On whether or not to

Happy family of three

I think deciding whether to have a second child (or subsequent children) is a way more difficult decision than deciding to have the first one.*  Well, for me it is anyway.  For the first one we just had to decide whether we wanted to be parents or not.  Now that I am a parent, the decision on whether or not to add more people to our family is harder.

There are many reasons why this is.  Firstly, there's the experience of having just done the whole pregnancy/baby thing.  I know how hard this is.  I know how tough this can be on relationships.  And with an extra person in the mix this time, I imagine it'll be in many ways, even harder.  Because there are more people to take into account with making this decision, and the addition of another person means more people to take into account in life in general.  Yes, I'm sure some things will be easier.  There would be less fear-factor and more experience, but also a new challenge in learning to kiddy-juggle.

This may sound odd, but I love our new family so much and feel like this is so all encompassing, I don't know how there could be room for someone else to fit.  We are happy now, and after the massive changes in our family, this is an awesome and important thing.  I love Etta so much, would it break my heart to have to spend less time with her to look after someone else.  And sure, if there was another person I'm sure I'd love them too, but given how much I care and worry about Etta, how could I not feel guilty about spending less time with her?

BUT, if it is just her, and I devote so much time and energy to her, will she miss out on learning the important things she would if she did have a sibling?  Like sharing and compromise and playing nicely, and not being the biggest most amazing thing in the universe.  Those social skills that are (usually) intuitively absorbed through the simple fact of living with other children.  Sure, your kids can interact with others at Playcentre, Wriggle and Rhyme, school etc, but it's not the same as that constant interaction at home.  Learning how to cope with the frustration of possibly never getting what you want, or always having to put up with another human rather than just 'putting up' with X thing at Y place at Z times.

And if I spend too much time with her I'm pretty sure it'll screw us both up.  And we'll have to spend heaps on therapy and I may still try to watch her in her sleep when she's 20 and she may kill me in my sleep when I'm 50...

And then there's all those other good things like having someone to play with (or terrorise), someone to learn with, someone to fight with and someone to gang up on your parents with.  These things are undoubtedly harder when there is just one of you.  Unless you build a scary robot who does your bidding that even your parents are scared of (distinct possiblity...)

Murray has always said he is quite happy with one child.  I have always said I'd prefer two.  I come from a large, close extended family. Even though I only have one sibling myself, the idea of being completely sibling-less is quite scary.  Sure, my brother and I are like chalk and cheese, and I was awful to him when we were kids.  But now we are grown ups we get along fine and I love him.  And I am super glad that I was not alone in the craziness of our parents relationships.  Not just because it was crazy, but because all families are crazy, and it's nice to have someone around with a true insight to your families particular brand of crazy.

I hadn't thought having an only child was really terrible though until my cousin (who has an only child) said that it was only when she saw her Mum in the fold with her siblings at their mothers funeral that she felt worried about it.  Who would support him when she died?

That freaked me out.  Although I'm sure Etta would have friends when we die (and we will, everyone does), it's not the same as family support.  And even though she will have family support (we come from epic large, close family), is the support of a cousin (or in our case more likely second cousin) the same as the support of someone else who has just had their parent die?  Like your sibling?

Morbid (but important and valid) thoughts....

Here's another dark thought - is having a child just so your existing child has a sibling messed up?  I mean, it's kinda in the ballpark (kinda) of having a child so your existing child can have an organ donor (like in My Sisters Keeper).  With the first one I was super excited about meeting this person.  With the second one, if it's just about the First One meeting the Second One, that seems a bit wrong.  I mean, where is the love?

The pro for us of deciding in all finality that we're just having Etta is being able to get on with life planning.  We have places to visit and a business we'd like to start.  Not right now of course, but we'll work the timing around our current family, which would make both of these things more feasible sooner.  If we add another midget to the mix, these plans may be delayed a lot longer.  Not just because extra time would be required for saving/starting daycare etc, but because the reality is we'd probably have to buy a bigger house.

