On Getting Excited About Baby

And a more palatable baby from this less scary website

What our baby will look like according to this sadistic website

  

I am finally over my cold/flu/bug thing (took about a week) and went swimming with Murray last night which was wonderful.  So despite having little and interrupted sleep last night (I got up at 2am and watched Once Upon A Time), I am feeling  a bit better than when I last posted.

To keep (our) spirits up, and also because of seeing friends wee ones recently, we've been talking a little about what traits we hope this baby will have, and what we hope she really doesn't have.  And Murray is getting more and more nervous about having a little girl that, due to sensible biology, looks just like him for at least a few years.  I can understand why!

First off looking at the issue of hair - we're hoping like hell that despite the changing-behaviour-entirely-at-full-moon she doesn't actually look like a werewolf.  This is a distinct possibility if she takes after her dad.  We are hoping she inherits my appearance of hairlessness (very fine, very blonde body hair).  Even though I colour my eyebrows in to feel like a regular human, it's MUCH easier and less painful than waxing, apparently.  Not that we wouldn't love her if she were an un-waxed werewolf - I've never waxed, I only know it's painful cos Murray told me*...

It seems unlikely there will be much variance in the hair colour department - I have honey-blonde hair, and Murray has light ash browny coloured hair.  She'll have to take after someone further back to get anything less muddy as a grown up, although she'll likely be blonde as a small person (we both were).  Eye colour is kinda the same - the options are hazel or brown.  With skin there is a little room for variance, and I'm hoping she gets Murray's.  Murray's Mum's family have this lovely skin tone - slightly olive and tannable.  I have typical English Rose skin which is almost translucent, is freckled and burns if the sun winks at it.  I'm also allergic to a bunch of things, and have that lovely stuff affectionately known as 'chicken skin' on my upper arms and face.  It's less noticeable now I'm older and know things I can do to minimise it, but it was a horrible thing to have as a teenager.  Murray's skin = lower cancer risk and possibly less angsty teenager to deal with down the track.

I don't really don't think it matters too much how tall she gets.  I am well below average height, and apart from making some things more difficult (reaching stuff), it being annoying at concerts (can't see stuff) and often receiving some light hearted ribbing, it's really not that bad.  It would be nice also if she doesn't get to be Murray's height - I think it's almost harder for the taller ladies - but that's unlikely.  Our metabolism is similar, but Murray's is better, so that'd be nice for her to inherit - although I like my physique (I like having T&A, but it's not everyone's thing, especially these days thanks to stupid modern media).

And outside of looks I really hope she gets Murray's family health.  Mine's a bit muddied with lower mortality rates, a higher risk of breast cancer and heart disease, gynae issues, asthma, and food allergies being par for the course.  No matter what happens, she'll probably be clumsy  - Murray fell over in the shower the other day and popped his shoulder out - just a reminder that we sometimes forget how unco he is.  And everyone seems to have no trouble remembering how unco I am.  So it's great that we are both first aid trained and usually calm in emergencies.

We hope she gets our smarts.  We hope she inherits our shared love of problem solving, games and reading.  I hope she has an imagination - with us as parents it seems unlikely that she won't.  I hope she likes school, and that it works for her, but we'll be ok if it doesn't.  I hope she likes cooking, like I do, and likes eating, like her Dad does - although maybe a little less obsessed with burgers and pies.  I hope that despite what will be a suburban upbringing (weird to me) she likes playing outside and running about exploring (safely).  I hope she likes animals and doesn't scream at our cats or pull their tails too much.  I hope that if she ISN'T a nerd (for whatever strange reason), we can support her in her non-nerdy endeavors.  And if she IS a nerd like us, I hope we can prepare her for living a positive nerd life ie: how to ignore/ discourage haters.  I hope she inherits my feistiness, and I hope we can cope with it!  I hope she's also as logical as Murray, although that won't aid us in arguing with a teenager...

The biggest thing I hope for our baby is that we learn how to do what's best for her no matter how she turns out.  That we can balance boundary setting with freedom, tolerance with reason and give her continuing love and support no matter what.  I hope that we can set our ideals aside and help her carve a path for herself.  

