A Solution to Crazy NZ Holidays

Here in New Zealand, our holidays make no sense.

         

Queens Birthday weekend?  That queen doesn't live here.  Sure, we're part of the 'Commonwealth' but what does that actually mean anymore?  Besides those people who actually watch the Commonwealth Games, ex-pat Brits or the elderly, does anyone care?  Does the British monarchy still hold bearing for us here in Aotearoa?  And what happens when there's a change in leadership?  If Charles takes the reins will the holiday move to November?  Any why do we not also have a holiday to celebrate our Māori Kiingi Tūheitia's birthday on the 21st of April?  This holiday seems outdated and redundant.

Will Charles ever get an official holiday?        

Just like Labour weekend.  Sure, achieving the 8 hour work day was a big deal at the time.  But at this current time where personal median income is less than half of that required to get into the housing market in Auckland, it seems a little redundant.  Especially when you consider that back in the 1950's, the total cost of a house was about 2 - 3 times an average annual household income.  Not only are more than two average incomes required to gain what for many is a benchmark for financial stability, but working more than the 8 hour day is necessary for many to simply survive in the current economic climate.  Stats NZ figures show that 2/3 of Kiwi's will have worked beyond 7 - 7 Monday to Friday at some point in the last month.  These days it's not unusual for people to have more than one job just to put food on the table.  And while our average hours worked has dropped over the last 45 years, in many industries 50 hour work weeks are the norm.  On average, our truckies work 60 - 70 hours per week.  And with shopping considered an integral part of daily life, retail workers still go to work on that holiday Monday.  For me, the best thing about Labour weekend is getting time and a half and a day in lieu.

          The peaceful settlement of Parihaka was
invaded by 1500 armed constabulary on November 5th

Thankfully, Emily Writes just wrote something fabulous that says almost everything I need to say about Guy Fawkes.  Celebrating hanging a human for standing up to 'the man' is macabre.  Fireworks scare our pets and children*.  While it's not worthy of a day off, it still exists as a holiday in the hearts and minds of many.  A day where we celebrate murder by torturing our most vulnerable with lights and fire and noise.  A day where we test the reserve and skills of our firefighters because November is also quite a flammable time of year here in Aotearoa.  This is just madness.  Plus the 5th of November marks the first day of the invasion of Parihaka.  Something the Crown acknowledged and apologised for just this year.  This is not a day to celebrate**.

The last census results showed that more New Zealanders now identify as having no religion than identify as Christian - the previously dominant faith system.  But Christianity still dominates our holidays.  And while both Easter and Christmas were both created around existing Pagan traditions to make spreading The Faith simpler, in the Southern Hemisphere all these celebrations are backward.  While Easter is about celebrating rebirth after surviving the harsh Winter, here in New Zealand it's Autumn.  Everything is falling into decay around us as the cold creeps in.  And while Christmas is about celebrating with feasts and friendship to stave off the depression that accompanies the cold, it falls in the middle of our hot Kiwi Summer.

A Christmas Tree installation made from used plastic bags
                             by Luzinterruptus                             

Of course, consumerism has rebranded both of these holidays as something available to all.  Media propagates the notion that we must spend, or at least give the illusion of spending, to show our loved ones we care.  And because it is difficult to exist outside of consumer culture nowadays, the majority of us consider this a palatable rebrand.  This feels increasingly at odds with the global shift toward environmentalism.  With Greta Thunberg now a household name you would think maybe there would be a downturn in celebrating this holiday in such a consumables focused way.  So far, statistics say no.  Last year our Eftpos transactions were at a record high just two days out from Christmas.  And this is Eftpos, so these stats come from physical retailers.  So we know for a fact these were not charity gifts from places like Oxfam Unwrapped or Gifted.

Is a chocolate Jesus just a tastier way to    
partake of the body of Christ?           

Maybe this year will be different?

What does Jesus have to do with chocolate?  I mean, I like Jesus*** and I like chocolate, but otherwise I can't find a connection. Is it some kind of Christian rebrand to suck the kiddies in like the Pagan holiday rebrand?  Nope.  Just more big business cashing in with unnecessary marketing, unnecessary calories and more shiny, shiny landfill.

Man I'm a downer...

Given all I've just said it might seem like I hate holidays.  I don't.  I need holidays.  I think we all need time to celebrate, time with those we love and time to recharge.  I just think our current holidays could do with a bit of a shake up.  It's weird giving people cards with snowmen on them during a time when you can literally get 3rd degree burns from walking barefoot on the beach.  Almost every holiday is based around stuff that happens on the other side of the world.  That makes no sense to me.

There is one existing holiday I'm ok with: Waitangi Day.  It makes sense.  It is celebrated on the main day of the signing of Te Tiriti O Waitangi rather than being Mondayised for convenience.  It is a celebration of the beginning of a new era for New Zealand, and while a lot of shit accompanied that era, particularly for Māori, I feel like Waitangi Day is a time we can remember this, and talk about it, and work toward doing better.  I like Waitangi Day because it has relevance to all of us who call New Zealand home.

I do think we need a new holiday.  I think we should be celebrating Matariki.  Not only because it's an important time for Māori, but because we need a mid-Winter celebration.  We need that time to gather together to stave off insanity.  We need something to work toward during those rainy, muddy bleak months.  And Matariki reflects our place in the world.  I say Matariki should be a public holiday.  Matariki should become our new time to celebrate the joy of life with those we love.  A fresh beginning together as a community.

I love Diwali

The other holiday I'd like to implement is Diwali.  I reckon we get rid of Guy Fawkes, we get rid of Halloween, and swap both for Diwali.  Not only is it relevant to a big part of our community, but it's also just an awesome celebration.  The festival of lights, in simple form, is the celebration of light overcoming darkness, of good overcoming evil.  Etta's simple analogy: Diwali is like Star Wars.  And it can be celebrated with fireworks displays****.  This would satisfy that weird human desire to watch stuff explode, in a safe and controlled way.  It makes sense to me to celebrate Diwali in Spring.  The lead up to Diwali is almost literally about Spring cleaning and redecorating.  What better time is there to celebrate Lakshmi, the goddess of wealth, good fortune and prosperity, than after Winter?  When we are seeing this wealth demonstrated in the world springing back to life around us.  And I like celebrating a lady deity.  I mean, I'm down with Jesus, but he ain't the be all and end all. 

