A quick follow up from the last blog

Getting sent flowers RULES!  Definitely a nice way to brighten someones day

Given the response I had to my last post I thought I'd better clarify:

I am ok.

I hadn't realised how the last post may read to friends and whanau.  Then a few days ago Murray told me it was like a wake up call for him.  He'd known things were hard, but didn't know they were that hard.  Although everything in that post is very true it wasn't meant in any way as a cry for help.  I am extremely lucky and have a lot of support.*  Thank you all so much for being so supportive and helpful for our family during this time.  It really is appreciated.  My main reason for being so frank in that post was to illustrate to (or remind) folk how hard it is in those early weeks - especially when there is a toddler in tow.  And that if you are one of those people who are struggling to cope it's ok to struggle.  In fact, I think it's quite normal.

I want to applaud those I know who are doing it without the level of support I have.  I want to give a shout out to those who do it without partners or without extended families or both - they are my heroes.  I don't know how you do this when you can't just pass the baby over to someone else for a bit.  I manage because I know that when Murray gets home from work, I'll get a break.  For many other people there is never a break.

And now I am writing this I want to acknowledge that things are hard for parents from all walks of life.  Regardless of how much or how little we earn, sleep deprivation, loss of a sense of self and parental guilt can affect us all.  The arrival of baby number two has made me really appreciate how hard it is being a parent.  Particularly for those parents of bigger families, of unwell children or whom are unwell themselves.  I never truly realised until now the effort they put in.  And I want to publicly apologise for any judgement anyone has ever felt I've ever passed, consciously or not, on these parents.  If I did it was because I was ignorant and I am sorry.

Because parents need the support of other parents and their communities.  They are growing the next generation and that's an extremely important job.  If you are a parent yourself you'll know this, and support rather than judgement is what is needed to keep us all afloat in hard times.  It is so important.  And it really is a simple thing.

These days most of us don't exist in those little neighbourly microcosms where people are always on hand with advice and an extra pair of hands.  While the old fashioned, practical things are a great help (meals, help around the house, someone to hold the baby while you sleep) equally it's the little things that help.  Kind messages, smiles, hugs and flowers (thank you Miriam!) make a big difference.  Basically, any validation that you are doing ok really helps.  Yesterday I bought bras, and the lady fitting me told me I looked good for having a seven week old.  That made me feel great.  Much nicer than the well meaning lady at the Drs the other day who told me 'You are doing well, it's obviously taken it's toll'.  Just phrasing things well and acknowledging that despite appearances you are doing a good job really helps.

Because for me the times that are hardest are the times that people can't easily help with.  It's those days where randomly Abby just screams for hours on end and won't sleep.  That gap between 5pm and 6.30pm when I'm waiting for Murray to come home, and organising dinner, and Abby is cranky because it's just crankytime.  The nights where traffic is bad and I have to do bedtime alone.  The times that are unpredictable, and therefore almost impossible to get help with.  Nice thoughts from better times help get me through these trying ones.

And I am ok.

I am ok because (like pregnancy) this hard stuff doesn't last forever.  It may feel like it when you're in it, but it doesn't.  After a feeding frenzy over the weekend (6 week cluster feed) Abby is now sometimes calm.  She sometimes even coos and smiles.  Before the end of last week if she was awake and not feeding she was crying so this is a vast improvement.  Today she kinda laughed.  Things are getting better.

And in the meantime I am focused on the little things.  The great thing about having lived with any illness for a long period of time, mental or otherwise, is that you (usually) develop coping mechanisms that are useful in other parts of your life.  I am much better at looking after myself now as a 33 year old than I was as a 20 year old.  So I make sure I have time to relax in the bath and paint my nails at least once week.  I eat (dairy free) chocolate.  I read.  I go for walks with the pram.  I talk to friends.  I eat at least two pieces of fruit a day (new research shows this helps women combat depression, plus it's yum).  I write.  I appreciate the small things and allow small snippets of time for myself.  And I ask for help when I need it so I can stay ok.

I am just so fortunate to have so many people available to give me that help.  My biggest wish is that all parents have the same support that I do.

* And thanks to everyone who has offered even more help since the last post.  Again, I am so, so lucky!