I was bullied through most of my schooling because I was different. I was poor, I was smart and I spoke my mind, so I was an easy target. My first memories of bullying were at the primary school I was at from age 7 - 12. In this instance, the bullying was perpetrated by one person - I like to think of her as my nemesis. I think I was competition to her, and she didn't know how to deal with that. This bullying was never physical, it was name calling and attempts to alienate me from my peer group. Our school was a small one, so there weren’t very many people to be friends with.
This bullying was brought to a halt by a mutual friend who told our teacher. In doing so, she put herself directly in the firing line. As kids, this was perceived as a ‘betrayal’ of a friendship, so it was a very big thing she had done. I was glad this didn’t end her friendship with my bully, as they had been friends for a long time, and they are actually still friends now, almost 20 years on. This bullying was minimised, because one little girl was brave and took a big risk to help me out.
The bullying that I experienced at my first high school was much worse. It came from many directions and I was bullied by different people for a range of things. On the bus, I was bullied because I was 'too white' to be studying Te Reo Maori. The bullying came from older, bigger girls from the local Marae on my bus route. It consisted of name calling, pushing, being sprayed with water, having my things taken from me, and being threatened with physical violence.
I was bullied by kids in my year for being a 'slut'. I was a fast developer, so this was always on the cards. Things got worse when two boys spread rumours that they had slept with me (I had made out with one of them). Then I did a very dumb thing and let a boy I had a crush on, kiss me during lunch time where others could see. After this, the bullying escalated. There were areas of the school that I didn't feel safe walking in because it was so bad. The 'cool' girls ignored me, and made snide comments when they thought I couldn't hear them, and the boys were just outright rude.
My good friends did not abandon me, so I wasn't totally alone, but it was hard. I didn't know how to articulate what was happening to me at school, and we had other problems at home. I developed an eating disorder, hoping to get rid of my 'fat' (hips and boobs), and eventually stopped going to school. My mother and I worked out a budget and a plan, so I could commute to go to a bigger school in West Auckland. I disguised this as 'wanting more options', which was not untrue, but was definitely not the primary driver for my wanting to move schools.
In a bigger school, my differences were not so big. For me, the school bullying was over. I thrived at my new school. I was not the smartest, or the loudest, or the poorest – I fit in. I was never one of the 'cool' kids, but I had friends and I got along with most people whilst still being me. Even though I was no longer a target of bullying, it still happened to others.
In 7th form (Year 13) I was a prefect and some of us prefects attempted to start an anti-bullying group at our school. We brought the idea up at one of our weekly prefect meetings, and the answer we got from our principal was 'We don't have bullying in our school.' I was astounded at the time, and we tried to get our group off the ground without support. The only teacher who did support us was the special needs teacher, who understood like we did that bullying happens everywhere. It never really got off the ground, but we did try, and the few groups we did hold were very rewarding.
I was saddened to learn when speaking to my younger cousin recently, that the response to bullying at this high school hasn't changed. When I asked her if they were doing Pink Shirt Day, she said they weren't. She then told me of the trials her PSS group has with getting the school to support their initiatives. This is the attitude that allows bullying to thrive. This attitude needs to change.
Being bullied had huge ramifications down the line for me. I had trust issues with women up until my early 20's. I had problems with body image and still struggle with my relationship with food. I was a tomboy with mostly male friends, who constantly had to be in a relationship to avoid male attention. When single, I was promiscuous. I had, and still have, self-esteem issues.
Bullying isn't only harmful to those who are bullied, it is usually a sign that the bully is also hurting. I was extremely surprised in my early 20's to receive an email via Oldfriends from one of the boys who lied about sleeping with me. It was an apology. He talked a little about where this had come from. He had an unstable home life, and was hurt and lashing out. It made me so sad. Not only was I affected by his actions, but he had carried that guilt around for almost ten years. The things we tell ourselves about ourselves are often more negative than what others have to say.
And sometimes what we perceive as a joke, isn't. It is easy to hurt other peoples feelings without knowing we've done so. I am an opinionated and bossy person, and know this can sometimes come across badly. My bossiness could easily be construed as bullying when around quiet people. I have friends now that when they first met me were 'scared' of me. I am a friendly person, and don't perceive myself as a bully, but can see how it's possible others do. Bullying happens inadvertently within peer groups all the time. Sometimes all it takes to sort it out is saying 'When you do this, it makes me feel...' Most people don't like to make others feel badly.
As adults we may encounter bullying through our workplace, tertiary education, sports teams and peer groups. I have been lucky to avoid it for the most part, and have had positive experiences that have helped heal old hurts. When recently I did experience quite serious bullying, I took action. Once it got to the point where I was threatened with physical violence (which was after weeks of neither me nor my partner interacting with this person) I registered all the information with my local police to ensure if there was an assault, or I needed to get a protection order, all of the information was on the table. This stopped it. I know this person has personal issues which informed the extreme behaviour, but it didn't make that behaviour ok.
It doesn't matter if you have never experienced bullying yourself, these lessons are still important. Most of us are witnesses to forms of bullying at some stage in our lives. And most of us are too scared to stop it. The little girl at my primary school was my hero. Her small action made a huge difference to my life. I'm sure most people reading this are much older, bigger and tougher than she was. Surely we can all take a stance on bullying by doing a small thing, and wearing a pink shirt to work tomorrow.
The Herald has run a series of fabulous articles about bullying over last week. Check out the link below for the first.
http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10803980
I also want to give a big shout out to all the brave Kiwi celebs in the Pink Shirt Day video, to my friend Erin Faye, who is this campaigns Mum, and to Anna-Kaye for speaking out about bullying in her new music video
