On Boardgaming and why I love it

I spend a big chunk of my spare time playing board games.  I don't know why I haven't posted about it before.  I guess I figured it's not the most relatable thing to post about, but given that most of my readers (I think) know me quite well by now, it's worth posting about.  Because it's a big part of my life and kind of an important aspect of who I am.

I've been set up to be a gamer since pretty much birth.  In my family it was mostly cards: Cribbage, 500 Euchre, Canasta, Poker - I played most of them before I hit high school.  What I liked about cards - both then and now is how you can use basic games to teach (or learn) so many useful skills.  Cribbage was a great game for math.  Poker, for how to read peoples body language (and how to lie successfully.  I was, and still am, crap at Poker).  500 for deductive reasoning, and in partnered games, communication.

But we played the old fashioned board games too: Monopoly, Cluedo, Scrabble, and Backgammon to name a few.  My favourites were probably Scattergories and Scrabble because I loved thinking on my feet.  And because spelling was easy for me, I enjoyed the true challenge of analysing how I could maximise my score best based on the letters and board in front of me.

NOTE: I've linked all the games to their pages on Board Game Geek if you want to learn more about any of them.

You can play board games practically anywhere - and we have.  We've played board games in Brunei, Melbourne and Rarotonga (we bought Congkak - a traditional game in Brunei which I love).  We've played board games on planes.  We've played board games in cafes (only requirement is a largish table or a smallish game).  We regularly play board games up at our bach - that's part of our winding-down-at-the-bach tradition really.  Basically, we rarely leave to go anywhere for any period of time without taking at least a few games with us. They are a huge part of mine and Murray's lives.

 Me and Murray on a coffee/gaming date with Pagoda

My appreciation for the Euro game started with three games: Risk, Settlers of Catan and Ticket To Ride.  Friends had a copy of Ticket To Ride which I was lucky enough to play with them a few times.  I loved it.  Not long after this Murray bought a cheap, knock of version of Risk from an emporium - playing it became one of our regular flat pastimes.  And when a flatmate moved in with a copy of Settlers - well - that was me sold.

Simultaneously, Murray started getting back in to Bloodbowl - a fantasy role playing grid iron style game using Games Workshop figurines that had its heyday back in the 90's.  While this game wasn't (and still isn't) for me - he found some folk for whom it was who incidentally - you guessed it - also played Euros.  So Murray regularly (and me not as regularly, but sometimes) would go out to boardgaming days at these friends and play with a rag tag crew of gamers after making initial contact over Bloodbowl.

This introduced us to more and more games and at this point we started buying our own.  We started small but since then have amassed a fair amount of board games - probably over 60 now.**

What I enjoy about Euro games over regular games like Monopoly is that they seem more aimed at adults, and seem to have better replay value.  I mean, you play Monopoly twice - you get the gist of Monopoly.  And after maybe 10 games of Monopoly you're thinking - fuck playing more Monopoly.  Me and Murray were chatting recently and working out how many games of Dominion (one of our favorites) we must have played together over the years.  We guestimated over 400.  He has an app which he uses to track game plays, who plays, and scores.  And in the last two years we've played 150ish games.  And that's with an Abby and an Etta.  We played way more before we had kids.  So I'd say that game tops Monopoly for replay.

The other area that Euro games (well, the good ones) excel in is pacing.  Unlike Monopoly most Euros are designed not to drag.  And all have a rough estimate of play length on the box so you can choose based on how long a game you'd like to play (game play can last anywhere from about 20 minutes up to 6+ hours - so this is good to know).  There's only two games I am happy to play that last longer than 90 minutes - and both of those games have a large element of subterfuge or fuck-overyness which makes for an enjoyable game no matter the length.

What I also love is the variety.  I truly believe there is a Euro for everyone.  There are short and long games.  There are themed games and strategy games.  There are silly games and serious games.  There are team games and solo games.  I truly think that if you pitch the right game at someone (at the right time) you can turn anyone into a gamer.

 Patchwork - the first game I bought Murray without consultation.

And we have...

Over time, I've realised there are some Euro's that I describe as 'gateway games'.  Like mary-jane is to cocaine, there are some games that once someone gets a taste they'll likely be back for more.  The first game I discovered had this quality was Stone Age.  Stone Age is a classic Euro with points scored both throughout the game and at the end.  It is Stone Age themed, but like most good Euro's is really about balance, strategic play, a little math and a little luck.  It is simple enough that most people get the gist of it after one play, but diverse enough that they'll come back for more.  This is almost always my first pick of Euro's when it comes to playing with gaming virgins in a small group.

If we have a large group my new gaming go to is Codenames.  This is a fantastic new team game which won the 2016 UK Games Expo Best Party Game (among other awards).  We've introduced it to a fair few people since we got it less than a year ago, and I know at least two people that have since bought it because they enjoyed playing so much.  This is slightly less nerdy and more party friendly than Stone Age (which requires at least a little nerdy buy in).

In fact, before we had kids we used to host Gaming New Years parties.  This actually began as a revolt against the unnecessary pressure that is New Years Eve.  I have always hated it.  Consequently, I have usually worked on it and/or the day following so that regular folks can go party.  The first gaming New Years we hosted had just 5 guests and a baby.  I came late as was working, and we ate nachos and played 500.  It was basically my ideal New Years.

