A catch up

Days are hectic with a busy 16 month old who never naps longer than an hour.  The only reason I am writing now is because Sesame Street is on.  I was totally wrong about TV parenting.  Sometimes it's necessary.  Sesame Street grants me a magical one hour window where Etta doesn't climb into precarious places or turn off important switches (like the one controlling the router).  It's the only time I can DO anything because I attempt to nap during her nap cos still getting my iron levels sorted.

With too many ideas and no smart way of articulating them all cohesively in a post, I've decided this can be a catch up as much has happened in the last few months.

First of all, we have lost a loved friend.  Wellesley, after struggling with weird rabbit tooth problems (teeth growing the wrong way and creating abscesses in his jaw that kept coming back) had to get put down as we couldn't afford more surgery and we weren't sure his body would cope with it anyway.  This was a horrible day.

We had known it was coming, and he was an indoors bunny until then so we could look after him the best we could and spend as much time with him as possible.  We noticed he'd gone really downhill on my birthday, and booked him in as soon as we could after that so he didn't have to suffer any more.  He was a super awesome bunny and we really, really miss him.  We buried him next to Huckle and there are beautiful flowers growing over both of them.

 Etta giving Wells a kiss

Secondly, we have gained a new friend.  This was not at all intended.  I was quite happy with our single cat family, after losing two beloved pets, but for the first time ever Murray decided he wanted a pet.  We often 'puppy shop' at the 'free zoo' for fun on the weekends.  This never involves buying pets.  I just like looking at cute animals.  Never have I ever come home with a pet.  Or really wanted to.  But after one bout of 'puppy shopping' we got home and Murray decided he really wanted the cute fluffy cat at Animates.

I told him to sleep on it.  We don't just add pets to our family on the fly.  That's just a slippery slope to crazy cat personville.

And in the morning he still wanted the cat.  I had work so I said he could go back and find more out about the cat, and if he still wanted her that was ok with me.

And he went back and the cat was gone.  I got a forlorn text at work, so headed straight to Trademe to console him with other options as knew once Murray decided he needed a cat that would be it.

But he found one all by himself - at the Animates at Westgate.  So straight after work we went so I could check her out too.  Amonet is two years old and had been at the store for a while post SPCA*.  She was fine with Etta, was supposedly ok with other animals and was very friendly and playful.  So I said yes and after some paperwork and Etta destroying the cat toy section of the store, we took her home.

She settled in super well - better than any pet we've ever had before, and although we have had some teething problems with Roux she's fitting into our family well.  Etta loves her cos she lets her pat her, and we love her too.

Meet Amonet - cat not ape

In other than pet news not much has changed.  Murray has settled into his new job at Turners well (in a team full of marketing ladies he he he), and I pick up a few extra shifts at the video shop pretty often so work wise things are good.  Etta is in a tricky, frustrated stage right now so I've learned what it's like to deal with screaming babies on public transport (it sucks).  Etta's attempting to stand up by herself, but I think we're still a ways off walking.  Not too worried about it as is pretty common with tall babies (which she is) and super flexible babies (which she also is) - she'll get there when she's ready.  We still have a National government (boo), but that's not really a big surprise although it truly sucks for NZ (I will expand on my reasonings for this at a later date - promise)

I totally flaked on my 100 Days Project which I feel pretty bad about.  The whole family has had intermittent bouts of colds and horrid gastro issues (I'll post about that later) and in its wake the project fell by the wayside.  The stuff I was getting done was pretty cool, so I will try and get motivated to do more soon.

Badly drawn feminist #11

Right now though I'm focused on the small things: getting dinner ready, getting the vacuuming done, not letting the new cat out of the house, and posting this before Sesame Street finishes!

* Animates have SPCA cats and dogs available which is cool.  You even get to spend some one on one time with them before deciding to take them home to see if you think they'll fit into your family ok.  I have never bought a pet from a pet shop before because it feels a bit wrong for some reason, but this system is great.

