On Making Baby food

 

 


On the left, a breakfast stack: plum, apple, rhubarb and yoghurt.  On the right a dinner stack: silverbeet, squash, lambs fry and potato

I love all things food.  So it's no surprise that I also love pretty much everything about making food for our new little person.  And lucky for me, she seems to also love food, and besides bananas, she's been quite keen on trying pretty much anything we throw her way.

 
At this stage we're still keeping it pretty simple.  I often forget that being born a little early, Etta's not quite her age.  We're not worried about it - it's just how she is.  At 8 months, she just started sitting by herself.  She still has no teeth, and no sign of almost teeth.  And her system seems a little slower too.  We tried feeding her finger foods and although she enjoyed it, not only has she really, really choked*a few times, but the more solid foods have passed through her system untouched (these are foods she has no trouble processing when mushy).  So while I know other babies her age have a far more complex cuisine, I'm happy just cruising along at Etta-speed.

So we're still on purées**, but man, I love purées. 

The three things I love most about them are:

a) simplicity

b) process

c) colour

There's an honesty in basic, unaltered foods.  Making food for Etta has helped me to appreciate the essence of simple foods.  I've learned that a mashed potato, with no salt, no pepper or milk, still tastes great.  Just potato is earthy, soft and hearty.  Just potato is fantastic.  Remembering exactly what just potato tastes like helps me know what I can do in grown up cooking to bring out that Just potato flavour in meals.

And although baby food from the supermarket is supposed to be pretty natural, who really knows?  Not only do we save money making Etta's food, but we know exactly what's going into her system (besides random floor-scum).  Some of her foods come straight from our garden (silverbeet, spinach, rhubarb), or from friends (apples, plums).  And they're so easy to prepare: peel, cook, puree (or mash).  Done.  If we bought food for Etta's every meal, not only would we have a large collection of jars, but we'd also spend an additional $20 a week feeding her.  I can think of many better ways of spending $20.

Cooking for Etta has helped me pay more attention to the textures in foods - pulsed peas go kinda crumbly, apple explodes into mush, silverbeet is a green tangle of fibrous shreds, and chicken is actually quite similar in texture to silverbeet.  All these textures remind me of why it's fun to play with foods.  And there's something especially visceral about mush.  I've missed mush.

To make food prep efficient I make Etta's food in batches and freeze in silicon mini-muffin pans.  I've found these are MUCH easier to get frozen purées out of than the old ice cube trays Mum used to use.  Once frozen, I pop them out, and into small, dated and labelled resealable bags (I reuse and re-date these to create less waste).  Little bags save on space in the freezer - of great import to us given the size of our freezer, and mean I can keep a wide array of 'Etta food' on hand. 

To prep each meal, I just grab an assortment of cubes to defrost in the morning, and mix accordingly for each meal.  Breakfasts include fruits mixed with baby rice and yoghurt.  Lunches and dinners are usually pretty much the same - a protein, green vege, orange vege and a starch (usually potato).  Just like a balanced grown-up meal only mulchy. 

And her food is beautiful.  Maybe it's just the past-life painter in me***, but it's hard not to notice the palette of Etta's food.  I thought avocado was the height of baby-food hues - until I puréed light fleshed plums which turned this amazing salmon pink.  Pretty much all fruit when puréed and frozen looks like stained glass.  Chicken goes a peaches-n-cream-just-off-white, silverbeet a dark licoricy green.  And lambs fry looks just like chocolate mousse.  Each new food I make for her is not just new and exciting for her, but me too.

And with so much natural, unaltered colour you know your baby is getting decent nutrition.  I totally get why the whole 'baby food diet' fad seems logical.  Etta's diet is certainly way better than mine (damn you sugar addiction!)  Spending time prepping Etta's healthy meals also reminds me that I should take as much care with my own.  I now make a conscious effort to at least eat as many colours as she does each day.

And I can't wait for our tūtaekurī harvest to add purple to Etta's dinner rainbow.  

