On Pink Shirt Day and bullying

Pink Shirt Day is tomorrow (May 18th). It's a day where you wear a pink shirt to raise awareness around bullying, and the power we each hold as individuals to fight it. This year is NZd’s first year celebrating Pink Shirt Day. It began in Canada in 2007 when a group of students wore pink shirts in solidarity to support a friend who was bullied for wearing a pink shirt. Bullying isn't just a problem within schools, it follows us through adulthood in many areas of life. Talking about ways of managing bullying, and being open about our bullying experiences is useful to everyone. Never underestimate the negative impact bullying can have on a person. Never underestimate how choices you make to do small things can make a big difference.

I was bullied through most of my schooling because I was different. I was poor, I was smart and I spoke my mind, so I was an easy target. My first memories of bullying were at the primary school I was at from age 7 - 12. In this instance, the bullying was perpetrated by one person - I like to think of her as my nemesis. I think I was competition to her, and she didn't know how to deal with that. This bullying was never physical, it was name calling and attempts to alienate me from my peer group. Our school was a small one, so there weren’t very many people to be friends with.

This bullying was brought to a halt by a mutual friend who told our teacher. In doing so, she put herself directly in the firing line. As kids, this was perceived as a ‘betrayal’ of a friendship, so it was a very big thing she had done. I was glad this didn’t end her friendship with my bully, as they had been friends for a long time, and they are actually still friends now, almost 20 years on. This bullying was minimised, because one little girl was brave and took a big risk to help me out.

The bullying that I experienced at my first high school was much worse. It came from many directions and I was bullied by different people for a range of things. On the bus, I was bullied because I was 'too white' to be studying Te Reo Maori. The bullying came from older, bigger girls from the local Marae on my bus route. It consisted of name calling, pushing, being sprayed with water, having my things taken from me, and being threatened with physical violence.

I was bullied by kids in my year for being a 'slut'. I was a fast developer, so this was always on the cards. Things got worse when two boys spread rumours that they had slept with me (I had made out with one of them).  Then I did a very dumb thing and let a boy I had a crush on, kiss me during lunch time where others could see.  After this, the bullying escalated. There were areas of the school that I didn't feel safe walking in because it was so bad. The 'cool' girls ignored me, and made snide comments when they thought I couldn't hear them, and the boys were just outright rude.

My good friends did not abandon me, so I wasn't totally alone, but it was hard. I didn't know how to articulate what was happening to me at school, and we had other problems at home. I developed an eating disorder, hoping to get rid of my 'fat' (hips and boobs), and eventually stopped going to school. My mother and I worked out a budget and a plan, so I could commute to go to a bigger school in West Auckland. I disguised this as 'wanting more options', which was not untrue, but was definitely not the primary driver for my wanting to move schools.

In a bigger school, my differences were not so big. For me, the school bullying was over. I thrived at my new school. I was not the smartest, or the loudest, or the poorest – I fit in. I was never one of the 'cool' kids, but I had friends and I got along with most people whilst still being me.  Even though I was no longer a target of bullying, it still happened to others.

In 7th form (Year 13) I was a prefect and some of us prefects attempted to start an anti-bullying group at our school. We brought the idea up at one of our weekly prefect meetings, and the answer we got from our principal was 'We don't have bullying in our school.' I was astounded at the time, and we tried to get our group off the ground without support. The only teacher who did support us was the special needs teacher, who understood like we did that bullying happens everywhere. It never really got off the ground, but we did try, and the few groups we did hold were very rewarding.

I was saddened to learn when speaking to my younger cousin recently, that the response to bullying at this high school hasn't changed. When I asked her if they were doing Pink Shirt Day, she said they weren't. She then told me of the trials her PSS group has with getting the school to support their initiatives. This is the attitude that allows bullying to thrive. This attitude needs to change.

