On Joining The Gym: Part II

I thought I better do a follow up to my last post.
And given that I'm hoping this is no small time thing, I will probably do more of these follow ups as things change.

In the last two weeks I've seen big changes - although my weight hasn't changed much at all.  It seems to have stabilised - I haven't gained any, but I haven't lost much either.  I sit between 72.2 and at the highest - 75.  But have been mostly around 73.  While this has felt a little frustrating, it's not so bad because of the other changes I'm seeing.

 I've lost this much already!                 
If I lose 10cm more I'll fit my old clothes      

I've lost about 5 centimeters off my waist.  In Americaspeak, that's 2 inches.  It's a whole dress size!  I'm not out shopping for a whole new wardrobe because in all truth, I've been just wearing too-tight clothes for a while now.  I already had to buy bigger clothes after my first jump in weight and refused to spend even more.  The bras I refused to replace which dug into my bulging flesh now sit as they should.  I can even fit into the sports bra that has literally never fit me.  I bought it on a whim 6 months ago (it was a good brand on clearance and I thought it might encourage me to exercise).  And that's been handy because now I do need sports bras.  My clothes are sitting better and I feel much less self conscious than I did just a few months ago.

And I've been given my exercise program.  On seeing what's expected of me I immediately regretted putting 'core strength' as one of my priorities.  While some parts of the program are ok for me, and the trainer absolutely took my interests and needs into account, some parts are hard.  I know they are supposed to be hard - how else am I going to get fit?  But because they are directed at my areas of weakness, they are super hard for me.  I know, I know, I asked for this.  But a girl can still complain, right?  On the first run through with the trainer I realised just how weak my core is.  I struggled with a couple of the exercises - one which I've seen/done in yoga numerous times and I just suck at, and one which is truly hard.  All of the arm based exercises set were ok for me, and after running through those I started to feel more confident.

And then I met The Grinder.



The Grinder is a machine designed to make people like me cry.  It is like a bicycle for your hands, but I find this harder than any bicycle I've ever sat on.  The trainer said 'So you go this direction for 30 seconds and try and keep above 50rpm, and then go the other way for 30 seconds.'  So I did that.  And it was hard, but I managed it.  I felt a real sense of achievement.  And then they said 'Now, you're going to do that for five minutes.'

Five minutes.

Were they kidding?  There is no way I can do that for five minutes.  I strained my left tricep just doing that for one minute.  That machine is crazy.  That machine will be the death of me, of my arms anyway.  So far, I have only managed two minutes.  I stopped there because I felt like if I did another minute I might not be able to drive home from the gym.  But I'm not going to just not do it.  I will keep trying.  Maybe six months from now I will manage five.  This sort of goal is just as useful to have as a weight loss goal.  How cool will it be to be that much stronger?

   This is the goal at this stage.
Subject to change (due to tiredness)

The other thing I'm proud of is that I have been utilising that membership as best I can.  Any time I can get away from the house alone, I have gone away to the gym.  I've managed to go four times a week for the last two weeks.  And we were away on holiday for two days over that time!  Most of the time I have just been swimming.  But now that school is back I'm hoping to get into some sort of regular exercise regime. 

While I have not been in the gym as much as I'd liked*, I am feeling positive about what I am doing.  Because regardless of how I'm exercising, it's more than I was doing.  I am getting fitter, stronger and slimmer.  There are a number of everyday things I am finding easier to do - shifting stock at work, picking up the kids.  Seeing the results in this way - making life easier, really makes me keen to see even bigger changes in the future.

What I am struggling with at the moment is (as always) balance.  Being new to regular exercise, there are many things to learn.  One of the things that will just come over time is understanding my bodies limits.  When to push through, and when to stop.  In the gym, I find these things present themselves more easily - but this could equally be that I'm just not pushing as much as I could because it feels so foreign.  When I get shaky or something hurts or my breathing becomes inconsistent, I stop.  Swimming is different.  Swimming is relaxing.  Swimming is enjoyable for me, and because I pace myself I can just do it for quite a long time and often don't realise I've hit my limit.

Only 3kg until I'm roughly this size.           

But feeling like I am at this level of confidence now.

I've had a couple of occasions that I felt ok in the water only to come out of the pool and realise I was shaky on my feet.  Maybe that's ok?  I'm not sure.  I seem to be ok. This is often the case when I go straight from work to the pool so I'm probably just tired from being physically active over a long time.  The thing is though, I've found this is one of the best times for me to go swimming.  Not just because it works in well with having childcare available, but because it helps my feet stop hurting (side effect of working retail) and takes the pressure off all those achy joints.  It has been one of the best things for work related aches.