        Good Ol' Kate Sheppard
Speaking of the ladies, I say we start celebrating being the first self-governing nation to give women the right to vote.  Kiwi's happily flaunt this factoid when making claims that we are a 'progressive'***** nation.  Rather than just being something to talk about when mansplaining feminism to someone, why not celebrate this?  Maybe it will remind us of the power we have as a nation to actually improve things?  Even if suffrage came about here purely as an attempt to implement temperance, who cares?  We actualised a big change.  I propose celebrating Suffrage on the date this change came into law, September 19th.  Colloquially known as Kate Sheppard day, this will be a day of celebrating our mothers, our sisters, our daughters, our lady co-workers, neighbours and shop keepers.  A day where you can choose to do as Kate did and teetotal, or do what other Kiwi women unexpectedly did, and vote to keep on drinkin' that hooch!  But most importantly, a day where we remember our power as people to bring change that empowers those groups who are marginalised.

So my updated New Zealand holiday calendar goes like this:

Jan/Feb - New Years, if you like, or Chinese New Years if you prefer******
Feb 6th - Waitangi Day
April - Easter/Extra Long DIY Weekend Holiday
June/July - Matariki/Winter Solstice
19th September - Kiwi Suffrage/Kate Sheppard Day
October/Nov - Diwali
December - Christmas/Over-indulgence and time with family day

What would your ideal holidays look like?






* As the parent of a kid with sensory issues, I can tell you - fireworks season SUCKS for our household.

** Unless it's your birthday.  Happy birthday shout out to Phoebe and Uncle Hemi!

*** I'm not religious.  But I have read a fair amount of theosophical texts and for the most part, I'm down with Jesus.  Being kind to strangers?  Washing the feet of beggars?  Consorting with working girls?  Turning water into wine?  Jesus is totally my homeboy.

**** I think fireworks for home use should be banned.

***** They're wrong in that we're progressive.  We still have some of the highest family violence rates in the OECD, a pay gap and unequal representation in parliament/government to contend with.  We have a LOT of work to do on this front.  Most people who tout this fact are just trying to maintain the status quo.  We can be, and should be trying for much better than the status quo. Our status quo is a mess.

****** Chinese New Year is certainly my preference.  There are special foods.  There are special dances.  There is much community celebration, and I love the 12 year cycle of coming into New Years.  Pakeha New Years (in my experience) is just about getting drunk enough to pash a stranger in town, waking up with regrets and a hangover.  And it's expected you stay up until at least midnight.  These are not my idea of ways of celebrating.  I always offer to work New Years Day precisely because I know many of my younger co-workers still partake in that tradition.

On Surviving School Holidays

I've done it.

I've survived another two weeks of children at home.

Another two weeks of sister on sister violence. 
Another two weeks of hearing 'I'm bored!' when I've already suggested four things to do.
Another two weeks of counting the hours until the end of the holidays

I have no good parenting tips on how to get through this.  I am never going to win a Mother Of The Year award.  My techniques aren't going to work for everyone.  But I survived.  And here is how I did it.

Working More
I cashed in on other parents wanting to spend time with their kids by taking on more hours at work.  The thing is that someone's got to do it.  Some people straight up can't afford childcare for the holidays.  Some folk aren't so lucky to have family available to help out.  And those people need the flexibility of being able to take time off for the holidays.  I'm lucky to have an amazingly supportive mother and a partner who loves spending time with his kids.  So while I was limited in how much I could take on (because Mum and Murray can't do it every day!) I did take on a few extra hours to give me a little bit of space.

Etta with her bestie at Chipmunks

Playdates 
While we didn't do as many of these as we'd planned, they really did help break up those two weeks.  Etta got to spend a whole day with her bestie, while Abby got to spend that whole day alone with my Mum (one of her most favorite people) and I got to go to work.  And when I got home from work they were actually nice to each other because they hadn't got under each others skin all day.

And when Etta's friend spent an afternoon here, it was just heavenly!  Having that extra little person, even if she was technically 'Etta's' friend, broke up the usual dynamic so all the kids played together and I could actually do something enjoyable!  I watched a (child appropriate) game show and knitted wash cloths for my hapu friend and actually got some writing done.  I made up a plate of snacks that they could eat when they were hungry, and other than eating, they just played happily.  Bliss!

We had planned an epic time at a local park with a bunch of school friends, but sadly this was thwarted by the weather.  But I do think it would have been an awesome thing to do.  Something I'll revisit in the Summer holidays.  Often we'll stay at school to play on the playground with other families we know.  This would be just like this only even better because the kids have missed each other.

Not Sweating The Small Stuff
I let the kids watch TV when it's raining.  I let Etta coerce Abby into counting their button collections together.  I let them stay in their PJ's all day if we don't have to go anywhere.  I let them stay up late reading, or doing yoga, or drawing in their rooms.  I bribed them to help me clean with the promise of a Lego blindbag (just the one time).  No point in worrying.  It's just two weeks.  We've just gotta survive it without driving each other too crazy.

Normal Bedtime
My kids are cranky enough when they're out of a routine.  So why would I change the one routine that doesn't need to change?  While I allowed them read/draw/yoga longer in their rooms than usual, I still put them to bed at the usual time.  For their well-being, but equally for mine.  Mama needs some grown up time away from the kids.  Especially after playing referee all day.

Making Them Clean...
So they're home more than usual and they're bored?  Oh well, they can help me clean the house!  The great thing is that at the moment, cleaning the toilet is still a novelty for them, so they actually argue over who gets to do it!  They also care more about pocket money because there's more free time to actually go to a shop, so I cash in on that opportunity.  Even if it's just a 'do three small jobs' tidy, it all makes a difference to the livability of our home, and that's even more important during rainy school holidays

Abby riding a pony at Crystal Mountain with my Mum

Treating Myself With Kindness
It is hard not to beat yourself up over not using the school holidays as an opportunity to do something great.  To connect with your kids, to take them away on an actual holiday, to do a bunch of educational activities.  I mean, doing any or all of those things is the ideal, but not always the reality.  My reality was having less time than usual to actually sleep.  So school holidays is mega tiring.  I had to focus on the fact that actually, the kids did get to do some pretty cool stuff and no-one had to go to A&E.  So really, that's a pretty good outcome.