On Voting

 

It's Election Day this Saturday.  Don't forget to VOTE

My big thing about the pending election is that people VOTE.  I don't care who you are, where you live, what you do for a living or who you want to vote for.  I just want you to vote.  Even though I was disappointed with the last election results, I was more disappointed in how many people didn't vote at all.  26.2% of Kiwi's didn't vote.  That's too many.  And I won't be surprised if this election it's even higher.

Because I want everyone to vote, I've started asking customers at work if they are organised to vote.  While most people my age and older, and most women I've spoken to are, I found most of the young men (in their 20's) were not.  Some because they didn't know who to vote for, and some because they just weren't enrolled and weren't interested, and others because they thought it was too late and they didn't know how to vote.

If I had thought about this earlier and had more energy, I would have tried to organise some way of explaining basic things about voting to people.  Because after talking to just a small sample of people I realised that a system I think is quite simple, is actually quite confusing to some Kiwis.  And that's ok.   I think a part of this has come down to the assumption that all Kiwis have access to (and know how to use) the internet.  And have (and watch) Freeview.  And many Kiwis don't. 

On Thursday night I had to reassure someone that they really should open their election mail.  They probably weren't in trouble, it was probably just checking their address, or sending them their Easy Vote pack.  This person also thought he was too late to vote because he'd seen the early voting booths in his local library.  I explained that it wasn't the actual election day until next Saturday, but if he was enrolled and wanted to, he could vote early.

And yes there are those people with stickers and things that gravitate toward malls and try and encourage people to be enrolled, but that's usually during business hours, and it's in a mall.  Working poor people will:

a) be at work and

b) probably not frequent malls that much

as with little disposable income what is the point (unless it's school holiday's and there's free stuff for the kids).  And rich working people will also miss out.  Cos they probably have no time for malls and shop online whilst on the plane to X business meeting.  So those people only interact with a select part of society.  Not everyone.

And those people may not be able to explain all the necessary information required.  While NZ has a 99% literacy rate, 1% of New Zealanders is still a lot of NZers that will struggle to understand mail they receive.  Plus I'm sure plenty of people in that 99% of 'literate' NZers may be literate, but possibly not enough to understand their voting paperwork.  And 'people on the street' in general scare me.  They probably scare other people too.  Especially if they say you can be prosecuted for not enrolling.  That's pretty much police level scary.

I'm not saying Mall Vote shouldn't exist.  I'm just saying we need a broader approach to get people interested in voting.  Simple things like electing people (at community or government level) to sit down with people they know and talk them through the process.  Because this is definitely part of the problem.

The other part is people feeling disengaged - there is no point in voting.

It is difficult for me to fully understand this.  I can understand not wanting to vote because you don't feel anyone is good for this country, but if I were in that position I would do something about it.  Like start my own political party.  Or vote for the 'protest vote' party (The Civilian Party - alpacas and icecream, huzzah!).  But I can completely understand not voting because you don't see the point.

But I feel this is almost an issue of esteem.  Feeling so downhearted you see no point in voting - you don't feel that you can make a difference.  If this is why people don't vote it's sad.  If we lived in a well functioning society people with these issues would be picked up either by friends or whanau or even workmates.  I know I'm probably exaggerating here, but they genuinely cannot see that their view is important, that they can change the world (or their government at least).

What I have said to these people is to just pick one issue that's important to them.  It might be child poverty.  It might be how much tax they pay.  It might be education.  Whatever it is just look at the policy of the major parties (or all if you have time/energy) that relate to this - National, Labour, Greens and NZ First, and vote according to which policy works best with your beliefs.

An even simpler way to decide - if you like how NZ is going now vote National or one of their supporting parties (Act, United Future or probably The Conservatives), if not, vote Labour, Greens or Mana/Internet.  If you want to put the cat amongst the pigeons, vote NZ First.

And if you're stuck on who to vote for for your candidate there are many systems you can pick:
- choose the candidate from the party you like most
- choose the candidate most likely to beat the candidate from the party you like least
- choose the hottest candidate
- choose the candidate with the funniest name.

These are all valid ways of deciding who to vote for and in no way does they way in which you choose who you vote for diminish your vote, or your right to choose it that way.

