Week 1 of the 30 Day Painting Challenge

So I decided to take on the 30 Day Painting Challenge this month.  Because my last attempt at an art project did not go so well, I decided to simplify so that this time I would actually manage to get through the whole project and not go crazy - especially considering there's an extra kid in the mix these days.

Because I have little time and little personal space, any kind of big painting project is just not feasible (toddlers and oils?  Are you kidding me?)  So small-scale watercolours was the obvious medium of choice.  For me this is almost new territory.  I've never really explored watercolour and am very excited to explore them.  In terms of subject matter I needed something that was easily sourced and required no brain.  As Etta has just gotten the painting bug at Playcentre I thought hey, why not do that thing that's been done many times before, and replicate her drawings/paintings myself.

At the end of the project I'll post images of her paintings that I've used as inspiration for this project.

Day 1: Orange Bird

 Day 2: Bent Crochet Hook with Wool

Day 3: Green and Orange

Day 4: Serendipity

Day 5: Snake Invasion

Day 6: Orange laser worm

Day 7: Blue  Llama

Man!  This week went fast like most weeks these days.  I didn't find the challenge that hard - but I did find sitting with paintings I don't like hard.  When you are out of practice of making vast quantities of work regularly and knowing you'll probably only like a few of them, it's hard.  I had a great difficulty not to overwork things, as the subject matter was simple, and seemed like it was not enough.  Many of these appear overworked to me.  I do think Blue Llama is the pick of the bunch now, and a good starting point to go into week 2 with.

On 'Just Having One Of Those Weeks'

Sigh.

So between last Monday and this these things happened:

1) A routine blood test turned into a specialist appointment
2) I realised I am losing my hair
4) I got a concussion

And because I am currently concussed, I'll keep this brief.

So just over a week ago I went to see my Dr as thought I was anemic again cos have been having quite serious dizzy spells.  Because I feel like I practically live at the Drs and it's hard going with two kids I put off going for a while as was pretty sure this is what the issue was - which sucks, but is not serious.  So when I got the text to go in to discuss my blood results that's what I thought I was  going in for.

But I was wrong.  Turns out this Dr (unlike other Drs) tested my thyroid function and it was not good.  She was expecting me to know what she was talking about, but given this is the first time it's come up I had no idea.  She referred me on to an endocrinology specialist, put me on a small dose of meds (didn't want to mess with stuff too much until I've seen the specialist) and sent me on my way.

So I felt a bit shell shocked.  On getting home and resorting to Dr Google I felt a little better but still felt a bit side swiped by new medical information.  I have never been more grateful for medical insurance.  It means I'm seeing the specialist this Thursday.  So while I know it's probably nothing serious, it's still nice to know that I'll know for sure sooner rather than later.

A couple of days after this I got out of the shower, looked in the mirror and noticed my bald patches.  They have probably been there for a while - just shows how often I look in the mirror!  My hair had been falling out over the last month, but I thought nothing of it as I remember 'the thinning' from after having Etta - a pretty normal thing post baby once the baby hormones start to change.  The last thinning was not like this one though.  This time I actually have patches where the hair has thinned so much you can see my scalp - and it's right at the front of my hairline!

If you have followed my blog for a long while you'll know that a while ago I did Shave for a Cure - I have absolutely no issue with having no hair (besides the fact it gets bloody cold).  But again, this was a blindside - experiencing real hair-loss just after turning 34 is not something I really considered would happen to me.  I didn't have a cry about it, but I did spend a little bit of time fretting about what it looked like and how to style my hair so you couldn't see the patches.  Which is ridiculous given I hadn't even noticed myself for who knows how long.  Now I've cut my hair just to minimise the damage to our drains (you don't want to know how much hair was stuck in our bath drain) and am feeling ok about it. 

The hair loss is likely linked to the thyroid stuff.  And once we know what's causing that I should be able to grow that hair back and feel normal again.  So that's pretty cool.

And then yesterday I was popping outside to hang out my net curtains* BAM.  I slip on our paving stones and smack my head into the underside of our deck on the way down.  I didn't pass out but it did take me a while to fish myself out from the bamboo cut-off pile under our deck and assess the damage.  Initially, it was my arse I was most worried about.  I fell pretty hard and copped a nice butt-bruise in the process.  My head was sore, but ok.  We decided to assess whether or not I needed to get it checked out in a few hours.

