The true face of anxious/exhausted Mum Hannah
So Maternity Mental Health has been awesome and super supportive and has offered me a bunch of useful stuff going forward since the anxious Mums group finished up. So I have regular contact with my case manager and also regular one on one counseling with the woman who ran the anxiety group AND an upcoming couples workshop. And funnily, around the time I realised respite care was a thing and had a read online and then didn't know how to apply for/get it my case manager offered it to me.
And I was like 'YAY!' cos the main issue I have these days is just being super tired because Abby has still been only sleeping in 45 minute blocks during the day, and we haven't been able to stretch her wake-times much because of it which makes for a pretty full on day when you also have a full on toddler. And because our full on toddler is also a very routine kid, school holidays have really thrown her and she has been acting out something chronic*. So on a weekday when it's just me I am lucky to get 20 minutes where both kids are asleep to take a breath and be by myself, and I spend most of the rest of the day cleaning, and trying to avoid getting hit, or having things smashed.
And Abby is still co-sleeping and waking two to three hourly at night...
So consequently I'm shattered. So my immediate thoughts on respite were:
'YAY!' and 'YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!'
And because I am so tired my regular smart brain hadn't even considered anything other than that I would finally get some sleep and could maybe feel a little human again for a bit.
What I was hoping for from respite was maybe a couple of hours a few days where they look after your kids so you can sleep. But what respite actually is, is a full day (7 - 8 hours) three days in a row where someone comes to help mind your kids. So I said. Yes please! Without really thinking through the actuality of what that meant for me as someone with social anxiety.
The first thing that made it not work is that the respite carer was ill the day she was supposed to start so she didn't come. And while this is 100% not her fault it is still one of the least helpful things to happen to someone with anxiety. Cos I'd fully prepped myself for having someone I didn't know come to my house. I'd had a shower, I'd got the dishes done, put away and hung the washing out. The house was in a reasonable state and the kids were fed and not too feral. And this is by 9am (high five to me!) And then my careworker called to say that the respite carer wasn't coming. Again, no-one's fault but really threw me.
Because people with anxiety often don't cope very well with sudden changes. And I am one of those people, it made me unsure of what was happening for the rest of the week. And unsure makes me feel insecure and unsafe. Seriously, I have lists and blackboards and Excel spreadsheets and all kinds of ephemera to manage my day-to-day life so I don't totally freak out. So when a big thing changes it impacts heavily on me.
But I didn't want to give up so I agreed to have someone come and start the following day for a different three day block of time.
And she did come. And she was honestly great with the kids. But because I didn't know the 'rules' of how respite is supposed to work, and when I was supposed to rest, and how much one on one with both or each kids she was supposed to have or any parameters or guidelines or anything I couldn't relax. I did manage to have about an hour of rest/lie down time while Etta was napping, but for the rest of the time she was there I just kind of hovered, too scared to do much else or do housework even. And I wore pants all day because I was too anxious to wear my usual comfy pyjamas for fear of doing so in front of someone I didn't know.
And several random things made things worse:
1) -The respite lady didn't know about our dicky toilet flush, cos I didn't tell her, cos I forgot, cos I was anxious and jammed the buttons and ultimately broke the flush on our toilet so then our toilet wouldn't flush. And I wasn't mad at her just anxious because I then had a stranger in my home that didn't have a flushing toilet. (I think this would make normal people a bit anxious to be honest). And our toilet is still broken.
2) Our older cat has been super unhappy with the house renovations and started spraying in the house in random places so I keep finding random spots of cat wee and having to clean them and parts of our house smell which is hideously embarrassing and gross.
3) Because Etta is out of routine and generally having trouble going to bed cos of daylight savings she is tired. And having a new person there at naptime made things worse. And because of that she got super crazy at nap time and it took almost an hour to get her to go down for a nap. And that was stressful (nap time is not usually that dramatic).
4) Because Etta is crazy and I have anxiety any small comment the respite lady made I took to heart and felt like a terrible parent and couldn't articulate well why we did and didn't do certain things. And I felt bad that Etta still wasn't toilet trained. And I felt stupid. And this respite lady was honestly very lovely and not trying to make me feel terrible AT ALL I felt more anxious cos it really drove home how nuts I am.