Why is ensuring more Kiwi's vote important?  Because any government who is in power when almost 1/3 of folks didn't vote is not truly representative of our country.  It means our democracy is failing.  And this government in particular has used winning the election with votes from less people than those who didn't vote as a mandate to do whatever they wanted despite people's wishes.  Although I am not a fan of National and what they have done I am more sad because I feel like so many New Zealanders have given up on their country, and the rest of us are worse off for it*

I want all New Zealanders to feel that they are important, that they can make a difference.  That they can change their lives and their country for the better, and the simplest way of doing that is by voting for what they believe in. 


* Whether we have a change in government or not I believe this to be true.  If we had 90% of us voting and we have the same government I'd respect the situation a lot more as I'd feel it were more representative of us as a nation.

On whether or not to

Happy family of three

I think deciding whether to have a second child (or subsequent children) is a way more difficult decision than deciding to have the first one.*  Well, for me it is anyway.  For the first one we just had to decide whether we wanted to be parents or not.  Now that I am a parent, the decision on whether or not to add more people to our family is harder.

There are many reasons why this is.  Firstly, there's the experience of having just done the whole pregnancy/baby thing.  I know how hard this is.  I know how tough this can be on relationships.  And with an extra person in the mix this time, I imagine it'll be in many ways, even harder.  Because there are more people to take into account with making this decision, and the addition of another person means more people to take into account in life in general.  Yes, I'm sure some things will be easier.  There would be less fear-factor and more experience, but also a new challenge in learning to kiddy-juggle.

This may sound odd, but I love our new family so much and feel like this is so all encompassing, I don't know how there could be room for someone else to fit.  We are happy now, and after the massive changes in our family, this is an awesome and important thing.  I love Etta so much, would it break my heart to have to spend less time with her to look after someone else.  And sure, if there was another person I'm sure I'd love them too, but given how much I care and worry about Etta, how could I not feel guilty about spending less time with her?

BUT, if it is just her, and I devote so much time and energy to her, will she miss out on learning the important things she would if she did have a sibling?  Like sharing and compromise and playing nicely, and not being the biggest most amazing thing in the universe.  Those social skills that are (usually) intuitively absorbed through the simple fact of living with other children.  Sure, your kids can interact with others at Playcentre, Wriggle and Rhyme, school etc, but it's not the same as that constant interaction at home.  Learning how to cope with the frustration of possibly never getting what you want, or always having to put up with another human rather than just 'putting up' with X thing at Y place at Z times.

And if I spend too much time with her I'm pretty sure it'll screw us both up.  And we'll have to spend heaps on therapy and I may still try to watch her in her sleep when she's 20 and she may kill me in my sleep when I'm 50...

And then there's all those other good things like having someone to play with (or terrorise), someone to learn with, someone to fight with and someone to gang up on your parents with.  These things are undoubtedly harder when there is just one of you.  Unless you build a scary robot who does your bidding that even your parents are scared of (distinct possiblity...)

Murray has always said he is quite happy with one child.  I have always said I'd prefer two.  I come from a large, close extended family. Even though I only have one sibling myself, the idea of being completely sibling-less is quite scary.  Sure, my brother and I are like chalk and cheese, and I was awful to him when we were kids.  But now we are grown ups we get along fine and I love him.  And I am super glad that I was not alone in the craziness of our parents relationships.  Not just because it was crazy, but because all families are crazy, and it's nice to have someone around with a true insight to your families particular brand of crazy.

I hadn't thought having an only child was really terrible though until my cousin (who has an only child) said that it was only when she saw her Mum in the fold with her siblings at their mothers funeral that she felt worried about it.  Who would support him when she died?

That freaked me out.  Although I'm sure Etta would have friends when we die (and we will, everyone does), it's not the same as family support.  And even though she will have family support (we come from epic large, close family), is the support of a cousin (or in our case more likely second cousin) the same as the support of someone else who has just had their parent die?  Like your sibling?

Morbid (but important and valid) thoughts....

Here's another dark thought - is having a child just so your existing child has a sibling messed up?  I mean, it's kinda in the ballpark (kinda) of having a child so your existing child can have an organ donor (like in My Sisters Keeper).  With the first one I was super excited about meeting this person.  With the second one, if it's just about the First One meeting the Second One, that seems a bit wrong.  I mean, where is the love?