Yes, we have a three bedroom house in an awesome location with a little backyard which is ample room for two children.  BUT, we also have a me and a Murray.  We are both very independent people, and for sanity's sake, need our space.  Ever since we first moved in together we have had an extra room.  Because we need it.  Because if we don't have that extra space there is a high possibility we'd kill each other.  If we do decide to add another person to the mix, which is a super stressful thing as is, we'd definitely need a place with an extra bedroom to ensure we remain a happy family ie: the kind that all live in the one house. 

You may be thinking: do the things! Delay the second kid until the market/your finances/business plan is/are more stable.  Trust me, I would if I could.  But like most women starting families in their 30's, we're on the clock.  I'm especially on the clock given my gynae history - my chances of having another ectopic (which are already high) get even higher when I hit 35 so for us planning a pregnancy after this magic number, although feasible, comes with increased risk to my health.

And not only that but I feel like an old parent already.  Having a knee fill up with liquid just from crawling around with Etta is not great.  And I'm sure it wouldn't happen if I'd magically been ready to have kids in my 20's.  My last pregnancy made me a cripple.  I'm currently anaemic.  What I'm saying is that it's already hard, and I'm sure it will only get harder the older I get.  If we do decide to have a second I truly think I'm gonna have to hit the gym and eat a lot better before we can even start trying to get pregnant just to get through the pregnancy in one piece.  And for me that's serious hard work - I am not a lady who 'gyms'.  And if I just have Etta, I may never have to be.

Ahhhhhhh!

That's pretty much my brain vomit done for the day.  Thanks for reading. Ideas/suggestions/experiences welcome

* Not that we took that decision lightly.  It took me about 30 years to decide it was a good idea in the first place, but still.  This decision is hard.

On the first three weeks of 100 Days

Holy ship balls Batman!  It's already been three weeks!  Time flies when you're having fun (or home with a baby it seems).

And my 'holiday' week is almost at a close, I am yet to blog, and the baby could wake up at any moment.  Pressure is mounting.  Shhhhh, sleep bonus time baby!  Mama needs to write this blog.

Anyway, today I thought I'd just quickly post some highlights from the work I've done so far and talk a little about the process that has come about organically just because I'm making myself think about (and do) arts.

Firstly, the BEST part about day one (apart from how excited I was about it) was the recipe I made.  The limitations of the project (in terms of the website) is that you can only post one visual image (or video) when often times the process, or other results are equally as important as the end result.  This first day I ended up with so many things it was difficult to decide which part to post.  So here is my invented on the spot, totally awesome recipe for honey toffee:

1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup water
2 Tbsp honey (pretty sure any honey will work)
1 Tbsp vinegar

Put all ingredients into a small saucepan.  Heat over a medium heat until sugar has dissolved.  Bring to the boil and boil until the hard ball stage (when a little of the mix is dropped into ice water it hardens into a ball).  Pour into moulds or onto a tray for cracking later on.  Seriously tasty.  A little tackier than regular toffee cos of the honey component, but YUM AS!

After about day two, the excitement (and eccentricity) began to wear off as I realised I was going to have to do this EVERY DAY for 100 days, and most days I would also have Etta with me most of the time.  So the time dedicated to this came down, but the involvement of others with my project increased.  Two of the other days that were really fun were when I had directives from others - Ngaio via emailed instructions, and Etta via toy selection.

Taking my brain out of the equation for a bit was really lovely, and doing the potato cuts with Etta allowed us some lovely time outside in the sun - helped greatly by Mum popping over for a visit as Etta was far more interested in exploring outside than in painting.

Due to my lack of confidence with free hand drawing (after having not drawn since, well, pretty much art school) I didn't get around to doing this until day 9.  And around day 14 I drew something I actually liked. 

Simple, yes, but drawing something I like is a big deal, as I haven't done this in such a ridiculously long time.  This gave me the confidence to pick up a brush (drawing in water colours) and do more of what I haven't done in so long - draw with paint.

And after a directive from a horoscope on day 15 to basically be less slack with my far away friends, I used this to almost create a project within a project - a postcards to friends project.

The first person I thought of was a friend (Helen) who is in the UK currently, and sends her friends (me included) the awesomest cards.  One of the more recent things she had posted on her Facebook page was a painting of Mary Wollstonecroft.  Having read her book back at art school, and knowing that Helen considers herself a feminist, I thought it'd be nice to draw Helen a picture of this feminist legend.

