Etta having quality 'Dad' time (in the picture to the right he has purposefully dressed her crazy to irk stupid strangers).
So I'm partly ranting because it's Friday, I'm still pregnant, and I want this baby out (drinking ALL the raspberry leaf tea). And Murray has Etta, thus facilitating the ability to rant. But I'm also ranting because this subject needs ranting about.
I am constantly surprised by how, as soon as you are obviously fruiting a new human, your life and how you live it, becomes public domain. As soon as it becomes apparent you will be responsible for a life other than your own you have apparently opted in to becoming a public punching bag. You have no idea how often I've held my tongue when I really wanted to horrify the general speaking public by saying things like:
'Yep. I'm pregnant and I'm totally hammered.'
'It's fine, I'm adopting it out.'
'Fuck off you judgmental cunt.'*
As a now parent I kinda get it. Hormones and experience combine to make you care more about children and the world they live in than in pre-sprog times. News articles including kids can affect me emotionally. Sometimes so much so that I friend and I once felt compelled to send flowers to a certain new Mum that was in a high profile court case. And I am much friendlier to strangers with kids or who are obviously pregnant because I feel that weird affinity that parenthood creates.
But I also know how it feels to be judged on the tiniest things, and how, particularly as a new parent, the smallest comments could make me feel like I was being smashed in the face by a hammer.
And I am angered when I see other parents (or non parents) doing it to my partner. Or when he tells me this has happened. Because on most occasions the particular criticism attributed to him is something that a stranger would probably never say to me. And because this unnecessary criticism happens often. Which leads me to believe that New Zealanders have little faith in the parenting ability of Dads.
Now this is messed up. Our particular living situation is of the old fashioned variety; I stay home (I work part time) while Murray goes out to a very grown up job and earns the dollars. We live like this because since the recession his job and income have been more stable than mine, and consequently he earns much more than I do. Me going to work is something of a token effort to support our family and Murray, but in truth I work mostly to get out of the house and maintain my sanity.
So Murray's time at home as a Dad is more limited than mine. Because of travel logistics, he is out of the house around 11 hours a day Monday to Friday which means that he usually gets about 1 to 1 1/2 hours of Etta time a day. Which is not a lot. This is not our preference - this is just life. This limited time means not much time for being a hands on Daddy during the week. But for over a year now Murray has looked after Etta for at least one full day on the weekend every week, and a couple of weeknights while I work. He is a great Dad and a very capable parent. But, much like in the workplace, less time based experience with a particular job can affect your confidence in your ability to perform that particular job. So working Dads like Murray can be vulnerable to criticism.
When Etta was first born, every word from strangers regarding my ability to care from her stung. Even if meant well. I had zero baby experience. I had changed maybe three nappies in my life and none of the brown variety. I had never dressed a baby and only twice held one under the age of about two weeks. Babies terrified me. At that stage Murray had much more experience in caregiving than I did having previously been a care worker for many years. He had changed a LOT of (adult) nappies. And due to my C Section, Murray actually did everything for Etta, besides breastfeed her, for the first week of her life. And he did a great job. So I was extremely insecure about my ability to parent.
I think at least some working Dads might feel similarly, purely because they have less of the day-to-day, one-on-one parenting time. And to receive a bigger beat down on their ability to perform a job, one that they are probably performing perfectly well, sucks when all they are doing is caring for their offspring (you know, those tiny people they are equally responsible for). Why would anyone want to be an involved parent if every little thing they do is viewed with public scrutiny?
See, I think it's fair that a member of the public say something if they encounter someone neglecting or injuring their child. Like, if some kid was drowning in a fountain, or going into anaphylactic shock, or about to fall down an escalator, or being publicly whipped. In those situations, it might be a good idea to say or do something. However, the times the public have decided it necessary to verbally berate Murray's parenting skills have been predominantly about the following issues:
'Your child is not wearing enough clothes.'
'Your child is wearing too many clothes.'
'Your child is crying.'