Snatching Those Minutes
I am a person who needs her space and time.  And during the holidays that daytime time just doesn't exist any more.  The kids are there.  Every day.  And when I'm not working, so am I.  So I have to cash in on those small bits of time where no-one is there.  On days where I was super tired I would beg a half hour of 'rest time' where I would set a timer for half an hour and read in my room and shut my eyes for a bit.  Bliss.  Sometimes.  Some days the kids would be in every five minutes to tell me about something they'd just read, or made or injured... But some days I actually got a wee break to just be without someone talking at or needing something from me.  I also left for work a little early some days so I could just sit quietly in the car for five minutes alone.

The kids with their portraits.  So cool!

Utilising Free Activities
Being a suburban Mum is weird for me because I didn't grow up in the suburbs.  As a country kid I'm pretty sure I hardly saw my parents during the daytime in the holidays*.  I would have been either reading somewhere, climbing a tree, catching frogs and generally finding stuff to explore around the farm.  And I can't quite let the kids run free around the neighbourhood here.  There are cars, and predators and it's just not what small kids do these days. 

But what we do have is a variety of free holiday things to do!  The malls have activities on.  Bunnings has activities on.  The library has activities on.  Honestly, we could probably do three or four free activities a week without going further than 10 minutes from our house.  This holidays we learned how to make balloon swords and dogs and the kids had their portraits drawn by some pretty amazing Kiwi artists from the Quick Draw Sketch Gang.  And not only was it great for the kids, but I discovered that not only do I like making balloon animals, but I'm actually pretty good at it.

Our growing seeds: thyme, radish, squash

Tricking The Kids Into Helping Out
Much along the same lines as the cleaning thing.  I like having a garden, but I am a very slack gardener.  I made visiting Bunnings and planting things a 'fun activity' so I could get it done without complaint from my clingy kids that I wasn't paying attention to them.  I let them choose some $1 seeds each to plant and we've watched baby radishes, thyme and courgettes emerge as the holidays has progressed.  We planted out Abby's sunflower from Kindy and put strawberries and lavender into bigger pots on my new planter.  And it was fun!  Even if the kids were mostly just keen on watering stuff, I got a little gardening done.

Being Grateful
The best thing about the holidays is that they end.  And when they're done, you can finally have some time out for yourself.  While I do find holidays hard**, it helps me to appreciate what our teachers do not just for our kids, but for us.  Not only do they educate and care for our children, but they allow us time to do the other things we need to do.  Whether it be going to work, cleaning the house, doing things to keep us physically fit, or doing things to help our mental health.  While I know not everyone feels the struggle like I do, I hope that everyone is on the same page in being so grateful for what these wonderful people do for us.  Whether they teach ECE***, Primary or Secondary, our teachers are an invaluable part of our lives.

And I am blessed in that our kids teachers are lovely ones. Because of this our kids were actually excited about returning to school and Kindy.  And while for Etta this was more about seeing her friends and only a little about her teacher, for Abby it was ALL about her wonderful teachers.

And now they're out at school and Kindy, I might go have a nap.

* This was very well probably not the case at all.
** 2 weeks is liveable, the Christmas holiday period however...  That's something else.
*** Here's a link to a petition for more equal pay for our ECE teachers if you are interested in signing and/or reading.

Coping With Change

I swear I'm going to be an awful complaining old person.
I'm already like a grumpy old lady and I'm not even 40 years old!
I hate change.

And while I know that change is necessary for progress, and something I facilitate within my own life, some change just sucks.

My local supermarket closed on Saturday.

It seems petty, but it really is a big deal.  I mean, our kids cried, and we had to make a special trip to go and say goodbye.

My kids dig Stickman

It's not just because it's Pak 'n' Save and it's affordable and less than ten minutes from home and the kids love Stickman.  It's not just because I know the layout and write my shopping lists via an imaginary walk-through down its aisles.  It's because we know the people who work there.  Many of those wonderful people have been a regular part of my life since we moved out West more than seven years ago.  They have seen me through pregnancy and crying babies.  They have seen me in tougher times, armed with a calculator and in better times with treats in the trolley.  They have showered our children with free teeny chip packages from unexpectedly opened multi-packs.  The staff at Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save have been a big part of my life for the last seven years.

And now they won't be any more.

And what makes the whole thing worse is that how the owners went about this was not the best.  Sure, as a customer the store had some great deals prior to closing.  But the staff there were not offered a fair redundancy*.  And few have jobs to move on to.  And they have had to endure the whole will they-wont they back and forth over when the store would close.  I've been in that position myself and I can tell you it's really not fun.  Those people who have made us feel so welcome in our local community, many of them are now jobless after, for some, decades of good service.  I am mourning for those wonderful people.

And I am dreading having to do the grocery shopping this week.

Countdown cannot tempt me with
their parental guilt traps...      

My next closest supermarket is the Westcity Countdown.  But our food budget doesn't stretch to Countdown prices without making some serious sacrifices.  Our next best option is Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln road.  But it's on Lincoln Road.  And it's huge.  And huge shops freak me out.  I will have to learn a new supermarket layout.  I will have to change my usual tightly timed Thursday shopping schedule to accommodate an extra 20 minutes for travel time.  And no-one there will know me.  No-one there has watched my children grow up.  No-one knows my name.  That might change in time, but currently, I'm resistant to it.  It's not my supermarket.  I don't know how it can be.  I am currently bereft of a supermarket.

And I haven't just lost my supermarket.

My chemist is also closing this week.  This is completely understandable.  The Chemist Warehouse has opened up across the road, and if it's affecting aspects of my workplace's trade (which it is) it will certainly be affecting theirs.  While this isn't as big of a shock - while my chemist is not such a big part of my life, it's still sad.  And again, many of the staff do not have jobs to move on to.  Many of the staff have worked there for a long time.  This closure will impact on their lives in a big way.