* As in, not a little choke, as in had their been no parental assistance she may well have choked to death sort of choke.  As in, where is the colour chart to tell you what colour your child's face should be before not calling an ambulance is considered negligence?

** Progressively chunkier purées... 

*** Studying painting at Unitec was a long time ago now but at times feels like it's still current.  I STILL have anxiety dreams where I'm trying to get my studio together for marking only I haven't done any work.  Subconscious guilt about lack of practice much?

On An Annoying Assumption About Stay-At-Home-Mums

Just something to think on... not like I have time to bake cakes.  And sorry about bad formatting, not sure how to change the video embedding thing and too tired to learn...

Hi Blog, sorry we haven't spoken for so long.  Sorry our first conversation in ages has to be like this, but some things need to be vented.  Now.

I am extremely time poor.

Many people are these days, and this is not really a complaint, more an annoyance that in this instance everyone assumes that because I am a stay at home Mum I have all the time in the world.  People seem to think that I'm just itching for company parked in front of the TV eating chips.  That I crave adult conversation and have nothing interesting to do while I'm at home looking after my 8 month old.  That I have nothing better to do.

It's just not true.  It's not even close to true.  I am busier now than I was when I was working fifty hour weeks.  This is why it's been so long since I last blogged.  I find it hard to find time or brain or both coinciding at a point in time when I am home alone (ie: at home with Etta but not under pressure to spend time with other adult humans).  Some days I forget to go to the toilet.  At the top of my daily 'jobs list' I write:

 'eat breakfast, brush my teeth and wash my face'. 
Because otherwise I'd forget.

So I find it extremely irritating that people assume that my schedule is wide open, and they can just pop by for a cup of tea any time.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful to have friends and family that care enough to visit, I'm just saying I'd love a heads up.

Because I don't actually have that much time available.

So to summarise (because I don't have much time) these are the things I might have otherwise been doing with my time when people stop by to visit:

-          Calming an overtired cranky baby.  We have a pretty easy baby compared to some.  But if you pop by in the middle of me attempting to get her to nap when she's unhappy, you will likely encounter a frustrated, overtired cranky Mum.  Not only that, but your mere presence is likely to lay all my carefully put in groundwork aside, and make it harder for me to get her to sleep.  Which is not only not fun for the immediate, visit time, but also not fun for me for the rest of the day, and potentially, night.  If I were expecting you I could postpone the visit (even by maybe half an hour) and make things nicer for all parties involved.

-          House work.  This needs to be done regularly to maintain my sanity and ensure Etta does not choke on dust-bunnies (she has).  This includes: (but is in no way limited to) washing dishes, drying dishes, doing laundry, running-about-like-a-mad-thing-when-it's-about-to-rain-bringing-washing-in, scrubbing/vacuuming/mopping, mending clothes, cleaning the bathroom and toilet, cleaning the windows, tidying the pantry/fridge/freezer, wiping down benches/the oven/light switches/skirting boards/doors, cleaning up after faeces/vomit /saliva/unknown.

-          Organising our way-too-much-stuff.  I'm trying to organise our clutter so that once Etta starts crawling (I've probably got a month) everything is not destroyed in a baby-tsunami and I will not have to dedicate even more time to cleaning.

-          Reading about babies.  I know nought of these things, and every day is different so there is MUCH to learn.

-          Making baby food.  Etta is eating more and more these days, and I am her personal chef as buying baby food is uneconomical.  Plus making baby food is kinda fun.

-          Making adult food.  We're on a budget here.  And I have a Murray.  And he needs to be fed.  And making adult food is also kinda fun.  Attempting to master gluten free sourdough right now.  Being a tight arse is fun!

-          Breastfeeding.  Not only do I need time for my excited-about-everything baby to just focus on eating and not other people (or cats), but I need time to eat/drink/sleep/be healthy to ensure I can do this for as long as Etta needs me to.

-          Having a shower.

-          Going for a walk.  To get things or get rid of things.  Or to get some vitamin D. Or to have some time out from a fussy baby.  Usually all of the above.

-          Gardening.  Although our gardens are pretty low maintenance there is still always weeding and harvesting to be done.