I can't see how any of that information is particular helpful. In the instance of today, it was apparently too hot for Etta to be wearing her hat - probably true. But it's her 'monster' hat. It is the first time she has ever shown any interest in wearing hats since she learned she could take them off. She likes to wear it so it covers her eyes and pretends she's a monster. It's fun. And it solves a pending (Winter) dilemma. Sure, anyone who does not know her will not be aware of this pertinent information. But she wasn't dehydrated, or passing out, or even pink. Why make any comment at all?
I think it's because the strangers think they are being 'helpful' to the Dad. This assumption is extremely unhelpful. It's the assumption that based purely on someones gender they are an unfit, or at least inexperienced, parent. A friend told me that a stranger lady physically removed his son from his arms because he was crying. Because she thought she would be better at handling the situation than he would. To me it appears she assumed she was a more 'experienced' parent purely because of maybe her age, and because she didn't have a penis. What she actually did was basically kidnapping, which in my mind is not something most 'experienced' parents (or sane persons) do. It was extremely traumatic for both my friend and his son.
And she thought she was being helpful.
My gut feeling is also that maybe these strangers feel threatened by Dads. It's like the bully in the workplace/playground scenario - finding minor fault with something to psyche out an opponent. Are these stranger women scared of Dads? Does seeing Dads be Dads remind them of how their Dads maybe weren't? Or their partners? Are they mad that their partners aren't more involved so take that anger out on unwitting stranger Dads? Are they afraid they will lose their place in the world if Dads are more involved parents? Or do they think Dads being involved parents is inherently wrong?
What would actually be helpful for everyone would be if Dads were treated the same as Mums. If it weren't assumed they were incompetent at parenting by dint of their cock. If people didn't say 'Oh, your husband is such a great Dad' because they did an arbitrary parenting task without complaint. If people assumed instead that Dads are quite capable of regular parenting tasks and it was normal for them to perform them. If it were considered 'normal' to be a stay at home Dad. If people didn't praise involved Dad parenting on the internet whilst assuming the worst of everyday mall Dads doing their thing.
I don't know if everyone quite understands this yet, but the whole point of Feminism is equality. Equality is a balanced scale. There are two sides to a scale. In order for that scale to balance both sides need to weigh the same. This means not only thinking about our actions/thoughts/words in terms of women, but also our actions/thoughts/words in terms of men. For instance, if women want equity in the workplace, it means men need equity in the home. The more equity men have at home (in a heterosexual model), the more support they can offer their partner to maintain their position in the workplace. It's a two way street. Until there is more governmental, financial and social support of Dads being valued on par with Mums as parents, we will not have equality.
And that sucks. While I love being a stay at home parent and do think I'm the best at home option in our situation (because of mine and Murray's skill sets - nothing to do with boobs and dicks and bits) I wish there were more support for Murray as a parent out there in the world. I wish that parental leave applied to both parents so both parents could get a handle on the most important job they'll ever have. I wish there were change tables in all men's bathrooms. I wish people didn't make fun of how Dads dress their kids**.
I don't wish these things solely because they will make my life better (although they would) but because they will make life better for our kids. Imagine a world where kids could have two visible, involved parents without feeling different to their peers. Where Dad's can look after their kids over the weekend (or even a Friday night) and not be considered 'pussy whipped' by their mates.
Imagine if it was ok to enjoy being a Dad?
* Just to make things clear, I've never been hammered when pregnant. I'd just like to see the looks on judgy folks faces if I told them I was. Like, you think it's bad I've decided to eat hummus and cheese? (even though unbeknownst to you I have researched this thoroughly and made an informed decision) Well how about this? BANG! Foetal alcohol syndrome. Suck on that rude stranger!
**I wish there wasn't some weird standard for that stuff in general. We dress Etta in practical clothes that we can get onto her body with as little fuss as possible. We dress her for play. We do not dress her to colour co-ordinate outfits. We dress her in things she likes. We are great parents purely because we (mostly) get her to wear pants outside. Because she hates pants and who can blame her? If she had it her way she would be buck naked all year round.
No comments:
Post a Comment