I also really hope she doesn't look like the baby morph baby at the top left - cos there is clearly something wrong with that baby.  I would probably send that baby back.  That baby is evil.

                                                                                              
* No weird frat boy antics - he used to cycle at a pretty high level - funny given how unco he is...

And if Murray had a baby with Hermione (Emma Watson), it'd look like this.

And if Hannah had a baby with Bruce Willis, it'd look like this.  Morphing is fun!

On Being Over This Pregnancy Business

Just a few hours before hoards of wonderful people were due to show up at our house for the baby shower with friends, I was bawling my eyes out.  My friend Lucy who was organising the shower turned up shortly after my hips had got me stuck in an awkward position and sorted me out (with Codeine - sadly necessary).  I had called for Murray to come help, but he hadn't heard me as was outside*.  I was in pain, exhausted, stressed and felt helpless, and these feelings were no different than of any other day last week.

Up until last week I thought pregnancy was horrible but manageable.  Now it feels as though it's just horrible and I am secretly hoping that this baby comes early to put an end to it (and is still magically perfectly healthy).  It seemed to happen all at once - I suddenly went from feeling a bit icky, to super uncomfortable, like someone flipped a switch.  Now it's uncomfortable to stand up (pressure on bladder), to sit down for long periods (back and hip pain), it’s very painful to lie down (worse than sitting) and it's getting progressively more difficult to breathe.  Due to the time of year, and needing to use it to lift my (increasing) weight, my right wrist has packed up and is now in a brace.  And now when the baby moves it feels even more like there is an alien inside me - I can feel with my hand what position she's lying in, and although it's kinda cool, it's outweighed by being mega creepy.  It creeped me out so much that when I felt her turn her foot on Saturday, I cried.

I now usually sleep in one hour blocks (two if I’m lucky) as I have to get up to pee that often.  And getting into a position where it's possible for me to sleep is so painful that I now putting off attempting to sleep until I really have to.  Getting into bed and getting onto the toilet are the two things that make my hips lock up the most, so going to bed is the most painful part of my day.   Attempting to stay in bed is also hard due to the amount of bathroom trips, so it means that I get up as soon as I can - sometimes as early as 3am (like when I started writing this) because it's just too sore to continue trying to sleep, which means I don’t sleep anyway!  So now I am this horrible, sleep deprived, grumpy mess - and I don't even have a baby yet!

This has been aided by also catching a cold/flu bug thing which hasn’t helped with the breathing and also means it's not smart to go swimming (again).  Swimming is currently  one of my biggest motivators to get out of the house now that standing up is uncomfortable.  It's also the thing that has been helping my hips and back, and the difference in the state of my hips is quite evidently linked to how much I get to the pool.  This has been the week of crying every day, of feeling sick and sore, helpless and overwhelmed.

Despite all good intentions, all my lists and plans, I have achieved very little in the last month.  I didn't take into account how reliant I would be on my brain to get things done.  Although my brain is slightly better than during the first trimester, it still can't create knitting patterns, format books, sort baby stuff or do anything beyond mundane, every-day tasks (like writing lists...).  And despite having many life lessons in this area I am still not very good at asking for help, or trusting other people to help me in ways that don't create more work.

The good thing that happened this week is that I let a few people help me.  The clutter in our house due to accumulation of ‘baby things’ (expectedly exacerbated by the baby shower last weekend) has contributed significantly to the crying, grumpy mess.  Mum came over on Wednesday and helped me sort it out.  We sorted all the clothes into sizes, and put the bigger things into storage (sorted and bagged in wardrobe) and made some shelves and filled them with other stuff.  The smaller clothes are in the drawers and being washed in batches (something I can do with no brain) as I feel like it.  And Thursday was Anzac Day, so Murray helped me sort out ALL the random stuff in our spare room.  We threw out two rubbish sacks full of junk, culled a bunch of random appliances and got ruthless on my art collection (a necessary evil).  I couldn't have done those things by myself.