There are plenty of other chemists nearby, but, sadly the cheapest and closest option for us is the very reason my chemist has closed.  I've only been to The Chemist Warehouse once and it is really not my cup of tea.  Like the Lincoln Road Pak 'n' Save it is huge and overwhelming.  But like my chemist, there is no charge for prescriptions.  And when you, or others in your household are on more than one regular medication, avoiding this cost really makes a big difference.

Where have all the postboxes gone?

And our postboxes over time have gradually disappeared.  I filled out my voting form for the local body election ages ago, but am yet to post it as I am unsure as to where I can post them any more.  And I don't trust the post box maps online because the last time I tried using one, it was out of date.  I have to drop the forms off to my local library today because it's now past the time that I can post my forms.  I don't post things often, but when our electoral system, hospital system and social service systems (WINZ) are still dependent on snail mail, it's quite important we can still easily access post**.  I mean, if they have real concerns about voter turnouts maybe this is a simple thing they could consider.  If it affects me, a relatively 'young' person, what impact will this have on older folk, or people in poverty, or folk with health or mobility issues?

Some changes are made without consideration of their wider impact.

I know that my reaction to these changes is probably bigger than it maybe should be.  But when you're overwhelmed by big changes, every little change becomes harder to process.  The last two years have seen huge changes for me.  Issues within my broader family have meant major changes to our family life. Where we used to have a huge extended family Christmas dinner, last year for the first time ever, it was just our wee family of four.  We have had to make big changes in order to keep our family safe.  And while those changes have been by no means ideal, they have been necessary.

Sometimes we have to make drastic changes to work toward changing this culture

And while all change is hard, the reality is that it is necessary for growth.  As a nation, our family violence rates are appalling.  And when in our own lives, we actively, or inactively allow abusive relationships to foster and grow, we are contributing to this.  I know this is something that we can change.  I know exactly why this change seldom happens because I live with the consequences of my choices around this every day.  It's not easy.  I am labelled a 'shit stirrer'.  I am told I don't understand the value of 'family.'  By calling out abusive behaviours I have become a target for further abuse.  This isn't exactly fun.  Actually, it's quite lonely.  But I want to build a better world for our children, and in order to do that I cannot allow abusive behaviours to manifest in either mine, or their lives.  I refuse to normalise abuse because 'Aunty Betty is just old fashioned.'  It's just not ok.  I don't want my kids to ever think that's ok.

I think one of our biggest problems is we are not taught to recognise abuse
Here are some of the warning signs.

I know that for those staff from Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save and Westcity Life Pharmacy this change is hard.  But I hope that this is one of those changes that is for the better.  I hope they get to move on to places that actually pay them what they're worth (Pak 'n' Save and Countdown union members are both fighting for Living Wage).  I hope they move on to places that appreciate and understand the experience they have gained in the work they've been doing and recognise how good they are at dealing with people.  I really hope that the Auckland Zoo Gift shop re-looks at their applications and realised they missed a gem in not even giving Kat Stellar an interview.  I can think of no other person who would be more enthusiastic, better with children or experienced, to do that job amazingly well.

Change is hard, but I always hope that with it comes positive growth.

I went to Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln Road for a recce yesterday.  It was awful.  The kids hated it.  There were too many people and too many things to shop.  But I found some reasonably priced chorizo, something not at my old Pak 'n' Save.  And I don't eat that stuff, but Murray does.  So I built him a pizza with it because I was going out for a work dinner and felt a little guilty.  And he said that pizza was so delicious he ate the whole thing and had none left for lunch the next day.

It's a small win, but it's a start.

*  There is no point going into details, but I do know some of the details and it is extremely unethical, particularly toward the staff that have been there for longer than the current franchise owner.

** It now costs $1.30 to send basic post within NZ now.  That really isn't accessible.  Particularly for the elderly, many of whom still rely on post and many of whom are reliant on a pension to survive.

On How I Manage My Life

This year has been very busy and very hard.  My mental health has suffered and as a consequence, my creative practice.  While last year I managed my goal of writing one short story every month, comparatively this year I have written very little.  I had not set a large goal for this year.  I had a project earlier on which I knew would eat into my brain matter, so I had decided at the outset to take things easy.

But not quite this easy...

I'm the tallest one in the picture for once!   
Winning a Mothers Day Card comp circa 1993

When I have little to no creative output everything just feels wrong.  It's not due to guilt, or ego.  It's more a loss of my sense of self.  I've been creating in some form or another for as long as I can remember.  I started keeping a poetry journal when I was about eight, which I still have* alongside some of the obsessively crafted stories of imaginary worlds a nine year old me put on paper.  While creating is a large part of who I am I strongly suspect that it's a coping mechanism.  Sometimes a means of escaping.  Sometimes a means of analysing and understanding.  Always an important tool for managing my mental health.

A stack of frozen baby food.  So pretty!

When the kids were little and my brain function was at an all time low, I focused on creating manageable things.  I made jellies and delighted in their colours.  I made a sourdough starter and from that created gluten free bread twice a week.  I exulted in the rainbow of homemade baby food I blitzed for Etta.  I focused on different creative outputs so I still felt human.

But this year my brain has felt too full to do even that.

I have had patches of activity and patches of nothingness.  There has been no consistency.  My mental health has been the worst it's been since Abby was small**.  And I'm not sure what this is like for other creatives, but for me it forms a vicious cycle.  Down and exhausted so no energy to create.  Don't create, so feel further disconnected from myself.  Disconnection makes me feel even worse about myself.

Plum jellies, such a gorgeous colour!

But recently I've had a breakthrough.

This breakthrough was, in part, due to going back onto medication to get some stability***.  Once I gained my equilibrium I had a brilliant idea.

Excel.

I love spreadsheets.  They help me feel calm.  The absolutes of mathematics are comforting.  While I mostly use them for creating budgets (I love making budgets), I've used them for many other things.  I used them to monitor Etta's sleep when she was a baby.  I use them to create week planners and charts for the kids.  I used them to chart my temperature when I was attempting to conceive Etta**** - which totally worked.  In fact, one of Etta's middle names (Sally) is derived from Murray's workmates nickname for our potential progeny: Celly.  Thus named for mine and Murray's***** obsession with Excel.