I deciding to do so I realised I had a lot of feminist friends far away (and close by too) and that there were lots of feminists I could draw.  I also discovered my pretty much unused hahnmuhle postcard paper - perfect!  So for the first time in a long time, I got excited about painting.

Excited, but anxious.  People who don't draw may not realise that it really is a 'practise', meaning if you don't practice you aren't as good - just like sport.  Being out of practice with drawing means that I am not good at it like I once was back when I was drawing every day.  In fact, I'm awful.  So to feel confident about doing this at all I had to prefix this series with 'badly drawn' just to feel ok about doing it.  Sounds crazy, I know, but necessary to make me feel ok with practicing drawing in the very public eye of posting said drawing onto a website every day where anyone can view it.

And then yesterday I actually drew something I liked.  Now this has happened, I'm hoping it'll happen more and more, and who knows, maybe I'll actually be 'good' at drawing again.

More importantly, I've created a small space in my life to draw in. It is usually quite late at night (between 8.30pm and 10pm) and takes up very little time, but it's becoming a habit.  And that's what's important.  Because maybe it means I'll have some sort of art practise again.  Which is super exciting, and wouldn't have come about without me making myself do something, which I wouldn't have probably done without the 100 Days Project.

I can't wait to see how things develop.

On Taking a Holiday

 Toffee art = YUM!

Firstly, this 100 days of art is great!  It's not that easy, but I have done something every day and am so glad about this as it makes me feel that it's actually completely plausible for me to run a house, work and possibly work on small art projects.  Neato!  Nearly two weeks down and time is flying by.

Secondly, it's helped me realise how important it is to take time out for myself and my own personal ventures.  I am very lucky and have a large group of friends and whanau. T his is a double edged sword of fantastic support and help when it's most needed, but also having many people to spend time with.  I wouldn't give it away for anything in the world, but as I've said so many times before, I need to get better at boundary setting for sanity's sake.

So I've decided that next week I'm on holiday.  I will not be flying out to Hawaii or anywhere exotic like that.  In fact, I will not be going anywhere.  I will be at home.  And I am going to keep our week planner completely free.  I am putting a proviso in for a catch up with my best Mum friends (and probably my best friend) and usual time with my Mum on Thursday.  But that's it.  Other than that, I'm a free (and solo) agent.  And I will be keeping it that way.

I guess holiday time really means family time.  Some weeks we spend so much of our time catching up with other people, or preparing to catch up with other people that we barely get proper time to spend with Etta or each other.  I don't want to end up working full time and suddenly realising I didn't use my SAHM time how I should have.  This time is flying by, and I won't be able to stay home with Etta forever - I need to appreciate it, and my time with her, while I can.

I know I totally sound like I'm whinging over nothing, should be thankful for what I have etc.  And I am thankful.  But I need to be better at putting myself, and my family first.  This is what my week entailed last week:

Monday: Cleaning day.  Visit from friend.  Murray out at games so I do all Etta stuff plus cook dinner etc

Tuesday: Visit from Mum after her first day at uni and craft night with girlfriends.

Wednesday: Visit from friend and Etta's friend.  Takeaways (yay)

Thursday: Washing day, visit from friend

Friday: Zoo trip with my cousin.  Went to work, found out I wasn't working.  Came home.  In laws over for dinner (cos were going to be baby sitting)

Saturday: Top up shopping and early dinner with friends (and babies)

Sunday: Work.  Murray cooked

It doesn't look like much on blog, but what it meant is that there wasn't a single day last week that I didn't see people.  Which probably seems lovely to some people, but I kinda need a break from other humans once in a while - even just once a week.  Because this isn't a particularly atypical week.  This is most weeks.

And not included in this list are all the normal things we have to get done: making dinner, cleaning, washing, feeding Etta, changes, nap times, story time, and these days, getting some art done.  And Etta is not some fairytale magic ass baby.  She has days where she cries and tantrums and eats rocks.  She still isn't sleeping through, and some days are days survived on less than 5 hours of broken sleep.