The pro for us of deciding in all finality that we're just having Etta is being able to get on with life planning.  We have places to visit and a business we'd like to start.  Not right now of course, but we'll work the timing around our current family, which would make both of these things more feasible sooner.  If we add another midget to the mix, these plans may be delayed a lot longer.  Not just because extra time would be required for saving/starting daycare etc, but because the reality is we'd probably have to buy a bigger house.

Yes, we have a three bedroom house in an awesome location with a little backyard which is ample room for two children.  BUT, we also have a me and a Murray.  We are both very independent people, and for sanity's sake, need our space.  Ever since we first moved in together we have had an extra room.  Because we need it.  Because if we don't have that extra space there is a high possibility we'd kill each other.  If we do decide to add another person to the mix, which is a super stressful thing as is, we'd definitely need a place with an extra bedroom to ensure we remain a happy family ie: the kind that all live in the one house. 

You may be thinking: do the things! Delay the second kid until the market/your finances/business plan is/are more stable.  Trust me, I would if I could.  But like most women starting families in their 30's, we're on the clock.  I'm especially on the clock given my gynae history - my chances of having another ectopic (which are already high) get even higher when I hit 35 so for us planning a pregnancy after this magic number, although feasible, comes with increased risk to my health.

And not only that but I feel like an old parent already.  Having a knee fill up with liquid just from crawling around with Etta is not great.  And I'm sure it wouldn't happen if I'd magically been ready to have kids in my 20's.  My last pregnancy made me a cripple.  I'm currently anaemic.  What I'm saying is that it's already hard, and I'm sure it will only get harder the older I get.  If we do decide to have a second I truly think I'm gonna have to hit the gym and eat a lot better before we can even start trying to get pregnant just to get through the pregnancy in one piece.  And for me that's serious hard work - I am not a lady who 'gyms'.  And if I just have Etta, I may never have to be.

Ahhhhhhh!

That's pretty much my brain vomit done for the day.  Thanks for reading. Ideas/suggestions/experiences welcome

* Not that we took that decision lightly.  It took me about 30 years to decide it was a good idea in the first place, but still.  This decision is hard.

On the first three weeks of 100 Days

Holy ship balls Batman!  It's already been three weeks!  Time flies when you're having fun (or home with a baby it seems).

And my 'holiday' week is almost at a close, I am yet to blog, and the baby could wake up at any moment.  Pressure is mounting.  Shhhhh, sleep bonus time baby!  Mama needs to write this blog.

Anyway, today I thought I'd just quickly post some highlights from the work I've done so far and talk a little about the process that has come about organically just because I'm making myself think about (and do) arts.

Firstly, the BEST part about day one (apart from how excited I was about it) was the recipe I made.  The limitations of the project (in terms of the website) is that you can only post one visual image (or video) when often times the process, or other results are equally as important as the end result.  This first day I ended up with so many things it was difficult to decide which part to post.  So here is my invented on the spot, totally awesome recipe for honey toffee:

1 cup white sugar
1/4 cup water
2 Tbsp honey (pretty sure any honey will work)
1 Tbsp vinegar

Put all ingredients into a small saucepan.  Heat over a medium heat until sugar has dissolved.  Bring to the boil and boil until the hard ball stage (when a little of the mix is dropped into ice water it hardens into a ball).  Pour into moulds or onto a tray for cracking later on.  Seriously tasty.  A little tackier than regular toffee cos of the honey component, but YUM AS!

After about day two, the excitement (and eccentricity) began to wear off as I realised I was going to have to do this EVERY DAY for 100 days, and most days I would also have Etta with me most of the time.  So the time dedicated to this came down, but the involvement of others with my project increased.  Two of the other days that were really fun were when I had directives from others - Ngaio via emailed instructions, and Etta via toy selection.

Taking my brain out of the equation for a bit was really lovely, and doing the potato cuts with Etta allowed us some lovely time outside in the sun - helped greatly by Mum popping over for a visit as Etta was far more interested in exploring outside than in painting.