And I didn't even realise how stressed I'd been until she left for the day and I melted into a puddle of exhausted tears and called my Mum. Cause I'd been working so hard to put on a front of being ok with this amazing help I've been given that I almost had fooled myself into thinking it was all ok. But it wasn't. And it was no-one's fault. And it was sooo frustrating because I'd pinned a lot of hopes on this being something that would help get me through, and my own inadequacies as a human being failed me. Again. Sigh.
And then I had to do one of the most stressful things ever. I had to talk to my care worker and explain that I couldn't have the respite lady back the next day. But before that, I had to tell my husband, who I think will also have pinned some of his own hopes and dreams on this respite stuff I couldn't have her back. And I felt awful and guilty and ungrateful and generally like a bad person.
But I did it. And Murray was absolutely fine and understanding and fantastic. And I was too scared to call my care worker (phone calls are not my friend) so I text her work number. And when I heard back from her (next day, because by the time I procrastinated and thought about what to say and cried and freaked out she will have turned off her work phone cos it was 7.30pm) she was also great and understanding and ok. And I kinda knew that this would be the case, but because I'm in hyped anxious state from the respite lady being here my sane brain doesn't work very good.
But there have been some fantastic outcomes from this failed respite situation.
The first one being that on Tuesday I was a bit pissed about the changes to the plans so I was like 'You know what? I'm gonna make my own respite. Fuck you world'. And for the first Tuesday that my firstborn was away at her Nana and Poppa's I genuinely took a day of rest. I watched back to back TV shows and had a lie down and played with Abby and apart from making dinner, and the epic pre-9am-dash-to-make-house-ok-before-respite-came I did naught. And the sky did not fall on my head. And everything was ok.
The second one being that this morning Mum was here (yay Mum!) and Etta told me to 'Go away Mummy' so I did. I went away and I had a bath (Abby was asleep). And while I was in the bath, relaxing and shaving my legs for the first time in forever I thought about stuff. The first thought was if I could rest this Tuesday while Etta was at Nana's, there's no reason why I can't rest every Tuesday. So I will try and do that in future. And while I don't get more sleep (cos 45 minute naps) I do get time to myself to just chill, which is still very helpful.**
And then I thought maybe I can do this more often when Mum's here - just have a bath. And if I try and be more assertive I can nap when Etta naps when Mum's here. I find this tricky because it's nice to have time alone with Mum without Etta to just chat (Etta says 'no talking' to us so often it's like a mantra) - so it's easy to just not get to nap. Because I love talking to my Mum, and it's good for both of our brains. But I think, for the time being, I need to prioritise that sleep time until I'm feeling a little more sane.***
And had I not had the respite lady come and make me crazy and freak out I probably would never have come to any of those realisations about the 'respite' I have already available at hand and how the real issue is that I'm not utilising it the best way possible. So while yesterday things felt quite raw and traumatic, today I am feeling grateful for that experience and like I've made an epic discovery which means I will have respite every week. Which is amazing.
So at the end of the day I'm a super lucky lady. And while anxiety trumped support, I've found ways of better using the support I already have from my whanau (who are amazing just by the way).
* I don't know how your toddler acts out, but for ours it's screaming, throwing (chairs, toys, anything she can lift), hitting (others and herself). And it can last from anywhere from a few minutes to an hour. And if you try and offer her anything it feeds the tantrum. So the best way to manage it is to remove all dangerous objects from her path of destruction, be available to comfort her when she's ready, and get her to help you tidy up the other destruction once she's really, really calmed down (not before, or it'll set her off again). So what I'm saying here is that she's full on.
** What currently happens is I run errands and I clean and I take a little time to myself, but generally run about like a mad thing the rest of the time so don't end up feeling all that rested at the end of the day. Which is silly really, but soooo easy to do with a family and a never ending list of jobs to do which are MUCH easier generally when you are sans toddler.
*** And we have Netflix now, and I've shown Mum how to use it so I feel way less guilty about leaving her in the lounge with nothing to do while sometimes all the rest of us are napping. Because Orange is the New Black is fucking awesome. And yes, I know, I'm WAY behind the ball on that one.