-          Getting help and support via parenting forums.  Seriously, invaluable.  Like a coffee group, only you can access whenever you want/need and don't have to leave the house.  Or get dressed.

-          Budgeting and planning.  This sounds boring, but it's one of the important ways I feel I contribute to our family.  It keeps us on track to end goal(s) and helps us appreciate the small things (we saved x here so we can now spend y here.  Yay!)

-          Doing online surveys for $$ - another small (but important way) I contribute to our family.  Surveys funded a significant portion of our Christmas last year.

-          Working.  I have a job.  It is small, but I am struggling at the moment to put in the minimum amount of time I'd like in, and would love to be able to put more time in.

-          Spending time with our neglected pets.   Pretty important.

-          Spending time with my neglected partner.  Also pretty important (not as likely if you drop by on a weekday, but never assume).

-          Relaxing.  I don't get much time to do this.  So you might catch me JUST about to sit down with a cup of tea and no work/cleaning/jobs, maybe for the first time in three days.

-          Spending precious little one-on-one time with my daughter.  Time is flying by and soon she won't be excited by the weird noises I can make, or my singing, or stories, or the jolly jumper.   I'm  a stay-at-home Mum for a reason, and this is really it.  We actually go out or have friends over more days of the week than not, so time alone with Etta is precious and super exciting.

And there are things I'd like to be doing with time, but seldom manage:

-          Blogging.  I'd love to do more of this.  I have plenty to say that isn't just crazy rants.

-          Drawing.  Now our house is tidier my brain is a little clearer and I think I might actually be able to start practicing this again.  I really hope so.  Maybe even painting.

-          Knitting.  I don't really even have brain for this much at the moment.  It sucks.

-          Sewing.  I worked out how to make some things over Christmas.  I'd love to make some of those things for me.  And maybe some other things.

-      Learning.  Pretty keen to do some online courses in prep for going back fore more study in the coming years.

-          Sleeping.  Yeah right.  Once Etta masters regular 2 hour naps maybe...

I am sure that being time-poor is not unique to myself as a stay at home Mum.  And I'm also sure that some Mum's aren't as worried about people dropping by, but most of us probably aren't just lazing around at home eating chocolates and watching telly waiting for people to 'drop 'round'.  Most of us are actually really busy just being stay at home Mum's.  It's no small task. 

So if you do want to visit a SAHM that's very lovely and thoughtful of you, maybe just do us the courtesy of calling to check first.

If we have time, we might even bake you a cake.

On Etta's First Christmas

                                     Our humble Christmas tree (and bless our mess)

Hello Blog

Sorry it's been so long.  With a barrage of baby illness and parental brain fuzz there's been no chance of visiting you.  Don't get me wrong - there's been time - just not brain or stamina to even consider writing.  My brain has been awash with blog topics over the last month: baby feeding, Unitec Design department job losses, the marketing/gendering baby clothing debacle.  And today I've decided not to be precious about my writing, and not to be intellectual, but to write about the obvious at hand: Christmas.

So it's Etta's first Christmas and time to start establishing our own family traditions.  And as a lover of  Christmas, this is super important to me.  BUT, there are a lot of things about contemporary Christmas I don't love.  One of those things is Santa and here are my main reasons why:

- Santa divorces gifts received from the notion of 'giving'

- Santa makes more visible the gap between rich and poor

- Santa encourages us to lie to our kids

'What do you want for Christmas?' is the standard Santa-lap-child dialogue.  Not who are you spending Christmas with, not what are you getting Mummy and Daddy - just what do you want.  And combined with the amount of marketing we encounter in our daily lives, the message that 'YOU NEED THIS THING' is constant, and really doesn't need reinforcing by a bearded man in a red suit. 