Due to my lack of confidence with free hand drawing (after having not drawn since, well, pretty much art school) I didn't get around to doing this until day 9.  And around day 14 I drew something I actually liked. 

Simple, yes, but drawing something I like is a big deal, as I haven't done this in such a ridiculously long time.  This gave me the confidence to pick up a brush (drawing in water colours) and do more of what I haven't done in so long - draw with paint.

And after a directive from a horoscope on day 15 to basically be less slack with my far away friends, I used this to almost create a project within a project - a postcards to friends project.

The first person I thought of was a friend (Helen) who is in the UK currently, and sends her friends (me included) the awesomest cards.  One of the more recent things she had posted on her Facebook page was a painting of Mary Wollstonecroft.  Having read her book back at art school, and knowing that Helen considers herself a feminist, I thought it'd be nice to draw Helen a picture of this feminist legend.

I deciding to do so I realised I had a lot of feminist friends far away (and close by too) and that there were lots of feminists I could draw.  I also discovered my pretty much unused hahnmuhle postcard paper - perfect!  So for the first time in a long time, I got excited about painting.

Excited, but anxious.  People who don't draw may not realise that it really is a 'practise', meaning if you don't practice you aren't as good - just like sport.  Being out of practice with drawing means that I am not good at it like I once was back when I was drawing every day.  In fact, I'm awful.  So to feel confident about doing this at all I had to prefix this series with 'badly drawn' just to feel ok about doing it.  Sounds crazy, I know, but necessary to make me feel ok with practicing drawing in the very public eye of posting said drawing onto a website every day where anyone can view it.

And then yesterday I actually drew something I liked.  Now this has happened, I'm hoping it'll happen more and more, and who knows, maybe I'll actually be 'good' at drawing again.

More importantly, I've created a small space in my life to draw in. It is usually quite late at night (between 8.30pm and 10pm) and takes up very little time, but it's becoming a habit.  And that's what's important.  Because maybe it means I'll have some sort of art practise again.  Which is super exciting, and wouldn't have come about without me making myself do something, which I wouldn't have probably done without the 100 Days Project.

I can't wait to see how things develop.

On Taking a Holiday

 Toffee art = YUM!

Firstly, this 100 days of art is great!  It's not that easy, but I have done something every day and am so glad about this as it makes me feel that it's actually completely plausible for me to run a house, work and possibly work on small art projects.  Neato!  Nearly two weeks down and time is flying by.

Secondly, it's helped me realise how important it is to take time out for myself and my own personal ventures.  I am very lucky and have a large group of friends and whanau. T his is a double edged sword of fantastic support and help when it's most needed, but also having many people to spend time with.  I wouldn't give it away for anything in the world, but as I've said so many times before, I need to get better at boundary setting for sanity's sake.

So I've decided that next week I'm on holiday.  I will not be flying out to Hawaii or anywhere exotic like that.  In fact, I will not be going anywhere.  I will be at home.  And I am going to keep our week planner completely free.  I am putting a proviso in for a catch up with my best Mum friends (and probably my best friend) and usual time with my Mum on Thursday.  But that's it.  Other than that, I'm a free (and solo) agent.  And I will be keeping it that way.

I guess holiday time really means family time.  Some weeks we spend so much of our time catching up with other people, or preparing to catch up with other people that we barely get proper time to spend with Etta or each other.  I don't want to end up working full time and suddenly realising I didn't use my SAHM time how I should have.  This time is flying by, and I won't be able to stay home with Etta forever - I need to appreciate it, and my time with her, while I can.

I know I totally sound like I'm whinging over nothing, should be thankful for what I have etc.  And I am thankful.  But I need to be better at putting myself, and my family first.  This is what my week entailed last week:

Monday: Cleaning day.  Visit from friend.  Murray out at games so I do all Etta stuff plus cook dinner etc

Tuesday: Visit from Mum after her first day at uni and craft night with girlfriends.

