a coffee/gaming date with Pagoda

My appreciation for the Euro game started with three games: Risk, Settlers of Catan and Ticket To Ride.  Friends had a copy of Ticket To Ride which I was lucky enough to play with them a few times.  I loved it.  Not long after this Murray bought a cheap, knock of version of Risk from an emporium - playing it became one of our regular flat pastimes.  And when a flatmate moved in with a copy of Settlers - well - that was me sold.

Simultaneously, Murray started getting back in to Bloodbowl - a fantasy role playing grid iron style game using Games Workshop figurines that had its heyday back in the 90's.  While this game wasn't (and still isn't) for me - he found some folk for whom it was who incidentally - you guessed it - also played Euros.  So Murray regularly (and me not as regularly, but sometimes) would go out to boardgaming days at these friends and play with a rag tag crew of gamers after making initial contact over Bloodbowl.

This introduced us to more and more games and at this point we started buying our own.  We started small but since then have amassed a fair amount of board games - probably over 60 now.**

What I enjoy about Euro games over regular games like Monopoly is that they seem more aimed at adults, and seem to have better replay value.  I mean, you play Monopoly twice - you get the gist of Monopoly.  And after maybe 10 games of Monopoly you're thinking - fuck playing more Monopoly.  Me and Murray were chatting recently and working out how many games of Dominion (one of our favorites) we must have played together over the years.  We guestimated over 400.  He has an app which he uses to track game plays, who plays, and scores.  And in the last two years we've played 150ish games.  And that's with an Abby and an Etta.  We played way more before we had kids.  So I'd say that game tops Monopoly for replay.

The other area that Euro games (well, the good ones) excel in is pacing.  Unlike Monopoly most Euros are designed not to drag.  And all have a rough estimate of play length on the box so you can choose based on how long a game you'd like to play (game play can last anywhere from about 20 minutes up to 6+ hours - so this is good to know).  There's only two games I am happy to play that last longer than 90 minutes - and both of those games have a large element of subterfuge or fuck-overyness which makes for an enjoyable game no matter the length.

What I also love is the variety.  I truly believe there is a Euro for everyone.  There are short and long games.  There are themed games and strategy games.  There are silly games and serious games.  There are team games and solo games.  I truly think that if you pitch the right game at someone (at the right time) you can turn anyone into a gamer.

 Patchwork - the first game I bought Murray without consultation.

And we have...

Over time, I've realised there are some Euro's that I describe as 'gateway games'.  Like mary-jane is to cocaine, there are some games that once someone gets a taste they'll likely be back for more.  The first game I discovered had this quality was Stone Age.  Stone Age is a classic Euro with points scored both throughout the game and at the end.  It is Stone Age themed, but like most good Euro's is really about balance, strategic play, a little math and a little luck.  It is simple enough that most people get the gist of it after one play, but diverse enough that they'll come back for more.  This is almost always my first pick of Euro's when it comes to playing with gaming virgins in a small group.

If we have a large group my new gaming go to is Codenames.  This is a fantastic new team game which won the 2016 UK Games Expo Best Party Game (among other awards).  We've introduced it to a fair few people since we got it less than a year ago, and I know at least two people that have since bought it because they enjoyed playing so much.  This is slightly less nerdy and more party friendly than Stone Age (which requires at least a little nerdy buy in).

In fact, before we had kids we used to host Gaming New Years parties.  This actually began as a revolt against the unnecessary pressure that is New Years Eve.  I have always hated it.  Consequently, I have usually worked on it and/or the day following so that regular folks can go party.  The first gaming New Years we hosted had just 5 guests and a baby.  I came late as was working, and we ate nachos and played 500.  It was basically my ideal New Years.

One of the early Board Gaming New Years(es)

In years following, the numbers grew.  Over the next few years we had probably around 10ish people attend, and while there were games, it was more of a 'party' atmosphere.  The first New Years after we bought our house I was pregnant and grumpy and somehow we ended up hosting a gaming New Years party which about 30 people attended.  What I loved was that 30 people genuinely were happy to come over to play board games.  We set up four(ish) gaming areas to cater for all: uber nerds (big table), party classics (Cranium - lounge), Scrabble corner (spare room), and the drunks/drinkers - (outside).  And it worked, kinda.  I was pregnant and grumpy and as mentioned earlier - not that into New Years.  So it was a bit too big of a party for me but seriously showed how boardgaming can be fun for so many different people.

Post kids we've pulled things back for New Years, but it's still games focused.  When Etta was little we went to a friends place (who also had a baby), played a few games with a group of maybe six of us then went home just after midnight.  Murray went out to games another year.  Then last year we had an awesome boardgaming party of three with Murray's brother Alan.  Back to basics.

Gaming in Rarotonga with Alan (Stone Age incidentally)

What is cool is that our kids are big enough to start enjoying board games too.  I think the kids collection comprises of about seven games - three of which are played regularly at the moment.  Their favorites are Hungry Hungry Hippos (a game which is genuinely fun and playable for the whole family), Shopping List (a memory based kids game) and 3D Action Snakes and Ladders (like the traditional one, only more fun) . It's a great way to spend quality time with our kids whilst imbuing in them (hopefully) our love of gaming as well as some useful skills.

And the things I hope to teach the kids through gaming are all things that I learned through gaming:

1) Hand/eye co-ordination - moving pieces around a board/holding/moving cards in your hand
2) Playing nicely with others
3) Patience - not all players will play (or enjoy playing) at the same pace
4) Learning from observation
5) Remembering information for future use
6) Basic numeracy (and sometimes more complex mathematics)
7) Reading (rules and cards) during game play
8) How to apply logic and problem solve
9) How to learn from and teach others using different methodologies
10) How to generally socialise with other humans

So I've sold you on gaming and you want to give it a go?

Awesome!  If you don't want to invest a bunch of money ($40 - $80 for most good games) then just head to Cakes and Ladders to give it a go!  Cakes and Ladders is a board gaming cafe in Symonds Street where you can have a cuppa and a piece of cake and peruse board games.  The owners also work there and will be happy to help you learn and understand games - this is a great place to start.  If you don't live in Auckland see if there's anything similar close by, or see if there are any gaming clubs nearby (there are a number of them run through Auckland Libraries).

So get gaming!

* Except for Scrabble.  I still love Scrabble.  I think it has endless play value provided you have good people to play with.  And I HAVE played Monopoly in recent years (see!  Photographic evidence - also just FYI - I won).

** It has to be stated for the record that this collection is MOSTLY Murray's who spends a good amount of his hard earned dosh on adding to the collection.  To be fair, I have also bought quite a number of games for him over many Christmases and Birthday's - and before he got the memo (I'd prefer something else) I received a few myself from Murray... But do I appreciate and utilise this collection at will?  Yes!  I love it!