A few weeks ago I suddenly realised another way I could use Excel to improve my life.


I started tracking my writing.

I set myself an optimum goal of writing four hours a week.  I know it doesn't seem like much, but it is much more than zero.  Four hours is half of an eight hour work day.  Four hours feels like a manageable amount plus enough to achieve something tangible.  And while I haven't managed that goal as yet, I have managed to get some semblance of a writing practice happening.  I am excited about creating data to analyse and decide what else I should be tracking.  I have managed to post a blog once a week over the last three weeks while posting consistently on the same day.  This has never happened before.

I have built some LEGO this year, but building
without instructions meets a very different need.

It probably seems a bit silly, but I'm a list maker.  I'm a chart filler.  I'm a box ticker.  Having a visual reminder of what I should be doing makes me want to fill in those little boxes.  I'm a teachers pet from way back.  So it means that even if I really don't feel like writing.  Even if my brain is tired or my mind is blank I am picking up the laptop in bed and putting words on the screen.  I'm taking the lappy to work and snatching five minutes of writing time in the car.  I am editing in the lunch room.  And those words might be rubbish.  But it doesn't matter.  Because it's a start and it gives me a place to work forward from.  Building something is better than building nothing.

And I am starting to feel better.  I am still saddened that two wonderful people have left this earth sooner than they should have, but I'm coming to terms with it.  They were both problem solvers.  Both determined (some might even say stubborn) to do what they felt they were called to regardless of what barriers were put in their path.  Even if what I'm making currently is unremarkable, I am making.  And making is helping this grief, this loss, feel more manageable.



* Oh dear lord there is some awful stuff in there!

** A colicky baby who will not sleep alone plus a toddler with sensory issues does not make for good mental health
*** I had gone off my meds by accident (again), but had been coping ok.  I found that I was sleeping much better when I wasn't medicated, and that felt friggen amazing.  But with all the things that happened this year, after a while that ability to cope faded.  And, even with the negative affect it has on my sleep, medication became necessary again.

**** I only have one fallopian tube and had just been the go ahead to try to conceive.  But when not on the pill, my cycle is super irregular (thank you endo!) so I needed all the help I could get.  We had been told due to my medical issues we would be eligible for one bout of free IVF on the government, but having been through unsuccessful IVF as an egg donor previously, I really hoped to avoid that.

***** Murray is not so much obsessed with Excel, as someone who has had to use it as part of his job.  He is the master of adding buttons to make cool stuff happen to your data collection.

On Discovering Etta Had Sleep Apnoea: An Education

Parenting doesn't come with a manual.  I don't think there is a way any human can be prepared to deal with the stuff you might have to deal with when you become a parent.  You have no way of knowing what personality your kid might have, the kinds of things they struggle with or what health issues they may have.

I think parenting is tough for us all.  We all have our different challenges and we find ways of managing them in many ways.
Baby Etta - no way we could know what
challenges she might face.

From early on we knew Etta was different.  I wrote a three part blog series on this back in 2017 as it really affected our daily lives and I hoped sharing our experience might be useful for other parents dealing with similar.  Pretty much the same reason I'm writing about this.  At the time of writing those posts I thought we finally had some answers - Etta was gifted and had sensory issues.  That made, and still makes, total sense.  Etta's behavior is fairly typical of both of these things.  Parenting her was challenging, but that was to be expected.  We hadn't realised there was anything else missing from the picture.

But subsequently we discovered she had a significant health issue that was amplifying her issues.  And it was not something we would have easily picked up without help.

Tonsillitis, a pretty normal childhood illness    

Etta first got tonsillitis when she was not quite 2.  It was scary for a day or so, but she took her antibiotics and she got better.  Then over the last two years she had a few bouts of tonsillitis and  strep throat back to back.  From the many other parents I know I'd heard that tonsils are usually only considered problematic when there are back-to-back bouts of tonsillitis over a significant period of time.  As this wasn't the case (yet) we still weren't too concerned.

But during the last bout of strep an A&E doctor said it might be worth seeing a specialist purely because of the size of her tonsils.  This doctor's comment made all the difference.

We figured, why not?  We are fortunate in that we have health insurance, so there was no additional cost or harm we could see in following up on that advice.  When I saw our GP for a referral she told me in her opinion the appointment was unnecessary.  She said it was unlikely a tonsillectomy would be recommended.  I wasn't concerned.  I reiterated that I was just following up on other advice.  I'm not a medical professional.  I have no way of knowing what the best course of action would be.  But I am a parent, and I care about the wellbeing of my kids.  And I knew a specialist would know better than two GP's with differing ideas.  The GP gave us the referral but made it clear that we were most likely over-reacting to a normal childhood illness.

Gillies hospital was fantastic.  Unlimited iceblocks, jelly and lollipops.  And lunch for us too.

With health insurance, appointments are fast.  I have friends still waiting through public for the same consult and it's been more than four months.  We had an appointment to see an ENT specialist at Gillies Hospital within two weeks*  I steeled myself for being told off for wasting this guys time.  But before we even saw him the receptionist gave me a questionnaire to fill out.  It asked a series of questions that no-one had ever asked me before - about Etta's moods and behaviour.  When I saw the specialist before he even looked down her throat he told me she had all the symptoms of sleep apnoea.

This was an education in itself.

Etta sleeping with Nettie.  We had no idea Etta    
wasn't getting the sleep that she should be.     

It turns out I knew basically nothing about sleep apnoea.  I had been asked by GP's if she had sleep apnoea previously and I said no, because I didn't really know what it was.  I always thought it was something older, overweight people got. I thought it meant you stopped breathing in your sleep.  I had heard of CPAP machines, but only because a few comedy movies and sitcoms I've seen had annoying characters use them to disturb everyone's sleep.  I had no idea this was not just a domain exclusive to older people.  I had no clue that kids could have it.  I had no idea that her irritibility, trouble sleeping or her snoring were all common symptoms.  No-one had asked me before.

