A quick follow up from the last blog

Getting sent flowers RULES!  Definitely a nice way to brighten someones day

Given the response I had to my last post I thought I'd better clarify:

I am ok.

I hadn't realised how the last post may read to friends and whanau.  Then a few days ago Murray told me it was like a wake up call for him.  He'd known things were hard, but didn't know they were that hard.  Although everything in that post is very true it wasn't meant in any way as a cry for help.  I am extremely lucky and have a lot of support.*  Thank you all so much for being so supportive and helpful for our family during this time.  It really is appreciated.  My main reason for being so frank in that post was to illustrate to (or remind) folk how hard it is in those early weeks - especially when there is a toddler in tow.  And that if you are one of those people who are struggling to cope it's ok to struggle.  In fact, I think it's quite normal.

I want to applaud those I know who are doing it without the level of support I have.  I want to give a shout out to those who do it without partners or without extended families or both - they are my heroes.  I don't know how you do this when you can't just pass the baby over to someone else for a bit.  I manage because I know that when Murray gets home from work, I'll get a break.  For many other people there is never a break.

And now I am writing this I want to acknowledge that things are hard for parents from all walks of life.  Regardless of how much or how little we earn, sleep deprivation, loss of a sense of self and parental guilt can affect us all.  The arrival of baby number two has made me really appreciate how hard it is being a parent.  Particularly for those parents of bigger families, of unwell children or whom are unwell themselves.  I never truly realised until now the effort they put in.  And I want to publicly apologise for any judgement anyone has ever felt I've ever passed, consciously or not, on these parents.  If I did it was because I was ignorant and I am sorry.

Because parents need the support of other parents and their communities.  They are growing the next generation and that's an extremely important job.  If you are a parent yourself you'll know this, and support rather than judgement is what is needed to keep us all afloat in hard times.  It is so important.  And it really is a simple thing.

These days most of us don't exist in those little neighbourly microcosms where people are always on hand with advice and an extra pair of hands.  While the old fashioned, practical things are a great help (meals, help around the house, someone to hold the baby while you sleep) equally it's the little things that help.  Kind messages, smiles, hugs and flowers (thank you Miriam!) make a big difference.  Basically, any validation that you are doing ok really helps.  Yesterday I bought bras, and the lady fitting me told me I looked good for having a seven week old.  That made me feel great.  Much nicer than the well meaning lady at the Drs the other day who told me 'You are doing well, it's obviously taken it's toll'.  Just phrasing things well and acknowledging that despite appearances you are doing a good job really helps.

Because for me the times that are hardest are the times that people can't easily help with.  It's those days where randomly Abby just screams for hours on end and won't sleep.  That gap between 5pm and 6.30pm when I'm waiting for Murray to come home, and organising dinner, and Abby is cranky because it's just crankytime.  The nights where traffic is bad and I have to do bedtime alone.  The times that are unpredictable, and therefore almost impossible to get help with.  Nice thoughts from better times help get me through these trying ones.

And I am ok.

I am ok because (like pregnancy) this hard stuff doesn't last forever.  It may feel like it when you're in it, but it doesn't.  After a feeding frenzy over the weekend (6 week cluster feed) Abby is now sometimes calm.  She sometimes even coos and smiles.  Before the end of last week if she was awake and not feeding she was crying so this is a vast improvement.  Today she kinda laughed.  Things are getting better.

And in the meantime I am focused on the little things.  The great thing about having lived with any illness for a long period of time, mental or otherwise, is that you (usually) develop coping mechanisms that are useful in other parts of your life.  I am much better at looking after myself now as a 33 year old than I was as a 20 year old.  So I make sure I have time to relax in the bath and paint my nails at least once week.  I eat (dairy free) chocolate.  I read.  I go for walks with the pram.  I talk to friends.  I eat at least two pieces of fruit a day (new research shows this helps women combat depression, plus it's yum).  I write.  I appreciate the small things and allow small snippets of time for myself.  And I ask for help when I need it so I can stay ok.

I am just so fortunate to have so many people available to give me that help.  My biggest wish is that all parents have the same support that I do.

* And thanks to everyone who has offered even more help since the last post.  Again, I am so, so lucky!

Fourth attempt at blogging...

So this attempt I will keep things short and simple.

So much has happened in the last month.  In that slow way that life unfurls, not in the way that every day brings a party although I feel as sleep deprived as if that were the case.  I've had so much to write about but no brain, or time.  Well, I've had time, but all spare time has been for the most part dedicated to sleeping.  Well, attempting to at least.  Whilst other blog writings remain unfinished (not fitting my pants*, coping with the successful creative lives of my peers, general life catch up) we have recently hit some milestones I'd love to write about.

On Sunday Abby turned one month old.