Wednesday: Visit from friend and Etta's friend.  Takeaways (yay)

Thursday: Washing day, visit from friend

Friday: Zoo trip with my cousin.  Went to work, found out I wasn't working.  Came home.  In laws over for dinner (cos were going to be baby sitting)

Saturday: Top up shopping and early dinner with friends (and babies)

Sunday: Work.  Murray cooked

It doesn't look like much on blog, but what it meant is that there wasn't a single day last week that I didn't see people.  Which probably seems lovely to some people, but I kinda need a break from other humans once in a while - even just once a week.  Because this isn't a particularly atypical week.  This is most weeks.

And not included in this list are all the normal things we have to get done: making dinner, cleaning, washing, feeding Etta, changes, nap times, story time, and these days, getting some art done.  And Etta is not some fairytale magic ass baby.  She has days where she cries and tantrums and eats rocks.  She still isn't sleeping through, and some days are days survived on less than 5 hours of broken sleep.

And I miss having time and energy to spend with Murray.  He's a choice guy.   That's why I joined with him in unholy Civil Union.  And cos boardgames.  And I need time alone to do things like shower, and read and garden, and just be with myself.

And to blog!  Come Monday I will (hopefully) have some more time to do this.  Which is good, because I'm so excited about the strange things I've been making, and I want to talk about it, but haven't had time.  But soon I will, so watch this space...

And yay!  Holiday!  I may totally fake a few proper holiday elements to really make it fun.

Potato cut of a giraffe - pretty happy with that                                                           Art pizza - fun and edible!  

On My 100 Days Project

This is a quick post cos IT'S DAY ONE OF THIS PROJECT.  Luckily for me the planets have aligned and there will be someone else home tomorrow to help mind the midget which makes starting seem slightly more achievable.

So I already enlightened you fullas on the reasons why I was doing this in my last post but only hinted at what it would be.

Watch this:

. 

You kinda need to watch the whole series to really get why this is inspiring, but you probably get the general idea.

No, I don't want to put my life at risk for art or science.  But I do want to do ridiculous things as dictated by my interpretation of my daily horoscope.  Because ever since I first saw Dave Gorman's Important Astrological Experiment I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  Bless and damn you Josh Knight!

Like Dave Gorman, I'm gonna go with the multi-horoscope approach, because otherwise it'd just be boring.  I'm simplifying 20 down to 5 though cos I just won't have time to read 20 horoscopes, formulate a plan and execute it every  day.  I am choosing to use what I consider to be pretty every day places to find your horoscope: The NZ Herald, Stuff, Woman's Weekly, Facebook and The Daily Mail.

From this, I plan to craft an art object of some kind from stuff around the house.

Today's five horoscopes say this:

NZ Herald:

Lions love to be in the public spotlight but today's stars encourage you to slow down and spend some quality time on your own. Solitude is soul food for you at the moment.

Stuff:

The proverb goes: Honey is sweet, but the bees sting. Today you'll take a calculated risk in order to taste the good side of life. The potential danger isn't too great, so go for it.

NZ Woman's Weekly:

There is a chance today to look more closely at the amount of give and take in your life, whether it's at work, in your social life or at home, with your emotional and intuitive responses to things likely to reveal where you may be doing too much for others, at the expense of your own needs. In the meantime, as the Moon returns to your work sector ahead of tomorrow's Full Moon there's a need to keep your finger on the pulse and your ear to the ground, especially on the work front.

Facebook

You have an incredibly strong influence on others just by virtue of the fact of your fun-loving, peaceful, and harmonious nature, Leo. Your natural charm will take you any place you want to go today, so feel free to use it at will. Accentuate the positive and make sure you're walking on the sunny side of the street. Whistle as you walk down the sidewalk and get out into the light.

The Daily Mail:
Highwaymen were once the scourge of the road network. With their dark hats, masks and horses, they terrorised travellers, forcing their carriages to a halt and declaring, 'Stand and deliver, your money or your life.' Yet whilst there may be many issues that concern the modern motorist, and plenty of wise preparations that should be taken before anyone goes for a drive, nobody nowadays worries about a problem like that. Is there a fearful reservation that is unnerving you, even though it is equally irrelevant?

So based on what this wise advice is telling me, today I will attempt to make honey flavoured whistlepops in solitude ie: without a recipe, and then I will dress like a highwayman and try to give them away for something in return.

