Coping With Change

I swear I'm going to be an awful complaining old person.
I'm already like a grumpy old lady and I'm not even 40 years old!
I hate change.

And while I know that change is necessary for progress, and something I facilitate within my own life, some change just sucks.

My local supermarket closed on Saturday.

It seems petty, but it really is a big deal.  I mean, our kids cried, and we had to make a special trip to go and say goodbye.

My kids dig Stickman

It's not just because it's Pak 'n' Save and it's affordable and less than ten minutes from home and the kids love Stickman.  It's not just because I know the layout and write my shopping lists via an imaginary walk-through down its aisles.  It's because we know the people who work there.  Many of those wonderful people have been a regular part of my life since we moved out West more than seven years ago.  They have seen me through pregnancy and crying babies.  They have seen me in tougher times, armed with a calculator and in better times with treats in the trolley.  They have showered our children with free teeny chip packages from unexpectedly opened multi-packs.  The staff at Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save have been a big part of my life for the last seven years.

And now they won't be any more.

And what makes the whole thing worse is that how the owners went about this was not the best.  Sure, as a customer the store had some great deals prior to closing.  But the staff there were not offered a fair redundancy*.  And few have jobs to move on to.  And they have had to endure the whole will they-wont they back and forth over when the store would close.  I've been in that position myself and I can tell you it's really not fun.  Those people who have made us feel so welcome in our local community, many of them are now jobless after, for some, decades of good service.  I am mourning for those wonderful people.

And I am dreading having to do the grocery shopping this week.

Countdown cannot tempt me with
their parental guilt traps...      

My next closest supermarket is the Westcity Countdown.  But our food budget doesn't stretch to Countdown prices without making some serious sacrifices.  Our next best option is Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln road.  But it's on Lincoln Road.  And it's huge.  And huge shops freak me out.  I will have to learn a new supermarket layout.  I will have to change my usual tightly timed Thursday shopping schedule to accommodate an extra 20 minutes for travel time.  And no-one there will know me.  No-one there has watched my children grow up.  No-one knows my name.  That might change in time, but currently, I'm resistant to it.  It's not my supermarket.  I don't know how it can be.  I am currently bereft of a supermarket.

And I haven't just lost my supermarket.

My chemist is also closing this week.  This is completely understandable.  The Chemist Warehouse has opened up across the road, and if it's affecting aspects of my workplace's trade (which it is) it will certainly be affecting theirs.  While this isn't as big of a shock - while my chemist is not such a big part of my life, it's still sad.  And again, many of the staff do not have jobs to move on to.  Many of the staff have worked there for a long time.  This closure will impact on their lives in a big way.

There are plenty of other chemists nearby, but, sadly the cheapest and closest option for us is the very reason my chemist has closed.  I've only been to The Chemist Warehouse once and it is really not my cup of tea.  Like the Lincoln Road Pak 'n' Save it is huge and overwhelming.  But like my chemist, there is no charge for prescriptions.  And when you, or others in your household are on more than one regular medication, avoiding this cost really makes a big difference.

Where have all the postboxes gone?

And our postboxes over time have gradually disappeared.  I filled out my voting form for the local body election ages ago, but am yet to post it as I am unsure as to where I can post them any more.  And I don't trust the post box maps online because the last time I tried using one, it was out of date.  I have to drop the forms off to my local library today because it's now past the time that I can post my forms.  I don't post things often, but when our electoral system, hospital system and social service systems (WINZ) are still dependent on snail mail, it's quite important we can still easily access post**.  I mean, if they have real concerns about voter turnouts maybe this is a simple thing they could consider.  If it affects me, a relatively 'young' person, what impact will this have on older folk, or people in poverty, or folk with health or mobility issues?

Some changes are made without consideration of their wider impact.

I know that my reaction to these changes is probably bigger than it maybe should be.  But when you're overwhelmed by big changes, every little change becomes harder to process.  The last two years have seen huge changes for me.  Issues within my broader family have meant major changes to our family life. Where we used to have a huge extended family Christmas dinner, last year for the first time ever, it was just our wee family of four.  We have had to make big changes in order to keep our family safe.  And while those changes have been by no means ideal, they have been necessary.