To me Christmas is about giving to those you love.  It may be gifts, it may be food, it may be time, or it may just be kind thoughts.  If you are Christian, the importance of giving is highlighted through the nativity story - Jesus wasn't expecting anything, but people wanted to give to their new messiah.  Jesus wasn't making lists and awaiting Furby's - and if he weren't a newborn babe I think he would just have been stoked so many people showed up to say hi.* 

I love giving to others, and Christmas is prime time for doing that.  I want to share this love of giving with Etta.  So of course she is going to get presents, but from us, not 'Santa'.  And because Murray is 'pro Santa' we've come up with a compromise - which is St Nicholas who made gifts for the orphans (in simplified version).  So in the vein, Etta will have one handmade St Nicholas present to remember this kind act each Christmas.  And coming up to Christmas we will also sort through her toys, and give half of them away to charity.  When she is older, she can choose what she keeps, and what she gives away, and to whom, herself. 

Because Santa is all about gifts, and what kids want from Santa is informed by marketing, Christmas is a time that clearly establishes the kids whose parents have money, and the kids that don't.  This, combined with the 'Santa only gives presents to good kids' thing further concretes the rich = good, poor = bad dichotomy which has been exacerbated by the 'bene-bashing' of our current government. 

This is not only important to me because of my political leanings, but because I was the poor/bad kid growing up.  I was the kid that asked my Mum if I'd been bad, as my Santa gifts were not comparable with that of my middle class cousins.  This must have been heartbreaking for my parents.  They did their best, and in spite of this I have very fond memories of Christmas because we celebrated other things.  But for many, Santa puts undue stress and pressure on those who just can't afford him.  Because of my values I can't pass this dichotomy on to my daughter.  Plenty of other people will do this for her.  I want to ensure that at least, at home, she knows that a person is not valued by what they, or their parents, earn.

The lying thing... now this will be the hardest point for folks to swallow.  For most, Santa is not lying, but 'magic' and I totally get that.  I get the wonder of childhood, the tooth fairy, the mystery of falling asleep somewhere and waking up somewhere else.  I get the excitement around reindeer excrement.  Trust me, I do.  But for me, when I found out that it was a ruse (and I didn't find out until I was quite old, maybe even 9) because I had believed so strongly in the magic I lost faith in my parents.  I know that most kids don't feel/react this way.  I know this will have been more pertinent to me because I had other reasons to distrust my parents, but in spite of this, I can't conscionably lie to my daughter.  I just can't.

We will do our utmost to ensure that she doesn't ruin the magic for others, but as my Mum pointed out - she will not be the only kid at her school who doesn't 'do' Santa.  We live in a multicultural world these days, especially in Auckland.  Many people who live here do not have faith systems that revolve around Christmas.  Etta will not be alone in her Santalessness.

And instead of Santa we'll teach her about the origins of Christmas.  About the nativity story and why Jesus is important (culturally, not just in a theological sense).  About St Nicholas and the orphans (ignoring the whole 'dowry' drama), and about Winter Solstice.  We'll go at her pace, but we will not boil Christmas down into the simple Santa/gift dealio.

And Etta will still have magic.  The magic in Christmassy smells - ginger and cinnamon, fresh pine and mint, BBQ and roast.  The magic in the rustle of wrapping paper, in Christmas carols and fairy light lit nights.  And the magic in that warm feeling you get when you give to others and receive a genuine smile.

Meri Kirihimete ki a kotou, arohanui mai x x

           Cookies me and Mum made for the dementia residents at Craigwell house

* Just need to clarify I am not religious (although I was raised vaguely Christian), but love the nativity story and am totes down with Jesus.  So many good life lessons in his teachings, many of which are especially pertinent today.

On Our Strong Reaction to Roast Busters

Every now and then our nation goes totally crazy over a local news article.  In this case, people have  started a petition, managed to get popular radio hosts taken off air, and have even offered a $4000NZD reward for 'footage of the Roast Busters getting hidings'.  I just wanted to talk about why I think there has been such a massive response to the Roast Busters case.  Just in case anyone out there didn't understand.

In terms of numbers men and women are fairly equal in New Zealand - we have 0.99 males per female - which means we have about 2.3 million women living here.  And of those women, about 25% of them will have been sexually assaulted as girls.  That's 575,000 women - almost 13% of all Kiwi's.*  So if we just think about these people, if we forget about everyone else who thinks that having sex with underage drunk girls and bragging about it on the internet is not ok, we're looking at a large percentage of our population for whom this case probably feels quite personal.  That's a lot of people.

