Coping With Change

I swear I'm going to be an awful complaining old person.
I'm already like a grumpy old lady and I'm not even 40 years old!
I hate change.

And while I know that change is necessary for progress, and something I facilitate within my own life, some change just sucks.

My local supermarket closed on Saturday.

It seems petty, but it really is a big deal.  I mean, our kids cried, and we had to make a special trip to go and say goodbye.

My kids dig Stickman

It's not just because it's Pak 'n' Save and it's affordable and less than ten minutes from home and the kids love Stickman.  It's not just because I know the layout and write my shopping lists via an imaginary walk-through down its aisles.  It's because we know the people who work there.  Many of those wonderful people have been a regular part of my life since we moved out West more than seven years ago.  They have seen me through pregnancy and crying babies.  They have seen me in tougher times, armed with a calculator and in better times with treats in the trolley.  They have showered our children with free teeny chip packages from unexpectedly opened multi-packs.  The staff at Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save have been a big part of my life for the last seven years.

And now they won't be any more.

And what makes the whole thing worse is that how the owners went about this was not the best.  Sure, as a customer the store had some great deals prior to closing.  But the staff there were not offered a fair redundancy*.  And few have jobs to move on to.  And they have had to endure the whole will they-wont they back and forth over when the store would close.  I've been in that position myself and I can tell you it's really not fun.  Those people who have made us feel so welcome in our local community, many of them are now jobless after, for some, decades of good service.  I am mourning for those wonderful people.

And I am dreading having to do the grocery shopping this week.

Countdown cannot tempt me with
their parental guilt traps...      

My next closest supermarket is the Westcity Countdown.  But our food budget doesn't stretch to Countdown prices without making some serious sacrifices.  Our next best option is Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln road.  But it's on Lincoln Road.  And it's huge.  And huge shops freak me out.  I will have to learn a new supermarket layout.  I will have to change my usual tightly timed Thursday shopping schedule to accommodate an extra 20 minutes for travel time.  And no-one there will know me.  No-one there has watched my children grow up.  No-one knows my name.  That might change in time, but currently, I'm resistant to it.  It's not my supermarket.  I don't know how it can be.  I am currently bereft of a supermarket.

And I haven't just lost my supermarket.

My chemist is also closing this week.  This is completely understandable.  The Chemist Warehouse has opened up across the road, and if it's affecting aspects of my workplace's trade (which it is) it will certainly be affecting theirs.  While this isn't as big of a shock - while my chemist is not such a big part of my life, it's still sad.  And again, many of the staff do not have jobs to move on to.  Many of the staff have worked there for a long time.  This closure will impact on their lives in a big way.

There are plenty of other chemists nearby, but, sadly the cheapest and closest option for us is the very reason my chemist has closed.  I've only been to The Chemist Warehouse once and it is really not my cup of tea.  Like the Lincoln Road Pak 'n' Save it is huge and overwhelming.  But like my chemist, there is no charge for prescriptions.  And when you, or others in your household are on more than one regular medication, avoiding this cost really makes a big difference.

Where have all the postboxes gone?

And our postboxes over time have gradually disappeared.  I filled out my voting form for the local body election ages ago, but am yet to post it as I am unsure as to where I can post them any more.  And I don't trust the post box maps online because the last time I tried using one, it was out of date.  I have to drop the forms off to my local library today because it's now past the time that I can post my forms.  I don't post things often, but when our electoral system, hospital system and social service systems (WINZ) are still dependent on snail mail, it's quite important we can still easily access post**.  I mean, if they have real concerns about voter turnouts maybe this is a simple thing they could consider.  If it affects me, a relatively 'young' person, what impact will this have on older folk, or people in poverty, or folk with health or mobility issues?

Some changes are made without consideration of their wider impact.

I know that my reaction to these changes is probably bigger than it maybe should be.  But when you're overwhelmed by big changes, every little change becomes harder to process.  The last two years have seen huge changes for me.  Issues within my broader family have meant major changes to our family life. Where we used to have a huge extended family Christmas dinner, last year for the first time ever, it was just our wee family of four.  We have had to make big changes in order to keep our family safe.  And while those changes have been by no means ideal, they have been necessary.