We did know that Etta was chronically exhausted.  Once she started school we had to stop all her extra-curricula activities as she just didn't have the energy for them.  Whilst she performed well in school, once it had finished each day she dissolved into a sad, grumpy mess of a kid.  Normal playdates with friends were tricky.  She would want to go, but once there was too tired to handle being in a new environment.  And we are those strict early bedtime kinds of parents, so she wasn't going to bed late.  She did sometimes wake overnight but she's an imaginative kid** with sensory issues so that seemed normal.

Bride soup, one of the only meals containing some vegetables that Etta will eat.  It is delicious

Because of her sensory issues, for a while I thought her tiredness might be due to her lacking-almost-completely-in-vegetables diet.  So we decided to take her for a blood test.  And while that was a horrible experience in itself (took me plus another phlebotomist to hold her down while a second phlebotomist took her blood) it came back clean.  They'd checked her iron, her B12 and given how pale and thin she is, they checked for Coeliac disease too.  Her bloodwork was perfect.  We've subsequently discovered she was chronically tired because she had sleep apnoea.

That in itself was enough for the specialist to say she fit the criteria for surgery.  And when he looked at her tonsils he could tell us they were so enlarged that the ends had flattened off.  We relax when we're sleeping, which drops the tonsils down further.  So while she slept they were pressing together almost totally obstructing her throat.  This is what caused the flattening off.  We had no idea that this was causing so much trouble for her.

This book made all the difference to Etta

Again, scheduling was quick.  She was booked in for surgery just over two weeks after our consult.  The best thing about going through private besides the time frames were that Etta was treated with the utmost care and respect.  She was given a book which showed a kid like her going through the procedure so she knew everything that was going to happen.  She read that book over and over again.  And for an anxious kid, when the day came for her to have the surgery we had no protests and no tears.  It was a wonderful surprise.

The surgery itself only took about 20 minutes.  We'd signed off on her having an adenotonsillectomy in case her adenoids needed removing as well.  Post surgery, while Etta was in recovery her surgeon told us it had gone well.  Her adenoids had been blocking 85 - 90% of her airways, so this surgery really would be a life changing for her.  And while the first week of recovery was very rough (she wouldn't eat at all for two days of it), six weeks post surgery, we are already seeing those changes.

Our surgeon had told us that the difference this surgery makes for kids like Etta is huge.  Sleep apnoea has a massive impact on a kids ability to grow as they should.  It affects things like their weight, height, their attention span, their ability to socialise and their ability to deal with conflict.  Once sleep apnoea goes, those issues dissipate.  He said many kids have a growth spurt post surgery, and most see improvements in their school work. 

The biggest change we've seen in Etta so far is that she is just a happier kid.  Every day is not such a struggle for her (or us) any more.  We've been able to enroll her in an extra curricular class this term and she, for the most part, enjoys it.  She fights with her sister less.  Her ability to communicate her thoughts and articulate her feelings has improved so she has tantrums less.  She's leapt up two reading levels and she's even showing more interest in trying new foods.

We have a different kid at home.

* I think this is so wrong.  Our public healthcare system needs to be better.  As it stands curently, it isn't able to best serve our people and I know so many people who should have a better quality of life due to simple issues, that can't because of the constraints of our health system.  This doesn't just cost those people, but costs us all financially as preventative or early intervention cost the health system far less than the ambulance at the bottom of the cliff approach.  Those who are financially stable should not be the only people able to access decent care within decent time-frames in Aotearoa.

** She currently is having trouble going to bed because she read about sleepwalking and is now terrified that either she will sleepwalk somewhere and wake up and be scared, or that someone will sleepwalk into her room.  So the sleeping thing wasn't just sleep apnoea.  Her imagination is still a large factor in her anxieties.

On Taking Time Out

I go on holiday alone once a year.  I have done for the last three years.

My hotel room door from this years trip.

I didn't think this was a particularly revolutionary act.  But after my most recent alone-time holiday I was reminded how odd this idea seems to many people.  Most Mums I spoke to about it reacted with surprise or envy*.  And while I guess I only know one other person who does this, so I know it isn't that common, I still find the reaction really sad.  Sad for us as Mums.  Sad for our whole society.  Sad that the world we live in doesn't think that it's normal for us to want or need a break.  That as women, taking time out from our family for ourselves is still a somewhat shocking idea.

And it's sad because of the double standard.  Because I know that no-one bats an eye when men do it.  The amount of Mums I know who have partners that travel for work, or go away for weekends with their mates far exceed the number of Mums I know who do the same.  I've heard this straight out of the mouth of a young, privileged white male.  This person had just taken time out from his family to travel for work for several days - he was away from his family when I saw him - and he berated a mutual friend who regularly travels for work away from her home and family.  He expected me to agree with him.  I don't know how he could possibly have got that more wrong.  This double standard around the roles of Mums and Dads is still so prevalent.  It's just sad.

When I was last catching planes before
I took time out for myself....      

I decided to take this time for myself after I got jealous of Murray.  He had been to Queenstown for a couple of nights for a work conference and was also going to Wellington for two nights for a Blood Bowl tournament.  I had no objection to him going away for work or enjoyment.  It was hardly going to impact on our family for those short periods.  But the idea of spending even just 35 minutes on a plane without children sparked so much joy.  It had to become a reality.

And I realised there was no reason why it couldn't.  Not so I could work or to play Blood Bowl, but to do my own thing.  At that point in time I was working on my Suburban Birds project.  Working on projects helps me feel like a functional human.  But with kids and sleep deprivation in the picture, maintaining a regular art and/or writing practice was (and still is) difficult.  Having some space away from the family would help. 

But more importantly, I was sleep deprived.  I was touched out.  I was sick to death of not being able to so much as take a piss by myself.  When I wasn't at home with the kids I was at work.  Or with friends or family.  Or with Murray.  I never had any quality time to myself, and not having it was impacting on my mental health.  So I decided I would go on a holiday too.

The first year I planned well in advance so I could save up to afford it.  I decided to go to Wellington because Murray's going to Wellington was what sparked my jealousy.  I love Wellington, and I hadn't been down there since I fell pregnant with Etta.  I researched flights and accommodation and booked a teeny self-contained motel room in Kilbirnie for less than $80 per night.  I waited until Air NZ had a sale then booked flights for under $100 return.  I was set.

