Getting Strong

When someone close to you is diagnosed with a chronic illness, it really puts things in perspective.  You cannot take your health for granted.

These days I feel like I have to be the strong one.

And it's not because my partner is weak - he isn't.  It takes great strength to adapt to new ways of doing things.  To accept that at times your body does things beyond your control.  It takes strength to keep finding ways of being yourself within new limitations.  To not give up in spite of these.  I need to be strong to support my partner in staying strong.  To support our children in living a life which differs from their peers.  And I need to be able to meet these challenges, and all the usual ones that just come with life, without falling apart.

It's not like I'm not already strong.  In many ways I'm circus strong man strong.  I'm stubborn as hell.  I'm goal oriented.  I've lived a life full of unexpected hardships and have my own health challenges to manage.  I've learned to love problem solving.  I'm the perfect person to have with you in an emergency.  While I do suffer from mental illness, I am also mentally strong.  But at the moment the rest of me needs a little work.

That time I broke my ankle trampolining...

I am by no means a lazy person.  I've mostly worked in jobs that clock up the steps: hospitality and retail keep you literally on your toes.  I work in a job where one day I might move a fridge, put away a bunch of microwaves or carry a carseat to someone's car.  Where I regularly run between floors authorising transactions.  And in my spare time I like going for walks, exploring the beauty in nature around me.  I've just never really been into sports.  As a young person I was teased for doing sport, so doing this in a public, competitive forum triggers my anxiety.  It's not super surprising to me that even my short forays into fun sports have resulted in serious injuries.  It's hard to be co-ordinated when you're fighting a panic attack.

But my lifestyle isn't technically proper exercise.  It's not 20 minutes of something a day that lifts my heart rate.  While I'm reasonably fit for someone who doesn't play sports, there is a lot of room to improve.  And with my Dad's family's heart health history, if I want to still be here when our kids are in their 20's - and I do - I need to start making some serious changes now.

I did start this last year.  I worked on getting fit and eating better and I managed to lose 9kg!  But with lockdowns, Coronavirus and Murray's increasingly frequent seizures all that work fell by the wayside. I started comfort eating.  I have always had a love/hate relationship with food and when things get tough, this is where things fall apart.  The lockdowns made it hard for me to exercise in the way that suits me best, and the inconsistency meant the routines I'd set earlier in the year fell apart.  By Christmas, I'd gained most of it back.  So this time my approach to strength is a little different.

Just gotta lose 9 butters.  Already lost 4

There are plenty of studies that show losing just 5% of your bodyweight can have some significant health improvements.  For me, that number is around 4.5kg.  So that's my current goal.  So far this year, I've lost 2kgs through exercise alone, so I am feeling like I'm on track for that particular measure.  But weight is not necessarily a good measure of health or strength.

I'm focusing on my flexibility.  I'm interested in increasing my upper body and core strength.  Most importantly, I'm wanting to revise my relationship with food.  But I want to take this slowly.  My plan is to institute one big change at a time every two months.  Science says on average it takes 66 days to make a new habit automatic.  Last year, I went in all guns blazing.  Then when things got tough, everything fell apart.  This year, I'm taking my time.  And I'm starting with building a habit I know is achievable for me - increasing my exercise.

Starting with something that I enjoy is just smart.  It forms a positive connection to the work I'm doing so makes building that habit easier.  I really like swimming.  Even though I've gained back the weight, I have still been swimming sporadically.  In the last year I've increased my average swim from about 500 metres to over 1 kilometer, and moved from doing my comfortable stroke (backstroke) to swimming a mix of breaststroke, backstroke and freestyle.  If I have time, I can break my swim into chunks and swim more in a day than I thought I could - more than 2 kilometers.  During school holidays I set my goal at swimming 3 - 5km per week.  Since school went back, I've upped that to 4 - 8 kilometers.

Obviously, this is the ideal.  It won't happen every week.  Last week we had a 3 day lockdown which impacted my swimming schedule*.  But I swam when I could, as much as I feasibly could.  And I still managed to swim more than 4 kilometers  The week before I did 7 kilometers.  In my ideal week I'd swim 5 days a week and spend at least 2 short sessions in the gym (I still hate the gym so I'm not pushing it).  But I'm realistic that this won't happen all the time - this weeks goal has been impacted by poor health.  But I'm doing my best to get my body used to pushing its boundaries beyond what is comfortable.

Not skinny, but quite bendy

I also do a lot of stretching in the sauna.  I use this time to focus on my breathing and balance.  Through this, plus swimming I have increased my flexibility through my quads.  I've increased my upper body strength enough that picking up a bowling ball feels easy.  I'm starting to get some muscle tone in my stomach.  My balance has improved.  I may not have dropped a dress size but I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my body.

And this isn't just about physical strength - swimming has really aided me in being mentally tough.  For me, water has always felt therapeutic.  I grew up near the ocean and swam a lot as a kid.  When I was pregnant with Etta and had hip dysplasia**, I waterwalked so that I wouldn't have to spend more time in bed.  I laboured with both of our kids in water.  It just soothes me.  And, like many exercises designed to help you feel calm, swimming forces you to focus on your breathing.  I have to regulate my breathing to swim.  This physical calming transfers to slowing down my thoughts.  Swimming really helps with my anxiety.  It makes my life feel more manageable.

Me and Abby at baby swim lessons.  It's funny looking back as I was so uncomfortable with my body at this time.  Now I'm much bigger than I was then, but feeling better about myself.

I haven't got to the hard part yet - the food is the hard part.  And I'm trying not to get ahead of myself.  I'm in the sweet spot right now.  This is the reveling in my bodies ability to do more than I thought it could.  I'm slightly nervous about April -   when I start changing my diet.  But I'm just making one achievable change at a time.  I am trying to live in today.  Today I swam 2 kilometers.  Today, I am strong (and also, quite tired..).

* I'm currently a pool swimmer.  While ocean swimming would be ideal - and still possible at Level 3 - I'm just not quite that confident yet.

