On Not Having Kids

I tried to Google 'Over The Top Parent' and this is what came up. 
Over the Top is an AWESOME movie!  He can lift weights while driving his truck!

I know I'm pregnant now, and it's planned and all that, but for many years I was very much in the 'No kids thanks' camp.

I have never looked at a baby and wanted one of my own.  I only ever get 'clucky' with cute animals - 'puppy shopping' (going to pet stores and looking at puppies) has for a long time been a hang-over cure/cheerer-upper of mine.  I just never understood why people go nuts over babies - they don't do much besides crap and cry.  Does this make me an abnormal woman - a heartless person?  I think it makes me a pretty rational person.... (rational enough not to buy the puppy).

I read an article today about women who choose not to have children that made me feel a little like a 'traitor'.  I was one of these women - but now I guess I'm not.  It's weird because I don't feel any different.  I am still not 'clucky'.  And although I am grateful to be pregnant after much planning, trial and error, I don't have any kind of 'special' feeling about it.  I still feel icky every time the baby rolls over - it still makes me think of Aliens.  And I don't talk to the baby - it seems illogical - it can hear my voice and I talk a lot.  After serious consideration we decided to give this parenting malarkey a go, but neither of us would have been terribly sad had parenting not happened for us.

The pressure to have children is immense.  I had family members ask me when I was planning to get knocked up at points in time where I was single, and under 25.  The first time I held a baby at a family function everyone whipped their camera's out like paparazzi (I had held plenty of babies before, just never around my family - for obvious reasons).  My now mother-in-law began her 'when-are-you-having-babies' sneak attack every time Murray left the room from the second time I visited there for dinner.  I think it took until I was 30 for my family to come to terms with the fact that I genuinely wanted to be child-free.

And then I decided to get knocked up and confuse the smeg out of everyone.

My reasons behind not wanting to have kids included:

1. I have no maternal feelings whatsoever.
2. The thought of carrying human spawn in my body is terrifying.
3. The world is overpopulated - why make things worse?
4. I already have a large amount of friends and family to spend time with and look after.
5. I have mental health issues which require constant self-monitoring (should I even be a parent?).
6. The timing is wrong financially/emotionally/relationship-wise.

And except the timing, none of those things have changed.  I think I just got to a point where I thought raising a little person was a challenge I was ready for.  This was aided by the fact I'm in a Civil Union with a guy who undeniably will make a great Dad (despite him saying he wants kids 'So someone can look after me when I'm old')  I would have preferred to adopt (helps allay reasons 2 and 3), but unfortunately due to being in a Civil Union, being a NZer and not being rich enough to adopt internationally, this wasn't a practical option for us.  These are the only reasons we are taking the old fashioned route to parenthood.  Trust me, I'm not a fan of this route.

I agree that the main reason people struggle with women choosing not to have kids is because of old fashioned ideas around 'family'.  It does seem many people still think singles, gay couples or child-free couples are bereft of family.  This is ridiculous.  I have two child-free Aunts - am I not their family?  As a couple we currently have so many important people in our lives, that we've had to split most of our big events into two separate parties to house everyone.  Why is it so essential to add a child to that mix?  Logistically, it's crazy for us to do exactly that.

The other point raised in the article was about the 'selfishness' of being child-free.  Why is choosing not to have kids 'selfish?' Yes, it means you have more time and possibly money to do things like go out with friends, read books, have a life etc.  But how is this any more 'selfish' than the woman who becomes a parent to 'fill the gap', or 'have someone to pass xxx on to'?  I felt so strongly about not having kids, and felt so sorry for people who couldn't have kids that I decided to be an egg donor - how is this a selfish act?  Yes, parents give much of themselves all the time, and their job is never done - but this doesn't mean that the child-free person is not equally giving of themselves in other ways. Does Oprah Winfrey have kids?  Is she a 'selfish' person?  (Sorry for the tacky example, but you get the point)

So yes, we're having a kid, but my feelings around not having kids haven't really changed.  I am ok with not being maternal - I don't think it's a necessity for good parenting so long as you love your kid.  The human spawn thing - still creepy - mightn't do this again.  Overpopulation?  Still feeling bad about that, saving grace is that Kiwi's don't breed as much as many other people, so that whole 'replacing yourself' theory is semi-applicable (if you think New Zealand is the center of the universe).  I've semi-successfully managed my mental health issues over the last five years and have plans in place for if I'm not coping.  I also have an awesome co-parent on-board.  And my friends and whanau will always be friends and whanau - whether they choose to have kids or not.