On Taking Time Out

I go on holiday alone once a year.  I have done for the last three years.

My hotel room door from this years trip.

I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary act.  But after my most recent alone-time holiday I was reminded how odd this idea seems to many people.  Most Mums I spoke to about it reacted with surprise or envy*.  And while I guess I only know one other person who does this, so I know it isn't that common, I still find the reaction really sad.  Sad for us as Mums.  Sad for our whole society.  Sad that the world we live in doesn't think that it's normal for us to want or need a break.  That as women, taking time out from our family for ourselves is still a somewhat shocking idea.

And it's sad because of the double standard.  Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it.  The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same.  I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male.  This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family.  He expected me to agree with him.  I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong.  This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent.  It's just sad.

When I was last catching planes before
I took time out for myself....      

I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray.  He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament.  I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment.  It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods.  But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy.  It had to become a reality.

And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't.  Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing.  At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project.  Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human.  But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult.  Having some space away from the family would help. 

But more importantly, I was sleep deprived.  I was touched out.  I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself.  When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work.  Or with friends or family.  Or with Murray.  I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health.  So I decided I would go on a holiday too.

The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it.  I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy.  I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta.  I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night.  I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return.  I was set.

The finished Suburban Birds Zine

And while the plan was to take the laptop down and work on drawing and writing for Suburban Birds, the bigger picture was simply to spend time doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had kids.  So I went out for breakfast.  I went to galleries and museums.  I read books.  I watched a crappy comedy at the cinemas.  I caught up with friends and played board games at Counter Culture.  I drank more than two glasses of wine without feeling guilty about it.  It was amazing.

And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok.  That first year I had genuine concerns.  The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***).  I phoned home more than I needed to.  But Abby coped, and Etta did too.  Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.

So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.

This year has been tough for me.  There's been difficult family stuff.  I've had friends pass away.  I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health.  This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it.  So I rethought things.  I simplified.  And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need.  So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.

And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.

I saved up my Paypal survey rewards for a holiday facial and massage

After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget.  After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday.  I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers.  Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.

A robin I saw on Tiri.  So cute!

Holidaying close to home was truly brilliant.  There are so many things I used to do locally that I just don't do now I have kids.  There were things I'd forgotten I could do.  I discovered a world of possibilities that are literally on my doorstep.  I went to a friends 40th where I knew (almost) no-one and had a wonderful time meeting new people.  I took a day trip to Tiritiri Matangi - a place I've never been before - and it was just magical.  I went to bed at 9pm and actually slept.  Having time and space to just do things that I wanted to do helped me discover things that I think my family might also like to do.

I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege.  I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips.  But the point of writing this isn't about showing off.  I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.

And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us.  Maybe not so many days away.  But if it's possible to have just one night away.  If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night.  If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night.  Just imagine the possibilities!  You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself.  You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself.  The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.

Because you deserve it!  Us Mum's, we all deserve it.  If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates.  Or if you're more inclined, by yourself.  If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too.  If going away overnight is too hard that's ok.  Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie.  The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure.  You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you.  You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.

Everyone deserves this.  Your family deserves this.



* In a good way

** I breastfed Abby until she was over three.  It was never intentional.  I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months).  The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.

*** I could never pump.  My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me.  Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away.  Neither of those things happened.  I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...

**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive.  If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal.  I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).

On Why Being Critical of Dads is Bad for Feminism

 

Etta having quality 'Dad' time (in the picture to the right he has purposefully dressed her crazy to irk stupid strangers).

So I'm partly ranting because it's Friday, I'm still pregnant, and I want this baby out (drinking ALL the raspberry leaf tea).  And Murray has Etta, thus facilitating the ability to rant.  But I'm also ranting because this subject needs ranting about.

I am constantly surprised by how, as soon as you are obviously fruiting a new human, your life and how you live it, becomes public domain.  As soon as it becomes apparent you will be responsible for a life other than your own you have apparently opted in to becoming a public punching bag.  You have no idea how often I've held my tongue when I really wanted to horrify the general speaking public by saying things like:

'Yep.  I'm pregnant and I'm totally hammered.'
'It's fine, I'm adopting it out.'
'Fuck off you judgmental cunt.'*

As a now parent I kinda get it.  Hormones and experience combine to make you care more about children and the world they live in than in pre-sprog times.  News articles including kids can affect me emotionally.  Sometimes so much so that I friend and I once felt compelled to send flowers to a certain new Mum that was in a high profile court case.  And I am much friendlier to strangers with kids or who are obviously pregnant because I feel that weird affinity that parenthood creates.

But I also know how it feels to be judged on the tiniest things, and how, particularly as a new parent, the smallest comments could make me feel like I was being smashed in the face by a hammer.

And I am angered when I see other parents (or non parents) doing it to my partner.  Or when he tells me this has happened.  Because on most occasions the particular criticism attributed to him is something that a stranger would probably never say to me.  And because this unnecessary criticism happens often.  Which leads me to believe that New Zealanders have little faith in the parenting ability of Dads.

Now this is messed up.  Our particular living situation is of the old fashioned variety; I stay home (I work part time) while Murray goes out to a very grown up job and earns the dollars.  We live like this because since the recession his job and income have been more stable than mine, and consequently he earns much more than I do.  Me going to work is something of a token effort to support our family and Murray, but in truth I work mostly to get out of the house and maintain my sanity.

So Murray's time at home as a Dad is more limited than mine.  Because of travel logistics, he is out of the house around 11 hours a day Monday to Friday which means that he usually gets about 1 to 1 1/2 hours of Etta time a day.  Which is not a lot.  This is not our preference - this is just life.  This limited time means not much time for being a hands on Daddy during the week.  But for over a year now Murray has looked after Etta for at least one full day on the weekend every week, and a couple of weeknights while I work.  He is a great Dad and a very capable parent.  But, much like in the workplace, less time based experience with a particular job can affect your confidence in your ability to perform that particular job.  So working Dads like Murray can be vulnerable to criticism.

