It is difficult to understand why anyone would do this on purpose. This sort of age gap is only for the insane, the martyr or those with miraculously perfect children.
I am none of the above. I would never choose this for myself or anyone else.
If Abby were a baby like Etta was it would be hard but ok. But Abby is not. Abby is a baby that cries most of the time. Abby will only sleep for a period longer than 20 to 30 minutes if she is on someones person. Abby is a baby that needs to be held on a certain angle. Who will cry whilst held for up to three hours with only short breaks for breathing between bouts even though she has a clean nappy, a fully tummy and a loving family. Who will scream while I am trying to get her to latch onto my boob and will forget how to latch because she is so upset.
Etta caught in a tiny moment of loving her sister
And there is nothing medically wrong with her. I took her to the Drs. I checked. I was guiltily sad to hear that nothing was wrong - that there was no medical explanation for this behavior. Apparently, this is just how some babies are. It's hard to believe this and not convince yourself the problem is just cos you're a crap mother. That having babies truly is like playing lotto. That it's not all your fault you can't get your baby to simply not cry.*
And if you attempt to leave the house to escape the insanity that is your house because your baby cries all the time you are guaranteed to have at least one (usually several) people tell you that you need to feed your baby. Because your baby is crying. Because your baby cries almost all the time. And if you have your baby in a pram, because you need your hands to, I don't know - pay for things, or maybe just feel like your own for a bit then if your baby is mine it will cry. Because it's not being held by someone. And then you kinda almost wish you'd never left the house because you feel the hot prick of tears at your eyes and you don't want to cry in public. But you kinda do just to see if anyone asks if maybe you are hungry because you are crying. Or says something nice. But you don't cry because you know the truth is that just more people will stare at you because you look mad. Like a mad, bad mother.
And I know this will not last forever and that things can change. But I also know this works both ways. Since my darling big girl turned two it's like some sort of naughty switch went on. She no longer listens. Not to me, or anyone else. She suddenly talks in gibberish a lot of the time. Her tantrums are increasingly aimed toward me and Abby. She has slapped, kicked and bit me on purpose and regularly tries to sneaky-kick her sister. I totally understand that she is upset as her entire life has been turned upside down by this small, crying thing. And this is not helped by the normal developmental changes she is going through at this age. What I don't understand is how families survive this stage.
And I don't understand how people sleep train their subsequent children. It was hard enough with just one baby let alone with a toddler in tow. I don't even know where to start. I am grateful that Etta at least understands that when Abby is crying she needs her Mummy and is ok with me rushing her bedtime routines on the occasions where I'm going it alone and therefore have to put the baby down. But I can't see how people manage to put sleep routines in place for their newborns who don't want to sleep. How in the fuck do you find 20 minutes to peacefully pat your baby to sleep in their crib? I mean, without a toddler screaming at you and shaking said crib and dragging blankets off your baby.** I can't even give Abby a feed most of the time without having to interrupt it to stop her sister from imploding the universe ie: pulling all of Murray's Eurogames out of the boxes and scattering them to the ether.
And when I do get the will-not-sleep-not-on-people baby to sleep in her bed (a rare but treasured event) I have to guard the room like mad because Etta will just bang on the door and scream. Because even though Abby sleeping equals me having more one on one time for Etta, Etta doesn't understand that. And she hates closed doors. And toddlers are irrational, crazy, giant headed tiny people.
Seriously. Most days I feel a lot like I'm at the beginning of the 12 Step program. Every day I count the hours (sometimes minutes) until help, or my partner will be home so I'm not alone in this insanity that is my current state of Mummydom. You can probably hear me muttering God grant me the serenity... under my breath at any given time of the day (or night) and I'm not remotely religious. I simultaneously must suppress urges to get absolutely rollicking drunk just to escape things for a few hours, instead replacing 'hammered' with 'clean' and taking those few moments where I'm not holding a baby or placating a toddler to shower or (on rare occasions) bathe.
And I have help. I have help almost every day. Not all day, but for at least an hour or two. And I have one whole day a week from 9 - 5 without Etta. And I have one or two days a week where Mum is here from pretty much 9 - 5 (and sometimes longer). And I have a partner who, whilst out 11 1/2 hours for work on weekdays (because that's just life in Auckland) is a super hands on Daddy on the weekends. And it's still this hard. During the week Murray and I only have usually 15 minutes to an hour of being together and awake and not being screamed at.*** So most of the important conversations you normally have, and regular life events get missed because there just isn't time. At the moment it's purely about survival for both of us. And while we each try and support the other, for sanity's sake we also each have to put our own needs first. After that of the screaming child (cos if their needs are met they might stop screaming for five minutes so we can pee or eat).
How do single parents do this? How do people with families in other countries (or other parts of the country) do this? These parents need medals (or maybe something more useful, like sleep) cos seriously - how the fuck do they survive it alone? How do toddlers not get scurvy from surviving on toast and cereal? How do subsequent children survive without being accidentally killed by their elder sibling?****
These things are the true miracles of parenting two under two (or a six week old and a two year old).
(image stolen from a friends Facebook page - completely accurate depiction)
* And she doesn't have reflux or silent reflux - I don't think so anyway. She's gaining weight and not spilly although gets sore lower tummy stuff. I've taken dairy out of my diet and it's helped with this immensely, but not with the having to be held all the time thing. Next step is checking out osteopathy (once I've magically had a chance to talk to Murray about it, but who knows when that will happen).
** Or destroying the rest of the house if you shut them out of the room. Or attempting to break down the door. Both of which Etta has done when I have attempted this. Mostly just while I'm attempting to feed Abby.
*** We spend most of it watching MKR and taking turns eating as too shell shocked to do much else.
**** And how do women manage to buy well fitting bras? I mean, whilst juggling a crying newborn and a toddler who needs a leash and having to get specialty maternity bras cos Farmers doesn't seem to go much beyond an E cup and my F cup doth runneth over. How do they manage to leave the house in clothes that fit well and don't make them look like a homeless person? How do they manage to bend over to put shoes on whilst holding a baby? So many questions!!!
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