Let's see how that goes.  Wish me luck.  I will need a lot of it.

On art or not to art

 

                                            The art of Robocake                                                              The art of DIY apothecary

 The art of fridge display

So, you know how recently I posted about Etta sleeping through the night and me having time to do more fun stuff?

Well, that was short lived as Etta's had a cold for about a week and her sleep has reverted to waking two to six times a night.  Babies huh?  Can't live with 'em, can't continue the human race without 'em.

And before that happened, I made a decision to take part in something to help encourage me to try and be more creative.  So I thought the perfect place to start was with the 100 Days Project.  Back in my prior life as an art student, many of my earlier projects (2nd year painting) were focused around the repetition of a certain thing daily (or hourly) in a set time frame.  So this appeals.  Also, the scope is broad enough that I can pretty much make it work for me.  Initially, I set my sights low (make and photograph a cup of tea a day - talking about the importance of self care), but then decided it wouldn't really push my brain much, so I've decided to be just slightly more ambitious.

I argue with myself a LOT over whether to make art or not in general.  In light of having made a person, it now seems trite.  I stopped writing poetry because it just seemed lame.  Please don't take offense my poetry peoples I'm just being honest.  Post-Etta I'm just not in the head space to write apart from stuff like this.  It just doesn't make sense to me any more.  It may be temporary.  And it's not writers block, it's a gut wrenching aversion to writing poetry (as in if I try, I feel like puking on myself in shame).

And making art feels similar, but not the same.  There is still fun in 'making' for me, but there is no fun in 'wanking'.  By this I mean I enjoy the act of doing and creating, but I have absolutely no desire to put it into a social framework, or seriously look at art that does that.  This is not just cos I have no brain (although I'm sure it's a part of it), but also that I'm finding it hard to dedicate thought to something as esoteric as fine art.

Because at the moment, my life is too basic.  It is about eating, sleeping, working, surviving.  And with an election coming up, and even The Lego Movie taking the piss about NZd's poverty situation (right around 1.27, sorry, couldn't find a shorter clip), I feel like I have bigger things to worry about than whether people can view my knitted vibrators within the context I've created around them.  And I'm not one of those romantic people who think that art can change the world (sorry, I'm an asshole).  I'm more of a food sharing on social media type.  I'm a teach-people-how-to-grow-and-cook-food type.  I'm more a lets-change-the-world-by-voting-and-actions-and-education type.  And I knit vibrators.  That's not going to help with the poverty.  Trust me. 

I still enjoy art discourse, and am grateful I am still a little in the loop with being lucky enough to contribute to Ngaio Rue's Rework (which I encourage you all to read and comment on).  But it's hard for me to see it's validity in the same way as I did pre-Etta.  Most of my brain is dedicated to deciphering Auckland's ridiculous weather patterns in order to get nappies dry, and how to distract a baby while you cut it's claws, and working out meals we can all eat, and budgeting, and if I do X many hours of extra work what cool family thing can we do.  Which probably seems banal and boring.  But I guess I like being banal and boring.

I think that many people post art school with borderline practices, or non practices still feel this pressure to create.  I have spent a little time trying to reconcile this myself having dedicated four years to study, and much time to exhibition organising, writing, crafting and zineing since.  But the conclusion I've come to is that I utilise all these things, and all these aspects of me in my daily life, so I don't feel like I need (much of) another outlet.

I make up (and sing) stupid songs.  I build cool stuff with blocks.  I make yum (and pretty) foods.  I bake.  I play Etta's xylophone.  I work out creative ways to manage exhaustion (ie: fueling on coffee and sugar and bad films to stay awake - not hugely different from art school except that coffee used to be booze).  I engage in discourse around pirates with the Wiggles.  Basically, my life is just one giant arts party.

But I guess most of that party is being thrown for someone else.  Maybe.  I'm not totally sure on that one.  But it will probably be good for my brain if I try and focus some of that creativity on something a little more 'real world art'.  As practice.  For if I want to rejoin the grown up world some day.

So watch this space... I promise you there will be fun things to follow.  The only hint I'll give you as to what form my 100 Days Project (which starts on Friday) will take is this: DGIAE...

to be continued...