I am one of those people.  I am not one of the people who is traumatised by this, but it is probably why I care enough about this case to write this post.  I never reported the date-rape (whilst comatose drunk), or the many sexual assaults as, like many, I thought they were probably my fault.  And because these things happened to other people I knew, I figured it was normal, not something worth reporting and not a big deal.

But it is a big deal, and these days we seem to be (or are supposed to be) more aware of that.  And because we (the people) should be more aware, our police should be too.  The second reason people are upset is because of the handling of this case by police.  Like many other people, I thought our law enforcement teams had evolved past asking a 13 year old rape victim about what she was wearing.  This information is irrelevant and unhelpful victim blaming.  Willie Jackson and John Tamihere's interview with 'Amy' about the Roast Busters actions generated more victim blaming, which sat in stark contrast to their description of the boys actions as 'mischief'.

An estimated 90% of sexual assaults go unreported in New Zealand.  I don't think it's hard to see why when our police** and our elders (two political figures/media personalities) clearly do not take sexual assault seriously.  When you are traumatised and you know you were doing something you probably shouldn't have (drinking underage) when the assault happened, in the current environment you need a very stable sense of self worth to feel you can report it.  And sexual assault is a pretty good tool at eroding a persons feeling of worth.  The Police's treatment of this case has confirmed all our fears around reporting sexual assault.

And the third reason the fecal matter has really hit the fan is because one of the boys at the center of the scandal reportedly had familial links to the police investigating the case.  Another boy has a famous father, and some investigative journalism turned up that Mr Tamihere is friends with another boys father.  So it looks very much to the public as though preferential treatment has been given to these boys because of who they are.

We New Zealanders have a long history in protesting injustice (although the current government has attempted to quash this).  From Parihaka's peaceful 'Year of the Plow', to the Springbok tour of '81, through to the recent Occupation of Aotea Square.  We strongly support the underdog because, really, we are the underdog.  So of course we rail against these boys and their celebrity Dad's treatment (or lack of treatment) regarding this case.  It's just what we do.

*                *                *                *                *                *

So that's why there's such a big fuss being made.  And I agree that a big fuss should be made, but I am concerned that people are missing the big picture here.  Although I understand the villagers/pitchforks/drive-them-out mentality, threatening these boys will not solve any problems.  And as far as I'm concerned they are still boys.  18 is not as young as 13, but these boys were 16 when the specific incident happened.  And 18 is still very young.  At 18 I got myself into credit card debt and did all sorts of other stupid things (blame it all on the pre-frontal cortex).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing their behavior, but instead of destroying these boys, surely it's more important for us to ask why this happened?

Because I personally think (I could be wrong here though?) that our sexual assault statistics paint a pretty screwed up picture.  The Roast Busters case is purely a symptom of a much bigger issue.  The issue that we are failing to acknowledge, and it might be because they are children of celebrities, or because they go to public schools in West Auckland***, is that these boys are doing what MANY other boys are doing - the only difference is that they were stupid enough to brag about it on Facebook.

How do I know that many boys are doing this?  Because 1/4 of our girls are being sexually assaulted.  I don't think it takes a genius to realise that this means a large proportion of our boys/men think that sexual assault is ok.  Sure, you can lie to yourself and say it's probably just a few bad apples doing all of the bad things, and that you know lots of guys, and none of them would ever sexually assault anyone, but I just don't think that's true.

As long as sexual assault goes unreported, and unpunished, we have an issue.  And as long as people think a girl in a short skirt is 'asking for it', we have an issue.  And as long as we think it's ok to disrespect women, we have an issue.  I think the fourth reason this case is hit home is because secretly, deep down, most people know that we are accountable for it.  I never reported what happened to me.  I have no idea how many other girls/women those boys assaulted, or to what degree.  My choice, although understandable, has helped form the environment these boys grew up in.

