And then Etta was a wee bit early and delivered by emergency C Section.
Because of all the stories you hear about C Sections and breastfeeding I was pretty worried, but in all the conundrum of emergency room and new baby, my Midwife just put her on my boob (no decorum in the delivery room) and it magically worked - she was feeding. Hallelujah!
I soon found it didn't magically work like that all the time. I was so grateful to move from Waitakere Hospital to the Helensville Birthing Units where the nurses were also trained lactation consultants. I had been meaning to go to a lactation class before I had Etta, but with her being a little early, like many other pre-baby plans it fell by the wayside. These women were a godsend. Because of my C Section some of the more traditional feeding holds I had been shown in hospital were quite uncomfortable for me and we had difficulty with latching. They helped me find a position that worked (rugby hold) which made a huge difference. I do think I would have struggled with breastfeeding without that amazing support and education in the first five days.*
Although I 100% believed (and believe) that breastfeeding is the most natural thing in the world, it didn't feel that way at first. I have never been a 'babies' person and all things 'baby' were terrifying and foreign to me - especially breastfeeding. You have to maneuvre one very delicate thing into the mouth of another very delicate thing - it's pretty scary to start off with! (And scary all over again once one of those things gets teeth!) And when your milk comes in around day 3 and they feed ALLTHETIME on raw nipples it kinda feels like you're trapped in some sort of hell where you will be doing this for all eternity.
Thankfully, things got easier. We did have issues with latching early on and did investigate an upper lip tie (not the problem). I did get extremely chafed and sore nipples. I did get blocked milk ducts a couple of times, but managed to avoid mastitis by following my gut and expressing and feeding as much as possible. I got over the awkwardness of how to hold Etta pretty quickly, and had a very supportive group of whanau and friends. While I'm not a total prude, I had anticipated I would find feeding around other people uncomfortable. However, once I was a Mum I didn't bat an eye - it ended up being less of a deal than I'd imagined as feeding Etta became a natural priority.
We tried expressing milk so I could have more 'away' time, but unfortunately this was something that didn't work out for me. I had difficulty expressing, and then, after eventually managing to get enough for Murray to try using it we found I had a weird excess lipase issue, which meant my milk went off quickly. So I just breastfed as required.
I know a lot of women have difficulty being in the position I was, but it was ok for me. Before having Etta we'd talked about and decided that I could be a stay at home Mum for at least the first few years. In my pre-baby state I figured that meant full time full on Mummydom, so I was invested before I knew what I was getting myself into. Looking after a baby (my baby) ended up being far more fun than I had anticipated it would - I truly love being a Mum. So having to be quite attached (via breastfeeding) to my daughter never felt like too much - it felt like exactly what I had committed myself to before getting pregnant. I know it doesn't feel like this for everyone and I was expecting to feel the opposite when I was pregnant as I'm a very independent person** so I am super thankful that in spite of that added attachment I've enjoyed Etta's babyhood.
And as things turned out I went back to part time work when she was 10 months old, and even with the restrictions we had with feeding, this worked out just fine.
Before having Etta I had it in my head that I'd feed her up to two years which is the World Health Organisation's recommendation for breastfeeding. That was about as far as I'd gotten with breastfeeding planning and ideals. I was quite terrified of the idea of feeding beyond two - this concept informed solely from knowing a few guys who were extremely 'breast obsessed' - all of whom had been breastfed until age five or six ie: not very well informed.
Like many things pre-baby, post-baby this changed. Breastfeeding has been an integral part of bonding with my daughter. When she was first born and I couldn't do a lot post surgery, it felt like it was the one useful thing I could do. From early on, the idea of having to enforce weaning felt unnatural to me. While many friends weaned, or had their children self wean around a year, I fed on.
I definitely had pressure to wean her earlier. When she was around 10 or 11 months my GP recommended topping up her feeds with formula at night to help us both sleep better (we are both terrible sleepers). I knew this was totally normal, and many of my friends with similarly aged babies were doing exactly this. But because I knew the (my) sleep thing was mostly an anxiety thing I decided to ignore this advice*** and instead got some help to manage my anxiety better. And Etta's sleep has gradually improved on its own. I had a Plunket visit shortly after I found out I was pregnant, and was recommended to wean Etta for health reasons (I was pregnant and anaemic). Etta was about 15 months old. I knew it was actually sensible advice but I just couldn't do it. It just felt wrong for us.
And there was societal pressure. While all of my friends and family have been totally supportive of my still feeding Etta, I still felt like I had to question this choice purely because I knew very few people still feeding their littlun's at similar ages. I don't believe in any particular 'style' of parenting - I just do what seems to work for me and my child. In order to do that though I've had to trust my gut and ignore that perceived pressure. I stopped feeding Etta in public and around friends at around 12 months - partly due to how we managed her feeds, but also for fear of judging eyes. Retrospectively, I wish I hadn't - the more other mothers see older babies and toddlers being fed, the more they may feel it's ok.
Right now I am nearly 29 weeks with surprise baby #2 and Etta has just weaned herself at just over 20 months. She still asks for 'Mummy milk' but doesn't actually drink - I think it's more of a routine and comfort thing than anything else. A few weeks ago we were in Rarotonga for a holiday - Etta had been making moves to wean prior to that, but fed a LOT over there. Because of all the excitement, change and upheaval, she didn't really eat very well while we were there, so I was extremely grateful she was still feeding then. But clearly Etta had decided it was time - she stopped shortly after we got home.
I thought I would feel some sense of loss when Etta weaned, but I haven't. It was just time. And I'm quite glad. While I was prepared for the possibility of tandem feeding, I was worried about the impact that would have on my health (possible anaemia with toddler and new baby), so that will be one less thing to worry about when this new person turns up.
I can't recommend breastfeeding enough to those who are able but unsure. It's definitely not always easy, and it won't work for everyone but it is worth persisting for at least a little while. Not only is it great nutrition for bubs, but for us it made immunisations so much more manageable. It has aided us through illness and supported us in times of stress. It has helped me feel close to my daughter, and in the early days helped me acclimatise myself to feeling like a 'Mum'.
I hope I'm lucky enough to be able to breastfeed baby number 2 for at least the first six months, and to have the confidence to feed for as long as that baby deems necessary. And if not, I hope I can have the confidence to just do what works for my child.
* For so many other reasons as well! I had absolutely no clue how to do anything baby related - change a nappy, dress a baby, give them a bath. The whole new Mum thing was quite terrifying (especially post surgery fragile, in pain state). I can't recommend enough that if you do not feel ready to go home - don't. I'm pretty sure that in New Zealand it is your legal right to be in hospital for up to two weeks. Stay until you feel safe you can do things by yourself. It is your right. Becoming a Mum can be scary and confusing - there is a lot of basic stuff to learn - especially if you have little to zero experience with babies.
** A very independent person who also has anxiety issues to constantly monitor - so thought there was no way I'd get through the early years of being a Mum without becoming a crazy, blubbering mess.
***I just need to say here that I'm not anti formula. At all. I'm just a tight arse. I don't think it's a poison, and in fact will have saved countless thousands of babies lives worldwide over time. I just feel like if you can do without and your baby is healthy, happy and growing fine, it's not necessary. Etta has never had formula, but she has never needed to. While I hope this is also the case with our next child I know it may not be and that will be ok too (our budget is slightly more flexible these days). I think all parents should do what feels best for themselves, their child and their family, whatever that may be.
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