** Many folk with hip dysplasia end up either using walkers or having to rest toward the end of their pregnancies.  I really, really did not want that to happen, so I exercised a lot to increase my strength so I could stay mobile.

On Our New Normal

So it's been a while.

I have a few half-written blogs I haven't posted and have had a lot of thoughts about this evolving world we live in that I haven't managed to write down.  And there is a solid reason for this.  Our family is slowly coming to terms with our new normal. Not just in regards to Covid, but in regards to Murray's epilepsy.

Murray is a much more private person than I so I will not share the specifics.  What I will say is that he's been told medication will not manage it well (it took a year of playing with meds to ascertain that) and we need to look into other options.  And we are trying, but even our private health sector is slow and difficult to deal with - particularly in neurology where, as a small island nation, there are just not enough specialists to go around.

So at the moment we're in limbo.  I can't remember the last time there was a seizure free week - it might have been Christmas because that was a surprisingly* good week.  As it is, we just have to take each day as it comes and do the best we can.  Murray's work has been amazingly supportive - mine has too.  Now, Murray mostly works from home.  It really takes the pressure off.  I feel extremely lucky that we already had a computer and an office space to facilitate this change.  But because of this change, I currently don't have a solid writing space.

A surprisingly seizure free Christmas

I am not one of those people who can just write anywhere.  I'm an extroverted introvert - it may seem like I love being around people - and I do - but I need space alone to recharge and regroup.  A LOT of space.  I struggle to write around others as it's a less stable environment for me.  It doesn't matter how well I know the people - I feel other peoples thoughts and feelings and words floating everywhere.  I need to be alone to hear my own voice.

And I just don't have the headspace to manage more changes at home.  So much has changed in the way we live our lives that I just don't have the energy.  Consequently, I've taken writing off the table.  I've been so tired lately** I don't even feel guilty.  Frankly, it's nice having a break from writer guilt.

While my brain hasn't been up to writing, it has been working hard on keeping well.  The biggest recent challenge was surviving school holidays with all of us at home together on the days I wasn't at work.  I had to come up with a new way of accessing some space from my whanau outside of the house so I didn't start losing the plot.  I found that space in the water.  I worked out a swimming schedule around when Murray was definitely working from home and left early in the morning (6.30) so I could be finished before he started work (8.30).  I went swimming on Sundays when the pools opened at 7am.  I wasn't perfect at this, but I did get some time out every week which helped me survive those seven long weeks with no school.

For me, the hardest part of our new normal is having to negotiate unknown territory.  A large chunk of my social anxiety comes from not knowing the etiquette around things - how I'm expected to act or behave.  With epilepsy - there is no guidebook.  Everyone experiences it differently.  While some triggers and types of seizure are commonly experienced, how it feels and presents for each person varies greatly.  There is no one solution - we are making up the rules as we go.  Yes, there is Epilepsy NZ and various other supports - but they don't offer any black and white solutions.  Yes, there are some first aid basics regarding the event of a seizure, but the rest is a free for all.  I regularly need to make decisions on the fly - like prioritising school pick up over monitoring Murray post seizure, or deciding whether or not to go on a booked trip.  It's scary not knowing whether or not I am making the right choice.  It is hard balancing everyone's needs.

A bittersweet trip out on the Kaipara without Murray after an early morning seizure.
Luckily Auntie Anne was free to join us,and we'll do it again another day.

This probably sounds awful, but I think these things are par for the course with managing many health conditions or disabilities when you're also a parent.  And while yes, it's not ideal, it's not without positives.  And it's really important to focus on those.  Murray is home more which means he has more time with the kids.  He cooks dinner more often, works less, and generally seems less stressed.  Both of us have made more of an effort to be kind to each other.  To accept each others strengths and limitations.  No, this is not what either of us were expecting when we committed to each other, but no-one knows what the future holds.  I feel this unexpected turn has only strengthened our relationship.

Not only that, but it does teach valuable lessons to our whole whanau.  While the kids are pretty used to seeing seizures now, every now and then one will still scare them.  They have had to learn skills most other children their age don't have - Etta can use Murray's phone*** to negotiate my work phone system and calmly tell me that Dad's having a seizure.  She has gone to the neighbours to get help when it was needed.  She sets a timer to monitor the length of his seizures, and can communicate to others its severity****.  No, this is not ideal, but it is our reality.  We have a mortgage and we all need to eat.  I do stay home from work when Murray's obviously unwell, but sometimes there are no signs.  We do the best we can with the situation we are in.  I am so grateful to have such strong and capable kids, and I try to make sure they know it.

We call her 'Dr Nettie' because she always knows
when you are sad or sick and she sleeps with you.

And they're empathetic.  Living with someone with health issues helps you view the world differently.  You see the inaccessibility of certain spaces and places.  The ways in which society does not accept people who are different.  The economic impact of living with ongoing health issues becomes apparent, the ways in which having less excludes people.  Our kids see this too.  They are learning the value of hugs, of time together, of the difference small actions can make.  They are learning how to adapt to unexpected situations and how to talk to us about difficult feelings.  They even get to see how animals show empathy (Murray has come to from a seizure with cats on him more than once).  These are difficult gifts to receive, but we still have to view them as gifts.

So this is where we're at now.  This is our new normal.  I am hopeful that in time this will change, but if it doesn't I know we will adjust and adapt.  I'm also hopeful that more writing will happen soon now the kids are back at school which does give me some headspace.  But I'm not going to feel bad if it doesn't.  Right now, I'm focused on the little things that bring us joy each day.  Whether it's cuddles with cats or kids, eggs from our hens or an unexpected win on Fall Guys.  Those things are enough for me for now.

* Surprising just because it's generally quite a stressful, busy and hot time of year.  And stress, tiredness and heat are the three biggest triggers for Murray's seizures.