And I miss having time and energy to spend with Murray.  He's a choice guy.   That's why I joined with him in unholy Civil Union.  And cos boardgames.  And I need time alone to do things like shower, and read and garden, and just be with myself.

And to blog!  Come Monday I will (hopefully) have some more time to do this.  Which is good, because I'm so excited about the strange things I've been making, and I want to talk about it, but haven't had time.  But soon I will, so watch this space...

And yay!  Holiday!  I may totally fake a few proper holiday elements to really make it fun.

Potato cut of a giraffe - pretty happy with that                                                           Art pizza - fun and edible!  

On My 100 Days Project

This is a quick post cos IT'S DAY ONE OF THIS PROJECT.  Luckily for me the planets have aligned and there will be someone else home tomorrow to help mind the midget which makes starting seem slightly more achievable.

So I already enlightened you fullas on the reasons why I was doing this in my last post but only hinted at what it would be.

Watch this:

. 

You kinda need to watch the whole series to really get why this is inspiring, but you probably get the general idea.

No, I don't want to put my life at risk for art or science.  But I do want to do ridiculous things as dictated by my interpretation of my daily horoscope.  Because ever since I first saw Dave Gorman's Important Astrological Experiment I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  Bless and damn you Josh Knight!

Like Dave Gorman, I'm gonna go with the multi-horoscope approach, because otherwise it'd just be boring.  I'm simplifying 20 down to 5 though cos I just won't have time to read 20 horoscopes, formulate a plan and execute it every  day.  I am choosing to use what I consider to be pretty every day places to find your horoscope: The NZ Herald, Stuff, Woman's Weekly, Facebook and The Daily Mail.

From this, I plan to craft an art object of some kind from stuff around the house.

Today's five horoscopes say this:

NZ Herald:

Lions love to be in the public spotlight but today's stars encourage you to slow down and spend some quality time on your own. Solitude is soul food for you at the moment.

Stuff:

The proverb goes: Honey is sweet, but the bees sting. Today you'll take a calculated risk in order to taste the good side of life. The potential danger isn't too great, so go for it.

NZ Woman's Weekly:

There is a chance today to look more closely at the amount of give and take in your life, whether it's at work, in your social life or at home, with your emotional and intuitive responses to things likely to reveal where you may be doing too much for others, at the expense of your own needs. In the meantime, as the Moon returns to your work sector ahead of tomorrow's Full Moon there's a need to keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially on the work front.

Facebook

You have an incredibly strong influence on others just by virtue of the fact of your fun-loving, peaceful, and harmonious nature, Leo. Your natural charm will take you any place you want to go today, so feel free to use it at will. Accentuate the positive and make sure you're walking on the sunny side of the street. Whistle as you walk down the sidewalk and get out into the light.

The Daily Mail:
Highwaymen were once the scourge of the road network. With their dark hats, masks and horses, they terrorised travellers, forcing their carriages to a halt and declaring, 'Stand and deliver, your money or your life.' Yet whilst there may be many issues that concern the modern motorist, and plenty of wise preparations that should be taken before anyone goes for a drive, nobody nowadays worries about a problem like that. Is there a fearful reservation that is unnerving you, even though it is equally irrelevant?

So based on what this wise advice is telling me, today I will attempt to make honey flavoured whistlepops in solitude ie: without a recipe, and then I will dress like a highwayman and try to give them away for something in return.

Let's see how that goes.  Wish me luck.  I will need a lot of it.

On art or not to art

 

                                            The art of Robocake                                                              The art of DIY apothecary

 The art of fridge display

So, you know how recently I posted about Etta sleeping through the night and me having time to do more fun stuff?

Well, that was short lived as Etta's had a cold for about a week and her sleep has reverted to waking two to six times a night.  Babies huh?  Can't live with 'em, can't continue the human race without 'em.

And before that happened, I made a decision to take part in something to help encourage me to try and be more creative.  So I thought the perfect place to start was with the 100 Days Project.  Back in my prior life as an art student, many of my earlier projects (2nd year painting) were focused around the repetition of a certain thing daily (or hourly) in a set time frame.  So this appeals.  Also, the scope is broad enough that I can pretty much make it work for me.  Initially, I set my sights low (make and photograph a cup of tea a day - talking about the importance of self care), but then decided it wouldn't really push my brain much, so I've decided to be just slightly more ambitious.