One of the early Board Gaming New Years(es)

In years following, the numbers grew.  Over the next few years we had probably around 10ish people attend, and while there were games, it was more of a 'party' atmosphere.  The first New Years after we bought our house I was pregnant and grumpy and somehow we ended up hosting a gaming New Years party which about 30 people attended.  What I loved was that 30 people genuinely were happy to come over to play board games.  We set up four(ish) gaming areas to cater for all: uber nerds (big table), party classics (Cranium - lounge), Scrabble corner (spare room), and the drunks/drinkers - (outside).  And it worked, kinda.  I was pregnant and grumpy and as mentioned earlier - not that into New Years.  So it was a bit too big of a party for me but seriously showed how boardgaming can be fun for so many different people.

Post kids we've pulled things back for New Years, but it's still games focused.  When Etta was little we went to a friends place (who also had a baby), played a few games with a group of maybe six of us then went home just after midnight.  Murray went out to games another year.  Then last year we had an awesome boardgaming party of three with Murray's brother Alan.  Back to basics.

Gaming in Rarotonga with Alan (Stone Age incidentally)

What is cool is that our kids are big enough to start enjoying board games too.  I think the kids collection comprises of about seven games - three of which are played regularly at the moment.  Their favorites are Hungry Hungry Hippos (a game which is genuinely fun and playable for the whole family), Shopping List (a memory based kids game) and 3D Action Snakes and Ladders (like the traditional one, only more fun) . It's a great way to spend quality time with our kids whilst imbuing in them (hopefully) our love of gaming as well as some useful skills.

And the things I hope to teach the kids through gaming are all things that I learned through gaming:

1) Hand/eye co-ordination - moving pieces around a board/holding/moving cards in your hand
2) Playing nicely with others
3) Patience - not all players will play (or enjoy playing) at the same pace
4) Learning from observation
5) Remembering information for future use
6) Basic numeracy (and sometimes more complex mathematics)
7) Reading (rules and cards) during game play
8) How to apply logic and problem solve
9) How to learn from and teach others using different methodologies
10) How to generally socialise with other humans

So I've sold you on gaming and you want to give it a go?

Awesome!  If you don't want to invest a bunch of money ($40 - $80 for most good games) then just head to Cakes and Ladders to give it a go!  Cakes and Ladders is a board gaming cafe in Symonds Street where you can have a cuppa and a piece of cake and peruse board games.  The owners also work there and will be happy to help you learn and understand games - this is a great place to start.  If you don't live in Auckland see if there's anything similar close by, or see if there are any gaming clubs nearby (there are a number of them run through Auckland Libraries).

So get gaming!

* Except for Scrabble.  I still love Scrabble.  I think it has endless play value provided you have good people to play with.  And I HAVE played Monopoly in recent years (see!  Photographic evidence - also just FYI - I won).

** It has to be stated for the record that this collection is MOSTLY Murray's who spends a good amount of his hard earned dosh on adding to the collection.  To be fair, I have also bought quite a number of games for him over many Christmases and Birthday's - and before he got the memo (I'd prefer something else) I received a few myself from Murray... But do I appreciate and utilise this collection at will?  Yes!  I love it!

On Winter Solstice (and hibernating)

At the moment I'm just feeling blergh..

I haven't written for a while because I've been working extra hours which has sapped me of brain power.  This combined with Abby going through a phase of not sleeping so good has turned me into a zombie and on top of that there's something else:

Winter.

I have been feeling so blergh I went to the dr and had bloods run as felt like my thyroid or iron or B12s or something must be crazy.  I was sure it had to be one of those things - most likely iron.  But I got my results back and apparently I'm medically fine.

Which is wonderful.  So I should feel really happy.  But because I still feel like crap I kinda feel a bit stuck, and so to stop wondering I will postulate a theory:

It's just Winter.

 Super stoked to be watching more GOT this Winter...

I actually love Winter.  It's not too hot.  I get to wear warm, big clothes and gloves and hats and scarves and my eclectic collection of coats.  I can live in PJs and bedsocks.  I get to make and eat soups and stews.  I have an excuse to go to bed early with a book.  I catch up on more bad TV and knitting.  I was born in Winter - hell, it's my season!  It's a genuine excuse for being a hermit.  And I love being a hermit.
 
And when it starts to get cold I go into hibernation mode.  I want to eat high carb high fat foods.  I want to stay home.  I want to sleep as much as possible.

On one hand I think I should go with what my body is saying.
On the other hand, I think if I completely hide indoors this will contribute to the blergh.

So I'm going to self-prescribe the following to combat these Winter blues:

1) More Vitamin C and Iron
No brainer really.  Change of season means more bugs which means more need for Vitamin C to help maintain healthy immunity.  Also, vitamin C helps process iron and more iron will give me more energy to survive the Winter (and more energy might help my body crave less carbs...).  The fact is, everyone needs varying amounts of iron depending on what their body is used to.  My usual iron levels are very high, so I am used to functioning on high iron levels.  When they drop - even if it's not into the unhealthy level - I notice it and feel crappy.  So while someone elses level may be lower than mine and they feel peachy (because it's normal for them) I don't.  So boosting this will only help here.

Photographing birds helps force me outdoors in Winter

 

2) More Sunshine (daily where possible)
Vitamin D is super important for helping us absorb calcium (which is probably why my skin is crappier in Winter), but it also helps combat depression.  And this isn't a bad thing.  Because while I like being by myself, isolating can sometimes cause my depression to flare up*. 

The great thing about my birds project is that it forces me to go outside and engage with nature every day.  This alone gets me a little daily vitamin D.  And having a garden is also good.  Whilst I don't spend much time out there, it means a little time getting dirty in the sunshine.  And the kids love it.  So it's also nice, quality time spent with them.

3) Exercise...
This is hard for me... because I feel blergh I don't feel much like exercising, and because it's cold I'm out and about walking less (although still walking at least three times a week). 