Murray is a pro at concussions having suffered many himself.  And because he's had a few I'm pretty up to date with my concussion knowledge.  I started having serious light and sound sensitivity so we first called Healthline to check if I should get checked out.  And then we got checked out.  I was really glad I did as I hadn't thought about my neck at all the in the scheme of things, and due to how I fell, and where there was pain I had to get a neck xray just to be safe.

So yeah.  I do have a concussion and I can officially confirm from experience that they are not fun.  I am so glad I have the backing of a medical professional as I've not been able to do anything all day.  For the first time since I had food poisoning when I was pregnant, I literally spent most of the day in bed.  I haven't even been able to read.  Concussion feels a little bit like being on drugs you don't want to be on.  Everything is a bit disconnected and fuzzy.  I've been getting some words mixed up.  My brain can be slow in getting the words out I want to say.  It's very frustrating and tiring being concussed. 

I am so glad to have had help from Mum over yesterday and today.  She and Murray have been great looker afterers of me during this time.  Small people don't understand brain injury and sound sensitivity.  And my small people are loud, and not used to being told off for being loud (we encourage sound play in our house).  In saying that, Etta's been fantastic today.  And Abby too!  Turns out Gripe water really helps her to sleep.  My only-naps-in-45-minute-bursts baby napped for three hours today.  Thank you gripe water for helping me get rest today!

So yeah, it's been a bit of an eventful and sucky week but we do have exciting and happy making things on the horizon.  Tomorrow I start a 30 day painting project.  Wish me luck!  Hoping it works out better than last time I attempted a similar thing (I've simplified, so it should).

* We had a Smartvent system installed on Monday so am now on a window and mould cleaning bender as it has made an AMAZING difference and I'd love to totally rid the house of grossness once and for all.

Life List

The other day I realised I have a list of things I want to achieve in my life.  It's just in my head though.  So thought it might be a good idea to record it somewhere.  And hey!  Why not record it somewhere others can see it in case they can help me achieve my dreams!

So far I have actually achieved a few of the things I had on an earlier 'head list'.  I have bought my own home!  Epic thing I've wanted to do since I was a kid.  And I own a matching jug and toaster THAT I LIKE.  Sounds crazy, but it's one of those things.

Anyway.  Here is my list. (I plan to add to this as I think of more things):

1) Be a zombie that gets killed in a zombie movie/tv show
2) Renovate/paint my own home
3) Live in a house that has a (working) gallery in it
4) Start my own business
5) Record a (good/coherent/not crap) EP of my own music
6) Travel to/through Italy and Greece
7) Drive a bulldozer
8) Have an art exhibition (like, a real proper grown up one not at Unitec)
9) Have a treasure chest full of real money
10) Have a rose garden grown from cuttings
11) Have my own dress-ups wardrobe
12) Write a cookbook
13) Shoot a clay pigeon
14) Stealth plant vegetables in useful/public places (like roadsides)
15) Have chickens
16) Write a (good) book
17) Publish a (good) book
18) Smash a wall with one of those giant hammer things
19) Ride in a monster truck
21) Pat a cheetah
22) Visit the Amazon and spot some wildlife
23) Compete in a Karaoke competition for money
24) Teach my kids where food comes from
25) Be a fun/embarrassing parent

If you think of anything I should add to this list let me know.  I'm sure there's plenty of important stuff missing!

My sexy jug/toaster combo.  Oh yeah!

On Not Being Ok

So I wasn't lying that other time when I said I was ok.  I was.  Truly.  But now I'm not.  That's the fun thing about mental illness.  It's all swings and roundabouts and it never, ever stops.

The awesome thing about having been through this all before though is that I am slowly learning to recognise when I'm not ok a little earlier.  So what that means is that while I'm not ok at the moment, I'm not terrible.  I'm not dangerous.  I'm not crazy - I just know that if I don't do anything I will no doubt become so in time.  And because of my history, and because I am already on medication for anxiety (sertraline - only relatively 'safe' one for pregnancy/breastfeeding) shortly after telling my Dr I was not ok BAM!  There are phone calls from three different places all at once.