Sometimes we have to make drastic changes to work toward changing this culture

And while all change is hard, the reality is that it is necessary for growth.  As a nation, our family violence rates are appalling.  And when in our own lives, we actively, or inactively allow abusive relationships to foster and grow, we are contributing to this.  I know this is something that we can change.  I know exactly why this change seldom happens because I live with the consequences of my choices around this every day.  It's not easy.  I am labelled a 'shit stirrer'.  I am told I don't understand the value of 'family.'  By calling out abusive behaviours I have become a target for further abuse.  This isn't exactly fun.  Actually, it's quite lonely.  But I want to build a better world for our children, and in order to do that I cannot allow abusive behaviours to manifest in either mine, or their lives.  I refuse to normalise abuse because 'Aunty Betty is just old fashioned.'  It's just not ok.  I don't want my kids to ever think that's ok.

I think one of our biggest problems is we are not taught to recognise abuse
Here are some of the warning signs.

I know that for those staff from Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save and Westcity Life Pharmacy this change is hard.  But I hope that this is one of those changes that is for the better.  I hope they get to move on to places that actually pay them what they're worth (Pak 'n' Save and Countdown union members are both fighting for Living Wage).  I hope they move on to places that appreciate and understand the experience they have gained in the work they've been doing and recognise how good they are at dealing with people.  I really hope that the Auckland Zoo Gift shop re-looks at their applications and realised they missed a gem in not even giving Kat Stellar an interview.  I can think of no other person who would be more enthusiastic, better with children or experienced, to do that job amazingly well.

Change is hard, but I always hope that with it comes positive growth.

I went to Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln Road for a recce yesterday.  It was awful.  The kids hated it.  There were too many people and too many things to shop.  But I found some reasonably priced chorizo, something not at my old Pak 'n' Save.  And I don't eat that stuff, but Murray does.  So I built him a pizza with it because I was going out for a work dinner and felt a little guilty.  And he said that pizza was so delicious he ate the whole thing and had none left for lunch the next day.

It's a small win, but it's a start.

*  There is no point going into details, but I do know some of the details and it is extremely unethical, particularly toward the staff that have been there for longer than the current franchise owner.

** It now costs $1.30 to send basic post within NZ now.  That really isn't accessible.  Particularly for the elderly, many of whom still rely on post and many of whom are reliant on a pension to survive.

On getting older

I turned 30 just over a week ago. I had a lovely quiet day at work, followed by a quiet night at home with my wonderful husband having had TWO parties preceding that: one with my friends and one with my family. I’m an incredibly lucky girl. 30’s no big deal. It’s just another year, just a different number. People still think I’m twenty half of the time, which I’m sure helps me not feel like I’m any older I still get ID’ed when going to bars I haven’t been to before. I’m so thankful to whoever I got these youthful genetics from. They’re bloody awesome!

Despite 30 just being a number (which it is) and me still appearing youthful (which I do), there are little things that remind me that I’m getting older. I’ve noticed that the older you get, the more time seems to speed up. It’s probably something to do with developing routines (which is useful), so the weeks just fly by. I'm sure yesterday was Friday, but now it's Wednesday. It's somewhat disconcerting. I was just planning my Civil Union. I just got home from my honeymoon. But actually, it’s now not even four months off Christmas. Before I know it it’ll be our first ‘Union’ anniversary. Before I know it I’ll be 40.

The funny thing about time is that it never does what you want. When you’re a kid you are just waiting to get older, and it seems to take forever. Now I just wish time could slow down. There aren’t enough hours in the day to get things done. Even worse, especially when you’re a woman, you’re kind of on a clock.