I started going to Zumba with a friend and discovered I absolutely love Zumba.  The class we go to is local, fun and attended by folk of every age group so it's not competitive feeling.  But I struggle to go at the moment because it's at night time and it's Winter (and I'm in hibernation mode...)

So I need to exercise at home.  I think the best way for me to do this is probably more dancing with the kids time.  It's small - but will help release endorphines nonetheless, so still useful.  And it's fun!  The kids current favorite song to dance to is Shake It Off (and this Princess video version is awesome - we intersperse it with watching Tay-tay's original video).

4) Working On A Project
I think having a project is important because it helps me feel less down about being in 'hibernation mode'.  Society is so 'doing stuff' focused it's nigh on impossible for me to not feel guilty when I'm doing naught outside of the daily grind.  The project doesn't have to be big - I don't want to add more stress to my life, but I need to feel like I've 'achieved' something.  

At the moment my project is to finish projects pitched to me by my whanau - there are three currently on the table.  And to finish the craft projects I've started for friends (there are also two of these).  This alone should take me until the end of Winter.  And if I get it all done, I will also feel a little weight lifted as those things on my (seemingly unending) to-do list can finally be marked off.

5) Going To The Library

So I want to spend more time in bed with books - what's wrong with that?  It's the perfect excuse to learn about whatever random thing you want - and this is the best time of year to do it!  I mostly like reading non-fiction (because I'm a hyper-critical fiction reader), so every book I read is a window into learning about some new thing.

I've just finished reading the most amazing book I've ever read on anxiety called First we make the beast beautiful by Sarah Wilson.  It is so amazing I'm going to buy it.  To loan to all my close whanau and friends.  Because it's so amazing the library waiting list for it is epic!  And I'm going to recommend it to all my anxious friends and whanau.  And all their partners.  And all their parents.  Truly - it's worth reading and easy to read.  And now I'm reading a book about depression by Jimi Hunt - which is a little less amazing then the book mentioned above ^ but is still interesting.

The library is also a great place to find cookbooks.  And given my hibernation is about eating and sleeping - new recipes are important to keep things exciting!

6) Being Kind To Myself

Whilst over time I have gotten much better at this, it is still something I need to be vigilant about as I have a tendency to people please and take on too much.  Over Winter being kind to myself may entail taking on less extra shifts at work, making sure I eat more healthy foods, weekly baths and going to bed early. 

It will also mean not beating myself up if I'm not up to social engagement due to my natural inclination to hibernate.  I simultaneously love seeing people and feeling wanted when I'm invited to things, and am terrified of having to do the thing.  In Winter, external elements make this battle even trickier.  Instead of being mad at failing at this battle (time and time again) I will try and be more realistic about how social I am capable of being at this time of year. 

And I need to celebrate more the social engagement I do have.  I work in an extremely social job where I interact with people all day (and I love it).  I see my in laws and my Mum at least once a week.  I usually play games with other folk at least once a fortnight (if not weekly), and have playdates with one neighbour at least once a week, and catch ups with the other about the same.  And I have Murray and the kidlets and my big extended whanau - which actually adds up to a lot of social engagement.

This is still social engagement

So I'll try and check back in in a few weeks time and let you know how this prescription is working out (hopefully better than the weight loss thing... damn hibernation mode...)  It can't do any harm, and it's a good excuse to post some knitting photos anyhow.

Happy Winter Solstice everyone!  I'm off to plant my garlic now.

* I'm pretty sure I don't have S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) - but it's a total possibility.  However, I'm pretty sure doing everything above would help manage it fairly effectively anyhow.  And if not, I'll get a light box or something.

A Personal Take on NZd's suicide stats

 Mike King - being honest and real about the state of our mental health system.

I need to pre-empt this by saying I really wanted this to be a more timely post.
I wanted to have this out there after reading about Mike King quit our governments suicide panel.
I wanted to write this immediately after hearing about Chris Cornell.
But as well as an irregular blogger I am a Mum and a human and have a job and a household to run.

So I didn't have time.
But I have time today.

So I want to talk about some things I haven't really blogged specifically about before.  And it's pretty raw, so read on at your own risk.

When I was 14 years old I took a purposeful overdose of amitriptyline.  It was a medication prescribed to me to help with insomnia.  I cannot even remember why I did it.  I had probably had an argument with my Mum about some inane thing.  I had gone through a lot of personal upheaval prior to that time and was your regular crazy teenager with a developing prefrontal cortext AKA poor at making good decisions.

I took an amount that I thought might kill me.  I didn't really care if I was there or not - and regardless, it would sure as shit help me sleep.

15 year old me at the ball.  So upbeat!

On this instance I did wake up.  So I was like - obviously wasn't meant to die today.  Oh well.  Lets watch some X Files.

As a consequence of this, I thought it would be 'fun' if some friends and I took some at school.  Like a high.  We each took a different amount - they took less than my and I took the same amount as I had when I had tried to purposefully OD as I knew it wouldn't kill me, and maybe it would be fun.

It wasn't.  As a side effect of that type of medication I cannot remember exactly what happened after taking the amitriptyline.  I know that one peer suffered no ill effects.  The other fell asleep in German class.  I felt sick in Drama class and remember little after that.  Apparently I went to the nurses office (it was the new nurses first day) did crazy shit and they called my Mum and an ambulance.

I don't remember the ambulance (or fighting the ambo's to stop them from removing my bra).  I do remember being made to drink charcoal in hospital.  I couldn't do it (it's fucking gross) so they put a naso-gastro tube in but I was fighting them so it didn't go in far enough and a lot of the charcoal came back out through my mouth in a weird spit/vomit situation.  I was then put on a heart monitor (amitriptyline can mess with your heart) and into a ward with elderly ladies*.