               Abby's first swimming lesson.
It's been almost that long since I felt comfortable
              enough in my skin to go in the water. 
                  Now I'm struggling to get out!


Exercise is also addictive... Just like chocolate it releases endorphins which make you feel good.  So once you start feeling good, you naturally want that feeling more and more.  This is why (for many folk) it's a great way of managing anxiety and depression.  In this respect, it is certainly working for me.  I've cut my medication back down (after raising it a little to manage panic attacks in October).  On the other side of things I just have to be mindful of my tendency to get hooked on crutches.  I've done this with diet and exercise before (in my early 20's).  Making large, measurable changes to your own body can feel very powerful.  If you've had periods where you felt you had no control in your life, discovering that you have power can be a dangerous thing.  It's easy to get caught up in these changes.  This is why I've set realistic, gradual weight loss goals and done very little to my diet.  I don't want to get caught up.  Addiction is unhealthy, whether it's to sugar, heroin or exercise.

I am really looking forward to seeing how this first week of my new schedule works out.  I'm hopeful that with the usual routine of school/kindy etc back having a routine will start to feel less frenetic and more normal.  And I'm hoping to maintain this level of excited, without getting obsessive.  I have my fingers crossed for both.




* Still swimming more than gymming

On life and pregnancy today

I couldn't really encapsulate everything in a catchy blog title, which is mostly what's prevented me from writing recently (I worry about the dumbest things!)  But plenty has been happening life-wise, and there have been some fab things and some kinda crappy things.

In awesome news I shouted myself a 10 trip pass to Westwave after really enjoying going swimming with friends over Summer.  This is kind of a big deal for me because I have this phobia of being 'seen' exercising (especially alone) - so I don't exercise in any obvious way in public, ever.  This fear prevents me from doing things like going running or joining a gym, despite being a health conscious, walk-everywhere person.  It sounds stupid, but the idea of people SEEING me exercising has terrified me since I became conscious that other people might think about how I look, and what that says about me (circa age 13).*  I know this is irrational.  Particularly considering I am renowned for cutting my own hair, not wearing make up and dressing like a lunatic.  But exercising in public has always made me extremely uncomfortable and nervous. 

Swimming by myself is less scary than going running.  I think it's because I am primarily under water, so people can't see my body, or how exactly it's flailing about.  People also have very little time to 'judge' what you're exercising in.  Because public exercise has not been something I've ever really done I am paranoid I will wear the wrong everything and people will secretly 'judge' me for it.  I'm also worried about being 'judged' for my fitness level (I'm unco and unfit).  Stress around exercise has in the past, resulted in me hyperventilating, collapsing and ending up in an ambulance - it's a real phobia.  Currently, I'm super pregnant looking and I exercise in a white bikini with strawberries on it.  And I CAN.  After getting through the first time, it's become easier to go.  And the benefit of this (on top of beginning to conquer one of my irrational fears) is that my hip problems are much improved.

My hips are no longer displaced, and I am no longer at physio on a weekly basis.  I am also no longer in a brace, which is good, because it's too hot to be in a brace.  And I am no longer on super strong pain meds.  I do about 20 minutes water walking, and 10 - 20 minutes swimming lengths a couple of times a week.  My swimming is not like how you see swimming depicted in the movies.  I swim back stroke, and spend most of the time focusing specifically on different muscle groups and breathing.  I think of it as preparing myself for labour, and a potential way to get rid of the 'pregnancy related thigh chafe'. And swimming has become almost meditative for me - like a watery extension to yoga.  The worst part about it is that moment of getting out of the water - the illusion of weightlessness is broken and the pressure of that baby is back on your spine.  It's also the moment that the fear resurfaces - people can see me in all my pregnant, non-standard-exercise-bodied glory...  If I could stay in the water indefinitely without fear of the dreaded 'granny fingers', I'd never get out of the pool.

In not-so-good news, toward the end of last week found out that starting as soon as legally possible, my hours at work will be cut down to almost non-existent (one day a week).  Normally this kind of revelation would make me pretty angry and freaked out, but I think I've handled this news fairly well.  I had an initial freak out re: money, but did some sums, and realised things will be ok.  Because I'm hyper-organised it means we should only have one month where things are financially harder than normal before the baby arrives.