The finished Suburban Birds Zine

And while the plan was to take the laptop down and work on drawing and writing for Suburban Birds, the bigger picture was simply to spend time doing the things I enjoyed doing before I had kids.  So I went out for breakfast.  I went to galleries and museums.  I read books.  I watched a crappy comedy at the cinemas.  I caught up with friends and played board games at Counter Culture.  I drank more than two glasses of wine without feeling guilty about it.  It was amazing.

And when I got home, like when Murray got home from being away, the kids were ok.  That first year I had genuine concerns.  The first time I went away, Abby was still breastfeeding** and I had been worried she wouldn't cope without me (or my milk***).  I phoned home more than I needed to.  But Abby coped, and Etta did too.  Besides being a bit clingy for a few days, the kids were completely fine and I was in a far better mental state than I was in before those few days away.

So I did the same thing the next year. And again this year.

This year has been tough for me.  There's been difficult family stuff.  I've had friends pass away.  I've coped by working more than I probably should which impacted on my mental health.  This year I needed this holiday more then ever, but didn't really have the headspace to plan it.  So I rethought things.  I simplified.  And I realised I didn't need to travel that far to get the space I need.  So this year I took a holiday in Auckland.

And I funded much of it using vouchers from surveys.

I saved up my Paypal survey rewards for a holiday facial and massage

After making $120 doing online surveys**** in December last year, I realised how much that could contribute to other areas of our regular lives without impacting on our budget.  After I booked my accommodation I started booking Groupons from my 'free' Paypal money close to where I was staying on holiday.  I funded movie passes and Subway vouchers from my survey vouchers.  Not only was this cost effective, but the planning aspect of the holiday was so fun it really gave me something to visualise and look forward to.

A robin I saw on Tiri.  So cute!

Holidaying close to home was truly brilliant.  There are so many things I used to do locally that I just don't do now I have kids.  There were things I'd forgotten I could do.  I discovered a world of possibilities that are literally on my doorstep.  I went to a friends 40th where I knew (almost) no-one and had a wonderful time meeting new people.  I took a day trip to Tiritiri Matangi - a place I've never been before - and it was just magical.  I went to bed at 9pm and actually slept.  Having time and space to just do things that I wanted to do helped me discover things that I think my family might also like to do.

I acknowledge that my ability to take three days out from my family each year speaks of a level of privilege.  I am able to go away because I have a supportive partner, other family support available and the ability to finance small trips.  But the point of writing this isn't about showing off.  I'm writing because I believe that taking time out is so important, especially for those of us who've taken on the never ending responsibility of parenthood.

And because I believe something like this is possible for most of us.  Maybe not so many days away.  But if it's possible to have just one night away.  If you can trust your partner, or your parents or your friends to mind the kid(s) for just one night.  If you can afford $40 for an Air BNB close to home for one night.  Just imagine the possibilities!  You can sleep, or watch tv uninterrupted, or read a book, or have some 'special' time with yourself.  You don't have to spend a lot to have a little time and a lot of freedom to yourself.  The important thing is - you do you without worrying about anyone else.

Because you deserve it!  Us Mum's, we all deserve it.  If you don't think twice about your partner or your father taking time out to go out with mates, don't think twice about you going out with mates.  Or if you're more inclined, by yourself.  If you put the effort into ensuring your kids have their needs met, make sure you put the effort into having your needs met too.  If going away overnight is too hard that's ok.  Maybe it's just about taking an our or two once a week to go for a walk, or go swimming, or go to a movie.  The main thing is allowing yourself some time or space where you can do something you enjoy with no pressure.  You are entitled to have time doing what you enjoy in a way that works for you.  You are allowed to carve out space where you are not responsible for everything.

Everyone deserves this.  Your family deserves this.



* In a good way

** I breastfed Abby until she was over three.  It was never intentional.  I always wanted to breastfeed until she was two but just assumed she'd self-wean at some point (as Etta had at 17 months).  The first time I went away she was over two and I was so tired of breast-feeding and so touched out it was a well needed break.

*** I could never pump.  My body produced excess lipase which meant my milk went off within a few hours so it just wasn't an option for me.  Plus I was kinda hoping that she would just 'forget' about the 'Mummy milk' while I was gone or my supply would dry up while I was away.  Neither of those things happened.  I fed her until she was three and we could negotiate cutting off the supply in a way that worked for both of us...

**** I use about four different platforms regularly to achieve this - Valued opinions, Opinionworld, NZ Toluna and Perceptive.  If you have spare internet and a little time on your hands it's a great way to get vouchers for retailers you regularly use, or to put money into Paypal.  I truthfully make about $800 a year from surveys (which is also not taxable, as it's also not cash).

Living with Invisible Chronic Illness

It's been about 15 months since my adenomyosis/endometriosis diagnosis.

When I was first diagnosed, it was just a massive relief.  I finally had some light shed on my more recent, severe issues plus decades of other issues.  I didn't really feel sad.  Just grateful to finally have some answers.  I finally felt some kind of validation.

But what these conditions mean for me in real terms are something else.  I still haven't processed this reality.  And it's easy to understand why.

The 'Tired Mum' trope does not serve me       

Firstly, I am not very unwell all of the time.  I am exhausted, but this is something that doesn't always register with myself, or others as relating to my illness.  I'm a Mum.  Lots of Mums are tired.  I'm a working Mum.  Working Mums are tired.  My pain levels are erratic.  In the past they have been so bad I could not go to work because I struggled to stand up for the length of my shift.  At the moment, my pain is manageable with minimal pain relief.  I have dyspareunia which is fairly bad all the time, but isn't something that affects anyone besides myself and my partner.  In the overall scheme of things, it doesn't seem all that bad because I am still able to work and look after the kids.