Besides being covered in charcoal vomit for longer than necessary (they did not clean me up nor help me shower) I was physically completely fine.

As it looked kinda like a suicide attempt (aside from the whole being at school and around people bit), I wasn't allowed to go home until I was cleared by the psych team.  Of course, I lied.  My Mum was there.  I didn't want to have to divulge the information about the initial overdose.  I didn't want her to feel badly, like she was doing a bad job.  And I didn't want to get my friends in trouble.  And I also didn't want to look like a dumbarse for taking a barbituate to 'get high'.  So I lied.  I told them I just accidentally double dosed - I was allowed up to 6 tablets for sleep at night (maximum adult dosage).  I told them I just took two doses too close together as I was stressed about exams (4th form midterms...).  They believed me and let me go home.

Following this, I had to see therapists at Marinoto for a while until I could convince them I was not a nutbar.  I called them Bill and Ben the flowerpot men.  I remember very little about them other than that they did not come across very genuine.  I lied to them.  I was the top drama student in my year every year I did drama at Massey High School.  I was a very convincing liar.  I was left alone.

I tell this story to illustrate that there are consequences if you actually try and top yourself.
I want to contrast this with this story from when I was a little older.

I was 20 years old and I was working in a middle management job in a callcentre.  I was good at this job, and enjoyed it, but my life felt a little surreal with being young and having power etc.  I lived alone in a flat over a shop.  I felt like I was living the epitome of independence.  During this time I had a(n unplanned) pregnancy which turned out to be ectopic.  I had surgery and went back to work too soon and tore my stitches.  I consequently suffered from chronic abdominal pain.  Then my Grandfather was diagnosed with late stage lung cancer and passed away.  And my Great Grandmother unexpectedly passed away.  All in the space of about 5 months.

I did not cope.  I just suddenly shut down.  I left my job.  I struggled to leave my house - not because of depression or lack of energy, but because I couldn't cope with dealing with other people.  I shared a bathroom with the shop downstairs and literally peed into a bucket during the day to avoid having to interact with them if we accidentally met.


Consequently, I couldn't financially survive alone.  I moved back home.  I was afraid of going onto anti-depressants because of my previous experience with amitriptyline.  I started self harming.  I was concerned that I would have a bad day and kill myself, and in spite of everything I really didn't want to die.  I had support from my Mum and other family, but it wasn't enough.  I was just not coping.  I felt that I needed 24/7 support for a while and Mum couldn't provide that (I wouldn't allow her to).

I called one of the Auckland based suicide hotlines because I didn't know what else to do.  I told them my fears.  I told them I needed help.  They told me that I obviously wasn't that unwell because I had called them.  They told me that they basically couldn't do anything unless I actually tried to kill myself.  They told me there were no residential care places available for me for at least a month, and it was unlikely that they would take me anyway because I was clearly not unwell enough.  Because I had called a helpline.

I was floored.  And I was angry.  I think the anger was a really good thing as it helped me (and Mum) to find some help and support.  I tried numerous antidepressants (to no avail).  I changed Doctors (my Dr didn't believe in long term mental health problems and couldn't understand that Aropax didn't work for me [this was the third antidepressant we'd trialled]).  I found a therapist I could afford to go to and was eligible for a government subsidy to help.  I slowly started to feel better.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

So when I found myself back in a very dark place after a relationship break up I was like, what am I going to do?  I was just about to finish my degree and felt I had lost so much in such a short space of time.  I was very, very frightened of self harming.  I didn't want to do it, but I knew that I would struggle not to without help.  I didn't feel like I could confide in people to get enough support to get through.  And at this time I was on medication (fluoxitine) - it just wasn't enough.  I was at a (nother) crisis point.

And I didn't want to have to try and kill myself before I could get the support.  I can remember the fear of slitting my wrists and surviving and maybe having cut the ligaments and no longer being able to knit.  That in itself is a living mentality - the fear of not being able to do one of my favorite things.
I really, really did not want to die.  But I also didn't know how I could live with the despair I was feeling.

So I came up with a solution.

I knew I could get into drug rehab.  As someone in a creative degree it wasn't like there wasn't free alcohol on tap.  And I had definitely indulged.  And I had definitely also done stupid things when drunk.  Retrospectively, my behavior was probably not that much more extreme than my peers**, and I still wouldn't consider it alcoholism.  And I knew that it was a live in program.  And that it would address my issues.  And that it would keep my safe from myself.

So I finished my degree and applied for rehab.

Me in Black Magazine, the year before rehab

And I got in.  Basically, if you have ever black out drunk, by their standards - you are an alcoholic.  There was a waiting period (maybe 2 - 3 weeks) but because I knew I had something safe to go to, so I was ok.  I had a goal.                                                   

I went into Higher Ground on the 1st of January 2007.  It was a 16 week live in program.  It was highly controlled.  There were womens and mens areas in the house and two people per room.  You were not allowed to be on your own.  You had to participate in group therapy, one on one therapy, morning walks, cleaning and other jobs, sports and (of course) copious AA or NA or OA meetings.

 Higher Ground - beautiful vista on the Te Atatu Peninsula

It was a fucking dream come true.

This place not only kept me safe, but taught me numerous skills I have to say I don't think I would have learned in any other place (and I don't mean how to cook meth type skills).  We had to write 'commitments' about different areas that were issues for us, and this really resonated with me.  We had to participate in team sports and I realised that I am actually pretty good at some sports!  I joined the kapahaka group.  A group of us started playing 500 and other card games. It was genuinely a good time, and helped me rebuild my sense of self.

