On Pregnancy Round 2: FIGHT

To be honest, this is actually Round 6 - but it's only the 2nd round which will (hopefully) result in a child and that has ventured into the 2nd trimester.*

I wanted to write about this mostly because I need to let people know that in some ways it's not as bad the second time around.  For me, this is mostly to do with knowing what to expect rather than being asymptomatic.  I'm also more hard skinned, so when people make weird/rude comments (which has JUST started happening cos I've just started dressing so you can see that I'm pregnant cos it's getting hard not too) I don't dissolve into a pool of tears or anarchic rage.

This is also in big part because this time around I am medicated.  Because it's not super safe to start (or finish) anxiety meds during pregnancy I have remained on the ones that I went back onto a while ago.  The meds I'm on are the ones considered most pregnancy safe anyway so it's fairly safe as houses.  These definitely have helped mitigate the massive highs and lows you get via the hormones in pregnancy and, as a whole have ensured this whole unplanned pregnancy thing hasn't sent me off the rails.

Yes, I have had worse morning sickness this time (proper random spewing until about 14 weeks) and I have rosacia, blood noses, bleeding gums, gross discharge in the lady parts and the worst one of all - hip displaysia - but I was expecting these things so it's way less freaky this time.  Particularly regarding the hip displaysia stuff - because I pretty much knew it was coming I have been able to do the things I learned last time around to help mitigate it.  Regular swimming, water walking, specific exercises from physio and general awareness of what makes it worse means I think (hopefully) I'll cope with it better this time around.

And because I already have a little midget to run around at home, it's difficult to actually have the same focus on myself that I had last time - I have no time.  I'm lucky if I can get a shower most days (ahhhh, shower) let alone take time to wonder about how fat I am and how that compares with so-and-so etc etc.  Having been in an almost continuous state of exhaustion means the exhaustion from being pregnant is just absorbed into the regular exhaustion, so I don't feel it as severely as last time. 

And because I already have a small person that is still alive 18 months on, I have more faith than last time that I can do this baby thing ok.  I know how to change nappies now, how to breastfeed and how to dress small people.  Last time I was totally inexperienced in these areas.  My only hope is that I can breastfeed this one also, as I have never bottle fed before and have no idea how to do it.  I also hope Etta weans soon so I have enough strength/iron/energy to do this.

AND because I just did this a little while ago, we don't have to go to those awful antenatal classes that I-do-think-are-a-good-idea-the-first-time-round-but-totally-unnecessary-for-subsequent-rounds.  I knew we would have problems when at the first class she said 'Women have been doing this since back when dinosaurs walked the earth.'

Really?
How in the hell are you qualified to teach anyone anything?
So glad I never have to see that woman again.

Still, I learned about lip ties and what Vitamin K does, and delayed cord clamping and what a lotus birth is, and that was (mostly) very useful.  Unfortunately though, because of how they make you go to these things closeish to when you're due, I missed a third of the classes (the labour videos and the practical baby stuff - you know, the most important stuff) because I was in hospital, or early labour, which made me feel the system is a little impractical.

Rant over.

And also being (mostly) a stay at home Mum I can do something I couldn't do the last time around - nap.  Of course, these are offset a little by having to get up in the night to settle Etta, but this is becoming less and less of a thing these days as she has started fairly regularly (touch wood) sleeping through.  I am only blogging and not napping right now cos I have a bonus child asleep in my room - there is generally more sleeping and less blogging happening in these parts at the moment.

My only major concerns at this stage are being physically capable of looking after Etta when I get bigger and (possibly) less mobile.  She still isn't walking.  And while she has taken a couple of steps by herself I am under no illusion that this means she will suddenly be mobile enough that I don't have to carry her any more.  It is times like this I feel maybe I should have spent more time working on learning how to use the force, and maybe less time looking at cats on the internet.

We also have nowhere to properly house baby-to-be, which is why it has been nicknamed 'Harry' by my family - as in, it will sleep in the cupboard under the stairs.  We don't have one of those, but we do have a storage shed, which will be just as roomy.  But I figure it'll be in our room for the first five or six months, and I can work the rest out after that.  Sometimes (often) problems resolve themselves.  Maybe Etta will become an awesome sleeper and can share a room.  Maybe I'll win $10,000 on a scratchie and we can renovate our bathroom to make another office, and turn our existing office into another room.  Maybe we'll become a traveling family band and live in a caravan.  Only time will tell.

In saying all this, it doesn't mean I am placated enough that we will make it three.  We will be taking some serious precautions to ensure that two is the max as soon as is reasonably possible.  Truly.  The other awesome thing about this surprise pregnancy is that now I never, ever have to think about doing it again.

* Two terminations, two ectopics, no regrets.  I am ridiculously fertile (just ask Fertility Associates).

On whether or not to

Happy family of three

I think deciding whether to have a second child (or subsequent children) is a way more difficult decision than deciding to have the first one.*  Well, for me it is anyway.  For the first one we just had to decide whether we wanted to be parents or not.  Now that I am a parent, the decision on whether or not to add more people to our family is harder.

