On Remaining Civilised

Tomorrow it'll be two years since Murray and I had our Civil Union.  And since I was such a slacker last year and forgot to write about our first anniversary, I thought I'd better write about where things are at two years on.

The last two years have been eventful, but have also flown by.  We bought our first home, we dealt with some health issues, and now we're not far away from having our first kid.  All of these things sound very grown up which feels weird (me?  A grown up?) but whilst doing all these things we're still living our lives pretty much as we always have: I'm still reading, writing and waxing political, Murray's still gaming and we're both still busy with work, family and friends. 

It might sound like an odd thing to say, but I'm so grateful that not much has changed.  The only major change for me is that I feel more secure in our relationship, which allows me the freedom to focus on other aspects of my life.  I see being in this Union as being more like being part of a 'life team' (puke-worthy I know, sorry).  We each bring different skills and qualities to our team, and we need to have faith in each other for this team to be a success. 

As quite independent people, we tend to do our own thing much of the time, and that works for us.  What's important is that we have the same big picture goals and each contribute to achieving these.  Also important is to remember that we're human, and humans in enclosed spaces will likely butt heads time to time.  Recognising the difference between head-butting due to a bad day versus being due to an actual issue is an important skill to master.  Once you can do that, working out how to minimise the fallout constructively is the next step to a harmonious 'Unionised' existence.  While we're not perfect at this, we do our best, and that's probably the most important thing of all.

The fact that two years has gone by so fast speaks for the fact that despite facing big grown up things together, it mostly hasn't felt like hard slog.  I'm more of a realist than a romantic, and think that still enjoying someone's company after two years of being 'Civilised', four years of living together and five years of being in a relationship, is more a testament of our love than any well meant poem or sparkly bling.  For our anniversary we'll be celebrating with a nice dinner out where we know the food is great, the drink menu superb, and we won't catch bed bugs (this happened on our first anniversary.  Probably good I didn't write about it.)

And while not much has changed for us one thing that looks like it will change soon is the legality of gay marriage in New Zealand.  And because this may be changing, we are often asked if we will convert our Civil Union to a Marriage.  While I'm so glad that this change is on the cards, after a very brief discussion on the topic, we decided that we will not be converting ('Do you want to convert to a Marriage?'... 'No'... 'Neither') .

The two main reasons we chose to have a union of some kind were:
a) to solidify the bond that we already recognised as a couple

b) to celebrate this bond with the people we care about

Now that we have done that, there is no reason to rehash things.  The only practical reason to change from a Civil Union to a Marriage would be in order for us to adopt.  As far as I'm concerned the adoption laws in New Zealand still need updating, regardless of whether gay marriage is legalised or not, so it is still important to make people aware of this.  Being in a Civil Union allows us to do this.

In keeping our Civil Union we are recognising that inequality still exists.  I find it illogical that de facto couples, many of whom have been in relationships that far outstrip those of their 'Married' counterparts, cannot legally adopt as a couple.  To me, saying that those in Civil Unions and de facto relationships do not have the right to adopt is similar to religious persecution.  Why should we discriminate against people who, for whatever reason, choose not to marry?  And more importantly, given societal changes, why haven't we revisited our adoption laws since the 1950's?

I understand that this is partly due to the fact that we only have a very small amount of adoptions in New Zealand every year.  However, I do not feel this is a good enough reason to allow discrimination.  Like legalising gay marriage, this is a human rights issue.
 

If gay marriage comes in and makes Civil Unions obsolete, so be it (I think this is highly unlikely - there are many reasons to choose a Civil Union).  I will be so proud to live in a country where gay people can get married (fingers crossed for Wednesday), but it's important to remember where we came from, and that so many people worked hard toward making this change possible.  I'm looking forward to being that crazy old person who says 'We had a Civil Union because back in my day kids, gay people couldn't get married' and seeing disbelieving wide eyed faces staring back at me. 