Even though our house is now MORE of a state while we ‘rehome’ a few things from the spare room, I’m feeling more confident that within a week everything will look better than ever.  And although I’m sure I’ll still feel like a grumpy, teary, painful heffalump at least in a week’s time, at least I (probably) won’t be sick.  The most important things on my list will be done, and I’ll sadly have to let go of the more awesome things that require brain, and focus on more banal things, like re-watching bad 80's movies and marking off the days on my calendar - only 36 sleeps to go until I hit 'my' due date.

* Murray has asked me to have my cel on me at all times as this isn't the first time it's happened.  Unfortunately when you are stuck in certain positions even if your phone is nearby, you are unable to grab it.  In this instance my phone was on the charger less than 2 meters from my hands.  In this instance, Murray's phone was inside, so the location of my phone is irrelevant as he didn't have HIS phone.

On Remaining Civilised

Tomorrow it'll be two years since Murray and I had our Civil Union.  And since I was such a slacker last year and forgot to write about our first anniversary, I thought I'd better write about where things are at two years on.

The last two years have been eventful, but have also flown by.  We bought our first home, we dealt with some health issues, and now we're not far away from having our first kid.  All of these things sound very grown up which feels weird (me?  A grown up?) but whilst doing all these things we're still living our lives pretty much as we always have: I'm still reading, writing and waxing political, Murray's still gaming and we're both still busy with work, family and friends. 

It might sound like an odd thing to say, but I'm so grateful that not much has changed.  The only major change for me is that I feel more secure in our relationship, which allows me the freedom to focus on other aspects of my life.  I see being in this Union as being more like being part of a 'life team' (puke-worthy I know, sorry).  We each bring different skills and qualities to our team, and we need to have faith in each other for this team to be a success. 

As quite independent people, we tend to do our own thing much of the time, and that works for us.  What's important is that we have the same big picture goals and each contribute to achieving these.  Also important is to remember that we're human, and humans in enclosed spaces will likely butt heads time to time.  Recognising the difference between head-butting due to a bad day versus being due to an actual issue is an important skill to master.  Once you can do that, working out how to minimise the fallout constructively is the next step to a harmonious 'Unionised' existence.  While we're not perfect at this, we do our best, and that's probably the most important thing of all.

The fact that two years has gone by so fast speaks for the fact that despite facing big grown up things together, it mostly hasn't felt like hard slog.  I'm more of a realist than a romantic, and think that still enjoying someone's company after two years of being 'Civilised', four years of living together and five years of being in a relationship, is more a testament of our love than any well meant poem or sparkly bling.  For our anniversary we'll be celebrating with a nice dinner out where we know the food is great, the drink menu superb, and we won't catch bed bugs (this happened on our first anniversary.  Probably good I didn't write about it.)

And while not much has changed for us one thing that looks like it will change soon is the legality of gay marriage in New Zealand.  And because this may be changing, we are often asked if we will convert our Civil Union to a Marriage.  While I'm so glad that this change is on the cards, after a very brief discussion on the topic, we decided that we will not be converting ('Do you want to convert to a Marriage?'... 'No'... 'Neither') .

The two main reasons we chose to have a union of some kind were:
a) to solidify the bond that we already recognised as a couple

b) to celebrate this bond with the people we care about

Now that we have done that, there is no reason to rehash things.  The only practical reason to change from a Civil Union to a Marriage would be in order for us to adopt.  As far as I'm concerned the adoption laws in New Zealand still need updating, regardless of whether gay marriage is legalised or not, so it is still important to make people aware of this.  Being in a Civil Union allows us to do this.

In keeping our Civil Union we are recognising that inequality still exists.  I find it illogical that de facto couples, many of whom have been in relationships that far outstrip those of their 'Married' counterparts, cannot legally adopt as a couple.  To me, saying that those in Civil Unions and de facto relationships do not have the right to adopt is similar to religious persecution.  Why should we discriminate against people who, for whatever reason, choose not to marry?  And more importantly, given societal changes, why haven't we revisited our adoption laws since the 1950's?

I understand that this is partly due to the fact that we only have a very small amount of adoptions in New Zealand every year.  However, I do not feel this is a good enough reason to allow discrimination.  Like legalising gay marriage, this is a human rights issue.
 