Because while the government is crappy and has removed much funding and resources for mental health (and health in general) it appears they are still a bit freaked out about Mums killing their babies.  So while I'm not at MDK* level as yet, it's nice to know that they will still step in to check and ensure my family is safe.**

And they are.  I don't want to even be seen as someone's 'mad Mum' so I managed to access help BEFORE it got to totally that crazy person point.

*                            *                            *                            *                               *                            *       

As things stand now, I'm actually really good.  I started writing this post a few weeks ago, but haven't had time or brain to continue it until now.  One of the things with my particular type of crazy and having had it for a while is that as soon as I ask for help, I immediately feel better.  Consequently, asking for help starts me on the road to getting better immediately.

The first thing that happened after talking to my Dr is I received a phone call from an agency to have an interview with a Dr, a maternity mental health worker and a psychologist at my home.  The second thing that happened is I had a phone call from the counselor who works in conjunction with my Drs to arrange for a counseling session (I can get four for free through my Drs). 

And while the counseling has not been especially helpful*** that meeting at home with the three professionals was brilliant.  For starters I discovered I'm on a very low dose of my medication so have a lot of wriggle room there if I feel like it's not quite enough.  While I haven't as yet changed my medication, that was extremely helpful to know.  It made me feel like things were not that bad at all as I was actually almost coping with very little back up - which is almost as good as coping!

It also helped me realise the main reason I was so unwell was because I was not sleeping.  Duh?  Of course people who don't sleep start to go a bit nuts!  But pinning down that simple thing when you are sleep deprived is not so simple.  This also made me feel again like given the circumstances I was not such a crap loser Mum after all.

And the lovely maternity mental health lady has been brilliant.  She has visited me once a week every week since this first meeting just to check in on how I'm doing.  Because she is just a nice person this doesn't feel threatening, just actually helpful ie: I don't freak out and clean my house before she's due.  She also hooked me up with an anxiety group for Mums which is brilliant.  It's nice revisiting CBT and also just talking about normal stressful Mum crap with other Mums in the same boat as me.  And there are nannies there who mind our littlies so we can attend!  This week I also discovered a shower nearby so am seriously considering dropping Abby off with the nannies and showering before the group.  Double bonus!

And while the external help has been amazing, the thing that has got me most on track to being ok is that Abby has changed.  With age and osteo I no longer have a baby that screams whenever awake, and especially from 4 - 10pm.  I now have a very happy, very fat, very tall baby who is a total sweetheart.  Sure, she doesn't sleep properly and cat naps just like Etta did and still has to co-sleep at night (hence my being so tired) but she is hitting milestones and smiling and not screaming at me all day. 

You cannot overestimate the impact being screamed at constantly has on a person.  Seriously.  Especially when it's from someone you are supposed to care about.  It's awful.  It's nerve-wracking.  I am sure it must have been used as a method of torture at some point in history.  And if you've also had no sleep it's completely insanity-driving.  All Mummies of refluxy/colicy/sick/sad/scream-all-the-timey babies are fucking champions just to survive each hour of screaming.  I am glad that I no longer have to be one of these champion Mummies because it's been one of the hardest things I've had to do in all my life.

 My happy 15 week old Abby not screaming

Now that the screamening is over there is room in my brain for actual thoughts.  I can remember what it is to be someone other than a slave to the scream.  And I can spend time with Etta and feel like I'm being a proper Mum again.  And even play board games with Murray occasionally and feel like some kind of a partner.  And now Abby is (cat) napping during the day in her bassinet I even get a little time to myself sometimes.  Quiet time.  Time to just sit and focus on myself as an entity for a bit.  And just being able to do that, to quietly sit, is what is really helping me to be ok.

*Murder Death Kill.  Get some Robocop in you ya'll!
** It would be even nicer if the government cared about me before I had kids but it seems like maybe that's asking for too much

*** Counseling has never been my bag.  Given how long I've been in and out of therapy (almost 20 years) I feel like I know more than she does and everything she says is just boring old lady advice.  But I'm going.  I don't want to get in trouble or feel like I'm not doing 'all I should' to be 'well'.  Sigh.  Only two sessions to go.