If you’ve ever conceived of procreating, you’ve generally set some goals around it. When I was in my early 20’s, the cut off date for babies was 25. Because I was never the cluckiest girl in the world, I wasn’t upset when I turned 25 and had no babies. I was so certain about not getting sprogged up that a few years ago I became an egg donor. Just because I didn’t want any, didn’t mean I didn’t want anyone else to have any. If you want to be an egg donor and don’t already have kids, they’ll only let you do it if you’re never planning on having any. I wasn’t. Now I’m 30 and have a wonderful husband and some financial stability, I’ve been reconsidering the baby cut off date. I think Murray and I would be great parents. I also think we need to own a home first. So now the baby cut off date is getting pushed back. It’s hard, I don’t want to be an older parent, but if I’m going to be a parent at all, that’s the only option I have.

I know that more and more people are having their first kids in their 30’s (although according to recent stats, that’s actually changing). But there are other things in the back of my mind. When my mum was about my age, she had a hysterectomy. I had an ectopic pregnancy when I was 20, and although I’ve had scans and everything’s fine in my tubular zone (you get a million scans when you decide to be an egg donor), it’s always in the back of my head. I also have a retroverted uterus. Won't affect anything, completely useless information really, but retroverted is a cool word.

The other thing in the back of my head is the voice of friends and collegues saying ‘Don’t do it when you’re 37! It’s bloody hard.’ And ‘It was so much easier when I was in my 20’s’. And then the other thing in the back of my head is that older parents are kind of lame. I had young parents, and they weren’t perfect by any means, but they were cool. They listened to Pink Floyd, and Led Zepplin, whereas my friends' older parents listened to Elvis, Cliff Richard, classic hits and opera. My parents played backyard cricket with us. I don’t know how easy it is to do that when you’ve had kids in your late 30’s and have RSI and back problems. I don’t want to be a decrepit parent and I don’t want to be out of touch with my kids.

And I can see that happening, because I’m already out of touch with kids these days. Even though we’re the generation raised on computers, technology moves so fast, and I care so little about it, that I have no idea what’s going on half the time. What’s worse is that I don’t care. I don’t care about ‘apps’. I don’t even have a phone that can take pictures, or has internet, or even pixt capability. I only learnt to use email at 18 because I had to use it for work. The only driver behind my having any technological skills at all has been requiring them for my jobs. I’m really a total luddite. I still find it odd that I can type fast, run a website (through a system mind you) and know how to program basic HTML. I don’t even really understand how computers work at all, except they’re apparently a bit like a complex abacus that somehow files information.

And even the kids that don’t like computers like other things I don’t understand. I don’t understand spending large amounts of money on toys when kids are quite capable of amusing themselves. I grew up on a farm, with no money but lots of imagination, and can already hear myself doing the whole ‘When I was your age… (insert seemingly ridiculous comment here)’ thing. Who wants a parent like that? And I don’t understand things like Hannah Montana, or Justin Beiber or LMFAO, or modern ‘dance’ music. What’s up with all that stuff? Does that mean I won’t be a ‘cool’ parent like my parents were?

Murray took me to see Dylan Moran for my 30^th birthday present. It was wonderful. The only problem was the drunk 50+ year olds sitting next to Murray who rudely talked through the entire first half, then, on returning from half time spilt half a drink down the back of a chair (and person) in front of us. It was truly appalling. What was equally appalling was me bitching about it like a grumpy old person. Moments like that are moments when you realise you are getting old. Probably because you aren't the drunk annoying person.

I do actually quite enjoy the whole process of getting older. I like ranting about stuff almost no-one cares about. I like remembering the 90’s. I like bitching about politics. I like being a technophobe. I like knowing my cholesterol isn't too high. And Dylan Moran's an older parent. And he's cool. I know for at least a little while, I was pretty cool too –I was once in ‘a band’ and I did an art degree – you can’t argue with that evidence of cool. Dylan Moran's kids probably don't think he's cool. They probably think he's a grumpy old man. If we have kids, they probably won’t think I’m cool either, but I’ll know I was cool, and, hopefully, my friends will still think I'm cool and I guess that's what matters. In all honesty I’ll probably always think I’m cool. That’s probably even lamer than trying to be cool.

I better stop writing now. It's almost 10pm and I need to read my book and go to sleep.