Being bullied had huge ramifications down the line for me. I had trust issues with women up until my early 20's. I had problems with body image and still struggle with my relationship with food. I was a tomboy with mostly male friends, who constantly had to be in a relationship to avoid male attention. When single, I was promiscuous. I had, and still have, self-esteem issues.

Bullying isn't only harmful to those who are bullied, it is usually a sign that the bully is also hurting. I was extremely surprised in my early 20's to receive an email via Oldfriends from one of the boys who lied about sleeping with me. It was an apology. He talked a little about where this had come from. He had an unstable home life, and was hurt and lashing out. It made me so sad. Not only was I affected by his actions, but he had carried that guilt around for almost ten years. The things we tell ourselves about ourselves are often more negative than what others have to say.

And sometimes what we perceive as a joke, isn't. It is easy to hurt other peoples feelings without knowing we've done so. I am an opinionated and bossy person, and know this can sometimes come across badly. My bossiness could easily be construed as bullying when around quiet people. I have friends now that when they first met me were 'scared' of me. I am a friendly person, and don't perceive myself as a bully, but can see how it's possible others do. Bullying happens inadvertently within peer groups all the time. Sometimes all it takes to sort it out is saying 'When you do this, it makes me feel...'  Most people don't like to make others feel badly.

As adults we may encounter bullying through our workplace, tertiary education, sports teams and peer groups. I have been lucky to avoid it for the most part, and have had positive experiences that have helped heal old hurts. When recently I did experience quite serious bullying, I took action. Once it got to the point where I was threatened with physical violence (which was after weeks of neither me nor my partner interacting with this person) I registered all the information with my local police to ensure if there was an assault, or I needed to get a protection order, all of the information was on the table. This stopped it. I know this person has personal issues which informed the extreme behaviour, but it didn't make that behaviour ok.

It doesn't matter if you have never experienced bullying yourself, these lessons are still important. Most of us are witnesses to forms of bullying at some stage in our lives. And most of us are too scared to stop it. The little girl at my primary school was my hero. Her small action made a huge difference to my life. I'm sure most people reading this are much older, bigger and tougher than she was. Surely we can all take a stance on bullying by doing a small thing, and wearing a pink shirt to work tomorrow.

The Herald has run a series of fabulous articles about bullying over last week. Check out the link below for the first.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10803980

I also want to give a big shout out to all the brave Kiwi celebs in the Pink Shirt Day video, to my friend Erin Faye, who is this campaigns Mum, and to Anna-Kaye for speaking out about bullying in her new music video

On a break from my diet plus my top ten tips for weight loss.

With Winter fast approaching, and picking up a little extra work for the next three months, I’ve decided to take a break from my diet.  Given what I have learned from eating carefully over the last little while, I have still managed to lose weight despite reintroducing more naughtiness, just by being sensible.

AND I’m happy to say that when I weighed myself this morning, I was pleasantly surprised to see 58.5 kilos on the screen.  I’ve spent the last more than a month trying to crack through the 59 barrier, so it felt great.  Plus, I fit my jeans, which is awesome because it’s starting to get bloody cold!  I’m still aiming for 56, but I am feeling much better about myself and my diet so I’m happy to get to that number gradually.

So today I thought I’d share with you the ten most important things, common sense I’ve learnt over this time:   

1.       Make your diet a lifestyle

A diet seems so restrictive!  If you just think of it as making a few small changes to your lifestyle, you’ll have less resentment over it.  Make it into something fun and enjoyable.  I really enjoyed working out the caloric content of my normal home cookery and making slight adjustments.  Learning new ways of cooking, and new recipes was a lot of fun.   Food math was something I enjoyed.  Make a plan for yourself that is fun for you.

2.       Don’t do it on your own

Talk about what you are doing with friends and family.  It is hard to say no to food and drink offers when out at functions.  The more open you are, the more people will understand what you are doing, and can help rather than hinder your plans.  Being open via this blog helped me be accountable for my actions regarding food, health and general self-care.  It made what I would have perceived as failures, just a part of a journey.  With friends on your side, it’s harder to beat yourself up, and easier to get on with trying to make positive changes in your life. 