Survival Techniques

What writing with two littl'uns looks like...

 

I'm not doing so well right now (I'll write more about that at a later date), and one of the things that's making things particularly difficult is the whole no-time-for-self-care dealio.  You think is hard with one littlun, with more than one - you're kidding, right?  The things I used to do to manage my anxiety are just not possible to do on a regular basis when responsible for two tiny humans.

The sorts of things I used to do were not epic.  They were simple things involving time alone like taking a bath, going for long walks, swimming, writing and making art.  The operative word here being 'alone'.  Abby is still a very tricky wee babe.  While on occasion we can get her to nap in her bassinet, she still much prefers sleeping on people.  This means on days where I don't have help at all, I am almost never alone. 

So I'm attempting to find small things I can do every day (or at least, most days - no pressure) to stay sane - things that I can do amongst the chaos of a crazy toddler and a high needs baby.

1) Be Grateful
And I usually am, but I didn't realise studies have shown that writing it all down can actually help you feel better!  No matter how bad the day is there are always simple things to be grateful for.  Every day I will take a minute or two to write down three things I am grateful for that day.  Doesn't matter what it is, so long as I write it down.  And I can do this with a baby on me (as she is now).  I can even be grateful for baby-on-me related things: I am grateful that my baby keeps me warm.  Pretty straightforward.

2) Have A Cup Of Hot Tea  
So if you are childless you'll be all like hey, what's the big deal?  It's tea.  But if you aren't you'll be like 'lady, are you fucking out of your mind?'  This simple thing becomes like climbing the Himilayas once there are children in your home.  The usual go of things is you brew the tea.  You forget you have brewed the tea.  You microwave the cold tea and put milk in.  You take a sip.  Something goes crash off in the distance of your bedroom.  Two hours later, you remember you had tea.  Or you have attempted to hide your tea out of reach somewhere so your toddler doesn't have a fit and destroy it.  And then you forget where your tea is.  And then two days later you find it.  Ew.  Sigh.

I officially take back my cup of tea.  I am going to try very hard to have one HOT cup of tea whilst Etta naps every day.  Is this achievable?  Maybe not.  But I will try dammit!  Even if I get it right half the time I will be having much more hot tea than I am currently.

3) Baby Dance
What's there to do when you have a baby who often cries unless held and rocked by a standing human?*  Baby dance!  While I think the fun of this will wear off pretty quick smart if I did it ALL the time I have to hold and rock her, I'm definitely gonna do this at least a few times a day to break the boredom.  Free exercise equals free endorphins equals good counter play against depression.  Plus Etta loves to dance.  Can totally get her to come to the baby-scream-rock-dance-party.  When life gives you lemons and all that.

4) Get In The Garden
I used to hate weeding.  It's one of those jobs that you're just gonna have to do again every few weeks.  It feels so futile.  These days however, you'll find my garden's actually weeded.  Why?  Cos it really chills me out.  It's a good physical job that I can do for five minutes to an hour depending on how much I want to do. And it shows results quickly so I feel like I've achieved something.   Plus a well kept garden produces a better harvest - which is not only great for our tummies and our wallets, but is an awesome thing to teach the kids.  Also, on an aside, this means I have finally chopped our bamboo back into submission.  Thank you anxiety!

5) Adult Colouring In
You know you're a parent when your partner buys your toddler a colouring in book and you get jealous... I wanted my own colouring book.  Of course, I hadn't realised this until I saw her one. Luckily (and randomly) a friend posted about adult colouring in downloads the same day!  They are way better than those in Etta's book (hers are lame) and you can colour with just one hand (whilst holding a baby) AND whilst your toddler also colours in.  Of course, I've had to print out some of these for Etta too as she decided mine was better than hers, but hey, small sacrifice for big reward. 