Abby has been a very different newborn to Etta so we've gone through a bit of a learning curve.  While Etta was a dream wee baby sleepwise (until hitting sleep regression around 12 weeks) Abby is the kind of baby who almost only sleeps 'on' people.  This doesn't make for great sleep for me.  She is also a very good eater.  She is regularly gaining 300 - 500 grams a week because she feeds as much as she can.  She feeds to the point she makes herself overtired and screams and can't latch and I have to pop her in the sling and walk around until she falls asleep.  And while Etta needed silence to sleep, Abby is the opposite.  Constant, talking, bustling noise helps get her to sleep which has made sleeping overnight tricky.  It is getting better though.

In the first few weeks I was so desperate for sleep I was crying and begging Murray to just hold her and walk around so I could sleep for just one hour.  I have ended up regularly (safely) co-sleeping as it's the only way for both of us to get sleep at this stage.  While this makes me anxious, the anxiety trumps the zero sleep.  And things are getting better.  There are two times of day we can (currently) fairly religiously get her to sleep in her bed and that's better than not at all.

The good thing about subsequent new baby times is that you know things will get better.  So while this is hard, I know that it will not be like this forever.

If I knew then what I know now... Despite the difficulties I am so much more relaxed this second time around.  I am not convinced every second of every day that Abby will die if I don't do X Y Z.  I am less anal about tracking sleeps, breastfeeding and nappy changes.  I feel confident about my ability to be a parent.  I wish I could have felt like this with Etta so I could enjoy that quiet time at home with her that I seldom get with Abby.  It's nice to just sit on the couch breastfeeding and watching crappy TV and not thinking about anything bar how lovely and warm your baby is.  It's the first time I've ever actually understood why some people think baby's are cute.** 

On Monday Etta turned two years old. 

Etta has coped pretty well with the whole gaining a sibling thing.  Sure, she has jealous patches which make Abby's extensive need to feed tricky, but on the whole she's very sweet and understanding.  We've tried to keep her routine as normal as possible, and her days fairly full so she doesn't feel bored at home with boring Mummy, or resentful of my time with Abby.

And I could be wrong, but it feels like when Abby gets a bit bigger Etta will accept her as a person a bit more.  At the moment she's just kind of a 'thing' that takes up Mummy's time.  Etta smirks at her inability to sit up.  She puts her fingers in her ears when Abby cries.  She sneakily pats her body with her feet sometimes.  Once Abby's a little more interesting I'm sure this will change.  Maybe.

Etta decided to start using the potty (sometimes) two days after we got home from hospital.  Because of the timing we haven't pushed this instead letting her use the potty when she wants and applauding her for doing so successfully.  We have not shown her knickers yet.  I'm gonna wait until she's more ready (and I'm more ready).  As is, we've had a few breastfeeding sessions on the bathroom floor while Etta sits on the potty waiting for something to happen.

Etta is one of the funniest people I know.  She has an amazing sense of comic timing (has done from very young) and knows people will watch her if she does funny things.  She's a very sweet girl, but equally throws amazingly epic tantrums.  She hates wearing clothes and I have much Mummy guilt over not making her wear socks (too hard).  Her favourite colour is yellow and she loves owls, robots, pies, rice bubbles, Minions, Russian Dolls, drawing, singing and dancing.  She is impossible to feed vegetables to (except for some reason, cauliflower).  She is just wonderful and while sometimes she can make being a parent of a newbie hard (like this morning where she was screaming at the top of her lungs because she didn't want Abby to sleep, but Abby was actually asleep in her bed for a change) I still feel so lucky to be her Mum.

To help keep everyone sane, Etta now has stuff on almost every day.  She's just started Playcentre visits with my Mum so will be going Monday mornings to our local from 9.30am - 12.30pm.  And after we're over Winter, Abby and I will go with her on a Friday.  On Tuesdays she spends the day with her Nana and Poppa (instituted before Abby arrived so she doesn't feel 'kicked out' for the day).  Wednesday mornings her Nana takes her to swimming.  Some Thursdays she goes to our local story time and on Friday's my Mum visits to help out and she gets quality time with 'Ella' (what Etta calls Mum instead of 'Grandma') and with me - depending on what is most needed.  When Mum is here she also holds Abby during Etta's nap time so I can get some sleep.


Now Abby has awakened from her sling sleep and is screaming her face off, I'll leave things there.  I don't want to lose another post to the unfinished pile.  We are so lucky to have the help we do to survive this tricky but amazing time growing these two little people.

* This topic now being obsolete as now, thanks to Abby's amazing eating skills combined with my breastfeeding prowess, I do fit my pants despite existing on copious amounts of sugar, cheese and chocolate.

** This does not mean I find babies cute.  This does not mean we will have more babies.  Half the reason I am coping so well with the crazy times is because I know it's the last of the crazy times.  Quite permanent birth control measures are on the horizon.