Sometimes we have to make drastic changes to work toward changing this culture

And while all change is hard, the reality is that it is necessary for growth.  As a nation, our family violence rates are appalling.  And when in our own lives, we actively, or inactively allow abusive relationships to foster and grow, we are contributing to this.  I know this is something that we can change.  I know exactly why this change seldom happens because I live with the consequences of my choices around this every day.  It's not easy.  I am labelled a 'shit stirrer'.  I am told I don't understand the value of 'family.'  By calling out abusive behaviours I have become a target for further abuse.  This isn't exactly fun.  Actually, it's quite lonely.  But I want to build a better world for our children, and in order to do that I cannot allow abusive behaviours to manifest in either mine, or their lives.  I refuse to normalise abuse because 'Aunty Betty is just old fashioned.'  It's just not ok.  I don't want my kids to ever think that's ok.

I think one of our biggest problems is we are not taught to recognise abuse
Here are some of the warning signs.

I know that for those staff from Alderman Drive Pak 'n' Save and Westcity Life Pharmacy this change is hard.  But I hope that this is one of those changes that is for the better.  I hope they get to move on to places that actually pay them what they're worth (Pak 'n' Save and Countdown union members are both fighting for Living Wage).  I hope they move on to places that appreciate and understand the experience they have gained in the work they've been doing and recognise how good they are at dealing with people.  I really hope that the Auckland Zoo Gift shop re-looks at their applications and realised they missed a gem in not even giving Kat Stellar an interview.  I can think of no other person who would be more enthusiastic, better with children or experienced, to do that job amazingly well.

Change is hard, but I always hope that with it comes positive growth.

I went to Pak 'n' Save on Lincoln Road for a recce yesterday.  It was awful.  The kids hated it.  There were too many people and too many things to shop.  But I found some reasonably priced chorizo, something not at my old Pak 'n' Save.  And I don't eat that stuff, but Murray does.  So I built him a pizza with it because I was going out for a work dinner and felt a little guilty.  And he said that pizza was so delicious he ate the whole thing and had none left for lunch the next day.

It's a small win, but it's a start.

*  There is no point going into details, but I do know some of the details and it is extremely unethical, particularly toward the staff that have been there for longer than the current franchise owner.

** It now costs $1.30 to send basic post within NZ now.  That really isn't accessible.  Particularly for the elderly, many of whom still rely on post and many of whom are reliant on a pension to survive.

On a break from my diet plus my top ten tips for weight loss.

With Winter fast approaching, and picking up a little extra work for the next three months, I’ve decided to take a break from my diet.  Given what I have learned from eating carefully over the last little while, I have still managed to lose weight despite reintroducing more naughtiness, just by being sensible.

AND I’m happy to say that when I weighed myself this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see 58.5 kilos on the screen.  I’ve spent the last more than a month trying to crack through the 59 barrier, so it felt great.  Plus, I fit my jeans, which is awesome because it’s starting to get bloody cold!  I’m still aiming for 56, but I am feeling much better about myself and my diet so I’m happy to get to that number gradually.

So today I thought I’d share with you the ten most important things, common sense I’ve learnt over this time:   

1.       Make your diet a lifestyle

A diet seems so restrictive!  If you just think of it as making a few small changes to your lifestyle, you’ll have less resentment over it.  Make it into something fun and enjoyable.  I really enjoyed working out the caloric content of my normal home cookery and making slight adjustments.  Learning new ways of cooking, and new recipes was a lot of fun.   Food math was something I enjoyed.  Make a plan for yourself that is fun for you.

2.       Don’t do it on your own

Talk about what you are doing with friends and family.  It is hard to say no to food and drink offers when out at functions.  The more open you are, the more people will understand what you are doing, and can help rather than hinder your plans.  Being open via this blog helped me be accountable for my actions regarding food, health and general self-care.  It made what I would have perceived as failures, just a part of a journey.  With friends on your side, it’s harder to beat yourself up, and easier to get on with trying to make positive changes in your life. 

3.       Portion control

It is so easy to just eat and eat if you cook big meals at home.  Being aware of how many kilojoules are in different serving sizes of different foods made me realise how significantly portion size affected my weight.   I have a tendency to want to eat LOTS of the high calorie carb based foods and less of the plain veges.  So I’ve switched my old portions around so I have less of the high cal carb food and more salad for dinner.  It still makes me full, and not deprived of pasta or potatoes, and helps me to get more vegetables in my diet.

4.       Eating regular, balanced meals

It’s said you can make or break a habit in 5 weeks.  If you don’t eat breakfast, start working on making this a habit today.  I now eat about 6 meals a day: breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and then usually an ‘afters’ treat.  Breakfast gives you the energy to sustain you through the day.  Eating small, regular meals helps balance your metabolism and makes you less likely to snack on high calorie, high GI foods.