Am I trying to relive my childhood here?  No.  I just find colouring in very therapeutic.  It puts you into a state of mindfulness without having to think about it.  It fills the gap that knitting once filled which I have no brain or hands for currently (cannot knit whilst holding this baby - she is too big - I could do it with Etta).  The only decisions I have to make on this page are what colour to use and where to put it.  Way easier than other normal grown up stuff like mortgage rates, wills and insurance.  I take colouring in over that any day of the week (unless we were gonna lose our house or something, then I'd put my grown up pants back on and put the felt tip down).

6) Do A Random Cleaning Job
Every day.  Just a five minute one.  Just clean something that hasn't been cleaned really before but should have been.  Like the doors.  Or the laundry cupboard.  Or the top of the washing machine.  I'm pretty on top of the usual every-day stuff (washing dishes, clothes and vacuuming) but this is stuff that always needs doing and never makes me feel good doing it.  Cleaning or organising something else will help me feel like I've achieved something without feeling like I have to clean, sort out or organise EVERYTHING instead of better utilising my time (like spending it with the kids). 

This makes me sound like some kind of clean freak.  I'm not.  If you've been to our house you'll know this.  There's just so much that needs doing it gets on top of me.  And because I'm a stay at home Mum I (get this) am at home a lot.  My environment totally has an effect on my mood.  Doing something to manage my environment is definitely good for my mental health.

7) Writing 
Yes, it may have taken me four days to write this pretty straightforward list post - but I still did it!  It's still good for me, even if it's done whilst balancing a squalling bubba on one arm and typing with one finger.  Or leant back with a sleeping wrapped up bubba squished up next to my cheek.  It helps me vent my joy and frustrations and discoveries whilst feeling like I'm connecting with people.  Without having to talk to people**.  And it doesn't need to be perfect, or even good to do so.  So it's definitely still worth doing - for me anyway (maybe not so much for you readers... Sorry).

8) Sit the Fuck Down
I am not very good at this.  I am a fidgety, use-my-time-well, never-without-a-task person.  I find it difficult to rest when things need doing around the house.  Which is all the time.  But this idea works in conjunction with the cup of tea.  I will try to sit down and not clean, and not write lists and not go crazy for 10 whole minutes while Etta naps.  I will try.

9) Wine
This is definitely not an every day thing.  But I love wine.  Having kids has not changed this fact.  There is still nothing quite as nice as sitting down after a hard day with a hearty meal and a glass of good pinot.  If anything, having kids has made drinking wine even more enjoyable (and cheaper as I just have the one.  So exhausted I'd be smashed if I drank more).

* Don't you dare sit down.  She can tell if you sit down.  The screaming begins again the moment you try to sit down.   You must stand for the Abby you lazy grown-ups!

**  Not because I hate people, but because when I'm unwell I'm quite scared of interacting with people.

On where we're at now

We have survived.

Abby was an absolutely crazy, screaming-whenever-awake, what-the-actual-fuck baby until a few weeks ago.  Now, with just some small changes she's pretty much a 'normal' baby.

It's been a steep learning curve.  I thought colic was a medical thing.  Didn't realise it was just a term used for when a baby is 'fussy at the same time of day for a period of three hours or more'.  Abby was the life of the colic party.  Her fussy time went from about 4.30pm until sometimes 11pm.  Murray and I would often go for days without really talking as it was too hard to do amongst the chaos of a constantly screaming child (and I would retreat to bed to attempt some sleep as soon as it seemed at all possible).  Now, while she still often won't go 'down for the night' until 9ish it's a lot less screamy.  Oh the difference that makes!  Some nights we actually get an hour or so to converse.

And I thought reflux was a spilling thing.  But apparently there's this thing called silent reflux where they don't really spit up especially much and everyone assumed Abby had it.  She didn't (she has issues from difficult delivery), but she did share a lot of the same problems as a 'reflux' baby - needed to be held upright constantly, hated lying on her back, wouldn't sleep in her cot.  While this hasn't totally changed, it's starting to.  And where things are at currently are liveable. She slept (and resettled after feeds) in her bassinet all night for the first time a few nights ago.  Until then she has co-slept with me for at least part of the night every night to avoid middle of the night screaming sessions (and ultimately, waking her sister and starting WWIII).