** And no, it's not iron levels/lack of sleep/other logical explanation - it's emotional overload.  While with me it may not be noticeable in ways folk expect (crying, struggling to cope, depression) it physically manifests as exhaustion.

*** There is an emergency button set up on the front screen so the kids can easily call my cel, my work, Mum, or one of our neighbours.  It is seriously so worth us having.

**** It hasn't hurt that during the Level 4 Lockdown she became obsessed with a medical show for kids (Operation Ouch) on Youtube.  Since then she's been quite obsessed with facts about the human body and health stuff in general - we've even watched a surgery on someone with epilepsy together before.  She is quite matter of fact and this is very helpful when it comes to these kinds of situations.

Dr Xand and Dr Chris from Operation Ouch - Etta is OBSESSED

2020: A Year Of Firsts

Oh, what a year it's been!  Consequently, like many folk, my mental health has not been the best which has made things that usually come naturally feel like walking uphill through thigh-high water.  Last week was especially not great.  But the good thing of a long history poor mental health is a lot of experience with getting it back on track.  So I sat down and made a list of things to sort it out.  And started actioning it immediately.

And this week already looks different.  While I was swimming today I was thinking of how many 'firsts' I'd had this year.  Not all of them have been great, but all of them have certainly given me an opportunity to understand myself better.  And I thought that thinking of what has been deemed a universally awful year from a different angle, might be useful.  So here are some of my 'firsts' from 2020.

1) I have survived a global pandemic (so far...)
And guess what!  If you're reading this, so have you!*  Congratulations!  Worldwide, it has taken the lives of over 1.14 million people.  But not mine, or yours.  I am extremely luck to live in Aotearoa where we have one of the lowest death rates in the OECD.  I really hopes it stays this way.  And I really hope other countries manage to get there too.  At no point in time prior to this year have I ever even considered having my life taken away due to pandemic.  At no point has this ever been a concern until now.  And now it is, I am so, so grateful to be alive.

During the first lockdown I built the Millennium Falcon

2) My whole family survived two lockdowns
And truly, this feels like an achievement.  Lockdown is not something I could ever have even conceived of having to go through in pre-Covid life.  And as a person who needs time and space alone to stay sane, the idea of being stuck with my family** at home for an undefined period of time was horrifying.  So the first lockdown was pretty tough.  Particularly the last few weeks.  Etta coped even less well than me and started stimming which totally freaked her out.  She missed her friends, and video calls actually just made that worse.  The great thing though was, we learned from this.  All of us did.  So the second Level 3 lockdown was ok.  Murray listened regarding some of the things I struggled with the first time and really made an effort to help.  The kids understood what was happening and were ok.  I do think this experience made us stronger as a family, and a little better at communicating our needs to each other.

The biggest bird I saw in Miranda

3) I went to Miranda
And holy crap I loved it!  While I had to cancel what would have been my first alone time trip outside of NZ on the sunny shores of Rarotonga, I still did get a holiday after the lockdown was lifted.  While I don't think this little piece of Aotearoa will be the pinnacle of every persons travel ideals, it certainly was for me.  Other than birds and a fabulous fish 'n' chip shop, there is nothing there.  The bird watching is amazing.  The weather wasn't  great, but that just meant less people around to interfere with my bird watching.  I give Miranda 5 stars and will certainly be back.

One of the dotterel I saw up in Kaiaua       

4) I saw dotterel and kotuku
Obviously a direct follow on from the last post, but still deserving of their own section.  The owners of the place I was staying in had said a kotuku had been hanging out in one of the neighbouring paddocks, and turns out - it still was!  I saw it twice during my stay but didn't get a photo as both times I was driving.  Still, very exciting.  And while I didn't see any dotterel in the actual reserve, on a tiki tour up the road I walked along a very stony beach and randomly found a few pairs.  I loved seeing them so much I went back the next day and they were still there.  I loved how they communicated with each other, and how they were wary, but curious, about me.  I managed to get pretty close, but didn't want to disturb them too much.  But it really felt special being on a completely deserted beach in the middle of nowhere with a couple of pairs of endangered birds.

5) I became a chicken Mummy
So two 'chickens' turned up on our street.  We had a decrepit hutch (courtesy of a friend) that we had loaned to our neighbour, so we caught and housed these 'chickens' and then about four days into lockdown they started crowing.  Crap.  They had been dumped due to their gender.  So sadly, these poor roosters had to go.  But this opened a window for me to plead a case for getting chickens.  My cousins neighbour happened to have excess young chickens, and with Murray's consent, three of them came to live with us during the first Level 3.  They are bantam/silky crosses and full of personality!  At the moment they are broody and not laying, but they have been laying gorgeous wee eggs before that.  And Taco (Murray named her) will let me pick her up and cuddle her.  It has been a wonderful addition to our whanau, and something positive for the kids to enjoy during the lockdowns.

Blanche, Taco and Luna when they first arrived

6) I tried Hello Fresh
This doesn't seem like a big deal, but it really has made a difference to our year.  I am cheap.  I run a tight budget.  Not because it's necessary, but because I just always have.  I grew up with not a lot and I've always budgeted, so it's hard to let out the purse strings.  But this year, well, I let them out.  Hello Fresh is not cheap for what it is when it's not a free box or on special.  And as someone who has decent cooking skills, I couldn't immediately see the value of it.  But I have since discovered that it makes a big difference to my mental load.  Just the simple thing of not having to think about shopping for a healthy meal truly helps.  Plus, Murray is more likely to cook because the directions are far easier to follow than my 'just chuck some courgette in' style of directing cooking.  It saved us during the last lockdown.  And during times where Murray's epilepsy wasn't great.  And now that I've broken my thumb... And I've used the recipe cards to reinvent my favourites to incorporate into our normal rotation.  It is not the greatest for the environment though, so definitely a stop-gap measure for us, but has absolutely been worthwhile.

