On Why Leaving The House With Two Kids Is Hard

Us on an easy outing yesterday - a walk to the local park

I am home alone again today (yay!) so thought I'd write something.  But my brain is foggy and I have painting to do so today's post is going to be about my current bug bear regarding kids: taking two of them out alone.

While for some people this appears to be a piece of cake - for me this is just not the case.

Here are some of the reasons why:

1) I am still not a legally licensed driver 
Why?  I have chronic anxiety about sitting my drivers license.  Like, I can't even make the phone call to book the test.  As in, I had to resit my learners license because it expired and I didn't have my original license because it was in my wallet which was stolen (many years ago now) so I had to actually resit it.  Whilst I no longer completely hate driving the idea of driving, the idea of driving with a total stranger judging my every move is absolutely terrifying.  And the fact that the fail rates for the restricted license is much higher now than if I had have sat it when I should have (about 15+ years ago) just makes it worse.  And sitting this license multiple times is very expensive and because we are not rich people this is just not going to be possible (or fun).  So whilst I do (illegally) drive the kids short distances (basically just to kindy or the mall AKA less than 2km from our house) sometimes, I try to avoid it cos, you know, it's totally illegal and being pulled over by the cops would not aid me in my anxiety.*

2) So we have to take public transport
And we not only live in a place which is totally accessible to public transport (excellent planning when buying our house if I do say so myself) but the kids love catching buses and trains.  But this is prohibitive in that if we want to go anywhere we need to:
a) plan it around bus/train timetables
b) only go to locations which are bus or train accessible
c) only go to locations which are travel time friendly
c) go on a day where the kids are not freaking out.  So not on a day where Etta is regularly 'too cold to walk' or suddenly stricken by 'too tired to move' or 'hasn't had enough Mummy Time', which is probably about 75% of the time.

3) Getting our shit together
Going out before I had kids - piece of cake.  Going out now that I have kids - not sure that it's worth the effort.  Once I've put together water, spare nappies, shoes, socks, sunblock, hats, snacks and snugglies and packed them into something I can easily carry and then changed the poo that Abby's inevitably done whilst trying to get ready to go out, and wrangled the wriggly toddler into the pram, we have often missed our 'catching the bus' window.  We then have to find something else to do for twenty minutes that can be put down easily (ie: without a tantrum) before we start the process over again.

4) Because Etta and Abby collectively weigh about 32 kg 
So if they won't walk, I have to carry them.  And unlike large sacks of potatoes, or heavy boxes of goods, they also have limbs that flail about.  Etta has given me both a black eye and a fat lip.  And I have dropped her once.  So carrying both kids tantruming to the car/bus/train is not a safe option for anyone.  And it's fucking hard work!  Totally kills your arms.  And back.  And shoulders.  I am not designed for this shit.

5) So use a pram... 
We do!  Most of the time this works ok.  But Abby can tantrum so hard that I have physically not been able to put her back into the pram before (we had to downsize our Mountain Buggy as Abby was too big for it.  Seriously).  And whilst I have had to carry Etta log styles mid tantrum (she lost a shoe) whilst pushing a totally fine Abby in the pram, this was physically difficult and dangerous and not something I aspire to do again any time soon.**

5) Etta gets anxious about new things 
Whilst Etta's anxiety is likely triggered by my anxiety, there is plenty of evidence which suggests that she is just an anxious kid.  Given how anxious I was during my pregnancy with her it is no surprise that she also has anxiety***.  As a consequence of this, going to new places is hard for her.  Because I am a comfortable space for her, if I am with her she will comfortably express her anxiety outwardly in a variety of ways (and if I am not there she will shut down until she feels more comfortable in her surroundings). 

Because what she wants is for me to focus solely on her to help her manage her scared feelings.  Unfortunately, this is just not possible with one parent and two kids.  Especially if it's a 'play date' style situation and I am also expected to interact with other adults (or children).  So in these circumstances, her behavior is exacerbated because her needs are not being met.

It is unreasonable both for me to be able to meet a need so great (from Etta) whilst actively participating and meeting the needs of others (Abby and everyone else).  It is also unreasonable to expect Etta to manage her upset feelings herself (she's only three and a half).  So these experiences, whilst opening pathways for future activities, are fucking hard work and I am not always mentally up to the challenge.

6) Other people's reactions to Etta's behavior
I'd like to think I don't care about what other people think.  And most of the time I don't.  It's not that I want to be perceived as the perfect parent - I don't.  I try my best to be a good enough parent and I think, most of the time, I am (although it's a struggle). 

It's that kids notice stuff too.  Tantrumming kids are generally regarded by the public to be 'naughty kids' or to have 'negligent parents'.  I cannot tell you how many 'control your kid' stares I've had from strangers when out in public.  I also cannot tell you how many times Etta has noticed those stares.  Or how many times she's been negatively interacted with by strangers.  I don't want her to believe that she is a naughty kid.  I don't think that she is.  I do believe that she has high needs that are often difficult to manage - especially in public spaces.

