I couldn't really encapsulate everything in a catchy blog title, which is mostly what's prevented me from writing recently (I worry about the dumbest things!) But plenty has been happening life-wise, and there have been some fab things and some kinda crappy things.
In awesome news I shouted myself a 10 trip pass to Westwave after really enjoying going swimming with friends over Summer. This is kind of a big deal for me because I have this phobia of being 'seen' exercising (especially alone) - so I don't exercise in any obvious way in public, ever. This fear prevents me from doing things like going running or joining a gym, despite being a health conscious, walk-everywhere person. It sounds stupid, but the idea of people SEEING me exercising has terrified me since I became conscious that other people might think about how I look, and what that says about me (circa age 13).* I know this is irrational. Particularly considering I am renowned for cutting my own hair, not wearing make up and dressing like a lunatic. But exercising in public has always made me extremely uncomfortable and nervous.
Swimming by myself is less scary than going running. I think it's because I am primarily under water, so people can't see my body, or how exactly it's flailing about. People also have very little time to 'judge' what you're exercising in. Because public exercise has not been something I've ever really done I am paranoid I will wear the wrong everything and people will secretly 'judge' me for it. I'm also worried about being 'judged' for my fitness level (I'm unco and unfit). Stress around exercise has in the past, resulted in me hyperventilating, collapsing and ending up in an ambulance - it's a real phobia. Currently, I'm super pregnant looking and I exercise in a white bikini with strawberries on it. And I CAN. After getting through the first time, it's become easier to go. And the benefit of this (on top of beginning to conquer one of my irrational fears) is that my hip problems are much improved.
My hips are no longer displaced, and I am no longer at physio on a weekly basis. I am also no longer in a brace, which is good, because it's too hot to be in a brace. And I am no longer on super strong pain meds. I do about 20 minutes water walking, and 10 - 20 minutes swimming lengths a couple of times a week. My swimming is not like how you see swimming depicted in the movies. I swim back stroke, and spend most of the time focusing specifically on different muscle groups and breathing. I think of it as preparing myself for labour, and a potential way to get rid of the 'pregnancy related thigh chafe'. And swimming has become almost meditative for me - like a watery extension to yoga. The worst part about it is that moment of getting out of the water - the illusion of weightlessness is broken and the pressure of that baby is back on your spine. It's also the moment that the fear resurfaces - people can see me in all my pregnant, non-standard-exercise-bodied glory... If I could stay in the water indefinitely without fear of the dreaded 'granny fingers', I'd never get out of the pool.
In not-so-good news, toward the end of last week found out that starting as soon as legally possible, my hours at work will be cut down to almost non-existent (one day a week). Normally this kind of revelation would make me pretty angry and freaked out, but I think I've handled this news fairly well. I had an initial freak out re: money, but did some sums, and realised things will be ok. Because I'm hyper-organised it means we should only have one month where things are financially harder than normal before the baby arrives.
Given recent changes at work, this also didn't really come as a huge shock. My place of work had kinda been like my baby for the last two and a half years, and after the new owner took over last November, I had to start to let it go. It's been hard because I see on a daily basis what it can contribute to a community that desperately needs it, and I will miss, and worry about that community. I may have part time work to come back to when I'm ready, but I think it is highly likely I won't be going back. It is time to let go and move on. The place I will be coming back to will be a very different place to the one I will have left - all good things must come to an end.
The hardest part about this is something I was likely to have to deal with at some point anyway - being totally financially reliant on someone else. I have paid my own way since I moved out of home at 18, and although I have had some help along the way, I have always been financially independent. Financial independence and work are big parts of my identity, and losing that coupled with being pregnant (people treat pregnant people differently), and knowing I'll be a 'mum' soon, is a real mind-fuck. So while we'll be financially ok, I don't know how emotionally ok I'll be with this change. And I don't know if/how this will impact on Murray - my role changing also changes his. Re-establishing confidence in who you are and what your role is, is a big deal. And if I have to be home alone for big chunks of time, this might exacerbate the issue of me feeling useless and confused.
So whilst waiting for invites to low-cost (no cost, no brain, close to home) events in April to arrive in my inbox, and some pregnancy friendly local cash work to magically appear, I've been compiling a list of things that need doing. I am a pro at procrastinating project completion. So with the extra time I have (brain allowing) I plan to finish a few projects that have been gathering dust in the corner. I'm hoping to see a small book or two come to fruition by the time this baby turns up.
For more than four years, 'creating' was one of the biggest components of my identity. So in spending some time getting back to that, I hope to reaffirm that part of myself as being 'useful' or 'important'. There are other roles I have that won't change - I'm the primary keeper-of-the-house, chef/shopper/nutritionist, financial controller and time management planner. Sadly, like many people it is hard for me to see these roles as important. Don't get me wrong, I know that they are - we couldn't have bought a house without this skill set. But because it is a small part of how I use my time, it's hard to see it on par with 'going to work'. I'm also currently a baby incubator, baby stuff 'resourcer' and prengnancy/parenting researcher. These are also important roles which do take up a lot of time, energy and brain which I also need to start placing more value on. So I will use this extra time to establish ways of doing exactly that. And then apply that learning to bigger picture stuff (where to next after children)...
So while there are big changes in the very near future, I am focusing on the positive opportunities facilitated by these changes. And that focus makes this change manageable.
*Pregnancy yoga is different, cos it's low impact (no red face)
and everyone looks fat (pregnant) and stupid (yoga) and no-one is spectating, so I'm not really making myself a spectacle.