7) I managed an emergency at work
This was another not so great thing.  But it happened, and it's important to take away the positives from the experience.  One of our customers had a stroke.  One of my colleagues who had been serving her realised, but her workplace first aid certificate was out of date, and she knew I'd just done mine.  While it took a few minutes before I called the ambulance (a little difficult to make the call to call as she was quite argumentative), my colleagues and manager were amazing.  They stayed with her and got her seated while I stayed on the phone with the operator.  And then the mall fire alarm went off and we had to evacuate the mall...

Our manager gave me her mobile to call emergency services back on, and went to evacuate the store while a colleague and our security stayed with me as we tried to work out how to get her out (she was not easy to carry).  Mall security realised we were there, we explained the situation and he grabbed a wheelchair from customer services and they managed to lift her into it.  I stayed on the phone as we wheeled her through the mall, and when met by the fire brigade (it took a while to get out) they helped us by taking her obs and assisting us to the ambulance bay where they got her on a stretcher and took her to hospital.

Sadly, our customer passed away that night.

In spite of this, I knew we had done our best.  Even if we had have been two minutes faster (which we could have been) sadly, the outcome would not have been any different.  This helped me realise I am calm in crazy, unpredictable situations.  And that I work with an amazing, caring team of people who will do whatever it takes to help people.  I also had a window into what our emergency service teams do for our communities every day.  Seriously, we are so lucky to have people who do what they do every day.  They are are real heroes.

8) I did Dry July
The best thing about doing Dry July, other than raising money to support those affected by cancer, is the difference it made in my life.  I am not a heavy drinker by any means, but I do enjoy a woody chardonnay or a cheeky sav a few times a week.  What I realised is how much better my sleep is when I'm not drinking at all.  So if my sleep is bad, or my mental health not so good (like now).  I just stop drinking for a bit.  It's brilliant.

9) I swam 5km in one week
So, I'm not a sportsing person.  The last time I tried to go to a regular exercise class - I broke my ankle.  Since then, I've been wary.  But after getting back in the pool about a year ago I realised, that even though I did love trampolining, maybe that wasn't the right sport for me.  But swimming absolutely is.  I started small.  Having never had any lessons outside what I learned in Primary School, it's never been something I'm amazing at.  And I'm still not.  But I don't swim to be amazing at it.  Swimming really helps keep me grounded.  And, before going into the first lockdown it helped me to lose 8kg***.  And the more I do it, the easier it gets.

Re-starting after the last Level 3 lockdown I thought I would be struggling to swim the distances I had been previously.  But the first day back I swam over 1km.  After that, I set my goal slightly higher - at least 1250 metres per swim.  And I did achieve that for a few weeks before my recent accident, swimming between 1100 - 1500 metres each session four times a week.  While I haven't lost weight, I feel fitter and stronger than ever.

My thumb splint.  It will be with me a while yet.

10) I fractured my right thumb
Another not so great thing.  Quite debilitating actually.  But at least I did it in a funny way.  I smacked it into the edge of the table when playing air hockey with Murray.  He will want it on the record that he won this game.  I want it on the record that I finished this game - with a fractured thumb.  Now that's a decent story at least.  The positives in this are that because I cannot do all things exactly as I used to I have had to try new things.  I put a housework plan in place (because I can't do all I used to do yet).  I simplified our meal planning whilst keeping things nutritious (a little less handy with knives).  I realised that I can use chopsticks with my left hand.  I got my first ever pedicure after realising I can't cut my toenails and it was not awful (I hate people touching my feet).  And, just ten days after my accident I got the all clear to get back in the pool (provided I wear my splint).  While I haven't managed the distances I was doing before - because it is still sore - I did finally manage to swim over 1km today which feels great.  I'm also back to being a regular at Hands Out West which is not a bad thing.  We're going to work on my strength once this is a bit better so that I stop continually spraining this thumb.

Pretty toes.  Might even do this again some time.

And there are more firsts than just these.  We also had our first pet picked up by the SPCA (the SPCA do amazing work), Abby's first day at school, our first home grown pomegranate, my first double vote Green.

In spite of all that is happening in the world, our lives go on.  And while this can be overwhelming, and have real impacts on our lives, this is not all that is happening.  It's so important to see this, to see what we have in front of us each day and to appreciate it all, the good and the bad, and use it as a place to grow from.

* Unless you are the ghost of someone who passed away from Covid this year.  If so, I am very sorry.  But please, continue reading.  You may find other things relatable.

** I love them, I just also really, really need to not see them every now and then.

*** I gained most of that back, but 2020, well, I'm going easy on myself.

On How Privilege Impacts The Covid Response

 If you are reading my blog right now you live with certain privilege.

Social media helped me feel connected
during the lockdowns           

• You are able to read
• You have time to read
• If you are from Aotearoa and can read this, it means you understand the language most used most commonly in public spaces.
• You understand how to use the internet
• You have access to the internet
  
• And this may not be true, but if you are reading this it is also likely that you use social media.  So you have a means of connecting with other people without seeing them.
  
  

Regardless of how much money you have in the bank, what colour your skin is, or when or where you were born.  If you are reading this, these things are true.

This also means you will have access to current affairs.  That you are able to watch the 1pm Covid updates, live or later, or read the summaries on news websites.  And if you are reasonably educated it means you can research the current pandemic.  That you can find the thoughts of expert epidemiologists at the click of a button.  You can see what solutions are being utilised overseas.  What is working, and what is not.  It means that, if you are unsure of the statistics, or what your government is telling you, you are able to research and find out more for yourself.

While this has become a normal image for many, there will be plenty for whom it is not.

Many, many people do not have these privileges.

I know this to be true having grown up with less privilege than now, but things I see in my daily life confirm it. My daughters friends parents, for whom English is a second language, are terrified.  It is hard for them to understand everything said about what is happening here, and their homeland - where most of their family still live - is not handling the pandemic well.  I've seen it when encountering someone at a supermarket over the last lockdown who didn't even know about Coronavirus.  They lived in an isolated place and did not use the internet.  Where this difference in privilege was most obvious yesterday was when I worked as a greeter at work next to the QR code at the entryway.