It was not easy.  And like most people going into rehab I did not graduate.  I only lasted 6 weeks.  I had had to come off my fluoxitine to be allowed into the program (with Drs approval) and I got progressively more anxious.  I struggled without time alone.  I had issues with my memory.  There was a mix up with times I was allowed out to see my Uncle who was in a local hospital after a major heart attack.  I was accused of manipulating staff to get my own way.  And my Uncle was sick.

So I left.

I hadn't planned on leaving early.  It was a brilliant program in spite of some flaws*** and I had met some amazing people there.  But I was angry, and I felt misunderstood.  I left rehab and my Uncle passed away that day.  I was grateful I had left so I could help organise the funeral and be there for my Uncle and my family.

And to be honest, rehab had served it's purpose.  I feel like an arsehole but I wasn't there to do all the 12 Steps and stop drinking (although I did also do that for some time too).  It had got me through that tough time, and it genuinely helped make me a stronger person for which I am truly grateful.
  
Me in London - same year as rehab, post rehab.

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *         

So, what's the problem here?

The problem is that folk shouldn't have to come up with a creative fucking solution to stay alive.

The problem is that we have a bottom of the cliff mentality when it comes to our nations mental health.

The problem is that everyone's all like 'Why are our suicide stats so high?' when we have little systemically in place to prevent it.

And the problem is that all this shit happened to me more than 10 years ago and little has changed since then.  In fact, our suicide stats haven't shifted much in the last 15 years.  And while the next government budget is chucking some money at it those at the coalface of mental health are saying it's not enough.

And it's not.  It's not keeping up with inflation.  It's not making up for all the services that have been taken away from us over the last nine years - rape crisis hotlines, 6 free couples counseling sessions through the family courts (we used this before we got hitched - it doesn't EXIST any more) along with many other services.  And an increase in prescription costs ($3 - $5) makes it difficult for those who are struggling financially to access medical help.

So Mike King's decision makes sense to me.  He's just tired of banging his head against a brick wall.  It doesn't matter how many John Kirwin ads we have, or how many depression websites**** we have - this will not fix the crux of the issue.  We need more targeted services.  We need staff that are not swamped.  We need more crisis facilities.  We need some/any accessible support for solo Dads.  We need more outside-of-office-hours counseling available.  We have a great maternity mental health system (for the first year of a childs life...) but have absolutely nothing available for PPD in Dads (and I'm focusing on the mens here because these are where the bulk of our suicide stats lie).

Yes, it's important to say it's ok to not be ok.  But we also need a system to support those that are not ok.  Currently, we don't have one.

I think John Kirwin is great - but we need more than him and Mike to make any real change

So anyway, I'm doing this epic share of personal stuff today because I want people to understand just how fucked the system is, and just how frustrating it can be for those who have experienced it. Because I genuinely think that most suicide is preventable.  I have never ever wanted to die, but have sometimes struggled to exist.  I have never wanted to traumatise my family.  I have never wanted to be a statistic. 

I am sure this is the same for many who have not been as fortunate as I have, who have not had the support or the faith that I have.  And I am angered that we have lost so many of these people due to a problem which - to me - is so transparent within our society.

This is not ok.



* One of them was an alcoholic who had a massive skin infection.  I am sure they purposefully put me in there with her to try and freak me out.  Have to say, I have never forgotten her, so it kinda worked (although I did go to rehab...).

** In saying that, NZ has a major issue with women binge drinking, so that's not necessarily a positive thing - just a comparison.

*** I'll maybe expand on that later...

**** When I wrote to complain to the government some years ago about their mental health services they wrote back and said basically 'but we have a website...'

On Surviving Expensive Lettuces

So, recently people have been paying $7 for a head of lettuce in Auckland - and on 7 Days one of the guys said he'd actually seen them at $9 somewhere. 

And folk are outraged!

But this is merely a consequence of mother nature doing what she will - the various cyclones earlier this year meaning many of the North Island's green crops have been damaged or wiped out completely, and veges consequently hard to come by.  So while I understand the frustration about the price rise - it's not like it's anyone's fault really.  It's just life.

And I have a genius solution:

Don't eat lettuce.

I mean, truly - isn't it mostly water anyways?

Sure - it has some nutritional value.  It's high in fibre, Vitamin C, Vitamin A and Vitamin K - but so are other, hardier plants.

So, I thought I'd make a list of other salad greens that are tasty and different and easy to source that cost you pretty much nothing.

1) Dandelion Greens

Super low in cost because it's probably already growing somewhere on your section.  And if you are like me and not the best keeper of pristine lawns - all through your lawn.*  It's also even better for you nutritionally than lettuce - high in fibre, Vitamins A, C and K - but also Vitamin E, Thiamin, Riboflavin, Vitamin B6, Calcium, Iron and Potassium. 

If you find it a bit bitter forgo it as a straight salad leaf.  Just blanch it in boiling water for about 30 seconds and use it in a sandwich.  Still good!

2) Puha 

So this has four times the fibre per serve that lettuce does. Four times!  And it's also a good source of Vitamin A, Vitamin C and folate - so eat plenty if you're trying to get knocked up.  And I can tell you from experience it's delicious and versatile.  Some people find this a little bitter - I don't.  I use it straight from the ground in a salad and it's delicious.  I also use it in soups and stews.  And like dandelions I find it growing (you guessed it) around our section.  So again - free food.  If you are worried about food identification don't be!  The leaves are quite easily identifiable combined with the flower.  Go for the green, smaller leaves (especially for salad)

3) Nasturtiums

I feel very lucky to have grown up with parents who taught me how to eat this stuff.  While we didn't eat many dandelion leaves or puha as kids, we definitely ate these - which grew in abundance around many of the houses I lived in.  Nasturtium is definitely not for everyone - the leaves are a little peppery - but that's probably why I love them so much!  