If gay marriage comes in and makes Civil Unions obsolete, so be it (I think this is highly unlikely - there are many reasons to choose a Civil Union).  I will be so proud to live in a country where gay people can get married (fingers crossed for Wednesday), but it's important to remember where we came from, and that so many people worked hard toward making this change possible.  I'm looking forward to being that crazy old person who says 'We had a Civil Union because back in my day kids, gay people couldn't get married' and seeing disbelieving wide eyed faces staring back at me. 

And Murray will be there looking at me too, rolling his eyes and biting his tongue or mimicking me poorly behind my back.  Happy anniversary Murray.  Thank you for loving me in spite of my political rantiness x x

On the Pros and Cons of (this) Pregnancy

Look at me, getting all fat and pregnant-looking!

WARNING - this is a ranty blog with possible TMI about a range of things.  Read with caution.  Do recommend reading if you are planning on getting knocked up for the first time as you may learn something useful.  Or read if your pregnancies have been wonderful, and you've always wondered what everyone else was bitching about.  Or if you want to know all the gross things that have been happening to me.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *      *   
People experience pregnancy in varying ways, but one thing has become apparent: after people are no longer pregnant, they forget exactly how crappy the crap parts were.  And then, some of those people tell us pregnant folk that they loved being pregnant, which makes you feel more crap about feeling crappy about pregnancy.*  We are programmed to forget so that we make as many children as possible.  So before I forget the crappy crapness, I thought it best to write about it.

I'm going to start with the 'cons' as it's always better to end on a positive note.  And I'll try and be concise...

Going mental

Because of my previous mental history, this was always likely to happen with pregnancy.  To be honest, in this case, pregnancy merely enhanced my crazy state - lots of other things were happening in my life which would usually trigger craziness - hormones just boosted that.  Things seem to have balanced out now, but I was a total nut-bar for the first four months.  And being pregnant, I couldn't use my usual 'stabiliser' (antidepressants) due to potential risk with starting new drugs mid-pregnancy.  But we made a plan and things got better.  As a comparison, Murray thought I was crazy when I was on IVF (I was an egg donor some years go) - he reckons IVF's got nothing on this pregnancy business!

Exhaustion

This contributed significantly to my 'going mental'.  I didn't have the energy to read, let alone think properly, in the early months of pregnancy.  I couldn't play board games.  I had to go to bed by 9.30pm - I physically could not stay up past 10.30pm.  Being exhausted and mental meant I cried over almost nothing.  Often.  People were all excited and giving me advice on pregnancy/child rearing/nappies etc and I couldn't process any of it.  I just wanted to throat punch everything within a two metre radius of my fists. 

I am less mentally exhausted now, but struggle to do normal physical things.  Carrying the extra weight around is hard.  I don't think I would cope with being 10kg heavier in regular non-pregnant life.  It's a good incentive to lose the baby weight afterward.

Low Blood Pressure

I have always had low blood pressure, just like my mum.  Pregnancy tends to drop blood pressure a little more, so rather than it being 'normal' low, which doesn't affect me much, it's been proper low, which affects me a lot.  Low blood pressure has resulted in dizziness, fainting and headaches.  I carry scroggin and water with me everywhere to have when I feel myself getting shaky.  It means it's not 'sensible' for me to walk long distances, or even work normal hours.  LBP caused me to faint at work, which was scary - I was lucky I didn't smack my head on something in our tiny shop.  It has, like many other symptoms, improved the more pregnant I get, but is something I am always conscious of.

Hip and back pain

At only 4 1/2 months pregnant, I was in a back brace, on codeine and felt like a total invalid.  My Dr had recommended I go on the Sickness Benefit.  WTF?  I had considered the possibility something like this might happen in the last trimester, but not so early.  At one point my hips were both displaced which was extremely painful.  I knew this was fixable, so did all I physically could to sort it out.  Sometimes if your back problems are really bad your Midwife/Dr will elect for a C Section - I didn't want this to happen.  With persistence, I have improved things through low impact, targeted exercise.  My back is still sore - but I think it's closer to normal-pregnancy-sore which I can cope with.

