Us on an easy outing yesterday - a walk to the local park
I am home alone again today (yay!) so thought I'd write something. But my brain is foggy and I have painting to do so today's post is going to be about my current bug bear regarding kids: taking two of them out alone.
While for some people this appears to be a piece of cake - for me this is just not the case.
Here are some of the reasons why:
1) I am still not a legally licensed driver
Why? I have chronic anxiety about sitting my drivers license. Like, I can't even make the phone call to book the test. As in, I had to resit my learners license because it expired and I didn't have my original license because it was in my wallet which was stolen (many years ago now) so I had to actually resit it. Whilst I no longer completely hate driving the idea of driving, the idea of driving with a total stranger judging my every move is absolutely terrifying. And the fact that the fail rates for the restricted license is much higher now than if I had have sat it when I should have (about 15+ years ago) just makes it worse. And sitting this license multiple times is very expensive and because we are not rich people this is just not going to be possible (or fun). So whilst I do (illegally) drive the kids short distances (basically just to kindy or the mall AKA less than 2km from our house) sometimes, I try to avoid it cos, you know, it's totally illegal and being pulled over by the cops would not aid me in my anxiety.*
2) So we have to take public transport
And we not only live in a place which is totally accessible to public transport (excellent planning when buying our house if I do say so myself) but the kids love catching buses and trains. But this is prohibitive in that if we want to go anywhere we need to:
a) plan it around bus/train timetables
b) only go to locations which are bus or train accessible
c) only go to locations which are travel time friendly
c) go on a day where the kids are not freaking out. So not on a day where Etta is regularly 'too cold to walk' or suddenly stricken by 'too tired to move' or 'hasn't had enough Mummy Time', which is probably about 75% of the time.
3) Getting our shit together
Going out before I had kids - piece of cake. Going out now that I have kids - not sure that it's worth the effort. Once I've put together water, spare nappies, shoes, socks, sunblock, hats, snacks and snugglies and packed them into something I can easily carry and then changed the poo that Abby's inevitably done whilst trying to get ready to go out, and wrangled the wriggly toddler into the pram, we have often missed our 'catching the bus' window. We then have to find something else to do for twenty minutes that can be put down easily (ie: without a tantrum) before we start the process over again.
4) Because Etta and Abby collectively weigh about 32 kg
So if they won't walk, I have to carry them. And unlike large sacks of potatoes, or heavy boxes of goods, they also have limbs that flail about. Etta has given me both a black eye and a fat lip. And I have dropped her once. So carrying both kids tantruming to the car/bus/train is not a safe option for anyone. And it's fucking hard work! Totally kills your arms. And back. And shoulders. I am not designed for this shit.
5) So use a pram...
We do! Most of the time this works ok. But Abby can tantrum so hard that I have physically not been able to put her back into the pram before (we had to downsize our Mountain Buggy as Abby was too big for it. Seriously). And whilst I have had to carry Etta log styles mid tantrum (she lost a shoe) whilst pushing a totally fine Abby in the pram, this was physically difficult and dangerous and not something I aspire to do again any time soon.**
5) Etta gets anxious about new things
Whilst Etta's anxiety is likely triggered by my anxiety, there is plenty of evidence which suggests that she is just an anxious kid. Given how anxious I was during my pregnancy with her it is no surprise that she also has anxiety***. As a consequence of this, going to new places is hard for her. Because I am a comfortable space for her, if I am with her she will comfortably express her anxiety outwardly in a variety of ways (and if I am not there she will shut down until she feels more comfortable in her surroundings).
Because what she wants is for me to focus solely on her to help her manage her scared feelings. Unfortunately, this is just not possible with one parent and two kids. Especially if it's a 'play date' style situation and I am also expected to interact with other adults (or children). So in these circumstances, her behavior is exacerbated because her needs are not being met.
It is unreasonable both for me to be able to meet a need so great (from Etta) whilst actively participating and meeting the needs of others (Abby and everyone else). It is also unreasonable to expect Etta to manage her upset feelings herself (she's only three and a half). So these experiences, whilst opening pathways for future activities, are fucking hard work and I am not always mentally up to the challenge.