There are many reasons why this is.  Firstly, there's the experience of having just done the whole pregnancy/baby thing.  I know how hard this is.  I know how tough this can be on relationships.  And with an extra person in the mix this time, I imagine it'll be in many ways, even harder.  Because there are more people to take into account with making this decision, and the addition of another person means more people to take into account in life in general.  Yes, I'm sure some things will be easier.  There would be less fear-factor and more experience, but also a new challenge in learning to kiddy-juggle.

This may sound odd, but I love our new family so much and feel like this is so all encompassing, I don't know how there could be room for someone else to fit.  We are happy now, and after the massive changes in our family, this is an awesome and important thing.  I love Etta so much, would it break my heart to have to spend less time with her to look after someone else.  And sure, if there was another person I'm sure I'd love them too, but given how much I care and worry about Etta, how could I not feel guilty about spending less time with her?

BUT, if it is just her, and I devote so much time and energy to her, will she miss out on learning the important things she would if she did have a sibling?  Like sharing and compromise and playing nicely, and not being the biggest most amazing thing in the universe.  Those social skills that are (usually) intuitively absorbed through the simple fact of living with other children.  Sure, your kids can interact with others at Playcentre, Wriggle and Rhyme, school etc, but it's not the same as that constant interaction at home.  Learning how to cope with the frustration of possibly never getting what you want, or always having to put up with another human rather than just 'putting up' with X thing at Y place at Z times.

And if I spend too much time with her I'm pretty sure it'll screw us both up.  And we'll have to spend heaps on therapy and I may still try to watch her in her sleep when she's 20 and she may kill me in my sleep when I'm 50...

And then there's all those other good things like having someone to play with (or terrorise), someone to learn with, someone to fight with and someone to gang up on your parents with.  These things are undoubtedly harder when there is just one of you.  Unless you build a scary robot who does your bidding that even your parents are scared of (distinct possiblity...)

Murray has always said he is quite happy with one child.  I have always said I'd prefer two.  I come from a large, close extended family. Even though I only have one sibling myself, the idea of being completely sibling-less is quite scary.  Sure, my brother and I are like chalk and cheese, and I was awful to him when we were kids.  But now we are grown ups we get along fine and I love him.  And I am super glad that I was not alone in the craziness of our parents relationships.  Not just because it was crazy, but because all families are crazy, and it's nice to have someone around with a true insight to your families particular brand of crazy.

I hadn't thought having an only child was really terrible though until my cousin (who has an only child) said that it was only when she saw her Mum in the fold with her siblings at their mothers funeral that she felt worried about it.  Who would support him when she died?

That freaked me out.  Although I'm sure Etta would have friends when we die (and we will, everyone does), it's not the same as family support.  And even though she will have family support (we come from epic large, close family), is the support of a cousin (or in our case more likely second cousin) the same as the support of someone else who has just had their parent die?  Like your sibling?

Morbid (but important and valid) thoughts....

Here's another dark thought - is having a child just so your existing child has a sibling messed up?  I mean, it's kinda in the ballpark (kinda) of having a child so your existing child can have an organ donor (like in My Sisters Keeper).  With the first one I was super excited about meeting this person.  With the second one, if it's just about the First One meeting the Second One, that seems a bit wrong.  I mean, where is the love?

The pro for us of deciding in all finality that we're just having Etta is being able to get on with life planning.  We have places to visit and a business we'd like to start.  Not right now of course, but we'll work the timing around our current family, which would make both of these things more feasible sooner.  If we add another midget to the mix, these plans may be delayed a lot longer.  Not just because extra time would be required for saving/starting daycare etc, but because the reality is we'd probably have to buy a bigger house.

Yes, we have a three bedroom house in an awesome location with a little backyard which is ample room for two children.  BUT, we also have a me and a Murray.  We are both very independent people, and for sanity's sake, need our space.  Ever since we first moved in together we have had an extra room.  Because we need it.  Because if we don't have that extra space there is a high possibility we'd kill each other.  If we do decide to add another person to the mix, which is a super stressful thing as is, we'd definitely need a place with an extra bedroom to ensure we remain a happy family ie: the kind that all live in the one house. 

You may be thinking: do the things! Delay the second kid until the market/your finances/business plan is/are more stable.  Trust me, I would if I could.  But like most women starting families in their 30's, we're on the clock.  I'm especially on the clock given my gynae history - my chances of having another ectopic (which are already high) get even higher when I hit 35 so for us planning a pregnancy after this magic number, although feasible, comes with increased risk to my health.

And not only that but I feel like an old parent already.  Having a knee fill up with liquid just from crawling around with Etta is not great.  And I'm sure it wouldn't happen if I'd magically been ready to have kids in my 20's.  My last pregnancy made me a cripple.  I'm currently anaemic.  What I'm saying is that it's already hard, and I'm sure it will only get harder the older I get.  If we do decide to have a second I truly think I'm gonna have to hit the gym and eat a lot better before we can even start trying to get pregnant just to get through the pregnancy in one piece.  And for me that's serious hard work - I am not a lady who 'gyms'.  And if I just have Etta, I may never have to be.

Ahhhhhhh!

That's pretty much my brain vomit done for the day.  Thanks for reading. Ideas/suggestions/experiences welcome

* Not that we took that decision lightly.  It took me about 30 years to decide it was a good idea in the first place, but still.  This decision is hard.