Gross Discharge
No one told me about this before I got pregnant!  One of the pros of pregnancy (I thought) was not having to worry about getting your period, or having to spend money on 'feminine hygiene products' - in my case this turned out to be total bollocks.  I haven't had periods (although did have some spotting early on) but have to use panty liners every day due to gross discharge - another 'normal' side effect of being pregnant.  It quite literally stinks.

Vaginal Pain

Since very early in the pregnancy, I've suffered from vaginal pain with any form of penetration ie: not just sex.  After using the interweb Dr (Google) I assumed it was another 'normal' side effect of pregnancy because some women's cervix's drop, which can contribute to vaginal pain.  After finally asking my Midwife about it, I found out the type of pain I have isn't normal, and is something which requires further investigation.  I decided that rather than seeing someone about it now, I'll wait until after the baby gets here.  I'm sure it's just some trapped nerve thing with everything being moved around down there (the vagina I have now is not the one I had before) and it'll come right of its own accord.  But if I'm still sore a few months after the birth, I'll be unimpressed to say the least...

Broken Capillaries

Another thing no-one told me about: the increased blood flow to the boobies (for milk making) means some women get broken capillaries around their décolletage.  I am one of those women.  I have little red marks from my neck down to my nipples.  These are often permanent - so if they are still here a few months after the baby gets here - it's off to the laser clinic I go! 

The Judginess

When you get pregnant, your body and your decisions become public property.  What you eat, drink, wear, whether you plan to breast feed, buy a baby monitor, or choose 'the drugs', are all 'issues' that require commentary.  Most people are genuinely trying to be helpful, but much of the time it all feels a bit judgy.  This is especially relevant if you have different ideas about parenting to the average Joe - everything you want to do that's different is challenged.  This is just prep for parenting.  Regardless of how 'normally' people choose to raise their kids, parents must learn to run the gauntlet of judgement as everything they do is questioned/ challenged/criticised for pretty much the rest of their lives.

And just in case you need telling, there are many ways people get through pregnancy and child rearing successfully - there is no one right way.  Just because something worked for you and your child(ren), doesn't mean it will work for everyone.  Just because someone chooses something different to what you choose/chose to do, doesn't make that choice wrong or bad.  Just because you read a research paper on _____ that said ____, doesn't mean it's the only research paper on ____ ever written and the only valid conclusion ever drawn.

All the other stuff

On top of this I've had bleeding gums, blood noses, thrush (you are 10 times more likely to get it when pregnant), cracked nipples and flaking off boob skin (I feel like a leper), morning sickness (not as bad as some women I know), insomnia, loss of balance, constipation, heart burn, acid reflux, little sex (due to ALL of the above) and a constant need to pee.  And I miss wine.  But that, fellow wino's, is definitely, at the bottom of the list of sucky things about (this) pregnancy.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *      *

And the pros.  I take as much pleasure in the little positive things as I can, and am now really looking forward to getting this little, very kicky person out of my uterus (only eight weeks to go) and meeting them.

Baby Filter

I do not know the science of this thing I speak of, but since I left the first trimester, it appears I can eat a greater range of 'bad' foods without getting sick.  I was diagnosed with IBS a while ago, and have found having a low gluten, low lactose, low saturated fat diet is conducive to keeping my issues in check.  After not being able to eat ice-cream for years without fear of evil, I now can, and nothing bad happens.  I can also eat a bit of gluten - not as much as a packet of two minute noodles (discovered after experimentation), but I can eat a little naan with my curry.  It's awesome!  Many foods that I haven't been able to safely eat for a long time I now seem to be able to eat in moderation.  I call it 'baby filter'.

Lookin' Fine

The other day a customer asked me 'What do you use on your skin?'  I daren't tell her that that particular morning, I hadn't even washed my face before going to work... so I told her which moisturiser I use (cheap supermarket one), and then mentioned that I was pregnant (in case she hadn't noticed).  She didn't appear to believe me (about skin care regime, not pregnancy).  I am lucky and generally have pretty good skin these days, but this seems to have been enhanced by pregnancy.  My hair and nails are also awesome.  I grew my nails to a crazy length a while ago, just because I could, painted them slut red and a customer thought they were fake.  The nail awesomeness has gone away due to swimming a few times a week, but still, nice to know I can grow crazy good nails.

