On Our Strong Reaction to Roast Busters

Every now and then our nation goes totally crazy over a local news article.  In this case, people have  started a petition, managed to get popular radio hosts taken off air, and have even offered a $4000NZD reward for 'footage of the Roast Busters getting hidings'.  I just wanted to talk about why I think there has been such a massive response to the Roast Busters case.  Just in case anyone out there didn't understand.

In terms of numbers men and women are fairly equal in New Zealand - we have 0.99 males per female - which means we have about 2.3 million women living here.  And of those women, about 25% of them will have been sexually assaulted as girls.  That's 575,000 women - almost 13% of all Kiwi's.*  So if we just think about these people, if we forget about everyone else who thinks that having sex with underage drunk girls and bragging about it on the internet is not ok, we're looking at a large percentage of our population for whom this case probably feels quite personal.  That's a lot of people.

I am one of those people.  I am not one of the people who is traumatised by this, but it is probably why I care enough about this case to write this post.  I never reported the date-rape (whilst comatose drunk), or the many sexual assaults as, like many, I thought they were probably my fault.  And because these things happened to other people I knew, I figured it was normal, not something worth reporting and not a big deal.

But it is a big deal, and these days we seem to be (or are supposed to be) more aware of that.  And because we (the people) should be more aware, our police should be too.  The second reason people are upset is because of the handling of this case by police.  Like many other people, I thought our law enforcement teams had evolved past asking a 13 year old rape victim about what she was wearing.  This information is irrelevant and unhelpful victim blaming.  Willie Jackson and John Tamihere's interview with 'Amy' about the Roast Busters actions generated more victim blaming, which sat in stark contrast to their description of the boys actions as 'mischief'.

An estimated 90% of sexual assaults go unreported in New Zealand.  I don't think it's hard to see why when our police** and our elders (two political figures/media personalities) clearly do not take sexual assault seriously.  When you are traumatised and you know you were doing something you probably shouldn't have (drinking underage) when the assault happened, in the current environment you need a very stable sense of self worth to feel you can report it.  And sexual assault is a pretty good tool at eroding a persons feeling of worth.  The Police's treatment of this case has confirmed all our fears around reporting sexual assault.

And the third reason the fecal matter has really hit the fan is because one of the boys at the center of the scandal reportedly had familial links to the police investigating the case.  Another boy has a famous father, and some investigative journalism turned up that Mr Tamihere is friends with another boys father.  So it looks very much to the public as though preferential treatment has been given to these boys because of who they are.

We New Zealanders have a long history in protesting injustice (although the current government has attempted to quash this).  From Parihaka's peaceful 'Year of the Plow', to the Springbok tour of '81, through to the recent Occupation of Aotea Square.  We strongly support the underdog because, really, we are the underdog.  So of course we rail against these boys and their celebrity Dad's treatment (or lack of treatment) regarding this case.  It's just what we do.

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So that's why there's such a big fuss being made.  And I agree that a big fuss should be made, but I am concerned that people are missing the big picture here.  Although I understand the villagers/pitchforks/drive-them-out mentality, threatening these boys will not solve any problems.  And as far as I'm concerned they are still boys.  18 is not as young as 13, but these boys were 16 when the specific incident happened.  And 18 is still very young.  At 18 I got myself into credit card debt and did all sorts of other stupid things (blame it all on the pre-frontal cortex).  Don't get me wrong, I'm not excusing their behavior, but instead of destroying these boys, surely it's more important for us to ask why this happened?

Because I personally think (I could be wrong here though?) that our sexual assault statistics paint a pretty screwed up picture.  The Roast Busters case is purely a symptom of a much bigger issue.  The issue that we are failing to acknowledge, and it might be because they are children of celebrities, or because they go to public schools in West Auckland***, is that these boys are doing what MANY other boys are doing - the only difference is that they were stupid enough to brag about it on Facebook.

How do I know that many boys are doing this?  Because 1/4 of our girls are being sexually assaulted.  I don't think it takes a genius to realise that this means a large proportion of our boys/men think that sexual assault is ok.  Sure, you can lie to yourself and say it's probably just a few bad apples doing all of the bad things, and that you know lots of guys, and none of them would ever sexually assault anyone, but I just don't think that's true.

As long as sexual assault goes unreported, and unpunished, we have an issue.  And as long as people think a girl in a short skirt is 'asking for it', we have an issue.  And as long as we think it's ok to disrespect women, we have an issue.  I think the fourth reason this case is hit home is because secretly, deep down, most people know that we are accountable for it.  I never reported what happened to me.  I have no idea how many other girls/women those boys assaulted, or to what degree.  My choice, although understandable, has helped form the environment these boys grew up in.

These boys need to be accountable for their actions, but not via a lynchmob.  No-one can be surprised that a boy whose family friend said, on air, that sexually assaulting a 13 year old was 'mischief', would think this behavior was ok.  As the chair of White Ribbon  said regarding this case, the misogynistic attitudes of these boys are 'endemic' in New Zealand.  This is what we really need to be looking at.  Aspects of our rugby, racing and beer culture are well past their 'best before' date.