When Etta was first born, every word from strangers regarding my ability to care from her stung.  Even if meant well.  I had zero baby experience.  I had changed maybe three nappies in my life and none of the brown variety.  I had never dressed a baby and only twice held one under the age of about two weeks.  Babies terrified me.  At that stage Murray had much more experience in caregiving than I did having previously been a care worker for many years.  He had changed a LOT of (adult) nappies.  And due to my C Section, Murray actually did everything for Etta, besides breastfeed her, for the first week of her life.  And he did a great job.  So I was extremely insecure about my ability to parent.

I think at least some working Dads might feel similarly, purely because they have less of the day-to-day, one-on-one parenting time.  And to receive a bigger beat down on their ability to perform a job, one that they are probably performing perfectly well, sucks when all they are doing is caring for their offspring (you know, those tiny people they are equally responsible for).  Why would anyone want to be an involved parent if every little thing they do is viewed with public scrutiny?

See, I think it's fair that a member of the public say something if they encounter someone neglecting or injuring their child.  Like, if some kid was drowning in a fountain, or going into anaphylactic shock, or about to fall down an escalator, or being publicly whipped.  In those situations, it might be a good idea to say or do something.  However, the times the public have decided it necessary to verbally berate Murray's parenting skills have been predominantly about the following issues:

'Your child is not wearing enough clothes.'
'Your child is wearing too many clothes.'
'Your child is crying.'

I can't see how any of that information is particular helpful.  In the instance of today, it was apparently too hot for Etta to be wearing her hat - probably true.  But it's her 'monster' hat.  It is the first time she has ever shown any interest in wearing hats since she learned she could take them off.  She likes to wear it so it covers her eyes and pretends she's a monster.  It's fun.  And it solves a pending (Winter) dilemma.  Sure, anyone who does not know her will not be aware of this pertinent information.  But she wasn't dehydrated, or passing out, or even pink.  Why make any comment at all?

I think it's because the strangers think they are being 'helpful' to the Dad.  This assumption is extremely unhelpful.  It's the assumption that based purely on someones gender they are an unfit, or at least inexperienced, parent.  A friend told me that a stranger lady physically removed his son from his arms because he was crying.  Because she thought she would be better at handling the situation than he would.  To me it appears she assumed she was a more 'experienced' parent purely because of maybe her age, and because she didn't have a penis.  What she actually did was basically kidnapping, which in my mind is not something most 'experienced' parents (or sane persons) do.  It was extremely traumatic for both my friend and his son.
And she thought she was being helpful.

My gut feeling is also that maybe these strangers feel threatened by Dads.  It's like the bully in the workplace/playground scenario - finding minor fault with something to psyche out an opponent.  Are these stranger women scared of Dads?  Does seeing Dads be Dads remind them of how their Dads maybe weren't?  Or their partners?  Are they mad that their partners aren't more involved so take that anger out on unwitting stranger Dads?  Are they afraid they will lose their place in the world if  Dads are more involved parents?  Or do they think Dads being involved parents is inherently wrong?

What would actually be helpful for everyone would be if Dads were treated the same as Mums.  If it weren't assumed they were incompetent at parenting by dint of their cock.  If people didn't say 'Oh, your husband is such a great Dad' because they did an arbitrary parenting task without complaint.  If people assumed instead that Dads are quite capable of regular parenting tasks and it was normal for them to perform them.  If it were considered 'normal' to be a stay at home Dad.  If people didn't praise involved Dad parenting on the internet whilst assuming the worst of everyday mall Dads doing their thing.

I don't know if everyone quite understands this yet, but the whole point of Feminism is equality.  Equality is a balanced scale.  There are two sides to a scale.  In order for that scale to balance both sides need to weigh the same.  This means not only thinking about our actions/thoughts/words in terms of women, but also our actions/thoughts/words in terms of men.  For instance, if women want equity in the workplace, it means men need equity in the home.  The more equity men have at home (in a heterosexual model), the more support they can offer their partner to maintain their position in the workplace.  It's a two way street.  Until there is more governmental, financial and social support of Dads being valued on par with Mums as parents, we will not have equality.

And that sucks.  While I love being a stay at home parent and do think I'm the best at home option in our situation (because of mine and Murray's skill sets - nothing to do with boobs and dicks and bits) I wish there were more support for Murray as a parent out there in the world.  I wish that parental leave applied to both parents so both parents could get a handle on the most important job they'll ever have.  I wish there were change tables in all men's bathrooms.  I wish people didn't make fun of how Dads dress their kids**.

I don't wish these things solely because they will make my life better (although they would) but because they will make life better for our kids.  Imagine a world where kids could have two visible, involved parents without feeling different to their peers.  Where Dad's can look after their kids over the weekend (or even a Friday night) and not be considered 'pussy whipped' by their mates.
Imagine if it was ok to enjoy being a Dad?

* Just to make things clear, I've never been hammered when pregnant.  I'd just like to see the looks on judgy folks faces if I told them I was.  Like, you think it's bad I've decided to eat hummus and cheese? (even though unbeknownst to you I have researched this thoroughly and made an informed decision)  Well how about this?  BANG!  Foetal alcohol syndrome.  Suck on that rude stranger!

**I wish there wasn't some weird standard for that stuff in general.  We dress Etta in practical clothes that we can get onto her body with as little fuss as possible.  We dress her for play.  We do not dress her to colour co-ordinate outfits.  We dress her in things she likes.  We are great parents purely because we (mostly) get her to wear pants outside.  Because she hates pants and who can blame her?  If she had it her way she would be buck naked all year round.