More Time At Home

A few weeks ago, this could just have easily been a con... but being the anal sod I am, I have written myself a 'weekly schedule' and am actually really enjoying all this extra time.  It means I can work on creative projects that have been thrown by the wayside.  It means I have time to go swimming without being exhausted and resenting it.  It means I can read all those weird books on neuroscience, feminism, parenting - whatever thing has taken my fancy at any given time (my brain is back).  It means the house is less of a bomb site than it was a few months ago and Murray has something of a wife again.  It means we are both eating better than we were when I was working and exhausted, so really, despite it being unplanned, it's a bit of a God send.

Entitlement

I am a little nicer to myself JUST because I'm pregnant.  So have justified extra spending on things that I wouldn't normally spend money on (I am a Scrooge).  With the hip issues, I justified spending money on a pass to our local pools, which has been invaluable.  I also justified spending $180 on pregnancy yoga classes - this is a lot of money to us - but these classes have made me so confident about labour they have been absolutely worth it.  But what I most regularly spend extra on is FOOD.  Would Scrooge normally shell out $1.50 for a ready avocado?  Hells no!  Scrooge would wait until he found an awesome avocado special (two for $1).  But these days, that's ok.  Would Scrooge normally buy himself an iceblock on a hot day?  Hells no!  Scrooge carries water!  But now Scrooge is all hot and knocked up, it's totally fine to splurge on that.  Besides, Scrooge need the sugar to keep his blood pressure up so he doesn't keel over.

People being nice
Just as some people are total a-holes, some are just lovely.  It has been nice being congratulated by regular customers now that I'm obviously pregnant.  One of my lovely ladies even loaned me a book - after gauging how I felt about things first - and it does fit with my feelings, and has been very helpful.  When I get on a busy train or bus, someone will usually (except for the time when the rugby was on at Eden Park) get up so I can have a seat.  I like this old fashioned courtesy.  And the other day a woman helped me unload my trolly at the supermarket, as being short and round, it was difficult for me to pick up items at the bottom of the cart.  Thank you wonderful lady!

Our families do their best to be supportive.  And most of their support has been real support ie: asking questions to establish what is needed and doing their best to fill those gaps, rather than telling us what we need.  My fabulous community on Facebook have offered ideas, advice, support and actual baby things on a daily basis which make this whole process easier.  Even when ideas and advice are overwhelming, I know that everyone offers because they care.  I am so grateful to my friends and whanau for caring so much.  Me, Murray and baby are very, very lucky to be surrounded by such an amazing community.

Awesome excuse

Yes, I am tired and sore most of the time BUT I also prefer to stay at home watching crap TV or trolling Facebook, so it kinda works in my favour.  So where I were normally too tired to go out, but felt I had to cos ________ (insert guilt trigger here), I now feel more entitled to say I can't make it cos I'm too tired cos (don't forget) pregnant.

Healthy Baby
The best thing about this pregnancy is that my baby is healthy.  It moves around like crazy, which is really uncomfortable, and freaky (aliens), but a good thing.  We were very worried about this pregnancy given my previous issues and my having had surgery almost straight after conception, but every test and scan has come back perfect.  Every week in utero, no matter how terrible, is another week closer to when the baby arrives, and another week less (possibly) prem.  This is what keeps me going when I get a foot jabbed in up under my ribs.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *      *

I knew this wasn't going to be fun when I got myself into it (chest bursters, remember?), but I am looking forward to when it's over.  And every pregnancy is different.  Just because mine has sucked, doesn't mean yours will - it could be better, it could be much worse.  Everyone's symptoms and the level at which they experience them are different.  And it doesn't mean my next one won't be fabulous**.

* I also know some women genuinely love being pregnant.  Yay for them!  That'd be lovely!
** This doesn't mean there will be a 'next one'.  This is purely theoretical.