These boys need to be accountable for their actions, but not via a lynchmob.  No-one can be surprised that a boy whose family friend said, on air, that sexually assaulting a 13 year old was 'mischief', would think this behavior was ok.  As the chair of White Ribbon  said regarding this case, the misogynistic attitudes of these boys are 'endemic' in New Zealand.  This is what we really need to be looking at.  Aspects of our rugby, racing and beer culture are well past their 'best before' date.

We need to teach our daughters differently.  We need to teach them that no matter what happens, no matter what they're wearing, or how intoxicated they are, or if they've already given that boy oral sex, non-consensual sexual contact is not ok.  We need to create a safer environment for these girls to talk about it.  And we need to teach our sons differently.  We need to model respect for all women.  We need to teach them about equality, ESPECIALLY in terms of sexuality (that women and girls have a right to one).  We need to teach them about consent. 

We need to look at our own behaviors before we raise our pitchforks.**** 

* About 1 in 10 boys in NZ will also be sexually assaulted

** in this instance

*** As did I, and I can tell you right now it doesn't necessarily mean you are not a child of means, or of parents who love you, or of low intellect, or a 'trouble maker'

**** Even if the pitchfork is only $12.50 at Mitre 10

On Baby Sleep Part 3: Mum's Sleep

I have always been a very light sleeper.  And I have always had difficulty getting to sleep.  As a very anxious person I sometimes have difficulty shutting down my brain.  And shutting down became nigh on impossible with the advent of being responsible for another human life.

To get to sleep, I (like babies) need to follow a sort of routine (learnt after many years of sleep-drama*).  I need to be comfortably warm (I wear socks to bed).  I need to be in absolute darkness (I wear a sleep mask).  I need things to be pretty much completely quiet.  To help shut down my brain, I read pointless stuff just before bed (at the moment it's Game of Thrones).  If I am still having trouble shutting down my brain, I focus on my breathing, or do some counting exercises.  It usually takes me half an hour to an hour to get to sleep at night.

I cannot sleep in hospital.  I cannot sleep on planes.  I generally struggle to sleep in places other than at home.  And I wake easily.  I usually have to pee once or twice during the night (and no, I'm not diabetic, just have a tiny bladder), and when Murray comes to bed, or gets up for work, or snores it completely wakes me up (we hardly ever sleep in the same bed).  This means I honestly can't remember the last time I've slept for a consecutive period of more than six hours.  It was definitely before I was pregnant.

And now I have a baby I can only vaguely remember the last time I had three hours of consecutive sleep. 

This is also in part because I am an excessively paranoid crazy person regarding SIDS.  This is a silly thing to obsess about.  The rates in NZ are really low compared to when I was a baby.  And it's not like I have any of the factors that increase the chances of Etta having SIDS.  I have never smoked.  I am not obese.  I am not an alcoholic.  I don't co-sleep unsafely or let her sleep on her stomach.  But I can't stop thinking about it.  I still check if Etta is breathing at least once an hour (because if she wasn't breathing I'd have more of a chance of resuscitating her than if it were less frequently.  I've brought this down from half hourly..)  It's insane and not good for either of us.  And now I'm so used to checking her that if I sleep for longer than two hours I usually have a nightmare, wake up, freak out and have to check her.

So with my regular sleep issues and the crazy SIDS stuff combined, I consequently don't sleep very much.

This is not something I get off on.  I am not one of those people who thrives on coffee and energy drinks and three hours sleep and how-much-work-I-can-get-done-at-crazy o'clock. 
'Man, after getting all the housework done I only had about three hours sleep'...
That's not me.  I am someone who actually likes sleeping, would never stay up past 1am to finish an assignment, and if I could do it, I would sleep most of the day.  Pre-baby, I was a bed-by 11-at-the-latest-preferably-10.30 type of person, and a big night out meant I was out until midnight.  Now I have a baby, I'm in bed by 9.30 at the latest in an attempt to maximise any kind of sleeping opportunity.