3.       Portion control

It is so easy to just eat and eat if you cook big meals at home.  Being aware of how many kilojoules are in different serving sizes of different foods made me realise how significantly portion size affected my weight.   I have a tendency to want to eat LOTS of the high calorie carb based foods and less of the plain veges.  So I’ve switched my old portions around so I have less of the high cal carb food and more salad for dinner.  It still makes me full, and not deprived of pasta or potatoes, and helps me to get more vegetables in my diet.

4.       Eating regular, balanced meals

It’s said you can make or break a habit in 5 weeks.  If you don’t eat breakfast, start working on making this a habit today.  I now eat about 6 meals a day: breakfast, morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea, dinner and then usually an ‘afters’ treat.  Breakfast gives you the energy to sustain you through the day.  Eating small, regular meals helps balance your metabolism and makes you less likely to snack on high calorie, high GI foods.

5.       Eating 5 plus a day

I actually found this quite a difficult thing to do - and I’m mostly vegetarian!  Thinking about one portion as fitting into the palm of my hand made me realise that you often exaggerate the amount of vegetables you are actually eating – or what counts as a vegetable!  Once I started focusing on this I found I lost weight more quickly.  Plus you get a whole lot more nutrients into your diet.  I try to have at least three different coloured fruit and vegetables a day.  Variety is fun, and so much better for you.

6.       Being organised

I work more than 40 hours a week and spend at least four hours a week commuting to and from work.  To help ensure I didn’t eat ‘naughty’ food at work (I work in the gluten free treat shop, so that’s easy to do) I started keeping fruit, yoghurt and corn thins at work for snacks.  I also started cooking large meals regularly to pack down into left-over lunches.  This was great, because I knew exactly what was in my food.  Much better both health and cost wise than buying lunch.

7.       Being active

When I say this, I don’t mean becoming a gym bunny.  I couldn’t afford the time or money to join a gym, but just being aware of pressing play as much as I could within my normal routine was really helpful.  Take the stairs.  Walk to work.  Play at the park with your kids.  Get in the garden.  Have an epic house clean.  These are all useful things that can also burn calories.

8.       Knowing what’s in your drinks

I love my wine!  Finding out the size of a standard glass of wine (125 ml) was a revelation – my normal glass of wine was much bigger than that.  I didn’t quit the wine, but cut my consumption down and felt so much better for it.  Fruit juice, sports drinks and fizzy drinks are full of sugar and calories.  I just have water and have Coke Zero if I feel like a treat.  I still have my morning cuppa (after my hot water and lemon to kick-start my digestion), but have herbal tea at night.  Licorice tea is a great way to have a sweet hot drink treat without any extra calories.

9.      Don’t ban foods

Banning things just makes you want them more.  Then when you’re feeling like being ‘bad’ you’ll have them.  I haven’t banned anything, but there are foods that I just don't want to have after finding out what was in them.  I still eat cheese, sugar, pasta, butter and chocolate.  Just in measured moderation.

10.   Have treats in moderation

I think it’s important to have treats.  I have a list of low cal treats I can have to feel ‘normal’ when other people were having nice treat foods.  Make sure your treats are real treats, and treats you actually like.  Every day foods are not treats.  Jellybeans and chocolate and ice-cream and chippies or whatever else floats your boat are treats.  I love bananas, but they are an every-day food for me.  When I was on my diet properly, I had one ‘free’ meal a week, so I could eat whatever bad thing I wanted once a week.  Don’t deny yourself.  It’ll just make you miserable.    

On growing up poor in New Zealand

There has been a lot about kids in poverty in the news recently.  More than 20% of our kids live under the poverty line in New Zealand today.  That’s heaps.  It is frustrating for me to see those in power seeming to do very little to change this.  Instead, they have put in place tax policy that further disadvantages those in lower socio economic brackets (changes to GST), and made a scapegoat of beneficiaries during a recession.  This only serves to make things worse.  I spent much of my childhood under the poverty line, so I know first-hand the detriment this causes not just the kids, but entire families, when they feel powerless to change this.