We need to teach our daughters differently.  We need to teach them that no matter what happens, no matter what they're wearing, or how intoxicated they are, or if they've already given that boy oral sex, non-consensual sexual contact is not ok.  We need to create a safer environment for these girls to talk about it.  And we need to teach our sons differently.  We need to model respect for all women.  We need to teach them about equality, ESPECIALLY in terms of sexuality (that women and girls have a right to one).  We need to teach them about consent. 

We need to look at our own behaviors before we raise our pitchforks.**** 

* About 1 in 10 boys in NZ will also be sexually assaulted

** in this instance

*** As did I, and I can tell you right now it doesn't necessarily mean you are not a child of means, or of parents who love you, or of low intellect, or a 'trouble maker'

**** Even if the pitchfork is only $12.50 at Mitre 10

Why I proudly marched in the Auckland Slutwalk

The uproar of negative response toward Slutwalk is very much an indicator that it hits on something sensitive to many. I have had a lot of people tell me: ‘I don’t really agree with the cause’, without seeming to understand what the cause was. I have had people outright tell me that I am an idiot for having anything to do with it. Before reading this, I suggest reading the information about why it started, and maybe watching some footage of the protest:

And this

A Christian take on Slutwalk:

Slutwalk has become a world-wide phenomenon because the issue it tackles is global. Rape occurs everywhere, and the stigma put on women who are raped is a world-wide problem. Slutwalk is about breaking down the myth that women are more likely to be raped when they dress ‘like sluts’, and shifting the onus from the victim to the rapist.

We are conditioned in how we think about gender and sexuality from a very early age. I can remember at around age 5 being told by my father ‘Don’t let boys touch you’. It was never put into any kind of context, and when I asked why I was just told ‘Don’t.’ From the age of 5 I knew that if a boy touched me, it was my fault because I shouldn’t have let him. My dad wasn’t being a terrible parent, he was trying to keep me safe. I’m sure this style of parenting was pretty normal. It is not easy for parents to talk to their kids about sex.

My parents never openly talked about sexuality. We were absolutely educated about sex from an early age. We read ‘Where Do We Come From?’ and knew all the basics, and we definitely knew about stranger danger. But aside from a talk about puberty, there was never any open dialogue about sexuality, desire and our bodies. I knew that my body was taboo and that it was important that I didn’t let boys touch it. I didn’t know why it was important and when I was sexually assaulted around the age of 11, I said nothing because I assumed it was my fault because I 'let' a boy touch me.

In retrospect, the problem with my not saying anything was not only that it affected me, but that it also let this boy know that this behaviour was ok. He probably knew deep down it wasn’t but there weren’t any consequences for his actions. I imagine this is not an unusual event. 90% of rape/sexual assault cases go unreported. In accepting a society where the onus of sexual assault is on the victim, we are also accepting a society where our boys think its ok to sexually violate girls.

I have been told that dressing in revealing clothing is like; ‘hold(ing) a piece of steak out in front of a hungry lion’. From reading backlash to Slutwalk in the papers, I can see this attitude is prevalent. In saying and believing this, we are saying to our boys not only that it is within their nature to rape women, but also that it is understandable that they assault women who dress or act provocatively. Those who support this notion say it is a form of rape prevention. To me this seems more like an open invitation to punish women who dress or act like ‘sluts’.

Despite this, there is no evidence to suggest that women who dress provocatively are more likely to be raped than women who dress conservatively. As my friend Lucy bluntly put it the other night ‘If that was the case, you’d be getting raped all the time’. I am not getting raped all the time. This is because rape is about power and control, vulnerability and opportunity. It is not about sex. This myth reinforces the idea that women who are comfortable, confident or proud about their sexuality should be punished. It reinforces the double standard of the ‘slut’ and the ‘stud’, which is widely accepted as an antiquated notion. This is not any kind of equality.

I have read much backlash from women from the earlier generations of feminists about this series of protests. I have read that: ‘Slutwalk has set the women’s movement back 50 years’. I always thought feminism was about gender equality and women’s rights… The problem clearly, is with the name, and the concept of claiming back the word ‘slut’. In claiming back the word ‘slut’, we are claiming back our right to exist as sexual beings. You don’t need to dress ‘slutty’ to want or understand this right. There is nothing wrong with modesty. What is wrong is for women to feel shame about their bodies and about having sexual feelings. A woman should feel comfortable as a ‘slut’ or a ‘prude’, and should not be judged for choosing to be either or anything else on the scale between. I am very sad that many women can’t see past the word ‘slut’ to the truth that we are fighting for the same cause.

One in four women and one in eight men are likely to experience sexual violence in their lifetime. That is a lot of people. Those people are people you know. Within my extended family I know of five women over a range of generations who have been raped, or sexually assaulted. Statistically, there are probably more. In every case I know of, the offender was someone they knew. It is not just people with severe mental issues that are sexually offending. Think about those statistics and then think about how many perpetrators of sexual violence you probably know. It's not a very nice thing to think about. Something has to change.

We live in a culture where sexual violence is a hidden, but common thing. To me, this is absolutely unacceptable. We need to change that culture, and we need to back it up with policy that supports victims of rape. In New Zealand around one out of one hundred rapists will serve any kind of penalty for this crime. We can change this culture by making small changes. We can change what we are teaching our children and how we think and talk about women. We can create a safe environment so that people can report their rapists without fear. We can stop saying ‘she was asking for it’, because by the very definition of rape, she wasn’t.