And the whole sleep-while-your-baby-is-sleeping is a total crock when you have a baby who naps in 45 minute blocks (unless you're like my husband and can fall asleep in seconds)... by the time I get to sleep there are about 10 - 15 minutes until she wakes up again... Due to exhaustion and little brain I have been using 'wake aids' to survive - berocca, cups of tea and chocolate... probably not the healthiest way to exist, but gets me through each day.

And I know this is crazy.  So lately I've been doing my best to think of other solutions to my no-sleep saga.

I need to ensure ya'll know that yes, I have a wonderful supportive partner, and that he really does his best to look after Etta so that I can sleep.  But unfortunately, we have a baby who WILL NOT take a bottle (of expressed breast milk or anything else).  So our pre-pregnancy plan (he minds her until midnight so I can get some sleep before I take over) went out the window.  We would love to do this, and it would definitely help my sleep, but at the moment it's just not possible.  And Murray does mind her in the mornings on weekends when I'm exhausted, but due to it being daytime ie - not completely dark or silent, I generally can't sleep anyway. 

At the same time as the no-sleep saga, we've also had the our-baby-is-ridicously-tall saga, which has resulted in us having to move her into her own room sooner than we intended.  Her cot is too big to fit in our room, and she is far too big to fit in her bassinet.  Because Plunket recommends sleeping in the same room with your baby for the first six months, I knew this was going to add another layer to my SIDS paranoia, so I started taking some actions to address this.

I'm actually a pretty logical person most of the time and I knew that this fear was ridiculous.  If I could trick the crazy-new-Mum hormonal part of my brain, I figured everything would be ok.  So I compared the SIDS death stats with some regular death stats.  If Etta's been on a car ride during the day, at nap time (or bed time), I say to myself 'Etta is fourteen times more likely to die in a car accident than of SIDS.  And you let her go in the car, so surely you can let her sleep for a couple of hours without checking her'.  Now for some people that'd make them freak out about taking their baby in the car, but I know that's as crazy as my existing crazy (and a way harder to hide kind of crazy), so it's actually been oddly reassuring.  This, combined with getting a baby monitor, has started to bring in line my hypervigilance in checking Etta while she's asleep.  And while I slept on her bedroom floor the first four nights she was in her own room, I have let her sleep in there by herself since then.

Which has been great, and (seems to, sometimes) has helped her sleep.  But it still hasn't magically cured my sleep dramas.  So I decided to invest some money in trying out a breast-feeding-safe sleep naturopathic medicine thingee.  I'd read about some sleep drops on this on an online NZ Mummy forum, and heard it was supposed to actually work.  The first night I tried them (along with a sleep support drink from the same people) it actually had a weird effect on me.  When Etta woke up and I went to feed her (I was sleeping on her floor at the time) I was mega dizzy.  Not a high kind of dizzy, a dizzy exactly like I had been spinning in one direction for a while and just stopped.  Everything was pulling to the left and I worried that I might fall over.  So I didn't pick Etta up.  Murray brought her to me in my bed, and he slept on her floor (to help me get peace of mind).  The next morning I felt fine.

I emailed the sleep drops people to see if they had any suggestions, and they haven't encountered this before, but recommended a different dosage in case I had a sensitivity to one of the ingredients (totally possible, our family has intolerances/allergies up the wazoo).  And it seems like the reduced dose is somewhat helping.  I'm (usually) finding it easier to get back to sleep after having to get up to feed Etta, and I'm (usually) falling asleep quicker at night.  It's quite possibly a placebo effect, but it doesn't matter - the end result is the same.

But after all this hard work, at the end of the day when your baby's not sleeping, you can't really sleep.  And Etta's just hit another rough patch (partly wonder weeks, and partly stupid fireworks).  So I still haven't managed more than a three hour sleep run, but I'm feeling confident that it WILL happen at some point.  And the past 5 months have flown by, so what's another year or two...




* In short form, sleep drama means bouts of insomnia that are untreatable via sleeping pills or sedatives as they don't work on me (weird extreme susceptibility to some medications, and absolutely no effect on me from others.  Causes problems in hospital) and just issues with sleeping in general.