6) Other people's reactions to Etta's behavior
I'd like to think I don't care about what other people think. And most of the time I don't. It's not that I want to be perceived as the perfect parent - I don't. I try my best to be a good enough parent and I think, most of the time, I am (although it's a struggle).
It's that kids notice stuff too. Tantrumming kids are generally regarded by the public to be 'naughty kids' or to have 'negligent parents'. I cannot tell you how many 'control your kid' stares I've had from strangers when out in public. I also cannot tell you how many times Etta has noticed those stares. Or how many times she's been negatively interacted with by strangers. I don't want her to believe that she is a naughty kid. I don't think that she is. I do believe that she has high needs that are often difficult to manage - especially in public spaces.
I fully understand that these are perfectly natural reactions and that these people aren't just total ass hats. It's just that these aren't especially helpful reactions. So if we go out and it happens sometimes then it's ok - because if someone says something mean to you once in a while it's easy to shake off. But if people are regularly telling you the same thing it's hard not to believe that it's true. I love Etta and I don't want her to believe she is a naughty kid. So that means that sometimes we'll stay home to avoid her hearing that same old rhetoric.
7) Friends responses to Etta's behavior
Like the strangers above ^, they absolutely mean no harm and are trying to do good. But hearing 'Sarah went through a phase of (behavior vaguely related to your kids behavior) and we did this (thing requiring time and stamina****) consistently and it got better' in same same but different guises for multiple problems, over and over again, doesn't feel helpful.
I know this is the intent. I know my friends are just trying to be helpful and make my life more manageable and I am grateful for that. But at that point in time, what I really want to hear is more along the lines of:
'That does fucking suck. Being a parent fucking sucks. Here's a glass of wine.*****'
Because at that point in time you feel pretty shitty as is.
So what your friends advice sounds like is:
'I'm a far more competent parent than you are.'
And that just makes you feel more shitty.
8) Because sometimes my creative energy is maxed out
Some days I just do not have the energy to have to come up with a good enough argument and counter argument as to why it's not a good day to get ice-cream. Or why the homeless guy on Great North Road smells so bad (and why we shouldn't talk about it where he can hear us). Or to explain to other people why Etta, when encountering normal human small talk turns to me and says 'Why is that person talking to me?'
Because honestly, there really is no good reason not to eat icecream unless you're lactose intolerant or vegan. The homeless guy smells because he has no easy access to showers - we shouldn't talk about it in front of him in case he's mentally unstable due to the extreme pressures of his life and wigs out and tries to murder us. And there is actually no good reason for small talk other than to make noise.
9) Fear that my kids will actually die or be kidnapped
Because this one time I came to pick Etta up from Kindy in the car because we were running late, and because she was expecting that we would walk she flipped out whilst we were playing in the park next to Kindy. So she threatened to run out on to the road - and then actually ran out onto the road. And because I didn't have Abby's pram (because I had the car) I had to give her to a stranger at the park crying, then wrestle Etta kicking and screaming into her car seat and then retrieve Abby who was thankfully not kidnapped by the stranger.
So those are the main reasons we don't always go out when it's just me and the kids.
* Yes, I want to sit my license. No, I have no idea about how to plan to do this. Ideas are welcome. Like, helpful ideas. Not 'just get over it' style ideas. And not expensive ideas (we have zero spare money) I don't like breaking the law.
** On this occasion we literally JUST made it to the bus before it pulled out. I was so glad. And a stranger man picked up Etta's shoe and just gave it to me with no evil looks or stupid sayings which I was so grateful for.
*** Having had an in-home assessment done so that we have some understanding of where to go for help with managing Etta's stuff, we are in the process of finding the right facilitators (and the money) to help us understand what she needs, and how we can help her. Why do this when she's only 3 1/2? So we have time to have some understanding around this to make the best decisions around which school will work best for her specific needs. We are waiting to get her assessed for giftedness/ASD and to start therapy for her sensory issues.
**** Time is never something I have much of. With two similar aged kids, both of whom want my constant attention, there is little space for any one on one time with either of them unless there is another adult present, and even then it's hard.
***** This is in my glamorous imaginary life where I have no qualms about daydrinking whilst caring for kids. I do have qualms. I'm an anxious person.
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