So I'm pretty much seven months pregnant now, and I look like a proper pregnant person. Here is a photo from yesterday, which shows me in a tight top at the angle at which I look most massive so you can see for yourself:
The balloon is just a happy accident which further illustrates the roundness of my belly, and I kept Joel in there just because his face is funny and it makes me happy.
I have no real issue with how I look right now.
But since it became obvious that I am pregnant, as opposed to just getting a bit fat, I have had people make comments which are frankly quite rude, about my body. I know that I'm not giant, but I thought I'd explain why I think it's rude for people to say the things they are saying, and offer some alternative things to say when making smalltalk with a pregnant woman.
1) 'Wow! You must be due soon'
This is what I am most commonly told by random people making small talk (the Pak 'n' Save Teller, the Dude From ILoveUgly, all those Older Lady Customers). When you say this to someone, you are placing a lot of faith in the fact you are correct, so you should really consider your expertise in this area before dropping the bomb. Because if you are not correct, you are telling a pregnant woman the following things:
a) She is fatter than she should be
b) She is abnormal
c) Her baby is fat
d) Her baby is abnormal
These things are not very nice things to say to a pregnant woman, particularly if it is her first pregnancy (not that you would know this either) and is already anxious about all the new challenges that this brings. The only reason I haven't burst into tears on the MANY occasions I've had people say this to me over the past month is because I have educated myself around how much weight I should gain, and my Midwife has reassured me that these people are idiots. I know that I am not abnormally large, but it is still hurtful to have people constantly inferring that this is the case.
If you do happen to accidentally say this to someone, here is a good save (employed by the Dude From ILoveUgly):
Dude: 'Wow! You must be due soon'
Dude: 'That's pretty soon. Sorry, I didn't think you were about to pop. That must have sounded so bad'
Me: 'Sweet as' (other random smalltalk)
This guy was smart. He realised how what he said must have sounded to a pregnant woman (he's a Dad, so he should have some idea about how pregnant women feel).
Rather than saying what he did, and having to make the save you could say:
'How many weeks are you?' They will then probably tell you (or tell you to shut up), and then you can say 'Well you are looking great'. This is perfect small talk to indicate your interest, and that you mean well. Much better than indicating your interest, and then insulting someone while sounding like an ignorant twat.
2) 'Your baby must be big'.
This irritates me slightly less than the previous example. This is only because it is likely that my baby is going to be big because Murray is a LOT bigger than me (and he and his brother were not small babies). It is still not a very nice thing to say. Particularly when it's followed up with every giant baby Texas-Chainsaw-Massacre styled vaginal delivery story you can think of... Again, it implies that the person you are talking to is abnormally large (and that they will be punished for this when they give birth). I don't see why it's acceptable to say this to a woman just because she happens to be pregnant. Even Kim Kardashian thinks it's rude.
Would you walk up to a morbidly obese person you don't know on the street and say 'Wow! You're fat.' Probably not. Would you walk up to a stranger pushing a pram on the street and say 'Wow! Your baby's fat.' - Again, I think it's unlikely. Apply the same good graces here. Baby weight can be a sensitive issue for some people. Some people (like me) may be paranoid about their diet whilst pregnant, so saying stuff like this reinforces fears they already have. We had friends who worried their baby would be small, so asked not to hear their baby's weight after the birth unless it was necessary. Equally, it's not a nice idea to say 'Your baby must be small.' Instead of saying either of these things, why not just say 'You are looking very healthy.' or 'You are simply glowing.' These are much nicer things to say to a pregnant woman who may be sore, tired and worried about fitting into clothes or fretting over which nappies to buy.
3) 'Are you having twins?' or (and this is even better) 'Are you sure you've only got one in there?'
No one should ever say either of these statements to any pregnant person. Ever. Even if you know she's got knocked up via IVF and was packed full of embryos. For starters, your chances of being on the money here are about 3% (higher if using the IVF example used above), so it's either obviously meant as a jibe, or meant to illustrate the fact that you are a complete imbecile. I was asked this horrible question as recently as yesterday, and she was not the first person to do so. If I had balls (I just can't make myself say ballsy things unless I'm drunk or have watched too much It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia) I would have responded by saying:
'No, there's just one, but it's a big one, and when it gets out it's going to whup your ass.'
I wish I had balls.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
When I bitched about this to Murray he said that people (especially older woman) are just trying to sound 'wise' by saying the kind of things you'd say to people in your 'village' back in the day. He is right. I understand that this is a common experience amongst pregnant women. A nice thing someone said to me yesterday was 'Are you tired of people asking you stupid questions?' Yes. I truly am! It was less than half an hour after this that the woman asked me if I was having twins. He understood cos he's a Dad, and remembers what it was like for his ex when she was pregnant. Most of the people who say these things are not meaning to be hurtful - they just haven't thought about the implications of what they are saying. And because I'm aware of this, it shouldn't affect me. But like most women, I have insecurities. And being pregnant means I have more things to feel insecure about.
I'm entering Parent Dome - which is where people seem to think it's ok to bash others more than anywhere else. And this bashing starts before the kid even gets here. Being essentially told I am 'abnormal' feels like being admonished for being a bad parent already. I guess it's good practice for learning how to let go of this stuff, because it's only going to get worse.
So I have some work to do on my confidence, but for you people reading this, I guess I'm just trying to say it's a smart idea to think about what you're saying to people before you open your mouth. You can apply this idea to everything - not just making smalltalk with pregnant women. And if you think I look big in the above photo, that's fine, but it might be good to think about these things:
- I am only 5'2" and my partner is 6'1" ...
- I'm still 5kg away from having put on excess pregnancy weight
- I'm carrying MOST of the extra weight in the front
- I expect to get MUCH bigger than this
- I'm sexy and I know it.
