Week 3 of the 30 Day Painting Challenge

Day 15:  The Genie Appears (unintentional) collaboration with Etta

 Day 16: Happy Amoeba

 Day 17:Multicoloured bloodcells

Day 18: Mushroom Fantasy

Day 19: Dancing Crab

Day 20: Tangled Swan

Day 21: Confused Scorpio

In all honesty this week has felt a bit meh.  Last week was great, but I felt a bit stuck following the same path the whole time so tried something a bit different again this week.  Not super stoked with the results, but have still enjoyed playing with paint, making marks, and attempting to replicate marks. 

Mushroom fantasy is probably my pick of the week.  The marks feel slightly less inhibited than other ones (which makes sense, as they were cos I was in a hurry) which makes me feel like upscaling will be on the agenda when I start a new painting project.  These works are around A5 - so pretty small.  I think they might be more interesting if I blew them way up to something like A1 - but then I'll have to find different tools to work with, which may also render interesting results.

I think I'll have to get my thinking cap on to go into week 4... 

A catch up on health stuff

So when I last left you I was concussed and awaiting a specialist appointment.

Of course, you've all been hanging on the edge of your seats to hear where I'm at now (ha ha!) so here is the gripping* follow up.

It's now a few weeks on and I'm pretty much recovered from my concussion.  Let me tell you - head injuries suck!  I knew what concussion did cos Murray is a pro at receiving them.  But there's knowing what the symptoms are and actually experiencing them.  Quite different.  Apart from the obvious headache I was ridiculously tired for the first week - especially the first three days.  I definitely needed help with the kids as could not cope with loud noises AT ALL (which are almost impossible to avoid when you have a baby and a two year old).  Simple things requiring fine motor skills - like dressing the kids made/make me overly frustrated - I still breathe my way through every time so I don't get snappy. 

And most annoyingly, the concussion gave me insomnia.

Now I've kicked insomnia to the curb multiple times.  But with a brain injury which requires sleep to get better I have really struggled.  It felt like the deck hit the creativity knob in my brain on to high speed.  Cos I've had a BAZILLION creative ideas in the weeks following this injury.  It's crazy!  It's good in a way, but it's meant I struggle even more to shut down my brain so haven't been able to rest enough to recover quickly.  That's why (I think) 2 1/2 weeks later I'm still not totally recovered.  Plus it's not like I have ample sleep opportunities available with a baby who appears to also have insomnia.  So since the concussion I've actually been achieving less sleep than beforehand.  Sigh.  Stupid brain.  Get well soon.  Sleep is actually one of my favorite pastimes.

And now I have seen the endocrinologist about my thyroid thing.  After all the anxiety and tension the specialist visit was a bit of a pffffft.  I was literally only there for 15 minutes.  Which is good!  Cos it means nothing is seriously wrong.

In that 15 minutes he reviewed my bloods and felt up my throat, then chucked an ultrasound on it to check for nodules.  Nothing out of order.  The blood flow to that area is more than usual - but that's to be expected as the gland is not working as normal.

I totally used Dr Google wrong - I have an overactive thyroid - not underactive at all.  So this recent bout of anxiety - it could entirely be due to my thyroid!!!  Not a nut bar after all**!  So this is the kind of thyroid problem where you get anxious and lose weight (and hair) and get shaky hands.  Which sucks (bar the weight loss, not that I've noticed much), but are pretty live-with-able symptoms.

So what are they going to do about it?  Well, nothing.  It could be completely due to pregnancy hormones.  Pregnancy is not my friend!  It's a little too early to completely pin it down to this though, so I'm just having the thyroid function test done regularly (monthly) over the next four months to see if it calms down by itself as those crazy hormones dissipate.  The preferred medication for hyperactive thyroid is not ideal to take when breastfeeding, so best to wait and see if I really need it.

Which is great news, but also kinda sucks.  Doctors and specialists are always about finding the root cause - which is great - but as things stand I have no advice, no medicine, no nothing, to treat my symptoms.  The only one that's really bugging me is the one which brought me in to get checked out in the first place - extreme dizzy spells.  It bugs me cos I'm scared one of these days I'm going to drop Abby because I've fainted.  It's a genuine concern.  I had to really think after my concussion if I had slipped or had fainted (I've deducted from how I fell that it was definitely a slip, but did I slip because I was spaced out?  I'll never know).

And in the last week I've started having some new symptoms.  I have a slight tremor now.  It's not a big deal but is a little disconcerting - a bit like the hair loss.  It doesn't affect my daily life too much (I have broken a glass though) but it does make me feel a little unsteady, a little not my usual self.  I am hoping this doesn't mean that things are getting worse, and I'm sure if they are I'll know soon anyway.*** I did my first new blood test today.  I'm sure they'll call me if anything is trending upward.

