On Meeting Murray

 Back when we were young and Murray was yet to learn the power of the beard

To celebrate our three year (leather?) anniversary, I thought I'd write about how it was we came to meet and form the awesome partnership that is us. 

Firstly, yes, we did go to High School together.  But no, we were not friends.  I didn't know Murray other than a recognisable face (he worked at the tuck shop and was on the cycling team*).  It was a big school, and while we did work on a school production together, he was stage crew and I honestly don't remember him.  Apparently, he thought I was hot and enquired with a mutual friend as to whether he should ask me out or not.  She said not, as I had a boyfriend (which was true) and I continued through life completely oblivious of that High School crush.

Because New Zealand is small, and Auckland even smaller, we shared a mutual friend.  So first met (in my mind) at an exhibition of friends at Unitec.  I recognised him from somewhere, told him 'I know you from somewhere, and this isn't a line', realised it was high school and then proceeded to tell him that he had a terrible haircut in high school (he did).  I was not interested in him romantically. This was a standard, inappropriate Hannah-meeting-someone-for-the-first-time type incident.  That's just how I roll.

After a few conversations I realised this Murray person was pretty cool.  I hoped I'd get an opportunity to hang out with him again at some point, but just in a friendly way.  I was headed to the UK to stay with an ex who I still had feelings for, so wasn't entertaining the possibility of a relationship.  Over this time I saw him a few times at Poetry Live type things, and thought him to be a bit of a snob.  Many times I tried to talk to him, and was ignored for someone more important in poetry.  I thought he was a bit too cool for school.

And life went on.  I went to the UK and came back in time for our mutual friend's wedding.  I was helping set up, and doing a few bits and pieces to help out.  On arriving home, my ex told me he wished I hadn't left.  I told him he should have said something before I left, and didn't rush back into his arms, but stayed in NZ despite feeling a total wreck about it.  I loved him madly, but we didn't seem to be very good for each other.  It was a hard situation.

I saw Murray again at our friend Micky's wedding - we were sat at the same table (the awesome friends table) and were even paired up for a photo.  I still thought he was choice, after calling him on his snobbery and having it explained, but that was about it.  I was a heartbroken wreck.

A few months later, and Micky, myself and some others from Poetry Live were deep into organising the first Metonymy collaboration - a pairing of visual and literary artists culminating in an exhibition (and later also performance).  Like many of our artsy friends, Murray was also involved.  It was around this time we started properly being friends.

What I didn't know, was that my version of being friendly, was being taken as a come on.  Murray thought I 'liked' him and he 'liked' me too.  I can, in retrospect, understand why.  I took him out West to meet my friends, saw him bark like a dog in a crazy exhibition and was in regular contact with him.  Anyhow, around this time I'd also moved in with our mutual friend, and she invited Murray, and some of their other poetry friends for dinner.  It was a total set up.

Realising this totally freaked me out.  Nonetheless somehow we ended up drunk with Murray confessing his feelings to me and we ended up making out, and he stayed over awkwardly in my single bed.  The next day we woke up hungover and dishevelled.  I suggested what I usually suggest for a hangover - an outing.  We ended up at some bird collectors conference in Western Springs looking at doves.  It was a terrifying experience, but did help combat the hangover and make for a fun story later on.

I guess this commenced us dating.

Because I was not intending to date anyone due to still being a bit of a mess about my last relationship I did the second most sensible thing and told Murray the situation.  I thought Murray was a nice guy, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings so wanted to be straight with him from the beginning.  Murray didn't mind.  Before this, he'd been properly single some almost seven years, so he was happy with whatever.

I spent the first six months of seeing him thinking it was nothing serious before I realised how different our relationship was to any I'd ever had before.  It was just easier.  I didn't really fall in love with Murray, I just fell more and more in like with him.  When my ex returned to the country I was pretty anxious about how I would feel, and while I still had 'feelings', being with Murray made me realise how stupid they were as despite having been madly in love with him, I didn't really like him nearly as much as I liked Murray.

I know it sounds boring but Murray and I above all things, have always been friends and always made a great team.  Both of us are amazed at the speed in which the last three years have gone by, as while it hasn't been effortless, most of the time it's been pretty easy.  I think that because above all other things, we respect and care for each other.  That tops crazy in love love any day of the week.  Because it doesn't fizzle out.

And a mutual love of board games helps.  Even though we have different playing and learning styles (and I am horrible to teach new games to) we are worthy adversaries at most games.  This means playing board games never gets dull, as they are always challenging.  Playing board games regularly encourages co-operation, sportsmanship, healthy competition and above all else, communication.  How can this not enhance an already awesome partnership?

