On Joining The Gym

So I joined the gym.  This is a thing I never thought I'd do.  I've been a gym member once before.  That was 20 years ago.  I cannot remember for the life of me why I joined.  I think I was teaching aqua-aerobics around the same time so might have been on some weird fitness kick.  I went regularly for about a month.  Then there was a fire drill and I had to exit the gym.  I was mortified to be seen out in my gym clothes (lord forbid other humans see my bare arms).  I never went back.

Me in my moonboot at my cousins wedding.             
Oh to be so slender without trying again!                

Besides that my only gym experience has come from seriously injuring myself*.  This required months of physio - I had to learn to walk all over again.  This was a positive experience for me.  My time in the gym translated very literally to my body's ability to do normal stuff again.  Watching my progress was exciting.  Even though I really enjoyed my time in the gym, I didn't continue with it after physio as other aspects of my life pressed on both my time and finances.

I never thought I'd join a gym because I:
a) Dislike intentional exercise
b) Hate exercising in public

I'm oddly self conscious about people seeing me exercising.  I can pinpoint the specific incident this anxiety stems from, but this doesn't thwart the feeling.  I know my feelings are irrational - that what happened then is not happening now - but knowing this does not make those feelings disappear.  Just like the many other facets of my anxiety, it's an irrational, annoying constant.  You learn to live with the discomfort.

In gyms my self-conscious feelings compound.  Fit people go to gyms.  People with great bodies go to gyms.  I am neither fit nor buff and my inexperience with gym equipment sets me firmly as an outsider to the gym world.  When I was rehabbing my ankle at the Unitec gym it felt ok because I was almost always there with my physio.  She kept me focused.  Plus I had an obvious injury so I did not feel as if others would judge my performance.  On top of that, with it being a student gym the membership was diverse -it wasn't just fit people - there were people there just like me.

So when I joined the gym I promised myself I did not have to go.  It only cost $3 a week more to get access to the gym on top of the pool membership.  It seemed worth the gamble.  It's only $3.  If I can walk up those stairs to the gym even six months after joining, then it's worth it.  Because it gives me a reason to overcome that fear**.  Because I am a tight arse.  I was never going to be ok not utilising that $3 investment that I could better spend elsewhere.  I used a conscious subconscious trick to push myself to walk up those stairs.

Fancy equipment!  Well, any equipment is fancy to me...

And it worked.  It took me less than a month.  Last week I put on the running shorts I'd asked for for Christmas and climbed those stairs.  I introduced myself to the man at reception and he showed me around the cardio area.  Luckily, I had chosen a time to visit when the gym was fairly quiet.  This made it less scary.  And there were nice, big lockers I could just put my stuff in for free.  And the gym equipment was clean, modern and fancy.  And while most people fit my idea of what 'gym' folk look like they didn't seem to care I was there.  They were too busy working out.

Last week I walked up those stairs three times.  Not only that, but I actually exercised too.

The awesome thing about this particular gym is that it offers a series of five one-on-one sessions as part of the membership.  This is optional.  If you just want to get on a treadmill and do your thing, that's ok too.  But if you want the extra support, it's there.  I decided if I was going to come this far I might as well utilise the professional support available.  Given I have so little experience, even just from a safety perspective it makes sense.  I had my first appointment on Sunday.

The trainer I met with was lovely.  Relaxed, non-judgmental, relatable (impressive given I'm old enough to be his Mum and his interests are sports and mine are not) and friendly.  Being weighed and measured and asked personal health questions are things that are probably uncomfortable for quite a few people.  Especially folk going to the gym to get in shape.  He understood that, and was so chill and professional that it felt ok.  The only part I struggled with was watching my arm measurements being done.  I'd never seen my arms like that in a mirror before.  I hadn't realised how big they were.  But that was only one uncomfortable thing.  And maybe the more I do this uncomfortable stuff the less uncomfortable I will feel in the future.

I have lost 12 butters!       

Because taking those initial measurements gives me a place to work from.  And given I've already lost 6kg, it's likely my arms were even bigger than that a few months ago.  So who knows?  Maybe when I do another measure in a couple of months time they will be a bit smaller.  My arms are already feeling stronger.  All the regular swimming has tightened up the muscles on my thighs, and I can feel my shoulder muscles for the first time ever.  These are pretty exciting changes.

And I am hopeful that seeing these changes helps me want to stick with this gym business.  Even if I don't end up liking the personalised program they set for me, coming this far is a huge achievement.  In just one week I've discovered I like using cross trainers.  I've discovered I can do a cardio work out for half an hour without keeling over.  And just a few months in to regular swimming it's difficult to imagine my life without it in it.  Maybe this will happen with the gym too?

One study found up to 60% of women experience diastasis recti
   post-partum.  Super common, but seldom talked about.

For now, I am focused on the exciting parts of this lifestyle change.  I am excited about the improvements I've made in my swimming.  When I started, I was tired after swimming 500 meters.  Now, my standard session is at least 1000 meters.  I have visible muscles where there was just bulk before and (the most exciting improvement) after years of diastasis recti, and feeling like it would never get better, I no longer have abdominal separation.  Well, a little, but it's down to a 1cm gap which is far less than it used to be.

I still have a lot of weight to lose to hit my goal weight (about 13kg).  But even if I don't lose another gram I feel like I've accomplished a lot.  I'm starting to feel like I am enjoying life.  After years of struggling with my body, its changes and limitations, I'm starting to feel more invested in living inside it again.  Just overcoming my anxiety about going to the gym is pretty huge.  It shows me that I can just make a decision to try something different and uncomfortable.  It might not always work out, but it is absolutely worth the risk.


* I fractured my talus and tore a bunch of ligaments through my ankle misjudging a jump in a trampolining gym (why I was doing a trampolining class in the first place is a whole different story).  I fell from about 3 meters onto the solid edge of the trampoline.  I was in hospital for four days because they weren't sure what to do with me.  The kind of injury I had is termed a 'pilots fracture' as was common amongst pilots falling from planes during WWII

** And something to do when the swimming lanes are really busy or being used for waterpolo.