So, on the whole, health things are kinda getting better.  Probably.  Well, my head definitely is.  And I don't have cancer (yay) which was my big secret fear.  What have I learnt from all this crazy stuff?

a) I am not designed for pregnancy
b) You should never assume you are mental.  You might actually just be regular ill.
c) I need to mould spray the path
d) Hanging out washing in the rain is stupid

* Not really

**Well, not this time anyway

*** Also, there's just a tiny chance that now I know about the tremor thing I think I have one. Murray did witness it, but I've also had a concussion and not much sleep and (on some days) too much caffeine and (on most days) sugar.

Week 2 of the 30 Day Painting Challenge

So this second week is off to a better start because I've decided to scan all the images in rather than photographing them with a bad camera.  Duh!  Oh well, concussions are a great excuse for all bad decisions. 

So far, I'm really liking the direction this week seems to be taking and I'm no longer bored of this project.  In fact, I think maybe after this project I'll embark on another project called 70 drawings in 7 days - which is far more similar to my first year studying design at Unitec - which is a good place to revisit to revive the pretty dead practice that is my painting life.

This week is making me interested in paint again.  And especially watercolour.  Which is good cos (again) there is no other painting medium that is plausible for me to use at the moment. 

Day 8: Green Steam

Day 9: Hungry for Anemones

Day 10: America Fish

Day 11: Sneaky Jellyfish

Day 12: Wounded Whale

 Day 13: Lonely Catfish

Day 14: Thoughtful Angler

  

I'm feeling much more positive coming out of this week than I was the last!  The project has kinda started to go its own way, and I'm feeling more confident that I can follow that path rather than worry about having diverted from the initial idea as I am happy with the results. 

My favorite painting this week is probably America Fish.  I am just enjoying the play of colour and layers of paint, and how paint moves and changes and plays together depending on how wet or dry it is, and how paint is placed on paper.  This is all baby watercolour stuff but it's fun and new territory for me (despite majoring in Painting at Unitec I knitted my way through a lot of my degree).

Week 1 of the 30 Day Painting Challenge

So I decided to take on the 30 Day Painting Challenge this month.  Because my last attempt at an art project did not go so well, I decided to simplify so that this time I would actually manage to get through the whole project and not go crazy - especially considering there's an extra kid in the mix these days.

Because I have little time and little personal space, any kind of big painting project is just not feasible (toddlers and oils?  Are you kidding me?)  So small-scale watercolours was the obvious medium of choice.  For me this is almost new territory.  I've never really explored watercolour and am very excited to explore them.  In terms of subject matter I needed something that was easily sourced and required no brain.  As Etta has just gotten the painting bug at Playcentre I thought hey, why not do that thing that's been done many times before, and replicate her drawings/paintings myself.

At the end of the project I'll post images of her paintings that I've used as inspiration for this project.

Day 1: Orange Bird

 Day 2: Bent Crochet Hook with Wool

Day 3: Green and Orange

Day 4: Serendipity

Day 5: Snake Invasion

Day 6: Orange laser worm

Day 7: Blue  Llama

Man!  This week went fast like most weeks these days.  I didn't find the challenge that hard - but I did find sitting with paintings I don't like hard.  When you are out of practice of making vast quantities of work regularly and knowing you'll probably only like a few of them, it's hard.  I had a great difficulty not to overwork things, as the subject matter was simple, and seemed like it was not enough.  Many of these appear overworked to me.  I do think Blue Llama is the pick of the bunch now, and a good starting point to go into week 2 with.

On 'Just Having One Of Those Weeks'

Sigh.

So between last Monday and this these things happened:

1) A routine blood test turned into a specialist appointment
2) I realised I am losing my hair
4) I got a concussion

And because I am currently concussed, I'll keep this brief.

So just over a week ago I went to see my Dr as thought I was anemic again cos have been having quite serious dizzy spells.  Because I feel like I practically live at the Drs and it's hard going with two kids I put off going for a while as was pretty sure this is what the issue was - which sucks, but is not serious.  So when I got the text to go in to discuss my blood results that's what I thought I was  going in for.

But I was wrong.  Turns out this Dr (unlike other Drs) tested my thyroid function and it was not good.  She was expecting me to know what she was talking about, but given this is the first time it's come up I had no idea.  She referred me on to an endocrinology specialist, put me on a small dose of meds (didn't want to mess with stuff too much until I've seen the specialist) and sent me on my way.

So I felt a bit shell shocked.  On getting home and resorting to Dr Google I felt a little better but still felt a bit side swiped by new medical information.  I have never been more grateful for medical insurance.  It means I'm seeing the specialist this Thursday.  So while I know it's probably nothing serious, it's still nice to know that I'll know for sure sooner rather than later.

