On Why It's Rude To Comment On My Pregnant Body

So I'm pretty much seven months pregnant now, and I look like a proper pregnant person.  Here is a photo from yesterday, which shows me in a tight top at the angle at which I look most massive so you can see for yourself:

The balloon is just a happy accident which further illustrates the roundness of my belly, and I kept Joel in there just because his face is funny and it makes me happy.

I have no real issue with how I look right now.

But since it became obvious that I am pregnant, as opposed to just getting a bit fat, I have had people make comments which are frankly quite rude, about my body.  I know that I'm not giant, but I thought I'd explain why I think it's rude for people to say the things they are saying, and offer some alternative things to say when making smalltalk with a pregnant woman.

1) 'Wow! You must be due soon'
This is what I am most commonly told by random people making small talk (the Pak 'n' Save Teller, the Dude From ILoveUgly, all those Older Lady Customers).  When you say this to someone, you are placing a lot of faith in the fact you are correct, so you should really consider your expertise in this area before dropping the bomb.  Because if you are not correct, you are telling a pregnant woman the following things:

a) She is fatter than she should be
b) She is abnormal
c) Her baby is fat
d) Her baby is abnormal

These things are not very nice things to say to a pregnant woman, particularly if it is her first pregnancy (not that you would know this either) and is already anxious about all the new challenges that this brings.  The only reason I haven't burst into tears on the MANY occasions I've had people say this to me over the past month is because I have educated myself around how much weight I should gain, and my Midwife has reassured me that these people are idiots.  I know that I am not abnormally large, but it is still hurtful to have people constantly inferring that this is the case.

If you do happen to accidentally say this to someone, here is a good save (employed by the Dude From ILoveUgly):
Dude: 'Wow!  You must be due soon'
Me: 'I've still got 10 weeks to go...'   
Dude: 'That's pretty soon.  Sorry, I didn't think you were about to pop.  That must have sounded so bad'
Me: 'Sweet as' (other random smalltalk)

This guy was smart.  He realised how what he said must have sounded to a pregnant woman (he's a Dad, so he should have some idea about how pregnant women feel).

Rather than saying what he did, and having to make the save you could say:
'How many weeks are you?' They will then probably tell you (or tell you to shut up), and then you can say 'Well you are looking great'.  This is perfect small talk to indicate your interest, and that you mean well.  Much better than indicating your interest, and then insulting someone while sounding like an ignorant twat.

2) 'Your baby must be big'.
This irritates me slightly less than the previous example.  This is only because it is likely that my baby is going to be big because Murray is a LOT bigger than me (and he and his brother were not small babies).  It is still not a very nice thing to say.  Particularly when it's followed up with every giant baby Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre styled vaginal delivery story you can think of...  Again, it implies that the person you are talking to is abnormally large (and that they will be punished for this when they give birth).  I don't see why it's acceptable to say this to a woman just because she happens to be pregnant.  Even Kim Kardashian thinks it's rude.

Would you walk up to a morbidly obese person you don't know on the street and say 'Wow!  You're fat.'  Probably not.  Would you walk up to a stranger pushing a pram on the street and say 'Wow!  Your baby's fat.' - Again, I think it's unlikely.  Apply the same good graces here.  Baby weight can be a sensitive issue for some people.  Some people (like me) may be paranoid about their diet whilst pregnant, so saying stuff like this reinforces fears they already have.  We had friends who worried their baby would be small, so asked not to hear their baby's weight after the birth unless it was necessary.  Equally, it's not a nice idea to say 'Your baby must be small.'  Instead of saying either of these things, why not just say 'You are looking very healthy.' or 'You are simply glowing.' These are much nicer things to say to a pregnant woman who may be sore, tired and worried about fitting into clothes or fretting over which nappies to buy.

3) 'Are you having twins?' or (and this is even better) 'Are you sure you've only got one in there?'
No one should ever say either of these statements to any pregnant person.  Ever.  Even if you know she's got knocked up via IVF and was packed full of embryos.  For starters, your chances of being on the money here are about 3% (higher if using the IVF example used above), so it's either obviously meant as a jibe, or meant to illustrate the fact that you are a complete imbecile.  I was asked this horrible question as recently as yesterday, and she was not the first person to do so.  If I had balls (I just can't make myself say ballsy things unless I'm drunk or have watched too much It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) I would have responded by saying: 
'No, there's just one, but it's a big one, and when it gets out it's going to whup your ass.'
I wish I had balls.

