Check out those badass staples!
A C Section was the last way I was hoping to have a baby. This is not because of all the claptrap around not bonding with your baby, or because I wanted to experience a natural birth (although I did), but because it's major surgery. I didn't want to be recovering from major surgery when I'd just become a parent. I've had minor abdominal surgeries with no children to look after and that was hard enough. But being well aware that you have very little control over what happens in birth, I had prepared myself for the possibility beforehand. So when the Dr said 'I'm sorry but you have to have a Caesarian Section' I really wasn't fussed. Which is good, because I couldn't have delivered her any other way.
Having as much necessary information as possible has always helped make me feel calmer, particularly around medical issues. So while I was pregnant I watched a range of different deliveries so I had some idea of what I was in for no matter what happened. Despite really wanting a natural labour, I was aware this might not be an option. So I not only watched regular natural and water births, but also an epidural and C Section. I am so glad that I did! Although I'm usually not a chicken with medical procedures, epidural has always freaked me a bit - needle in spine always just seemed wrong. So I'm glad I'd randomly had a thorough discussion with my midwife about my fears at the appointment just prior to my labour. Despite this fear, there were several points in labour where I was begging for an epidural...
I've already told you what actually happened in the C Section. To recap - once the epidural is working, the baby is delivered quickly, it is the fixing up afterward that takes time. It doesn't hurt, although you can still feel sensations, and I didn't find it scary at all. The staff were warm and wonderful. Basically it was far less traumatic for me than the unsuccessful pushing and running around of medical staff prior.
It seemed expected that new Mum's who've had emergency Caesars will be traumatised by it. Every single hospital type person I had contact with said 'Just because you've had one this time doesn't mean you can't have a natural birth next time.' I honestly didn't give a shit. If it weren't for the C Section and it were ye olden times, Etta and I would have died, or my vagina would have been horribly, irreversibly mangled. I think those outcomes are just a tad more traumatic than the recovery, some of the possible negative outcomes, or any old wives tales associated with C Sections.
I think the expected trauma is at least partly to blame on the whole 'You will have trouble bonding with your baby if you have a C Section' thing - which I reckon is total bollocks. I have nothing to compare this bonding thing to having not had a natural labour, but I can tell you that as soon as Etta heard my voice in theatre she stopped crying. Your baby knows who you are regardless of how they arrive in this world. They have to listen to you harping on the entire time you are pregnant - they have no choice.* And most midwifes and obstetricians know how important bonding is. As soon as it was possible Etta was put on my chest and had a boob in her mouth. I'm not even sure how that happened. Skin to skin seems to be standard practice in all delivery methods, including C Sections. And although there are other things not ideal about C Section, like a large increase in the incidence of allergies, allergies in my humble opinion, are a much healthier option than death.
I can understand where that perception of not bonding comes from though. The first night and the first few days were absolutely the toughest because I couldn't pick her up. I felt absolutely useless having to rely on others to do things for me. And because Murray was brilliant I felt like a total failure as a parent. I spent a good chunk of the first few weeks crying because I felt inadequate. I'm sure this is a pretty normal way to feel as a new mum, but it was definitely exacerbated by my inability to do things due to having a Caesar.
The other thing I felt which I wasn't expecting is jealousy. I felt extremely jealous of Murray. I was jealous of how he could do everything for Etta while I couldn't. The only thing that truly helped this was the fact that I could breastfeed. At least I felt like I was contributing something important. I don't know how much worse I would have felt had I not been able to do that, and I feel sad for the many women who want to and can't. And when I was well enough to change and dress her, I was sure I was doing it all wrong. I was sure that Murray would do a better job because he already had three days more experience than I had, which being someone who was never really keen on small babies, was zero.
And I know it's silly but I still kinda feel this way. It is great that Murray is such a fantastic Dad, I always knew he would be. But my feelings of inadequacy are not helped by people constantly telling me how close Etta and Murray clearly are, while reiterating the old wives tale that daughters are always closer to their fathers than their mothers. Why anyone would think that is a nice thing to say to a new Mum is ridiculous. It feels like they're actually saying 'Your baby obviously prefers her Dad to you'. It'd make much more sense to just say 'Murray is a great Dad' or 'Murray seems to be taking this parenting thing in his stride'. Or even better: 'You two are great parents' or 'You both look like you're doing a fabulous job'. Sometimes women need to be told that they're actually doing a good job. Especially inexperienced new Mums with no prior experience with babies and a known history of mental health issues...**
In terms of the physical recovery it's been rougher than other surgeries I've had which is to be expected - it's a big cut! The thing that's been hardest to get used to is the topical pain. I'm really used to that feeling of your muscles knitting back together, which I've also had with the C Section, but the actual scar area is really sore. This will just be because it covers such a large area. I've had to breastfeed Etta in the football hold as I can't have her anywhere near my stomach. And I'm still wearing my giant Nana knickers - they have been a lifesaver. Because it's not just the scar area that hurts to touch, but the area above. It just feels really bruised, which makes sense when you think about it. Up until recently even going for a short drive was painful. I have to say I took pain relief for much longer than I was prescribed it - it really is a six week recovery.
This week, just before the six week mark, I'm starting to feel human again. While it's still sore to touch, I am not taking Panadol on a daily basis any more. I managed to mop the bathroom and kitchen floors and it didn't write the rest of my day off. I'm still wearing Nana knickers, but I am now wearing regular pants rather than maternity pants or pyjamas. I am less tired and am able to do more normal household stuff than I could a few weeks ago. It's brilliant.
And I am not at all worried about the scar. It is MUCH better than I thought it would be. I mean, it's pretty big, but it's very clean. I've really enjoyed showing it to people once I got the staples out, and I thought having staples in my stomach was pretty cool. I guess I'm still a bit like a seven year old - I like having big scars. And to be honest I have another surgical scar from several minor surgeries which is much more heinous. I do not feel at all physically disfigured by the C Section, and no-one should. It's a pretty standard procedure and the people who do them really know what they're doing.
While I would still never have an elective C Section, I do think C Sections are given an undeserved bad rep. I was grateful that our antenatal lady didn't paint too terrible a picture of it, but know of others who did not fare so well. There is nothing wrong with having a C Section. Not managing a natural birth does not make you a failure. Having a C Section will not stop you from bonding with your baby. Rather than harming your child, an emergency C Section usually saves the life of your child, and possibly you too. While I found the recovery difficult, not everyone will. And for many the 'trauma' of recovery can outweigh the 'trauma' of trying for a natural birth after having had a C Section. And while I will never describe anything as a 'badge of honour' (blergh!) C Section scars most definitely are bad ass. Getting pretty much cut in half is cool dagnabbit!
* Unless they are deaf. And if they are deaf they can feel your talking in utero and will probably still know it is you if you are holding them.
** In saying this, Dad's definitely need praise too. I have a feeling that most parents returning to work soon after the birth might also feel similarly, both Mum's and Dad's.
The thing that pisses both me and Murray off around this praise thing the most is that only praising the Dad is kind of like praising a man for doing housework - it is expected that a woman will do it so they don't require praise, but if a man does it, wow, that's really something. If we want true gender equality we need to treat both parents the same. This means expecting Dad's to be fantastic at hands on parenting as much as we expect Mum's to. Which means equal praise and equal expectations.