I argue with myself a LOT over whether to make art or not in general.  In light of having made a person, it now seems trite.  I stopped writing poetry because it just seemed lame.  Please don't take offense my poetry peoples I'm just being honest.  Post-Etta I'm just not in the head space to write apart from stuff like this.  It just doesn't make sense to me any more.  It may be temporary.  And it's not writers block, it's a gut wrenching aversion to writing poetry (as in if I try, I feel like puking on myself in shame).

And making art feels similar, but not the same.  There is still fun in 'making' for me, but there is no fun in 'wanking'.  By this I mean I enjoy the act of doing and creating, but I have absolutely no desire to put it into a social framework, or seriously look at art that does that.  This is not just cos I have no brain (although I'm sure it's a part of it), but also that I'm finding it hard to dedicate thought to something as esoteric as fine art.

Because at the moment, my life is too basic.  It is about eating, sleeping, working, surviving.  And with an election coming up, and even The Lego Movie taking the piss about NZd's poverty situation (right around 1.27, sorry, couldn't find a shorter clip), I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than whether people can view my knitted vibrators within the context I've created around them.  And I'm not one of those romantic people who think that art can change the world (sorry, I'm an asshole).  I'm more of a food sharing on social media type.  I'm a teach-people-how-to-grow-and-cook-food type.  I'm more a lets-change-the-world-by-voting-and-actions-and-education type.  And I knit vibrators.  That's not going to help with the poverty.  Trust me. 

I still enjoy art discourse, and am grateful I am still a little in the loop with being lucky enough to contribute to Ngaio Rue's Rework (which I encourage you all to read and comment on).  But it's hard for me to see it's validity in the same way as I did pre-Etta.  Most of my brain is dedicated to deciphering Auckland's ridiculous weather patterns in order to get nappies dry, and how to distract a baby while you cut it's claws, and working out meals we can all eat, and budgeting, and if I do X many hours of extra work what cool family thing can we do.  Which probably seems banal and boring.  But I guess I like being banal and boring.

I think that many people post art school with borderline practices, or non practices still feel this pressure to create.  I have spent a little time trying to reconcile this myself having dedicated four years to study, and much time to exhibition organising, writing, crafting and zineing since.  But the conclusion I've come to is that I utilise all these things, and all these aspects of me in my daily life, so I don't feel like I need (much of) another outlet.

I make up (and sing) stupid songs.  I build cool stuff with blocks.  I make yum (and pretty) foods.  I bake.  I play Etta's xylophone.  I work out creative ways to manage exhaustion (ie: fueling on coffee and sugar and bad films to stay awake - not hugely different from art school except that coffee used to be booze).  I engage in discourse around pirates with the Wiggles.  Basically, my life is just one giant arts party.

But I guess most of that party is being thrown for someone else.  Maybe.  I'm not totally sure on that one.  But it will probably be good for my brain if I try and focus some of that creativity on something a little more 'real world art'.  As practice.  For if I want to rejoin the grown up world some day.

So watch this space... I promise you there will be fun things to follow.  The only hint I'll give you as to what form my 100 Days Project (which starts on Friday) will take is this: DGIAE...

to be continued...

For new Mums/Mums to be

Day 1 of being a Mum - totally clueless

 

I know a few people in this position, and while I's sure I've said all this before, I thought maybe it needed a summary. 

And instead of being a crazy person and writing epic cards to everyone I know in this position containing some of this information, I thought hey, I'll just blog it.  Cos I'm tired and time-poor.  (If you have no brain due to new baby, just skip to the quick paragraph in italics at the end.)

First I want to say take all this advice with a grain of salt because EVERYONE will try and give you advice when you become a Mum.  Most people that give you advice (like me) is not a professional at child rearing.  They also do not live your life, or know what it's like to be in your skin.  So most advice is not actually aimed at you.  Most advice givers (like me) are doing it for themselves.  Because they want to be of use and because they care about you (or in the case of street weirdos, probably just your infant).  Everyone's experience with motherhood will differ so the advice will differ, and not all of it will work for you or your child.  Try to only take on board what makes sense to you.