A couple of days after this I got out of the shower, looked in the mirror and noticed my bald patches.  They have probably been there for a while - just shows how often I look in the mirror!  My hair had been falling out over the last month, but I thought nothing of it as I remember 'the thinning' from after having Etta - a pretty normal thing post baby once the baby hormones start to change.  The last thinning was not like this one though.  This time I actually have patches where the hair has thinned so much you can see my scalp - and it's right at the front of my hairline!

If you have followed my blog for a long while you'll know that a while ago I did Shave for a Cure - I have absolutely no issue with having no hair (besides the fact it gets bloody cold).  But again, this was a blindside - experiencing real hair-loss just after turning 34 is not something I really considered would happen to me.  I didn't have a cry about it, but I did spend a little bit of time fretting about what it looked like and how to style my hair so you couldn't see the patches.  Which is ridiculous given I hadn't even noticed myself for who knows how long.  Now I've cut my hair just to minimise the damage to our drains (you don't want to know how much hair was stuck in our bath drain) and am feeling ok about it. 

The hair loss is likely linked to the thyroid stuff.  And once we know what's causing that I should be able to grow that hair back and feel normal again.  So that's pretty cool.

And then yesterday I was popping outside to hang out my net curtains* BAM.  I slip on our paving stones and smack my head into the underside of our deck on the way down.  I didn't pass out but it did take me a while to fish myself out from the bamboo cut-off pile under our deck and assess the damage.  Initially, it was my arse I was most worried about.  I fell pretty hard and copped a nice butt-bruise in the process.  My head was sore, but ok.  We decided to assess whether or not I needed to get it checked out in a few hours.

Murray is a pro at concussions having suffered many himself.  And because he's had a few I'm pretty up to date with my concussion knowledge.  I started having serious light and sound sensitivity so we first called Healthline to check if I should get checked out.  And then we got checked out.  I was really glad I did as I hadn't thought about my neck at all the in the scheme of things, and due to how I fell, and where there was pain I had to get a neck xray just to be safe.

So yeah.  I do have a concussion and I can officially confirm from experience that they are not fun.  I am so glad I have the backing of a medical professional as I've not been able to do anything all day.  For the first time since I had food poisoning when I was pregnant, I literally spent most of the day in bed.  I haven't even been able to read.  Concussion feels a little bit like being on drugs you don't want to be on.  Everything is a bit disconnected and fuzzy.  I've been getting some words mixed up.  My brain can be slow in getting the words out I want to say.  It's very frustrating and tiring being concussed. 

I am so glad to have had help from Mum over yesterday and today.  She and Murray have been great looker afterers of me during this time.  Small people don't understand brain injury and sound sensitivity.  And my small people are loud, and not used to being told off for being loud (we encourage sound play in our house).  In saying that, Etta's been fantastic today.  And Abby too!  Turns out Gripe water really helps her to sleep.  My only-naps-in-45-minute-bursts baby napped for three hours today.  Thank you gripe water for helping me get rest today!

So yeah, it's been a bit of an eventful and sucky week but we do have exciting and happy making things on the horizon.  Tomorrow I start a 30 day painting project.  Wish me luck!  Hoping it works out better than last time I attempted a similar thing (I've simplified, so it should).

* We had a Smartvent system installed on Monday so am now on a window and mould cleaning bender as it has made an AMAZING difference and I'd love to totally rid the house of grossness once and for all.

Life List

The other day I realised I have a list of things I want to achieve in my life.  It's just in my head though.  So thought it might be a good idea to record it somewhere.  And hey!  Why not record it somewhere others can see it in case they can help me achieve my dreams!

So far I have actually achieved a few of the things I had on an earlier 'head list'.  I have bought my own home!  Epic thing I've wanted to do since I was a kid.  And I own a matching jug and toaster THAT I LIKE.  Sounds crazy, but it's one of those things.

Anyway.  Here is my list. (I plan to add to this as I think of more things):

1) Be a zombie that gets killed in a zombie movie/tv show
2) Renovate/paint my own home
3) Live in a house that has a (working) gallery in it
4) Start my own business
5) Record a (good/coherent/not crap) EP of my own music
6) Travel to/through Italy and Greece
7) Drive a bulldozer
8) Have an art exhibition (like, a real proper grown up one not at Unitec)
9) Have a treasure chest full of real money
10) Have a rose garden grown from cuttings
11) Have my own dress-ups wardrobe
12) Write a cookbook
13) Shoot a clay pigeon
14) Stealth plant vegetables in useful/public places (like roadsides)
15) Have chickens
16) Write a (good) book
17) Publish a (good) book
18) Smash a wall with one of those giant hammer things
19) Ride in a monster truck
21) Pat a cheetah
22) Visit the Amazon and spot some wildlife
23) Compete in a Karaoke competition for money
24) Teach my kids where food comes from
25) Be a fun/embarrassing parent

If you think of anything I should add to this list let me know.  I'm sure there's plenty of important stuff missing!