Not all retirees are this tech savvy

Many older customers were afraid of the QR code.  They thought that because they did not have the app they would not be allowed into the store.  They have become so used to being excluded due to lack of technology that they actually believed this.  They saw the QR code and were either angry or scared.  And it was heartbreaking.  I also saw a young woman pretend to scan the QR code with her phone.  Probably because I was there and she was scared I was judging her.  We also had customers afraid they would not be allowed in if they weren't wearing a mask.  I told a few anxious people where they could buy masks.  I helped someone use the app for the first time.  I did my absolute best to reassure folk struggling with our new normal that they were welcome and that I for one was not judging them.

But many are judging.

My colleague told me of an incident she witnessed at a butchers shop during level 3.  Where someone attacked another customer for adjusting her mask in a store where mask wearing was compulsory.  That the attack turned racial, attributing blame to a specific community* for the current Auckland cluster.  We have had customers act as though certain staff members were contaminated, purely because of the colour of their skin.  Customers literally saying they wouldn't use the eftpos machine because a specific staff member had touched it.  I was tagged in a Facebook post and called a bully because I had disagreed with someone's anti-lockdown stance.

While these things may shock folk who haven't encountered it, it is important to remember there is a reason for these attitudes.  And that reason is fear.

We are entering a time like none most people living have experienced.  And this is a global experience.  With the arrival of the internet we are more connected than ever before.  For those with access there is a flood of information available.  Whatever information we choose to believe, change and uncertainty is scary.  Humans naturally respond in certain ways to fear: fight, flight or freeze.  And here in Aotearoa, and many other Westernised nations the culture of attributing blame is very real.  When something goes wrong instead of asking 'Why did this happen?' many ask 'Who did this?'  Rather than focusing on solving the problem, many tend to fixate on who caused it.  And whoever they deem that to be becomes the target of their fight response.

And it is hard not to let fear dictate what we do.  While I work hard to avoid our 'blame' culture, I struggle with fear.  Not only am I human, but I have an anxiety disorder.  While I understand when my fear is irrational most of the time, I still struggle with managing the 'fight or flight' signals my body sends me.  So when I had stepped away from the internet only to come back to being tagged in a post where I was called a bully, I did not respond in the best way.  While I never attacked this person, I also did not take on board how scared she was.  I am used to healthy debates on differing ideas on social media.  I did not think to apologise.  Clearly she was overwhelmed with information.  She felt unsafe and attacked on her Facebook page.  Even though I did not technically do anything wrong, I should have recognised how upset she was, apologised, and moved on.

Because having not done so, I became the target of her fight, flight or freeze response.  This means she is even less likely to tolerate any information that goes against her existing mindset.  This means all of the stats, links, evidence, logic and hope I provided her with are completely useless.  And it isn't because she is stupid.  It's because she is human, and she is scared.

So how do we counter this fear?

With kindness and compassion**.  With understanding and communication.  None of us are perfect and we are not going to get things right all the time, but we can try and do better.  If we see someone not wearing a mask at the supermarket, rather than flicking them a scowl, we should give a smile.  And we can wonder why.  What do they not have access to?   Maybe they are struggling to adjust to a world of masked faces?  Maybe they are trying to normalise things for their kids?  When you see alternative info shared online, consider why they are sharing it.  How much education does this person have?  Is it easier to believe this than the reality of our current situation?  Is it easier to believe what is happening in the US is just 'fake news?' than facing the idea of mass graves?

Rather than prodding this fear we must understand where it comes from.  We can refrain from posting memes*** that exacerbate it, or reacting to memes that propagate it.  We can share balanced information that does not attribute blame.  Or, we can share information that helps others understand their privilege better, or the very real lack of privilege others experience which is exacerbated by our current situation.  And when sharing, understand that this will not be accessible to everyone you know.  We can help when we are asked to help, and we can step back when we are not.  We can recognise our privilege and not judge those who may not share it.

And we can stop focusing so much on blame and start focusing on problem solving.  We can follow the advice of experts and do simple things - hand washing, social distancing, staying home when we are sick****, mask wearing in situations where we can't easily distance.  We can focus on doing the best job we can at this - on setting a good example.  As I constantly say to my kids 'Please focus on what you're doing, not on what she (their sister) is doing'. 

The more we alienate ourselves from each other, the less likely it is that this 'team of 5 million' can come together and work toward beating this thing.  For us to be a team, we need to work together regardless - we need to help each other.  Regardless of our political beliefs, regardless of what we have or do not have.  Because if we don't, we are contributing to the problem.

Now this is a meme I can get behind!

* I don't think I need to explain this further, but I do need to reiterate that these folk did absolutely nothing they weren't supposed to do, and I am so sorry that not only did they have to experience Covid firsthand, but the massive, unwarranted public backlash as well.

** I need to make it clear I do not mean that if you see attacks on others you should not intervene.  You absolutely should if it is safe for you to do so.  But you should do it in the kindest way possible.  You have to recognise these actions come from fear, and articulate from a place of caring.  It is never ok to abuse someone because of your assumptions about them.  That abuse should always be called out.  But you can try not to exacerbate the situation.

*** Yes, memes are fun because they simplify things people relate to.  The problem with this is that they encourage folk to 'pile on' that particular issue.  And often they are centred around people  The other problem is that they propagate our desire to attribute blame.  And this does not help anyone.

**** Please understand that this is absolutely a privilege that many will struggle to afford..  If you can do it, please do it.  But you cannot know the impact taking time off may have on others, whether missing that shift is the difference between eating that week or not.  If you have the privilege not to have to make these kinds of decisions, please understand the difficulty it places on those that do.

On Coping with being Unproductive

So like many folk, I'm in an unproductive glut.

And it's not just the Covid blues.

