On Coping with being Unproductive

So like many folk, I'm in an unproductive glut.

And it's not just the Covid blues.

Am I affected by this?  Yes!  Absolutely.  Even here in Aotearoa where we are comparatively safe our world has been completely turned on its head.  Overseas travel?  Nope.  Family visiting for upcoming important events?  Unlikely.  Entire industries have had the carpet pulled out from under them.  Those birthing babies during Lockdown did so under extremely unexpected circumstances.  And many missed the opportunity to give their loved ones a final goodbye.

I think most of us will be affected by this to varying degrees.  And for those of us who work creatively, this can really impact our ability to work.  Right now I am struggling not to compare myself to others.  The onslaught of amazing creative ventures (like this) posted regularly on social media makes it hard not to.  I have to remind myself on an almost daily basis that everyone's needs are different.  Our circumstances may be different.  The way we work, is very likely different.  Our mental load, the time we have available to us, may be different.  Our coping mechanisms may be different.

Right now, I'm struggling with my mental load.  As someone who juggles family and work commitments, I always do.  But right now it's different.  There is the added load of not only adjusting to life during a pandemic, but parenting through a pandemic.  And recently we added another ball to those currently up in the air.

Murray was diagnosed with epilepsy late last year.  It was not a shock based on previous history, but it has meant we've had to make some significant changes to our family's lives.  And after a couple of specialist visits, tests and some medication and lifestyle adjustments, Murray is still having seizures.  One of the fantastic things for us about Lockdown was that Murray could finally work from home.  We had been trying to get his work to put things in place so this could happen for over a month before, and suddenly, all the previous barriers disappeared almost overnight.  And there was a short reprieve from seizures.

At Waihi Beach just after Level 2 was announced
(we had left for holiday just before this happened)

But it was short.  Now we are a household juggling multiple needs.  We are juggling both mine and Murray's medical needs*.  We are juggling both of our mental health needs.  We are trying to manage our workplace relationships - both of us have had to take time off suddenly to manage health or childcare.  And while we both have very supportive workplaces, this still feels hard**.  As parents, we are doing our best to meet our children's multitudinous needs while still paying the bills and keeping up with the washing.  And we're still trying to make sure we have fun things to look forward to.

The catch 22 of Murray working from home more is that I have less time where I am completely alone.  And this is the best condition for me to get creative work done in.  Unlike many creatives, I am not a night owl.  I cannot stay up until 3am painting or writing or making.  After about 8pm I am done for the day.  All my brain is good for is laughing at sitcoms.  The best time for me to work is during the day with as little interruption as possible.  Equally, Murray's health is so much better when he works from home - Lockdown proved that.  The ideal compromise would be that Murray works from home three days a week with two of those being when I am at work but that's just not feasible.  Wellness does not conform to any schedule.

The other thing I'm struggling with is the decision making aspect of things.  Do we need a bigger house?  Can we afford a bigger house with the impact health is having on our ability to work?  How much do we expect of our children in terms of managing/understanding seizures?  Should I take on more hours to lighten Murray's workload?  What is feasible?  What is best?  What sort of future should we be preparing for?

And the guilt.  The guilt over whether I am making the right decisions for our family.  The guilt about ordering Ubereats because I'm too tired to cook or drive - spending money we may well need for more important things tomorrow.  The guilt about not doing better as a partner to someone who is having a shit time.  The guilt about calling work to say I can't come in because Murray isn't well enough to look after the kids.  That feeling that I am failing everyone, that I have left tasks incomplete.  That I can never do or be enough.  I know that this guilt doesn't help anyone but it's really, really hard to shake.

A power pole on the lawn.  Just so thankful no-one was hurt  

And I have this weird guilt about how I process.  When bad stuff happens, instead of reacting emotionally, I just manage the practical aspects of it.  And while this means I'm not bad to have around in an emergency, it does make me question my own humanity.  A few weeks ago I had a week so full of unexpected events that my life sounded like a week of Shortland Street.  Regular not great things happened, but also more than one extremely unlikely traumatic event.  After watching a power pole fall toward the house I called out to Murray 'The powerpole just fell.  You need to call Vector.' And he laughed because while the kids were screaming around me there was no emotion in my speech.  I just sounded resigned to this fact, exhausted.  I did not cry that week but I did feel absolutely shattered.

And I still am.