Secondly, I don't talk about it much.  It's not that I'm embarrassed, it's just that it's awkward.  Those closest to me seem bored, or even annoyed if I talk about it.  And when I talk to those more on the periphery of my life it feels as if they think it's a ploy for sympathy.  Almost everyone* I talk to has a level of 'ways we can fix this' in what they say.  Or a resigned boredness in hearing what I have to say yet again.  And that's hard because these are chronic illnesses.  While there are things I can do to minimise some of my symptoms, there is no cure.  This is my life.

The reason I'm writing now is because I read this article recently and saw, for the first time, this cycle:

And it just resonated.

Since the onset of adenomyosis, this cycle has shaped my life.  And diagnosis of my illness has not changed that.  I'm equally stuck in an exhaustion cycle.  I feel guilty for not spending enough time with my kids, my partner, my friends and family.  When I try to spend more time in these areas, I get more exhausted which makes it trickier to spend any more time and makes me feel like I'm failing as a partner/Mum/friend.  This reinforces the anxiety I face in attempting to spend time with friends.  And this reinforces my sense of isolation.  Equally, I know that if I exercise more, it will help me manage my weight better.  But to have extra money to go swimming (the easiest exercise for me) I need to work more, which makes me more exhausted, and then struggle to have the energy to exercise.  Being stuck in this cycle really sucks!

And the only place I can talk about this stuff is online.  Online it's easier to find people who actually understand.  Equally, I can take my time in trying to articulate how I feel.  Exhaustion and anxiety make real life conversations difficult and frustrating as I often struggle to convey in real time what I mean because my brain is too tired.  I also cry more easily because of the hormone overload, and this makes IRL communication even harder.  Where I used to see friends regularly enough to talk through the big stuff, these days this feels increasingly difficult.  For me, online support groups and friends are truly the best support.**  This is also why I blog.


*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

I have no idea how to exit this cycle.  But I do have some ideas about what would help me, or might help others like me.  You can find some more general ways of supporting someone with chronic illness here.  Here is my wishlist.

While I know many of these symptoms can
be attributed to other things, with 10% of 
all women suffering from this condition,
surely it's worth looking into sooner?

• More recognition of chronic illness by health professionals
  
  It should not take so many years for so many of us to receive a diagnosis (8 years is the average time for endometriosis).  Prior to a diagnosis I felt (and was often called) a hypochondriac, too 'sensitive' and a drama queen.  Basically, I was told there was nothing wrong with me and all the issues I was having were in my head.  This does not make for good mental health!  I know GPs cannot possibly know everything.  But I feel like if they were under less time pressure, they could listen better and would have a better chance to accurately assess symptoms and refer on as necessary.
  
  We should not have to push to expect regular follow up post diagnosis and a more supportive health system.  Even with a diagnosis, I feel like a drug seeker when I try and access any meds stronger than paracetamol.  There are women with my condition who are bedridden.  While I am not bedridden, it does not mean I am not sometimes in a great deal of pain.  If I didn't regularly have my pain minimised by health professionals, and if they actually checked in with me on how I was going with some regularity, it would make a huge difference to my self esteem around my illness.
• More awareness generally
  If there was more general awareness of many chronic health issues it would help make those of us with them feel more accepted by society.  What we live with would be legitimised, so our diagnoses might not affect our self esteem so much.  I feel like I have to be my own cheerleader much of the time, and this is difficult to maintain given my low energy levels.  More awareness would allow more empathy to filter through and hold us up.  It would make some space for easier conversations which would make it easier to seek support.
• Illness specific subsidised counseling
  I tried going back to regular (free) counseling through a local womans centre (free) because non-community counseling is damned expensive!  The place was lovely, but the lack of time flexibility meant that it was difficult for me to go due to childcare and work commitments.  I did not want to have to see someone else, as would have to explain my diagnosis all over again, which is difficult.  If once diagnosed you were referred to counselors that specialised in certain chronic illnesses, this would be so much easier to negotiate.
• Support groups for partners
  It is not easy living with someone with chronic illness.  This is apparent.  It's something that causes constant friction in my relationship, and I believe this would be helped greatly if there was better support available for partners of people with chronic illness.  Whether it takes the form of subsidised counseling, online groups or a meet up - I do not know.  But I know having something would definitely make it easier for them to also feel less alone.
  
  
  This has gone up to $21.15 this year 
• The Living Wage
  
  If I earned a living wage I would feel less guilty about working part time and more able to support both my family and my health needs.  I think this is particularly pertinent for fairly functional people with chronic illness as I suspect (like me) many choose the kinds of work that require less energy or responsibility to better manage other aspects of their lives**.  For me, this would make a difference of around $40 per week.  This doesn't seem like much but would make a huge difference.  It would mean I had enough to spend a little more on health or childcare or to support my general wellness.  And I am speaking from a position of privilege.  I cannot even begin to imagine the difference this would make to someone in my position that was a sole parent, or sole earner.
• A Decent Sickness Benefit
  Equally, if I were unable to work due to my chronic illness I would hope there was a decent financial support available for me.  My mother is in exactly this position, and is still expected to be seeking work even though some days she can barely stand up (due to changes to WINZ by our prior government who eradicated sickness benefits).  While benefits are now being indexed to inflation, as yet no changes are being made to bridge the gap from the many years prior that this did not happen.  Currently, it is very difficult even for those who are well to maintain basic health on the money received from a normal benefit in New Zealand, and even harder if you have an existing illness that requires ongoing medical treatment.
• A bit of kindness and respect
  Just be kind
  
  
  
  My illness does not make me incompetent.  When people ignore my feelings or experience, it does not make me inclined to trust them.  And the more often this happens, the less likely I am to reach out for support generally.  This is a pretty common response.  If you care about someone with chronic illness ask what we need in terms of support.  Respect our boundaries and limitations, and understand that they are in place for a reason.  Just listening and respecting us really does make a world of difference.

*  Besides my Mum.  Having been through similar health stuff she is pretty good at understanding how I feel.  But equally, we need more than just each other as each of us have limited energy resources which is tough.  We both want to help each other so much, but we can only do so much without making ourselves more ill.  And other friends with chronic illness get it too.

** At the moment also I have more peer support at work in terms of my illness than I think I would have anywhere else.  It's one of the pros of being in an almost entirely female workplace.  The downside of this is the gender pay gap associated...