Am I affected by this?  Yes!  Absolutely.  Even here in Aotearoa where we are comparatively safe our world has been completely turned on its head.  Overseas travel?  Nope.  Family visiting for upcoming important events?  Unlikely.  Entire industries have had the carpet pulled out from under them.  Those birthing babies during Lockdown did so under extremely unexpected circumstances.  And many missed the opportunity to give their loved ones a final goodbye.

I think most of us will be affected by this to varying degrees.  And for those of us who work creatively, this can really impact our ability to work.  Right now I am struggling not to compare myself to others.  The onslaught of amazing creative ventures (like this) posted regularly on social media makes it hard not to.  I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that everyone's needs are different.  Our circumstances may be different.  The way we work, is very likely different.  Our mental load, the time we have available to us, may be different.  Our coping mechanisms may be different.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental load.  As someone who juggles family and work commitments, I always do.  But right now it's different.  There is the added load of not only adjusting to life during a pandemic, but parenting through a pandemic.  And recently we added another ball to those currently up in the air.

Murray was diagnosed with epilepsy late last year.  It was not a shock based on previous history, but it has meant we've had to make some significant changes to our family's lives.  And after a couple of specialist visits, tests and some medication and lifestyle adjustments, Murray is still having seizures.  One of the fantastic things for us about Lockdown was that Murray could finally work from home.  We had been trying to get his work to put things in place so this could happen for over a month before, and suddenly, all the previous barriers disappeared almost overnight.  And there was a short reprieve from seizures.

At Waihi Beach just after Level 2 was announced
(we had left for holiday just before this happened)

But it was short.  Now we are a household juggling multiple needs.  We are juggling both mine and Murray's medical needs*.  We are juggling both of our mental health needs.  We are trying to manage our workplace relationships - both of us have had to take time off suddenly to manage health or childcare.  And while we both have very supportive workplaces, this still feels hard**.  As parents, we are doing our best to meet our children's multitudinous needs while still paying the bills and keeping up with the washing.  And we're still trying to make sure we have fun things to look forward to.

The catch 22 of Murray working from home more is that I have less time where I am completely alone.  And this is the best condition for me to get creative work done in.  Unlike many creatives, I am not a night owl.  I cannot stay up until 3am painting or writing or making.  After about 8pm I am done for the day.  All my brain is good for is laughing at sitcoms.  The best time for me to work is during the day with as little interruption as possible.  Equally, Murray's health is so much better when he works from home - Lockdown proved that.  The ideal compromise would be that Murray works from home three days a week with two of those being when I am at work but that's just not feasible.  Wellness does not conform to any schedule.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the decision making aspect of things.  Do we need a bigger house?  Can we afford a bigger house with the impact health is having on our ability to work?  How much do we expect of our children in terms of managing/understanding seizures?  Should I take on more hours to lighten Murray's workload?  What is feasible?  What is best?  What sort of future should we be preparing for?

And the guilt.  The guilt over whether I am making the right decisions for our family.  The guilt about ordering Ubereats because I'm too tired to cook or drive - spending money we may well need for more important things tomorrow.  The guilt about not doing better as a partner to someone who is having a shit time.  The guilt about calling work to say I can't come in because Murray isn't well enough to look after the kids.  That feeling that I am failing everyone, that I have left tasks incomplete.  That I can never do or be enough.  I know that this guilt doesn't help anyone but it's really, really hard to shake.

A power pole on the lawn.  Just so thankful no-one was hurt  

And I have this weird guilt about how I process.  When bad stuff happens, instead of reacting emotionally, I just manage the practical aspects of it.  And while this means I'm not bad to have around in an emergency, it does make me question my own humanity.  A few weeks ago I had a week so full of unexpected events that my life sounded like a week of Shortland Street.  Regular not great things happened, but also more than one extremely unlikely traumatic event.  After watching a power pole fall toward the house I called out to Murray 'The powerpole just fell.  You need to call Vector.' And he laughed because while the kids were screaming around me there was no emotion in my speech.  I just sounded resigned to this fact, exhausted.  I did not cry that week but I did feel absolutely shattered.

And I still am.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

And when I read back over what I have just written and take a step back I'm not surprised.  It is a lot.  Whilst I have been creatively unproductive, my hands have been pretty full.  My brain has been so full it has literally been shutting itself down early so it can recharge and regroup.  And while my to-do list is endlessly overflowing it is understandable that I just let that be.  That I ignore the list and rest when I can.

And while my circumstances are likely different to yours - most of us have a lot more on our plates than we were expecting.

While I think at times it is easy, positioned as we are in the pandemic, to ignore the devastation rolling out overseas, it's still there in our subconscious.  If you are distancing yourself from this reality it may be because processing this change, this massive loss, is overwhelming.  Maybe this feeling comes out in how we feel about wearing PPE at work.  Maybe it impacts how strongly we feel about folk returning home to New Zealand.  Maybe it comes out in how much contact we have with friends and family overseas.  Regardless of how you are personally affected by Covid-19, it will have an impact.

While we (thankfully) do not feature on this list
       that doesn't mean this doesn't affect us.

And I think it's good to take a step back and look at that.  Assess just how full your hands are.  How much more you have to process these days.  How fair are you being on yourself?  I think right now everyone should be doing their best to be kind to themselves and understanding of others.  Now is the time more than ever to just focus on just living each day the best we can with what we have available.  And if that just means getting out of bed and brushing our teeth, or managing to make beans on toast, then that is enough.

It is important to remember that what we going through is in many ways, unprecedented.  Yes, there have been pandemics, but not on such a global scale.  We now live in a more globally connected era than ever before so this impacts on so many things we take for granted in our daily lives: imports, exports, tourism, the ability to travel.  Yes, we may be safer here in New Zealand, but that doesn't mean we are not affected.  Even if we try to distance ourselves from the changes ahead, from the unimaginable scale of loss, we still feel it.  The impact is catastrophic, and while we may not be conscious of it, it leaves a mark.