And Murray will be there looking at me too, rolling his eyes and biting his tongue or mimicking me poorly behind my back.  Happy anniversary Murray.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my political rantiness x x

Why I chose to have a Civil Union

I wrote this just before our Civil Union last year to make things easier for people to understand why we made this choice.  Given Mr Key's recent support of Obama's statement around gay marriage, I thought it was about time I shared it via my blog:

First of all, it’s a choice.  Nowadays in New Zealand when you look at the Department of Internal Affairs website it says: Births, Deaths, Marriages, Civil Unions.  It is an option.  Now if you want a legally binding contract with the one you love you can choose a Marriage or a Civil Union.  It’s like when you’re on a plane and you can have beef or chicken.  You choose the one you like.  If you choose the chicken it’s not usually because you’re anti beef.  It’s usually because you prefer chicken.  My choice is not an ‘anti marriage’ choice.  It is just a choice for my preferred option.

Why did I choose Civil Union over marriage?  The main reason is to do with being raised to treat everyone as equals regardless of gender, ideology, ethnicity or sexuality.  In choosing Civil Union I am respecting the values instilled in me by my parents, and my grandparents.  This is no different than those who choose to get married in a specific faith system.  I choose Civil Union as it is most reflective of how I was raised to treat others.

Civil Union is a non-discriminatory union which all New Zealanders can have.  I have always struggled to understand why people treat others differently based on their sexuality, or preferred gender identity.  Why do people care?  Why is it anyone’s business at all?  When Murray and I were talking about it yesterday he quoted Trainspotting : ‘1,000 years from now there will be no guys and no girls, just people’. (the actual quote says ’wankers’, but you get the gist).  In this, Murray feels as strongly as I do.  We don’t want to be treated any different than our gay/bi/transgender friends just because our relationship is ‘straight’.  In choosing to have a Civil Union we are choosing a union which every New Zealander can have.  We are setting the tone for the value system we will instil in our potential children.  I am proud to make that choice.

When the Civil Union policy was put in place by Labour I was incredibly proud to be a New Zealander.  My feelings on this are probably similar to how many New Zealanders felt about David Lange’s No Nukes stance and speeches in 1985.  We are not the first to have a policy like Civil Union, but it doesn’t make it any less special or important to us as a country.  It is a policy of equality whilst respecting tradition.  It was created in addition to Marriage whilst preserving Marriage in its original state.  Helen Clark said if she’d had the option, she would have chosen to have a Civil Union.  I am happy to walk in Helen’s footprints.

I am not anti marriage.  I just don’t feel a Marriage can do for me what a Civil Union can.  I have no issue with my friends and families choice to get married because it is their choice.  There is no reason for us to have a Marriage to satisfy family traditions as neither of our families subscribe to any particular religion.  If people take offense to our not choosing marriage, they should really examine their own value systems.

It is a choice which reflects our views on our relationship; balance, equality and respect for our differences.  It is a choice that I will proudly live with for the rest of my life.  I am excited about the fact that I have a choice, and that I am able to start creating our own traditions.

Hauhanga a rongo, Arohanui mai x

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Over time, we've learnt that while Civil Unions are more inclusive than Marriages, those in them have less rights than those in Marriages.  Because we chose a Civil Union over Marriage, we are not legally able to adopt as a couple in NZ.  While changes to these antiquated adoption laws are being looked at by MP's from many political parties, our PM has said that this is not a priority for this government.

This issue is increasingly pertinent to us following my second ectopic earlier this year, and the removal of one of my fallopian tubes.  While we have been given the go ahead to try to fall pregnant again, the chances of another ectopic are high.  While we are eligible for one free series of IVF treatment, the waiting list for this treatment is long, and we cannot afford the $10,000 - $15,000 it will cost to go private.  If we have further complications, adoption would be our preferred option, but because of our choice of Civil Union instead of Marriage, this option is not available to us.

This is systemic discrimination.  Even if the number of children up for adoption in NZ is low, in stating that this 'is not a priority' the government is saying that equal treatment is not a priority.  Many people I've spoken to have thought I was joking when I told them this was current law - it is no joke.  We've had other people say we could swap to a Marriage purely for the sake of adopting.  If we change our marital status purely to work within a framework built around inequality, than we are saying this framework is ok.

It is not ok.  In standing by our choice, we provide a voice against systemic inequality.  Why should we, or gay, or de-facto couples have to find loopholes in law in order to receive the same rights as married couples?  Instead, we need to focus on creating an environment that doesn't tolerate this type of discrimination.  Why should we be punished for making a choice based on our beliefs of love, acceptance and equality?

I am extremely proud of our choice.  I hope that one day we can have children, and that those children will grow up in a world different than it is now.  And I am certain that if more people stand by what is right, rather than what is easy, this new world will be possible.