Think of it as a substitution for rocket and you'll be able to use it how it's best suited.  I use it in a green salad alongside things like cucumber, spinach and mint (to balance the pepper).

Nasturtium flowers are also edible (and less peppery) and contain 10 x the Vitamin C of lettuce! 

4) Watercress

You will most likely have seen this growing rampant in many a roadside drain - especially in rural New Zealand.  While you do need to be wary of the water quality of those drains in terms of eating from them - most are quite safe.  And healthy watercress will grow well in clean, running water so usually the cress is a sign of good things.  One cup of watercress will give you your RDI in Vitamin K (among other vitamins and minerals) which helps with bone and heart health and is 5 times the amount you will get from eating (you guessed it) lettuce.  Like nasturtiums, watercress is slightly peppery in taste, so best in small quantities in salads or sandwiches.  If you have a heap it's also delicious in soups and stews.  And, unlike the plants mentioned above, it can be procured from (some) vegetable stores (if you must).

5) Silverbeet (or swiss chard)

I think of this as 'poor mans spinach'.  Almost as tasty, a little woodier, but easy to source and still pretty good!  I don't know what it is about this stuff but it seems to be the cockroach of plants in NZ - it survives anything!  Unlike everything mentioned above, this doesn't usually grow 'wild' as such, but is very easily cultivated, and happy growing in gardens of average soil quality - or even in a pot on the deck.  Like watercress, it is high in Vitamin K as well as Vitamin A, Vitamin C and other stuff.

What I love about silverbeet is that if you're not growing it yourself, you will probably know someone who is.  And as it is a low maintenance, generally happy wee plant - they will have it in abundance and be happy to share.  I often end up with a couple of bags full from my wonderful Grandma who has too much to know what to do with.

But I know what to do with it.  Once it's all well washed (earwigs and slugs removed) I separate the biggest part of the stalk (cos woody) from the leaves and put a small amount of water into a large pot.  I then steam the leaves, drain most (not all) of the water and blitz it with my hand held destructo stick thing (slender blender).  In this format it is perfect for lasagnes, pies, pasta sauces or (my favorite) saag (spinach based curries).  If I don't need to use it immediately, I then date and freeze it for future use.

6) Add Herbs

My simple solution to good salads is my kitchen shelf.  On this I grow some tasty additions to any salad which I can keep year round.  Basil** is my most favorite herb (in terms of flavour) on this earth.  I love to chuck it in a hearty salad alongside feta, nuts and roast vegetables.  A real flavour boost.  My other favorite is thyme - which gives a slightly citrus zestiness to a salad.  Both live in my kitchen, so it's not hard to add.

Out in the garden I also have chives, fennel, mint and oregano - just to name a few things.  All wonderful additions to any salad.

My beloved herb shelf - now has sage, basil, rocket, coriander, spinach (and dried bay leaves)

So basically, fuck $7 lettuce.  Live a little!  Better eating everyone x

* And if you live in an apartment just check out your local park - you'll probably find some there.  As with all things you find in the park - make sure you wash it before you eat it.

** Pro tip to keeping supermarket basil alive forever: re-pot it into 3 - 4 pots (they bulk plant it to make it look bushy/full).  This way the plants won't become root-bound and have some room to live.  My basil (pictured above) was bought four months ago.  Also, put it somewhere sunny - like, say, a windowsill.

After week 2 and some on healthy eating thing

I am being much better with my eating - but am definitely far from perfect*.

And the weight is moving - slowly.  But slow as it is, it's still movement in a downward trajectory.  If I maintain my current momentum, I will reach my goal weight in about three months.  And considering I haven't been that weight in almost 3 years, that time frame is totally fine with me.

I lost two butters now.  Yay!            

And there are a lot of things to like about this healthy eating thing.

Because I'm changing my habits, I'm finding the time to do things I previously thought I was too time-poor to do.  Like, eat a proper breakfast (not just toast).  And more whole, unprocessed foods.  And actually, truly, properly eating my 5+ a day (as opposed to pretending I have by saying hot chips, salsa or tomato sauce count as a serving).  And they're not just healthy changes - but delicious ones - which makes it feel a little less like being on a 'diet'.

And because I'm eating more healthy, energy full foods I am finding it a little easier not to eat some of those bad things that had made it into my regular diet.  Once a week as a work lunch treat I'd have the $5 meal deal from Burger King (because cheap, easy access and filling) which consisted of a burger, chips, a fizzy drink and a sundae.  I've since substituted this for a quick walk across the road (exercise) to get the sushi-of-the-day for $5.70.  Not a perfect meal - but definitely much healthier.

And I thought I'd miss that whole chips and icecream sundae thing.  But I really don't.  Because I love sushi and it's really filling, so I'm finding myself craving less high carb/high sugar foods purely because my dietary needs are actually being more fully met.

And I'm not depriving myself.  I am just trying to eat better.  I have restricted certain types of foods purely because it was well past time.  For some reason, whilst I was pregnant and when the babes were small those baby hormones gave me some sort of buffer which meant foods I previously couldn't eat without suffering for it didn't really affect me.  I don't know why - but I know other women who've had similar things happen, so it must be some kind of a 'thing'.  But that buffer wore off some time ago and I've kinda been ignoring it...