If you are overwhelmed by too much advice (I was) I recommend just tuning out when people try and give it to you.  Just nod, and sing a catchy song in your head.  Appear to be listening, but really, don't.  Enjoy that song in your head.  Make it a happy song.  Try not to sing it out loud, it will seem like you're not listening and you'll blow the ruse. 

Becoming a Mum can flip everything you know on it's ear, so be kind to yourself.  It is like starting at a job you have no experience in and will have to do for the rest of your life.  You will make mistakes.  You will not have all the answers.  You will be ok.  Your expectations of what you would be like as a parent may not match up to the reality.  You may have thought you'd never wear a sling, but find yourself suddenly with a baby strapped to you.  You may have thought you'd be starting Playcentre when the baby was a few months old but instead find yourself crying on the couch and eating Tim tams.  That's totally normal.  When mapping out motherhood pre-baby there are a lot of outliers you probably won't have taken into account.  Like exhaustion, crazy hormones, loss of your sense of self, or changes within your relationship with your partner.  You may experience none of these, or all of these.  Either way, be nice to yourself.  Your kid is fed?  Yes.  Your kid is wearing clothes?  Yes.  Your child is not in the fridge?  Yes.  You are a good parent. 

Accept all offers of help.  And by help, I mean things that actually are helpful to you.  If you have an anxiety disorder (like me) and someone offers to clean your house and you are terrified of this and it will make you have a panic attack, this is not going to be helpful to you, so decline.  Your friend means well, but they are trying to be helpful cos they care about you, not cos they want to clean your house.  I am terrible at asking for help, but am becoming better at accepting offers of help.  So if someone offers help that is not actually helpful, maybe ask for a similar alternative that may actually be helpful to you.  So if someone offers to cook you a meal but your fridge and freezer are so full already it'll just be a nuisance - ask if maybe you can take them up on the offer later, when the cupboards are bare and you are crying from hunger.  It truly does take a village to raise a child so don't feel like you have to do everything by yourself.  You are not weak if you need help, you are human.  People know this.  This is why they want to help. 

Remember that it's not just you who is going through a whole lot of craziness - but if you have a partner, or your baby has a baby-Daddy, they will likely be feeling a bit crazy too.  And while we have the hormones which usually push us into a biological closeness with the kid (they might not, this is also normal, don't worry), they don't, and may feel left out.  And they will (usually) feel an obligation to support you through what is a known cray-cray for the Mum time.  So may be feeling overwhelmed.  They need support too.  And it may be hard for you to give to them as you are already gonna be looking after a new, completely dependent little person, so it's really important that they have people to talk to.  It might be just someone to go have a beer with, or to play board games with.  It might be a therapist.  Whatever works for them.  Just make sure they have someone to talk to so they don't suddenly wig out.  That will be bad for everyone.

This is the thing I still struggle with, but it's important to know all the same - put you and your family first.  Try not to feel guilty about it.  Sometimes this means missing important broader family events, birthdays, Christmas do's just in order to sleep after a night of no sleep.  Don't demean your needs.  They are valid.  Feeling not completely insane from lack of sleep makes parenting easier.  Doing this makes you a good parent.  In the early days, it's really just about survival.  Most people will understand that you have a good reason to miss your Uncle's cousins dogs thirteenth birthday.

Try to ignore the expectations and comparisons of others.  This is hard.  All babies are not the same.  They will learn things at different paces and in different ways.  Your baby is not retarded just cos it's not crawling at X months old.  If you are worried, talk to professionals like your GP or Plunket.  And try not to compare yourself with others.  There are sooo many ways to raise a kid, not just one right way.  Do what works within your framework of beliefs and values, and do what works for your child.  Don't worry if it conflicts with what your friends or family are doing, or the 'rules' of a certain ideology of child rearing.  Whatever works for you is good.  Do that.