My sexy jug/toaster combo.  Oh yeah!

On Not Being Ok

So I wasn't lying that other time when I said I was ok.  I was.  Truly.  But now I'm not.  That's the fun thing about mental illness.  It's all swings and roundabouts and it never, ever stops.

The awesome thing about having been through this all before though is that I am slowly learning to recognise when I'm not ok a little earlier.  So what that means is that while I'm not ok at the moment, I'm not terrible.  I'm not dangerous.  I'm not crazy - I just know that if I don't do anything I will no doubt become so in time.  And because of my history, and because I am already on medication for anxiety (sertraline - only relatively 'safe' one for pregnancy/breastfeeding) shortly after telling my Dr I was not ok BAM!  There are phone calls from three different places all at once.

Because while the government is crappy and has removed much funding and resources for mental health (and health in general) it appears they are still a bit freaked out about Mums killing their babies.  So while I'm not at MDK* level as yet, it's nice to know that they will still step in to check and ensure my family is safe.**

And they are.  I don't want to even be seen as someone's 'mad Mum' so I managed to access help BEFORE it got to totally that crazy person point.

*                            *                            *                            *                               *                            *       

As things stand now, I'm actually really good.  I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but haven't had time or brain to continue it until now.  One of the things with my particular type of crazy and having had it for a while is that as soon as I ask for help, I immediately feel better.  Consequently, asking for help starts me on the road to getting better immediately.

The first thing that happened after talking to my Dr is I received a phone call from an agency to have an interview with a Dr, a maternity mental health worker and a psychologist at my home.  The second thing that happened is I had a phone call from the counselor who works in conjunction with my Drs to arrange for a counseling session (I can get four for free through my Drs). 

And while the counseling has not been especially helpful*** that meeting at home with the three professionals was brilliant.  For starters I discovered I'm on a very low dose of my medication so have a lot of wriggle room there if I feel like it's not quite enough.  While I haven't as yet changed my medication, that was extremely helpful to know.  It made me feel like things were not that bad at all as I was actually almost coping with very little back up - which is almost as good as coping!

It also helped me realise the main reason I was so unwell was because I was not sleeping.  Duh?  Of course people who don't sleep start to go a bit nuts!  But pinning down that simple thing when you are sleep deprived is not so simple.  This also made me feel again like given the circumstances I was not such a crap loser Mum after all.

And the lovely maternity mental health lady has been brilliant.  She has visited me once a week every week since this first meeting just to check in on how I'm doing.  Because she is just a nice person this doesn't feel threatening, just actually helpful ie: I don't freak out and clean my house before she's due.  She also hooked me up with an anxiety group for Mums which is brilliant.  It's nice revisiting CBT and also just talking about normal stressful Mum crap with other Mums in the same boat as me.  And there are nannies there who mind our littlies so we can attend!  This week I also discovered a shower nearby so am seriously considering dropping Abby off with the nannies and showering before the group.  Double bonus!

And while the external help has been amazing, the thing that has got me most on track to being ok is that Abby has changed.  With age and osteo I no longer have a baby that screams whenever awake, and especially from 4 - 10pm.  I now have a very happy, very fat, very tall baby who is a total sweetheart.  Sure, she doesn't sleep properly and cat naps just like Etta did and still has to co-sleep at night (hence my being so tired) but she is hitting milestones and smiling and not screaming at me all day. 

You cannot overestimate the impact being screamed at constantly has on a person.  Seriously.  Especially when it's from someone you are supposed to care about.  It's awful.  It's nerve-wracking.  I am sure it must have been used as a method of torture at some point in history.  And if you've also had no sleep it's completely insanity-driving.  All Mummies of refluxy/colicy/sick/sad/scream-all-the-timey babies are fucking champions just to survive each hour of screaming.  I am glad that I no longer have to be one of these champion Mummies because it's been one of the hardest things I've had to do in all my life.

 My happy 15 week old Abby not screaming

Now that the screamening is over there is room in my brain for actual thoughts.  I can remember what it is to be someone other than a slave to the scream.  And I can spend time with Etta and feel like I'm being a proper Mum again.  And even play board games with Murray occasionally and feel like some kind of a partner.  And now Abby is (cat) napping during the day in her bassinet I even get a little time to myself sometimes.  Quiet time.  Time to just sit and focus on myself as an entity for a bit.  And just being able to do that, to quietly sit, is what is really helping me to be ok.

*Murder Death Kill.  Get some Robocop in you ya'll!
** It would be even nicer if the government cared about me before I had kids but it seems like maybe that's asking for too much

*** Counseling has never been my bag.  Given how long I've been in and out of therapy (almost 20 years) I feel like I know more than she does and everything she says is just boring old lady advice.  But I'm going.  I don't want to get in trouble or feel like I'm not doing 'all I should' to be 'well'.  Sigh.  Only two sessions to go.