My body just doesn't cope well with trying to process most red meats (something to do with the fats) or large amounts of gluten or lactose.  Me eating these things results in bloating, gas, water retention and feeling a bit lethargic and generally icky.  And I've been choosing to feel this way because of laziness in food prep because of exhaustion from parenting.  Because these kinds of foods seem more easily accessible, tasty and filling than others.  And they are, but it's a cyclical issue because I'm eating food I know makes me feel bad because I'm too tired to prepare foods that actually help me feel better.  Weird, cyclical (but totally understandable) thing.

And, surprisingly, I've actually had very few issues with making this change.  I was only eating red meat in pie and burger form - you know - easy to put in your face forms, and have instituted some easy substitutions for the high gluten products I was eating (ie: bread).  Because before I had kids this was my actual diet.  And I didn't find it that hard to maintain.  This time around all I've had to do is find ways of managing my time, and the types of foods I eat, to fit in with my current lifestyle.  This will take some practice, but it should only get easier.

The biggest thing this health kick has kick-started is my realisation that I use food and drink as a coping mechanism for being a parent.  Exhausted?  Have a coffee.  Achieved something?  Reward with chocolate.  Frazzled after a long day? Wine o'clock right here.  I think it's because it's not easy to apply the kinds of self care I used to use to remedy these issues - like sleeping, reading or just generally having time to myself. 

So I'm having to rethink how and when I apply these sorts of band-aids and whether they're actually helping or hindering my wellness.  Dropping coffee has been easy**.  I was also regularly (shamed expression) drinking energy drinks (which I've never really done before I had kids) at work to cope with just, well, working.  While I haven't managed to cut this out (yet) I have switched to sugar free and have halved my weekly consumption...  I am still working on treats and booze BUT have ensured I never have more than one glass of wine by making myself have two cups of green tea a night.  Because of my early bedtime (because of broken sleep) I don't have time for more than one small*** wine before I have to skull the tea.

Last time I promised a recipe.  This isn't really a recipe.  It's just a list of the things I put in my favourite salad.

So my favorite salad is not pictured below - this one is ok, but not quite my favorite - but I don't have a photo of it sorry, so this will just have to do.  It has some of the same ingredients, but no spinach and some other stuff.

Hannah's Favorite Salad Of All Time

Some baby spinach leaves
Some fresh basil leaves
Some toasted walnut halves (doesn't matter what size as long as similar for even toasting)
Roasted beetroot cut into smallish chunks
Some feta cheese cut into smallish chunks
Avocado cut into smallish chunks

I dress this very simply in some olive oil, lemon juice, balsamic vinegar with a little salt and pepper to taste.  Seriously YUM!

It's definitely not the lowest fat salad (hello feta and avocado), or the simplest to make (toasting nuts and roasting beetroot - not hard, but extra work) but it is delicious and filling - and those are also some very important factors in whether a salad gets eaten or not.

So I'm getting there... slowly.  Tune in in the next week or so for another exciting episode of my weight loss journey.  Next weeks spotlight is on exercise (and how I avoid it).


* Like the other night when I binged on potato chips after dinner (75% less fat potato chips means it's ok to eat a whole bag, right?) and then tried to 'rescue' the night by having less wine than I'd planned and drinking more green tea...

** I don't think coffee is evil.  My coffee habit is not even that bad (one in the morning and sometimes a second on a very bad day).  But I didn't drink it apart from on the weekends before I had kids.  So I know I don't really need it. 

*** Never every night.  Too conscious of how unhealthy that is (in terms of addiction) although I'd actually LOVE to have a wine at the end of every day.

After week 1 on a diet thing - well, kinda

Maybe it's not the best idea to start a diet the week of Easter?

So I only lost 1 butter this week.  Oh well, only 9 to go!

So I decided I'd try this crazy strict diet for the first three days of eating healthier - kinda like a cleanse - and then just be more sensible with food from there.  I adjusted it a little though.  Cos it's crazy strict.  I don't know how anyone could actually follow this without collapsing from low blood sugars.   Cos I almost did on the first day before I adjusted it.*

So I had fruit, yoghurt and nuts for breakfast, a bland chicken stew (chicken with veges) for lunch (made from chicken breast for low fat hence the bland) and the eggs and salad as suggested for dinner.  I ended up having hummus and grainy crackers as a snack - and fruit or carrots if still hungry.  The morning lemon cleanser was easy as I already do that - but I decided to halve the green tea night time quotient as my bladder was unlikely to let me get any sleep if I had a litre of tea between 6pm and bedtime.

That was totally doable (and non-collapsable).

Then after that first three days I just had normal meals - but cut gluten and red meat and continued with healthy snacks and that awesome breakfast (with the addition of a little muesli) and not snacking after dinner.  And it wasn't that hard.  I loved the breakfast.  The lunch was bland, but filling and healthy and whilst dinner sounds simple I honestly really enjoyed it.  And whilst it would get boring if I had to have it every day, I could totally rock it twice a week no problems.

And then BANG.  It was Easter Weekend.  And working bee at the bach.  And our anniversary.  And two children's Easter egg hunts.  And Abby's birthday - all in the space of one long weekend.

So I kinda fell off the wagon.

One thing I can say is that I didn't go too crazy.  I did eat chocolate and snack foods and eating after dinner.  But I also did lots of walking and lugging and laying mulch at the working bee.  So I figured it (almost) balanced out.  And at Abby's birthday party whilst I did snack and eat things with gluten again, I wasn't crazy.  Like, I didn't eat an entire bag of crackers or chips (or even half a bag) which I probably would have previously.

So I can't really complain about only losing 500 grams.  I'm pretty sure I usually gain weight over Easter, so honestly, I'm pretty happy.