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And when I read back over what I have just written and take a step back I'm not surprised.  It is a lot.  Whilst I have been creatively unproductive, my hands have been pretty full.  My brain has been so full it has literally been shutting itself down early so it can recharge and regroup.  And while my to-do list is endlessly overflowing it is understandable that I just let that be.  That I ignore the list and rest when I can.

And while my circumstances are likely different to yours - most of us have a lot more on our plates than we were expecting.

While I think at times it is easy, positioned as we are in the pandemic, to ignore the devastation rolling out overseas, it's still there in our subconscious.  If you are distancing yourself from this reality it may be because processing this change, this massive loss, is overwhelming.  Maybe this feeling comes out in how we feel about wearing PPE at work.  Maybe it impacts how strongly we feel about folk returning home to New Zealand.  Maybe it comes out in how much contact we have with friends and family overseas.  Regardless of how you are personally affected by Covid-19, it will have an impact.

While we (thankfully) do not feature on this list
       that doesn't mean this doesn't affect us.

And I think it's good to take a step back and look at that.  Assess just how full your hands are.  How much more you have to process these days.  How fair are you being on yourself?  I think right now everyone should be doing their best to be kind to themselves and understanding of others.  Now is the time more than ever to just focus on just living each day the best we can with what we have available.  And if that just means getting out of bed and brushing our teeth, or managing to make beans on toast, then that is enough.

It is important to remember that what we going through is in many ways, unprecedented.  Yes, there have been pandemics, but not on such a global scale.  We now live in a more globally connected era than ever before so this impacts on so many things we take for granted in our daily lives: imports, exports, tourism, the ability to travel.  Yes, we may be safer here in New Zealand, but that doesn't mean we are not affected.  Even if we try to distance ourselves from the changes ahead, from the unimaginable scale of loss, we still feel it.  The impact is catastrophic, and while we may not be conscious of it, it leaves a mark.

So regardless of your personal situation, it really is ok to just focus on the basics.  It's ok not to have all the answers to the questions your kids are asking.  It's ok to just hug them and say 'I don't know.  It is scary.'  It's ok if you aren't coping as well as your neighbour is.  It is ok to need time to process this. It's ok to take time to rest.

* Thankfully mine are minimal currently.  This endo thing is a rollercoaster for sure, but right now I'm in a sweet patch and have been for some time which is a huge blessing.  I also have a new GP who is really up to date with current research and has me using more effective medication (when I need it) which really makes a difference.

** It really, really triggers my anxiety as I don't like letting people down and work is very busy right now.

On the reality of coping with Covid-19

While my blog post out-put started out strong in lockdown, over the last month I've found it hard to write.  I have struggled to do any creative writing.  While I have written a couple of poems that I am happy with I have struggled to work on existing short stories.  They sit untouched and unfinished in a folder on the computer which I've hidden so I don't have to look at it and feel guilty.

Like many of us, I'm doing my best to be positive about our current reality.  The benefits of my long mental health history is that I have a lot of tools available that I know work for me.  So I'm utilising them.  Maintaining a positive outlook isn't that hard for me.  But that doesn't mean this doesn't affect me.  It might be less obvious but I am struggling.

On holiday in Athenree just before lockdown was announced (maintaining social distancing)

And that's unsurprising.  I think that most of us, whether we have diagnosed mental illnesses or not will struggle with what is happening.  Our lives have been turned upside down and we've all had to make massive adjustments in a very short space of time.  Our family went from preparing for our first international holiday, to leaving the substituted local holiday early to prepare for lockdown.  To prepare for not seeing our friends or family.  To prepare for not having access to some of the things we take for granted.  When I should have had four days alone in the Rarotonga sun, I was supporting my kids in learning from home.  We have less support, less space and little certainty as to what the future will bring.

And I'm privileged.  Missing a holiday is a total FWP.  Many are facing much harder realities.  Domestic violence rates are up.  14 women and 2 children have been murdered in the first three weeks of UK lockdown.  Women* are literally trapped in with their abusers.  Single parents are managing their children without support.  Single parents working from home are multitasking in extremely stressful circumstances.  Many elderly folk are struggling to access services in a world which is now largely lived online.  Job losses, pay cuts and industry instability threaten.  Unemployment rates are predicted to leap from 4% to 8.5% with some predictions as high as 13%. The reality is that most of us are having to cope with unexpected change.  We are all processing a loss of some kind.