Today is the first day Abby's managed to simultaneously be in the pram on the bus while not screaming for THIRTEEN WHOLE MINUTES.  That's about twelve and a half minutes more than her previous personal best.  She even smiled at me through some of the trip.  Unlike her sister who was generally a happy little vegemite in the pram, Abby hates it unless it is in constant forward motion.  And that 'rocking' the pram in one spot she will have none of.  It's cheating.  So where with Etta I could escape some fussiness (and get some sun and exercise to combat exhaustion and depression) by just taking the pram out for a little stroll, this has not been the case this time.  It looks like that is finally changing.

Which is great.  Because up until this point it's been nigh on impossible to go out without help unless feeling particularly brave.  Because walking around with a screaming baby in any environment never fails to elicit commentary and advice from total strangers.  Which is ridiculous because how can you possibly not know:

a) your child is screaming
b) why your child might be screaming (if for any reason other than just cos babies do that...)
 
When you basically listen to screaming all day and don't sleep much and are grateful for days where you can shower, jerk strangers pointing out the obvious is not what you need.  Usually what you need is a couple of stiff drinks.  And, if you can't have that just leaving your home to walk without harassment would be nice.*

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Meanwhile over in camp toddler it's been a bit of a nightmare.

Because I was planning to only need one cot I was hoping to start the process of upgrading Etta to a 'big girl bed'.  She gets quite ownershippy about her 'stuff' so we were hoping to put her cot away for a few months before passing it down to Abby to avoid attempted sororicide.  So we made the call a couple of weekends ago to take the side off her cot.

It was kind of ok for the first wee bit.  Etta did fixate on an aspect of the 'new' bed we weren't expecting her to (new robot duvet) but we weren't expecting things to go super smooth.  Etta does not cope well with change.  And this on the coat-tails of a new sibling was probably a bit much.  The first week was hicuppy, but ok.  And then she worked out she could get out of the bed...

And the next day she worked out she could also undo her sleeping bag and open her door.  And all the other doors in the house.  That in itself is pretty ARGH, but she then decided that napping was no longer required.  The thing is, napping is totally still required as she is a terrifying nightmare monster when she doesn't nap.  So that part wasn't fun.  Even less fun was the sudden night terrors screaming in the middle of the night and then deciding that she didn't need to sleep resulting in Murray sleeping on the floor by her cot (I had Abby) both Friday and Saturday night.

So while we really tried to stick it out to save future torment, on Sunday we put the side back on the cot.  Hey presto - napping as usual.

But she's also at that point in development where she's realised she really is her own person ie: she doesn't have to listen to other people if she really doesn't want to.  This is the first time I've actually felt annoyed by my child.  Because I'll be trying to talk to her about something important and she'll just start humming and walk away to play with something else.  She's also taken to saying 'huh?' if she doesn't understand/agree or want to hear what you're saying (sigh).  I am catching a glimpse now of what it might feel like to live with a teenager**.

She's also teething.  So as much as I feel frazzled, I also do feel sorry for her as it obviously hurts her.  She's also grown three centimeters in the last three months and as a result has become clumsy as fuck.  So she's constantly bumped and bruised and generally undergoing some form of physical harassment.  I'm just glad she's a hardarse and besides being grumpy and prone to tantrums seldom cries when she's injured herself.  Growing must suck.

So yeah.  Times have been a bit suck but they are getting better.  I even managed to get a massage and buy myself a new dress on the weekend.  This weekend Murray and I are even going to attempt to go out on a date (a breakfast one).  Wish us luck (well, wish our babysitters luck).

*  How sad is it that many of us (I'm sure it's not just me) feel trapped in our homes because we have 'fussy' babies?  I do fully get that as a non-parent (or another parent) it isn't the most fun thing listening to screaming babies when you're out.  But people willing to take out screaming babies obviously are the ones who really need to be out of the house?  I mean, it's not fun for us being out with a screaming baby and getting glared at.  We don't do it for fun.  But you know what, it's better than getting PND, or leaving your family or murdering your baby.  So maybe, rather than give us the evils - give us a smile, one of those 'you are doing great!' kind of smiles.  Just doing that might save a babies life some day.  You really never know.
 