If you are like me, try not to get caught up in your head.  The best way to do this is to get back into your body.  Do something simple like have a shower or a bath and really focus on each part of your body as you get clean.*  Find someone to mind your baby for even just ten or fifteen minutes and go for a walk (or a run if you do that sort of thing).  Think about your breathing.  Drink a coffee alone somewhere.  Enjoy it.  Your head can be a dangerous place to live.  Taking a break for a bit every now and then can give you some perspective and make things feel a little simpler. 

There.  I said the things.

Here is the summary for those of you who have no brains cos babies: 

So you've decided to become a Mum.  It's hard.  Really fucking hard.  It will make you crazy - but being crazy is normal.  Everyone knows this so they will try and help.  Ignore all unhelpful help.  Do what works for you.  Get support when you (and your partner/baby-Daddy) need it and be nice to yourself.  Also, chocolate.

* As and when possible, of course 

A quick catch up

Me with sprog just before work (Video Ezy shirt under jersey)

Hi blog!  I missed you

There are important things I want to write about, but I just don't have the brain at the moment.  So I thought I'd just write a catch up on life blog to lubricate that brain muscle for better things to come in the near future.

So why haven't I been blogging?  Well, besides the usual laziness there are a couple of legitimate reasons.  Firstly, I've been sleeping.  Basically every time Etta naps, I try and nap to catch up on all the not sleeping I've done over night.  Before going back onto antianxiety meds this wasn't possible, but now it is, it's really hard not to take those opportunities to rest for a while.

Because being a Mum is tiring.  And being on drugs that help make me not crazy is tired making.  And not being anxious means I'm not going to freak out about every little thing around the house not being done, so not only can I sleep, but I don't beat myself up about not using my time more wisely.  Cos sleeping is wise.  And being not anxious gives me clarity to be logical about it.
The second reason is that I've gone back to part time work.

Why have I gone back?  To be honest, it's mostly because the opportunity presented itself.  Because Auckland is a small, serendipitous world, we live a few houses down from my old boss.  Consequently, I've run into him a few times in the hood so he's aware that I'm sprogged up.  And when some stuff came up at work, he thought I might like it.  At the time he offered I wasn't quite ready to go back.  But awesomely, he basically said there would be a part time job for me whenever I was ready.  Hence my return to the exciting world of Video Ezy Pt Chevalier.

And it's PERFECT!  I loved that job.  It's simple.  It's minimal responsibility, maximum fun and requires little brain.  I also love that boss.*  He's pretty much my age and a choice guy, so working for him is no stress.  Which is good.  Cos I have no room for stress.
So I work on Sunday's and Murray minds Etta, which has been brilliant for other reasons.  The selfish reason is that it's enabled Murray to understand what it is to have to look after Etta for a whole day, and how tiring it can be.  The less selfish reason is that it helps me understand how much Murray must miss her while he's at work, and the huge sacrifice he makes for our family every day going to work.  So I think it's strengthened our respect for one another, and helped make our family unit a bit closer.
It's also helped Etta be a little more self reliant.  I often pick up extra shifts and she's minded by the sitting team of my Mum, Murray's Mum and (of course) Murray.  And (of course) bonus money has helped relieve a little financial pressure.  It's not much, but it means we can put a bit more into savings, and have a little more beer and skittles, and a little less worry about the future.
And I feel like I have more independence.  Simple things like catching the bus without a pram have initially felt really odd, but over time have helped me feel like a separate entity again.  I talk to humans outside of the home.  It's great!
And, of course, there's the free movies.  I don't have time to watch them with all the sleep I need to do, but it'll happen eventually.

In fact, it's starting to happen now.  Because Etta has started to (sometimes) sleep through the night.  Last week I managed about five nights where I got five or more hours of consecutive sleep.  That's a serious miracle.  I do think her newfound self reliance has a big role to play in this sleep magic and for this I am also thankful to be back at work.
So now I will start training myself not to sleep during her naps.  And once I've got that down, who knows what I'll achieve?  I'm hoping it means I can blog more often.  Hell, maybe I'll even do something amazing, like bake a lasagne.  Or watch a movie.

* not in a sexy way.  Nicole and Murray, you have nothing to worry about.