In saying this, I seldom felt poor as a child.  We had people who loved us.  We spent most of our childhood in an idyllic landscape close to beaches and full of animals and exciting places to play.  We couldn't afford most school trips, but I loved going to school.  And although we were always poor, there were only short periods of what would be considered extreme deprivation.  

For the most part, my dad was a farm worker, and my mum was a mum who did as much other work as she could.  She was the cleaner at Waioneke Primary (South Head), and at local peoples houses.  The patches where we were actually hungry were the patches between farms.  As farm workers, our board was often free, and we also received a bit of food for free too.  These two basic things helped massively with our general survival, and my dad was a very practical hunting, fishing man living off the land man.  The thing that made things difficult was living in such an isolated place, far from our extended family, and pretty much everything else.

Living in such an isolated area often meant being trapped.  If you have no money for gas, you can’t leave.  Siphoning petrol from lawnmowers, farm machinery and motorbikes was a common occurrence when we had money.  This enabled us to get out and get groceries, or more petrol to get my parents to work.  When we had no money there was no petrol in the lawnmower, little food and no escape.

When you are actually in poverty, applying logic to the situation you are in is not simple.  You are starving.  If you are a parent, you are likely feeling like a terrible parent - extremely worthless.  If you feel worthless, you will likely be depressed.  If you feel depressed and trapped, you will likely lash out at others.  If you are depressed and alienated, you are more likely to suffer from addiction.  If you suffer from addiction, you are more likely to make poor financial decisions.  If you feel worthless, and a failure as a parent, why does it matter?  And if you live in isolation from friends and family, it is difficult to get help.

Living in poverty is living in constant fear.  Fear that you will lose the little you have.  Fear that you are failing your children.  Fear that your children will be taken from you.  Fear of illness, and more bills.  Fear that your friends and family pity you, or are ashamed of you.  Fear that the situation will never change and this is how you will live your entire life.

Even if you are a child of poverty who’s parents escaped, or has escaped yourself, having lived like this follows you for your whole life.  I still find it difficult living in middle class suburbia.  The reality for people here is so different than the reality that made up my formative years.  I have friends who had parents were frugal and worked hard to have what they have now, so have some understanding, but it isn't the same.  

I don’t think I could bring my kids up with Santa, because the notion of Santa was so harmful for me.  I thought I got less than my cousins in my Santa sack because I’d been bad.   I still have difficulty eating oranges at any time but Christmas because it was a special food.  My fortnightly food budget is only $30 more than my friend’s fortnightly beauty budget.  I didn't own a computer until I was 25 (and that one was given to me), I'm only passionate about Commodore 64 cos we had one at school.  I feel guilty going on overseas holidays because I still have family living in poverty.  Unlike most of my generation, I do not have that sense of entitlement.  I fit better with my grandmothers generation, who lived through the depression.  I work my butt off for $16 an hour because it’s enough to pay my bills and I am grateful.

I do not think my parents failed me.  Although I know there were issues with addiction, it was never something we saw.  My parents never bought ciggies over food for us.  My parents cared about my brother and I, we were not neglected.  We were poor and life was hard, but we still had fun.  We mattered.  I'm sure my parents could have made different choices, but my parents both left school before sitting School C, so those choices were limited.  And it is different when you are in a pit trying to get out, than when you are at the top shouting down.

It took us a long time to get out of poverty - it didn't happen until I was a teenager.  The steps we had to take were drastic.  My parents had to separate, then divorce.  My mother had to move into a small two bedroom flat in Helensville.  She had to work full time for her brother in laws business in Henderson, and raise one and a half kids (Dad had joint custody of my brother).  And that was just the start.  Things were still financially tight, but we were closer to help, and closer to our family, which made a big difference.  It was so hard for mum to leave, that I had to leave first.  It is sometimes very hard to ask for help.