Given recent changes at work, this also didn't really come as a huge shock.  My place of work had kinda been like my baby for the last two and a half years, and after the new owner took over last November, I had to start to let it go.  It's been hard because I see on a daily basis what it can contribute to a community that desperately needs it, and I will miss, and worry about that community.  I may have part time work to come back to when I'm ready, but I think it is highly likely I won't be going back.  It is time to let go and move on.  The place I will be coming back to will be a very different place to the one I will have left - all good things must come to an end.

The hardest part about this is something I was likely to have to deal with at some point anyway - being totally financially reliant on someone else.  I have paid my own way since I moved out of home at 18, and although I have had some help along the way, I have always been financially independent.  Financial independence and work are big parts of my identity, and losing that coupled with being pregnant (people treat pregnant people differently), and knowing I'll be a 'mum' soon, is a real mind-fuck.  So while we'll be financially ok, I don't know how emotionally ok I'll be with this change.  And I don't know if/how this will impact on Murray - my role changing also changes his.  Re-establishing confidence in who you are and what your role is, is a big deal.  And if I have to be home alone for big chunks of time, this might exacerbate the issue of me feeling useless and confused.

So whilst waiting for invites to low-cost (no cost, no brain, close to home) events in April to arrive in my inbox, and some pregnancy friendly local cash work to magically appear, I've been compiling a list of things that need doing.  I am a pro at procrastinating project completion.  So with the extra time I have (brain allowing) I plan to finish a few projects that have been gathering dust in the corner.  I'm hoping to see a small book or two come to fruition by the time this baby turns up.

For more than four years, 'creating' was one of the biggest components of my identity.  So in spending some time getting back to that, I hope to reaffirm that part of myself as being 'useful' or 'important'.  There are other roles I have that won't change - I'm the primary keeper-of-the-house, chef/shopper/nutritionist, financial controller and time management planner.  Sadly, like many people it is hard for me to see these roles as important.  Don't get me wrong, I know that they are - we couldn't have bought a house without this skill set.  But because it is a small part of how I use my time, it's hard to see it on par with 'going to work'.  I'm also currently a baby incubator, baby stuff 'resourcer' and prengnancy/parenting researcher.  These are also important roles which do take up a lot of time, energy and brain which I also need to start placing more value on.  So I will use this extra time to establish ways of doing exactly that.  And then apply that learning to bigger picture stuff (where to next after children)...

So while there are big changes in the very near future, I am focusing on the positive opportunities facilitated by these changes. And that focus makes this change manageable.


*Pregnancy yoga is different, cos it's low impact (no red face) and everyone looks fat (pregnant) and stupid (yoga) and no-one is spectating, so I'm not really making myself a spectacle.

On Being A Pregnant Cripple

Check out my smiley belt.  Sexy as.

Back pain is common in pregnancy as we not only put on disproportionate weight, but also produce a hormone called relaxin, which 'relaxes' ligaments, bone structures and arteries in preparation for birth.  This can make some women feel super awesome, but can also cause issues as bits of the body may 'relax' into awkward places.  I have had back pain, and treatment before, but none of it compares to what I am experiencing now due to pregnancy.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *              *

As a relevant, early sidebar, I started doing maternity yoga about three weeks ago.  I decided to do this because I wanted to do some prep for child birth.  I have learnt a lot from this yoga class.  I learnt that I was basically doing everything wrong.  I was sleeping, sitting and standing wrong.  I learnt about relaxin, and about some positions I shouldn't get into, not just because they aren't lady like, but because they might damage me now cos of the stupid relaxin.

I left my first yoga class completely re-educated, traumatised, and worried about how I would possibly be able to sleep in a different-to-usual position.  I cannot stress enough that this education was very useful.  If you are going to give birth for the first time, I recommend going to maternity yoga.  In spite of the fact that it makes me nauseated (due to low blood pressure) and tearful, I am learning things I may never have learnt without it.  And they are practical and logical things - not just hippy la la things.

I'm learning a bunch of exercises, some that will hopefully help my back (I told my yoga instructor I was having issues).  And I bought a Swiss Ball the day after my first yoga class in an attempt to sit on the couch less (the couch is apparently evil).  I haven't been 100% good with my posture, but I'm aware of it and trying, and exercising and I am attempting to sleep differently.