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When I bitched about this to Murray he said that people (especially older woman) are just trying to sound 'wise' by saying the kind of things you'd say to people in your 'village' back in the day.  He is right.  I understand that this is a common experience amongst pregnant women.  A nice thing someone said to me yesterday was 'Are you tired of people asking you stupid questions?' Yes. I truly am!  It was less than half an hour after this that the woman asked me if I was having twins.  He understood cos he's a Dad, and remembers what it was like for his ex when she was pregnant.  Most of the people who say these things are not meaning to be hurtful - they just haven't thought about the implications of what they are saying.  And because I'm aware of this, it shouldn't affect me.  But like most women, I have insecurities.  And being pregnant means I have more things to feel insecure about.

I'm entering Parent Dome - which is where people seem to think it's ok to bash others more than anywhere else.  And this bashing starts before the kid even gets here.  Being essentially told I am 'abnormal' feels like being admonished for being a bad parent already.  I guess it's good practice for learning how to let go of this stuff, because it's only going to get worse.

So I have some work to do on my confidence, but for you people reading this, I guess I'm just trying to say it's a smart idea to think about what you're saying to people before you open your mouth.  You can apply this idea to everything - not just making smalltalk with pregnant women.  And if you think I look big in the above photo, that's fine, but it might be good to think about these things:

- I am only 5'2" and my partner is 6'1" ...
- I'm still 5kg away from having put on excess pregnancy weight
- I'm carrying MOST of the extra weight in the front
- I expect to get MUCH bigger than this
- I'm sexy and I know it.

On life and pregnancy today

I couldn't really encapsulate everything in a catchy blog title, which is mostly what's prevented me from writing recently (I worry about the dumbest things!)  But plenty has been happening life-wise, and there have been some fab things and some kinda crappy things.

In awesome news I shouted myself a 10 trip pass to Westwave after really enjoying going swimming with friends over Summer.  This is kind of a big deal for me because I have this phobia of being 'seen' exercising (especially alone) - so I don't exercise in any obvious way in public, ever.  This fear prevents me from doing things like going running or joining a gym, despite being a health conscious, walk-everywhere person.  It sounds stupid, but the idea of people SEEING me exercising has terrified me since I became conscious that other people might think about how I look, and what that says about me (circa age 13).*  I know this is irrational.  Particularly considering I am renowned for cutting my own hair, not wearing make up and dressing like a lunatic.  But exercising in public has always made me extremely uncomfortable and nervous. 

Swimming by myself is less scary than going running.  I think it's because I am primarily under water, so people can't see my body, or how exactly it's flailing about.  People also have very little time to 'judge' what you're exercising in.  Because public exercise has not been something I've ever really done I am paranoid I will wear the wrong everything and people will secretly 'judge' me for it.  I'm also worried about being 'judged' for my fitness level (I'm unco and unfit).  Stress around exercise has in the past, resulted in me hyperventilating, collapsing and ending up in an ambulance - it's a real phobia.  Currently, I'm super pregnant looking and I exercise in a white bikini with strawberries on it.  And I CAN.  After getting through the first time, it's become easier to go.  And the benefit of this (on top of beginning to conquer one of my irrational fears) is that my hip problems are much improved.

My hips are no longer displaced, and I am no longer at physio on a weekly basis.  I am also no longer in a brace, which is good, because it's too hot to be in a brace.  And I am no longer on super strong pain meds.  I do about 20 minutes water walking, and 10 - 20 minutes swimming lengths a couple of times a week.  My swimming is not like how you see swimming depicted in the movies.  I swim back stroke, and spend most of the time focusing specifically on different muscle groups and breathing.  I think of it as preparing myself for labour, and a potential way to get rid of the 'pregnancy related thigh chafe'. And swimming has become almost meditative for me - like a watery extension to yoga.  The worst part about it is that moment of getting out of the water - the illusion of weightlessness is broken and the pressure of that baby is back on your spine.  It's also the moment that the fear resurfaces - people can see me in all my pregnant, non-standard-exercise-bodied glory...  If I could stay in the water indefinitely without fear of the dreaded 'granny fingers', I'd never get out of the pool.