5.       Eating 5 plus a day

I actually found this quite a difficult thing to do - and I’m mostly vegetarian!  Thinking about one portion as fitting into the palm of my hand made me realise that you often exaggerate the amount of vegetables you are actually eating – or what counts as a vegetable!  Once I started focusing on this I found I lost weight more quickly.  Plus you get a whole lot more nutrients into your diet.  I try to have at least three different coloured fruit and vegetables a day.  Variety is fun, and so much better for you.

6.       Being organised

I work more than 40 hours a week and spend at least four hours a week commuting to and from work.  To help ensure I didn’t eat ‘naughty’ food at work (I work in the gluten free treat shop, so that’s easy to do) I started keeping fruit, yoghurt and corn thins at work for snacks.  I also started cooking large meals regularly to pack down into left-over lunches.  This was great, because I knew exactly what was in my food.  Much better both health and cost wise than buying lunch.

7.       Being active

When I say this, I don’t mean becoming a gym bunny.  I couldn’t afford the time or money to join a gym, but just being aware of pressing play as much as I could within my normal routine was really helpful.  Take the stairs.  Walk to work.  Play at the park with your kids.  Get in the garden.  Have an epic house clean.  These are all useful things that can also burn calories.

8.       Knowing what’s in your drinks

I love my wine!  Finding out the size of a standard glass of wine (125 ml) was a revelation – my normal glass of wine was much bigger than that.  I didn’t quit the wine, but cut my consumption down and felt so much better for it.  Fruit juice, sports drinks and fizzy drinks are full of sugar and calories.  I just have water and have Coke Zero if I feel like a treat.  I still have my morning cuppa (after my hot water and lemon to kick-start my digestion), but have herbal tea at night.  Licorice tea is a great way to have a sweet hot drink treat without any extra calories.

9.      Don’t ban foods

Banning things just makes you want them more.  Then when you’re feeling like being ‘bad’ you’ll have them.  I haven’t banned anything, but there are foods that I just don't want to have after finding out what was in them.  I still eat cheese, sugar, pasta, butter and chocolate.  Just in measured moderation.

10.   Have treats in moderation

I think it’s important to have treats.  I have a list of low cal treats I can have to feel ‘normal’ when other people were having nice treat foods.  Make sure your treats are real treats, and treats you actually like.  Every day foods are not treats.  Jellybeans and chocolate and ice-cream and chippies or whatever else floats your boat are treats.  I love bananas, but they are an every-day food for me.  When I was on my diet properly, I had one ‘free’ meal a week, so I could eat whatever bad thing I wanted once a week.  Don’t deny yourself.  It’ll just make you miserable.    

On growing up poor in New Zealand

There has been a lot about kids in poverty in the news recently.  More than 20% of our kids live under the poverty line in New Zealand today.  That’s heaps.  It is frustrating for me to see those in power seeming to do very little to change this.  Instead, they have put in place tax policy that further disadvantages those in lower socio economic brackets (changes to GST), and made a scapegoat of beneficiaries during a recession.  This only serves to make things worse.  I spent much of my childhood under the poverty line, so I know first-hand the detriment this causes not just the kids, but entire families, when they feel powerless to change this.

In saying this, I seldom felt poor as a child.  We had people who loved us.  We spent most of our childhood in an idyllic landscape close to beaches and full of animals and exciting places to play.  We couldn't afford most school trips, but I loved going to school.  And although we were always poor, there were only short periods of what would be considered extreme deprivation.  

For the most part, my dad was a farm worker, and my mum was a mum who did as much other work as she could.  She was the cleaner at Waioneke Primary (South Head), and at local peoples houses.  The patches where we were actually hungry were the patches between farms.  As farm workers, our board was often free, and we also received a bit of food for free too.  These two basic things helped massively with our general survival, and my dad was a very practical hunting, fishing man living off the land man.  The thing that made things difficult was living in such an isolated place, far from our extended family, and pretty much everything else.

Living in such an isolated area often meant being trapped.  If you have no money for gas, you can’t leave.  Siphoning petrol from lawnmowers, farm machinery and motorbikes was a common occurrence when we had money.  This enabled us to get out and get groceries, or more petrol to get my parents to work.  When we had no money there was no petrol in the lawnmower, little food and no escape.

When you are actually in poverty, applying logic to the situation you are in is not simple.  You are starving.  If you are a parent, you are likely feeling like a terrible parent - extremely worthless.  If you feel worthless, you will likely be depressed.  If you feel depressed and trapped, you will likely lash out at others.  If you are depressed and alienated, you are more likely to suffer from addiction.  If you suffer from addiction, you are more likely to make poor financial decisions.  If you feel worthless, and a failure as a parent, why does it matter?  And if you live in isolation from friends and family, it is difficult to get help.