The only reason we could do this is because we have a loving, supportive extended family.  Without this, we would have stayed trapped.  And in all honesty, I don’t think all of us would have survived.  Poverty, depression and addiction can all lead to violence.  We lived through that too.

In order to change child poverty in New Zealand, the people in power need to understand what it’s truly like to exist in poverty.  Instead of throwing stones at beneficiaries and low income families, they need to offer an olive branch.  I am not referring to more money.  I am saying that these people feel on the outskirts of society already, we need to make them feel part of society.  Not everyone has the family support that we had, or have family living outside of poverty.  Not everyone will have the trigger that we had to change our circumstances.  Changing child poverty in New Zealand is not something that can happen overnight.

When all someone knows is how to live in poverty, how can we expect them to understand how to live any other way?  We learn our life skills from our parents, and they learn from their parents, so when people talk about generations of DPB mums, how can we be surprised that they exist?  Change is not about giving people more or less money, it is about giving people the necessary skills to understand how to live differently.  It is about acknowledging and accepting all the things that come with poverty: depression, hunger, addiction, alienation.  And it is about creating jobs and industry in those areas where there are none.

And in the meantime we should be looking after these children.  These children make up one fifth of our future generation.  We should care about them.  There are a few basic things we can give them to give them a chance to create a different future for themselves and their children: food, health care, education, life skills and a caring community that they want to be a part of.  Take the parents out of the picture, and focus on the future.

And start at home.  If you have friends and whanau that are doing it tough, ask if there is anything you can do to help.  It mightn't be money.  It might mean sharing food and other resources.  It might mean offering childcare once a week.  It might mean sitting down and looking at their budget.  It might just mean having a cup of tea and a chat.  You'll never know unless you ask. 

Charity should always be a stop gap.  When people become reliant on charity, it takes away their ability to do things for themselves.  But at the moment, the situation here is dire.  We have the 40 Hour Famine coming up where children the country over will not eat for 40 hours to support children in Mali and Niger.  We have children who are on in famine here.  Check out the charities below if you want to support Kiwi kids and the future of our country.

http://www.kidscan.org.nz/

http://www.cpag.org.nz/

http://www.salvationarmy.org.nz/giving-back/

On the attack of the bite curse (II)

Attack of the Bite Curse (II) was a film I watched many years ago as a maybe 12 year old.  One of the many bad horror/exploitation films that inspired the love I continue today for the horror genre.  This shot of my naked bitten body is supposed to make you feel like I felt watching that film.  Grossed out, but curious.  And yes, those are stretch marks.  Get over it.

Clearly, this post is not about film, but about another word that starts with the letter F and is something I despise: fleas.  I have lived my entire life in houses with pets and so the flea saga is one that has been ongoing throughout my time on this earth.  So I’ve learnt how to find the signs of fleas and the many useful ways to destroy fleas.  But I still don’t know how to prevent fleas, and more directly, how to prevent fleas from biting me.

I am one of those people who is very attractive to bugs.  I am like the wagu of people meat.  For some people, being tasty is no big deal because they barely notice when they get a bite.  Not me.  I am one of those people who reacts to EVERYTHING.  You’ll know this from reading some of my previous posts.  I have sensitive skin and sensitive insides, and I am a tasty bitch. 

This means that a flea bite results in a large, red welt which stays itchy for days.  So even once I’ve eradicated the fleas, I am a mess for about a week.  I also have skin that doesn’t heal quickly.  So even if I don’t itch, it takes about a week for the welts to go, and then another week or so for traces of the bites to be properly gone.