So regardless of your personal situation, it really is ok to just focus on the basics.  It's ok not to have all the answers to the questions your kids are asking.  It's ok to just hug them and say 'I don't know.  It is scary.'  It's ok if you aren't coping as well as your neighbour is.  It is ok to need time to process this. It's ok to take time to rest.

* Thankfully mine are minimal currently.  This endo thing is a rollercoaster for sure, but right now I'm in a sweet patch and have been for some time which is a huge blessing.  I also have a new GP who is really up to date with current research and has me using more effective medication (when I need it) which really makes a difference.

** It really, really triggers my anxiety as I don't like letting people down and work is very busy right now.

Live Below The Line: Day 5

So Friday was our last day of this challenge.

And while I learned a lot from doing this, I am not unhappy to see the back of it.  This is tough!  While it's not as tough as when I did the Ration Challenge a few years ago, it was still harder than I thought it would be, which was an eye opener.

Before doing the challenge I knew that it would be tough having to say 'no' to things.  I knew it would be tough going without even if I was hungry.  What I only knew after doing it, and analysing my diet afterward was exactly how much nutrition I would miss out on.  It's a lot more than I thought it would be.  I can appreciate a little better the challenges faced living on so little - and there are an increasing number of them in these unstable economic times.

   While pies are an affordable option at just over $1 per serve, they aren't exactly healthy..




Murray struggled with this - but he did get through.  I asked him a few questions this morning on how he found it:

Hannah: What did you miss eating the most?
Murray: Pies*

Hannah: And what was it that you missed most over all?
Murray: Just being able to snack.  Like, being able to get something from the pantry when I was hungry.

Hannah: How did eating this way impact you the most?
Murray: I was really tired.

Hannah: And what do you think the consequences would be of living like this long-term?
Murray: I don't imagine it would be very healthy.  Missing out on fruit.

A man of few words.

Anyhow, this is my analysis of specifically how much would be needed to boost this to a livable level.

The second cheapest apples at Pak-n-Save

Firstly, fruit.  I could afford one piece of the cheapest, in season, fruit for each of us a day.  In order to boost this to what is required, I need to boost it by the cost of one piece of fruit per person - preferably different to the other piece of fruit.  I have costed this by what is easily accessible to most - supermarket prices - and at a reliable per kg price.  So I went with apples at $1.99 per kg (they are sometimes half this price, but not reliably so).  To do this, we need to add another 38 cents per person per day to this budget.

Cheapest dairy available            

Secondly - and this was the thing we missed out most on - we need to add extra for dairy or dairy equivalents.  We were averaging about 1/4 of our daily requirement with what we had.  One serving of milk costs about 44 cents, my usual cheap dairy alternative costs 67 cents per serve.  The cheapest yoghurt costs a whopping 56 cents per serve, and cheese costs 55 cents per serve.  So the very least we could increase this by to meet this need is 66 cents per day - but for variety and health this should be closer to 77 cents.

We managed to make our protein quota most days, but it wasn't always healthy.  In an ideal world I would up this by about 21 cents - half the cost of a barn egg - per day.  This could equally be spent on healthier chicken, fish or beef options if used in meals that can be frozen and spread across a few weeks, or on nuts or tofu for those who opt not to eat meat.

And fibre... On review I could have made better decisions regarding the fibre I chose to use.  Brown rice is the same price as white rice, but takes longer to cook.  As like many who are time poor, I sacrificed nutrition for time.  Brown bread equally costs the same as white bread in the cheap bread stakes, and while we did eat brown bread, it was still cheap bread, full of sugar and other not ideal stuff.  Ideally, you'd have enough to buy slightly healthier loaves.  And ideally you'd have enough to indulge in different grains every now and again.  Grains are not too expensive.  I'd just add another 20 cents per day to make these more accessible.

I'm not adding anything for veges.  We did manage to make this quota most days - apart from when we were being fussy.  If you buy seasonally, and stick with the specials, this is achievable on this budget.  But to do this, other areas are sacrificed.  It's a hollow achievement when so much else is being missed out on. 

Carrots and onions are not super exciting,
but they are reasonably priced.

Given that an unhealthy diet is the highest preventable risk for poor health in Aotearoa, no-one should knowingly have so little money that they cannot eat healthily.  I mean, it's just straight up crazy.  The cost to our health system at the other end surely outweighs the cost of basic foods.  And this is not taking into account the cost poor health has on quality of life.  And while the majority of us do not live like this, many of us still do.  In fact, one in seven Kiwi households lives below the line.  That's a lot of Kiwis who are not having their basic nutritional needs met through no fault of their own.

At a minimum I'd say you need an extra $1.45 per adult per day to make this food budget able to meet nutritional needs.  This brings the total to $4.25 per day to get the nutrition needed - that's $29.75 per week per adult up just $9.80 on what is considered the current poverty line.  Remember, an average family of four spends $290 on food per week - for an equivalent family, this is still less than 1/3 of that.  It does not take much to lift a family from living without nutrition to just scraping by.

Going out for a coffee is a very important thing for some folk

But this is the minimum.  It does not leave room for price increases.  It does not leave room for cooking mishaps.  It does not leave room for days when you're too tired to cook, or are tired of eating rice or just feel like eating something more hearty.  It doesn't leave room for socialising - for having a friend over for a meal or going out for a coffee** - let alone a meal.  An extra $3 or $4 a week could change this.  It would allow for a coffee once a fortnight with friends, or to buy an extra can of beans, or a pie for those days when you're just not feeling it.  You could make an extra portion of a meal, or make a bigger meal to share with friends in potluck style.  An extra $3 would add the ability to be a little more like other people.  Which would make interacting with other people more comfortable.  To not be having to have others pay all the time.  To feel a little less trapped.  If I had $35 a week to feed myself - I think I would be ok.