Living in poverty is living in constant fear.  Fear that you will lose the little you have.  Fear that you are failing your children.  Fear that your children will be taken from you.  Fear of illness, and more bills.  Fear that your friends and family pity you, or are ashamed of you.  Fear that the situation will never change and this is how you will live your entire life.

Even if you are a child of poverty who’s parents escaped, or has escaped yourself, having lived like this follows you for your whole life.  I still find it difficult living in middle class suburbia.  The reality for people here is so different than the reality that made up my formative years.  I have friends who had parents were frugal and worked hard to have what they have now, so have some understanding, but it isn't the same.  

I don’t think I could bring my kids up with Santa, because the notion of Santa was so harmful for me.  I thought I got less than my cousins in my Santa sack because I’d been bad.   I still have difficulty eating oranges at any time but Christmas because it was a special food.  My fortnightly food budget is only $30 more than my friend’s fortnightly beauty budget.  I didn't own a computer until I was 25 (and that one was given to me), I'm only passionate about Commodore 64 cos we had one at school.  I feel guilty going on overseas holidays because I still have family living in poverty.  Unlike most of my generation, I do not have that sense of entitlement.  I fit better with my grandmothers generation, who lived through the depression.  I work my butt off for $16 an hour because it’s enough to pay my bills and I am grateful.

I do not think my parents failed me.  Although I know there were issues with addiction, it was never something we saw.  My parents never bought ciggies over food for us.  My parents cared about my brother and I, we were not neglected.  We were poor and life was hard, but we still had fun.  We mattered.  I'm sure my parents could have made different choices, but my parents both left school before sitting School C, so those choices were limited.  And it is different when you are in a pit trying to get out, than when you are at the top shouting down.

It took us a long time to get out of poverty - it didn't happen until I was a teenager.  The steps we had to take were drastic.  My parents had to separate, then divorce.  My mother had to move into a small two bedroom flat in Helensville.  She had to work full time for her brother in laws business in Henderson, and raise one and a half kids (Dad had joint custody of my brother).  And that was just the start.  Things were still financially tight, but we were closer to help, and closer to our family, which made a big difference.  It was so hard for mum to leave, that I had to leave first.  It is sometimes very hard to ask for help.

The only reason we could do this is because we have a loving, supportive extended family.  Without this, we would have stayed trapped.  And in all honesty, I don’t think all of us would have survived.  Poverty, depression and addiction can all lead to violence.  We lived through that too.

In order to change child poverty in New Zealand, the people in power need to understand what it’s truly like to exist in poverty.  Instead of throwing stones at beneficiaries and low income families, they need to offer an olive branch.  I am not referring to more money.  I am saying that these people feel on the outskirts of society already, we need to make them feel part of society.  Not everyone has the family support that we had, or have family living outside of poverty.  Not everyone will have the trigger that we had to change our circumstances.  Changing child poverty in New Zealand is not something that can happen overnight.

When all someone knows is how to live in poverty, how can we expect them to understand how to live any other way?  We learn our life skills from our parents, and they learn from their parents, so when people talk about generations of DPB mums, how can we be surprised that they exist?  Change is not about giving people more or less money, it is about giving people the necessary skills to understand how to live differently.  It is about acknowledging and accepting all the things that come with poverty: depression, hunger, addiction, alienation.  And it is about creating jobs and industry in those areas where there are none.

And in the meantime we should be looking after these children.  These children make up one fifth of our future generation.  We should care about them.  There are a few basic things we can give them to give them a chance to create a different future for themselves and their children: food, health care, education, life skills and a caring community that they want to be a part of.  Take the parents out of the picture, and focus on the future.

And start at home.  If you have friends and whanau that are doing it tough, ask if there is anything you can do to help.  It mightn't be money.  It might mean sharing food and other resources.  It might mean offering childcare once a week.  It might mean sitting down and looking at their budget.  It might just mean having a cup of tea and a chat.  You'll never know unless you ask. 

Charity should always be a stop gap.  When people become reliant on charity, it takes away their ability to do things for themselves.  But at the moment, the situation here is dire.  We have the 40 Hour Famine coming up where children the country over will not eat for 40 hours to support children in Mali and Niger.  We have children who are on in famine here.  Check out the charities below if you want to support Kiwi kids and the future of our country.

http://www.kidscan.org.nz/

http://www.cpag.org.nz/

http://www.salvationarmy.org.nz/giving-back/