In not-so-good news, toward the end of last week found out that starting as soon as legally possible, my hours at work will be cut down to almost non-existent (one day a week).  Normally this kind of revelation would make me pretty angry and freaked out, but I think I've handled this news fairly well.  I had an initial freak out re: money, but did some sums, and realised things will be ok.  Because I'm hyper-organised it means we should only have one month where things are financially harder than normal before the baby arrives.

Given recent changes at work, this also didn't really come as a huge shock.  My place of work had kinda been like my baby for the last two and a half years, and after the new owner took over last November, I had to start to let it go.  It's been hard because I see on a daily basis what it can contribute to a community that desperately needs it, and I will miss, and worry about that community.  I may have part time work to come back to when I'm ready, but I think it is highly likely I won't be going back.  It is time to let go and move on.  The place I will be coming back to will be a very different place to the one I will have left - all good things must come to an end.

The hardest part about this is something I was likely to have to deal with at some point anyway - being totally financially reliant on someone else.  I have paid my own way since I moved out of home at 18, and although I have had some help along the way, I have always been financially independent.  Financial independence and work are big parts of my identity, and losing that coupled with being pregnant (people treat pregnant people differently), and knowing I'll be a 'mum' soon, is a real mind-fuck.  So while we'll be financially ok, I don't know how emotionally ok I'll be with this change.  And I don't know if/how this will impact on Murray - my role changing also changes his.  Re-establishing confidence in who you are and what your role is, is a big deal.  And if I have to be home alone for big chunks of time, this might exacerbate the issue of me feeling useless and confused.

So whilst waiting for invites to low-cost (no cost, no brain, close to home) events in April to arrive in my inbox, and some pregnancy friendly local cash work to magically appear, I've been compiling a list of things that need doing.  I am a pro at procrastinating project completion.  So with the extra time I have (brain allowing) I plan to finish a few projects that have been gathering dust in the corner.  I'm hoping to see a small book or two come to fruition by the time this baby turns up.

For more than four years, 'creating' was one of the biggest components of my identity.  So in spending some time getting back to that, I hope to reaffirm that part of myself as being 'useful' or 'important'.  There are other roles I have that won't change - I'm the primary keeper-of-the-house, chef/shopper/nutritionist, financial controller and time management planner.  Sadly, like many people it is hard for me to see these roles as important.  Don't get me wrong, I know that they are - we couldn't have bought a house without this skill set.  But because it is a small part of how I use my time, it's hard to see it on par with 'going to work'.  I'm also currently a baby incubator, baby stuff 'resourcer' and prengnancy/parenting researcher.  These are also important roles which do take up a lot of time, energy and brain which I also need to start placing more value on.  So I will use this extra time to establish ways of doing exactly that.  And then apply that learning to bigger picture stuff (where to next after children)...

So while there are big changes in the very near future, I am focusing on the positive opportunities facilitated by these changes. And that focus makes this change manageable.


*Pregnancy yoga is different, cos it's low impact (no red face) and everyone looks fat (pregnant) and stupid (yoga) and no-one is spectating, so I'm not really making myself a spectacle.

On Not Having Kids

I tried to Google 'Over The Top Parent' and this is what came up. 
Over the Top is an AWESOME movie!  He can lift weights while driving his truck!

I know I'm pregnant now, and it's planned and all that, but for many years I was very much in the 'No kids thanks' camp.

I have never looked at a baby and wanted one of my own.  I only ever get 'clucky' with cute animals - 'puppy shopping' (going to pet stores and looking at puppies) has for a long time been a hang-over cure/cheerer-upper of mine.  I just never understood why people go nuts over babies - they don't do much besides crap and cry.  Does this make me an abnormal woman - a heartless person?  I think it makes me a pretty rational person.... (rational enough not to buy the puppy).

I read an article today about women who choose not to have children that made me feel a little like a 'traitor'.  I was one of these women - but now I guess I'm not.  It's weird because I don't feel any different.  I am still not 'clucky'.  And although I am grateful to be pregnant after much planning, trial and error, I don't have any kind of 'special' feeling about it.  I still feel icky every time the baby rolls over - it still makes me think of Aliens.  And I don't talk to the baby - it seems illogical - it can hear my voice and I talk a lot.  After serious consideration we decided to give this parenting malarkey a go, but neither of us would have been terribly sad had parenting not happened for us.