I fully understand that these are perfectly natural reactions and that these people aren't just total ass hats.  It's just that these aren't especially helpful reactions.  So if we go out and it happens sometimes then it's ok - because if someone says something mean to you once in a while it's easy to shake off.  But if people are regularly telling you the same thing it's hard not to believe that it's true.  I love Etta and I don't want her to believe she is a naughty kid.  So that means that sometimes we'll stay home to avoid her hearing that same old rhetoric.

7) Friends responses to Etta's behavior
Like the strangers above ^, they absolutely mean no harm and are trying to do good.  But hearing 'Sarah went through a phase of (behavior vaguely related to your kids behavior) and we did this (thing requiring time and stamina****) consistently and it got better' in same same but different guises for multiple problems, over and over again, doesn't feel helpful.

I know this is the intent.  I know my friends are just trying to be helpful and make my life more manageable and I am grateful for that.  But at that point in time, what I really want to hear is more along the lines of:
'That does fucking suck.  Being a parent fucking sucks.  Here's a glass of wine.*****'

Because at that point in time you feel pretty shitty as is.
So what your friends advice sounds like is:
'I'm a far more competent parent than you are.'
And that just makes you feel more shitty.

8) Because sometimes my creative energy is maxed out
Some days I just do not have the energy to have to come up with a good enough argument and counter argument as to why it's not a good day to get ice-cream.  Or why the homeless guy on Great North Road smells so bad (and why we shouldn't talk about it where he can hear us).  Or to explain to other people why Etta, when encountering normal human small talk turns to me and says 'Why is that person talking to me?'

Because honestly, there really is no good reason not to eat icecream unless you're lactose intolerant or vegan.  The homeless guy smells because he has no easy access to showers - we shouldn't talk about it in front of him in case he's mentally unstable due to the extreme pressures of his life and wigs out and tries to murder us.  And there is actually no good reason for small talk other than to make noise.

9) Fear that my kids will actually die or be kidnapped
Because this one time I came to pick Etta up from Kindy in the car because we were running late, and because she was expecting that we would walk she flipped out whilst we were playing in the park next to Kindy.  So she threatened to run out on to the road - and then actually ran out onto the road.  And because I didn't have Abby's pram (because I had the car) I had to give her to a stranger at the park crying, then wrestle Etta kicking and screaming into her car seat and then retrieve Abby who was thankfully not kidnapped by the stranger.

So those are the main reasons we don't always go out when it's just me and the kids.


* Yes, I want to sit my license.  No, I have no idea about how to plan to do this.  Ideas are welcome.  Like, helpful ideas.  Not 'just get over it' style ideas.  And not expensive ideas (we have zero spare money) I don't like breaking the law.

** On this occasion we literally JUST made it to the bus before it pulled out.  I was so glad.  And a stranger man picked up Etta's shoe and just gave it to me with no evil looks or stupid sayings which I was so grateful for.

*** Having had an in-home assessment done so that we have some understanding of where to go for help with managing Etta's stuff, we are in the process of finding the right facilitators (and the money) to help us understand what she needs, and how we can help her.  Why do this when she's only 3 1/2?  So we have time to have some understanding around this to make the best decisions around which school will work best for her specific needs.   We are waiting to get her assessed for giftedness/ASD and to start therapy for her sensory issues.


**** Time is never something I have much of.  With two similar aged kids, both of whom want my constant attention, there is little space for any one on one time with either of them unless there is another adult present, and even then it's hard. 

***** This is in my glamorous imaginary life where I have no qualms about daydrinking whilst caring for kids.  I do have qualms.  I'm an anxious person.

On Going Off My Meds and Panic Attacks and Christmas

Ah Christmas, simultaneously the best and worst time of the year.

So I haven't blogged much about anything much in ages cos busy, braindead, parent etc etc.  So you probably won't know this, but around September or October last year I went off my anxiety medication.

Now this post is not going to be an uplifting rant about how much more colourful the world is now I'm unmedicated.  This post isn't going to be about how I'd been medicated long enough and it was time and blah blah blah.  Neither of those things are true.  The truth is I ran out of my anti-anxiety medication and was so busy I just didn't get any more.  This is not a smart thing for people with mental health issues to do.

Why?  Because there are varying side effects from going off most of these types of medications.  Which is why the proper process for this is talking about it with your GP, and if they agree it's time, taking your dose down slowly until the dose is non-existent.  And while side effects may be something small like dry mouth or an upset stomach, they can also result in massive depressive episodes or actual psychotic breaks.

Having been on and off these kinds of medication over many years I am totally aware of these facts.  Which is why what I did was very stupid and not smart or brave or good.

The only reason I went off my meds was because I ran out.  The week that I ran out I was extremely busy, and I couldn't see any time in which I could easily go to my doctors without the kids.  Why without the kids?  Because I have chronic anxiety about seeing doctors about my anxiety and I have never managed to do this without collapsing into a blubbery, awful mess which I don't want my kids to have to witness if at all avoidable.

So I just ran out of meds.

