On Remaining Civilised

Tomorrow it'll be two years since Murray and I had our Civil Union.  And since I was such a slacker last year and forgot to write about our first anniversary, I thought I'd better write about where things are at two years on.

The last two years have been eventful, but have also flown by.  We bought our first home, we dealt with some health issues, and now we're not far away from having our first kid.  All of these things sound very grown up which feels weird (me?  A grown up?) but whilst doing all these things we're still living our lives pretty much as we always have: I'm still reading, writing and waxing political, Murray's still gaming and we're both still busy with work, family and friends. 

It might sound like an odd thing to say, but I'm so grateful that not much has changed.  The only major change for me is that I feel more secure in our relationship, which allows me the freedom to focus on other aspects of my life.  I see being in this Union as being more like being part of a 'life team' (puke-worthy I know, sorry).  We each bring different skills and qualities to our team, and we need to have faith in each other for this team to be a success. 

As quite independent people, we tend to do our own thing much of the time, and that works for us.  What's important is that we have the same big picture goals and each contribute to achieving these.  Also important is to remember that we're human, and humans in enclosed spaces will likely butt heads time to time.  Recognising the difference between head-butting due to a bad day versus being due to an actual issue is an important skill to master.  Once you can do that, working out how to minimise the fallout constructively is the next step to a harmonious 'Unionised' existence.  While we're not perfect at this, we do our best, and that's probably the most important thing of all.

The fact that two years has gone by so fast speaks for the fact that despite facing big grown up things together, it mostly hasn't felt like hard slog.  I'm more of a realist than a romantic, and think that still enjoying someone's company after two years of being 'Civilised', four years of living together and five years of being in a relationship, is more a testament of our love than any well meant poem or sparkly bling.  For our anniversary we'll be celebrating with a nice dinner out where we know the food is great, the drink menu superb, and we won't catch bed bugs (this happened on our first anniversary.  Probably good I didn't write about it.)

And while not much has changed for us one thing that looks like it will change soon is the legality of gay marriage in New Zealand.  And because this may be changing, we are often asked if we will convert our Civil Union to a Marriage.  While I'm so glad that this change is on the cards, after a very brief discussion on the topic, we decided that we will not be converting ('Do you want to convert to a Marriage?'... 'No'... 'Neither') .

The two main reasons we chose to have a union of some kind were:
a) to solidify the bond that we already recognised as a couple

b) to celebrate this bond with the people we care about

Now that we have done that, there is no reason to rehash things.  The only practical reason to change from a Civil Union to a Marriage would be in order for us to adopt.  As far as I'm concerned the adoption laws in New Zealand still need updating, regardless of whether gay marriage is legalised or not, so it is still important to make people aware of this.  Being in a Civil Union allows us to do this.

In keeping our Civil Union we are recognising that inequality still exists.  I find it illogical that de facto couples, many of whom have been in relationships that far outstrip those of their 'Married' counterparts, cannot legally adopt as a couple.  To me, saying that those in Civil Unions and de facto relationships do not have the right to adopt is similar to religious persecution.  Why should we discriminate against people who, for whatever reason, choose not to marry?  And more importantly, given societal changes, why haven't we revisited our adoption laws since the 1950's?

I understand that this is partly due to the fact that we only have a very small amount of adoptions in New Zealand every year.  However, I do not feel this is a good enough reason to allow discrimination.  Like legalising gay marriage, this is a human rights issue.
 

If gay marriage comes in and makes Civil Unions obsolete, so be it (I think this is highly unlikely - there are many reasons to choose a Civil Union).  I will be so proud to live in a country where gay people can get married (fingers crossed for Wednesday), but it's important to remember where we came from, and that so many people worked hard toward making this change possible.  I'm looking forward to being that crazy old person who says 'We had a Civil Union because back in my day kids, gay people couldn't get married' and seeing disbelieving wide eyed faces staring back at me. 

And Murray will be there looking at me too, rolling his eyes and biting his tongue or mimicking me poorly behind my back.  Happy anniversary Murray.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my political rantiness x x