I wrote this just before our Civil Union last year to make things easier for people to understand why we made this choice. Given Mr Key's recent support of Obama's statement around gay marriage, I thought it was about time I shared it via my blog:
First of all, it’s a choice. Nowadays in New Zealand when you look at the Department of Internal Affairs website it says: Births, Deaths, Marriages, Civil Unions. It is an option. Now if you want a legally binding contract with the one you love you can choose a Marriage or a Civil Union. It’s like when you’re on a plane and you can have beef or chicken. You choose the one you like. If you choose the chicken it’s not usually because you’re anti beef. It’s usually because you prefer chicken. My choice is not an ‘anti marriage’ choice. It is just a choice for my preferred option.
Why did I choose Civil Union over marriage? The main reason is to do with being raised to treat everyone as equals regardless of gender, ideology, ethnicity or sexuality. In choosing Civil Union I am respecting the values instilled in me by my parents, and my grandparents. This is no different than those who choose to get married in a specific faith system. I choose Civil Union as it is most reflective of how I was raised to treat others.
Civil Union is a non-discriminatory union which all New Zealanders can have. I have always struggled to understand why people treat others differently based on their sexuality, or preferred gender identity. Why do people care? Why is it anyone’s business at all? When Murray and I were talking about it yesterday he quoted Trainspotting : ‘1,000 years from now there will be no guys and no girls, just people’. (the actual quote says ’wankers’, but you get the gist). In this, Murray feels as strongly as I do. We don’t want to be treated any different than our gay/bi/transgender friends just because our relationship is ‘straight’. In choosing to have a Civil Union we are choosing a union which every New Zealander can have. We are setting the tone for the value system we will instil in our potential children. I am proud to make that choice.
When the Civil Union policy was put in place by Labour I was incredibly proud to be a New Zealander. My feelings on this are probably similar to how many New Zealanders felt about David Lange’s No Nukes stance and speeches in 1985. We are not the first to have a policy like Civil Union, but it doesn’t make it any less special or important to us as a country. It is a policy of equality whilst respecting tradition. It was created in addition to Marriage whilst preserving Marriage in its original state. Helen Clark said if she’d had the option, she would have chosen to have a Civil Union. I am happy to walk in Helen’s footprints.
I am not anti marriage. I just don’t feel a Marriage can do for me what a Civil Union can. I have no issue with my friends and families choice to get married because it is their choice. There is no reason for us to have a Marriage to satisfy family traditions as neither of our families subscribe to any particular religion. If people take offense to our not choosing marriage, they should really examine their own value systems.
It is a choice which reflects our views on our relationship; balance, equality and respect for our differences. It is a choice that I will proudly live with for the rest of my life. I am excited about the fact that I have a choice, and that I am able to start creating our own traditions.
Hauhanga a rongo, Arohanui mai x
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Over time, we've learnt that while Civil Unions are more inclusive than Marriages, those in them have less rights than those in Marriages. Because we chose a Civil Union over Marriage, we are not legally able to adopt as a couple in NZ. While changes to these antiquated adoption laws are being looked at by MP's from many political parties, our PM has said that this is not a priority for this government.
This issue is increasingly pertinent to us following my second ectopic earlier this year, and the removal of one of my fallopian tubes. While we have been given the go ahead to try to fall pregnant again, the chances of another ectopic are high. While we are eligible for one free series of IVF treatment, the waiting list for this treatment is long, and we cannot afford the $10,000 - $15,000 it will cost to go private. If we have further complications, adoption would be our preferred option, but because of our choice of Civil Union instead of Marriage, this option is not available to us.
This is systemic discrimination. Even if the number of children up for adoption in NZ is low, in stating that this 'is not a priority' the government is saying that equal treatment is not a priority. Many people I've spoken to have thought I was joking when I told them this was current law - it is no joke. We've had other people say we could swap to a Marriage purely for the sake of adopting. If we change our marital status purely to work within a framework built around inequality, than we are saying this framework is ok.
It is not ok. In standing by our choice, we provide a voice against systemic inequality. Why should we, or gay, or de-facto couples have to find loopholes in law in order to receive the same rights as married couples? Instead, we need to focus on creating an environment that doesn't tolerate this type of discrimination. Why should we be punished for making a choice based on our beliefs of love, acceptance and equality?
I am extremely proud of our choice. I hope that one day we can have children, and that those children will grow up in a world different than it is now. And I am certain that if more people stand by what is right, rather than what is easy, this new world will be possible.