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *              *

Concurrently...  About a month ago I found out you can get a physio appointment via your Midwife, so asked my Midwife to organise me one because I was having some lower back pain.  And then waited and waited.  I am a person who doesn't like to 'bug' people, so didn't want to 'bug' my Midwife for a few weeks.  Then she went on holiday, and I would have to 'bug' her birthing partner who I haven't met before.  So I didn't 'bug' her until I had to leave work because I had trouble turning on the computer...

As soon as I 'bugged' her, I got a phone call from the hospital to organise me an appointment for the next day (go Midwife!).  I wish I had been brave enough to bug her earlier.  This is one of the annoying things about being anxious.  I think had I been brave enough to 'bug' her earlier, my back may not have gotten to this point.  It still might have, but case in point, being braver is smarter. 

So on Wednesday I had an appointment with the hospital physio, and she was brilliant.  I like physio - I've done a fair whack of it, so it was also nice to be the 'good' patient wearing appropriate clothing and footwear and knowing stuff and things (once a teacher's pet, always a teacher's pet).   And it was so nice to be told I have the 'typical' symptoms of a hip problem.  It's really nice to be 'typical', because it means people know what to do with you.  My right hip is tilted too far forward, and is not very mobile.  Hence pain with movement, and sometimes extreme pain as other muscles and bits catch in the hip joint.  So the joint needs to learn where it's supposed to go, and needs to be mobilised.  So she did some very mild joint manipulation and fitted me with a Smiley belt and some more exercises to mobilise the hip.  I felt instant relief as soon as she put the belt on.

So I went to work yesterday feeling super confident with my new belt and understanding as to why my back was not my friend.  I wish confidence was a better placebo than I'd assumed.  At about 1.20pm I suddenly got sharp pain in my lower back.  This was a different to normal kind of pain as it was constant (usual pain is with movement).  Then my blood pressure dropped, and I almost collapsed.   I shakily sat down, took some Panadol, drank a bunch of water, and emailed my husband.

I thought it quite likely that my blood pressure dropped because my body was shocked by the pain.  So let him know what was going on, but that we didn't need to do anything unless I couldn't get my blood pressure to come right in the next half hour.  I figured in that time the Panadol would start kicking in, and with less pain, my body would start to calm down (I'm awesomely logical, even when in agony).  Then I started getting cramping across my pelvis.  This is scary when you're pregnant.  Because I have IBS I went to the bathroom to double check if it was gastro cramps (again with the logic), and to check for bleeding, of which there was none.  Phew!

After half an hour things were not right with more cramping and shakiness, so Murray picked me up and took me to the doctors.  Although the Doctor did check my stomach for rigidity to ensure everything was ok with the baby, he did little else - he didn't even check where I was at on a pain scale and I was crying in pain just trying to step up to the bed to get checked (Murray had to help me get down).  He recommended Panadol (despite knowing crying me was me on Panadol), rest and to call my Midwife.  Then they charged me for the appointment because it wasn't deemed to be related to pregnancy.  We were unimpressed.  I have complained.

My back-up Midwife was reassuring.  Although there was nothing she could practically do, she let me know there were options.  You can take more hard core drugs when pregnant than Panadol (yay).  She recommended to go to A&E if the pain levels didn't come down because they could give me these drugs.  And I can go back to the hospital physio which I plan to do next week. 

Over early evening my pain settled to a tolerable level with doing nothing.  Today, I can walk around with my belt on and only look slightly crippled.  But I can't stand for long, I can't bend down to do things like get a cup out of the cupboard, and I certainly can't go to work.  I am hoping that this has something to do with too much or 'new' exercise, and this will dissipate with rest, but who knows.

I am glad there is a plan.  But it is frustrating being in limbo.  How do you handle having a job when you are in a physical limbo?  I feel sorry for my boss.  She has a staff member who 'might' be ok for work but who knows?  I was really hoping to not feel like an invalid until I was much more pregnant than this.   And I shouldn't feel this way because I'm being  good.  I'm doing  the exercises.  I'm going  to yoga.  And I'm resting  (I have little choice).  Surely this means I should get a reprieve?  And yes, I know, patience is a virtue, good things come to those that wait etc.  But those waiting in pain and limbo may go into psychotic rage and kill things...

I am grateful that the baby is ok.  She has been kicking away at my bladder like an evil demon child, which is good.    And my back-up Midwife said pain is commonly 'unpredictable' in pregnancy, so I might wake up tomorrow and feel pretty good.  I really hope so.  In the interim, I am resting.  Our house is a state, but I will just sit (not on the couch) and watch DVD's like a good, albeit impatient, patient.