Because even though there are positives to the world slowing down, this is no less true.  I am processing a loss of space and a loss of support.  Many are processing a loss of choice and flexibility and many are processing a loss in income or their livelihood.  And living in New Zealand we are privileged.  Only 19 people have lost their lives here to Covid-19.  And while this is a great loss, and it is awful for all their loved ones, in many places it is worse.  In the US, over 63,000 have died from covid-19.  Many people worldwide are not only processing the same losses we are here, but also the loss of friends and whanau.  They may have lost their sense of safety, or sense that those they care for are safe.  Or suffered a loss of faith in their health system or their government. The losses from this pandemic are too many to name.  The losses are hard to fathom.

Etta is making her bed every day          

And we all cope with that loss differently.  In our bubble Murray copes by putting extra effort into work, and playing more games with his online communities.  I cope by preparing for the worst; working in the garden, being frugal with food and finance and budgeting for multiple scenarios.  Etta is focused on school work and (a new development) cleaning.  Abby copes by eating, watching too much TV and having extra cuddles.  While there are aspects to our coping mechanisms that are useful, for the most part, they are just distractions.  We are not processing the issues at hand.  But at a time of such uncertainty what more can we do?

We are doing our best to support our kids emotionally, but it's tough.  We are trying to support them in feeling their feelings and those feelings are very big right now.  This is to be expected.  Whilst Etta is smart and has a basic understanding of what is happening she is not emotionally equipped to deal with it.  Because she's only six years old.  While she understands why she can't see or hug her BFF, she can't process the reality of living like this.  She has tried to 'trick' us into seeing her BFF or other friends.  It has been awful watching her face as she sees her ruses fail.  And while she can chat to her friends on video phone this is still difficult.  While it gives her that contact she craves, it simultaneously reminds her of her loss.  The nights after those video calls are full of tears and a child struggling to manage her current reality.

Our bubble kitted crazy for Wacky Wednesday

While Etta's lack of coping is obvious, none of us are coping.  Our 'not coping' just looks differently.  For me, it comes in the form of feeling exhausted** and irritable and doing weird things.  For Murray, it's struggling with past addictions.  And while Abby seems ok most of the time, if triggered by what she misses most (my Mum) she becomes a sobbing mess.  In an unprecedented situation, how do you know how to deal with this?  How do your manage your wellness when everyone is falling apart?

I honestly don't know.  If you have to live just minute to minute that's a way.  If you have to smile to stop yourself from crying, that's a way.  If you have to put your energy into helping others, that's a way (as long as you're not pissing them off in the process).  If you have to dress up in fancy costumes that's a way.  I've been writing ten things I'm grateful for each day, and spending time alone in nature - those things help me.  I have friends who have taken up running.  I have no simple solution.  The purpose of this is that I see so much focus on the positives (and I contribute to that) that I feel the need to remind folk that it's ok not to be ok right now.

The not-so-humble arsehole bird (spur winged plover) at almost dusk

Even if we can see the gains made*** it's still ok to feel that loss.  These two feelings can co-exist.  You can simultaneously feel gratitude while processing loss.

I do think that recognising and acknowledging that loss is a good starting point to finding a way to cope.  What have you lost?  How do you feel about this?  How are you acknowledging and managing those feelings?  Do you need support around this?  What support can you access at this time?  Do you need practical support with anything?  Obviously if you don't feel a sense of loss you don't need to ask these things, but it is just as important that you understand many, many people might.  It's totally ok to be ok too as long as you have compassion for others.

In uncertain times like now the best thing we can do is be kind.  Be kind to others.  Be kind to those in your bubble and those you love.  Be kind to those you don't understand.  Recognise that we all have different strengths and weaknesses, different experiences and different tools in our belts.  And most importantly be kind to yourself.  It's ok to be ok.  And it's ok to not be ok.  And right now it's enough just to be.

* You can say 'it's men too' as much as you want - and it is, but seldom as much as it is women.  In the UK 100% more women then men have been murdered due to domestic violence.

** There are physical reasons for this on top of the mental ones.  Both of the kids are waking more frequently overnight with nightmares.  And as Murray does not wake up (no fault of his, he just doesn't) I am the one getting up overnight.

*** And there are many - for the improvement of our environment, for the revitalisation of our wildlife, to remind us of what really matters, to teach us how simple it is for most of us to live differently.