The pressure to have children is immense.  I had family members ask me when I was planning to get knocked up at points in time where I was single, and under 25.  The first time I held a baby at a family function everyone whipped their camera's out like paparazzi (I had held plenty of babies before, just never around my family - for obvious reasons).  My now mother-in-law began her 'when-are-you-having-babies' sneak attack every time Murray left the room from the second time I visited there for dinner.  I think it took until I was 30 for my family to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely wanted to be child-free.

And then I decided to get knocked up and confuse the smeg out of everyone.

My reasons behind not wanting to have kids included:

1. I have no maternal feelings whatsoever.
2. The thought of carrying human spawn in my body is terrifying.
3. The world is overpopulated - why make things worse?
4. I already have a large amount of friends and family to spend time with and look after.
5. I have mental health issues which require constant self-monitoring (should I even be a parent?).
6. The timing is wrong financially/emotionally/relationship-wise.

And except the timing, none of those things have changed.  I think I just got to a point where I thought raising a little person was a challenge I was ready for.  This was aided by the fact I'm in a Civil Union with a guy who undeniably will make a great Dad (despite him saying he wants kids 'So someone can look after me when I'm old')  I would have preferred to adopt (helps allay reasons 2 and 3), but unfortunately due to being in a Civil Union, being a NZer and not being rich enough to adopt internationally, this wasn't a practical option for us.  These are the only reasons we are taking the old fashioned route to parenthood.  Trust me, I'm not a fan of this route.

I agree that the main reason people struggle with women choosing not to have kids is because of old fashioned ideas around 'family'.  It does seem many people still think singles, gay couples or child-free couples are bereft of family.  This is ridiculous.  I have two child-free Aunts - am I not their family?  As a couple we currently have so many important people in our lives, that we've had to split most of our big events into two separate parties to house everyone.  Why is it so essential to add a child to that mix?  Logistically, it's crazy for us to do exactly that.

The other point raised in the article was about the 'selfishness' of being child-free.  Why is choosing not to have kids 'selfish?' Yes, it means you have more time and possibly money to do things like go out with friends, read books, have a life etc.  But how is this any more 'selfish' than the woman who becomes a parent to 'fill the gap', or 'have someone to pass xxx on to'?  I felt so strongly about not having kids, and felt so sorry for people who couldn't have kids that I decided to be an egg donor - how is this a selfish act?  Yes, parents give much of themselves all the time, and their job is never done - but this doesn't mean that the child-free person is not equally giving of themselves in other ways. Does Oprah Winfrey have kids?  Is she a 'selfish' person?  (Sorry for the tacky example, but you get the point)

So yes, we're having a kid, but my feelings around not having kids haven't really changed.  I am ok with not being maternal - I don't think it's a necessity for good parenting so long as you love your kid.  The human spawn thing - still creepy - mightn't do this again.  Overpopulation?  Still feeling bad about that, saving grace is that Kiwi's don't breed as much as many other people, so that whole 'replacing yourself' theory is semi-applicable (if you think New Zealand is the center of the universe).  I've semi-successfully managed my mental health issues over the last five years and have plans in place for if I'm not coping.  I also have an awesome co-parent on-board.  And my friends and whanau will always be friends and whanau - whether they choose to have kids or not.

On NZd's Health Advocacy System

A bunch of stuff happened last year whilst a bunch of other stuff was happening, so there are a lot of things I would have liked to write about, that I didn't quite get to write about.  One of those things was about the problems Mum had getting medical support through the public system, and what actions we took to (successfully) negate these issues.

Mum  has a long history of gynaecological issues, and has spent the last few years dealing with various prolapses.  Prolapses (uterine and other) are very common in women that have had multiple births and hysterectomy's.  In fact, about 40% of women who've had a hysterectomy will have a vaginal vault prolapse.  That's a lot of women.  You think we'd hear more about this prolapse thing. 

So because it's a common condition which comes in a range of severities, it is often not prioritised by our health system.  Mum had a prolapse for three years before she could even get on the waiting list to be seen by a specialist.  We were very lucky that her GP really pushed to get her into hospital at any chance she got.  The impact this was having on Mum's life was quite major - she became to unwell to work, and had difficulty walking even small distances.  She was in constant pain.  It's hard watching your very active, workaholic Mum go through this, and even harder for her to live through it.