The best part of this diet so far is the massive increase in fruits and vegetables.  That can't be a bad thing.  I've also cut my coffee consumption down from daily to weekends and just occasionally during the week.  And my energy levels are fine - I needed coffee less than I thought I did**!  And starting the day ticking off two out of five servings of fruit or veges just feels really good - both physically and psychologically.

The worst part of this diet is the cost.  Truly - it ain't cheap.  Just looking at breakfast my daily cost has gone from about $1.00 (coffee and toast) to about $2.30.  And whilst dinner is probably cheaper, lunch is also dearer.  It's mostly the nuts, the proteins and the yoghurt - natural nuts are damned expensive!  Fruit, not so much - but the cost in time of ensuring there is fresh fruit and salad veges available for me each day is definitely an adjustment.

But hopefully, it'll just become a habit.

Because I like my new breakfast.  And I'm really enjoying rediscovering salad.  I've always liked salad, but I've always been lazy at making salad.  Because opening a bag of mescalin or baby spinach is just not enough - I want something tasty.  In doing this diet thing, I've realised I can actually whip up a really tasty green salad in under 5 minutes - and it's totally worth it.  Because filling up on salad means I eat less high calorie low nutrition food.  And that's what I need to do at the moment.

And fingers crossed I do it a bit better this week.  With no Easter maybe I can drop another two butters...



* Not a problem for me cos I don't need to lose 10 pounds in one week anyway.  Actually, no-one does.  Well, maybe people on The Biggest Loser, but not regular people.  Cos that's quite extreme weight loss.  So not really very sustainable.  And probably not very healthy.

** Probably what I actually needed was just better nutrition...

On Weight Gain

So what I didn't say in the last post about the horrid driving test was that this was with being back on medication.  (Imagine if I hadn't!  How crazy would that test have been?)

After a lot of thinking and assessing and checking in with other people, I decided that whilst I was coping reasonably ok, I wasn't coping as well with every day things as I could and it was impacting on the people I loved.  So I went back onto a low dose of sertraline.

At the same time I went back on the contraceptive pill.

Not primarily for contraceptive purposes though.  Despite having my period return when Abby was just 9 months old, it wasn't until recently that it started getting crazy again.  It went from tolerable to so heavy I had fainting spells.  After three months (I had to make sure it wasn't just a bad month) of horrible, irregular periods I decided to go back on the pill - I've used it previously to help regulate them and it works a treat for me.

The only sucky side effect of both of these things is that I very promptly blew up like a balloon.

While I'm quite comfortable in my own skin and genuinely don't feel that I look awful, I am not comfortable with the prospect of having to buy new clothes.  I quite like the clothes I already have and I just want to be able to fit into them a bit better.  And I'm a cheap bastard, so it seems ridiculous to have to spend money on clothes just because I've put on a little weight.

This probably wasn't helped by our holiday to Rarotonga.  Despite swimming every day, and sweating buckets in the crazy heat I'm pretty sure I gained at least half of this weight over there.  Holiday mode + being the home of my favorite dessert (poke) - which no-one else in my family likes - meant much poke was consumed (among other things...).

I have actually only gained about 3kg over the last two months, but it's just enough to tip the balance between me feeling ok about my size and not.  Before the weight gain I was already not feeling that great about myself, but because of breastfeeding and not sleeping I felt like my weight was not really a priority, and something to look at when other areas of my life were more stable. 

But now I am almost the heaviest I've ever been (besides during and immediately post pregnancy) and it feels uncomfortable.  I am not used to the way my thighs move against each other, and how I can't wear the tops I used to without thinking about my back fat.  3kg is not much, but when you are a shortie like me, it's proportionately more than for a regular person.

So now I'm sitting about 5kg above what is considered the top of 'healthy BMI' range for my height.  Now whilst I think BMI is a pretty shitty measure of 'health' there is a weight bracket I feel comfortable in - and that is around the 57 - 60kg mark.  I have dropped my weight right down under 50kg before.  And whilst many short celebrities happily rock those teeny numbers (Vanessa Hudgens who is my height is 50kg, Salma Hayek is 54kg), from experience I know that being little just ain't my bag.  My immunity goes AWOL which to me indicates it's not a healthy weight for me*.

But neither is 65kg.  So it's time to do something about it.

So this week I'm going on a cleanse for three days.  Then returning to much cleaner eating.

Pregnancy hormones had one positive for me: they made it easier for my body to digest stuff.  And whilst Abby is still having night feeds, most of those magic hormone things have gone, and it's time to acknowledge that my body doesn't want to process a lot of those things any more.  So it's goodbye to red meat** and back to a low gluten and low lactose diet for me.

I am not going to calorie count (like I have previously) and I'm not going to stop enjoying our weekly takeaway night (not cooking!), or my once a week food court work lunch.  And I'm not going to stop my Thursday late night tradition of lollies at work (to share - because late nights are hard).  But I am going to be more selective about what and how much I eat.

So this morning I started with this:

acidophilus yoghurt, kiwifruit and almonds.  It was delicious!

But now I'm hungry... And it's only been 3 hours... And I also had a banana... And it's still 2 hours until lunch time!  So wish me luck.  It's an especially hard day because Abby was up from 10.30pm until just after 1am then had to sleep in bed with me so I'm totally knackered.  Mumming + diet = extra hard cos no coffee... So wish me even more luck!

*And when my boobs bottom out below a C cup I feel like something is seriously wrong with me (cos I have almost always been at least a D cup.  So I'm used to my cups runningeth over)

** Not like I was eating much, but the stuff I was eating was definitely not good for me and not worth eating big, labour intensive to farm animals over.