And then what happened was pretty meh.  I was more irritable.  I was very dizzy.  These were the two side effects I definitely had.  But other than that I actually felt ok.  So then, after a week I thought maybe this will be ok.  And (like many other people in my position) I didn't tell anyone I had gone off my meds until I felt like it was going to be ok. 

Which is also a really shitty thing to do.  Because it's not like those side effects didn't impact on other people.  I can't remember if I told Murray before or after one fainting spell, but I know I didn't tell him for a while after I ran out because I felt stupid and guilty about it.  Because it's not I couldn't have got help with the kids to see the doctor.  I could have.  But I felt as though I would have had to explain to that helping person why I had to go to the doctor so urgently.  And that just seemed impossible.

And got harder the longer I was off my meds for.  And because besides those minor side effects I actually did feel ok, I really didn't feel like I was doing anything wrong in not going to the doctors.  Because I actually did feel ok.

Then one day it felt like something just snapped.  Something happened at work - I can't even remember specifically what it was, but it was just an everyday stressful situation.  The kind I could usually deal with fine and move on with my day.  But instead it was like my body missed a gear, and I went into full on fight or flight mode: heart racing, stomach tightening, sweating like crazy.  As a long time fairly functional anxious person I covered (I think) fairly well.  I didn't even take a break, I just kept doing my job and continued with my day.

But after that, it was like something had actually broken in me chemically.  Because after that day small things that whilst medicated I could manage fine - put me into a full on panic.  It truly felt like I had a faulty gearbox that slipped into fourth into first and your rev counter is almost off the clock.

This was the first time since I came off my meds that I actually thought being unmedicated was not the best idea.  What was difficult about this was that by this stage it was late November.  Coming into Christmas meant more hours at work, more social gatherings and more stuff with the kids.  So Mum was down extra to help with these things, I was working more and everyone was generally busy.  And because my anxiety was so chronic, it meant asking for help to get to a GP seemed impossible.

The other issue I had was that there were genuine reasons for me to be stressed.  December is the busiest month in retail - we do about 1/3 of the business for the year in that month.  So work was stressful.  We had someone leave a month out from Christmas and we were short staffed.  So work was tough on everyone.  At home we were also very busy.  Etta had two Kindy trips in one week at the beginning of December both which I was a parent help at.  We also had important birthdays, a specialist appointment and, a family funeral to attend over the holiday period.  And that's on top of the usual Christmas parties (x 4 over three days) and baking and cleaning to do - all of which are things that even a medicated Hannah would have struggled to cope with.

And there were Christmas projects to complete.  I happen to love Christmas - in spite of the stress and craziness of it all.  So every year I have a list of foods and craft gifts to make.  And most years I overdo things.  This year (well, last year), because I knew I was so busy and not coping that well, I actually pulled back.  And whilst this did still create a little stress, I felt as though I actually coped better than I have most years with setting more realistic goals, projects and time frames around my other commitments.  The fact that I managed this unmedicated was a sign that maybe, I was actually coping ok.



 


Me at the most chill part of Christmas - after the parties are over.

So what this means is that I'm still unmedicated.  And I'm still unsure as to whether this is a good thing or not.  I am still regularly having mini panics over small things and hate parties.  And I am still tetchy and probably not nice to deal with for those closest to me when I'm anxious about something.  But I'm managing.  I want a little time and distance from Christmas to get some perspective as to how bad/irrational my current levels of anxiety are.  I have managed for many years without medication, using other tools like therapy, mindfulness and adrenal supplements to help me manage my day to day existence.

But it isn't always enough.  It is difficult working out the balance and requires checking in with other people.  Because often well to unwell is a slope that you don't even realise you're heading downward on but can be quite apparent to those closest to you.  It requires trusting implicitly a small circle of people.  And that is extremely hard for an anxious person to do.

This post is not a cry for help.  I am doing ok.  Anxious, but ok. I mostly wrote it because I don't want people to feel proud of me for going off my medication.

Going off medication without assistance from a health professional is not something to be proud of - it was an awfully irresponsible thing for me to do.  It has not only negatively impacted on me, but on those closest to me.  And I am sorry for that.  I also don't want people to think that being unmedicated is my goal - or that it should be the goal of any mentally unstable person.  It isn't and it shouldn't be.  Honestly.  Some of us are chemically broken in ways that are difficult to fix in non-medical ways.

In spite of this, many of us will do exactly what I've done as outlined above.  I hope that talking about things like this can help others like me feel less alone, guilty and fearful.  Many of us have made this mistake, and many of us will make it in the future.  And it doesn't make us bad people, just human.  What's important is getting back on the path to wellness, in whatever form that path may take.

* I know this is minimising my mental health stuff and bad etc.  But this is how I still frame it in my head.  I do find it hard not to think about my own mental health this way.  In part, because it feels like there are so many other immediate priorities at hand, but also in part because for my entire life many people have not taken this seriously - so it can still be difficult for me to perceive it as important even though I know that it is.  Trust me, I do.