Finally she got a date for an initial surgery.  This surgery appeared to have gone well, but shortly following surgery, her prolapse recurred.  She had an outpatients appointment with her surgeon, and at that stage was told that basically they couldn't perform the surgery required as she hadn't signed the right paperwork (they hadn't given it to her).  Not only that, but more surgery wasn't planned 'at this stage' as 'sometimes these things just work themselves out'.

Mum was devastated.  She felt as though she had just been written off.  Not only that, but she was back at square one with no real answer on  how to move forward.  She talked about writing to various people, so I looked up contact details for these people (Mum doesn't have a computer or internet).  On searching for this, I found out about our Health and Disability Advocacy service and with Mum's permission, got in touch.  This service has representatives all over New Zealand, and they will travel to see people that are not well enough to come and see them.  Their role is to ensure people know about their rights regarding health and disability care, and to help you lodge complaints if needed.  With their help, we wrote a letter of complaint to the hospital concerned regarding the specialist concerned.  The advocate we dealt with was lovely (although I re-edited the letter for grammar), and helped Mum to feel as though she was important, and her concerns valid.

Following this, we received a date for mediation at which we would sit down with our Advocate and the surgeon and talk through the issues that we had raised with the complaint.  It turns out that we never even got to mediation - an appointment with Mum's surgeon magically appeared.  We could have our Advocate come with us to the appointment, but Mum thought that might exacerbate things - so I went to ensure Mum said what she needed to without getting too upset, and that there were two people there to listen and understand what the next step was.

The squeaky wheel gets the grease.  At this appointment we found out the reason for earlier issues was that they found on opening Mum up that things were worse than anticipated, and any useful surgery was far more invasive than what she'd signed on for.  We asked all the questions we wanted, and the surgeon answered them.  Mum would be having a more extreme surgery as soon as scheduling allowed. 

I wasn't at the appointment when everything went wrong, but following the new appointment both Mum and I decided there was no point in going to mediation - her concerns had been heard, and there was a plan - this was the outcome we wanted from mediation anyway.  Not only that, but we came away from the appointment really liking that surgeon.  I imagine that at the follow up where things went wrong there may have been issues of communication on both sides, and this happens - everyone has bad days.  We also decided that I will go to Mum's appointments with her, because two sets of ears and eyes are better than one (and I am more bolshy and less scared of asking questions).

Mum had that surgery, and it was very invasive, and recovery was long and painful.  Unfortunately, around Christmas she had another prolapse.  We have been back to see the specialist, and she is now waiting on a third surgery.  I arrived to this appointment late, and when I got there, surgery had been decided on, and Mum was just doing paperwork.  When her specialist saw me he was really happy, told me what was happening, and gave me some names of surgeons so I could look up the procedure Mum was having online and watch it (which Mum and I did after the appointment).  He also learnt I was pregnant, and was excited to hear I would be birthing at Waitakere - if things go wrong and I need a C Section - he will be my surgeon, and I'm kind of glad about that.

So even though we didn't go through the entire advocacy process, what we did go through was of massive help.  We now have a great relationship with Mum's surgeon/specialist, and although her health isn't magically better, there is a plan, and we have confidence that the health system is doing what it can to get Mum as well as possible.  I am grateful to live in a country where we have free public healthcare.  We can't expect this system to be perfect, or super fast - but we can learn how to use it better, so we can help negotiate better outcomes for ourselves and our loved ones.  Advocacy services helped us to do this.  I highly recommend it to anyone struggling to feel heard.

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What prompted me writing this was learning that government funding will be cut to one of our beneficiary advocacy services.  I haven't personally used this service, but I have been on the unemployment benefit, and the sickness benefit before.  Like our hospital systems, these systems are not easy to understand, or get the most out of without help or negotiation.  I found out I was eligible for certain things through friends - not staff at WINZ.  Had I known the advocacy service was around at the time, I would have used it. 

At the end of last year, NZ had more people unemployed than at any time in the last 13 years.  It seems ridiculous to me to get rid of a service at a time it is most needed.  PLEASE think about these advocacy services and who they help.  A country where our ill are supported to get back on their feet, and where our unemployed can eat, while getting the confidence and support to get back into work seems far better than one where people in unfortunate circumstances are left to rot.  Education and support is key, and it currently appears we'll need a change in government to facilitate this.  People like my Mum are important in building our country, and there are many of them struggling out there at the moment.