In this instance of the house having fleas, the fleas pulled some kind of sneak attack.  We never saw any fleas.  I just woke up one morning and looked like something from a horror film.  Over a mere three days I watched as my normally porcelain and somewhat freckled skin turned into an angry red sea of welts.  I had over 50 flea bites, and, as is common with flea bites, most of them were located on one side of my body.  I had bites on my fingers, wrist, upper arm, breast, down my side, on my hip, behind my knee, on my shins, on my thighs, on my ankles, on my toes and even under one foot.  I was not happy.

I defleaed the cats and rabbits and bombed the house.  I vacuumed the house and washed all the clothes.  And I am certain this killed all the fleas.  The problem that remained was – how do I get the itch out of the bite?

*             *             *             *             *             *             *             *                 

I wrote this first part about a week ago (life has been too busy for writing), and after this amount of time has passed, I hate to say it, but I don’t think the bites are from fleas.  Despite all best efforts to de-flea, the bite curse is still on my flesh, and I am receiving new terror bites every few days.  We have spied no fleas, nor any other insect, nor has anyone else in my home been bitten by anything.

The itch has been making me go bat shit crazy.  I have tried multiple methods to subdue the itch: Antihisan cream, baking soda and hot water, calomine lotion, deodorant (it’s supposed to coat the bite and stop oxygen getting to it and activating the itch), antihistamine tablets, moisturiser and Pinetarsol.   I complained about my bite curse on Facebook and was recommended a large number of other cures, of which I tried several (I couldn’t afford to buy all the things), again, with no success.  And also, being sure after three weeks that it isn’t fleas, I felt helpless to do anything useful to remove my bite curse.

So on Saturday I went to the chemist.  The chemist have these leaflets on all sorts of crappy skin things (scabies, herpes, all that gross shit), so I figured they might be able to help.  It’s weird going up to the counter of a chemist and saying ‘Hey, I’m covered in bites and I’m going mental.  Help.’  But that’s pretty much what I had to do.   I managed to get a trainee, who looked at me like I had leprosy.  Luckily, her supervisor talked her through helping me.  They were as stumped as me.  They gave me some Phenergan (Ngaio’s suggestion from Facebook) to help in the meantime, and told me I needed to see my doctor.

So I am yet to find a resolution to what this issue is.  I am grateful for all the suggestions from friends on Facebook as to what could be causing it, but so far I am unsure that any feel right.

Suggestion 1 – Allergy: I have allergic reactions to stuff all the time, they have never taken the form of random itchy bites all over my body.  An allergy normally results in hives around the area with most direct contact with the allergen.  I haven’t changed any of my cleaning or body cleaning products, and the only environmental change I’ve had is that I’m now working at the Video Ezy one day a week.  But the reaction is not consistent with the times I am there, so I don’t think this is the trigger.

Suggestion 2 – Stress:  Now I know stress makes you react in all sorts of crazy ass ways.  I have an anxiety disorder and IBS.  But again, stress rashes tend to look like hives.  My grossness is not like a rash or hives.  It is large welts, like from a mosquito bite gone bad. 

Suggestion 3 – Bedbugs I wrote this suggestion off initially as hogswash, but the more I  think about it, the more I think it is plausable.  Just before I got the bite curse, we stayed in a hotel for our Civil Union anniversary.  It is possible that we picked up bed bugs in our PJ's there and transported them home.  But I haven’t seen any bedbugs or signs of bedbugs.  Plus who gets bed bugs from a 4 star hotel in New Zealand?

Suggestion 4 – Scabies: It’s not scabies.  Sadly, I have had scabies before.  Scabies are highly contagious, form in the warm, moisty areas of your body and turn into gross sores.  None of this is consistent with my bite curse (thank God!)

Suggestion 5 - Measles or chickenpox:  I would have a fever.  I have no fever therefore no pox.

I am going to go to the doctors on Wednesday to see if they can shed any light to this bite curse.   In the meantime, I’m hot washing all my bed linen, and treating our room as though it is infested with bed bugs (just in case).  Also, I have Phenergan.  I take it.  I pass out.  I’m not itchy because I’m unconscious.  That’s good enough for me.  For now.