Yes, the permanent increase of $25 to the base benefit will help with this.  Free school lunches will help with this.  But other things need to occur for this to be helpful.  Rent, food and power prices need to stabilise.  Transport costs need to stop rising.  Minimum wage should be a living wage.  And while rental rates are frozen at the moment, and public transport costs lowered, these are not long term solutions.  While $25 will make a significant difference to someone living on their own, it will be just a drop in the bucket for bigger families.

For those of us who are spending that average amount, for whom having so little is almost inconceivable, we are in a position to make a difference.  Firstly, we can give.  If we can survive on $10 less a week for food which given the example above, many of us can - we can give that to those who need it more.  By donating food to places like the Salvation Army and St Vincent De Pauls, which you can do at most supermarkets these days.  Or by making regular donations to KidsCan - you can start this from as little as $15 per month - this is achievable for many of us.  Or we can just check in with our friends and whanau that have less than we do, and see if they're doing ok.  Charity begins at home.

But the biggest thing we can do costs us nothing at all.  We can vote.  We can vote with those most in need at the heart of our vote.  We can vote to raise these households to a livable standard.  We can vote to fill hungry tummies, to lift the burdens from those single parents having to calculate every meal, every day, by themselves with no break ever in sight.  If we lift these people up, think of the possibility of not only their futures, but our future as a country.  These children could be our future academics, our sports heroes, our teachers, our changemakers.  What are we missing out on when we do not give these one in seven households the same opportunities we have?  We are missing something greater than tax breaks.  We are missing our humanity.  And we have the ability, every single one of us, to make a difference.




* While pies are an affordable option, on this diet, I was doing my best to meet our needs nutritionally, so I avoided them.

** You may not think of this as a necessity, but if you'd seen and spoken to the elderly folk that live around my work in the week following Lockdown you'd have some understanding of just how important this element of socialising is to many.  There is a coffee shop directly outside of my work and for many folk that live in the residential apartments nearby, a coffee and a chinwag with mates is just a part of their weekly routine.  One women in her 80's told me that she would not survive if she had to go into Lockdown again and she was dead serious.  It was because she missed getting out and socialising.  Socialising is a normal and important aspect of being human.

Live Below The Line: Day 4

So here is the funny thing that happened on Thursday.

A coffee and a muffin treat for me!

Last week at work I got an incentive for doing something good.  It was $10 for a coffee and a muffin.  I hadn't realised they meant it literally until they asked for the receipt today.  While I absolutely appreciate the kindness from my wonderful superiors I just don't usually buy coffee and muffins so just hadn't yet.  But then yesterday they needed the receipt for petty cash...  So I went and bought a coffee and a piece of cake which I could not eat.  I gave the coffee to a colleague in the lunchroom and popped the cake into the fridge.  I'm sure it'll still be good on Saturday and will be very welcome after this challenge has finished.

But lets get back on track.

I have eaten rice every day of this challenge.  And I will be eating it tomorrow too.  And there's a reason for that.  Like many folk with similar health issues I try to follow a low FODMAP diet to lessen the inflammation which causes me pain.  The thing with FODMAPS is that everyone's issues are different - usually only 2 - 3 groups of those six are an issue for most.  I used to have major problems with gluten.  Since having kids this has improved slightly, but I still try not to have it too much.  I have issues with lactose and some foods high in fructose.  The worst reactions I've had have been to things high in sulphites - particularly those used in sausages and salami.  So while I'm not allergic to any of this eating it can still cause me quite a bit of pain.

Coeliac symptoms in adults

Rice is a cheap, safe bet.  Gluten free bread and pasta was far to expensive to even consider.  If I were doing this challenge for longer I'd try to add in some other gluten free grains like sorghum or buckwheat - but at over double the price of white rice it's still a tough call.  One of the reasons our dairy intake has been so low is that I can't drink milk.  It makes me ill.  I had less than 1/4 of a cup per day over this challenge, and that was pretty much the max I can tolerate*.  I couldn't afford my usual almond milk.  There is no way anyone can have their dietary requirements met with so few funds, and folk with health issues are also unable to manage their health needs.

If you are a beneficiary you can apply for a disability allowance to help cover costs incurred for those with ongoing health issues.  You can use this to buy specialty foods.  When I worked at The Gluten Free Grocer I did WINZ quotes for families with Coeliac disease often.  Coeliac disease is an autoimmune disorder which affects about 1 in 70 Kiwis - this rate is higher here than in most parts of the world.  The consumption of gluten negatively impacts on their autoimmune system, meaning that eating it lowers their bodies ability to keep itself safe.  Between 10 - 30% of cancer patients also have an autoimmune disorder.  These have a huge impact on someone's quality of life and longevity.  Still, WINZ often rejected applications.  And if you were someone like me, where it was recommended by a Dr but not considered 'necessary', that rejection would be all the more likely.  When you are living on not enough, even an extra $10 a week makes a huge difference.  I always encouraged people to try.

So what did we eat on day 4?

We ate not a lot.  The protein filled night of day 3 did its job and I wasn't crazy hungry.  Murray also had a busy work day and just ran out of time for lunch.  So we didn't eat a lot, how was our nutrition?

Well, not great.  Even though the egg fried rice was full of veges, they would have only equated to one serving in the lunch version.  And daal, whilst delicious, healthy and filling contains just one serving of veg per serve.  Our protein was borderline - definitely a full serving in split peas, and maybe a half serving in the egg fried rice.  Fibre was still basic and we still cannot afford to eat any more fruit.  So it's probably a 1.5/5 day nutritionally.  So even though we both felt ok, eating like we did today is not going to serve us long term.

            Our daal and naan dinner - very delicious and affordable but not a lot of substance

So tomorrow I will write about the last day and also interview Murray to see what his thoughts were.  I know he found it tough - he hasn't had to eat on this restricted a diet in decades.  I'll also cost out how much more would be needed to meet nutritional needs for adults with our current economic conditions.

* I can eat some other dairy that is lower in lactose with no problems - like hard cheeses and yoghurt, but with so little funds this was just not an affordable option.