** Only this one still poops her pants and I have to physically wrestle her into submission to change them.  You'd be surprised at how strong a toddler can be!

On going dairy free

My saviours

I've been dairy free for three weeks now.

As mentioned in earlier posts Abby has been a tricky wee babe and a major learning curve.  The one thing I didn't have to relearn is that it's best to trust your gut when it comes to your kids.  From when she was very small she was in obvious pain when passing gas or pooping.  She would bring her little legs up to her chest and scream her lungs out.  She got nappy rash that looked like acid burns.  It just felt like something was wrong.

When she was three weeks old I contemplated taking dairy out of my diet to see if that would help.  I was eating a LOT of dairy at the time (breastfeeding cravings) and we have a fair few family members with dairy intolerances.  I managed 11 hours when I initially tried to give it up, then caved for some cheese.  I had many people telling me baby guts are unstable - especially around the 'wake up' time of three weeks and I loved cheese so much I decided to believe them.  Cos cheese!

Two weeks later with everything still very bad I decided I needed to make a more concerted effort.  Three days later, while we didn't have a magically happy baby, we did have a baby with more regular and seemingly less painful bowel movements and no nappy rash.

This time before properly taking the plunge I made sure I had things in the house I could eat so I didn't feel like I was totally missing out.  The things that have helped the most with that have been:   
- Cadbury hot chocolate (helps with the sweet and creamy cravings)
- Almond milk (best milk replacement.  Never liked soy or rice milk but this is great, especially so in hot chocolate or with cereal)
- Whittakers dark chocolate (feeling like I can still have chocolate.  Cos I can)
- Avocados (creamy cheese on toast or crackers replacement.  When I need savoury snack)
I was also extremely fortunate to receive a gift pack of replacement cheese products from my friend Alice at Angel Food.  My pick of the bunch has been the tasty cheese sauce mix.  Again, so helpful with cravings.  Have used it in 'cheesy' dishes for me and Murray and he concurs it is great! 

The first week was hard - particularly because we still have dairy in the house.  Etta is a very fussy kid so basically if there is a food she will eat we will have it.  But I've managed to be good and not eat her cheese and yoghurt, instead opting for avocado crackers if I so much as thought about it.  Now, it's no big deal.  I've even had dairy free home made pizza and not felt resentful.  I realised the main thing cheese really did to enhance my favorite toppings was glue them together. While glue is important, I can live without it.

The other reason it's been easy is because Abby's tummy is sooo much better.  It is hard for me to knowingly eat something that might affect her because the difference in her well being is so marked.  Eating cheese would make me feel like I was knowingly hurting her.  It'd be like kicking a puppy only a tiny, human puppy.  If I actually did that I'd probably have her taken away by CYFs.  Those thoughts are definitely enough to put me off cheese.*

And there are pros in it for me. I've always done better without dairy - I just love it SO MUCH it's hard to do without it.  The only time my cholesterol has ever been higher than it should it was 100% down to cheese and hollandaise.  And when I'm anxious or my immunity is bung I react badly to lactose.  Consequently, I've never actually liked milk or cream - so the almond milk discovery was a fantastic one for me and has heralded a permanent change.  Being dairy free is definitely helping me drop those bonus pregnancy kilos without really trying, plus my skin is doing pretty ok too (would be better if it were Summer.  My skin hates Winter).

With this slight cleansing of my diet, and with no longer being pregnant I've decided to finally return to a low gluten diet.  Pregnancy kinda kept the gluten tummy upsets at bay, but now the hormones are diminishing my stomach has started to go to crap again.  And having a fickle stomach combined with not a lot of sleep (newby plus toddler) or time for general health and maintenance, I figure that while I can't magically get more sleep, I can easily change my diet.

So Abby's a bit better, but still not what I see when I see 'normal' babies.  She still wants to be held all the time, dislikes lying on her back and is very, very fussy.  So my next post will be on our adventures into baby osteopathy.  Watch this space!

* For a while at least.  Babies tummies are changeable.  I will try to reintroduce dairy to my diet at some point in the future.  Just not now.  She is so tiny and it clearly causes her grief.  I will try experimentation with low lactose options to see if that's the main player when she's a bit bigger.