The last three years has mostly gone so fast because we've had fun.  Yes, we've done some boring grown up things like had jobs, bought a house and built a tiny human, but we've also played a lot of games, been on holidays and continued being our silly selves.  Being with Murray balances my serious side and helps me not just plan for the future, but plan for a fun future.  Murray is the difference between us having a financially secure future and a financially secure future plus a collection of board games and robots.  That's an important difference.

I am so glad to have such a fun adversary and partner in life.

Us today: still silly serious but with better beads.

  * If you went to Massey High School, you'll get it.  For most people who did not, our cycling team were national champions and touted at pretty much every weekly assembly.  So many of our cyclists faces are imprinted forever on my, and probably others, memories from having to stare at them getting some recognition or other on an almost weekly basis.  Our cyclists were on par with our First 15.  That's crazy shit.

On Remaining Civilised

Tomorrow it'll be two years since Murray and I had our Civil Union.  And since I was such a slacker last year and forgot to write about our first anniversary, I thought I'd better write about where things are at two years on.

The last two years have been eventful, but have also flown by.  We bought our first home, we dealt with some health issues, and now we're not far away from having our first kid.  All of these things sound very grown up which feels weird (me?  A grown up?) but whilst doing all these things we're still living our lives pretty much as we always have: I'm still reading, writing and waxing political, Murray's still gaming and we're both still busy with work, family and friends. 

It might sound like an odd thing to say, but I'm so grateful that not much has changed.  The only major change for me is that I feel more secure in our relationship, which allows me the freedom to focus on other aspects of my life.  I see being in this Union as being more like being part of a 'life team' (puke-worthy I know, sorry).  We each bring different skills and qualities to our team, and we need to have faith in each other for this team to be a success. 

As quite independent people, we tend to do our own thing much of the time, and that works for us.  What's important is that we have the same big picture goals and each contribute to achieving these.  Also important is to remember that we're human, and humans in enclosed spaces will likely butt heads time to time.  Recognising the difference between head-butting due to a bad day versus being due to an actual issue is an important skill to master.  Once you can do that, working out how to minimise the fallout constructively is the next step to a harmonious 'Unionised' existence.  While we're not perfect at this, we do our best, and that's probably the most important thing of all.

The fact that two years has gone by so fast speaks for the fact that despite facing big grown up things together, it mostly hasn't felt like hard slog.  I'm more of a realist than a romantic, and think that still enjoying someone's company after two years of being 'Civilised', four years of living together and five years of being in a relationship, is more a testament of our love than any well meant poem or sparkly bling.  For our anniversary we'll be celebrating with a nice dinner out where we know the food is great, the drink menu superb, and we won't catch bed bugs (this happened on our first anniversary.  Probably good I didn't write about it.)

And while not much has changed for us one thing that looks like it will change soon is the legality of gay marriage in New Zealand.  And because this may be changing, we are often asked if we will convert our Civil Union to a Marriage.  While I'm so glad that this change is on the cards, after a very brief discussion on the topic, we decided that we will not be converting ('Do you want to convert to a Marriage?'... 'No'... 'Neither') .

The two main reasons we chose to have a union of some kind were:
a) to solidify the bond that we already recognised as a couple

b) to celebrate this bond with the people we care about

Now that we have done that, there is no reason to rehash things.  The only practical reason to change from a Civil Union to a Marriage would be in order for us to adopt.  As far as I'm concerned the adoption laws in New Zealand still need updating, regardless of whether gay marriage is legalised or not, so it is still important to make people aware of this.  Being in a Civil Union allows us to do this.

In keeping our Civil Union we are recognising that inequality still exists.  I find it illogical that de facto couples, many of whom have been in relationships that far outstrip those of their 'Married' counterparts, cannot legally adopt as a couple.  To me, saying that those in Civil Unions and de facto relationships do not have the right to adopt is similar to religious persecution.  Why should we discriminate against people who, for whatever reason, choose not to marry?  And more importantly, given societal changes, why haven't we revisited our adoption laws since the 1950's?

I understand that this is partly due to the fact that we only have a very small amount of adoptions in New Zealand every year.  However, I do not feel this is a good enough reason to allow discrimination.  Like legalising gay marriage, this is a human rights issue.
 

If gay marriage comes in and makes Civil Unions obsolete, so be it (I think this is highly unlikely - there are many reasons to choose a Civil Union).  I will be so proud to live in a country where gay people can get married (fingers crossed for Wednesday), but it's important to remember where we came from, and that so many people worked hard toward making this change possible.  I'm looking forward to being that crazy old person who says 'We had a Civil Union because back in my day kids, gay people couldn't get married' and seeing disbelieving wide eyed faces staring back at me. 

And Murray will be there looking at me too, rolling his eyes and biting his tongue or mimicking me poorly behind my back.  Happy anniversary Murray.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my political rantiness x x