Ah Christmas, simultaneously the best and worst time of the year.
So I haven't blogged much about anything much in ages cos busy, braindead, parent etc etc. So you probably won't know this, but around September or October last year I went off my anxiety medication.
Now this post is not going to be an uplifting rant about how much more colourful the world is now I'm unmedicated. This post isn't going to be about how I'd been medicated long enough and it was time and blah blah blah. Neither of those things are true. The truth is I ran out of my anti-anxiety medication and was so busy I just didn't get any more. This is not a smart thing for people with mental health issues to do.
Why? Because there are varying side effects from going off most of these types of medications. Which is why the proper process for this is talking about it with your GP, and if they agree it's time, taking your dose down slowly until the dose is non-existent. And while side effects may be something small like dry mouth or an upset stomach, they can also result in massive depressive episodes or actual psychotic breaks.
Having been on and off these kinds of medication over many years I am totally aware of these facts. Which is why what I did was very stupid and not smart or brave or good.
The only reason I went off my meds was because I ran out. The week that I ran out I was extremely busy, and I couldn't see any time in which I could easily go to my doctors without the kids. Why without the kids? Because I have chronic anxiety about seeing doctors about my anxiety and I have never managed to do this without collapsing into a blubbery, awful mess which I don't want my kids to have to witness if at all avoidable.
So I just ran out of meds.
And then what happened was pretty meh. I was more irritable. I was very dizzy. These were the two side effects I definitely had. But other than that I actually felt ok. So then, after a week I thought maybe this will be ok. And (like many other people in my position) I didn't tell anyone I had gone off my meds until I felt like it was going to be ok.
Which is also a really shitty thing to do. Because it's not like those side effects didn't impact on other people. I can't remember if I told Murray before or after one fainting spell, but I know I didn't tell him for a while after I ran out because I felt stupid and guilty about it. Because it's not I couldn't have got help with the kids to see the doctor. I could have. But I felt as though I would have had to explain to that helping person why I had to go to the doctor so urgently. And that just seemed impossible.
And got harder the longer I was off my meds for. And because besides those minor side effects I actually did feel ok, I really didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong in not going to the doctors. Because I actually did feel ok.
Then one day it felt like something just snapped. Something happened at work - I can't even remember specifically what it was, but it was just an everyday stressful situation. The kind I could usually deal with fine and move on with my day. But instead it was like my body missed a gear, and I went into full on fight or flight mode: heart racing, stomach tightening, sweating like crazy. As a long time fairly functional anxious person I covered (I think) fairly well. I didn't even take a break, I just kept doing my job and continued with my day.
But after that, it was like something had actually broken in me chemically. Because after that day small things that whilst medicated I could manage fine - put me into a full on panic. It truly felt like I had a faulty gearbox that slipped into fourth into first and your rev counter is almost off the clock.
This was the first time since I came off my meds that I actually thought being unmedicated was not the best idea. What was difficult about this was that by this stage it was late November. Coming into Christmas meant more hours at work, more social gatherings and more stuff with the kids. So Mum was down extra to help with these things, I was working more and everyone was generally busy. And because my anxiety was so chronic, it meant asking for help to get to a GP seemed impossible.
The other issue I had was that there were genuine reasons for me to be stressed. December is the busiest month in retail - we do about 1/3 of the business for the year in that month. So work was stressful. We had someone leave a month out from Christmas and we were short staffed. So work was tough on everyone. At home we were also very busy. Etta had two Kindy trips in one week at the beginning of December both which I was a parent help at. We also had important birthdays, a specialist appointment and, a family funeral to attend over the holiday period. And that's on top of the usual Christmas parties (x 4 over three days) and baking and cleaning to do - all of which are things that even a medicated Hannah would have struggled to cope with.
And there were Christmas projects to complete. I happen to love Christmas - in spite of the stress and craziness of it all. So every year I have a list of foods and craft gifts to make. And most years I overdo things. This year (well, last year), because I knew I was so busy and not coping that well, I actually pulled back. And whilst this did still create a little stress, I felt as though I actually coped better than I have most years with setting more realistic goals, projects and time frames around my other commitments. The fact that I managed this unmedicated was a sign that maybe, I was actually coping ok.Me at the most chill part of Christmas - after the parties are over.
So what this means is that I'm still unmedicated. And I'm still unsure as to whether this is a good thing or not. I am still regularly having mini panics over small things and hate parties. And I am still tetchy and probably not nice to deal with for those closest to me when I'm anxious about something. But I'm managing. I want a little time and distance from Christmas to get some perspective as to how bad/irrational my current levels of anxiety are. I have managed for many years without medication, using other tools like therapy, mindfulness and adrenal supplements to help me manage my day to day existence.
But it isn't always enough. It is difficult working out the balance and requires checking in with other people. Because often well to unwell is a slope that you don't even realise you're heading downward on but can be quite apparent to those closest to you. It requires trusting implicitly a small circle of people. And that is extremely hard for an anxious person to do.
This post is not a cry for help. I am doing ok. Anxious, but ok. I mostly wrote it because I don't want people to feel proud of me for going off my medication.
Going off medication without assistance from a health professional is not something to be proud of - it was an awfully irresponsible thing for me to do. It has not only negatively impacted on me, but on those closest to me. And I am sorry for that. I also don't want people to think that being unmedicated is my goal - or that it should be the goal of any mentally unstable person. It isn't and it shouldn't be. Honestly. Some of us are chemically broken in ways that are difficult to fix in non-medical ways.
In spite of this, many of us will do exactly what I've done as outlined above. I hope that talking about things like this can help others like me feel less alone, guilty and fearful. Many of us have made this mistake, and many of us will make it in the future. And it doesn't make us bad people, just human. What's important is getting back on the path to wellness, in whatever form that path may take.
* I know this is minimising my mental health stuff and bad etc. But this is how I still frame it in my head. I do find it hard not to think about my own mental health this way. In part, because it feels like there are so many other immediate priorities at hand, but also in part because for my entire life many people have not taken this seriously - so it can still be difficult for me to perceive it as important even though I know that it is. Trust me, I do.
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